02x05 - One Man's Trash

I talked to George and I'm keeping everything that he paid for.

He wants me to. And, wait, that's...


I know, I know, I know. I am livid that it has come to this.

You can't pay for anything...

Just say it!

Just f*cking say it.

I'm a loser.

I'm a f*cking loser in a lot of ways, Shoshanna, you know that?

What makes me worth f*cking anything?

I am falling in love with you.

This is the worst mistake I've ever made.

You're a ridiculous person.

And you're just a whore with no work ethic.

Hey, I'm seeing someone.

Which someone?

Booth Jonathan.



Okay, I'm pretty sure I invented it, and I'm kind of freaking out.




Like, to leave in the middle of s*x? Is that what it means?

You would think that's what it meant, but, no.

What I'm thinking is you leave a party or another public event in order to go have s*x.

You're making a sexy exit.

That's a sexit.

Use it in a sentence.

Uh, let's see.

Ray, wanna leave this bar?

It's lame, but our vibe is on.

Let's just make a quick sexit.

I don't wanna do that with you.

I'm just showing you how I'd use it.


And what makes you so sure you came up with this word?

Uh, 'cause I've never heard anyone else say it, because I think if someone had said it, it would have gone completely viral, like "Booty call."


If only there was a modern machine that could answer that question for us.

Urban dictionary defines a sexit as, quote, "to make a speedy or hasty exit in the middle of sexual intercourse;

to end intercourse prematurely and just peace out.

Also known as a French exit."

I've never heard anyone use it.

That's because it's awful.

Hi. Could I speak with the manager?

Yeah, I'm the manager.

Great. Hey.

Excuse me.


I live two blocks thataway in a house, and I think someone from this place is leaving their trash in my cans.

Mm-hmm. And why would they do that, considering we have our own dumpster?

I know, right? That's why it's so weird.

And how are you so convinced it's our trash?

The coffee grounds, old bags of pastries, some bills with your address on them.

It's not a ton of trash, but it's more than I want in my cans.


I don't know what to say, man.

I'm the manager. We have our own dumpster.

Unless someone's taking trash from our dumpster and putting it in your cans for fun...

Well, I don't know whose idea of fun that would be.

Listen, I'd just love it if you could make it stop.

Oh, yeah? You'd love that?

Look, I can only control what I can control.

Right, which is where your employees put your business's trash.

I trained all of my employees personally, professionally.

Each and every one of them.

Even this one over here, which wasn't f*ckin' easy.



Yeah, I don't mean to point fingers here.

I just get a little frustrated when I can't fit my own garbage in my garbage can because somebody else's is in there.

You can understand that, right?

Ray, maybe there is a world in which...

Maybe we should just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about this all day.

The problem seems to be I don't know how to satisfy you.

It's an unsolved mystery. I can't solve it for you.

I don't understand why your attitude has been so flip since the moment I walked in.


I was hoping we could talk, neighbor to neighbor.

Neighbor to neighbor!

What a world we'd live in if we could talk to each other neighbor to neighbor.

Just lean against the fence and crack open a frosty one and cup each other's balls and sing "Kumbaya."

Wake up! f*cking pinko.

Man: Listen... listen to me, fun-times-guy.

I don't know where you get off behaving this way, but I do know that twice a month you have a band play here and you serve liquor without a license.

Now, that is information that, up until now, I have chosen not to use.

Have fun with that information. Enjoy that information.

Take a big f*cking bite out of that information.

You know what happened the last time we had a show here?

There was a police officer in attendance.

Third row. Right at the show. You know why he came?

'Cause he likes to see me play the f*cking body drums.

That's why.

I don't even know what you're doing.

Corporal percussion.

Is there something we could get you?

Like, maybe a cup of coffee?

Yes! How about an empty f*cking trash can?

That's what I want!

Get that through your thick head.

What a f*cking meatball.

Jesus Christ, that's depressing.

I do not know why you were just so awful to him.

I was awful to him?

That was horrible to watch.

This is a toxic work environment.

You know what? I'm out. I'm out.

Are you f*cking serious?

Dead serious.

You just gonna make a rash sexit like that?


What the f*ck you guys looking at?

Go back to your panda videos before I turn off the wi-fi.

( Doorbell rings )

Man: Hey.


Do I know you?

Oh, I work at grumpy's where you just were.


I'm sorry I exploded at your manager, but he's lucky I didn't beat his ass.


Honestly, I would do it to him if I could, but I'm not in the position, um, to do that.

I have something to tell you.


Just thinking about the right way to phrase this.

Do you want to come in?

Oh, uh...

I don't think that's a very good idea.

I mean, you're basically a complete stranger to me, so, you know, could really be putting myself in, like, a Ted Bundy situation.

He also looked handsome, clean, and probably...

Had a brownstone.


Okay, this place is unbelievable.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's coming.

You want a glass of lemonade?


I mean, I didn't even know houses like this existed in my neighborhood.

Well, it takes a little doing.

I was gonna add a solarium off the back, but my plans have stalled for a moment.

I feel like I'm in a Nancy Meyers movie. - Thanks.

I think.

Here you go.

Thank you.

So, what's up?

Oh, with me? Um, let's see.

Just been working all day. Since 9:00 A.M.

( Laughs ) - Thinking about some ideas for things.

Oh, you mean, like, what I wanna talk to you about.

Yeah. - Gotcha. Um...

Okay, so you're not insane.

I mean, you're probably somewhat insane, like we all are, but in this specific instance with the trash and grumpy's, you're not, 'cause I did it.

You did it?

I do it...

Put trash places it shouldn't legally go.

It's kind of like my vice.


I think it actually makes a lot of sense if I describe it to you, which is that ray leaves work early.

I'm supposed to take out the trash.

But I lost my dumpster key.

And you saw for yourself what a total f*ckin' dick he can be.

I didn't feel like telling him, so I started looking for places to put it.


You know? And it's just your house, it was close enough, but it was also far enough and I really liked what the outside looked like.

( Sighs )

You know, that's how it started.

So you're just trying to save your own ass.

Okay, I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

It won't happen again.

I'll see you around, but not by your trash cans.

Honestly, I think it's just that I've never had my own trash cans, so it's just hard for me to imagine how frustrating it would be to have somebody else's trash in them, and I know now...

You said that's how it started with the trash?

Yeah, and then I just kinda started to like the way that it felt.

The whole act of it.

The moment when you drop it in.

The moment when you run.

All that.

Oh, this is your cup.

Which is also very nice, like everything that you appear to have.


( Sighs )

I am so sorry.

That was such a crazy thing to do.

I completely...

I can't imagine how invaded you must feel.

And I would understand if you wanted to have me arrested, 'cause that is...

I'm so confused.

Me, too.


How old are you?

I don't know if that's a rude question...

I'm 42.


You? - I'm 24, so we're basically twins, I'd say.


What's your name?


Uh... Daisy?

I wish that was my name.

What's your name?


Uh, so, Josh...


Sorry, I just...

I knew a Josh that I hated, so...

Oh, I always thought that was a cool sports guy name, like Trent or Riley or...

One can hope.

You can't ever compete with a Riley, but...

So, that was weird.


Super weird.

I mean, not, like, bad weird.

But just...

No, no, not bad weird.

But weird.

Because, besides the whole not-knowing-each-other thing... which I never do, by the way.

I always have s*x with people I know.

I might, like... I might know that they're bad, but I know them.


Besides that, I guess, um...

I guess it's kind of a weird time for me.

Um, I'm in the...

I'm in the process...

I'm recently separated.

Oh, so you're married.

But I'm separated.

So I just had s*x with a married guy.

( Chuckles )

Well, I really appreciate your honesty, Josh.

No Josh.

My name's Hannah.


Nice, old-fashioned name.

So, Hannah...

You like steak?

Were you planning for guests, or...?

No, but I was planning for steak.


What do you do?

I'm a doctor.

You're a married doctor?

I'm not really married. My wife...

The city wasn't working for her and so she's back in San Diego.

Been there since march, and I'm just plugging away here.

Are you very sad, or...?

( Chuckles )

It comes in waves.

Well, what did you do?

Wow, um...

I mean, to make her go to San Diego.

Um, boring stuff, really.

I, um...

Didn't notice how she was feeling, I worked too much.

You know, real stuff that causes problems and marriages to end.

Do you like it rare?

Super rare. Even rarer than that.

If you could uncook it a little, that would be great for me.

I'll just hold it up.

( Music blaring )

( Groans )

f*ckin' hate those guys. I really do.

It's like having a frat house next door.

Hannah: Hey, this does not look like a frat house.

All these guys have buns.

You look like the leader of a frat house.

( Laughs ) - Is that really the neighbor you are?

Just, like, shaking your fist, like, "why, I oughta..."

Yes, yes. It's awful.

I'm like...

I'm, like, the oldest guy in this neighborhood by, like, 25 years.

I'm like an old ghost.

Ripped up all the carpet and the floors were in good shape, so I didn't have to do much there.

The bedroom I totally gutted.

Except for the molding. The molding stayed.

And the fireplace. The fireplace was in good shape.


It was a little fixer-upper.

But you really fixed it up.

I did.

It's very beautiful.

I like all your fixtures.

Well, thank you.

Um, so I'm gonna go.

It's about that time of the night.

What time? What?

The time when you give someone space.

Well, I like you here.

Well, you say that now, but it is not my first time at the rodeo.

Well, if you wanna leave the rodeo, then that's your choice, but I don't mind you staying.

Oh, if you don't mind having me here...

I don't know how I could resist an invitation...

I want you to stay.

Okay, I'm just gonna try something.

All right.

Beg me to stay.

( Laughs )

Please stay.

But, like, sadder, like you're really...

( Voice lowered ) Please, stay. Please, stay.

But not like you're in "Toy Story."

Like, do it.


Please, don't leave.

Don't leave me. I want you to stay.

I want you to stay this night and every night.

I don't want you to ever leave my house.

I will burn it down if you leave.

There's a good shot I will kill myself when you leave.

I don't... I don't wanna be without you.

I changed my mind. It's stressful.


You're beautiful.

You really think so?

I do.

Don't you?

Um... No, I do.

It's just not always the feedback that I've been given.

Well, you are.

Very beautiful.

Thank you.


You do that.

I got it.

( Groans ) I want you to make me come, okay?

Make me come, Hannah.


What? What happened?

I want you to make me come.

Do you need help with that?


( Moans )

Does that feel good?


Feels really good.

( Moaning )

( Music playing over stereo )


Okay, I think your sweater costs more than my rent.

All right, so, what do we do now?

Well, I have to go to work.

No, no. You have to call in sick.

I did.

Are you serious?


What happens if a doctor calls in sick?

10 to 20 people die.

( Laughing )

Come on.

That's not a big deal.

Yeah, it's not very important.

Come on, we're having such a nice time.

Are we?

I am.

I mean, I am.

All right. So?


Don't we deserve it?

I haven't played this a lot, but I'm just... I'm very naturally gifted...



Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I don't do that many sports, but when I do them, people are impressed.


( Hannah exhales )

What you got?

( Laughing )

There you go.


Oh, that's gonna be yours. That's your point.

That's my point?

That's your point.

That was my point. That was my point.

That was my point. That was my point.

( Laughing )

( Birds chirping )




When you're done, meet me upstairs.

We can look at the moon.

What is the moon?



( Sighs )

( Beeping )

( Knock on door )

( Water running )

Still in there?




Holy f*ck. Hannah.

Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.

Wake up.

I'm fainted.

Feel better?


I thought I was a gummy worm for, like, seven minutes.

Next time, call me.

Is this helpful?




( Crying )

What? Wait, what?

What did I miss?

Nothing, I'm sorry.

No, what did I say?

I'm so sorry.

You said nothing.

Okay. - Honestly, you didn't say anything.

You didn't do anything. You're...

Besides just being so great and perfect and...

All right. What is it, sweetie?

Please don't tell anyone this, but...

I want to be happy.

Of course you do.

Of course you do. Everyone does.

Yeah, but I didn't think that I did.

I made a promise such a long time ago that I was gonna take in experiences, all of them, so that I could tell other people about them and maybe save them, but it gets so tiring...

Trying to take in all the experiences for everybody, letting anyone say anything to me.

Then I came here...

And I see you.

And you've got the fruit in the bowl and the fridge with the stuff...

The robe, and you're touching me the way that...

I realize I'm not different.

You know?

I want what everyone wants.

I want what they all want. I want all the things.

I just want to be happy.

( Sobbing )

You know, there's all these experiences that I just feel like I've asked for.

Things where it's like, who in their right mind would want that?

You know, like, one time, I asked someone to punch me in the chest and then come on that spot.

Like, that was my idea.

That came from my brain.

And it's like, what makes me think I deserve that?

Then I remember that when I was three, I told my mom that my babysitter had touched my v*g1n* in the bath.

And my mom thought I was lying, obviously, and probably I was.

It was like whether I was lying or whether I was telling the truth, something's broken inside of me.


Yeah, I once let a boy give me a handjob when I was nine.

Well, I think that's pretty different 'cause you let him and this wasn't my choice.


You know, I think what I didn't realize before I met you was that I was, like, lonely.

In such a deep, deep way.

You know, and I was reaching for all this stuff, but all I really needed was to look at someone and be like, "oh, that person wants to be there after I'm dead," you know?


You think I'm a crazy girl?

No, I don't think you're crazy at all.

I wasn't thinking that.

If anything, I think I'm just too smart and too sensitive and too, like, not crazy.

So that I'm feeling all these big feelings and containing all this stuff for everybody else and it's like... Okay, I read this article about Fiona Apple in "New York" magazine where she said, "oh, everybody acts like I'm nuts.

I'm not nuts, I just want to feel it all."

It's like that's what I'm like.

I just want to feel it all.

You know?

Yeah, I get it.

I mean, that's... That's a great goal.

Um, I'm gonna go to sleep.

I've got...

I've gotta get up really early for work tomorrow.

You're going to work tomorrow?

Well, I gotta.

Do you want to kiss me?


I can't believe you're doing this.

Doing what?

You basically begged me to tell you all my feelings.

No, and I'm glad you did.

Well, you're not glad that I did.


Well, no, you're not glad.

'Cause you're not acting glad.

And also you didn't tell me anything about you.

I'm realizing I asked you about your divorce.

You said two sentences.

"Oh, I was busy working on the house.

My wife missed, you know, the San Francisco bay."

San Diego.

I'm like an orphan you just took in off the street, so what's your damage, Josh?

It's Joshua.

It's the same name with an extra sound stuck on the end.

So you want me to leave?


I want you to stay.

'Cause you don't have to say that if you don't mean it.

I know.

( Music playing )

( Birds chirping )

( Music continues, traffic sounds )