01x04 - Chemistry

[bunniefuu]

(WHISTLING)

My God, Mitzi! Your shadow is purple!

Excuse me?

Purple. A deep, royal purple.

Are you having a seizure?

Oh, dear Mitzi, sweet, sweet Mitzi, your concern is endearing, but it's not my neuronal state that's at issue.

You're deeply conflicted about something.

What?

Shadow color is a transmission, a conveyance of unconscious emotional geography.

And your current shade is associated with uncertainty, discombobulation and guilt.

Guilt?

Yes!

But the shadow teachings are based on Catholic principles, so all of the colors are associated with guilt to a certain extent.

Shadows are black.

Like the color of the sky?

The sky is blue, Bondurant.

Obviously, not right now.

Oh, my God, are you shadow-blind?

You can't be blind to something that doesn't exist.

Oh, that's the only way you can be to something that doesn't exist.

Okay, there is no...

Shadows don't work like that.

Then tell me, Mitzi, how do you decipher hidden moods, if not by shining a light on the subject?

I don't know. Okay, geez.

But I'm not uncertain, or conflicted about anything, so...

Well, shadows don't lie.

I don't lie!

Of course.

I didn't mean...

I'm concerned about you.

I know. It's okay.

I'm just stressed, you know?

The bank's got these new partners who just can't keep their sh*t together.

The Moldovans again?

Their chemist told my boss that the enrichment program was successful, but you know how these things go. They want more money.

The uranium wasn't weapons-grade. And eventually, I end up digging shallow graves in a marsh.

Well, perhaps this time it will be weapons-grade.

Yeah?

That's so sweet.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

S01E04 - Chemistry

(BOTH PANTING)

God, you're gorgeous.

Yeah?

Do you ever get tired of hearing that?

Never.

I think I'd get tired of it.

Maybe that's why you're not so good to look at.

Because I wouldn't appreciate it?

My working theory.

Well, I could poke holes in it.

(GRUNTS)

Jamie: Should you really be eating those?

Huh?

You know, because of your allergies.

Right. I forgot oysters were...

Shellfish?

What's wrong with you two?

Nothing.

It's not nothing, it's getting worse!

What's getting worse?

Nothing.

It's not nothing, it's getting worse!

If I leave them alone, I figure they'll just keep going around like this.

Bondurant and I always climax simultaneously.

We were a few seconds off tonight.

We were a few seconds off the first time tonight!

The second time, we were 30 seconds off.

The third time we were two minutes off...

Oh, come on.

The Smits are incredibly virile, William.

My grandfather once impregnated a woman by breaking a $10 bill for her.

Uh-huh.

Something's amiss, but I can't quite put my penis on it.

Maybe it was just something you ate.

Impossible.

All I've had today are figs, oysters, and spring water.

So the usual, then?

Are you sure you don't feel even slightly discombobulated?

My shadow is not the issue, Bondurant!

What?

You really are gorgeous.

And I'm not saying that because I just came inside you.

It was a big one. I could feel it.

Been saving up all week.

Well, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.

I can't believe I haven't gotten you pregnant yet.

My IUD's like a Gatling g*n at Normandy, picking off your little sperms as they hit the beach.

There were no Gatling g*ns at Normandy, but those engrained German sensibilities are getting me hard again!

Easy. I think I need a breather.

Come on, let's go.

Ass on the mattress. Legs in the air.

Keep talking like that, I might actually get off this time.

Bondurant: Oh!

What?

Huh?

Leave it alone, dude.

Doesn't sound like me.

Got something on your mind?

Jamie: Let's get out of the city, go somewhere warm.

Cuba. Finca Vigia.

My friend has a plane that I've always wanted to steal.

Hold on.

God damn it.

What are you not telling me?

Nothing. I know how you've always wanted to angle marlin.

I'll man the machine g*n.

Keep the sharks off your catch.

Jamie?

(NERVOUSLY) Look, it's not a big deal. Okay?

I didn't have an orgasm. It happens to me sometimes.

(SCOFFS) No, it doesn't.

What?

You always have an orgasm. I make sure of it.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yeah.

All that moaning and convulsing...

Your hip bone was digging into me.

You probably just don't know what it feels like.

Oh, Jesus!

You're telling me that I don't know what an orgasm feels like?

There's no shame in that.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

Maybe I don't know what it feels like anymore, seeing as I haven't had one since we started dating.

You're saying I'm the problem?

Jamie: There is no problem, William.

I like sex with you, it's just a different experience for me.

Is it because my penis is too small for you?

Oh my God, William. No, your penis is not small.

I know that.

I didn't say "small." I said "too small for you."

Oh, so it's my fault.

My gigantic, cavernous vag*na.

(CHOKES)

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe because I thought you couldn't handle it, but good thing I was wrong.

So, you've just been faking it with me this whole time.

Look, don't blame me because you can't recognize what a satisfied woman looks like.

I always go down on you.

And it feels great when you do.

For, like, 40 minutes I go down on you.

I got carpal tunnel in my jaw from your stubborn clitoris.

You said you loved my clitoris.

Yeah, well, I lied.

You lied.

I lied about how much I enjoy, how much I appreciate, how much I just love your...

Your listless, dead-end, inert f*ckin'...

God damn it!

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

What was that?

What?

What was that heave?

What heave? There was no heave.

That little jolt in your hip.

Look, you're concussed, okay. You're not thinking straight.

'Cause it almost looked like you were...

Here.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, God.

See? See? That, right there.

Don't look at me.

What was that?

I'm a bad seed, William. I'm no good.

An equal blend of narcissism, machiavellianism, psychopathy and everyday sadism.

You just described half the people I know.

Just leave it alone, okay? It's for your own good.

Listen to her, dude.

Concur.

Jamie, what the hell's going on?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Of course my parents knew the risks of their coupling.

My father descended from German prostitutes and bankers.

My mother from farmers and pixies.

Every few generations, one of us pops up.

I thought you were an orphan.

Not until I was nine.

They gave me up when I was nine.

Your parents gave you up?

Jamie: Well, technically, they threw me overboard.

Once they realized what I was.

What were you?

A handful, William. She was a handful.

Keep going, dear.

I bounced around for a while.

Never staying in the same place for more than a few months at a time.

Until one of the nuns at the convent introduced me to my first husband.

First husband? You were married?

Twice, if you don't count the third time.

We don't count the third time, dear.

Alexander was sweet.

The heir to a great Bulgarian diaper fortune.

He showed me what it was to love.

Of course...

He left before we could become anything substantial.

He divorced you?

sh*t himself.

Hmm?

Yes.

Our time together was short, (SIGHING) but Alexander was perhaps, my most generous lover.

He knew how to give me exactly what I needed.

And what's that?

Don't rush her!

Sorry, this is a lot to absorb.

Ugh.

Alexander, of course, had made provisions for my future.

So, for the next 17 months, I bounced around from city to city, off the coast of here and there.

But never in a million years did I expect my path to cross with a man like Gapit.

(STAMMERING) "Gapit"?

An Indonesian auto-mechanic without a rupee to his name.

It was a particularly dry August morning when we first discovered each other.

I was swimming off the coast of the Riau Archipelago, when a gray whale came and swallowed my body whole.

Gapit, while scavenging the ocean floor for scrap metal, witnessed my circumstance, jumped from the bow of his jukung and with a sharp piece of loose coral, liberated me from the beast's stomach.

♪♪

Okay, this is ridiculous.

William's right to protest.

The gray whale feeds in the Arctic during the summer months.

It must have been a humpback.

Good catch.

Mmm.

We spent our days drunk off rum and our nights tangled together in his airless batak.

There were times that I thought Gapit would be unaffected by my aphrodisiomanical demands.

Until he hung himself.

Another su1c1de?

Damn it, William, you're the one who asked to hear this!

That was before I realized she'd been married to two guys who k*lled themselves.

Three, if you count the third time.

We don't count the third time, dear.

What the hell happened the third time?

After Gapit, I was in a very dark place.

You were depressed?

No, Iceland.

I was very happy, celebrating my new-found freedom.

That's when I met Elin.

We had only been together a week when she hurled herself off a mountain top at our wedding.

I suppose she was accustomed to the instant gratification afforded to expatriated European princesses.

I'm sorry, a princess?

Yes, her family was Dutch royalty.

Escaped the English in '38.

You mean the Nazis?

No, I don't.

Oh, okay.

I should've known that my demands would be too great for her.

That's what drove her insane.

That's what drove them all insane.

♪♪

Their pursuit to satisfy me.

What are you talking about?

(INHALES)

(EXHALES)

Go ahead, dear.

(SIGHS)

I'm a sexual contrarian.

Dear God!

I can only have an orgasm at the precise moment that my partner achieves full anti-orgasm.

"Anti-orgasm"?

Yes.

The exact opposite of an orgasm.

Is that it?

Bondurant, tell the story about your father's rectal cyst.

(CLEARS THROAT)

His fingers pinched down on the mighty abscess.

A howl carried through the halls of our double-wide, as the great ball of decay sh*t across the room, like a cannon.

This doing it for you?

I'm actually a bit turned on now. Bondurant?

My belly could not possibly be fuller of oysters.

That's all I needed to hear.

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

You don't think I can do it.

You don't think I can give you one.

That's what you took away from all of this?

William: You want to have this over me.

It's all just some sort of tall tale to make me look like an idiot.

Jamie: Keep talking like that, it's gonna become a cautionary tale that makes you look like an idiot.

(BANGS TABLE) I wanna give it a sh*t.

Don't say that.

I can do it. I know I can do it.

Jamie: Of course you can do it. Are you insane?

You're nothing but neuroses and self-loathing.

You're basically a walking anti-orgasm, but I care about you and I don't want to lose you.

(SCOFFS)

Fine.

You know what? Forget it.

Where are you going?

(SIGHS) I don't know.

Guess I'm saving myself.

(SIGHS)

(MOANING)

(PANTING)

(TIMER BEEPS)

How'd we do?

Twenty-seven seconds apart!

That's good!

At least we're headed back in the right direction.

It's not good enough, damn it! We're going again!

Bondurant, I'm gonna say something no Marquez has ever said before, but I don't think I can have any more sex tonight.

What if I let you be the man this time?

I thought that's what we always do.

(SIGHS) Don't you understand?

There's a ripple effect to these things.

First the sex goes, then one day you can't even guess which mathematical constant I'm thinking of in my head.

Euler's number.

Oh! That's not the point.

Bondurant, we're fine, really.

We're just growing.

"Growing"?

Three months in. Every relationship goes through this.

The boning becomes less awesome, and you start doing other activities together.

Like what?

I don't know, I've never made it to three months before.

Well...

(EXHALES)

Mitzi, do you want to come to Manitoba for Thanksgiving?

What does my shadow tell you?

Oh.

Appears to be gunmetal.

Ugh!

No, no, no, no! It's good. It's good.

Gunmetal is the color of contentment and love.

Of course it is.

And maybe, if Thanksgiving goes well, I can come to New York with you when you go to Juilliard.

Well, that sounds completely realistic.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS)

William!

William.

What are you doing?

(PANTING)

You're in surprisingly bad shape.

Seriously, that was, like, barely 50 yards.

(PANTING) There were stairs, okay?

Just shut up for a minute.

Look, I didn't handle that whole thing very well.

That's just it, Jamie. I don't want to be handled.

I want to throw you down, rip your clothes off, and screw you till you can't walk straight.

(JAMIE SIGHS)

(WILLIAM SIGHS)

All right. Well, I'm gonna...

Do you have any idea what it feels like to go to sleep and not feel safe?

I told you, I don't have a night-light.

I have a reading light.

A Princess Aurora reading light.

Jamie: Do you have any idea what that does to a kid?

Night in, night out?

Lying there, quietly, still as a board.

Just waiting for sunrise and...

Praying to God that you're not the one that gets noticed.

You're not the one that gets picked.

What?

I wasn't 17 before I'd seen a lifetime of sunrises.

I'd imagine them every hour, every night.

Jamie, you've never said... I didn't know.

I don't talk about it. Some people talk about it.

They feel like the words help diminish the truth.

I don't talk about it because the words help diminish the truth.

But when I'm with you, William, for one of the first times in my entire life I don't feel afraid to go to sleep.

All that stuff just fades away, and I'm with you and I feel happy and safe and loved.

Just to be clear, I've never actually said that I love you, so...

So if you feel like you need this.

If you need to prove to yourself in some ridiculous, outdated, macho-istic way that you can satisfy me, then...

I understand. But I'm telling you right now, I'm already satisfied.

(SIGHS)

I need this.

(SIGHS) f*ckin' idiot.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Your writing is derivative.

You've never read my writing.

I glanced at a short story on your desk once.

It was derivative. And the prose, a little ornate.

I know which one you're talking about. It's an old sample.

I've actually been working on something a bit bigger.

Well, I look forward to reading all of your future unpublished works.

You think this is going to get me to anti-orgasm?

No, this is just foreplay.

Well, this is lame.

Well, you gotta let me work up to it, okay?

So what, you're gonna insult my mother next?

No. No, I'm not gonna insult your psychotic mother.

All right, it's good. It's good, keep going.

Oh, are we going?

It's kind of hard to tell when I can't feel you inside of me.

Please, enough with this crap.

Let's get to the main event already.

You wanna get to it, huh?

Yeah.

Then beg me.

Beg you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I want you to beg me like you begged your parents for that chemistry set when you were a child.

What's going on? What is this?

Tell me, William, what did you do when your parents refused to buy you that Dr. A. Prentice Chemcraft Senior Set?

Huh?

What did you do?

(STAMMERING) Nothing. I didn't do anything!

You went out and you got it for yourself, didn't you?

You saved up in secret, all your birthdays, and Christmases, and driveway shoveling money, and on the afternoon of March the 21st, you missed your school bus home and you took the number five downtown, isn't that right?

How did you... I never told you any of that.

Your eyes, William. Your eyes give you away.

I want to stop now.

Your brother was there when you got home, visiting for the weekend.

Tell me, William, did you even say "hello" before your anxious little feet carried you upstairs?

It's not my fault.

How could it be?

You were only a child, after all.

I mean, how could you have any notion, the dangers contained within that chemistry set?

I couldn't have... (STAMMERS) I didn't know that... I mean, unless the manufacturers had saw fit to label their product with some sort of a warning system?

(EXHALES)

Hmm.

What did the box say, William?

(STAMMERS) I don't remember.

Of course you remember.

It's all you've thought about for the last 15 years.

No!

You asked for this.

You wanted this. Now tell me, what did the f*cking box say?

"Ages 9 to 12." Okay?

It said, "Ages 9 to 12."

And how old were you?

I was eight.

(MOANS) Oh, God!

Your brother had a hockey scholarship to Michigan, yes?

From what I understand, he was a very promising prospect.

Even had some interest from some professional clubs.

He was too small. It wouldn't have mattered.

Oh, dear, dear William, is that how you've been coping all these years?

He said it himself. He never would have made it!

He's protecting you, William.

He's protecting you, just like he protected you that fateful spring evening, when the inferno tore through your parents' split-level, trapping you upstairs.

My father had just lacquered the floors.

Might as well have been gasoline!

Oh, God, yes!

Please stop!

Don't stop!

I tried to get out.

But the heat...

The flames...

(SOBBING) I couldn't even see the door.

But Danny could. Yeah.

Yeah, Danny could. And he rushed to your rescue, and without any thought of his own well-being, threw you on his back and jumped from the second-story window.

I told him it was too high.

Your brother broke his leg rescuing you, and his backwards skating was never the same.

He sacrificed his dream, William.

All so that you could conjure colored puffs of smoke for your friends?

They would have thought I was so cool!

(WAILS) I'm sorry, Danny! I'm so sorry!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

He should have let me die!

Oh, God!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

I'm doing it! I'm doing it. I'm anti-orgasming.

(MOANING)

I'm so sad-happy.

(CONTINUES MOANING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH SOBBING)

I'm glad we're so normal.

(WILLIAM SIGHS)

You okay, bud?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah.

Sounded pretty intense back there.

I'll get over it.

I didn't know your brother played hockey.

That's because he didn't.

Hold on.

Did you fake an anti-orgasm?

Then where did she come up with all that stuff?

She read my short story.

Yeah, but why would she just assume it was about...

Because Jamie doesn't think I have the creative fortitude to write about anything other than personal experiences.

Oh, you don't.

Guess that's why it wasn't very good.

(EXHALES)

I'm really not sure if this was brutally depraved or intensely sweet of you.

I honestly can't tell anymore.

This is a new church?

Uh, yes.