01x06 - The Return

Marnie has to stop whining and break up with him already.

I swear, I wish I never found it, but I did.

Those aren't my feelings.

I'm gonna put on my party dress and my sorry face and I'm gonna get him back.

I'm not flattered by sexual harassment.

Why not? I love that stuff.

I'm quitting this job and it's for sexual reasons.

I will do whatever it takes. Just do not break up with me.

We are not gonna have s*x.

Oh, no.

I am unsmotable.

You are so spoiled.

Yeah, well, whose fault is that, mom?

I want to break up.

I told him everything. We're basically together now.

It's a bummer, but people do outgrow each other.

Yeah, but I don't want to outgrow each other.

Well, that's on you, kid.

'Cause I'm done growing.

( music playing )

Oh, wait.

What, lady?

Rent is due next week.

Yeah, and I got it covered.

Whenever you say that, I get the distinct feeling that you don't got it covered.

You're gonna tell your parents you lost your job, right?

I didn't lose my job. I gave my job away of my own volition because I didn't want a f*cking breast massage every day.

You going to be okay?

No. No, not at all.

Bye!

Be nice to your parents, okay?

I'm the nicest!

( Kisses )

( Plane roaring )

I think she missed her flight.

No, she made her flight. She made her flight.

No.

Ah! Ah!

( Laughs )

Oh, hey! Hey! Working girl!

( Chuckling )

Look, Hannah banana.

What took you so long?

I was waiting at baggage claim.

Oh, here.

Mommy, hi!

How are you?

My baby girl.

Good to see you.

Oh!

Oh, honey.

I'm... that's... I'm sorry.

No, I can...

Dad.

We are. We are so glad.

When we were trying to figure out what to do for our anniversary... we thought, "who better to spend it with than our best friend who we just happened to create?"

Yeah, well, 30 years.

I can't imagine getting someone to spend 30 years with me.

30 minutes seems crazy.

How's that Adam fellow?

Uh, dead to me.

Loreen: And the job?

Oh, um, same.

I mean, boring, but it's a job, so...

We were just hearing that M.S.U. was looking for a postgraduate fellow to organize visiting lecturers.

Folks who come and lecture.

Doesn't that sound like an interesting job?

Sounds great.

You know, if you're going to do this all weekend, just don't.

We have some fun Netflix and some great food.

Some curried vegetables, rice pudding.

You got the rice pudding?

Yeah. Ham croquette.

Man over TV: These are my sleeping socks.

My feet like a little air at night.

Man #2: How come you're wearing them in the daytime, then?

Man: 'Cause my daytime socks got too many holes in them.

Oh, honey, don't text.

You can text when the movie's over.

But I don't care what happens during the movie.

Well, we do.

Well, that's really your cross to bear.

Ooh, you've got a mood on.

No, I don't.

Maybe she's hungry.

Okay...

I'm not hungry. I said I wasn't hungry.

You don't know about me.

Honey?

There's some chicken in the refrigerator.

What did I say?

( Cell phone chimes )

Hannah?

Mmm?

Hannah?

Mmm?

Can you do me a favor?

What time is it, mom?

11:00. I need my prescription.

Well, can dad get it?

No, he's already gone out. I'm sorry, I let it go on a little long.

I'm having horrible hot flashes.

Okay, I'm just gonna... just give me a couple minutes.

No, now, Hannah, now.

Please, Hannah!

( Sighs )

You're such a sweetheart.

Thank you so much for coming and cheering me up.

Totally.

Oh, my God, Hannah?

Hi!

What is happening?

What are you doing here? Oh, my God!

Hi.

Hi. What's up, girl?

Nothing. I just wanted to come say hi because I'm home for the weekend.

Yeah. Oh, you're here for the benefit.

No, for my parents' anniversary. What's the benefit?

For Keri?

Keri...?

Oh, sh1t. Oh, sh1t. Okay.

I don't know about the benefit for Keri.

Sweetheart, we gotta talk.

I'm gonna make you any f*cking coffee drink that you want in this entire place... we're out of soy milk... and we're gonna talk.

So on the last day of the trip, they just thought she was in that guy's hotel room, you know?

And they were like, "Keri better get back here because we are not cleaning up her dirty underwear."

And then they thought she was just, like, hung over and not answering her phone or whatever.

And they were like, "fine, bitch is gonna stay at the resort, then."

So they went to the airport, and when they got off of the plane, they couldn't reach her.

And then they realized, like... they realized they could never reach her.

Wow.

And she just respected individuality, you know?

Like you, like the way you're always doing your own thing, wearing two different colored socks and just being you.

She loved you for that.

She loved unique.

So, the benefit's like something you're doing for her memorial fund, or...

More like for her parents, because they wanna hire a private investigator.

Get some closure.

Yeah.

Hey, you all right, yum?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm... thanks, yeah.

It's just really intense to have to tell Hannah about this Keri stuff, you know?

Oh, yeah. You did good, yum.

You did right.

Thank you.

Zach, this is Hannah.

Hey.

Hannah, this is Zach.

Nice to meet you.

And he's been so great about this stuff.

Oh, this Keri sh1t. God, she basically has P.T.S.D.

Yeah, and he's been so supportive about the fact that I'm moving.

You're moving?

This little lamp is heading to Hollywood next week.

Yeah, to dance.

So you know someone who's going to help you get settled and find auditions?

Oh, no. You know, I mean, I know enough to know that you don't really have to know anybody. You know?

Yeah.

Zach: Okay, you're off break, plummy.

Okay, squirt.

Okay, squirt!

( Chuckles )

Man: You went to east Lansing high.

Yeah, I did. You...

Class of '06.

Yeah, Eric. I remember.

Hey.

Yeah, you... you wrote the advice column.

It was for the paper.

"Holler at Hannah"?

It was actually "Holla at Hannah."

If you wanna be correct. But that's mortifying.

You still do that?

Not professionally any longer.

No, not a professional advice giver. ( Chuckles )

I live in New York. I'm actually just home for the weekend.

Cool.

( Chuckles )

So how long have you worked here?

Uh, I own it with my dad.

Oh, cool.

Well, I own a small savings bond with my dad, so it's kind of the same thing.

( Laughs )

Um, okay.

$23.

( Register beeping )

Let's see, I think I only have a 20, so I will sacrifice those panty hose.

Come on, don't worry about it.

You sure?

Yeah, really.

Thank you.

I still want that 20.

( Both laughing )

Sorry.

Thank you.

Awesome.

Here you go.

Thanks, have a great one.

You, too.

Later.

( Singing with radio ) ♪ these hands are small, I know... ♪

Hannah!

♪ But they're not yours, they are my... ♪

Hey.

Hi.

Those hormone replacements for your mom... no, those are my mom's. They're not mine.

Right.

Some women feel that they need a personal lubricant while on those, so...

Oh.

I just... free of charge.

Thank you. That's very considerate of you.

Are you in town for long?

No, I'm just here until tomorrow.

I'm working on a book in New York, so I kinda gotta get back.

What are you doing tonight?

Nothing.

Are you around?

Yeah. To hang out with you?

Yeah, sure.

( Chuckles )

Yeah, definitely.

Something specific or...

I'm not sure. There's that Keri Lawrence benefit, right?

Yes, she disappeared.

Did you know her?

Very little bit.

Okay, good.

Apparently she really liked me.

That's sad.

Very.

I'll see you tonight.

Yep.

Bye.

Bye.

Man: All right, that works!

She didn't look dangerous at all.

And she literally like screamed when she saw her.

Hi.

Oh, oh.

How's it going?

Okay.

Loreen: Happy anniversary, sweetie.

So what's the plan for tonight?

Well, I made a reservation at s'il vous plate...

Ohh.

At 7:00 and maybe a movie afterwards?

Oui, oui.

You know, guys, i was thinking...

And I don't really feel comfortable encroaching on this whole thing.

I feel like you two really need to spend the night alone together. Doesn't that make more sense?

Well, that's very sweet of you, doll.

But we just want to hear what you're up to and enjoy your shining personality.

I got asked on a date.

Oh?

What? Where?

At the pharmacy by the pharmacist, Eric.

He's cute.

He's really cute, and he's gonna take me to the benefit for Keri Lawrence's family.

Oh, that was an unfortunate thing.

But we had a plan.

Yeah, we did.

I don't really think that you guys are understanding the severity of this situation.

I have been dating someone who treats my heart like it's monkey meat.

I feel like a delusional, invisible person half the time.

So I need to learn what it's like to be treated well before it's too late for me.

Go, go.

What?

Just go with Eric.

You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting.

Okay?

It is not up to you to fill all of the pauses.

You are not in danger of mortifying yourself.

The worst stuff that you say sounds better than the best stuff that some other people say.

Eric: Is that okay that I took you to a pizza place?

Is that all right? Okay.

Yeah, I love pizza.

I love pepperoni, which I haven't eaten in ages because I was a vegetarian until two months ago.

What? Why? What happened?

Well, I will tell you what happened.

( Laughs ) Which is basically, I was dating this guy... sorry if that's an overshare... and I went over to his house one day and I was starving, and he had nothing to eat.

Just nothing except for some raw meat which his Uncle had caught, killed, and sent him in the mail.

So my options were to eat that or to go out and get some food, and I was sure that if I went out, came back, he wouldn't answer the buzzer or he would have just disappeared.

So he cooked it, I ate it.

And I swear to you, I felt myself growing stronger with every bite.

Yeah, it's protein. Your body needed protein.

It was like the roses came back to my cheeks.

Seriously.

( Laughs )

And I had this revelation, which was like, "I should be eating meat. I should not be dating this person."

So you stopped?

No, I did not stop.

That would be too logical.

( Laughs )

I kept doing it for, like, six more weeks because I'm a slow learner.

( Laughs )

Good to hear.

This is great.

Yeah, Jimmy does it well.


♪ And I'll be your crying shoulder... ♪

Is this place always open at night?

I think my friend John might be here.

Cool.

Okay, I'm gonna get a drink. You want something?

Um, what are you having?

A beer. You want a beer?

Perfect.

Great.

♪ The greatest man of your ♪
♪ I'll be your crying shoulder... ♪

Are you guys ready to make some noise?

( Applause )

Yeah.

So put your hands together for the girl who puts the motion in the ocean in a special number they created to celebrate the life of Keri Lawrence.

Crowd: Aw.

Please welcome Heather Travis and the twist-arounds.

Whoo!

Man: All right!

( Whistling )

( Music playing )

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, ah ♪
♪ uh, uh, I can do the pretty girl rock ♪
♪ rock, rock to the pretty girl rock ♪
♪ rock, rock, now, what's your name? ♪
♪ my name is Keri, I'm so very fly ♪
♪ oh, my, it's a little bit scary ♪
♪ boys wanna marry, lookin' at my derriere ♪
♪ you can stare, but if you touch it, I'ma bury ♪
♪ pretty as a picture, sweeter than a swisher ♪

♪ mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with ya... ♪

Thank you.

♪ I don't gotta talk about it, baby, you can see it ♪

♪ but if you want I'll be happy to repeat it ♪
♪ my name is Keri, I'm so very fly ♪

♪ oh, my, it's a little bit scary ♪
♪ boys wanna marry, lookin' at my derriere ♪
♪ you can stare, but if you touch it, i'ma bury ♪

♪ pretty as a picture, sweeter than a swisher ♪
♪ mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with ya ♪

♪ I can talk about it 'cause I know that I'm pretty ♪
♪ and if you know it, too, then, baby, sing it with me ♪
♪ all eyes on me when I walk in ♪
♪ no question that this girl's a 10 ♪
♪ don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, hey! ♪

( Music playing )

You okay?

You didn't think that was, like, really delusional?

What was?

That dancing.

( Laughs )

It wasn't that bad.

Okay, maybe it wasn't bad in amateur terms, but Heather is moving to California to be a professional dancer.

So that should just make us all feel pretty sad and weird.

I guess it was a little cheesy.

It was, like, very cheesy.

( Laughs )

And nobody's telling her.

She's gonna to go to L.A.

And live in some shitty apartment and feel scared and sad and lonely and weird all the time.

But she's got a good life here.

I would like her life.

( Laughs )

Maybe I should move here.

So then I wouldn't be worrying about rent every second and I can actually focus on my book for a minute.

There's a job opening at the florist's, I know that.

Well, no, I would, like, get a real job, like be a teacher or something.

What's your real job in New York?

I'm a writer.

And that's how you make money?

No, I don't have any money.

( Sighs )

Sorry.

Gosh, you're so serious.

( Laughs )

( Laughs )

Just don't worry about it.

Okay.

Let's have fun.

Do you wanna go back to my place?

Yeah, totally.

Okay.

( Imitating Woody Allen )

A relationship is like a shark, you know, it has to keep moving...

( Laughs )

Or it dies.

And what we have here is... is a dead shark.

( Laughs )

That's from "on the waterfront."

( Laughs )

Obscure.

Well, I hope she's having fun.

( Chuckles ) I think she knows how to have fun.

She's such an anxious person.

I wish I could unburden her.

You know, but she's like me.

She has to jitter her way through her 20s.

Yeah, you were such a spaz in your 20s.

Oh, "spaz"?

( Chuckles )

I worry all the time about her.

That never changes. Once they're born, you never don't worry.

That's why people without children live longer.

( Chuckles )

No, I really worry.

What does a person like that turn into?

A person like what?

She's funny, sure. Likable, very likable.

But that and 10¢.

Tad, tad.

But at what point will she realize she's not going to get to be what she wants to be when she grows up?

How do you know that?

You know that. You're the one who forced us to cut her off to help her realize that.

No, I cut her off so she'd have something to write about.

We don't even know if her writing is any good.

What if she wakes up and she's 30 and, oh, what does she know how to do?

She knows how to have fun.

She does what she wants when she wants to do it and she has fun.

And she thinks about that fun and she learns from that fun.

How did she get that way?

Use your brain.

Hey, look at me.

Use your brain.

Oh, I can't get my...

( Chuckles )

Lights off.

You want me to leave my boots on?

Um, it's up to you.

Seems to me you'd want to put your feet up on the bed, though.

Okay.

We don't have to have s*x.

Well, do you want to have s*x?

Yeah, of course.

I just... I don't want to pressure you.

No, I like pressure.

( Gasps )

Sorry.

What's your favorite part?

Of what?

Of f*cking me?

( Laughs ) Don't know, I haven't done it yet.

Ow.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

Um...

Please don't put your finger in my asshole.

You weren't telling me what it was that you wanted at all, so I was just trying to guess what you wanted.

You're allowed to just tell me what it is you want.

I just want to have s*x.

Okay.

( Breathing heavily )

I'm tight, like a baby, right?

Come on, that's...

f*ck.

Loreen: Oh!

Tad: f*ck, that feels good.

( Both laughing )

Wet and wild.

You are so embarrassing.

( Laughs )

Turn around.

Now?

Right now, turn around.

( Laughs )

( Grunts )

Oh, my God.

Ahh!

Oh, my God!

Ah! Ah!

Let me get a leg up.

Oh!

( Thuds )

( Giggles )

Honey?

Tad?!

It's right here.

Well, thank you for everything.

And for the ride.

Yeah.

I will see you soon.

Okay.

( Kisses )

Get home safely.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Loreen: Tad? Oh, my God.

Honey? Sweetie, can you hear me?

Tad? Baby?

Oh, my God.

Can you hear me?

Oh, my God. What's going on?

He slipped and hit his head.

He's out. He is concussed.

Well, what was he doing? How did that happen?

We were having s*x.

Okay, dad?

Dad? Daddy?

Daddy?

Oh.

Okay, mom. He's not passed out.

Not passed out. He's not passed out.

I think I tore my back.

Your back?

My head is nothing compared to my back.

Oh, my God.

sh1t, I feel awful.

I think we should, like, put him in a robe or cover him and just get him into bed.

You can go to your room. I can get this.

No, mom. I can help you, okay?

So just grab his arm, grab his arm.

We're gonna get him up. We're gonna do this.

Oh, my God.

And just hold onto the towel.

Or don't hold onto the towel.

Oh! I'm embarrassed!

Of course you're embarrassed because this is horribly embarrassing for everyone involved.

Okay.

That is fully your wet butt.

That's what's going on here. Okay, mom, so you can just...

Hannah: Just give a shout if you need anything, okay, daddy?

I'm fine, just realizing I'm growing older.

No, no.

Okay, now I get why you didn't want to talk about s*x.

( Laughs )

Oh, please.

How was your date?

It was good.

He's really nice.

Well, he seems it.

Maybe not enough fire burning under his ass for your taste, but he'll do for the day?

Yeah, he'll do for the day.

Okay, I'm gonna go to sleep because that is an early flight.

Is everything okay with you moneywise?

I mean, really okay?

Because that was a hard blow we dealt you, cutting you off.

It would make sense if you weren't all the way on your feet.

We're proud of you for making it work.

I only mention jobs around here because I miss you.

No, I'm good.

I'm making it work.

That is my scrappy little girl.

( Both chuckling )

Love you.

I love you, too, sweetie.

Sleep well.

You, too. See you in the morning.

See you in the morning.

( Cell phone chiming )

Hello?

Adam: Yo, kid.

Oh, hi.

It's Hannah.

I know, I called you.

Oh, yeah. I was sleeping.

Yeah, you sound sleepy. I'm sorry, kid.

Oh, no. It's okay. I'm actually... I'm home.

Yeah, I'm home, too.

Yeah, but I'm like home, home, like, at my parents' home, home.

Like, looking at a goo goo dolls' poster as we speak.

( Laughs )

Well, how are things in Ohio?

I'm in Michigan, so I don't really know how things are in Ohio.

Oh, sh1t, f*ck. Sorry... Michigan.

( Laughs )

No, it's fine.

I mean, I don't even care if people get my name wrong.

Are you just calling to say hi?

Yeah. Did you call me earlier?

Did I?

A few times, yeah.

Everything okay?

Oh, um...

Yeah, things here are good. They're interesting.

I just helped my dad after a s*x injury, so, that happened.

You're having s*x with your father?

Uh, no, I wasn't having s*x with my father.

He was having s*x with my mother.

Oh, that seems like a better match.

I was actually... I was out having s*x with someone else.

I was having s*x with a pharmacist.

Oh, yeah? Was it fun?

Uh, fun?

Sure. I mean, physically, yes.

Yes, it was. But...

Was that a very weird thing for me to just tell you?

Why would that be weird?

I mean, honestly, I was just so amazed by his apartment.

It's huge. It's like twice the size of yours, and he paid nothing for it.

And it just made me think, "why doesn't everyone who's struggling in New York move here and start the revolution?"

It's like we're all slaves to this place that doesn't even really want us. You know?

I did call you because I wanted to make sure you hadn't disappeared.

What do you mean?

I realized today that if something happened to one of us, the other one won't have no way of ever knowing 'cause it's not like your friends would call me.

It's not like I know your mom, so, you know, if something happened to you, I would never know you were gone.

So I guess I was just calling to make sure that you would call me if you ever disappeared.

Which doesn't even make sense.

Uh, okay, kid, will do.

I miss you.

You do?

I do, yeah. I wish you were here right now.

I saw your name earlier on the phone and I was like, "where the f*ck is that girl?

I wish she was here right now."

Well, I'm in Michigan, so...

What do you see out your window in New York right now?

( Groans ) You want me to get up and look?

I do, yeah.

Get up and look.

( Groans )

Okay, what do I see?

( Siren blaring )

Oh! Oh!

There's this lady crackhead.

I've talked to her, like, twice.

She's pretty f*cking tweaked, but, I don't know, funny.

One time we had a conversation about cashews that lasted, like, 30 minutes.

She, like, wanted cashews, and she thought i had them, but I didn't, so she was trying to grab my ass, saying I had them in my back pocket.

I'm like, "no, I don't have them in my back pocket..."