02x07 - Video Games

( birds chirping )

Are you sure your dad knew we were coming?

Yeah. He's always late.

It's like my worst nightmare as a kid-- being the last one to be picked up from, like, school or some social event.

And then all these adults know about your sad home life and your irresponsible parents.

I think it's only bad when the weird sub molests you.

You were molested by a weird sub?

Yeah. No. I don't know.

Maybe. Probably.

I have to pee so badly, it's crazy.

I can't believe this station has no bathroom.

Just go-- just go there.

You want me to cross the tracks?

Yeah, walk across the tracks.

It's not gonna kill you.

And step on the third rail, potentially?

We're not in New York City.

There is no third rail, Hannah.

Fine. If you think it's okay.

That's how badly I need to pee.

You still have your UTI?

I'm pretty sure it's gone.

You know, I heard the best way to get rid of that is to stick garlic in your pussy.

Are you serious?


But I think you have to, like, put a whole clove.

Like, really shove it up there.

Okay, I'm gonna pee now.

Is anybody coming?


All right, still no one?

( horn blaring )

Hannah: Okay, your dad is really, really late.

Jessa: It's really lame that that bothers you.

Thanks for coming with me, though.

No problem.

I thought you and your dad weren't speaking.

Yeah, he wants me to see his house and see his new girlfriend, which is odd because I've met her three times, which should be more than enough.

But don't they have, like, a five-year-old daughter or?

No, that was the last one. This is Petula.

Well, what happened to the five-year-old daughter?

Uh, no one speaks to her.

I wonder if her name is still Lemon.

Well, after all the really shitty stuff you've been through lately, you really want to see your dad?

I don't know, I just-- the other night, I got a text from him, which are few and far between, and it was a bunch of letters.

And I didn't understand it, but it felt like something.

He was trying to tell me something, so I thought it was a sign.

Maybe he just sent you a butt text.

Are you suggesting it was an accident?

I mean, just all of the random letters and numbers, it just sounds like maybe he didn't--

Right. That's really mean.


( horn honking )

Hi, Dad.

Hello, my darling.

Hi, Mr. Johansson. I'm Hannah.

I don't know if you remember me.

Look at you, you beautiful creation.

I'm so sorry I'm running late.

I was just at-- I had a small errand to do.

Should've just taken a minute, but the vacuum repairman was a fuckwit.

And then I got stuck behind a Camry, of course.

Why of course a Camry?

Yeah, it's a theory he has.

It's not a theory. Camry drivers are c**ts.

( sighs ) Of course there's all these old computers here, so--

Oh, my God. Look at those.

Is that really what computers used to look like?

I mean, those look like doghouses.

Why do you have all of these, Dad?

Well, Petula wants me to get rid of them, but I can't.

I don't want people reading my old ideas.

This isn't gonna work, so take this, get in the front with Sarah.

( North London accent )

So, darlin', tell me something.

Did you go to Ibiza?

( Jessa chuckles ) Yeah.

With Karen?

Karen and Tony.

Oh, Tony D. or Tony T.?

Both Tonys and Zorab.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, we really mashed it in.

They're gorgeous blokes.

Oh, yeah.

Now, did you get tan?

Oh, yeah.

I've got a bit of a burn, but it's gonna turn into a tan, innit?

( bad North London accent ) Yeah, it's gonna turn into a tan, innit?

You eat a little bit of chorizo?

Oh, yeah. You know chorizo-- love it.

It tastes really expensive, don't it?

What accents are you guys doing?

Just 'cause I don't like not getting jokes.

You know, Tony D., he only has eyes for you.

He only has "ice" for me?

Just ice? Got a bit of ice?

He's only got ice.

Oh, my God. Look at you.

Look at you.

You-- you're like the most perfect black pearl.

I'm so sorry about your marriage.

Thanks, Petula.

Yeah, I shoulda said something.

( stutters )

We were very happy about your marriage. Really.

And then s-sad...

about your marriage.

Thanks. Um, this is Hannah.



Of course you're here, too.

Thank you.

What do you mean?

Well, I was so nervous about seeing Jessa because I know she hates me and she hasn't seen her dad in for so long and so I prayed.

And here--

I manifested the solution-- you.

You're the cushion.

I'm the cushion.

You're the cushion.

I love you!

Are you sure that I'm the cushion?

Yes. You're the cushion.

Well, you know, I've never done it before, but I definitely am up for it.

You are the cushion.

This f*cking lawn.

It uses, like, 800 gallons of water.

Why haven't you just let it get brown and die?

You know I want to, don't you?

But she won't f*cking let me.

It's a living thing. It grows, it lives.


I know other things that are living and growing.

They don't get treated as well as this f*cking lawn.

( both laughing )

He was just feeling really helpless, and I said, "Frank, get it together.

This is just a video game that needs to be conquered.

This is all one big simulation."

We all just need to grow a pair and get to the next level.

You know what I mean?

If you're not with me, you're against me.

And I'm gonna take you down-- bam-bam-bam.

What a totally beautiful metaphor.

Oh, it's not a metaphor.

Oh. Um...

Do you have any scientific evidence that life is just a video game?

'Cause I just--

I've never thought about it.

It actually sounds kind of real and stressful.

Of course not. Because scientists lie.

And then he said, "Let's call this."

You know, "Let's dead this."

You know, that's what he said.

But he didn't want to work on it, you know?

He didn't-- it was like he didn't even remember that we took vows.

You know?

Well, maybe on some level you wanted it.

Because you know we're not like other people.

No. We're not, are we?

( music playing over radio )

Petula: Frank!


Frank, come meet Hannah.

( music blaring )

This is my baby.



Nice to meet you. I'm Hannah.

I really like the way you fold down your turtleneck.


This was a total accident that happened.

This towel is so small and thin.

It's like it's for a Borrower.

I can't take a shower with this.

I think it's really dirty, too.

Jessa: Oh, God!

Look at this hairball.

( laughs )

That thing's crazy.

Oh, my God. This place is filthy.

I mean, my dad never cleans and he won't get a housekeeper because, I don't know, he doesn't want people knowing his business.

What do you think of Frank?

I guess I can just never tell if guys are, like, attractive in a loserly way or it's like they're just losers.

Hannah, he had camel toe.

Yeah, you're probably right.

( Petula screaming )

Stop it!

Your dad seems really happy with Petula.

How did you say they met again?

She was the masseuse at the last rehab he was at.

And then he decided rehab was a crock of sh1t and they ran off together.

What's that?

"Penthouse" from 1979.

You think that's Frank's?

No, it's too good for Frank.

Oh, my God.

Look at that bush.

Oh, my God.

You would, like, fully get lost in that bush.

It's like a walkabout situation.

It's horrifying.

I know.

They're crazy vaginas.

They are not crazy.

They're the way they're meant to be.

I don't even think I could grow a bush like that.

These women should be really proud because, in a way, it's the most noble thing you can do-- is to help a boy find his sexuality.

Help a boy become a man, you know?

Probably the most noble.

You know, aside from being, like, a doctor or a firefighter--

Who says she's not a doctor?

Look, I really don't remember the incident that you're talking about, but...

You told me I was being rude and then you sent me to sit on a stool in the corner.

And then you threw a bit of chewed steak at me.

Well, I don't remember everything about the old days, but if you say I did it, then I suppose I did it.

You know, your father's changed a lot.

We did this workshop in Newark that totally opened us up to a new way.

It was just incredible.

And my anger just evaporated into the atmosphere.

I'm no longer angry. I released.

He's not angry anymore.

Hannah: Um, hey, I was just wondering.

Is this rabbit the same rabbit that we were feeding and petting in a loving way this morning?


Okay, so, just-- you know, it's not--

I might rather eat a different thing.

I'm total-- completely from a nonjudgmental--

Hannah, grow up.

It's f*cking food.

And it's fantastic.

I don't eat the rabbits either.

Well, we eat rabbits at every meal.

Oh, delicious at breakfast.

With grits. Very tasty.

I'm hungry all the time.

A rabbit a day keeps the doctor away.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Yes, Jessa. Let's take your marriage, for instance.

Love is actually really a Western concept--

( car door closes )


Oh! Tyler!

Oh, he's just such a cool customer.

Mwah! Mwah!

Mom, I told you we were going out.

Tyler, this is Hannah and Jessa.





Tyler's an amazing lacrosse player and he's a published poet.

Just locally.

I'm a writer, too. I actually just-- just inked a book deal.

Well, we're gonna go.

You guys could come if you want.

No, thank you.

I came to see my father, so I'm gonna stay.

Oh, no, no, no. We have plans.

Who has plans?

We do, Petula and I.

You called at the last moment and we couldn't get out of it, right?

Yeah, well, it's a lecture that's really, really important and you're welcome to come.

Because this man has been doing these studies in Japan of all the nuclear toxicity that we're all taking on in our livers, in our hearts and brains and blood. We are toxic--

Dad, were you ever gonna maybe try and cancel your plans?

Jessa, you've cancelled on me on the last six occasions.

How was I to know you were even gonna show up?


( music blaring over radio )

Jessa: Oh, I did not say that!

I wanna live forever!



You guys, I can't, okay? I just can't.

Oh, come on, Hannah. You have to.

Whip-its are what killed Demi Moore.

I'm not gonna.

Oh, stop!

I just don't like using products in a different way than it was intended, okay?

That's an area that's hard for me.

( can hissing )

Frank: My mouth is so dry.

I wish we'd picked something up at 7-Eleven.

Jessa: We did, here.

I grabbed this out-- I grabbed this on the way out.

Did you steal that?

No, I didn't steal it.

It's not stealing when it's from a corporation.

( Tyler laughs )


I wrote a paper on corporations once.


They're totally evil.

I know.

You're an amazing driver. You know that? - Oh, yeah?

You're an amazing driver.

Yeah? Am I?

Yeah! I think you're so good that you could do this. - No.

Yes, you can.

No, no, no, no.

Hannah: What are you doing?!

Trust me.


You're doing good. You're doing good.

Stop the car!

Just trust me.

Just stay straight. Stay straight.

Oh, my God.

Pull over!

( honks )


That is not funny.

That is not funny. That is immature.

Are you f*cking insane?

Stop the car.

Stop it.

Thank you.


Frank: Hannah, Hannah.

Hannah, wait up.

Hannah, Hannah.


Are you mad?

I'm not mad, Frank.

I'm freaked out, which is the normal human response to driving in a car where the driver's eyes are being covered by another person and everyone's on whip-its.

And I am starving 'cause all you have to eat in your house is your pet rabbit, and I'm an undiagnosed hypoglycemic.

And then we come into this graveyard and I feel like I'm in freakin' "Hocus Pocus" and Thora Birch is gonna wear a little hat--

Are you 18?


I'm 19.

So, you were saying you're in this total free fall?

Mm, yeah.

It was like everything had just been stripped away from me and I was just one big, festering sore.

( laughs ) Ew.

That's sorta gross.

Do the guys on your team suck each other off?

When I was little, I thought that what happened when you died was just that you were floating in the sky, do you know, by the moon.

It was like, you were still yourself, still had all the same thoughts, but you were just alone and nobody that you knew was there with you and-- oh, okay.

( moaning )

( groaning )

( panting )

Just relax.

( music playing over radio )

Where's Tyler?

He's puking in the bushes.

Okay, I just had s*x with Frank.

It lasted for, like, eight seconds.

Are you serious?

That is disgusting.

He's a child.

Yeah, but didn't you have s*x with Tyler?

Not at all.

Wait, but, like, I thought that's what we were doing.

No, we weren't.

Okay, I wish you would've told me that.

Really, Hannah?

You really had no idea that this was not supposed to be a sexcapade?

I thought that this was fully a sexcapade.

I thought you brought me on a sexcapade.

This is-- that was fully just me trying to have continuity with you.

I am disgusted with myself.

And now I need to dry out my underwear behind the car.

♪ And I was your silver lining ♪
♪ High upon my toes ♪
♪ Well, you were running through fields of hitchhikers... ♪

Wait, where are we going? What are we doing?

You were hogging the covers.


You okay?

No, I don't feel so good.

I brought Zantac and Gaviscon and I think I brought Midol.

I don't think I was in the right frame of mind to see my father.

Well, who's ever in the right frame of mind to see their parents?


Don't talk about our parents like they're the same kind of parents.

( panting )

( coughing )

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

Running will be the f*cking death of me.

Oh, it's so f*cking boring.

I thought I'd enjoy moving to the country, but it's boring.

Jesus Christ, can't you stay put for one second?

Oh, darling, I've been here for two years.

What do you want me to do, roll over and die?

Not die, but clean your house once in a while, not act like leaving a woman and her child is a casual f*cking thing.

Oh, just-- down, okay?

Just down.

You have no idea, do you?

What do I have no idea about?


Of how much time I've spent waiting for you.

Of how much sh1t I've taken because you never taught me how to do anything else.

Oh-- oh, yeah? What sh1t?

Huh? What?


You disappearing for months on end, you never taking my calls when things between Mom and me were so bad.

( crying ) Why didn't you stand up for me?

Why weren't you there?

Why can't you do one single thing you say you're gonna do?

And you act like you want me to come see you, but you don't know how to have me here.

You don't know how to deal with it.

You don't know how to even have a conversation with me.

Oh, you think I can rely on you?


You shouldn't have to.

I'm the child.

I'm the child.

Hannah and I should be going if we're gonna catch the--

No, no, no. Darling.

Look, um...

Why don't-- why don't you just stay, okay?

Take the late train.

Um, I didn't get to see you last night, so why don't we just have a big old family meal, okay?

I know. I know, I know.

I'll make you bangers and mash.

You love your bangers and mash, no?

Can we do that?

Uh, hi.


Oh, I wasn't waiting here for you.

This is where I sit and-- and drink lemonade and... digest.

So you're waiting for me.

Mm, well, I mean, I was feeling kinda weird about something.



I just feel like you used me... for s*x.

( scoffs )

Frank, that's crazy.

You did, though.

Use me for s*x, I mean.

Okay, first of all, that wasn't s*x.

You came in my thigh crease.

That was s*x!


Okay, was that-- was that your first time?

My first-- that wasn't my first time.

All right?

Okay, good.

Okay, it was my second time, okay?

So who was your first time with?

A girl...


...named Rihanna.


Yeah, a girl who lives near me and is named Rihanna.


I'm so glad that it was with someone that special.


You know everyone thinks that I'm in love with Tyler.

But I'm not.

If anything, Tyler is in love with me.

Darling, I can't go in there, all right?

I'm fighting with the manager.

Now, I'll be driving around.

I'll see you in five minutes.

Oh, and, sweetheart, sweetheart, don't forget day-old lettuce for Petula's rabbits.

I'm so hungry. I cannot wait to get my own food.

I'm getting yogurt, almonds, baby food--


Well, I don't want whiskey, but if you want whiskey, I can front you $11.

He's not coming back.


This is what he does.

Well, do you want to call his cell phone?

There's no point.

Do you want to call Petula's phone?

Remember I gave my cell phone to that guy at the Mexican restaurant?

♪ I can't do it, I can't conceive ♪
♪ You're everything you're trying to make me believe ♪
♪ 'Cause this show is too well-designed ♪
♪ Too well to be held with only me in mind ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ How am I different? ♪

( screeching )

Ugh, Jessa, it's back.

It's definitely back. My urine feels so daggery.

It's back.


It's really, really, really hurting me.


Jess, I'm all packed.

We have to go.

( birds chirping )

( phone ringing )

Tad: Hannah?


Hannah banana!

Your mother and I were just talking about how excited we are for our trip to New York City.

Now, where's a nice place to stay for, say, 50 bucks a night?

Don't be stupid, Tad.

( laughs )

Your mother thinks I'm crazy, but the Internet has deals.

Okay, you need to talk into the receiver.

I know you think you're talking into the receiver, but you're not talking into the receiver.

( loudly )

Is-- is this better?

Okay, you don't have to scream.

I can hear you. You don't have to scream.

Ooh, there's just no talking to you when you're in one of your moods.

Why do you call us when you're in a bad mood?

I'm not in a bad mood.

Well, we just spoke with you three days ago, so obviously you need something.

God knows we're not people here.

We're just need-fillers.

I don't need money.

That's not why I'm calling.

I was calling to thank you for making me feel so supported as a child and sometimes even as an adult.

And there's times where I feel like we have nothing in common, we don't know each other at all, we weren't even really put on the same Earth by the same god.

But at the same time, I just feel like there's a hammock under the Earth that's protecting me.

It really means a lot and that's because of you, and I'm grateful.

Hannah, are you crying?

I love you, Mom. I really, really love you.


Oh, well... thank you.

I love you, too.

And you know what?

You're in my heart forever, you know?

Till I'm dead, and maybe even after I'm dead.

I don't know. When I'm just floating out in space and I'm so alone 'cause nobody I love is even around-- ah.

All right, now, I don't know what you're up to, but now I'm pissed.

I mean, I'm not falling for this crap, Hannah.


My back hurts, I'm up to my eyeballs in filth from going through your old garbage.

I'm not falling for this crap!

Don't worry, honey.

We're not gonna throw away anything that you need.


( train horn blaring )

( crying out )

( music playing )

♪ How ♪
♪ How am I different? ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ How am I different? ♪
♪ I can't do it, so move along ♪
♪ Do you really wanna wait until I prove you wrong? ♪
♪ And don't tell me, let me guess ♪
♪ I could change it all around ♪
♪ If I would just say yes ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ How am I different? ♪
♪ How ♪
♪ How am I different? ♪