01x02 - Where's My Mind

[bunniefuu]

TICK: The heroic moment, that pointy fulcrum in time - that either breaks your seesaw inhalf, - [panting]

or puts your ride on the playground of justice for good.

[gasps]

The moment you first grok the dangers that lie ahead and take a stand - against evil.

- Huh.

Get him on his feet.

Lock this down.

- No one in or out.

- [grunts]

ARTHUR: Oh, my God.

You sh*t me.

[grunts]

You can't just sh**t a person!

Twice!

But look how the b*ll*ts flatten against the suit you stole.

I didn't take the suit, he did.

- Who?

- He sa-said it was gonna fit me and then he jumped out the window, but then I didn't do anything for a while.

- I was just - Who?

Who jumped out the window?

- Him!

- [clattering]

Unhand that precious balloon of hope.

TICK: Arthur.

You put on the suit.

You're the one that blew up my operation and my men.

I'm pretty sure it was all that reckless g*nf*re that blew up your operation.

Yeah, it's like b*llet Christmas with you people.

What are you?

I am the wild blue yonder.

Villain, you face The Tick.

- Mmm.

- Huh.

Angry lightning lady.

The name is Miss Lint.

[laughs]

I don't get it.

- You get this?

- [electrical crackling]

[screams]

Great white taser tots.

[Tick screams]

Why won't you die?

I don't wanna!

[Miss Lint grunts]

[electrical crackling, thugs groan]

And that's why you can't have nice things.

[Tick groans]

Watch out!

She sh**t glass eyes.

Let's get you somewhere safe, chum.

What?

No, no, no, no, no!

[screams]

[thud, car alarm wails]

WOMAN [shouts]

: Turn that off!

[gasps]

[alarm continues wailing]

[alarm stops]

Okay.

- [alarm chirps]

- Oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t, oh, sh*t.

- [Arthur whimpers]

- [whimpering, panting]

[high-tech whir]

[electronic beeping]

[exhales]

Okay.

- Here we are.

- [gasps]

I told you that outfit was a winner.

Two b*ll*ts point-blank and high voltage, plus a three-story drop and look at you.

You're as alive as a daisy.

[sighs]

[electrical crackle]

[door opens and closes]

Ramses wants to see you.

And I quit.

[phone beeps]

I'm on my way.

Every time I want to, I call you No need to control myself And I wanted you to know Yeah, that, darling, if you're lonely You know what you gotta do Yeah, all you gotta do is call [grunts]

Yeah, 'cause whenever you need me You know that I'd be there You're my best friend.

BECK: Yo, Stick.

Don't call me "Stick.

" I'm being mean.

We're on the oval right now.

It's being mean time.

We're on the same team, it's practice.

Yeah, practicing being mean.

Girl, where your game at?

It's my brother.

He's not answering my calls.

He usually responds to a text, but he's not.

Look, Dot.

I know you had to bail your brother out last night, right?

Wait.

Correction.

You bailed on taking your big midterm last night, and then you drove across the river, and then you bailed your brother out.

Technically, I didn't have to bail him out.

They just signed him over.

Even they could tell he's a basket case.

ARTHUR: There are so many dead bodies in my apartment.

What were you doing bringing Miss Lint and-and the entire Pyramid g*ng down on my head like that?

Oh, I'd love to take the credit, Arthur, but that was all you.

You did all the legwork, followed the leads, and struck villain gold.

- [Tick sighs]

- What?

Have you ever seen a more beautiful alley?

[sighs]

Did you, uh You look kind of, uh, different.

Thanks.

[scoff]

You know, you stole their suit and practically tricked me into wearing it.

What were you thinking, Tick?

Oh, I always let destiny do the melon work, friend.

Thought it not my area of expertise.

Goodness, no.

[laughs]

Now, what's the plan?

- What?

- The plan.

When you didn't circle back to the fray, I figured you must be pulling some kind of finesse move.

Well, I'm all ears.

Give me the skinny.

I don't have a skinny.

Okay, what am I doing?

What have I done?

You just had your first super-villain battle, and you look great.

Okay.

I, um I'm wearing their suit.

Not their suit, your suit.

No.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

[TV plays indistinctly nearby]

BOY [on TV] : Whoa, what is that?

BOY 2: I don't know.

You should try it.

BOY 1: I'm not gonna try it.

You try it.

[wind whistles]

- Hey, kids.

- BOTH: Wow.

- It's Superian!

- It's Superian!

Not everything that glows gives you superpowers.

And no, that glowing ooze is not magic.

It's probably unstable industrial effluents, or unnatural secretions.

Or how about plain old-fashioned radioactive?

[gasps]

It's probably giving you cancer.

- Ponchos.

- Shh.

- Seems an odd turn.

- Shh.

Just looking for the strategic value of helping this establishment to restock - Shh.

- [quietly] : its ponchos.

[on TV] : The city warehouse district was rocked this morning by a massive expl*si*n.

Oh, Arthur.

Grand theft poncho.

Tick, I need to cover this suit immediately.

But we can't be party to a pilfering.

It's not pilfering, it's paying later.

Hey.

You are stealing?

No.

This Look, we are not here to cause any trouble.

What do you mean, "we"?

- I need to borrow this poncho.

- What?

- For, like, half an hour?

- You cannot borrow a poncho.

- Please.

Let me.

- This is not a poncho library.

- I'm opening the poncho.

- Do not open the poncho.

I'm going to call the police.

- Oh, the police?

- I'm going to speed-dial the police.

You pay organized crime weekly to protect your store and you say nothing.

At least the organized crime is organized.

This is chaos.

- This is chaos.

- Do not open the poncho.

- I'm calling them now.

- [Arthur laughs]

- [laughs]

Oh, do not Please, don't.

- [line ringing]

[pants]

Okay.

They're never gonna stop coming after the suit, but maybe I can give it back to them.

Give it back?

To crime?

Are you insane?

Oh, sh*t.

- [electrical crackle]

- sh*t.

Hello, Lint.

What's with the Hazmat guys?

What's with all the failure?

This isn't my fault.

Someone put heroes on the trail of that shipment and I took the hit.

What do you want with all that sh*t anyway, Ramses?

You don't know the first thing about super-tech.

You know I think my issue with you is you're just not a team player.

I mean, everyone else in the g*ng got the tattoo, but not you.

No, not your crew.

Jesus.

The tattoo again.

Yes, the tattoo again.

Kind of got my own eye thing going on.

Yeah, nobody missed that.

It's like you're looking at me with bacon.

I will never understand your obsession with all this ancient Egyptian bullshit.

Ramses IV?

You're from f*cking Minnesota.

It is not bullshit, it is branding.

Branding is power.

Do you not get that?

No, I guess you don't get that.

You get your ass handed to you.

I've got six other hitters out there.

I'll get your damn suit back.

I know you think you're better than us, because you were The Terror's number one circus freak.

But he's been dead a long time.

You work for me now.

And if you can't handle your obligations I have options.

[beeps]

- [electrical crackle]

- [groans]

sh*t.

You all right?

Yeah.

- [crackle]

- sh*t.

Just having a little grounding issue.

Oh, well, f*ck off.

TICK: Tell me up is down.

Tell me left is tidy.

That makes more sense than this.

They may k*ll me, but they might not.

It's my best sh*t I think.

[sighs]

So, you're willing to outright steal a poncho from the workingman, yet you won't keep a super-snazzy supersuit with wings and goggles and armor and everything, even when it doesn't belong to the g*ng we're fighting?

Tick, I'm not a hero.

I don't think that heroes solve anything.

Heroes solve villains.

This is civilization.

We have agencies that do that.

Tick, look, I would The Terror is still alive and people need to know that.

I was trying to prove that, and that's it.

The Terror took something from you didn't he, Arthur?

Yeah.

We got to pick up the rig in an hour.

You want to get some lunch?

No, you go ahead.

I'll meet you at dispatch.

Okay.

Hey, Dottie.

Stosh, I'll have the rent to you on the third like I said.

We're still collecting club dues this week.

Great, but not what I need.

Could use your help in the back.

Jesus.

What is this?

- STOSH: Pyramid.

- Uh-huh.

Had themselves a misadventure on the wharf last night.

I need my little backup stitcher.

Hey, I am not your backup anything.

You get that, right?

I get that.

Possessive pronoun, my mistake.

Do this for me, no club dues this month.

THUG: Everything we had, it just it just bounced off the bastard.

[chuckles] : Like a big blue t*nk!

DOT: Hey.

Hey.

Follow the light with your eyes.

- [groans]

- Okay?

The Terror took all of my favorite superheroes, and dropped them right onto my dad.

One second he was there, and then the next second he wasn't.

Your beloved progenitor m*rder*d by your nemesis, right in front of your tiny little boy face?

Yeah.

The world owes you a hug, small soldier, and I'm the one that's gonna give it.

- Uh, no.

- Oh, yes!

- Tick - [Tick groans loudly]

- Okay, Tick.

- That's it.

This is the good stuff.

The raw feed!

ARTHUR: I'm breaking a little bit.

TICK: Oh, yeah!

- Just feel the hug.

- Okay.

Let yourself be hugged.

Uh Eh, but that's it.

Hug me back.

- Yeah.

- [groans]

- But it's a little hard.

I - Hug it.

[grunts]

[both panting]

Better?

Yeah, that does feel pretty good.

- Does it?

- [gasps]

Well, don't But thank you, Tick.

You're welcome.

Don't you realize, Arthur, it's all starting to make sense.

This is your life, your saga, your origin story.

Arthur?

Look both ways.

- [tires screeching]

- Hey.

Hey.

Hello?

Hi.

I want to give it back.

The suit.

Please?

You want to what?

He wants to give it back.

I think that's great.

- Hop on in, little guy.

- Okay.

Great, could you please, uh If you could not k*ll me, that would be awesome.

We can call in and ask.

Okay, well, that's something, I guess.

[metal creaking]

[thugs clamoring inside]

[shouting]

ARTHUR: Tick!

Tick!

Tick!

Stop!

I'm giving up!

Okay?

Not to this can of worms.

ARTHUR: Don't.

[metal scraping]

[thugs screaming]

[tires screeching]

Huh.

- [tires screeching]

- You see, chum?

We got crime on the run.

Can't turn back, man.

What the world needs now is us.

Sweet us.

- There is no us.

- There's always been us, silly.

Right from the beginning.

Don't you remember?

TICK: Arthur?

Arthur?

No, no!

I started this.

Okay?

Alone.

I-I opened the jar again, and the crazy came back out.

- It was, it was me.

- DOT: Arthur?

Who are you talking to?

No one.

- Oh, God.

- What?

Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.

DOT: But, Arthur, you see things, remember, sometimes, things that aren't there?

They're there one second, gone the next.

We are not here to cause any trouble.

What do you mean, "we"?

TICK: You know me.

I'm the you you always wanted to be.

My life, nothing's making sense anymore.

[kazoo playing gentle tune]

DOT: Arthur.

What are you wearing?

Poncho.

Are you okay?

You have to call me back.

Didn't you get my messages?

Okay.

Remember the drill?

Right, the drill.

Right, yeah.

The drill.

Normal is what normal does.

Normal takes meds.

Normal returns calls, dresses appropriately for the weather.

Yeah, yeah, I just, I don't think the normal thing is really working right now.

Okay.

Well, we-we called you in a sick day, so just you just need to rest.

You're just riding out a little post-episode paranoia, right on schedule just-just like last time, remember?

It's not like last time, okay?

There's a, there's a giant blue guy and he's trying to fight crime, except he's not real!

Or he's [hyperventilating] : I might be I think I'm Jesus, I'm the blue guy.

I'm the blue guy.

No.

Arthur, you're not fighting anything.

You're just a little unwell.

[thudding footsteps approaching]

Yeah, you're right.

Arthur?

Yeah, I just need to, I need to figure out where my mind is and it's all okay.

You doing all right?

Tick, she can't see you, okay?

I can see him.

Uh, yeah.

What are are you?

I am The Tick.

I am a superhero.

I'll be defending the defenseless in the area henceforth.

Huh.

[cell phone buzzing]

Okay.

Um just Beck?

Uh, yeah, I'll be there in ten minutes.

Telephone call.

So, you're real?

Of course I'm real.

Who's not real?

DOT: I will meet you at dispatch, yes.

Ten minutes, please.

Thank you.

So, uh, Dot, how do you know Arthur?

Excuse me?

Uh, D-Dot-Dot is my sister, actually, so we go way back.

Uh, I do want to thank you for everything, helping me get home safely - Oh.

- And the general protection of the innocent kind of thing, but, unfortunately, this is I got to say good-bye forever now.

This is the end of our thing - and, uh, Dot, I-I - "Good-bye forever"?

I'm feeling much better now, actually, suddenly.

So, I'm just gonna go upstairs, go straight into bed, so I would say you don't even need to worry about me.

You should just go on to your shift and that I'm good.

Are you sure?

Because I can call in if you want me to come up with you.

It's No, no, no, no.

I don't want you to do that.

I want you to I'd say get far away, like a safe distance away.

And I'm just gonna go straight up into bed and I'm g I'm really, I'm very good.

I'm very good, Dot.

So, you're a superhero?

I I'm sorry, I just need a minute.

You got to come original You got to come original - All entertainers come original - [beeping]

You got to come original You got to come original All entertainers Hear why, to come original [grunts]

You got to come full range an' Full range of emotion Full range of styles When you come to town You'll have them comin' for miles and Come original You got to come original All entertainers come original You got to come original You got to come original All entertainers Hear why Black Eyed Peas, they comin' full range and NOFX, they comin' full range and [music fades]

[laughs]

You handled this mission beautifully.

I mean it.

That kick-m*rder party you threw in Lima, perfect diversion.

Those nuns had it coming.

You're, uh better than a Swiffer.

Aren't you, Miss Lint?

That's what the men call you, I'm told, behind your back.

I know what they call me.

Is that why you fried two of my flamethrower guys in the field?

They weren't your best men.

True.

We don't put our best people on the flamethrowers.

But a nickname shouldn't be costing me henchmen.

You want my advice?

You take that dumbass name and make it a strength!

You don't k*ll people 'cause they call you names.

You k*ll people because it's fun.

Got you a little something.

Had my science guys make it up.

Cost a mint.

Tuned specifically to your charge, they should ground you without weakening your att*ck.

I don't know what to say.

You want to learn it all.

I'm gonna teach you.

But first, you need to be able to wear black.

[quietly] : Okay.

You can't let your sister talk you into this normal thing.

Please, just stay away from me, okay?

Stay away from me.

- Oh, come on, chum.

- Chum?

Chum is the meat that they chop up and throw to the sharks.

And also a good, good friend.

What's wrong with you?

What is it?

Are-are you dumb?

Are you brain-injured?

Did you escape from a mental hospital?

What?

What?

I mean, because if you were a real superhero, you wouldn't spend a single moment with me.

I'm a nobody.

I'm a victim.

I'm I'm a bystander in a long line of bystanders.

Arthur, you're hurting our feelings.

I don't have any sort of special destiny, okay?

Oh, but you do, and you're already at stage three.

"The hero rejects the call.

" But destiny is on the line, Arthur, and she's calling collect.

Accept the charges, Arthur.

Accept them.

You're crazy, Tick.

You're the crazy one.

Just leave me alone.

You're crazy.

TICK: The crosshairs of adversity fall on their hapless target.

And even though our valiant fledgling has scored a cool, blue guide with a map and a compass and everything, he still must cross his first threshold alone.

[engine revs]

The story now rests on Arthur.

Arthur and destiny.

[mutters softly]

[car doors opening, closing]

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Uh, I'm sorry about the-the throwing stuff earlier.

I really just want to give the suit back.

Sure.

We know.

Oh, okay.

Great.

THUG: Who the hell are you supposed to be?

[grunting]

[Arthur gasps]

[men grunting]

[grunts]

[body thuds]

[thug cries out in pain]

[deep voice] : Take off the suit.

Wh okay.

[sirens approaching]

It might take a second.

Just 'cause the zipper [groans]

Eat me.

[grunts]

- Get that helmet off.

- ARTHUR: 28th Amendment!

- I'm taking the 28th!

- How's that?

Murphy's Law, the 28th.

I'm t I'm taking the 28th.

Jesus Chr hey, dispatch.

- We, uh - [helicopter blades whirring]

we got a superhero.