01x05 - Hard Being Easy

Hannah: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Marnie: He basically just told you that picture of his pen1s was meant for another girl.

He never mentioned a girl, so...

Rich massaged Hannah.

And open up the solar plexus.

You'll get used to it.

Charlie: Come on, dude, don't read that. That's Hannah's journal.



I wasn't properly looking on, and I lost them. - Lola!

Jeff: Well, we've all done it.

We have?

I have.

I'll totally have s*x with you once you've, like, already had s*x.

I just-- You know, it's like, virgins get attached.

I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have s*x with only me.

And this is called "Hannah's Diary."

"Marnie has to stop whining.

Better to end it now.

He'll find someone that appreciates his kind of smothering love."


Everyone have a great night.

Charlie: Read it, Hannah.

Please, no.

Hannah, just read it.

Marnie doesn't want me to read it.

Just read it.

I need to hear the honesty in your voice, just read it.

"Marnie has to stop whining and break up with him already.

Of course it will be painful, but she's already in so much agony...

( Sighs )

Stuck in a prison of his kindness."

That's not necessarily a bad--

Just finish, just finish.

"Just because someone is kind doesn't mean they're right.

Better to end it now, cut off the limb, and let the stump heal. He'll find someone else, someone who appreciates his kind of smothering love."

Oh, nice.

Okay, I wish I never found it.

I do. I swear. I wish I never found it, but I did.

You know? I did.

No, Hannah knows nothing.

It is a journal! Why would she lie in the journal?!

That is the point, is not to lie!

Okay, I don't want to split hairs here, but it's actually not a journal, it's a notebook.

It's notes for a book.

Oh, so you want the whole f*cking world to hear all your valuable thoughts about my relationship?

No, I'm just saying that I feel that "journal" implies like, a 13-year-old girl who rides horses and is obsessed with her mom. It's not what I'm doing.

It's not yours to write about, Hannah. It's my life.

Okay, I deserve honesty and respect because I am an important part of this community.

What community?

The f*cking community of this apartment.

You are.

You don't pay rent.

Oh, shut up. You know what?

I wouldn't even want to stay here if I wanted to.

You know what it's like to not have me here?

That's what that feels like.

Holy sh1t!

That's what that feels like.

Oh, my God!

Okay, I built this. I built this f*cking thing.

You're being crazy.

That's the kind of thing you do right before you hit us. Don't hit us!

You're a dick. So are you.

Charlie! Come back.

You guys are f*cking dicks.

You really hurt me.

My ankle knob and my knee!

Oh, f*ck you!

Marnie: I did nothing wrong! I didn't write it!

Charlie: Oh, that's funny. That's so true.

Didn't f*cking write it.

Hey, Marnie?


If you had read the essay and it wasn't about you, do you think you would've liked it?

Just as, like, a piece of writing.

( Theme music playing )

( Slurps )

( Slurps )

I'm going to get him back.

I'm going to put on my party dress and my sorry face, and I'm going to get him back.

Are you sure that's what you want?

I mean, you didn't seem happy with him.

I'm definitely not happy now.

You've done real damage.

Okay, I didn't leave my notebook out.

He was snooping through all my stuff. That's like a crime.

You said some really, really mean things about our relationship.

But they were true.

Maybe you just can't see this that clearly because you've never been loved this much.

Except by me. I love you that much.


And your dad, obviously.

And your boss.

I hate everyone who loves me.

He touches my butt, chastity, Lesley...

But, like, mine kind of especially.

And then I'm 20 minutes late, and he doesn't say anything about it.

So I'm not gonna complain about the whole thing.

Okay, be honest.

You're sort of flattered by the whole thing.

I'm not flattered by sexual harassment.

Why not? I love that stuff.

"Sir, I have half a mind to call the authorities. How dare you?"

( Chuckles )

You should hump him.

That is disgusting. I would never.

He would like that. I would never. Why?

For the story, Hannah.

Well, I can't f*ck anyone 'cause I have a boyfriend.



I told him everything.

How he was torturing me. How sad I was, and he responded in such a lovely way.

He kissed me and kissed me and kissed me and he said, "Be who you are."

And he touched my face.

And, like, we're basically together now.


Well, guys like that will try anything once.

Even love.

What color's that, aquamarine?

Eggshell blue.

Eggshell blue?

I like the way it finely clashes with your mascara.

It just kind of aggressively clashes.


Just finishing up with a customer here.

Just aggressively just clashing.

Bang, bang, bang. You have bangs, too.

All right, let me know what you think.


I hope to God no one thinks you're here to see me.

I am here to see you.

Look, I get you, okay?

I know what you're about, and I don't like it.

You don't like it?

I don't like it, okay?

I don't like it when you ass-fuck my best friend in the heart.

I don't know what that means.

Charlie's a good guy, okay?

I know.

He's not some dickhole for you to toy around with.

Are you, like, in love with him?

More than you are. Yeah, maybe I am. Okay?

And the last thing he needs is more abuse from you.

I know.

You know?


If you know, then what the f*ck are you doing here right now?

I need his address.

You've never--

Been to his apartment, no.

I've never been to his apartment, okay? So I need his address.

Come on, Ray.

Don't, don't gesture like that.

Don't make a scene.

I'm only writing this down because it's starting to smell like a bath & body works in here.

Typically I'd ask for a blowjob or something, but I don't want to hate-fuck you.

It's that real.

You shrink me up, balls right in my stomach.


Good work, keep it up.

Chastity, sweetheart, would you show Hannah how to break down a freakin' box?

( Buzzing )

You did all of this?


I mean, Ray helped.

I am so impressed.

Seriously, it looks awesome in here.

It's like a target ad. Perfect.

A target ad?


Everything has a place. It's awesome.

Yeah, I know. I think it came out pretty good, you're right.

It's not quite target ad but...


I kept telling you.

I kept telling you to come over.

You never told me to come over here.

I did. I told you a bunch of times...

And then I stopped.

Well, it's not exactly easy for me to get here from work, so...

It's not that hard. I take the bus to the train.

Yeah, well, you never sleep here.


Well, I will now.

Jeff: So, we'll be back around 7:00, but if we're late, just order pizza or some takeout...

Whoa, you look fancy.

I'm going out, but I will be back in time for the children.

Okay, where you going?

To meet a friend from San Francisco.


Well, he was, but...

Actually, I don't even know why he wants to see me, he dumped me.

Ha! Seriously?


I know, it's embarrassing. What? You've never been dumped?

Are you kidding? I always got dumped. I never dumped a girl.

Okay, you're lying.

Yeah, I'm lying because I want to sound so cool.

Katherine: So those keys did not work to the storage unit, so we're just going to have to buy new boogie boards.

Hi, everyone.


So this is where the party's at.

( All chuckling )

I'm actually just leaving.


Jessa, is that Katherine's lipstick?

Oh, don't be a tattletale, Jeff.

It's totally cool. I have like 15 from gift bags. They're free, so...

Yeah, okay, well...

I'm leaving.

Oh, where are you--


See you, Jeff.

Yeah. See you.

Look, we're not grown-ups.

We don't have kids.

We don't share a house.

But I love your house.

There's nothing keeping us together other than the fact that we have already been together for so long.



I don't know what there is left to say.

You're not in love with me anymore.

( Music playing )

Just breathe, okay?

Just breathe. Are you okay?

I'm breathing.

I can't move. I'm stuck to this pole.

What did you eat? What did you drink?

I don't know, some guy. Him, that guy.

What are those?

Pot brownies.

What's on them?

Jell-o shots.

Is the music going like-- Wah, wah, wah?

Yes, yes, yes.

Do you feel like your heart's going to just fall out through your v*g1n*?

Maybe, I do. I don't-- Yeah.

Oh, my God. I want one.

You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna be here with you.

I'm not leaving you.

Thank you, I really appreciate this.

Hannah, Hannah, I've been looking for you. - Hi! Hi!

You did your makeup like I told you to.

I love you.

I love you.

Oh, my God, Marnie's stuck to this pole.

Why are you stuck to a pole?

I can't move. I'm very scared.

( New song plays )

Oh, my God!

Both: Scissor Sisters!

No, I can't. She's stuck to the pole.

She's stuck to a pole?

Will you be okay for five minutes?

Please, don't leave. I don't feel comfortable.

Elijah: You're fine.

You don't know that.

I just want to dance for five minutes.

Charlie, Charlie.

Can you dance later?

Watch this girl while I go f*ck my girlfriend. ( Laughs )

I'm not okay.

Marnie, Charlie.

Charlie, just watch her.

( Sighs )

Hi. Hi.

Charl-- Hi.

You all right?

I'm scared.


I ate something, and I'm scared now.

Oh, do you want something? You want me to get you water or food?

I don't think there's food, but I can get you some. - Can you give me a hug?

A hug? Like a hug?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Up top? Like this?


How's that?

That feels better.

Thank you.

Hey, if you're feeling better in like an hour, my band is playing right next door if you wanna come.

Could you hug me again?


( Charlie laughs ) Yeah.

You had these bangs and that headband.

And I swear to God you looked exactly like this girl that I saw in this p0rn.

It was called "Sophomore Sluts," and I literally that night went back just to check it out 'cause I swear it was you.

You watch p0rn?

Yeah, sometimes.

Why don't you just, like...

Picture us having s*x?

I can't.

Why not?

Because that makes me sadder.

The files you requested, Rich.

Oh, thanks, hon. Just plop them on the desk there.


( Chuckles )

Oh, I'm gonna work through lunch.

Can I send you out for a sandwich?

Yeah, of course you can.


You can send me anywhere, anytime. It's my job.

Great, so for a sandwich.

Turkey, rye, Russian dressing.

No tomato, though. I don't--

Be honest with me, Rich.

Okay, drop the sandwich stuff.

I know you want to f*ck me.

I've been able to tell since I first started working here.

And at first it was repulsive to me, but now I'm game.

So I think we should just do this before I change my mind.

I'm a married man, Hannah.

I've got a boyfriend.

You know what? Adults try things. That's what I've learned.

We work together.

This is an inappropriate way to talk to your employer.

Rich, you don't need to fight it.

I'm not, like, trying to frame you.

I am letting you know that it is okay for you to act on this fantasy because I am gross...

And so are you.

( Laughing )

I'm sorry.


( Laughing )

What is funny?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm, like, making your fantasies come true. Why are you laughing?

No, no, it's just--

I mean, what's going on with, you know, Hannah.

What's going on is that you kept acting like you wanted to f*ck me, so I said you could f*ck me.

No, no, not at all. No, I never-- I never-- No, no. Please--


Hannah, wait, are you on drugs?

I could sue you, you know.

Excuse me?

I could sue you.

Chastity, Lesley, me--

Whole office, class action, we go Erin Brockovich on your ass in a way you would distinctly disenjoy. We sue you.

Hannah, you barely have the wherewithal to get to work at 10:00 AM, let alone sue somebody.

There's no suing app on your iPhone.

Insult me, that's fine.

I'm quitting this job, and it's for sexual reasons.

So why don't you write me a check for 1,000 bucks...

And I drop the lawsuit.

Jesus. ( Laughs )

I'm sorry. No, Hannah.


Please what?

Listen, please don't quit.

We can get past this.

You want to get past this?


I just tried to f*ck you, sue you, and extort you.

I'm f*cking nuts. Why would you want me in your office?

Because you're great.

You don't know how to do anything, but you have so much potential.

Think about it.

I'm so glad you're not my dad or my boyfriend.


And someday, I'm going to write an essay about you, and I am not gonna change your name.

And then you can sue me.

( Door closes )

Are we really breaking up?


You don't love me.

I really love you.

You're not in love with me.

Well, are you in love with me?

I don't care.

How can you not care?

Because I decided on you. Don't you get that?

I decided on you.

I don't want to go f*cking other girls and then walk around feeling thrilled and then...

Sad or empty or whatever.

I like the smell of your hair and I like the sound of your voice and I f*cking decided on you.


Ah! Relax, I'm fine.

Please, don't break up with me.

Please don't, just don't.

I'll do whatever you ask, honestly.

I will...

I'll kick Hannah out.

I can even move in here.

I'll answer your sister's IMS.

Do you want blowjobs?

Is that what you want?

( Laughs )

I'll give you blowjobs, okay?

I will-- I don't care.

I'll do-- I will do whatever it takes, just...

Do not break up with me.



You rung me up just to say hello.

How did you know I was in New York?

Are you stalking me?

( Chuckles ) We are not going to have s*x.

Oh, no. We are not going to have s*x.

Okay, I'm really serious. I've been with Gillian for six months now, I'm gonna move in next month.

So your whole sexy geisha outfit--

You are? That's a crazy thing to do.

Well, you know, she's 38 years old.

She's actually ready for a mature relationship, unlike--

She's 38?

She's old, like a mom.

She's a publisher.

Of what? Books?

Yeah, books.

She has a small press.

Have you ever looked into that?

'Cause she could just be, like, running off copies at Kinko's and saying that she has a press.

And who's to say she actually has one?

Are you jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.


But what does strike me as odd is that you're so keen on Gillian and yet you're calling me.

Because I wanted to see you. Because I wanted to see what was happening with my old friend.

A girl that I used to date in a very tumultuous relationship in which one's Vespa gets destroyed for no reason, gets...

I did you a favor.

...Rolled off a dock.

( Laughs )

See, you're laughing. I don't think it's funny. But that's fine.

I just want you to know that I--

I think you're special.

I think you're great. I think you're beautiful.

You have a beautiful mind, a beautiful...

I just-- you love Gillian.

Yes, yes, yes.

Gillian. Hard G.


I'm so sorry. Gillian.

I'm really happy with my girlfriend.






( Moaning )

Jessa, Jessa.

( Laughs )

( Both moaning )

( Moans loudly )

( Both groan )

( Breathing heavily )

What about Gillian?

( Door opens, closes )

( Snickers )

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Shoshanna.

You're a batshit little perv.

I knew you were crazy, but f*cking perv?!

Oh, my God!

Okay, so just so you know what you just saw, that was me showing that I cannot be smoted.

I am unsmotable.

You should probably write that down by the way.

( Whimpers )

( Knocks )


Yo, kid.

Hey, grown-up.

You need to tell me next time you're rolling through.

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

I wanted to tell you that I actually just quit my job.

Didn't you already quit your job?

This is a different job than the other one I quit, and I did it because there was a s*x scandal in my office.

Sometimes you say sh1t that sounds made up.

I never make things up.

Yeah, well, then everything bad happens to you.

Might need to face up to the fact that you're just not meant for a job in the traditional sense.

He has other plans for you and I.

Like what kinda plans?

What are you doing?

( Chuckles ) What does it look like I'm doing?

You shouldn't do that.


Because we like...

Said we wouldn't... or whatever.

We did?

Yeah, you did.

When did I say that?


You told me everything you want out of a relationship and all the ways I was f*cking you up.

You told me to lose your number till Christmas.

Yeah, but then you kissed me.

You looked sad.

Then we had s*x.

Because we were kissing.

Okay, I don't know what you're saying.

These things have an expiration date, okay?

Six months or until someone stops having fun.

But I'm having fun.

No, you're not.

You're like all secretly sad.

And that's not cool for you and it's not fun for me.

It's a bummer, but people do outgrow each other.

Yeah, but I don't want to outgrow each other.

Well, that's on you, kid.

'Cause I'm done growing.

I'm gonna use your bathroom.


Also, I almost had s*x with someone else today.

Okay. What? Who?

My boss. My former boss.

That's the s*x scandal you were talking about?

No, because I didn't do it.

But I maybe think I would have.

( Stammers ) Is he hot?

No, he's not hot. He's like 100 years old.

Why then?

For the story.

I don't know, just to be an asshole.

( Scoffs )

You can't do--

Hey, you can't do this to me anymore.

I won't.

And-- and be nicer to my friends.

Okay, but just not Ray.



Oh, f*ck.

And Marnie.


Act like my life is real. You know?

'Cause my life is real.



I hear you.


( Kissing )


Down she goes.

( Chuckles )

Okay, I'm going.

Adam, I'm leaving.


( Breathing heavily )

Okay, I'm still here.

So I don't know if you thought that I was gone already, but I am still here.

No, I know.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'll go now.

And I'll see you when I see you.

Do you wanna stay until I finish?

You know, for the story.


What should I do?

And don't abandon me, okay?

You know, don't...

Make me feel safe and then abandon me.


That's my dad. I can't take any more of that in my life.

Okay, I really can't.


Okay, come here. Kiss me, kiss me.

Keep your face close to mine.


Keep your face close to mine.


Okay. Okay. Okay.

Stay, stay.



Okay, stay.

I love you. I love you.

I can't--


Oh, shh. It's okay.


It's okay.


It's okay, I'm right here.

I'm right here. I'm right here.

Okay, I'm right here.

( Kissing )

I'm right here.

I want to break up.

( Sighs )

( Breathing heavily ) Does it turn you on?

To watch me touch my own cock?

Kind of, yeah.

Or does it disgust you? Do you think I'm really bad?

No, I don't think you're bad. I mean, everyone does it--

Do you think I'm pathetic and disgusting?

Yes, actually.

You do, why? Why do you think that?

Because there's a woman standing less than 10 feet from you and all you can do is play with your own cock.

Is it bad?

It's really bad.

It's pathetic and bad and disgusting and weird and lazy.

Plus if you have a big cock, you should use it on a woman.

It's not that big.

It's not?

No, maybe that's why you don't want me to touch it.

Maybe you're embarrassed because it's not that big.


You like this? Having me watch you?

I do. I like it.

What do you like about it?

No, put your sh1t down.

Put it down. That's not what this is.

( Breathing heavily )

I want cab money.


You heard me, you filthy boy. I want cab money.

How much?


30, because I also want pizza and gum.

Well, I keep my money in my drawer.


Keep my f*cking eye on you.

You only have hundreds.


And I'm taking one.

You are?

Yeah, I am.

You're lucky I don't take all your money considering you made me watch this all afternoon.

I'm sorry.

Are you sorry?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

How sorry?

I'm really sorry.

Why don't you say that to me again?

I'm sorry! - Why don't you say that to me again like you mean it?

I'm sorry!

You like saying that. Say it again.

I'm sorry.

Say it one more time!

I'm sorry!

That's fine. Just hurry up.

Do you want to step on my balls?

Are you f*cking kidding me?!

( Groans )


( Sighs )

( Music playing )

Shake my hand.

( Laughing )

♪ I don't love anyone ♪
♪ you're not listening ♪
♪ you're playing with something ♪
♪ you're playing with yourself ♪
♪ I don't love anyone ♪
♪ you're not listening even now ♪
♪ you're playing with something ♪
♪ you're playing with someone else ♪