02x02 - I Get Ideas

You're firing me?

No, absolutely, not.

Downsizing is different.

I have no job, no boyfriend.

It's starting to feel like I've known you and that's Marnie!

I'm right here.

I need you.

You were there for my friend, you were only my lover and that's now over.

I don't ever wanna see you again.

Is that ok?

No. That's not ok.

Well, it is not your choice, it's my choice.

Do you ever find that you're attracted to women?

You should get a condom.

George: You did what?

Why are you freaking out?

Because you had s*x with a woman.

Okay, yes. Yes, I did, George. But so what?

It's not like I'm keeping it a secret.

So what? Okay, okay.

Well, let's just leave aside the whole infidelity portion for a moment and just discuss the fact that you had s*x with a woman.

Elijah, you are a gay man.

I have always said I might be bi.

You knew that, George. I have always said that.

I just let you talk because that's what certain 25-year-old boys say when their mothers are from Boulder Springs.

What's her name?

Charlotte.

Charlotte. Charlotte. f*ck you, Charlotte!

I've never even met you, but f*ck you!

Elijah: Okay, you know what, George?

I'm sorry, but sexuality is fluid.

George: That's f*cking ridiculous.

You come out of the closet. You don't go back in.

It's f*cking stuffy in there.

Why is it so hard to believe I can get my dick up for a beautiful woman?

You could get your dick up for a watermelon.

Do not act like this is normal.

I thought this whole age thing was not going to be a problem, but...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're not breaking up with me, are you?

I'm afraid I am.

Because I f*cked Marnie?

Yes, exactly.

You don't wanna give this one more try?

I do not, no.

Okay, look, I made a mistake.

I know. Listen.

It just says so much about who you are right now.

I've spent so much time confused and I'm not anymore, so I don't want to be with someone who's confused or-- or bi.

What does that mean?

I thought you knew what you wanted.

I did. I do. I want this, okay?

So let's just move past this.

Let's-- I-- you will forget that I f*cked Marnie and I'll forget that you got drunk and humiliated me in front of everyone that I know.

I wasn't even with her for that long.

It was, like, three pumps.

It was, like, two and a half pumps, and then I lost my boner.

What are these pumps?

Pumps, thrusts, whatever.

Oh, dear God.

I can't imagine how Hannah must be taking this.

Oh, I'm definitely not telling her now.

What?

Oh, Christ.

Are you having a stroke?

( door slams )

( acoustic guitar music playing )

( guitar music continues )

♪ Standing outside ♪
♪ Not making a sound ♪
♪ Creeping around ♪
♪ You destroyed my heart ♪
♪ Thanks. ♪

Okay, track 10.

( acoustic guitar playing )

Am I supposed to be flattered by this?

Nope.

Adam: ♪ Never would I have thought ♪
♪ This would've happened... ♪

So hard to watch.

♪ Never... ♪

It's scary with all the tools behind him.

♪ You said this would last forever ♪
♪ Now forever is never... ♪

Elijah: He's not gonna shoot himself at the end of this, is he?

Hannah: I haven't made it to the end yet.

♪ Never... ♪

Ugh, I've seen enough.

( Laptop clicks )

See? You're so lucky.

This is what happens when you break up with a sociopath.

And I know that I always said he was murdery in a sexy way, but what if he's murdery in a murder way?

Well, at least he's speaking to you.

George won't even return my texts or my Facebook messages.

But I don't get what you did.

Who knows? Folks that old have different rules.

But it's confusing 'cause everything seemed fine with you guys.

You know what? I don't think Adam's gonna murder you, because I just-- I just don't think he's that kind of freak.

Yeah, but isn't that what people say right before they get murdered?

Yes, but I just don't think he's in a murdering mindset.

So you basically are saying you don't think he loved me enough to murder me.

And also, you know what?

I am so glad that this is over because this opens up space in my life for the kind, sexy, responsible boyfriend that I've always wanted, but never had.

Who's also a f*cking Republican.

I don't get why that's such a big deal, okay?

But also, I can deal with your judgment because I've always marched to the beat of my own drummer ever since I cut my camp shirt into a halter top.

That is a true story.

Really stressful.

You're just a sad, limp, little glowworm.

Mm-hmm.

Are you wearing a diaper?

Woman: Marnie Michaels from Montclair, New Jersey.

You know, you have a terrific little museum there with wonderful Native American artifacts, yes?

Yes, yes.

And we also have, you know, a light orchestra and we have a lot of cafés everywhere.

Mm-hmm.

There's a farmers market on Saturdays.

It's more cosmopolitan now, I think, yes?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

I used to work at the bread stand.

Mm! Mm!

But he also had pesto and mozzarella.

Too strong.

Molly, remember what I said?

Simple-- cup, hot water, tea bag.

In, out.

In, out. Show me.

In, out.

Both: In, out.

Sorry.

It's okay.

And can you grab me juice number five from the fridge?

Sure.

Thanks.

So let's see what we have.

You worked for Reese.

I did, yes.

It was a really great growth experience.

Poor Reese.

She has made some unfortunate life decisions.

Yeah, not great. She's not good at living.

You know, I could offer you a position at the front desk.

Amazing. I'm so thrilled.

But I won't.

Sorry?

I mean, you're clearly a bright, talented, attractive young woman.

You've got that suit.

Where does one get a suit like that?

Ann Taylor.

Mm-hmm.

I don't see you here.

I'm not sure that I see you in the art world.

Where do you see me?

I don't know.

( muffled ) I really like having s*x with you.

What?

( garbled ) I said I really like having s*x with you.

What?

( Laughs )

I cannot hear you.

( faucet running )

( Spits )

Do I look clean?

Oh, very thorough. I like it.

Where's my facial brush?

I didn't do anything with your facial brush.

( spits )

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I not allowed to be in my own bathroom anymore?

I don't know how you feel about being in a tight space with a queer.

Elijah!

Really?

Are your parents Republican?

Actually, they're not, no. I decided to be on my own.

You don't need two Republicans to make a Republican. - Oh, really?

They must be so proud of your life choices.

They're like terrorists. You don't need two terrorists to make a terrorist.

That's great. - You don't need to have this conversation with him, okay?

'Cause people are different.

Like you were with George for a very long time and he's still on Hotmail.

How dare you bring up George?

I heard about that. I'm sorry, man.

It was just very sudden, that's all.

By the way, have you gotten to read that essay that I gave you yesterday?

Mm! Um, not yet.

I've been busy with studying and stuff--

Busy reading a Republican quarterly?

All right, I'm not doing this with you.

And you have a good day.

Bye.

Okay? Bye.

See you later.

Bye.

See you in a second.

I get this.

I don't approve, but I get it.

Ah!

It's starting to look funny. It's too much.

You've gone too high.

It's bananas.

I so wish you had been at camp with me.

It was so amazing.

We would do water-skiing or archery for sports, and I was one of the few people who won badges of honor in both, obviously.

We had six potbellied pigs who would get so dirty and we would get to take turns bathing them.

I've always wanted to bathe a pig because they're physically tactile.

It feels like a human 'cause they don't have hair.

But in actuality you're actually petting an animal.

So I think the confluence of those things would make me experience an emotion I've never really experienced before.

You know what I mean? I'd love to experience that emotion with you.

You'd be really good at bathing a pig.

That's so sweet of you to say.

I bet you'd be great, too. We should bathe a pig together.

What's better than bathing a pig?

Nothing.

Ugh, great.

What?

I just don't want to be around people who don't hate everything in their life right now.

I really unorganized my sweatshirt drawers.

Yeah? Do you wanna pay me to reorganize it?

'Cause I really need a job right now.

I was basically just told at an interview that curator as a job doesn't really exist anymore.

Yeah, I think the world has the three curators that it actually needs.

It's not like pop stars.

We don't need a million of them.

Ray: You're so f*cking fantastic.

This really sucks. I mean, this was my plan.

I have to totally go back to the drawing board here.

What am I gonna do to make money?

What assets do I have?

You have a bachelor's degree.

Ooh, yeah, a bachelor's degree.

Uh-huh.

You're really pretty.

Absolutely. You are very pretty.

I'm personally not attracted to you at all, because I know you, but I can respect and recognize.

You could totally make money off how pretty you are.

Well, thank you.

Oh, my gosh, that's so nice.

I mean, I don't think I'm, like, a model.

No, not a model.

Mm-mm.

No, I wasn't talking about modeling.

But you could totally get a pretty-person job as, like, a hostess or something in a club.

( laughs )

That sounds horrible.

Shoshanna: Um, totally not horrible.

This girl I know at school totally does it at the Hurricane Club or something.

She's a hostess and she makes, like, a bazillion dollars a week and has an incredible wardrobe and fresh gel nails all the time.

She got the job in this agency, and I'm totally getting the number for you.

No, no, no. Please don't.

Please don't call her.

Denise, hi. It's Shosh.

How are you? I'm amazing.

Mm.

( sighs ) I hate it.

No, I'm sure it's great, baby.

Just--

No, it's really terrible.

But do you know what I realized?

It's because I'm painting someone I love so much and I'm so used to painting things I hate, like my mom or scenery.

( doorbell rings )

Hold on.

You want me to just hold this?

Yeah. I'll be right back. I love you.

Hi!

Hi! How are you?

( kisses ) - How was your honeymoon? I missed you so much.

It was amazing.

sh1t. What time is it?

Jessa: Uh, 2:00?

Oh, f*ck. I'm unposing.

Honey, I have to-- I have to go to a meeting.

Hey, Thomas-John.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey, Danna. How are you doing?

Really good. How are you?

I'm great. I'm so great.

I haven't seen you since the wedding, girl.

It's so nice of you to stop by.

Amazing place you have.

Aw, thank you.

It's my little paradise with my little paradise wife.

( laughs ) How fun.

Have you shown her yet?

What?

Aw...

Oh, yeah. Look!

Check that out.

Oh, my God.

We got f*cking matching tiger tattoos.

That looks like it's a primitive tiger or something.

I didn't ask.

It's good, though, right?

Yeah, it looks amazing.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Ferocious.

I gotta go. I've missed so many f*cking meetings.

You know what it's like.

Yeah, of course.

But you guys have fun. And you get whatever you want.

( Jessa, muffled ) I don't want you to go.


Thomas-John: Whatever you want, you just get it.

Get me some ointment for the tattoo.

Danna, it's so nice to see you.

You, too.

And you know what? You're just so great.

Thank you.

I was just saying to you this morning that I always am impressed by what you do with what you got.

I mean, what is this?

It's like a pair of shorteralls.

What is that? Did you coin that?

I wish. If I coined it, I'd be rich.

No. Shorteralls-- it's sort of like-- it's the ease of a short skirt--

Do you know what? Can we pick this up later?

I just have a meeting, so I'm just gonna have to scoot off.

Have a great time, guys.

You, too.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Oh, God.

For my baby.

It's just a little somethin'-somethin'.

Don't open it until I leave.

Promise?

Bye.

Bye-bye.

What do you think it is?

I did ask for a Jambox for the shower.

Oh.

( whimpering )

Jessa: Oh, my God. Look at them!

Hannah: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, I love them! They're puppies!

Oh, my God. They're fetus-size.

( Hannah barking )

I'm gonna call this one Garbage, this one Fucker...

Mm-hmm.

...and that one--

Hanukah.

Hanukah, sure. Yeah.

So you're good?

Hannah, I am so good. Are you kidding?

I have never been this well in my life.

No, I know. I mean, you seem good.

It's just that the wedding was so quick and unexpected.

I didn't know how to process it or if you'd--

Yeah, well, you tend to overthink things, and that's an issue for you.

This is what it's like when the hunt is over.

I think Sandy really likes me.

I really like him, too. He's so nice and funny.

And when we have s*x, there's no part of me that wants to pretend I don't exist, which is a rarity.

That's awesome.

But he's kind of a Republican, which feels weird.

What's wrong with a Republican?

It's just the same as a Democrat.

They're all dirtbags.

I mean, Bill Clinton's the one who got rid of our Glass-Steagall Act, which is why our economy's in the toilet.

How did I not know that?

Just read the newspaper. Just read one newspaper.

All that matters, Hannah, is that your rising signs are compatible and that, you know, the s*x is at least decent and that he supports you creatively, really.

I don't know about his rising sign, but he's super supportive creatively.

Like, I gave him my essay three days ago, and he's so excited to read it.

He's been really busy with finals and stuff, but he seems so excited to read it.

He hasn't read it yet?

No, he's been really busy with law school.

Really? That's bullshit.

Thomas-John looks at my paintings the moment I show them to him.

I know. That was so--

He's not reading your essays, he's not reading you.

You should look around yourself right now, Hannah.

Life is never gonna get any better than this for you.

( chuckles )

Did you get a chance to read that thing I gave you earlier?

Um... I actually haven't--

I've just been so busy.

I just haven't been able to, but I will.

Oh.

I guess I just feel like if you really cared about me, you probably would have read it already.

You know, just 'cause you would've felt like you had to, kind of.

I-- I actually did read your essay.

You read it?

So?

It was-- I didn't-- it wasn't for me exactly.

I mean, it was probably for you.

It's, like, for everyone. It's not a--

You see? This is why I didn't wanna talk about it.

'Cause it's gonna get weird. You're getting weird.

I'm not getting weird. I'm 100% not getting weird.

I honestly-- I gave it to you 'cause I wanted your notes.

I want to know what you actually thought, so please give me notes.

Okay, for starters, it was very well-written.

I know. That's the stuff that I don't need to hear.

I just need to hear what you didn't like.

I just didn't feel like anything happened in it.

Nothing was happening.

Okay, well, you know, a girl's whole perspective on who she was and her sexuality changed.

But if that feels like nothing-- I get it.

Yeah, but ultimately it felt like just waiting in line and all the nonsense that goes through your brain when you're trying to kill time.

I mean--

Okay. Sorry, I have something in my ear.

Okay. Well, there-- there wasn't really anything going on.

Okay. I hear that.

But it was really well-written.

And I don't want you to take that the wrong way, 'cause I really-- it was really well-written.

Yeah. I liked it. It was good.

Really? Okay, cool.

And, you know, and I--

I'm actually so happy that you didn't like it.

If you just loved it like everyone else does, that would be so simple.

But this actually opens up a dialogue about my work, the same kind of dialogue we've had about your political beliefs.

There's no dialogue.

I know what I believe. I'm steadfast in it.

I'm fine with it.

So you mean even though you spend all this time with me and my gay roommate, you don't have any feeling that he should be allowed to have a beautiful wedding like all the ones we saw earlier on "Say Yes to the Dress"?

Hannah, this is because I didn't like your essay.

It's not because you didn't like my essay, it's because we're having an open conversation about things we believe in.

And I'm also a little horrified by the fact that you think people should just be allowed to own guns.

It's way more complicated than that.

Is it, though?

Yeah.

More complicated than that?

Yeah, it is.

I also would love to know how you feel about the fact that two out of three people on death row are black men.

Wow, Hannah. I didn't know that.

Thank you for enlightening me about how things are tougher for minorities.

Thank you.

I can't tell if you're being sarcastic.

I am.

Okay, well... this is hard for me to say, 'cause I really like you, but I think our political beliefs are just too different and that we should just be friends.

I knew this. This always happens.

This always happens. I don't even know--

What always happens?

This. This whole-- like, "Oh, I'm a white girl and I moved to New York and I'm having a great time."

And, "Oh, I've got a fixed gear bike and I'm gonna date a black guy and we're gonna go to a dangerous part of town."

All that bullshit? Like, yeah, I know this.

I've seen it happen a million times.

And then they can't deal with who I am.

You know what? Honestly, maybe you should think about the fact that you could be fetishizing me.

Because how many white women have you dated?

Sounds like a lot from what you just said.

What? Really?

And maybe you think of us as just one big, white, blobby mass with stupid ideas that you can't deal with.

So why don't you lay this thing down, flip it, and reverse it?

Because I don't think it's very nice.

You just said a Missy Elliott lyric.

And you-- I'm sure--

I don't know who that is.

Bullshit, okay? It doesn't--

The joke's on you, because you know what?

I never thought about the fact that you were black once.

That's insane, okay?

You should, 'cause that's what I am.

I didn't even think about it till you said it just now 'cause I don't live in a world where there are divisions like that.

You do, okay?

That's just the-- you're the one who brought up the two out of three black males statistic.

I didn't say two out of three guys like you. I said black men.

I wasn't even thinking that I was sitting next to a black guy.

You've gotta go. You've gotta leave right now.

I do not feel good about this conversation.

Okay. Neither do I.

Do you wanna have s*x still?

No.

I didn't feel like it either.

I just didn't want you to have blue balls because that's another thing I don't believe in.

You're so sweet. You're so sweet.

( door slams )

I thought she'd be back by now.

Why?

You're not planning on telling her anything you're not supposed to, are you?

Elijah, no.

I would never do anything like that.

Although I have been thinking I don't think it's really fair to Hannah and I don't want a secret like this to exist between us.

Secret? What? We're roommates. We're not married.

So then why can't we just tell her?

Marnie, this will hurt her.

She is thin-skinned like a little baby and she will take this so, so personally and it'll become a huge thing about, "Why aren't you attracted to me? Why didn't you invite me?"

But it had nothing to do with her.

Isn't it enough that George broke up with me?

I am devastated.

Oh, please.

I can't let this take a wrecking ball to my whole life.

How long must I pay for this mistake?

It's been, like, five minutes.

No.

Fine.

I won't say anything. I was just wondering anyway.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

It's my uniform.

You look like a slutty Von Trapp child.

Hannah: Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Hi. I was just leaving.

I was just coming to see you.

Well, Sandy and I broke up, so that's over.

Oh, God, that sucks.

Oh, I'm so surprised. What happened?

Your rights happened and your rights happened, 'cause I can't be with someone who's not an ally to gays and women.

Uh, thank you.

Thanks.

I'm out.

Is that new?

Oh, this?

It's my uniform. I got a job today.

I'm the new hostess at the Wedgebrook Club.

A hostess.

Why are you saying it like that?

I'm not saying it any way.

It's just like-- I don't know. Why?

Um, I don't know.

'Cause I can make a ton of money.

It's like 400 bucks a day.

It's pretty much the perfect job, actually.

I have time to explore my own interests.

I get to meet a ton of interesting people.

I get to work on my interpersonal skills.

It's perfect.

Yeah, but the Wedgebrook Club-- isn't that just like catering to rich, old men?

It's like I know I make only $40 a day at Grumpy's, but that's clean money.

Like, I've made a choice.

Did you?

Yeah.

Not to cash in on my sexuality.

Huh.

Oh, you think I'm not pretty enough for a pretty-person job.

Hannah, I think you're beautiful and you know that.

I'm just saying I don't think you have the appropriate disposition for this job, that's all.

Oh, my God, I have a terrific disposition.

And an entire range of kinds of men like me-- black men, Republicans, et al.

"Et al"?

Really?

What?

And start off cutting-- start off cutting this way.

Just down.

And then trim it like this.

All the way through.

( Phone buzzes )

And then... that's it.

Simple.

It really isn't brain surgery.

Now you are ready for the perfect sticker photo.

( phone buzzes )

( man breathing )

Adam?

( man breathing )

Cinco de Mayo!

Ah!

It's not f*ckin' funny. What are you doing here?

You gave me a key.

That's a key for emergencies.

Well, it's an emergency. I can't find my cast.

Oh, my God.

You okay? You look kind of tired.

Look, I'm sorry about the album.

I shouldn't have sent you such hostile songs.

No, 'cause you shouldn't have written me any songs and you shouldn't be here right now.

Can I have some milk?

Are you serious?

Yeah, a little.

Okay, but then you have to leave, okay?

When I'm done. I'll go when I'm done.

Adam: Yo, milkmaid, milk please.

Cacaw!

Oh!

( laughing )

It's not funny, okay?

It's not funny.

Thank you.

( burps )

Hannah, I hear where you stand.

And as an outsider looking in, I'm impressed and I applaud how maturely you've handled your resolve to end this.

Thank you.

But as a man living my man life, my desire for you cannot be repressed.

And to quit this pursuit would be to shirk self-respect and abandon my own manhood, and that's not going to happen.

( distant siren wailing )

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, but you shouldn't come back tomorrow.

Uh, but I might.

But you really shouldn't, because I really want you to go away.

( laughing )

Adam, I'm not kidding.

I would really like you to go away.

Make me.

I'm seriously not joking, okay?

And if I said go away...

Whoa! Whoa, watch it.

...and you don't go away, that is space rape.

You gave me a key.

I'm not-- I did give you a key.

I gave you a key when we were going out.

And now we're not going out, so go away!

Go away!

Go away! I'm serious!

Go away.

I don't understand that.

( sighs )

Well, do you understand now?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Adam.

Yeah.

Man: Hannah Horvath?

Is that a boy?

Hannah Horvath?

Uh, yes?

We had a 911 hang-up. What's the complaint here?

Uh, there's no complaint here.

Did you call 911, miss?

Uh, no, I did not call 911.

Miss, we're just following procedure.

What was the reason for your calling?

Well, there was no reason for my call 'cause I didn't call 911.

She didn't call 911. I've been with her the whole time.

Hannah, did you call 911?

I didn't even let it ring.

I honestly--

I pressed 911, I hung up.

Are you f*cking serious?

You called the po-po?

Well, you were stalking me.

Female officer: We're gonna have to take you both down so you can fill out a report.

Honestly, no. He didn't do anything wrong.

I was just asking about restraining orders.

He didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted a restraining order against him.

Are you f*cking serious?

Maybe I should have filed a restraining order against you when you used to show up at my house all the time in f*cking knee socks.

I did that one time.

And a Jason mask.

Male officer: Calm down, sir.

Hey, I can't believe that you guys come every time somebody calls.

I mean, that seems really alarmist and crazy.

Male officer: What's your name, young man?

He does not have to tell you his name.

Adam Sackler is my name, and I would like to take out a restraining order against her.

You can't do that.

If you can, I can.

Hannah: I wasn't doing any stalking.

Adam: Not recently, no!

Okay, you're gonna have to come with us, sir.

Honestly, we really can work this out between ourselves.

No, the system is telling me you have two unpaid parking tickets.

And an ignored summons for public urination.

This is f*cking unbelievable.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say or do can be held against you in a court of law.

I'm so sorry.

But what if I wanna talk?

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna talk to you, Hannah, all the time.

I'm just gonna keep calling 'cause I'm crazy!

I'm crazy!

Take it easy.

( yelling )

Number one-F crazy!

Hannah: I just wanted him to stop texting me.

Where are you guys going?

Adam: I'm so glad you are keeping the real criminals off the streets.

Do you wanna just tell me where--

I might come later.

I am so sorry!

♪ When we're dancing and you're dangerously close to me ♪
♪ I get ideas ♪
♪ I get ideas ♪
♪ I wanna hold you so much closer than I dare to ♪
♪ I wanna scold you 'cause I care more than I care to ♪
♪ And when you touch me with that fire and everything else ♪
♪ I get ideas ♪
♪ I get ideas ♪
♪ And after we have said good night and then you look out ♪
♪ I kind of figured you get ideas, too ♪
♪ And when you touch me with that fire and everything else ♪
♪ Oh, I get ideas ♪
♪ Oh, I get ideas ♪
♪ And after we have said good night ♪
♪ And then you linger ♪
♪ I kind of figured you get ideas, too ♪
♪ Your eyes are always saying ♪
♪ The things you're never saying ♪
♪ I think they could be saying ♪
♪ That you could love me, too ♪
♪ Oh, but that's the whole idea ♪
♪ It's true ♪
♪ Oh, that lovely idea that I'm falling in love ♪
♪ Falling in love ♪
♪ With you. ♪