02x03 - Money Bag Shawty

[bunniefuu]

Okay.

Ooh-wee, I am fuming, y'all.

So I was taking my ten-year-old, Destiny, to school this morning.

Now, she loves that . radio station.

It's like the hits or top hits or something.

This rap song comes on.

And it was just... disgusting.

It's... you okay, baby?

Want a juice box?

So, uh, I-I looked up the lyrics.

And the song is by this guy, Paper Boi,

and I'm gonna read y'all what was playing.

So there's gonna be some cussing.

But it's not my words.

Okay, so here it goes.

"Bitch, I need reparations.

N-n*gg*s tired of dancing like The Temptations.

Sell a dime bag or that new cr*ck, fentanyl.

The same reason Prince k*lled.

My d*ck is like a tree trunk.

Baby, catch this tree sap.

Kicked you out the condo.

This ain't the place you sleep at.

Baby, slide on the d*ck.

You can do it all night.

You can be my baby mama.

You can't ever be my wife."

Here's where it gets crazy, y'all.

"Said no to college 'cause it's no fun.

Mo' dr*gs and mo' g*ns.

But I still might have to slap a trick.

Shout-out Colin Kaepernick."

(CRYING): I'm sorry.

It's just, like, this is what was on.

♪ Uh, told a bitch you motherfuckin' right ♪

♪ Told a bitch you motherfuckin' right. ♪

(LAUGHTER)

(WHOOPS, TRILLS)

Hey!

Oh, boy, I can't believe that single went gold already.

Yo, that white woman crying,

that was the best thing that could've happened to us, man.

Their tears are powerful.

They are. They really are.

Yo, I was gonna send her ass a gift,

but, uh, she was slick hatin', though.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, man. Hey, y'all fellas want another round of sh*ts?

Oh, hell yeah, man.

- Yeah.
- Sure, man.

BARTENDER: ... it's on me.

Not even gonna charge
y'all for these, all right?

- Oh, thanks, man.
- Thanks.

Matter of fact, might
take one with y'all.

Oh, all right.

- Oh...
- Hey...

White tears.

Oh, it tastes like free.

Ah.

Look, we got to talk about...

Yo. Y-You're Paper Boi, right?

Yeah, man.

Man, see, listen, I was trying to see

if I could kick some business with you, brother.

Like, I got a handle on a couple...

Well, actually, you know, we're kind of off the clock right now,

- so, like, we're just...
- Man, f*ck you, dude!

I'm talking to Paper Boi.

Okey-dokey.

BARTENDER: Anyway, man, so...

put me on.

Huh?

Put... me... on.

I'm trying to get like you, you know.

- I need this sh*t.
- MAN: Order up. Let's go, now.

Yes, sir, it'll be right up.

(BARTENDER MUMBLING)

Okay, that was... weird.

Man, that sh*t be happening all the time now, man.

It's kind of cool.

You know? 'Cause people recognize you.

ALFRED: Yeah, man, that's overrated.

Nah. I don't think it is 'cause, like,

I'm always getting stunted on.

I would love to be the person who can stunt on somebody.

You can stunt on anybody you want.

Hey, man, sh*t. Look, welcome to Atlanta.

Man, all you need is some money.

I don't even think it's that.

I once bought a homeless person a McDonald's meal.

He threw it away right in front of me.

Stunted on right there.

ALFRED: Look, trust me, man.

This town run off stunting on people.

Them streaming checks come in yet?

- Monday.
- It's gonna be good, right?

It's gonna be less than you expected,

but more than I was, so...

Oh. Coolio 'cause I need that money, yo.

I feel you.

I feel... I feel everything.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- ♪ Where tiny men have been absorbed... ♪

(DOOR CLOSES)

VAN: Hey, babe.

EARN: Hey. What's up?

Mm. I love how you send all your important mail to my house.

Yeah. That's love. I trust you.

(VAN CHUCKLES)

You're not gonna believe what happened today.

What happened today?

VAN: You know how we've been trying

to go to this Beyoncé concert?

This heifer Kristina goes out and buys herself a VIP ticket.

♪ She asked me who d*ed... ♪

That means we can't sit together.

And not everybody can afford

extra dollars for a f*cking VIP ticket.

And she's like, "Well, maybe I can meet all y'all afterwards.

Maybe."

She stunted on you.

She stunted on me.

Well, you know what? This weekend...

Mm-hmm.

we're doing it big. I'm calling it.

- No more Mr. Nice Earn.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, seriously.
- Okay, Diddy.

The stunters have become the stunted.

- All right, all right.
- Yeah.

- Puff Daddy.
- Look at this.

Puff Zaddy.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- sh*t.
- Oh, my God.

- You're gonna get us robbed.
- (LAUGHS)

Hey, what up, boy?

- Hey! Paper Boi in the house.
- Hey, what's going on, man?

- What's good, man?
- Good to see you.

- That's my boy, Darius, man.
- Hey, Darius. What it do?

Aw, we got a hugger, man. Nice to meet you.

- How you doing, man?
- Hey, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

CLARK: Yo, that's my boy, Boogz, right there.

- Hey, what up, man?
- What up, man? How y'all doing?

Squad up in here, man, that's my right-hand man.

(LAUGHING): Wait a minute... Them the Tubs?

Aw, what you looking at, this?

- You must be looking at this, man.
- ALFRED: Come on, man.

Yo, Tub dubs. My mom, she used to work

- in the government.
- (LAUGHING): What?

Yeah, she got 'em to me before they stopped making 'em,

so, kind of like a little good luck charm.

Wow.

CLARK: Yeah, man.

But, yo, we're working on some hot tracks right now.

You trying to, you trying to hop in a couple of tracks, man?

ALFRED: Oh, yeah?

We could get a couple verses in.

Come on, man. We might as well.

Oh, yeah, man. Well, I got to get in the zone first, man.

- Yep. - I got to, like, smoke and sh*t. You hear me?

CLARK: Nah, I feel you, totally, bro...

Yeah, I rolled a blunt, man.
You-you trying to hit this?

CLARK: Man, that sounds dope,

but I don't, I don't really smoke.

- No?
- Nah, I got to keep my voice right.

But, hey, thanks, man.

Yeah, man, I-I hear you.

All right, well, that's why I brought this Hen, though.

- You know what I'm saying? (LAUGHS)
- DARIUS: Yeah, boy.

You trying to get in on this, I know, right?

Man! You brought the Hen, that's dope!

I know you trying to get in on this, my n*gga.

Hey, that's what's up, man. I don't really drink.

We got bottles here for y'all, though.

But I don't really drink like that.

- That's lit, though, man.
- Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, man, yo. Do your thing, man.

Get in your zone. I'm about to lay down something, dude.

Play that one.

Yo, Clark is pretty cool, man.

- Yeah.
- Nice guy.

Yeah, I know.

CLARK: Hey, yo, start it after the chorus.

- ENGINEER: Okay, got you, bro.
- Yeah, track get me hype.

(COUGHS)

ALFRED (CHUCKLES): It's dope.

(DARIUS CHUCKLES)

(CLARK HUMMING)

Yo.

♪ Walk it, walk it, walk it like a bird, bird, bird ♪

♪ Talking to the plug like ♪

♪ What's the word, word, word? ♪

♪ Swerve, swerve, swerve ♪

♪ Off the curb, curb, curb ♪

♪ Hennessy plus the herb,
plus the herb, herb, herb ♪

♪ Yo, I just bought a dinosaur like Nicolas Cage. ♪

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Uh...

hey, what happened? Hey, what's going on?

ENGINEER: Hey, sorry, man.

The program just crashed or something.

CLARK: The program just crashed?

ENGINEER: I just got to up... we got to update, probably.

- Okay.
- ENGINEER: I'm sorry, man.

It just... yeah, it just crashed.

Dude, don't crash it again, dude.

ENGINEER: Yeah, that's my bad.

- CLARK: Yeah, it's your bad.
- It just crashed, so...

Dude, if it crashes again,

I'm gonna crash my foot in your ass.

Fix that sh*t, okay?

ENGINEER: Yeah, that's-that's my bad. You know...

Hey, yo, Al, man. You fucks with that, man?

- Dude, that was...
- That sh*t was dope to me, man.

Boy, you're a strapping young lad.

- It's good, man.
- CLARK: Hey, man.

I appreciate you, Darius.

- You got that, man.
- Yo, it's the gift, bro.

Like, I was just freestyling off the top, right?

And then I just got into this different world, man.

I don't even remember what I said, to be real, man.

I felt that, man.

Hopefully, I can recreate it, you know,

um, after I listen to it because the engineer did his job.

He recorded it, right?

Yeah, we got that. I'm just double-checking

- that it's there, you know?
- Right, right.

- What's up?
- Yo.

- You need to stop playing, dawg. Okay?
- Man, I'm not...

- I'm not playing. It's...
- Hey, yo, Boogz, it's cool, man.

'Cause it's all love, right?
Hey, man, I love you, bro.

I wouldn't hurt you. I'd never put a hand on you.

ENGINEER: I know that.

Just don't f*ck up

because I'm not the only one with hands in this world.

You know what I'm saying?

ENGINEER: Yeah, man.
(SIGHS) I love you, too.

- Let's do this.
- Yeah, hey, stop talking.

Damn, this place is kind of nice.

Yeah, and it serves alcohol.

'Cause, you know, when you're drunk,

the one thing you want to do is sit in a chair for two hours.

- Yeah, totally.
- Yeah.

- May I help you?
- Yeah, uh, can I get, uh,

two tickets for Fast & Furious?

Oh, regular or VIP?

- What does VIP get you?
- It doesn't matter. Two VIPs.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry,

but I can't take a bill that large.

It's all right, um... just use my debit.

Mm-hmm. Uh, can I see an ID or a driver's license?

Thank you.

Okay. I got to make a copy of these every time we swipe it,

so, um, are you good on tickets?

You got to make a copy every time you swipe?

Yeah, I know it's crazy.
It's a new policy, though.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, I don't want a bunch of copies of my debit card

and my driver's license all around, you know?

What if somebody steals it?

- We're not responsible for that.
- VAN: You know what?

It's fine 'cause I have cash. I could just pay with it.

No, it's fine. Um, it's okay, we'll...

We'll figure something else out. It's fine. Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Babe, it's fine. I can pay.

No, it... This place feels weird to you, right?

- It feels kind of strange.
- Yeah. It's a weird policy.

Yeah, yeah. And when did they even start doing that?

$ . .

What?

That's a hund... Hold on right there.

Excuse me, sir.

I-I know you don't know me,

but I just tried to pay with a hundred, and they told...

Wow. Okay, let's-let's get out of here. Yeah.

Thanks very much.

♪ Gray love ♪

♪ Hungover Sunday love ♪

♪ Come over, no, stay, love... ♪

I told you not to use the $ bill.

Why? It's legal U.S. tender.

Nobody uses cash like that anymore.

What are you, Gucci Mane? Come on.

I should be able to use a $ bill, okay?

What happened to us was r*cist.

- It was weird.
- No, it was racism.

- (LAUGHS)
- Textbook.

I caught that lady red-handed.

- You can't say that.
- Say what?

Red-handed. Like, red skin.

Like, Native Americans 'cause they're always stealing.

- Is that where that's from?
- Yeah, what's wrong with you?

I didn't even know. I didn't even know that.

- I... Damn.
- (LAUGHS)

♪ Come over, no, stay, love... ♪

You're f*cking with me. That's not funny.

- That's not funny.
- It's funny.

- No.
- It's funny.

(LAUGHS)

It sounds real.

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

I don't think that's where it comes from.

Oh, my God.

Hey, man.

I see you out here getting that endorsement money. (CHUCKLES)

- I need some of that sh*t.
- Hell yeah.

That Yoo-hoo commercial.

- That sh*t fire, boy. "Yoo-hoo!"
- (LAUGHTER)

Thanks, man.

The commercials pay really well, too.

You got to get on that, Paper Boi.

Man, I don't know, man.

I ain't got the image for that sh*t like you do.

What you mean? (CLEARS THROAT)

They got him for the, uh, what's that, the rap snack?

Rap Snacks.

- Aw, man.
- The chips?

- Yeah, man.
- That-That's dope.

Yeah, man, they wanted to give me my own flavor called

- Cocaine White Cheddar or some sh*t, man.
- There you go.

- But I passed on that, man.
- Huh?

Look, I wanted that Fast and the Furious soundtrack,

but, uh, I ain't get it.

Then I found out that your ass got it, though.

Yeah, yeah. I got it. Yeah.

I mean, most of these majors' stuff, they don't...

They don't look out for black folks like that.

They don't put us on like that.

There's only one spot for n*gg*s,

and I got to get it, so you know how that go.

Yeah, but how you be getting that sh*t, though?

My manager, Luke. He hooks it all up, man.

He has all the connections with all the major brands.

He really does his job really well, man.

If you want to talk to anybody,

just holler at Luke. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Got some waters for you guys.

Oh, thanks, bro.

- Yeah, of course.
- I appreciate it, man.

Yo, pull up the "King of Diamonds" joint.

- All right.
- The preset's still up, right?

I'm not sure.

Let me know when you're sure, okay?

I'm not playing with you today, okay?

It's me and Paper Boi, man. Come on, man, come on.

- Don't waste our time, bro.
- I got you.

You-you got me.

How much we got, man? Fifty thou?

Ha, $ , on me. (LAUGHS)

Who are you on the phone with? I see you.

Why you ain't bring no girls?

- I was calling my accountant, n*gga.
- Hey!

(LAUGHTER)

No, it's just, it's f*cking amaz...

It crashed again.

Hey, yo, Boogz, I'm gonna go for a walk real quick,

all right, man?

Y'all should go home.

- Oh, okay. (GRUNTS)
- Yeah, man.

I was on my way out anyway, you know what I mean.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- Good luck with your track, bro.
- Thanks, man.

- Appreciate it. Yep.
- Stay woke.

I'm gonna just take this, man, 'cause it's, like, half full.

- Oh, yeah, I-I got it, man.
- Yep, you got this.

We got it, we got it.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

If you break it down, hookah kind of sounds like something

the tobacco industry created for six-year-olds.

You know what I'm saying? Like... fruit-flavored smoke.

You're not supposed to breathe it in, you know that?

- You're not supposed to inhale?
- Thank you.

- No, Grandpa.
- Now I really hate it.

I got to pat you down, bro.

Sure, yeah. All right.

You're good, you're good, bro.

$ for dudes, bro.

All right. $ ?

$ for dudes, bro.

There, you have a good night, man.

- Thanks.
- Picture ID.

See?

You're not gonna tell me it's not cute.

I thought I'd see more Middle Eastern people here.

It's kind of weird.

Thank you.

Okay, so, which flavor do you like?

'Cause mint is good, but you can mix them.

I'm not really a mint guy.

- I don't like how it feels in my mouth.
- Oh, my God.

Especially with smoke...

You have the palate of a three-year-old.

Untrue. I...

Sir, did you just pay with that $ bill outside?

Uh... yeah?

Well, that $ bill was fake.

- You need to come with us.
- What? What do you mean?

That bill you used was fake. Let's go.

Are you sure it was mine?

You're the only one who's paid with a $ bill.

- Let's just go.
- All right.

You see? Right there.

There's the watermark.

No, no. You did that.

I did that?

What do you...?

No, man... just-just get another hundred to compare it.

There are no other hundreds in the bar.

Do you got one of those...

one of those pens that you can mark it with?

Of course not.

(SCOFFS)

How do you even know it's fake?

I know, okay?

Here. Try and rip it up.

What?

What are you talking about? That makes no sense.

I'm not falling for your tricks.

You know what?

It's fine. Just... Just give me the...

Give me the money back. I-I'll leave.

Yeah, but you already came inside.

You still need to pay.

Hurry up!

Oh, my f*cking God.

Hey.

We all know that the bill was real,

but the owner was tripping.

Sorry about that.

That was definitely r*cist.

Yeah, what the f*ck? This is supposed to be

a celebration, man.

Yeah, I know.

Let's just get some food.

No, no, no.

I know where we're going.

Where we gonna go?

I'm going somewhere where people definitely know

how to treat someone with money.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah. A'ight, a'ight.

A'ight, man. Bet.

(LAUGHS) Hey, man.

Earn headed to the strip club.

You want to go slap some butts?

Nah, but I'll watch.

Huh... all right. Get dressed, n*gga.

Earn trying to stunt tonight.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. That reminds me.

I got this brand-new all-white suit.

On a bitch. I'm-a throw that on.

You really want to wear all white to a strip club, n*gga?

You're right.

Tracy, you coming?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm ready.

Yeah, that's funny, you know that we don't...

- Oh, what the hell?
- g*dd*mn!

- No.
- That thing clean.

What y'all do, rob a prom?

Paper Boi, Paper Boi!

Hey, Vanessa.

- How are you?
- Hi, Alfred.

Y'all n*gg*s is drunk.

Do you like my big car?

I-I don't want to respond to that.

- That's weird.
- Hey, what's going on, man?

Thank you for shuttling us black people to Onyx.

- What the f*ck, man?
- No, this sh*t's gonna be tight, man.

Y'all stunting tonight.

We stunting tonight. Yeah.

All right, let's go.

♪ I tell all my hos, rake it up ♪

♪ Break it down, bag it up ♪

♪ f*ck it up, f*ck it up, f*ck it up, f*ck it up ♪

♪ Back it up, back it up, back it up ♪

♪ Rake it up, rake it up, rake it up... ♪

DJ: Yo! Fix your grill pieces.

Big baller alert!

We got Paper Boi in the building tonight, ladies.

Yeah, yeah, give it up for my man right there.

He's got his crew and a white girl on his arm.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Annie Hall.

Pink toe.

Let's get it popping.

Shorty's ass so fat on stage, look like a birth defect.

Oh!

♪ I said I'm that n*gga, bitch, I already know it... ♪

If there's anything I can get you, let me know.

Mm-hmm.

Your table does come with a bottle of your choice,

so let me know what I can get you.

- Hennessy Black.
- Uh, actually,

Van doesn't drink that, so tequila.

- Got you.
- You're right, you're right.

I mean, I'm gonna drink whatever you get.

Sure thing.

Uh, actually, uh, do you have change for a hundred?

They can help you at the bar. Come on.

I'll be back.

All right, man, cool.

Don't get lost in all this ass!

("I GET THE BAG" BY GUCCI MANE PLAYING)

(DISTORTED): ♪ Ha ♪

♪ It's Gucci ♪

♪ It's Drop Top ♪

♪ Wizop ♪

- ♪ Hoo ♪
- ♪ Skrrt ♪

♪ Yo... ♪

Hey.

Yoo-hoo!

♪ I get the bag and flip it and tumble it... ♪

Um, can you turn this hundred into ones?

Sure thing, papi. Uh, we take %

to change it out, and there's a $ minimum.

- %?
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

♪ They DM me ♪

♪ Drop the top when it's cold... ♪

Thank you.

- Have fun, baby.
- DJ: Yo, coming to the stage,

we got Bankhead Barbie.

You know her, you love her.

♪ They say the dope on fleek... ♪

DJ: Yo, man, don't just look at her, tip her.

♪ Them n*gg*s that flex in the back don't say nothin'... ♪

Man, where you going, my man?

I said, "Tip her."

Yeah, you, in that green jacket

and that wack-ass Coca-Cola T-shirt.

♪ My bitch, she walk around like she Kris Jenner ♪

♪ I used to break and then enter ♪

♪ Then Takeoff run 'em like the game of temple... ♪

Aw, come on, man, you can do better than that.

You just took $ out the ATM machine

from your PNC checking account.

n*gga!

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
- (AIR HORN BLOWING)

Coming to the stage, we ain't seen her a long time.

She been on house arrest for giving illegal butt injections,

give it up for Bankhead Barbie!

♪ Way above the ground... ♪

You want a dance, sweetheart?

Uh, no. But you can dance for my girl over there.

Okay.

(SONG ENDS)

Okay, honey, that'll be $ .

- Did you want me to keep going?
- That wasn't even three seconds.

You-you didn't even make it over there.

- Well, it's for a song.
- Need anything, boo?

Uh, we still haven't gotten our tequila.

Yeah, I was waiting on you guys to pay for it.

But it comes with the table.

Yeah, it comes with the table, so you have to buy one.

How much?

$ , love.

All right, um...

- Here.
- Okay.

I'll be back with the drinks.

You got any ones?

I want to give it to the girl on stage.

EARN: But she's so skinny, and she...

- she's not doing anything.
- VAN (GROANING): I know.

But I feel bad for her.

She seems new, and, like,

all the other girls are so pretty,

and she shouldn't have to compete.

(CHUCKLES) All right.

You got it. Pity dance.

I've never heard of that.

ALFRED (HIGH-PITCHED): "She looks new."

(LAUGHS) Man, that's Minnie.

Looking new her hook.

Yeah, she's been looking new for about damn ten years now, man.

(LAUGHS)

- Real talk?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well... it's working for her.

Hmm.

Hey, man.

Van told me about that $ bill sh*t.

Yeah, that sh*t was wack.

Yeah, well, you can't be going out spending $ bills, n*gga.

Why not?

It's legal U.S. tender.

Look at you, man.

You don't look like no damn dope boy.

I'd think that sh*t was fake, too.

- (LAUGHS)
- You told me the only thing I needed

- to run this city was money.
- Mm-mm.

Money is an idea, man.

Look, there's a reason that a white dude dressed just like you

can walk into a bank and get a loan,

and you can't even spend a $ bill, man.

I mean, you need to start acting like you're better

than other n*gg*s, and then they'll start treating you

- better than other n*gg*s.
- DARIUS: Yeah, 'cause otherwise,

- you're just another n*gga.
- Another n*gga.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Hey, look at Tracy ass over there, man.

He's been telling these hos all night that he's my manager.

Yo, man. We should hire her, yo.

- Yeah? Hey!
- There it is!

(ALFRED LAUGHS)

I don't even know why I'm here.

This place has been finessing me all night.

ALFRED: Duh, n*gga.

It's a strip club. That's what it's for.

Yep. It ain't like you're supposed to be

out here saving money.

ALFRED (MUMBLING): Yeah, ain't saving no money

- at no strip club.
- Yeah.

n*gga.

You okay?

Nah, I had fun.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

VAN: What's going on?

Yeah, Michael Vick out here racing people.

He taking bets, too.

Yeah, boy, yeah.

Is he... is he doing okay?

Oh, he fine.

It's just a good hustle.

Yeah. Drunk people just want to race him.

This his sixth race

in the ten minutes I've been standing here.

- That boy's good.
- MICHAEL: Anybody else?

Anybody?

MAN: Three-to-one odds.

It's fair.

I kind of want to see this.

I'll do it.

(CHEERING)

No, what, wait... what are you doing?

Sometimes you just got to stunt on people.

And also, I haven't run six races in ten minutes.

Should be good.

Let's make this quick.

(CHEERING)

HAT MAN: Oh, sh*t.

DJ: All right, all right, all right, fellas, fellas, fellas.

You know how we do it.

Let's get it going, let's get it going.

A'ight? On your mark.

Get set.

Go!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

It's Michael Vick.