02x05 - Magic is Real

[bunniefuu]

ARTHUR: "Joan of Arc cleans up city."

Where are Tick and Arthur?"
(SCOFFS)

"Where are Tick and Arthur?"

We've been in the sewer
for the last two days.

Easy, chum.

A hero is never so tall

as when he stoops to clean out
the underside of the city.

Now, how we doing with DB's map?

Okay, uh, at this point,

there are pretty much
only two places left

where Lobstercules might be.

Lobstercules.

That supposed to be
like "lobster"

and "Hercules" put together?

Yeah. I mean, we think so.

Where did you come from,
fancy man?

Nowhere. Everywhere.

And Baltimore.

Baltimore.

I am the Tick. This is Arthur.

Hi.

Sage, The Supernumerary.

I wield the mystic power of
the ancients 'cause I'm heir

to the Blind Eye of Thirdarra.

Blind.

And staring right at me.

Mm, oh yeah,
Sage the-the Supernumerary.

Yeah-yeah-yeah,
I've heard of you.

You're part of
the-the Righteous Squad, right?

I am. For now, anyway.

We're having
an overpopulation issue.

Team's got 12 permanent members,

plus the B-squad
and the C-squad.

Sounds tight at the HQ.

No joke.

Yeah, so wh... you're here,

trying out for one of those
Flag Five spots?

No comment.

So where y'all getting
that croissant love?

Right behind you, chum.

Whoa.

Oh, yeah. Magic is real.

Yay.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, I know that guy.

Bronze Star,

you magnificent bastard.

I read your book.

Sage, the Super-nipple.

- Oh, man.
- Hey, man.

- All right.
- Come on.

Ah. This place is truly becoming
an heroic hub.

I'm glad you're finally seeing
what AEGIS has to offer, Tick.

Welcome to the Heroes Lounge,

a place where you can relax,
or...

Ah, network with colleagues.

MISS LINT: Great.

Hello, boys.

♪ ♪

Our physical testing process is
mostly non-intrusive.

And once you're approved,
you'll get to...

Breathe, chum. Breathe.

What is she even doing here?

I don't know.
Registering for AEGIS.

Or simply take a break at our
world-class refreshments

and coffee bar.

Our croissants are
particularly good.

What? No, no. No.

No tiny butter for you.

Arthur,
do we have a-a problem here?

- Yes.
- Take it easy, chum.

Yes. We do have a problem, okay.

She-She is hiding behind
that mask.

- Do you know who she really is?
- Ah-ah, uh-uh.

We do not reveal our fellow
heroes' secret identities here.

That's against AEGIS policy.

You don't want to break any of
our hero rules, do you?

Come on, Arthur. Focus.

We're on the trail
of a lobstrosity.

You're right. Tick is right.

We don't have time for this.

We have more important things
to do.

Mm-hmm.

I do apologize.

(SIGHS) Come on, Tick, let's go.

DANGERBOAT: Initiating
brain scan, please stand by.

And congratulations to us all
on a great mission.

Thanks, DB.

DANGERBOAT: Cheers.

OVERKILL: DB's right.

The mission didn't suck.

You'll get hooked on it.
I can tell.

You're tweaked like that.

Tweaked.

People who are all there don't
do this kind of thing by choice.

But you, you're a natural.

We should talk about
your superpower, though.

Superpower?

I'm a Category One.

Stronger, faster,
accelerated healing.

I've been around superhumans

since AEGIS pulled me out
of the orphanage.

I know what a superpower
looks like.

I dodged that b*llet, didn't I?

- You dodged that b*llet.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)

But you didn't just move fast.

You did something else.

I thought he got me, at first.

I mean, like,
I heard the g*n go off.

It didn't happen,
but I knew that it would,

so I just... moved.

Sounds like Category Four,
minimum.

No, that's crazy.

Welcome to the club.

First rule of the club
is shut up.

DANGERBOAT: Okay, guys, I have
an initial scan completed.

I'm definitely detecting
super-tech.

It's a neural implant.

It appears to damper
consciousness

while selectively inhibiting
the brain's motor centers.

So that's what's telling him
to act like a floor lamp.

Basically, yes.

Are you getting any readings
off it?

Something we can track
to The Duke?

DANGERBOAT:
Yes. We will need to remove it

from the surrounding tissue

before it can be fully analyzed.

You mean brain surgery?

Well, it's currently surrounded
by a brain, so...

(LAUGHS) Okay, that's it.

What are you doing?

- We have to talk to him at least.
- What? No!

Why the hell'd you do that?

We don't even know who he is.

We don't need to.

Hello?

It's gonna be okay.

Can you tell us your name?

Is it...

Is it Ted?

Works for me.

Hey, Ted.

Hey.

ARTHUR: (SIGHS)
This is taking forever

and I don't even know
if we're on the right track.

Ah, don't lose faith in your
magic moccasin theory, chum.

It's a winner.

Let's focus on today's nemesis.

He's black and white
and red all over.

- We're just getting started.
- (GUTTURAL TRILLING NEARBY)

and now all these new heroes

are coming into town.

It's gonna be a bunch of
incredible superhumans,

and then... me.

You mean us, chum.

We're a team.

Yeah, no,
you're a Category Four.

You're super strong
and nigh-invulnerable.

I'm just very, very vulnerable.

But that's where the team part
comes in.

If you want to join
The Flag Five,

teamwork is gonna be just
the ticket.

Yeah, but they're all,
you know, superpowered.

So what? You've got a snazzy
supersuit stuffed with pluck.

(EXHALES) And who knows,
maybe your very vulnerability

might be your greatest strength.

That doesn't sound very good.

(GUTTURAL TRILLING)

(CHITTERING, GROWLING)

(SEAGULLS CALLING,
BARGE HORN BLARING)

Month after month,
I-it's like the only idea

your brain can hold on to is,
like,

"I'm a lamp."

Like, "I'm a lamp." You know?

Like, "I'm a lamp," man.
"I'm a lamp."

Moral of that story is
be careful

which Eastern European
youth hostel you choose.

(EXHALES)

Whoa. It feels so weird
to be forming words again.

(SMACKS MOUTH)

I really appreciate you guys
saving me. Thank you.

Ted, we want to capture the man
who's responsible for this

and stop it
from happening to other people.

Will you help us to do that?

Definitely.
I'll do whatever it takes.

I'm not a lamp!

DANGERBOAT: We will be back
in The City in about 20 minutes.

We don't have the equipment
on board to extract the implant.

We're going
to need a serious tech expert.

I'm thinking of a certain
ex-rocket scientist

who's not too far away and isn't
afraid to get their hands dirty.

Black Market Bob.

- Black Market Bob.
- Black Market Bob?

If Bob can't do it, no one can.

But I'll need to go there
on my own... me and Ted.

- (TED LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY)
- You think I'm paranoid.

Bob makes me look
like a free-loving hippie.

Well, that sounds fun.

DANGERBOAT:
Turning off scramblers now.

Making the call.

Feel free
to check your cell phones.

(PHONES BUZZING)

Oh, my God,

my mom's been blowing up
my phone for the last day.

How long is this Black Market
person thing gonna take?

We'll reconvene back here
in exactly 27 hours.

And... mark.

Or you could just text me.

- Yeah, sure.
- Okay.

My guest tonight is the man

at the center
of this controversy... Superian.

- So, Superian...
- Hi, Graham.

You're here tonight
to share with us... what?

I suppose I'm here
to clear the air.

Kind of how I cleared the air
of all those meteors

falling on Chile a few years
ago. Do you remember that?

You remember how much
we all... enjoyed that?

Chile does.

They still have a parade.

Superian, Devil's Tower...
Any regrets?

Look, if I could
go back in time,

and have this all
to do over again...

And I'm pretty sure I can,
I've just never tried...

I would... (SIGHS)

The point is, I did what I did

in order to show you all
how I feel about you.

I'm here to cradle your species.

Along with a general outcry,

many people have put forth

various aesthetic objections.

Your portrayal of humanity,
for example...

Well, now, look,
I was... I was...

I was finishing up
the humanity part

when the Parks Department
starts... (BUZZES)

buzzing me.

And I would love
to get back in there

and, you know, fix you all up.

But there is
a certain government

that does not want me
to do that.

So, then, you didn't intend
to depict us

as a mortally-wounded
gingerbread man?

I didn't intend

for you to be a big dumb old
gray-haired assface.

We can cut that, right?

I think... what some of us
are responding to is

the transgressive nature
of your so-called statement.

In short, that you owe us all
an explanation.

This was the explanation.

This was my grand gesture,
my gift to you.

Look, The Terror was alive
all these years.

I get it. I messed up.
But we got him.

And I'm still all-powerful,

and I am here to cradle you
lovingly!

Well, he's definitely
less boring.

SUPERIAN: That's it, Graham.

Oh, and get a backdrop.
You're not in space.

- Hey... it's Frank.
- He is not in space everybody!

Boss. Edgelord.

Where the hell did you go
yesterday?

I had to get the event
on camera.

The event? Why?

Because social media.

It's part of the plan.
We're crafting an image.

Oh, come on, Frank.

No hard feelings.

You know what?
Yes. Yes, hard feelings.

I had to prove that Joan of Arc
isn't Miss Lint.

I had to take out Lint's people.

Don't you mean your people?

I let you all get away.

You zapped Albert so hard,
he lost Tuesday.

- Hmm?
- Like as a concept.

Worth it.

- Look.
- What's this?

It's an AEGIS card.

Joan of Arc is officially
registered. (LAUGHS)

What are you, high?
You signed up at AEGIS?

- It's part of the plan.
- I thought the plan

was to take down the crime
in The City

so you could be the crime
in The City.

Yeah, and if I have to be a hero
to do that,

why not take down both rackets
at once?

If she lands a slot
on The Flag Five,

she'll have unlimited access
to the team's headquarters.

(LAUGHS) The-The Flag Five?

Yeah, I broke in there once.

It's an excellent piece
of real estate.

What? No,
you can't be on The Flag Five.

Don't be so pessimistic.

- Frank's concerns are valid.
- Thank you.

You'll need to up your game

if you want
to win a Flag Five spot.

And that means going after
a super-villain.

Boss, no.

Well...

there is one in The City.

And I just might know
where to find him.

Hmm.

This thing has playback, right?

Hells yeah.

Records everything you see.

ARTHUR: Okay, there should be
a cistern right up ahead here.

TICK: All right!

(QUIETLY):
No. Tick, quiet, okay?

I think this might be the one.

Every step brings us closer

to a confrontation
with a monster.

Shh. (SCREAMS)

TICK: Who goes there?

Friend or fiend?

- Hey, guys.
- TICK: Oh, hey!

- (ARTHUR SIGHS)
- It's Bronze Star

- and Supernipple.
- Supernumerary.

Did you track us
using your mystical senses?

That and I took a look
at your map this morning.

- You looked at my map?
- Figured you two could use a hand.

Plus, Bronze Star was saying
we should do a team-up.

Love the team-ups.

Oh, who doesn't love a team-up?

Four heroes pooling their cool,
battling evil as one. Ha!

All right. Team-up.

TICK: Oh, yes. We were just
talking about teamwork.

(BRONZE STAR CHUCKLES)

We already checked out
the passages that way.

No sign of Lobstercules.

Looks like you two
haven't found anything, either.

Well, uh, there's one
possible spot left on the map,

but it's a ways off, so...

BRONZE STAR: You could teleport
us over there, right, Sage?

Teleport?
That's all kinds of neat.

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I need to have been there first

for that to work. Otherwise,
I'll just get mixed up.

- We should just use our legs.
- BRONZE STAR: Tick's right.

Let's just try this last way
and see what we find.

Cool. Let's go.

Come on, chum.

OVERKILL: Problem?

TED: Not exactly
the kind of place a guy wants

to get brain surgery.

- Bob's not a surgeon.
- Oh.

- (BUZZER SOUNDS) -AUTOMATED
VOICE: Access granted.

DISTORTED MALE VOICE:
Identify yourselves.

Keep your mouth shut.
I've got this.

- It's Overkill.
- I'll need a retinal scan.

- AUTOMATED VOICE: Scanning.
- (WHIRRING)

SUBJECT IDENTIFIED: Overkill.

DISTORTED MALE VOICE:
Anyone could have gouged out

those metal eyes and stuck them
in your eye holes.

All you need is a good spoon
and a steady hand.

Damn it, Bob. You know it's me.

Open the door,
or I'll blow it open.

- (BUZZER SOUNDS) -AUTOMATED
VOICE: Access granted.

Absolutely no sense of humor.

Hi, Bobby.

(GUTTURAL TRILLING, WHIRRING)

Okay.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God,

- oh, my God.
- MAN: Right here. That's it.

- (MAN LAUGHS)
- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

What? What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Oh, God, God. (PANTING)

You must hide now.

MAN:
I told you, it's right here.

- (GROWLING)
- MAN: Aw, it's jammed.

All right, sweetheart.

Keep your claws down.
Come on, Mom.

You want to see the kiddies,
don't ya?

Yes.

Oh, God, look at that kisser.

Don't piss your pants, Denny.

Take it easy now, honey.

(LOBSTERS CHIRPING)

(LOBSTERCULES COOING)

Okay, Dougie.
Go ahead. Dinnertime.

(LOBSTERS SINGING)

This isn't going to hurt, is it?

Nah.

But it might cause
a teensy bit of brain damage.

- What?
- She's joking. Badly.

Eh, I got to get my kicks
somehow.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Foreign object found.

(BLACK MARKET BOB GRUNTS)

Pretty piece of business.

- Nobody does tech like The Duke.
- The man's a monster.

I can admire the creation
and hate the creator.

So, I can be myself again?

- Who were you?
- Uh, just a guy who worked at IKEA.

- Ugh.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This thing is transmitting.
Get it out of here.

I need you to trace that signal.
It might lead me to The Duke.

You are a psycho, but I am not
sending you into a trap.

I need to find The Duke.

I'm trying to keep you alive.

Don't.

(DEVICE BEEPING, WHIRRING)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Scanning object.

Transmission located.

I'd say see you at your funeral,

but there won't be enough left
of you to bury.

Doesn't seem to be anything
down here.

How solid is your intel?

Well, Dangerboat gave us
our special map,

- and he's shipshape.
- Oh, hey, I know Dangerboat.

- He's good people.
- Hey, Arthur!

Bronze Star knows DB.

Arthur?

Egad. Arthur's gone.

Yeah, it doesn't look good, man.

I'm getting, like,
a real abduction vibe.

That fiend Lobstercules
has taken my chum.

What if it hurts him?
What if it kills him?

Uh, maybe it won't.

I was on a monster hunt once
in the Ozarks,

and there was this critter
who would keep his victims alive

long enough to lay its eggs

in their body. I mean, it would
just shove its ovipositor

- right down the throat.
- What?!

- Man, that's not helping right now.
- (TICK PANTING)

Sage, you're a magical,
mystical being.

Is there something you could do

nipple-wise that could help?

Well, your friend
has a strong spirit.

If it's strong enough,
I might be able to catch a read

through these here walls.

Then do that! Please!

Excuse me.

By the Blind Eye of Thirdarra!

The Eye leads the way.

Thank you. Arthur!

Arthur!

Arthur!

(LOBSTERS SINGING)

(LOBSTERCULES COOING)

(LOBSTERS CONTINUE SINGING)

All right, sweetheart.
That's it.

Family goes back in the box.

(GROWLS)

DENNY:
We got another job tomorrow,

so you get good and ready
for action.

(LOBSTERS CHIRPING IN DISTRESS)

(LOBSTERCULES TRILLING
GUTTURALLY)

DONNY: Ah.

Back off, Mom.

We'll come get you tomorrow.

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, my God.

They're making you do this.

They have my children.

Please. Help me.

I will. I swear.

Arthur!

- (SIGHS) He's coming to save me.
- TICK: Arthur!

Wait a second,
he's coming to save me.

- You face the Tick!
- No, Tick, Tick, Tick, don't...

(LOBSTERCULES GROWLING)

ARTHUR: No, Tick! Stop!

- Ah!
- (TICK GASPS)

Tick! Tick, stop.

- (GRUNTS)
- No, Tick, Tick!

Tick, stop!

She's not your archnemesis,
okay?

(GROANS)

(WORKERS SCREAMING)

Tick, stop!

(GROWLS)

She's not trying to hurt us.
She needs our help.

- It's a her?
- She's not a villain, Tick.

Lobstercules?

(GROWLS)

Please, okay?
W-We're trying to help you here.

Just please, just give us
a chance to explain!

Please?

No. No, no, no.
How did... how did you...?

Thanks for the sewer map, sap.

Chalk another one up
for the good guys!

(WORKERS CHEERING)

(HORNS HONKING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)