02x09 - On All Fours

Charlie has a corner office with, like, 11 employees.

Charlie has a company?

Yeah.

Hi.

Yeah.

I'm a 33-year-old man. It's creepy for me to go to a college party.

You have to understand that.

What's your name?

Shoshanna.

That's a nice name.

I'm sorry if this is, like, really insulting, but you're, like, really good-looking for a doorman.

I want you to meet my daughter.

Holy sh1t.

Oh, my God. I love my mom.

Things are going really, really well with my book.

What's up, honey?

Nothing, I'm just telling you about my book.

You're counting.

So, why are your parents so worried, do you think?

Uh, because they think I seem anxious.

Are you?

But you have to be honest and tell me.

Did you actually like the movie?

No, yeah, I did.

Sandra Bullock, or whatever, is very charming.

I only wish the best for her.

Natalia: Well, I thought it was romantic.

Oh, except I hated-- I hated that one bathroom joke.

Oh, yeah.

"Oh, yeah"?

No, you laughed. I heard you.

Me?

Yes, you.

No-ho-ho-ho.

I'm ready to have s*x now.

Are you? - Yeah, I mean, I've just been thinking about it, and you've been really nice all week, so...

Okay.

I mean, we can do it, you know, if you want.

No, I want to. I-- I didn't-- but only if you--

No, I do.

( laughs ) Yeah, I do.

( laughing )

I'm on the pill...

Okay. but will you come outside of me just in case?

And I don't like to be on top that much or soft touching 'cause it tickles me and takes me out of the moment, but everything else is okay.

I just wanna take things kinda slow.

I will do all of those things.

Okay.

Just tell me when you want me to start.

Oh, if we kiss for a little bit longer, I should be okay.

I like how clear you are with me.

What other way is there?

( door opens )

Honey.

Thank you.

Hi, David.

Hannah, honey, honey, Hannah.

Hey.

It's been how long?

Oh, like, at least two weeks.

Oh, my God. It's great to see you.

I've really missed you.

Bob, three chais.

And have you been working out?

Oh, yeah.

Stop that.

I'll see you later.

These pages, hon.

I have to admit I didn't finish them.

But not because I didn't have time.

It's because I didn't want to.

Okay.

And I don't mean that as a criticism.

It's just that I felt that I didn't know who was writing them.

I wrote them.

Hannah, did your hymen grow back?

No.

Where's the sexual failure?

Where's the pudgy face slicked with semen and sadness?

What I'm getting here is a lot of friendship.

You know, it's very Jane Austen.

But, you know, we were talking about Anais Nin.

You know, your life on your back, right?

I mean-- that's actually a great title.

"My Life on My Back."

Well, I also wrote about 200 other pages which I didn't think were good enough to send you, but if you wanted me to just...

Yeah. dust those off and--

I can't wait to not read those.

Okay, well, I did have s*x with a teenager last month and I'm willing to talk about it.

I would love to hear about that.

I was scared that maybe it was the kind of thing you could get arrested for.

But that's the kind of stuff we need, you know what I--

In fact, I just had an epiphany.

If you're not getting f*cked right now, make it up.

Can you make it a novel?

Shoshanna: Okay, so, we have white sugar, and brown sugar, and then Splenda.

And I know you like Equal sometimes, but I don't have it, but it's totally fine because I can go ask my neighbor Vivian if you want it.

No, this is--this is perfect. Thank you.

What's with all the geisha sh1t?

What?

Um, what? I just want to take care of you because you're my boyfriend and I care about you.

Why? What? Is something wrong with that?

Do you think that's super weird?

What's wrong with you?

No, no, it's wonderful. It's really nice.

Um, yeah.

It's really nice.

Shosh, come here for a second.

So, that's that.

Hey, Shosh.

Hey, sorry.

Okay? I'm sorry.

That's a first.

What, saying I'm sorry?

Yeah, you don't apologize. You're famous for it.

( Marnie vocalizing )

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's Marnie. She's writing a song.

She's following her dream.

Ray: Hey, Patti LuPone.

Excuse me?

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Um, do you know anything about "GarageBand," the application?

Yeah.

I've been known to dabble in the Macintosh arts, yeah.

Could you help me lay down this track just really quickly?

No.

Absolutely not.

Ray, help her lay down a track.

Please? Come on.

Okay.

All right.

Marnie: Okay, so I have a click track, but it comes with that.

But I kind of want a bassoon, maybe drums.

But I don't want too much fill.

Ray: Did you just say "bassoon"?

( pricks )

No!

( crying )

Oh, my God.

( wincing )

Artificial sweeteners will rot in your insides.

I know, but that other stuff's gonna make me fat.

I'd rather you be fat and healthy.

Thank you.

What time do you get off work?

At 5:00.

And then my friend Angie is having this party for her engagement.

So I'm gonna go buy her something, then go--

Are boys allowed or...?

Yeah.

Lots of girls are bringing their boyfriends.

I'm your boyfriend.

I know.

Charlie: Maybe you should just have s*x with him.

Marla: I'm not sure it feels right.

I mean, I might just like him for his beach house.

Yeah.

Would you hold on one second?

Sure.

What's up? What are you doing here?

Are you kidding?

What?

We had concrete lunch plans.

Oh.

sh1t, dude. I totally forgot.

Yeah, dude. I waited for you for 45 minutes.

Hey.

Hey, I have to take this guy in.

My gears are totally shot.

Okay.

But I'll see you later?

Yeah, cool.

Congratulations again.

Oh, thank you, Marla.

I'm so sorry.

So you just forgot?

Yeah.

Things are just really crazy here today.

Forbid, we hit 20,000 MAUs and then everyone was just like, "Oh, f*ck, we did it."

What is an MAU?

It's just Monthly Average Users.

And, I guess, amidst all the craziness today I just spaced out about lunch.

Okay, okay.

Uh... oh, actually-- hey, we're actually gonna be having a party here tonight to celebrate.

The MAUs?

Yes, exactly.

And you should come.

It'll be fun.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Come.

Okay.

All right?

You'd better be there.

I have to. I will be here.

Okay.

All right.

Gah.

( crunches )

( gasps )

( screaming )

( phone ringing )

Hey, hey.

Hannah: Mom, I did something really bad and I really stuck a Q-tip far down my ear.

All right, slow down, hon-- look, it's Dad.

Okay? Slow down. Slow down, honey.

I think I'm deaf forever.

I can't 'cause I heard air hiss out the hole.

I heard air hiss out of it and I think I really messed it up.

What's going on?

It seems Hannah stuffed a Q-tip very deep into her ear hole.

Is that accurate, Hannah?

Nothing smaller than an elbow in there, ever.

That's it. Nothing-- did you hear your mom?

Ever.

Ever.

I have to go to the hospital.

Loreen: What's she saying?

The hospital.

Oh, my--

Who's going with you, baby?

Who's gonna go with you, honey?

Uh, any one of my, like, 12 to 15 very close friends.

That's not why I called you.

Loreen: Hannah, don't mosey. Go to the hospital!

Well, you must be feeling pretty silly.

What, were you digging for gold?

The Q-tip is still in.

I'm not blind, my dear.

How deep were you going?

I was having a little trouble hearing, so--

Well, nothing like you're having right now.

( pops )

Well, I'm gonna look into your ear now, okay?

Mm-hmm, thank you.

Hold still.

Okay.

I've just been having a little trouble with my mental state.

You're kidding.

These days, I just--

I have a lot of anxiety, and I didn't think that stress was affecting me, but it actually is, and so I'm not saying this was an accident, but I was just trying to clean myself out and I got a little bit...

Well, I can't see much down your ear.

There's too much blood.

Okay.

I'd say it's an abrasion.

An abraded drum.

If you're still having a problem hearing by the day after tomorrow, you should see a specialist.

Okay.

Do you think maybe you could clean the other one out?

Just because it's feeling a little uneven.

I don't clean ears, my dear.

I'm just going to put some antibiotic drops.

If you'll lie on your side, please.

Okay.

Thank you.

Maybe you could just look at the other one, not even clean it?

Ah, there's nothing wrong with the other one.

( crying out )

It's starting to hurt so bad.

Really? That bad?

Really bad.

Oh, it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't.

There.

Can I keep the Q-tip?

Certainly. I suggest you frame it.

( whimpers )


( music playing )

♪ Okay, I'm Rambo, I ramshack ♪
♪ I'm next to that cheese like rat traps ♪
♪ On top of that green like grass ass ♪
♪ That's over your head like snapbacks ♪
♪ I get it where I fit in, put up, then I put in ♪
♪ Tryin'a find a ass I can put my f*ckin' foot in ♪
♪ Run this sh1t, no, run this sh1t ♪
♪ Don't give one f*ck, bitch, I done this sh1t ♪
♪ I did what I say I did ♪
♪ Did not fabricate one bit ♪
♪ I have been the f*cking realest since my exit near the clit ♪
♪ Yeah, that's where I was born, f*ck what you on ♪
♪ All about me, bitch, f*ck what you doin' ♪
♪ Round of applause, bitches... ♪

Charlie, hi!

Oh.

Your office is, like, stupidly grown-up.

Bye.

Bye, Marissa. Thanks.

Like, grown-ups do work here.

No, I know. A lot of grown-ups, but it's cool.

A little bougie, don't you think?

It's, you know-- it's just beer and pizza.

Right, the people's food.

I'm not doing this with you, man.

Are some of the women here prostitutes?

Anyways, Marnie told us about the "amus."

Uh, congratulations.

We are both, like, exceedingly happy for you.

Oh, my God. 20,000? Like, that's insane.

I'm gonna get a shitty beer.

Do you guys want anything? You already have one, I see.

I'm good, I have my own shitty beer. Thanks, dude.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I do not know why he's acting this way.

He's Ray.

You know? And that's how he is.

Yeah, he's Ray, and that's how he is.

I didn't mean that offensively.

No, I know.

Okay. That was weird.

Okay, I don't want this to be awkward, but, like, you look amazing.

Like, seriously, you could have s*x with any girl at this party, including me.

Oh, my God.

Hey, come on, you need to see--

No, don't. Come on.

I know some of these people from high school, and the rest of them I know from Angie's college.

Mm, good people?

Uh, mostly, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, look, do you mind if I drink some wine a little bit?

f*ck, no.

Are you sure?

Because my mom-- she sometimes gets weird when I drink, so I just wanna make sure...

Well, I'm not your mom.

Well, that's good.

That's really good. Okay.

( gasps, screams )

Hi, Ange! Hi!

Nat, oh, hi.

Is this he?

Yes, this is him.

Oh, it is so good to meet you, Adam.

You as well.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

It means the world.

Well, I hope you know how special she is, how much we all love her, and how angry we'd all be if you ever hurt her.

I'm sorry, in my world that would be like hurting Mother Teresa.

Really?

Except Mother Teresa didn't blow my cousin.

( laughs )

It was a long time ago.

But we love this f*cking girl.

I'm gonna go get something to drink.

Do you want, like, a seltzer?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna come with.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Um, I'm sorry, he has the face of an old-timey criminal.

What are you talking about?

No, he looks like Peter Pan.

How pissed are we to be missing the game?

Oh, yeah, f*ck.

( music playing )

Have you seen Charlie?

Do you see my girlfriend just throwing herself at Bazooka Joe over there?

Yeah, restaurants are, like--

I guess they're just my passion.

And going out to dinner's, like, just part of who I am.

That's so-- that's a great part.

That's great.

I don't know what you're talking about, Ray.

Skip it.

Oh, hey, Maggie.

Hey.

So, listen, on a scale of one to 10, how good do you think my voice actually is?

( sighs ) I already told you it's good, okay?

It's good. Don't make me say it again.

But, like, is it really good?

I kinda need to know, like, now, because I have something really special planned for tonight and...

Marnie, it's great, okay?

Your voice is great. It's Katy Perry great.

Marnie: What is that supposed to mean?

I love Katy Perry.

Oh, quite sorry.

Adam?

sh1t, Hannah, hi.

Hi.

I guess we're probably not really huggers.

Nuh-uh, but hi.

God, it's always so weird running into somebody that you know outside... by accident.

It's like once when I was in middle school, my mom and I saw one of my teachers at Kroger's and I was just like, "Mom, what is she doing here?"

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I'm, um... my girlfriend's friend got engaged.

Your girlfriend, wow.

You have a girlfriend.

The kind of girlfriend whose friends get engaged, so she must be-- what's her name?

Nat-- uh, Natalia.

Oh, that's a cool name.

That's like a relaxed-- it's a cool girl name.

Yeah, I like it, too. She's great.

Well, I'm coming from the hospital because I shoved this Q-tip down my ear hole.

Jesus f*cking Christ, kid. Be careful.

"Kid."

It's very nice... to hear you say that.

It's, uh... gives me a weird... feeling.

All right, I'm gonna head back inside.

It was good seeing you.

You should get some rest. You look pretty tired.

And put some pants on.

Well, I'm gonna get some rest, but, um, I also am working on my book.

I'm polishing up my book.

That's great.

All right, I'll catch you later.

( door closes )

Do you know that part of town?

Bartender: Sure.

Bartender: My parents still live there.

Oh, really?

Did you hear that? Mets are up three-two.

No. I'm gonna have a Jack and ginger, actually.

Sure.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

I wanna be able to have a nice time with you.

I should be able to show you a nice time.

Uh, two Jack and gingers, please.

( car horn honks )

♪ I'm a tulip in a cup ♪
♪ I stand no chance of growing up ♪
♪ I've made my peace, I'm dead, I'm done ♪
♪ I watch you live to have my fun ♪
♪ I root for you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ You, you, you, you ♪
♪ I root for you ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ You, you, you. ♪
♪ Girls, girls... ♪

Hey, what's up?

Hey. I was wondering if you could just switch...

Go right ahead. Yeah.

( music stops )

( crowd groans )

Great. And just put that in there.

And then you can just go ahead and hit "play."

Okay.

Just give me a second.

I just have a couple things to say.

Um, hello. How's everybody doing?

My name is Marnie.

Hi! Aw, how's it going?

Listen, I'm a friend of-- an old friend of Charlie's.

Hi, Charlie.

Hi.

And I just wanted to say how proud I am of you and all of you.

This is such a big deal. Congratulations.

I've planned a little bit of a treat, a surprise for you guys this evening...

Don't. just to celebrate this premature success you've all had.

Really-- I mean, this song is really meaningful to me.

I didn't do this.

I hope you have the same reaction.

And you can press "play."

( piano music playing )

♪ Work it, make it, do it ♪
♪ Makes us harder, better, faster, stronger ♪
♪ That-- that-- that don't kill me... ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Can only make me stronger ♪

♪ I need you to hurry up now ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't wait much longer ♪
♪ Let's get lost tonight ♪
♪ You can be my white Kate Moss tonight ♪
♪ Play secretary, you're the boss tonight ♪
♪ And you don't give a f*ck what they all say, right? ♪
♪ Bow in the presence of greatness ♪
♪ 'Cause right now thou hast forsaken us ♪
♪ You should be honored by my lateness ♪
♪ That I would even show up to this fake sh1t ♪
♪ So go ahead, go nuts, go apeshit ♪
♪ 'Specially my Pastels and my Bape sh1t... ♪

She's still going.

♪ I know I got to be right now ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't get much wronger ♪
♪ Man, I been waitin' all night now ♪

♪ That's how long I've been on ya. ♪

Congrats on the 20,000, you guys, really.

Congratulations.

Whoo!

Guys, wasn't that f*ckin' awesome?

( scattered laughter )

Marnie: Where are we going?

♪ I've got my eyes on the prize ♪
♪ And I'm ready to cash it in... ♪

Should I be embarrassed?

You don't have to try to make me feel better or anything.

No, no, don't worry. I wasn't going to.

Oh.

Dude, you've got to get your sh1t together, okay?

You're flailing.

I've never even seen you like this before.

It wasn't that bad.

It wasn't good.

It's like you're manic.

It's like I don't know what's going on with you.

Like all that sh1t that went down with Booth.

What can I do to help?

Oh, my God. No.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

I'm really good, actually.

And sometimes being really good all the time feels really bad.

But I'm on a journey.

It's my journey, and I am okay.

And please don't pity me.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

It feels f*cking terrible.

Are people gonna see us?

Who gives a f*ck?

Yeah.

( grunting )

( moaning )

Excuse me.

Hey, what's going on here?

What? Nothing. I just have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, of course you do. Why are you avoiding me?

Um, I'm not. I'm socializing.

I'm sorry if that's not working for you, my social butterfly-ness.

Hey, you've been acting weird-- hey, look.

You've been acting really weird for a few days now.

Um...

Really weird.

And tonight, it's some sort of f*cking nadir of the whole cycle.

What's going on?

I've not been acting weird.

I've not been acting weird. What does "nadir" mean?

Please, level with me. Are you sick of me?

Do I smell? Am I too f*cking tall for you?

No, no. What? No.

I mean, none of those things. You're not even that tall.

Then why are you acting as though some alien has just stepped out of a spacecraft for the first time and decided to use Shoshanna's body as a f*cking vessel?

I did something bad!

What?

I'm really sorry and it didn't mean anything, but I held the doorman's hand.

You held the doorman's hand?

I know, I'm sorry.

It's terrible and now you probably think I'm a whore and you wanna break up with me.

Do you still wanna be with me?

Mm-hmm.

( chuckles )

Come here, you big f*ckin' weirdo.

I love you so much.

Oh, good.

Well, what's it for?

Adam: I'm going somewhere.

( chuckles ) Yeah?

Where are you going?

I don't know yet. You could come.

Adventure on the Hudson.

Maybe the Mississippi.

I don't know, it's like when you first get your driver's license-- endless possibilities.

Well, I think you need a little bit of help... organizing.

You know, this place is just, um...

I don't know, it's depressing.

It's just-- it's darker than you are, you know?

Does it make you feel differently about me?

No.

No.

Hey.

Get on all fours.

What?

Get on... all fours.

Crawl to my bedroom.

Okay.

I'm crawling.

I, like, want Purell so badly right now it's crazy.

( laughs )

( wood scrapes )

Oh, my God, this place is a filth.

There's, like, nails and sh1t all over the--

Okay, so, um... what is it you're going for exactly?

I wanna f*ck you from behind.

Hit the walls of you.

Okay.

Oh, I, uh...

No--

Look, I didn't take a shower today, so--

( gasps )

That's fine. Relax.

You like my house?

Uh-huh.

You like the way I look?

Uh... huh.

( grunting )

You really like me?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, no. No, not-- not on my dress.

( beating )

( moans )

( breathing heavily )

I don't think I liked that.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I, like, really didn't like that.

Jesus, I feel dizzy.

Is this it? Are you done with me?

( distant traffic blaring )

♪ Don't wanna be free of hope ♪
♪ And I'm at the end of my rope ♪
♪ It's so tough just to be alive ♪
♪ When I feel like the living dead ♪
♪ I'm giving it up so plain ♪
♪ I'm living my life in vain ♪
♪ And where am I going to? ♪
♪ Hoo hoo... ♪

( cheering and applause )

♪ I don't know where is up or down ♪
♪ And there ain't any love left around ♪
♪ Everybody wearin' a frown ♪
♪ Waiting for Santa to come to town ♪
♪ You're giving it up so plain ♪
♪ You're living your lives in vain ♪
♪ And where am I going to? ♪
♪ Hoo hoo. ♪