01x07 - Brother Visits

Hey, can you get the small of my back?

Uh...

Nicole!

Why is there a crackhead in the bathtub?

Oh, my God, don't call him that... that's offensive.

He has a name. It's Crackhead Kenneth.

Okay, then why is Crackhead Kenneth in the bathtub?

Because I want him to look nice for when my brother gets here.

Okay. That makes sense. No, that makes total sense.

I should have done the same thing when my Aunt Judy came into town.

You're cleaning?

Yeah, Reggie's got this thing where everything has its place.

Messy house, messy brain.

Reggie's gonna be here!

Yeeeeees! [applauding]

So, what is he doing here?

A conference or something.

I don't know. I can't remember what his job is.

I think it's like something with computers?

Oh, no, he sounds terrible.

No, he's great.

He's just a little bitch when it comes to being clean.

What time does he get in?

What did he say... 5:00, 5:00 p.m.?

That's right now.

Oh, no, is it?

Oh, damn it!

Okay, can you finish sweeping the rug, and do me one teeny, tiny little favor?

Clean the rest of the apartment, go buy some new sheets for Reggie, and make me those funfetti cupcakes that I like.

Okay, bye!

[door opens, closes]

♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪

[footsteps padding]

Male computer voice: Arrival in two hours.

Sweet Jesus, take the wheel!

[tires squealing]

[siren wailing]

[police radio chatter]

[knocks on window]

Yes?

Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?

'Cause I'm a big, Black lady in a big, black car?

Your car's kinda small.

Do you wanna try this again?

Yes, please.

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Because you think I'm cute and you wanna take me to a Red Lobster?

You rolled through a stop sign.

Straight to your heart? [laughs]

License and registration, please.

I'm late picking up my brother from the airport, and he's gonna be so annoyed.

Growing up, he was always kinda the favorite, and I was always kinda the screw-up.

Uh-huh.

My parents just like liked him better than me, and they're both dead, so, that's a ranking that's not gonna change.

But I could show him that I'm not a screw-up, if I could just, you know, get him on time.

[groans] God, don't you know what it feels like to have a sibling that acts like they're better than you?

I have a sister who's a lawyer.

I never hear the end of it.

Oh, thank you, Officer Good-looking.

Don't let me see you break any more laws...

[tires squealing]

Nicole: Sorry I was so late picking you up.

No, you're actually right on time.

The flight number that I gave you was for one that got in two hours before mine.

What if I'd gotten there on time and had to wait the airport for two hours?

Both: [laughing]

Sorry you have to hold your suitcase.

My trunk won't open.

Oh, that's okay.

I prefer knowing where it is.

It's good to see Mom's old car is still moving.

Yeah, well... ♪ I treat it really good ♪
♪ I take care of it ♪

Reggie: [laughing]

Oh, I am so happy to have you in town for 12 hours.

I have a surprise for you!

No! No surprises, Nicole. I'm beat.

But we have to make one teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy little stop.

Nicole: [sighs]

Ta-da!

Ever since you told me you were gay, I have been dying to take you here.

A gay bar by the airport?

Not just any gay bar... a gay bar that hasn't been discovered by bachelorette parties.

It's uncontaminated. Pure gays and tranzes.

Nicole, I'm really not comfortable in bars.

Do we have to do this?

Why? Did you get a boyfriend?

No, not yet... and I don't wanna talk about this with my sister.

Just tell me what your type is.

A bear? Twink? Super queenie? Male de flame?

A homophobic football player with a secret?

Okay, okay, I... I guess my type is someone who's real nice, uh, a reader, like me, well-traveled, solid vinyl collection, down with a good brunch.

What kind of flesh package do you like working with?

Reggie: [sighing]

You're a virgin!

Why don't you say that a little louder?

I should say it louder.

These guys'll be lining up around the block once they figure out you're a virgin.

Oh, yeah, I'd love for my first time to be me having a train run on me.

Trains are fun. But you know what? Fine.

You're not gonna find a guy like that back in Jersey, you know?

Maybe just one drink.

[applauding]

Okay, you grab us a table and I'm gonna go grab you cocoa-mocha man.

No. No, no, Nicole, don't do that.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I started walking.

I can't stop walking. What's happening?

Sorry!

Hi.

Hi.

Ugh, you're straight. What are you doing here?

I don't know. It's close to where I work out.

Oh, so, you just come for the attention?

Look, ladies never notice my calves, right?

You sicken me.

Could I buy you a drink?

No.

You could buy me two. [laughing]

[glasses clink]

Okay, good news and bad news about cocoa-mocha man.

Bad news... he's straight.

Good news... he's generous.

Nicole, you can't just leave me here like that.

I'm sitting here by myself, while you're over there talking to some guy... with incredible calves.

Well, look at you. You're so closed off.

You need to be more inviting.

Let them see your pretty face.

Okay, uncross your arms, arch your back, invite them to Club Reggie.

Show them that you're open for business. That's better.

Nicole, I can't just do what you do.

You're fearless.

Yes, you can.

We had a Black president. That was his campaign slogan.

Obama!

Oh! Uh, hi. I'm Rebbie...

I mean, Reggie. Sorry. Um, do you ever do that?

Do you ever say the wrong name thinking that it's the right name?

Uh, sorry about your drink. I'll get you a new one.

I'm here for a conference. Do you like shrimp?

I know some people that are allergic, and I'm like, whew, that is not living.

Why did I just say that?

Shut it down.

Okay. I'll take that. I wanna go home.

Shut it down.

Yes, yes, yes. That was very bad.

I said "hello."

You said your name was Rebbie. What the [bleep]?

That was so humiliating.

[laughs] Oh, please.

Humiliating is when a guy burps in your mouth when you're making out with him, and then you go out with him three more times.

Okay, yeah, you've been humiliated more than I have.

Winner! Still champion! [laughing]

I am drunk. We're taking a car.

Why don't we just take the bus?

The bus? In LA? [laughing]

We're taking a car.

You said it yourself. Money is tight.

Maybe if you learned first-hand how affordable and effective the LA metro system is, you'd say it's affordable.

No, we'll take the bus as long as you stop talking.

Oof! Pffft!

That was easier than I thought.

Reggie: [sighs]

Deep sigh.

I know what you're doing. This is not that bad.

Nicole: Oh, really?

Reggie: It's a perfectly fine mode of transportation.

Oh, we could be drinking three tiny waters in the back of some Armenian's Uber.

Instead, we're sitting here and getting what?

Three different types of bedbugs?

You're being a snob.

Uh. Oh, I'm Reggie, a bus-taker.

I love the bus 'cause I love saving money and I'm boring.

Boring? Why am I boring?

Because I have a real job and I'm not some wannabe actress that got cut off of a mattress commercial?

You can make a crossword puzzle look like a line of cocaine.

Yeah, I bet you know what a line of cocaine looks like.

Yeah, I do know what a line of cocaine looks like, and I know what a dick looks like, and I know what a line of cocaine on a dick looks like.

Of course, you've done cocaine off of a pen1s.

You are the least responsible person I know.

What about Aunt Thelma?

She didn't know she was pregnant 'til Tyrell slid out of her in the bathroom of a gas station.

That's irresponsible.

At least Aunt Thelma helped me with Dad's funeral.

Come on, that's not fair.

You know you wouldn't let me help.

It's like you're trying to rewrite history or something.

Yeah, I should've let you take over Dad's funeral so that it could have been a complete disaster... just like tonight.

Oh, I am so sorry that I took you out of your shitty virgin little life to have fun tonight.

That's it. I'm outta here.

Reggie, don't you dare get off this bus.

This is a terrible neighborhood.

Hey, I live here.

Then you know it.

Reggie, don't you dare hit that buzzer.

[bell rings]

Reggie!

You will not get off this bus.

[doors open, close]

Reggie!

Stop the bus! I need to get off the bus!

Man: Hold the door! Hold the door, please!

Let's rob him!

Man: [screaming]

Nicole: Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Let me back on the bus!

I love the bus! I love the bus!

Oh...

Oh... [bleep]!

[ominous music]

Oh... Oh...

Oh, God...

Man: [snarling]

Oh. No. No.

No! No! No! No! No!

Excuse me, sir, have you seen my brother?

He's 23 and polite. He must be so terrified.

I am so worried. He is not street smart.

He is polite. He loves computers or he works on computers.

I don't know which one he said, okay?

He is so polite.

How long he been missing?

Oh... eleven minutes.

He's probably dead.


Bye, Mahmood.

Thank you for the Snapple and the fattoush.

Tell your son to add me on LinkedIn.

I just wanted him to have a good time.

This night was supposed to be fun and I ruined everything.

Wanna smoke some of this weed?

Yes. Some weed would be good.

It could help me calm down, stay focused, relaxed, and figure out where Reggie is.

[sighing]

Ugh. Hold up. That's not weed.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It's brown and it's got clumps of fur in it.

This is the finest weed I've ever had.

I don't doubt that, man-with-shopping-bags-for-shoes, but that is definitely not weed.

Are you callin' me a liar?!

Oh, okay, I see that I'm like pushing some buttons here.

But I gotta stand firm. That's not weed.

Just smoke it!

No!

[heavy punch]

Nicole: [gasps]

Oh, well, I shoulda seen that one coming.

[knock at door]

Oh, hey, you must be Reggie.

Hi, I'm Devin.

A pleasure.

Where's Nicole?

She's not here?

No.

She was just one stop behind me on the bus.

The bus? The bus? Nicole on a bus?

You're funny. You are funny.

She told me you were funny. I didn't know how much.

Where did you guys go?

Some horrible gay bar near the airport.

Oh, the Cockpit. Oh, I love gays in transit.

They're fun. They're free.

Uh, where am I sleeping? I just wanna go to bed.

You don't wanna stay up and wait for Nicole?

I gotta hear what she thought about this bus.

Then you stay up for her. I'm mad at her.

Why? Did she try to control your evening and then when you didn't wanna do what she said, she powdered into her huge tantrum?

Wow, it's like you were there.

Have a seat. I've got the perfect Shiraz for bitching about Nicole.

[case thuds]

Welcome to LA.

[laughs]

Pour yourself a glass. I'm not a maid.

Hi, nice people. Can someone help me?

Oh, please don't run. Please don't run. Nice people, I mean you no harm.

Oh, I have no money, no food.

Oh, I'm just trying to get home.

Man: Hey! Oh, chill!

[screaming]

No, don't yell don't Chill. Chill.

Please, don't kill me. I have so little to live for.

Please...

Shut up!

I did a lot of bad things in my life and tonight...

I'm gonna help you.

Ohhhh...

Do you have a car?

Don't need one.

LA metro's very reliable and affordable.

[sobbing] Not the bus again.

Look, look, look, let's get you some food first.

Yeah, yeah, food sounds good. [sobbing]

But I have to find my brother.

But you know what? Tacos are pretty fast.

But he's my only family. I have to find him!

Oh, this is the truck that puts the fries on the taco.

I'm very excited about this.

Here, take this.

This is all my fault.

This would have never happened if I hadn't made such a big deal about getting him laid at the bar and telling everyone that he was a virgin.

Well... you tried to get your brother laid?

Mm-hm.

Damn!

My sister never cared about my dick.

Wow.

You is a nice bitch.

I know.

I'm the nicest bitch.

So, you just feel like you've got nobody else to rely on.

You know, I feel the same way. I've been on my own since I was 24.

I mean, I have to do everything.

I've always had to be the responsible one.

And you hurt, don't you?

I do.

Nicole just doesn't care about me and my feelings.

See, that's where you're wrong.

She really cares. Yeah, I get it.

She's lazy. She eats in bed. She leaves the toilet seat up.

Yeah, I hate that.

Please, I'm not done.

She's unreliable. She's horrific with men.

Terrible time management.

Exactly.

Please do not interrupt me right now, okay? Don't!

She's very selfish. She pays with most things in change.

Small change, not quarters, and I know she's had a UTI for at least a month, and she's done nothing about it.

But somewhere deep down inside...

I'm sorry, I... forgot what I was gonna say.

Your eyes...

Um...

I know that she really loves and cares about you.

I've never seen her so giddy to see somebody or hear her talk about, the way she talks about you.

It's kinda gross.

It made me very excited to meet you and a little jealous.

Really?

Absolutely. Yeah.

I've been asking her to clean this place up for months, and it wasn't a priority until you showed up.

Ugh, this is clean?

Watch it.

Right.

I can't tell you how to feel.

But I know if you could see things from her perspective, you'd feel differently.

Wow. I...

Maybe you're right.

Maybe she does care.

She cares and I know I'm right.

Psychology is very easy.

I can't believe my therapist had to go to Arizona State for this.

So, why do you think he's so uptight?

I don't know. He never talks to me.

I mean, he bcc'd me on a mass email coming out of the closet.

I mean, what do I look like?

A person who's gonna hit "reply all"?

How'd that make you feel?

I mean, bad.

Like, uh, like I'm not important to him.

Did you tell him?

[laughs] No.

He's always judging me, making my life feel crummy in comparison to his.

Well, if you don't speak, how do you expect a person to listen?

Wow, Scary Man, you deep as hell.

Communication is key.

See that tattoo right there.

Oh, I like that.

You like that, right?

Teachable moments right up by your face.

Nicole, is that you?

Oh, my God! This is my home!

Damn, girl, you look like sh1t.

You better wash your hair. Your brother's home.

Oh! Thank God!

Wait, Kenneth, that's Devin's car.

Okay.

[metal scraping]

Uh... [bleep]!

Nice bitch? Hold up, bitch.

[knock at door]

[heavy sigh]

Devin: Oh, my God, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay, I really am.

Hello?

'Sup?

What did you do to my sister?

Hey! Woah, woah!

Easy, little man, this nice sister bitch has been looking all over for you.

Worried sick.

See, Reggie, I told you Nicole cares.

Mm-hm.

Nicole!

Do you see what your brother's doin' for you?

This tiny pork chop ran up on me without thinking, maybe he's got a knife or a gun... which I do.

Okay, all right, can you just like let my brother go?

Can you let the anger for your brother go?

Did you go to Arizona State?

Reggie: [groans]

Sure did.

It's a good school.

Now, nice bitch, give your brother a hug.

I'm sorry I left you on the bus.

Oh, I'm sorry, too.

Who is that guy?

Little Stroke. Northside. 818.

Reggie: 818?

Nicole: 818.

Um, well, thanks for everything.

It was really nice to meet you.

Have a good night.

No, no, no, hell, no.

Wha...? Wha...?

You're gon' give me what I want.

What? What do you want?

I want your number.

Oh...

Um... uh... I... I don't have anything to write on.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, solves that problem.

Okay.

[chuckling]

Nicole?

Hey. Well, I'm off.

Well, it was great having you, little beebee!

Yeah. Ahhh...

Thanks for an interesting night?

Uh...

You know, I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you.

I know I don't really say that enough.

But...

I'm impressed that you moved out here to pursue your dreams.

That takes a lot of guts.

Maybe this will, I don't know, help with bills or something.

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.

Okay.

Ahhh!

I'm not trying to be rude.

Reggie: [laughs]

Listen, you and your money are welcome here whenever you want.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

See ya.

[heavy sigh] Bye.

Take care of Mom's car.

Nicole: I will.

Text me when you get home.

I will.

Bye!

Bye, Devin.

[sighing] I'm gonna miss that little nerd.

Hey, thank you so much for taking care of him.

No worries. I'm just happy you're not mad that I deflowered your little brother.

[cheek pops]

Thank you!

He needed that.