(woman vocalizing)
♪ I'm on a mission to search and destroy ♪
♪ Don't get it twisted, I'm ready to make some noise ♪
♪ Thought you could play me just like a Nintendo ♪
♪ But don't you know that I'm loco ♪
♪ I came to win, win, win, better show me what you got ♪
♪ I came to bring the fire 'cause you know I like it hot ♪
♪ Gonna win, win, win, 'cause I'm full of tiger blood ♪
♪ I'm vicious like a viper and I'm ready to turn it on ♪
♪ Work hard and so we play hard... ♪
Hannah.
Hannah, I saw you see us.
I just started my run, okay?
That's not true. You were returning here to your home.
What I do is I run up and down the block multiple times till I feel like I'm gonna barf.
I measured it out. It's basically a mile.
What are you doing here?
Hannah, you haven't returned any of our phone calls. Not one.
Honey, I called you 23 times the other day.
Yeah, does that not strike you as a bit psycho?
We just want to spend some time with you, honey, okay?
As a normal family unit.
Well, I would say "normal family unit" kind of went out the window when one of you became gay and the other started dressing like Pat Benatar.
Please be open to us, Hannah.
Be open to the time we want to spend with you.
I have to finish my run.
(scoffs) Bullshit.
(snickers)
No, Mom, you don't know. I've been running a lot.
I'm not sure if you've heard of "endor-phins," but they've been really helping me.
Helping me to deal with you.
(sighs)
Endorphins.
Comes on the...
I'm sorry I didn't come. I was really close.
The good news is I can only come when I kind of hate someone.
I'm working on that with my online therapist.
Well, I won't stop trying.
Ray, you have to support me professionally, okay?
I mean, as much as it might cause damage to us romantically, Desi and I are opening for the Lumineers in Boston.
(Ray) That's great. That sounds amazing.
I mean, I thought Lumineers were teeth caps, but clearly, based on your enthusiasm, they must nurture some important significance in the alternative rock universe.
Except f*cking Tandace is coming on every stop of the tour.
And I'm telling you, she is deeply crazy.
No one is that calm.
Right, she is calm.
Come with me.
On tour?
Yes, totally.
I mean, I will require a lot of emotional support and some minor logistical support.
You know, simple stuff, like making sure I have coconut water and Smartwater and sort my vitamins and figure out how much zinc to take, all that stuff.
But I know you don't want to be without me.
(laughs)
I know that.
Um...
Come on, please?
Please?
You're so cute when you beg.
Please?
(chuckles) I'm a human.
I'm just a mortal man.
Yeah, I'd love to come. That sounds great.
Yeah?
Yeah, why not?
What about work?
What about work? It'll be fine.
Kippy can run the community board meetings for a little while and Shosh has the coffee shop on lockdown.
Are you still peeing?
Huh? Yeah.
I mean, I just want to make sure I get every last drop out.
You are not giving me a UTI before a tour.
(music playing)
_
Amazing work, Megan.
Keep it moving, but also, like, keep it connected. Just like...
Hermie, Hermie, hi. Just a minute.
Okay, I have some news that is going to rock your Mephistos right off your socks.
"The New York Times" Thursday style section wants to come here and do a piece on us next week.
They love the hipster-hate angle.
They want to do a whole profile on our Uh... transformation, so I bought a few shirts and I put them in your office and I hung them in like descending order of preference. Now, Shoshanna. Shoshanna. the turquoise is my... Yes?
Shoshanna!
I know I told you to lean in.
Yeah.
But you've gone too far.
Now I want you to lean out.
Oh, my God, are you f*ring me?
No, no.
We've made more money this week than the past five months.
It's just you're a very intense person.
You've got a powerful energy and it's too much.
I need you to take it down a notch.
I... oh, no.
(door opens)
Hi, sir. Bye, sir.
Your kind are not welcome here.
Read the sign. Out.
Hermie, Hermie, we cannot actually turn people away.
That's discrimination. We just have to, like, you know, glare at them and make them super uncomfortable and bully them until they leave of their own volition.
Listen to me, muffin.
From now on, anybody who walks through that door with a bun on top of their head or tattoos that were not acquired during a naval adventure on the South Pacific, we treat 'em like a hippie at Disneyland in '68.
This is a haven for normal people...
working men and ladies.
Free refills, everybody. This week only.
We're taking back the night.
You're either with me or you're against me.
I am so with you, Hermie.
Please save me all of those magical quotes for "The New York Times."
All right, Sample, let's eat.
(toilet flushing)
Okay, oi.
Spoon is an airplane.
And it's crashing into your face.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's way too much for one bite.
What do you mean?
That's too much food. She could choke.
But she's not choking.
She's just spitting it out like a normal person.
(Sample babbling)
So, what, now you're just gonna do it?
Here.
Can I at least get some f*cking credit here?
Look what I got.
You told me I sucked with the baby and now I'm trying to be better with the baby and you're still telling me I'm f*cking up the baby.
I watched two YouTube videos about babies, Adam.
(scoffs)
That's a good girl.
If you want someone who's so good with babies, why don't you call Hannah?
She loves babies. She's always trying to accidentally French them.
Why the f*ck would you mention Hannah right now?
I'm sorry, I can't mention her?
Can't even have thoughts about her?
Um, no, you can think it all you want, but don't feel the need to share it with me.
(babbles)
It's okay.
I'm thinking about her right now.
Banana, you don't seem like you're having fun with us.
I'm not. You guys are depressing.
No, we're not.
Yeah, no, we're a little depressing.
Honey, is it because we're trying to make it work?
Yes.
Hannah, stop judging.
You know what? I don't like being judged either.
That's why I had to end my relationship with Fran, so I will stop judging you.
If you get better haircuts.
If you want us to, we'll get haircuts.
(Tad) We will.
Thank you. Now, I need everyone to stop talking to me 'cause I'm trying to get in the zone for The Moth tonight.
Well, that's fun. What's that?
Oh, it's like an open-mic storytelling contest that can lead to NPR opportunities and be kind of a doorway to Ira Glass.
So, you're writing again?
I don't know, but I have something to say.
What are you wearing?
I would say just, like, this with, like, a blazer and, like, a belt with trinkets.
No.
No.
What if I add, like, a chunky heel?
No. No.
No. No.
Let's go shoppin'.
Oh, my God. This stuff is so cute.
Mm-hmm.
Mom, I would wear this on a date with Mark Ruffalo.
I would wear this to lunch with Graydon Carter.
Yeah, it's very good for our body type.
We don't have the same body type.
Hey, which of your friends are coming tonight?
Oh, I don't know. Not Jessa.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. That is such f*cking bullshit.
I just spend all my time trying not to sink to their level, which is really hard.
When I saw them last, I said, "Good day, sirs and misses," like I was a f*cking Newsy.
Good for you. I had a friend who stole my boyfriend once. Dale. He was such a hunk. Captain of the debate team.
And then Cadence, this math major bitch, she started sleeping with him when I went home for Great-Aunt Bibs' funeral.
Can you imagine? I'm already mourning Bibs and then this. But you know what?
What?
Two years later, she steps in front of a car, freak accident, and she's dead.
Now, I'm not saying that's gonna happen to Jessa, but I'm also saying I hope it does, for your sake.
It freed me from so much anger, anger that probably would've k*lled me.
And then Dale wanted you again?
I didn't even think of that. I was just so happy Cadence was dead.
(knock on door)
(Elijah) Hannah, open up the door, okay?
(knocks) Hannah, I'm not f*cking around.
I need to get in there and wash my lower half, by which I mean my d*ck and my balls and my a... hey!
Hey!
Come on in. Hi.
Hi!
(both groan)
My, what a nice surprise.
Come on in.
I thought I was gonna have another morning alone, ever since your dumb daughter started running.
Yes.
Yep, okay.
You all right, Elijah?
Uh-huh.
You sleep at all, Elijah?
Yeah, yeah, no, I slept... yeah, I slept Wednesday.
Well, it's Saturday... now. It sure is Saturday.
(laughs) Oh, well...
Tad, Calendar Man.
Yeah.
I don't know, yeah. I've just been having a good time, you know?
Just letting the chips fall where they may, you know?
Just having a good old time. What about you?
You here for another gay-for-all?
No, I'm here with my wife.
(laughing)
Oh, Tad.
That is the saddest thing I have ever heard.
Doing my best.
Really?
Well, maybe your best isn't good enough.
Yeah.
You know?
Maybe your f*ckin' best isn't good enough, Tad.
Yeah.
I need your bosom.
Okay.
Oh, Tad, what does it matter, anyway?
You know, just a bunch of f*ckin' assholes out there just getting whatever they want while the rest of us just rot.
Look at me, I'm just trying to live my life, be a good person, and the rich keep getting richer while I turn to dust on Bleecker Street, you know?
f*ckin' Tad, you know, I just want to be happy.
(sighs)
Is that w... I mean, I just want to be happy.
I just want one day where I just feel good.
Of course, of course you do.
I just feel like...
I just feel like giving up.
Don't you?
No.
I feel like I'm just starting.
She ate once, shat twice, slept for an hour.
Can't thank you enough, man.
I mean, I was able to get protein powder and underpants, saw my friend Justin.
You know, just to have, like, a second to breathe was crucial.
Hey, Samps.
Hey, Samps, girl. Hi.
Hey, look at me.
I'm looking at you.
No, no, no, really look at me in my face.
Okay.
(Sample fussing)
Okay.
You okay?
Here's Daddy!
Oh, hi.
Oh, I missed you. Hi.
I missed you so much.
We're gonna get this on you and then we're gonna go.
We're gonna get this f*ckin' thing...
You know what? I'll carry her.
I'll just carry you. I'd rather Okay. do that anyway, all right? (gasps) Here's your bag.
Thank you again, man.
Mm-hmm.
Really appreciate it. You wanna say bye?
Bye, bye, bye.
Yeah, here we go.
What should we do tonight? You wanna watch cartoons?
(door closes)
Okay, he seems okay to me.
Now we can do something fun.
We could ride a water taxi or maybe go have sex at Trader Joe's.
(chuckles)
You know, last time we saw Hannah...
I'm sorry, just one last thing I can't get out of my head.
Last time we saw Hannah, she called me "miss" and you "sir."
Didn't that upset you?
No, it didn't. I'm f*ckin' fine, thanks.
In fact, you bringing it up all the time is really starting to piss me off.
She's not in our lives anymore.
Why can't you just f*cking let it go?
You really don't get it, do you?
No, no. I really don't.
Hannah is my dearest friend.
She will always come first.
We may not be talking right now.
And I hope to God that that changes.
So, you saying that she's not in our lives anymore doesn't work for me.
You know people hate me. I'm a hate-able kind of person.
I don't know why. I can't help it.
Maybe it's 'cause I have a big ass and good hair.
But I know... I know that I have principles.
And one thing I don't do is steal people's boyfriends.
But you ruined that.
Don't you see that?
I'll never forgive you.
I will never forgive you for that.
We could die in the same bed and I will never forgive you.
Jessa, come back here!
f*ck.
Sophie, you run that website?
Uh-huh.
That's amazing.
It's called, um, Desmerize.
No, I know what it's called.
It's my favorite one. I'm on that site like all the time.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
(chuckles)
What?
It's just that, um... (giggles)
What?
Um, ever since you were on "Charmed," I've, like... loved you.
Oh, my God, Sophie, I love you.
Oh.
And let's, um... let's definitely do that interview later that we talked about?
Okay, definitely.
Okay, cool.
I can't wait.
Hi, girls.
Hey.
(giggling)
Later.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
How's it going?
Ray.
Where's Tandace?
Yeah, she... f*ck, her dad d*ed, so she, er, she had to take five.
Oh, no.
(Marnie) Whoa.
Yeah, yeah.
Was it a... sudden, or...?
I don't really know the details, but it sounded pretty serious, you know?
Desi, look, I, ah, I'm gonna be joining you guys on the tour, um, carrying guitar cases, (Marnie laughing) fetching snacks, and so on.
Oh.
So, ah, I just really hope we can figure out a way to keep things, um, cordial, you know?
Maybe even enjoy a sparkling beverage at the end of the day.
I mean, I don't drink, but, you know, I've never refused a juice.
All right. Exactly.
We're all adults here.
I don't believe a f*ckin' thing coming out of your mouth.
Well, that's on you, because the only time I ever lied is when I said I cared that you lived or d*ed!
I'm so f*cking out of here.
No, you're not going anywhere. I'm not gonna let Hannah break us apart.
I'll f*ckin' run her over with a car if I have to.
God f*ckin'... God damn it! f*cking best friend?!
Oh, you have great taste in friends, then.
She's a lazy, e-e-entitled, manipulative, myopic narcissist who knows a f*ck of a lot less than she thinks she does.
Why do you think I hated you for so f*cking long?
Because Hannah f*cking hates you!
Welcome to having a friend, something you would know nothing about, you f*cking dumb f*ck, goat-faced f*ck!
And Hannah is a c**t whether she's around or not.
(grunts)
Hannah's a bitch and a c**t!
Hannah's a f*cking bitch and a c**t!
We're done with her!
Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
We're done with her?
We will never be done with her, you sh*t!
f*ck!
Jesus.
(yells)
(Jessa screams)
(lock clicks)
No f*ckin' way!
Come out!
(Adam pounding on door)
Open this f*cking door!
I'm not kidding!
(panting)
You're kidding me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
You didn't scare me.
It was just so over-the-top unnecessary.
Well, you're gonna make a great therapist because you're f*cking insane.
And you're gonna be an amazing actor because you're a narcissist and a sociopath!
Hannah told me everything about you.
Everything!
I used to think she was being dramatic, but now I know it was all true.
You're actually the worst!
f*ck you.
Ass f*ck!
(screams)
This particular line of people is literally my worst nightmare.
Well, you're dressed like Lance Bass, so...
(Loreen) So, when do you go on?
Well, I don't know if I go on.
You know, I put my name in, and if they pick me, they pick me.
And then they vote based on looks?
No, Elijah, they vote on adherence to the theme, general storytelling ability, okay, and charisma, et cetera.
Okay, well, that's too bad because you are a moth nine.
Why don't you guys go sit down? Where's Dad?
Well, he'll be here soon, I think. Or, I don't know, maybe he won't.
I'll go get us a seat.
Hannah, how are you ever going to get to the front of this line?
The only time you shove is to get free samples at Whole Foods.
I don't shove at Whole Foods.
I'll do it.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry, sir. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Excuse me real quick. I lost my place earlier.
Excuse me, sir, jeez.
(stage-whispers) I put your name in twice.
Hi.
Hello.
You waiting to sign up, or...?
Yeah, should I pull a you and put my name in twice?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, um, listen.
I'm not gonna tell nobody, but that was uncool.
I hear you. I didn't think it was cool.
There are actually people in there trying to live their dream.
I know. There's no part of me that is defending that action.
I have a podcast. I care.
I get it.
Hello, everybody, welcome to The Moth.
(crowd cheering)
I'm Ophira Eisenberg and tonight's theme is jealousy, which should be a perfect way for you to frame your sex stories.
So we'll be choosing our storytellers at random.
They will come up here and tell a true story from their life.
All right, everybody, let's get things started.
(crowd cheering)
Our first storyteller of the evening is Leslie Johnstone.
I hate Doug.
I hooked up with him two nights earlier.
But who I really hate is this Australian woman who he hooked up with one night earlier.
I don't remember her name, so let's just call her Cunty.
(laughing)
I'm lying in my bed at night, and what I'm subconsciously wishing for is some sort of a transformation.
So, in high school, she was such a knockout that the boys nicknamed her Boom Boom Shauna.
(Man) When I was in college, instead of asking a girl out,
I would ask her if I could ask her out sometime.
In reality, what's really going through your mind is, "I'm going to buy a house today."
(laughing)
Our next storyteller is...
Hannah "Horvayth."
Wait, wait, wait, you can't bring those up.
But they're my prompts.
What, are you an idiot?
Nah, you'll get disqualified. No notes.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thanks.
It's actually Horvath, but having your Polish last name properly pronounced is, you know, kind of low on the list of priorities.
There's police brutality to worry about and stuff.
(scattered laughter)
So, um... what follows is a classic tale of jealousy and b*ating it back like the medieval dragon that it is.
In this story, I am Viggo Mortensen in "Lord of the Rings," and jealousy is powerless against my sword.
And this begins the way all stories of jealousy do... all great stories of jealousy... which is with my ex-boyfriend and my best friend f*cking.
And this is not just any best friend.
This is the best friend who I would say looks like Brigitte Bardot had a baby with a mermaid.
(laughter)
She literally had an open fungal sore on her face and Matthew Perry still asked her out.
(laughter)
So, um, I guess I'm not what you would describe as, like, a chill girl.
I'm not like a cool, relaxed lady.
Like, you would never meet me and be like, "That Hannah, she really goes with the flow like a funky youth."
You would be like, "Has she snorted Adderall in the last 60 minutes?"
So when I found out about my ex-boyfriend and my best friend, um, I was weirdly calm, considering that fact.
Frozen, even, you know?
I tried to imagine all these horrible things, like him licking her elephant tramp stamp and sucking her tiny tit while she cupped his balls and then he sucked on her lip, which is shaped like a rosebud.
And I tried to get myself really worked up and just imagine all this horrible stuff on a loop, but the fact is is that I wasn't angry, I was sad.
I was sad about what I thought they knew I was.
I thought they were sitting there going like, "Oh, God, Hannah's freaking out.
She's gonna k*ll a cat and she's gonna nail it to our door.
She's going to cry so hard that all of Greenpoint fills with tears and it's like f*ckin' Waterworld."
And you know what? They weren't wrong.
I had to fight really, really hard not to be that girl.
And it wasn't easy. I thought about, um, throwing a bike through his window, but, A, he lives on the third floor. I have very poor upper body strength.
And, B, he probably would have appreciated it and been like, "Thanks for the bike."
(laughter)
I thought about sending her a text that said, "How does the wind feel caressing your two faces, young lady?"
But instead I sat and cried and thought and ate and wrote and masturbated thinking about Chris Farley, which is a thing from my childhood that I haven't fully worked through yet.
But when I heard tonight's theme was jealousy, I knew that I needed an end to my story, a real end, and that end came about 20 minutes before I arrived here when I delivered a very nice and not at all cheap fruit basket to his door, along with a note that said, "Good luck.
I mean it sincerely.
In perpetuity, Hannah."
'Cause that's the fact, you know?
I'm Hannah forever.
No matter what I do, no matter whether I, you know, start a new nuclear m*ssile crisis with my emotions or just sit back and chill and give someone a fruit basket.
I can only control the mayhem that I create around me.
But the crazy thing is that when I showed up, I heard screaming and I heard my name and I heard madness, and I knew that I was free, at least for tonight.
That's all. Thank you.
Whoo!
(mouths) Ten.
♪ You're just too good to be true ♪
♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪
♪ You'd be like heaven to touch ♪
♪ I wanna hold you so much ♪
♪ At long last love has arrived ♪
♪ And I thank God I'm alive ♪
♪ You're just too good to be true... ♪
(knocks)
Desi?
It's Marnie. I need to get in there.
I need my in-ear monitors, I need my open-toed shoes. Come on.
I really love your website.
(moans)
(Marnie knocks) Desi?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
(Ray) Desi, come on, man. Open the door.
Whoa.
(pounding door)
Open the door!
She needs her f*cking open-toed shoes!
♪ ...feel like I feel ♪
♪ Please let me know that it's real ♪
♪ You're just too good to be true ♪
♪ Can't take my eyes off of you... ♪
I am gonna die having done nothing.
I don't have a lot of time left in the scheme of things.
Well, I'm gonna die having done nothing, and I have a ton of time left in the scheme of things.
I'm gonna live, like, 80 more years. It's horrible!
(both laugh)
I'm like three beers away from trying to f*ck you.
Apparently, you're my type.
(both laugh)
♪ Oh, pretty baby... ♪
(panting)
♪ Don't bring me down, I pray ♪
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
♪ Now that I've found you, stay ♪
♪ And let me love you, baby ♪
♪ Let me love you ♪
♪ You're just too good to be true ♪
♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪
♪ You'd be like heaven to touch ♪
♪ I wanna hold you so much ♪
♪ At long last love has arrived ♪
♪ And I thank God I'm alive ♪
♪ You're just too good to be true ♪
♪ Can't take my eyes off of you... ♪
♪ I love you, baby ♪
♪ And if it's quite all right ♪
♪ I need you, baby, to warm the lonely night ♪
♪ I love you, baby ♪
♪ Trust in me when I say ♪
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
♪ Don't bring me down, I pray ♪
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
♪ Now that I've found you, stay ♪
♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪
♪ Trust in me when I say... ♪
(instrumental music playing)