01x02 - The Hens

[bunniefuu]

♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Taking over ♪
♪ I'm here to stay-ay-ay ♪
♪ One day you'll be looking ♪
♪ But things'll come my way ♪
♪ Don't drop, don' t tell me to stop ♪
♪ Cos I'll be taking over today ♪
♪ I'm taking over this whole place ♪
♪ I'm on my way to outer space ♪

Borderline - S01E02 - The Hens

Every year, nearly 500,000 people enter the UK annually every year.

At Northend airport, the agents of Borderline remain effective by working hard and staying vigilant.

In this morning's briefing about first aid, Chief Inspector Linda Proctor wants to emphasise the importance of teamwork and professionalism.

Though this could be a challenge, as she seems slightly preoccupied.

So...

first aid.

Why is first aid so important?

Because if your co-worker needs help, it's your job to support them.

Does that sound too hard?

Is supporting your partner too boring?

Sounds pretty simple to me.

That's what marriage is.

It's a mutual contract between two adults who care about each other and support each other.

Are you OK?

So, last night, my husband decided that he was going to quit his job and repair vintage motorcycles.

Because apparently, being an accountant for one of the biggest firms in England is too boring.

Because jobs can't be boring, they have to be fun all the time.

I mean look at me, I'm...

having the time of my life.

As the agents settle at their desks, it's clear that Tariq Mansoor is also having a difficult morning.

Big night?

Yeah, I went out with some mates and I had half a bottle of Jaeger.

Oh, Jaeger.

Did you take your fake ID?

No, I don't need ID because im a grown-up.

Grown-up that drinks Jaeger.

Did you go to Laser Quest, as well?

Um, no.

I'm doing that next week.

Oh, OK.

So what did you do?

Just stayed up and watched The Voice battle round.

The Voice battle round?

Yep, that's right.

Thanks for saying that so loudly.

The Voice battle round.

Just because I don't go out drinking every night, doesn't mean I'm not fun.

You know, I'm fun.

That's the window bit, so I've separated that out.

So, please don't move that.

That's the reference guide.

Also, if you think you're forcing it in, that's, that's not a fit.

You're having fun, right?

This is, this is fun.

That's so cool.

It is cool, yeah.

That is cool.

As these two agents discuss who's the least professional, duty calls for agent Clive Hassler.

He faces the unusual situation of stopping two passengers from leaving the country.

It's not, it's not a definite amount of time.

Just detained a Miss Allen and a Miss Ferguson who were on their way to a hen party in Benidorm.

But one of them is too drunk to fly.

It's not a problem.

You just, you have to stop them from getting aggressive, cos then you have to call the police.

It's not a big problem for me, I feel like I'm quite good at keeping people calm.

They seem nice...

and a bit wild!

Meanwhile, agent Grant Brodie has detained this Ukrainian passenger, unlucky enough to be stopped in a random spot check, but for some reason he's hesitant to enter the interview room.

He's been outside for nearly 12 minutes.

I just need to determine the nature of your visit here.

Here to work, or, you know, clean house?

No, I have a job back home, I have a shop.

Oh, really?

What kind of a shop do you have?

Well, I sell Italian stockings and underwear.

Lovely.


(He chuckles nervously)


Yeah.

Do you know, I was just checking that you weren't here to, you know, take anybody's jobs.

Yeah.

So I just need to...

Do you have a return ticket, Miss Panchenko?

Yes.

it's a lovely picture.

Pachenko.

Ah, Pachenko.

So, you're travelling alone?

Yes.

No husband?

I'm single, no husband.

Oh, I wasn't, like, checking for me, or...

as...

ahem, it's for my records -

THE records.

That's OK.

While agent Brodie continues to interrogate his detainee, agent Hassler tries to keep the drunk hen party occupied.

I knew a guy who got married and he had a stag do and...

I bet it was crazy!

Two cups for the ladies.

Worried that agent Hassler might need some assistance, agent Church arrives with refreshments for the hens.

It's also a great chance for her to show just how fun she can be.

So what have you guys got planned for the hen do then?

Oh, God, loads.

We've already been to London last weekend.

Oh, right.

We totally smashed it up, didn't we?

I bet you did.

Yeah, I got this naked butler and he put his d*ck in her drink.

Then I drank it.

Yeah.

I probably would have drank it, too, if I had been there.

So when we get to Benidorm, we're just gonna hit the beach and party.

Like, go crazy.

This one is mental, she's a monster.

Is she?

As you can see.

I can see that, yeah.

I met my husband in the car park of a supermarket and he was driving around in his Ford Fiesta, and I got in.

And I said, "I don't go home with strangers."

And then he kissed me and he went,

"We're not strangers any more."

And then he took me home and he put it right up me.

Oh, my God, Anne Marie - she's the one getting married - show her what we've got her, it's so funny.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to make her wear this the whole time.

OK.

She's gonna die.

Oh, I mean that's hilarious.

That sounds like you're gonna have a really fun time.

Yeah, we are!

Put it on.

Oh, no, I'm OK.

I'll put it on.

Put the dicks on your head.

No.

I, I don't want...

She's an officer, she's not gonna wear dicks.

I don't wanna put the dicks on.

I don't think she's the kind of girl that wears those.

No, it's fine.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't think you are, though.

OK.

Well, I'll prove you wrong by putting these glittery dicks on my head.


(They laugh)


You actually suit them.


(They laugh)


Really glad I did this, actually.

Why've you got that on?

I don't know.

Great.

Andy, can I have a word?

Yeah.

I'm sure agent Hassler can handle this.

Absolutely, I can handle this.

Under control.

Do you want me to send Tariq in?

My best bro?

Yeah, you can send him in.

You ladies, you're going to love this guy.

He's a DJ.

At the airport?

Yeah.

How does that work?

I don't know.

If you just wanna take a seat and I'll make you a wee cup of tea.

Agent Brodie has been processing his detainee for an impressive two hours and now continues in the office break room, which is unusual.

There's your tea there, PG Tips.

Do you have PG Tips where you come from?

No, all tea in Ukraine is made from potatoes.

Oh, right.

I see what you did there, that was a joke.

Yeah.

When I go back over to my desk over there, I'll have to write "beautiful and funny" on the form.

You're...

You're getting red.

I'm getting my...

Aye, I have a bit of a ruddy disposition.

Well, I snort when I laugh.

Really?

Yes.

Yeah.

Tell me a joke.

All right, OK.

Why are there no black men on the moon?

I don't know.

Because there's no white women up there.

Sorry, I...

I don't think that's funny.

Sorry, yeah.

I can imagine that was a bit inappropriate.

You see, I was down the pub last night and my friend Mackie told that joke - he's a black guy - but when he says it it sounds...

Well, he...

Well, everybody laughed.

When I just said it there, that...

No, it just sounded r*cist.

Just a little bit.

Uh, yeah.

Oh, I've got another one.

Uh, right, right.

There's, um...

OK, there's a vicar, an astronaut and a Chinaman - sorry, an oriental chap - uh, walk into a pub...

I'm at work, Fergus, remember that?

I go to work.

No, she doesn't need an intervention.

Chief Inspector Proctor is finding her day increasingly challenging, as she deals with a panicked phone call from her husband, who's deeply concerned about their daughter.

Because we're talking about biscuits, Fergus, not bloody cr*ck cocaine, they're Hobnobs.

We're not the first people in the universe to have a fat daughter.

Fine.

Bye.

Do you see what I mean?

The detained hen party is still a potential liability, as they are yet to sober up.

With agent Hassler somewhat out of his depth, help arrives in the form of agent Tariq Mansoor.

Hey, man.

DJ Tariq in the house.

Here he is.

Hi, guys.

I'm Tariq.

Tariq.

Hi.

So, how has Clive been treating you ladies?

OK, I guess.

Tariq, this is Stacy and Celeste.

One of them is too drunk to fly.

Guess which one?

Oh, I, ooh, let me use my training.

It's obviously yourself.

It was me, I tricked you.

I got it straightaway.

Cool, so how may I assist you?

Agents Hassler and Mansoor have kept this potentially volatile situation under control, a perfect example of how the agents remained focused and professional at all times, essential in a busy of fice like this one.

However, with such demanding and stressful work, it's equally important to take some time out to relax.

Is that not smooth?

Like, cos...

It's not very smooth, no.

Because it's a romantic kind of language, isn't it?

Where did you pick it up?

I've seen a lot of Goodfellas and Scorsese films, and, I mean, they're American.

Do the accent.

It's...

BAD ITALIAN ACCENT: Arrivederci.

Oh, OK.

That's...

that is bad.

That's why I did it once and...

Goes down pretty well.

Doesn't it get boring after like 600 times?

Yes.

Yeah, of course it does.

Yeah, but you, uh...

It's not a...

HEY!

Oh, my God.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Are we still playing hide and seek?

Yes, but we can see you.

Oh.

Don't...

Turn around.

But before they know it, break time's over.

All too soon, it's back to work.

Well, we can't play here now, gimme five minutes.

In five minutes.

Boo.

God, are you OK?

God, that gave me a fright.

It's an unusual day at Northend.

The goal is a safe and professional office, but agents seem focused on other things.

Chief Inspector Linda Proctor is having a particularly difficult day, but luckily is able to force a willing colleague to be a sympathetic listener.

Do you ever wished you hadn't stopped smoking?

I've never smoked.

Last night...

You've got a boyfriend, right?

No.

Last night, Fergus wanted to have sex with me.

Ah, OK.

I mean, he physically repulses me, physically.

Mm-hm.

He's just so heavy now.

Climbs on top of me like a scared seal trying to get on top of a rock before a k*ller whale eats him.

Except he can't, because he's too f*cking fat.

It's not that idon't love Fergus, it's just a bit like, I remember having a tortoise when I was a kid and, you know, when we first got him, it was really lovely.

Then I asked my mum one day,

"How long do they live?" and she said, "100 years."

I love these deep and meaningful conversations we have.

"Ugh, ugh, ugh!"

Fergus, he sounds just like that.

Pound, pound, pound, pound.

I just lie there and let him pound away.

OK.

So...

Oh, that's locked, right.

OK!

Where are you going?

Just need to...

Thanks for this, it's been great.

Yeah, no worries.

(f*ck.)

As agent Church decides that's enough moral support for one day back in detention with the hens, agents Mansoor and Hassler are also utilising their communication skills.

Some of the beaches are nudist, and I forgot my bikini.

You're gonna have to just buy one when you get there.

You gotta pack smart.

Do you pack smart?

Please, f*ck off.

Ooh, someone's still a little bit tipsy.

Don't worry, sometimes I get a little bit tipsy, as well, if I've had a cocktail.

I don't care.

One time, Tariq showed me this drink -

I think it's called a cement mixer - and what you do is you have some Bailey's and you, but you keep it in your mouth, and then you squirt in some lime juice and it sort of curdles and it goes like a sort of chewing gum, but with off milk, and it actually kind of tastes good once you get over that sort of phlegm, phlegm-like texture.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Really?

Mm.

Oh, God.

Oh, so that's what fun looks like.

It's disgusting.

The day is almost done, and Agent Brodie has almost cleared the Ukrainian traveller.

A true professional, he completed the interview in a record four hours and 52 minutes, and now walks her to her taxi after leaving his post completely.

It's all part of the service.

Do you help everyone with their luggage?

Oh, yeah.

I like to come down here and escort people into their taxis.

Really?

Everyone?

Nope, no.

You got me, I'm...

Never done this before.

I'm glad you did.

Aye.

I'm really sorry about those jokes earlier on.

I need to work on them.

Telling jokes is not my forte.


(She snorts)


Oh, look, There she goes.

A wee snort there.

That's absolutely adorable, really.

Really adorable.

So, I have a really good Ukrainian joke.

How do you know that you're not going to be sad all your life?

Because one day you die.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Can I have your number?

Sorry, what was that?

So I can call you.

Yep, yep.

Sure, yes.

Yes, you can.

You're turning red again.

Aye, probably.

It's been a long day.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

A Frenchman.

Oh, no, wait.

Nope, that's...

I'll give you my number.

Zero...

Nobody's ever asked me for my number before.

It makes things a lot easier.

I paid for her taxi there, it's 20 quid.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

I really like Grant.

I think he's, er...

he's a very nice gentleman.

Very sweet and just confused.

I feel like I've been swept off my feet, but I need to...

Do you know what I mean?

Agent Brodie has cleared his detainee, and made a personal connection, which is lovely - and probably unethical.

Also connecting with passengers, agents Tariq Mansoor and Clive Hassler keep the two hens occupied as they sober up enough to fly.

Can you isolate?

Oh, you can.

I sure can.

You're doing it really well.

What else can you isolate?

My left thumb is, is double-jointed.

So you can kind of - not my right, my other - you can kind of make it look like it's broken or something.

Do you want to feel?

No, mate.

How do you deal with him every day?

He's all right, he's harmless.

You just get used to him.

Get used to what?

What do you mean?

You're annoying.

Yeah, what's wrong with you?

Like, seriously?

Do you not understand how, like, annoying you are?

Whoa-whoa-whoa.

You're so annoying, like, you're grating.

Calm down, it's OK.

He's a twat.

No, he's my mate.

What?

Seriously, he's your mate?

Are you crazy?

Oh, OK.

Look, please remember that you're in custody, and if I were you, I'd start showing agents a bit more respect.

Excuse...

Come on, Clive.

He was all over you.

I know.

Hey, man...

..you really embarrassed yourself in there.

Try not to think about it too much, OK?

Come on.

Yeah, it's a shame because, like, I thought we had something, like a spark, and just because I slagged off his Ret*rded friend, I don't know why he, like, went apeshit at me, like.

That was a bit left-field.

I'm just going to be at my desk if you need me, OK?

All right, see you.

♪ The grand old Duke of York ♪
♪ Had 10,000 men ♪
♪ Marched them up to the top of the hill... ♪

Are you all right?

Ah, should have took Grant in there.

♪ Then he marched them down again. ♪

Proctor has had a tough day, but it's been worth it.

If only to find a new ally in the workplace.

So, I've been spending a lot more time with Andy and it's been just really, really nice.

Because there aren't that many women in this line of work and it's just really nice to hang out with somebody who you can share opinions with, and struggles with and, we're just always laughing.

Like, we just really make each other laugh.

Jigsaw?

God, I love jigsaws!

Do you mind if I join you?

Agent Mansoor has cleared the hen party.

He now debriefs agent Church, as they both finalise the case's paperwork together.

A job that requires attention and focus.

Which Spice Girl did you like most?

It should come immediate, it should be an immediate answer.

Scary.

Scary?

She's the worst one.

How worst?

She was gorgeous.

But if you...


(Banging)


Oh, wow.

Wow!

You guys are bad at that game.

We are so bad at that game.

Oh, man.

We didn't know where you were.

That's the game!

Hide.

Seek.

No, we did, we did seek.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just didn't know where you were.

The break room, we had covered.

We looked in the break room.

Proctor's office.

'What do I think about Tariq flirting with that girl?'

Um...

Well, firstly, I didn't realise what that was was flirting.

Um, no, it's...

I mean, it's fine, yeah.

He can do that.

It's a bit of a strange choice.

I suppose he is just having fun.

I should try it.

Next time I get invited to something I'd normally say no to, I'll say yes.

Even if it is just to avoid getting stuck with Proctor.

So, how'd things go with your new girlfriend?

We're not gonna make it.

Oh, that's a shame.

How was your day?

Yep, fine.

What are you doing now, cos I'm gonna go to the Rose and Crown, if you wanna come?

It's quiz night.

All right, so you need me on your quiz team.

Uh-huh.

That does actually sound really fun.

Did I just hear you say you're going to the Rose and Crown?

Yeah, that's what we said.

Great!

Cos im staying there tonight instead of going home, so looks like we're all having a drink together.

This morning, Proctor gave a talk all about team work.

And then today, Tariq, he had my back in there, you know.

He's, uh...

We are a team.

He's my, he's my partner and, well, I guess I'm off, I'm off to go meet my partner for a drink.

But first I gotta clean the sick out of this bin.

You wait till I'm half a bottle of Prosecco in.

Woo, lady petrol!

Just give me a second to get my things.

(Lady petrol?)

OK, last one to the bar's a big fat poof.

OK, that's...

♪ No doubt about it ♪
♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ Taking over ♪
♪ I'm here to stay-ay-ay ♪
♪ One day you'll be looking ♪
♪ But things'll come my way ♪
♪ Don't drop, don't tell me to stop ♪
♪ Cos I'll be taking over today ♪
♪ I'm taking over this whole place ♪
♪ I'm on my way to outer space... ♪