01x06 - Goodbyes

♪ I'm on my way ♪
♪ I'm taking over ♪
♪ I'm here to stay ♪
♪ What day are you looking? ♪
♪ Why did you come my way? ♪
♪ Don't drop, don't tell me to stop ♪
♪ Cos I'll be taking over today ♪
♪ I'm taking over this whole case ♪
♪ I'm on my way to outer space ♪
♪ Don't drop, don't tell me to stop ♪

Northend Airport's Borderline team remains vigilant against threats to the UK, such as men, women and children.

To ensure security at passport control, a strict no-photographs policy is enforced.

I'm going to get more likes on Instagram.

It's the end of the week, and agent Clive Hassler has something important to tell Chief Inspector Linda Proctor.

(He sighs)

You OK?

Just get on with it.

I'm leaving Borderline.

I'm sorry?

I start with the Police Force in a month.


You? The real police?

I already took the exam! And I passed.

Well, well, good for you, Clive.


I finally nailed the trickiest part, effective communication.

I, uh, I don't know how to say this.

Effective communication is easy. It turns out all it is is you just make eye contact when you talk to them, which I can totally do.

So it's like, it's, watch.

I... I see myself as a bridge between two previously warring nations.

On one side, uh... is... uh, the police.

OK? And on the other side?


See? It's a bridge.

Uh, yeah, that's...

At this morning's briefing, however, agent Hassler's big news will have to wait as Proctor deals with some official business first.

Once again, passengers have been taking photographs while waiting at the border and, now, this has happened.

In this picture it looks as though I'm kicking an Arabic gentleman out of the country, whereas, in reality, I was directing him towards the toilet.

Apparently Twitter's having a field day. What's the hashtag on that?

Yeah, that's not relevant.

Uh, found it it's #borderlineracist.

OK, that's not the point, the main thing is that we clamp down on photographs at the border so this doesn't happen to you.

Oh, you're all over Twitter.

People have photo-shopped you to look like all sorts of people.

Nigel Farage, Nigel Farage again, well, a lot of ones where you look like Nigel Farage.

OK, can we put the phones away now, please?

Your picture's been tweeted by Nigel Farage. Devices away.

I have another announcement.

One of our best agents, Clive Hassler, has decided to leave Borderline.

He's been accepted onto the Police Force, and he'll be joining them later this month.

What, Clive?



The real police?

Look guys, I don't want to be treated any differently, even though I could arrest you.

I can't yet, but I have prepared something that I'd like to say at this time.

(He clears his throat)

When I first joined Borderline...

Your picture's been retweeted by Jeremy Clarkson. Oh, f*ck me.

Did I think that I would make good friends?


Will I miss everyone here?

Yes. Will I...?

Voice over: It may be a big day for agent Hassler, but for the other agents, it's just another normal morning at the office.

You left these.

What was that? What was what?

What did you just give to Andy?

Erm, he was just giving me back my earrings.

She dropped them over there, so...

Something between Tariq and Andy?




Just a little something to say goodbye.

Thanks, Clive, but we should be getting you something.

Nah, nah, nah, it's just a little token of my, well, it's a thank you for being a friend.

Oh, what is it?

I bought you five shares in Reckitt Benckiser.

It's a household... Oh, sorry, you know who they are.

It's up 7% since yesterday.

Oh, well that's very sweet.

Don't invest in the market, invest in your future.


You're welcome. Uh... Tariq?

I don't need a gift, Clive.

Well, good, cos I didn't get you one!

It's just a...

It's just a letter and it's stupid and you don't have to read it now.

VO: Agent Hassler isn't the only one struggling with goodbyes.

A few weeks ago, the arrival of Ukrainian passenger Dasha Panchenko left a lasting impression on agent Grant Brody.

Now it's time for him to come to terms with her return home.

I didn't realise it would be this hard, you know?

Her visa's only for two weeks...

It's not really enough time to... to do much, you know?

Well, the rules are the rules and we must abide by the rules.

I got you a gift.

(She gasps)

It's, erm, it's a CD, it's the best band ever, it's Oasis..

I don't have a CD player.

Oh, really?

Sometimes I just take my wealth for granted, I should've thought.

Oh, no, it's not that, I got rid of my CD player, along with Walkman years ago.

Maybe my grandmother still has one?

It's just that when I think of the Ukraine, as like I think of like men running about with accordions and three-legged dogs and, oh, look, there he goes.

It's not like that, at all.

No. Maybe you should visit and see?

Aye, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I should do that, shouldn't I?

There's this place you can go called Cakes and Kittens, and you drink, you drink tea and you, you eat cakes and then you play with these kittens, and...

Yeah, she would like that.

It's not the sort of place I could really go on my own, is it? Like...

Did I think that I would protect the country? Yes.

Did I think that I would make good friends? Yes.

Did I think that I, that the friends I made would be such good friends?


So that, the third one, I didn't expect.


Sorry, I lost my place.

(He makes clicking sounds)


Did I think... Sorry, there's so many rhetorical questions in it that it's hard to keep track.


Yes. Yes, sir. Can I...?

I mean, it's quite funny really...

No, I know it's not funny.

VO: As the day wears on, Chief Inspector Proctor's Twitter popularity continues to grow and now the Home Office has called to discuss how successfully she's trending.

Yes, sir, yes, everything will be fine.

(She sighs)

Hey, yo Procs! We want to talk, man.

sh1t. What is this?

I was showing him to the loo.

No, you weren't.

Yes, I was. No, you weren't.

I was showing him to the loo.

Yeah, but in what country?

Oh, look, just get out of my office!

Ah, yeah, there we go.

Makes sense, don't it?

She's doing it right now.

What? You can't point any more?

People can't point?

Pointing makes you a racist, does it?

Yeah, you are. You are, yeah.

Just, just, please leave me alone.

Hey, so, what do you want to do tonight?

I was thinking we could go to the Rose and Crown, about eight, end up at the Swan, then back at mine, bit of Netflix, and a bit of..

I'm just going to stay in tonight.



I should go. Got this lady who's been in holding for like two hours, I totally forgot she was there.

I can help.

No, I'm OK.

Did something happen?

Well, I don't want to talk about it, because he's a friend.

Yeah, cos he's my friend.

It's actually a nice day. You should, you should shoot that.

Look at that, that sky there. Bye.

VO: Despite the mounting outside pressure on Chief Inspector Proctor, she soldiers on and brings the team in for scheduled training to keep them occupied and focused, although agent Brody is curiously absent.

OK, so while we're still waiting for Grant, why don't we recap on yesterday's Spanish, OK?


All: Donde. Esta.

All: Esta. Bi-da appli-cation?

All: Bi-da... appli-cation.

Very good. Andy.

Visa appli-cation.

Very good, very good, now we'll move onto Italian, which is almost the same...


All: Do-vay.


All: La.

Visa appli-catsi-one?

All: Visa appli-catsi-one?

Very good.

Sounds like, it just sounds like you're saying "visa application" in the accent of the country.

Visa appli-catheon.

Yeah, that's Castillian.

OK so, erm, Japanese. Erm...

It's invaluable training, greatly appreciated by all the agents.

Today, at North End Airport, agent Clive Hassler has announced that he'll be leaving Borderline, and joining the Police Force.

In light of such a dramatic decision, he wants to ensure he's able to say goodbye properly.

Clive: And I'll never be able to...

I'll never be able to repay you for everything that you've done for me.

(He mumbles)

Can't hear you.

(He cries and mumbles)

VO: Chief Inspector Proctor is a little preoccupied when Agent Hassler arrives to say his personal goodbyes.

Clive: Hey, Chief, can I have a word?

My picture's been retweeted 50,000 times.

Tried to call Twitter. Turns out they don't have a phone.


This job is a trap.

If you do it well, people hate you.

If you do it poorly, people hate you.

Whatever happens, someone hates you.

Well, I don't hate you, so...

I got you this. Gordon's finest?

Ah, that's great.

Hey, we should have a toast to you, Agent Hassler.

Now come on, come on, it's not every day your best agent gets accepted onto the boys in blue.

We can have just one.

To Borderline. To Borderline.


Oh, come in, come in, sit down.

Oh, well, there's no seats...

We're having a, a little celebration. OK...

There we go.

Great. There.

No, I'm OK, thanks...

So, Andy, what fresh hell have you brought to my door now?

Yeah, a weird thing's just happened, the Home Office have rung me, they wanted to let you know that your picture's made the news.

Oh, goody! They did try and call you, but they couldn't get through.

Oh, yeah, I know why, that's cos my phone's broken.

Ah, really?

Let's... Yeah.

It's really broken, look. Can't get a ring tone or anything.

No, it's just unplugged. No, no, no, no, it, it's broken.

What do you think, Clive?

Is it broken?

It's so much easier when you're friends first.

My flatmates have met her and they love her to bits.

Great, just really, really great, so.. we're good. Really good.

Agent Hassler isn't the only one saying farewell.

Agent Grant Brody has personally escorted Dasha Pachenko on to the tarmac for a private goodbye between just the two of them.

And Agent Hassler.

Clive: Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Having an emotional goodbye?

Yeah, it's a pretty sad day.

Tell me about it. So many people to say goodbye to.

Get to the point, Clive.

I, I got you this.

Oh, you didn't need to get me a gift. I wanted to.

It's a... oh, a webcam.

Yeah, er, it's so that you can chat after she's gone.

Aw. Oh Clive, you're a funny, strange wee bugger, but a really kind one.

(They laugh awkwardly)

Dasha, I didn't get you anything. Bye.

VO: During a quiet period, gent Church takes a moment to check in on the Twitter storm that Chief Inspector Proctor is currently weathering.

What's going on?

Just avoiding work.

You're being weird.

Not being weird. You are.

What's wrong?

You live with five flatmates.

So? You're almost 30, and you have a poster of The Fast and The Furious on your wall.

I could take it down.

No, I'm not asking you to.

Like last night, I had to walk through your flatmate Sam's room to... use the bathroom.

He really doesn't care, he sleeps a lot...

No, no, you're not getting it.

You know maybe, I would've been into this at Uni, but now, I have a job, I shouldn't be sleeping on a futon with a guy from work just because, not just a guy from work obviously, but... it's, you're more...

It's been a difficult day, not least for Chief Inspector Proctor, who's struggling to adapt to her new-found online fame.

Luckily, Agent Church arrives with a welcome distraction.


You OK?

These have come for you.

Have you checked them for anthrax?

I wouldn't worry, it makes the flowers last longer.

Oh, from Nigel Farage.

How thoughtful.

"To my darling, beautiful, hardworking wife, Sorry you've had such a horrible day. Your lucky husband, Fergus."

That's really sweet.


One for Phil...

VO: As Agent Hassler delivers the last of his farewell notes, Agent Mansoor arrives to show his appreciation.

Hey, man. Hey, man.

Just read this.

It's really nice.

(Clive laughs nervously)

Er... you're welcome.

Are you OK?

Yeah, just had a bad day, so...

If Andy and Tariq get married, then I should come, because I am actually the one who, er, introduced them.

Cos on, uh, Andy's first day, I was the one who said, "Andy, this is Tariq."

So, I should be there.

I mean, I'll definitely get invited.


Hey, I'll make you a promise - when I become a policeman, I won't hit on Andy.

Thanks, man.

It's going to be tough for her, though.

Cos I'll be so strong...

Come on, man.

Cos they train you up.

I think they have a special gym... like a police gym...


...where policemen get strong.

Free weights, like police weights.


Machines that like simulate, er, like physical, like running, but it's just all so that you can get all strong... and women like it when you're strong.

VO: Meanwhile, Agent Brody sits and reflects on Dasha's departure for the Ukraine.

According to the Visa laws, she can't re-enter the country for another three months, which is, er... frustrating.

But, like my wee mum said, what's meant for you won't go by you, so...

I think she'll, she'll come back, eh?

(He sighs)

As Agent Brody tries to remain positive, agents Church and Mansoor are also a little subdued as they prepare to leave for the evening.

OK, guys, have a great weekend.

You, too. You, too. Yeah.

Hey, you ready to go? Yeah.

Hey, Andy. Hey. You all right?

Come on.

Is that Tariq's girlfriend?

Looks like it. Oh, that's why he's been so happy lately.

Ah, love. Yeah.

Fancy a cheeky drink at the Rose and Crown?

No, I'm going to go home.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Cool.

As the weary agents head home after another hard day, they look back and reflect on an incredible few weeks at North End Airport.

With good times... and bad.


You look like a vicar.

With familiar faces...

Is it cool to be a king?


...and new ones.

It's disgusting.

From the brave...

We have an actual asylum seeker. Knew you weren't Swiss.

...to the... others.

With fun...

Ow. You're it.

...and games.

With difficult moments...

It's about what you do! Grow up!

...and happy ones. It's my birthday.

Welcome to the UK.

For our team of agents, Linda Proctor, Andy Church, Tariq Mansoor, and Grant Brody, no matter how stressful things can get in the office... it's just another day on the Borderline.

But for one agent, times are changing.

Today marks the start of Clive Hassler's departure from the team.

Having said his goodbyes, it's time to move on.

Still working! Sorry! Sorry!

Sorry. I'm, I'm leaving. I'm becoming a policeman.

It's a big deal for me.

Think I'll be walking over town.

Just trying to leave.