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01x05 - Nobody Beats the Biebs

Posted: 09/28/16 02:35
by bunniefuu
[indistinct chatter]

[cameras snapping]

Ah.

Hey, are you playing in the game?

Uh, no, just him.

It's Paper Boi.

Oh, okay. Well...

I think Loretta magazine wanted to talk to him.

Let me see if I can find someone.

One minute.

Hmm.

Ahh. It's gonna be awsome, boy.

Yo, it's time to show these fools why I'm a legend at two games.

I'm thinking, what?

MVP Honors. Oh.

Yeah, you were pretty good back in the day.

[scoffs] Back in the day?

What? I'm still fire.

Me and Darius be going to the YMCA.

I still be ♪ smashing it ♪

[chuckles]

What ever happened to the old, uh, running shoe place?

Oh, man, that place was dope, wasn't it?

Yeah.

They sh*t it up though.

Dang.

I mean, n*gg*r*s started trying to call charging, man.

It was all badge.

Yeah.

[basketball bouncing]

You should go ahead and interview me now 'cause I'ma be MVP of this thing.

I'm sorry, what?

I sa... I... I said that you should interview me 'cause I'm play good today.

Oh.

[exhales]

Hey, you Valencia Joiner, right?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I see you do them interviews on TV all the time.

And you are... gorgeous! [chuckles]

Thank you.

So what's good? You... wanna interview me?

You know, I'll tell you my whole life story.

Are you playing in the game later?

Yup.

All right, you got me. I'm a rapper.

[chuckles]

You may have heard of me.

Paper Boi.

I do that song.

♪ Paper Boi, Pap... ♪

Oh, I know who you are.

You're the guy who sh*t someone.

See what... see, well, it ain't really happen like that.

You know what I'm saying? The internet, it just run with stories, so.

So you need to get to know the real me.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look, I even let you interview me somewhere fly like Benihanas.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that sound good, right?

I don't know.

My audience isn't into the whole gangster thing.

I'm not really either.

[blows raspberry] Gangster, I see.

No, baby, you got me all wrong, man, look...

I'm a gentlemen first. [chuckles]

That's why you need to get to know me...

Hey, Val, I need to...

Hey.

I need to prep you for the half-time segment.

Rosalyn has a few questions.

Okay.

Well, you have fun at the game.

Well, hold up, wait... see...

Damon Wayans-looking n*gga.

[sighs]

Who's that?

Val Joiner.

You know her?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she cute.

[mutters] Yeah.

Justin Bieber!

Justin Bieber!


Hey Justin, right here!

Oh, sh*t, it's Justin Bieber.

[cameras snapping]

Hey!

Hey Justin, right here.

Hey, Justin, right here!

Justin!

Hey!

Justin!

Come on, Justin!


I'm surprised he even showed up, man.

What is the deal with this n*gga, man?

What you mean?

Why... why everybody always going crazy over him?

He can sing. He can dance.

Girls think he's cute. I don't know.

All that sh*t weird to me.

Hey, you're that n*gga that blew that other n*gga's brains out.

Cool.

Justin!

Over here!

It's cool.

So hey, Justin, how are you?

It's good to see you.

You look like your ready for the game.

And I... [laughs]

I'm gonna dunk on a bitch!

I don't like this n*gg*r.

I don't know, he's kind of funny.

I mean, he's hot right now. You should work with him.

I mean, speaking as your manager, you know.

Just 'cause you dressed like a 6th grader don't make you my manager, man.

Hey, we're starting soon so you should get dressed.

Cool.

Locker room is this way.

Thank you.

Hey, where you gonna be at?

I don't know. I'm probably gonna try and find some corner to hang out in, you know.

After the game, I'll just find you.

All right.

[scoffs]

Hey, Alonzo. Alonzo.

Alonzo... behind you.

Why you little snake, you can't say hello?

[kisses]

[laughs]

Oh... I... I don't... I don't think you... mean to...

Oh, yeah, you're surprised to see me, I'm sure.

Yeah, well, I'm back from the dead again.

You know I've been doing that my whole career, so.

Was that your client back there?

Uh.

Yeah, that's... that's Paper Boi.

Oh, right.

I've heard of that.

So, are you still at CSA or did you go independent now?

I... I'm independent.

[mumbles] I think, um...

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you... you can't smoke that in here.

[sighs] Okay.

So, uh, you're coming upstairs, right?

I mean, all the other agents and such are there.

So come on.

And... I am gonna smoke up there, like, I don't care what that guy says about it.

Yeah.

These days, it is all about management.

I mean, the... money is drying up in all the old markets.

I mean, it's important to keep what you have, is what I think.

I mean, you know Alan Greengate, right?

He's the... he's the guy who represents all those athletes who want to become actors.

I mean, he should be in here. He'll tell you that I'm right.

Seriously. He knows.

Whoa, whoa. Where you going?

Uh...

You need a pass to get in here.

I... I didn't know... I thought...

You playing in the game or something?

You really don't think that we're gonna wear those ugly VIP laminates that you guys sent out on our chest, right?

Just let him through. I mean, we... we all don't want to be at this thing.

[mumbles]

[yawns]

[children yelling]

[dogs barking]

[dramatic music]

In the development of the SOCP Dagger, I spent several years developing prototypes.


Well, it's got a little more kick than the 9.

[g*n clicks]

Is this your first time sh**ting?

No. No, it'll be fine.

I'll take that one.

All right.

[country music over radio]

Oh, yeah, and two boxes of b*ll*ts.

All right.

Here you go.

All right, thank you, my friend.

Have fun.

Uh-huh.

[indistinct chatter]

This kid is a mess, man.

Yeah, he crazy.

Man, I see him on TV all the time wylin' out.

He can't even really dance, ain't like he Chris Brown.

He just trying to figure it out.

Whatever, man.

You getting real soft these days.

[exhales]

[whistle blows]

[announcer speaking indistinctly]

[cheering and clapping]

[cheering]

Man down! Man down!

n*gga!

[g*nshots]

[whistling]

[machine whirs]

[g*n clicking]

[g*n cocks]

[g*n f*ring]

[indistinct cheering]

Come on, come on, yeah.

You don't want this now.

Come on.

Come on, man!

[cheers]

I got Bieber, man.

[scoffs]

All right? I got Bieber.

I'm in this for charity.

Yeah, okay.

Well, then donate Bieber to me then, all right?

It's for the kids.

I got Bieber, give him to me.

[cheers]

[crowd groans]

Oh, you gonna dunk on a bitch?

Aight, little n*gga.

Aight. Okay.

Oh, I left a bag of dicks for you to eat in the locker room.

Well, your breath smell like you already ate a bag yourself.

Well, that's okay, but you can tell your mom to eat that bag of dicks, all right?

Okay.

Is that cool for you?

Aight.

Is it too late to say I'm sorry, man?

Is it too late to get your hairline down?

How bout you hairline deez nuts, n*gga?

How bout that!
[whistle blows]

Let's go. What you got?

What you got?

What you got?

Ball.

Ball. n*gga, give me the ball.

n*gg*r!

Thanks!

What you got?

Bout to whoop your pomegranate ass.

This ain't "Space Jam," n*gga.

Play ball, let's go...

sh*t.

[cheers]

Damn.

You broke in real life and basketball.

[scoffs]

[g*ns f*ring]

[chuckles]

Yeah.

All right.

What do you think you're doing?

What do you think you're doing?!

Who, me?

sh**ting.

You can't sh**t dogs.

What are you, a psycho?

Why not?

Listen, man, look, the dogs from my neighborhood, they're crazy.

They bite babies and... and...

I don't give a damn. My kid could be in here.

You... you can't sh**t a dog.

Well, why would I sh**t at a human target?

I mean, that's weird, right?

I mean, look at that one.

That's just way too specific, man.

I don't care.

I... I'm not gonna let you sh**t a f*cking dog in here.

Hey.

But...

He can sh**t whatever he wants.

You sh**t at your r*cist targets with no problem.

I saw you sh**t at that one with a Mexican holding a Kn*fe.

It's shameful.

America has taken so much.

No more.

A revolution will rise from within.

Blood will spill.

[mumbles] Well, I didn't say all that, but, you know...

You ain't gonna sh**t no dog target.

You! Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey... hey, uh... what... what did I do, man?

I told you the rules before you came in here.

I ain't gonna let you start no sh*t.

[country music over radio]

Oh. Uh... you still have my ID.

Can I get the dog poster?

Get the hell out.

Okay.

[store entrance bell jingles]

[scoffs]

Yeah, definitely, I mean, with the way things are going nowadays, I mean, you got to be careful about the deals you sign.

Mm-hmm.

See, I tell my clients that all the time.

Brand association is important.

Yeah.

Yeah, working in music, you definitely got to do it different.

I think that's why John went to TV.

[polite laughter]

So hey, is... is your client working with anyone on the TV side?

Cause I got a few people looking for that sort of thing, ad-wise.

Um, my client's interested in anything that... pays money.

[laughter]

Right.

Makes sense.

So who you with, ASA?

I'm independent.

Okay, well, take my card and we should get together 'cause I have a lot going on next year and I want to make sure I got good people on board.

Here, take mine as well.

Great. Uh..

I... I ran out of cards here so, like, I'll just make sure to call both of you guys.

Okay.

Yeah, that's great.

And... what's your name, again?

Just call me Earn, yeah.

Earn, okay.

Earn.

Well, great to meet you, Earn.

Yeah.

Be in touch.

It was great meeting you.

Yeah, it was really nice meeting you guys.

Talk to you soon.

Alright.

See ya, Earn.

Same here. Bye.

[taps cards]

♪ ♪

How much for a beer?

Oh, it's, uh, gratis.

Oh, uh, then I'll have a Hennessy and Grand Marnier.

Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

Here you go.

Hey, Janice.

Mm... whiskey, straight up?

A... Bushmills, not the cheap stuff.

I'm worth it. [laughs]

[laughs]

[lighter flicks]

So you having fun yet?

[lighter snaps shut]

Yeah. It's great up here.

I'm sure it is.

[clears throat] Remember at the Grammys, it was six years ago, isn't that where we first met?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were just a rookie in this thing.

Remember? [laughs]

Look at you now.

[laughs]

I'm just happy to be here, you know.

I... I remember I... I... I told you that loyalty was really important, that, uh...

[clears throat] the good ones are loyal to their clients, the great ones, though, loyal to their peers.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

[sighs]

[scoffs]

You know I don't work for ASA anymore?

I didn't... nah, I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's been really hard for me in this business.

You know, coming in as a woman, but...

[clears throat] the last three years have been even worse.

Sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

[scoffs]

Look, I know it was you, Alonzo.

What?

[exhales]

I know you sold me out, you f*gg*t cocksucker!

Whoa...

What did you think I wouldn't know it was you?

You've been avoiding me the last three years!

You piece of sh*t.

You undercut me.

I had to hear from Gail, f*cking Gail, that you were speaking with my clients.

I know, I... I'm sorry, but what is happening?

You screwed me over and you thought and you thought I wasn't gonna know it was you, but I know! I know, Alonzo.

Okay? I know.

No, no...

Yeah, no-no.

It's all right. It's all right.

It's okay. You thought I was finished, but...

[clears throat] I'm a survivor.

[laughs] No, there must be... there's a mistake happening...

Mm. Mm-mm. right now, there's some sort of mistake.

Mm-mm... wipe that sharecropper smile off your face.

You know what?

I am going to ruin you. I'm gonna ruin you.

No matter where you go, I'm gonna follow you.

I'm gonna be on you and I am going to take back everything... everything that you... you stole from me.

[smooches]

I'm not Alonzo.

I'm gonna make sure that you die homeless.

[indistinct cheering]

What you got, little n*gg*r?

I'm still MVP, n*gg*r.

I'm coming for that sh*t.

Alfred, I'm open on the block!

I'm open.

I love you, Justin!

I know, bitch!

[crowd reacts]

Hell no, n*gga.

No!

[whistle blows]

[crowd groans]

Hey!

Your ass, fool!


Bitch.

[buzzer rings]

[crowd groans]

Oh, you pushing me?

Come on, now.

You pushing when my back is turned?

How bout I push you that way, huh?

You put your hands on me, n*gga?

[both grumbling]

[crowd murmuring]

Don't nobody even like your stupid-ass music.

Get your hand off my face. Get your hand off my face.

[both groaning and straining]

You know what? I'm gonna k*ll you, n*gga.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

I'm gonna k*ll you.

Gonna k*ll you first.

Look, I'm drunk, but this is ridiculous.

You dumb... nasty!

f*ck this sh*t.

[crowd jeering]

I hate you, I hate you, I...

I'm MVP, I'm MVP, I'm MVP...

I hate you, n*gga!

I'm an MVP!

[indistinct chatter]

[cameras snapping]

Hey, everybody.

I just want to say, um, sorry about what happened today.

It's not who I am.

I... I guess I been trying to be so... cool? .. lately that I became something I'm not.

[crowd gasps]

Wait.

It's cool, it's cool.

This is me.

This is the real Justin.

I'm not a bad guy.

I actually love Christ.

I guess I've just been hanging out with the wrong people.

[hip-hop music builds]

Which is why I want to sing this new single from my upcoming album, "Justice."

[scattered cheers]

♪ ♪

[Auto-Tuned] ♪ Girl ♪
♪ Whatever I did ♪

[women cheer]

♪ Doesn't matter ♪
♪ You know that I'll always be better ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm crazy and I know it ♪

I can't believe this n*gga.

♪ That's how I show you that I care ♪
♪ Whatever I did, girl ♪

Hey.

Crazy day, right? [laughs]

Hey, look, I just want to apologize to people, you know, for how I was acting.

Think they got the wrong idea of me.

Maybe... you can interview me sometime?

Get to know the real me.

[inhales]

Listen, I want to give you some advice.

Play your part.

People don't want Justin to be the assh*le.

They want you to be the assh*le.

You're a rapper.

That's your job.

♪ Whatever I did doesn't matter ♪
♪ You know that I'll always be better ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm crazy and you know it ♪

Hey, man, how the game go?

Pff, terrible.

You wanna see that?

No, man. See what?

Hell, it doesn't matter, man.

♪ Whatever I do, girl, just forget about it ♪

What is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Nothing, man, um.

You want to get out of here, man?

Yeah. Yeah, man, let's do that.

♪ Everybody put your hands up ♪
♪ Girl ♪
♪ You know what I did doesn't matter ♪

♪ You know that I'll always be better ♪
♪ Sometimes I'm crazy and you know it ♪
♪ That's how I show you that I care ♪