02x05 - Barbershop S

No, I got, I got into it with the Mexicans, man.

I got to deal with some eses.

Huh? It ain't my fault I don't speak Spanish.

Yeah, I thought quince meant .

Well, what does she have on a wedding dress for?

Hey, sorry for being late, my man.

Commode in my house backed up

and my petty-ass girlfriend done hid all the plungers.

It's all good, man. It's-it's all good.

- What was that?
- What?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Yeah, I was answering you, man.

Oh, no, I'm on the phone, my man.

Okay, hold on, son.

Yeah, she said she ain't even trust me around rubber and wood.

Hid all the plungers.

What type of petty person do some sh1t like that?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So what we doing?

My man, what we doing?

Oh, nigga, I don't know when you talking to me, I'm sorry.

Um, the usual.

No. Course not.

She don't be thinking about nothing else, either.

With that fine ass, she gonna get it, though.

You know what I'm saying? It's all good.

When I get my income tax, I'm-a open my own shop

or-or I'm-a buy my own WNBA team, one of those...

- Yo, Bibby.
- Huh?

- Can we...?
- Hey, man, let me let you go.

I got somebody sitting in the chair.

Yeah, he's a little hostile. I got to jet. I'll let you go.

Yeah, it's gonna probably take me a little minute with this.

Yeah. All right, okay, I'm fine with it.

Junebug did what? You is bullshittin'.

- Bibby, man. If you don't... man...
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey, let me, let me let you go.

All right, Bubba, okay, cool.
All right. All right, man.

Sorry about that, man. So what'd you say we're doing today?

The usual, Bibby.

- All right, then, the usual it is.
- Yeah.

Hey. Let me ask you a question.
Did you see the news last night?

Them savages from Atlanta that went into that T-Mobile store,

drove they car in there,

- got away with about phones.
- Yeah, man. It's crazy out here.

I mean, it's-it's that time of year though, I guess.

Yeah. Crazy.

Hey, yo, and that reminds me, listen.

If you know somebody that needs a iPhone,

tell them to holla at me if they with T-Mobile.

- I got the hookup on the low.
- Got you, man.

- I appreciate that.
- All right.

So what we doing now?

(STAMMERS) Like I said, man, the usual.

All right, the usual, damn.

Usual, gonna have the usual.

You don't want to do nothing different?

No, man. Look, I got, I got a photo shoot coming up, man.

- So I just... want to look good.
- Oh!

Oh, you got a photo shoot coming up.

- Yeah, man. I mean...
- Oh, you Hollywood now, huh?

Nah, man. It's just a write-up for me in a magazine.

Yeah. My boy done went all Hollywood.

It's a write-up in a magazine,

and they want to take some pictures,

so that's-that's what I'm doing.

Hey, you dating Kim Kardashian now? That's what that is?

No, Bibby, man.

My boy done went straight Hollywood on me.

- That's good, though.
- It ain't no Hollywood, Bibby.

- I ain't going no Hollywood, man.
- Huh?

You know what, that reminds me, as a matter of fact,

I'm glad you brought that Hollywood sh1t up.

Me and my girl snuck in the AMC the other day, see a movie.

We was looking at the movie posters on the wall,

and guess how many movie posters they got on there

with black people on them.

- Guess!
- One.

- Zero!
- Zero.

It's sad, man.

Key and Peele put a movie out with a cat in it,

they put the cat on the poster.

They dressed the cat up like a nigga instead of

putting two niggas that made the movie on the poster.

So was it a cat in a suit or just looked like a nigga?

It was... You know, you know a cat,

what a, what a nigga cat look like!

Okay. All right, man. I got it.

- It's f*cked up. I know.
- It is.

sh1t's nuts out here. I'm glad somebody agree with me.

See, that's why I like you. You smart.

Smarter than a lot of them. Why I like you.

Oh, you got somewhere to be?

- Yes! Bibby, man. Yeah, I said that, man.
- Oh, sh1t, my bad.

- Hey, I didn't know. My bad. Hey.
- Just...

- Hey, no big deal, baby.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

No big deal. You should've said that.

- All right, man. We good.
- I'll get you squared away.

- Oh, sh1t. Don't worry about that.

Don't worry. That ain't nothing.

Yeah, I got the cut, the usual. Uh-huh.

Get you ready for Hollywood.

That reminds me, hey, did you see that basketball player

that hit all them people at the club in that invisible car?

- That sh1t on YouTube.
- Yeah, man.

- I-I know about it.
- That is the funniest vi...

You got to see this sh1t. I got to show you this.

- Yeah, man.
- sh1t here is funny.

But I ain't got to, I ain't got to, I already...

Uh-uh. You got to watch this.

You need to watch this, trust me.

- Yeah, watch that right quick.

I'm-a use the bathroom, though.

- Man, where you go...?
- Let me just...

Hey, Bibby, man. Somebody...

Somebody calling your phone, bruh.

Raindrops, peach emoji?

Hello? What you doing?

Uh-uh. Don't do that. Don't go through that. Hello?

Baby, baby, baby, what is you yelling for?

I'm on my way! I'm ten minutes...

I'm on right now, I promise.

Promise to God, I'm on !

All right, I'm-a be there. Cool. sh1t.

Oh, boy.

- What are, what are you doing?
- Leaving.

Leav...? Man, Bibby, you can't leave me here

with half a haircut, man.

Look at this sh1t, man. Come on now!

It's cool 'cause you coming with me.

- Come on.
- Bibby, I ain't going...

Man, I ain't going nowhere till my hair get cut, bruh.

Come on, man. Listen, my girl stay

five minutes around the corner. I'll cut you over there.

- We'll be right back.
- Why, man?

We already in a barbershop, bruh.

Hey. I know you don't want nobody else in here

to cut your hair for your billboard, do you?

You trying to go to Hollywood now.

You want to be on the poster or you want the cat on the poster?

- A'ight, man.
- Come on now. Yeah, so...

- Come on.
- sh1t, man!

- All right, let's go.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We got to go out the back, man.

Them people, them people be out there. Just come on this way.

We ain't going out the front?

Oh, goddamn.

Hey, fam, what your cable situation looking like?

- What?
- Yeah, your cable.

'Cause, listen, I'm with Clear Cable now.

I'm working with them on the side.

So if you sign up with me, I'll make sure you're taken care of.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- I'm straight, Bibby.

Well, fine. Do this for me, then.

Take these business cards, pass them out at your show

or take them to a studio or something.

Throw them at the crowd, whatever you got to do.

Make sure you pick up my loosies, though,

'cause them ain't cheap.

"Klear Cable." With a "K."

Clever, right?



I'm good, man.


Hey. Yo, my man. Hey.
Where your mom at, boy?

Where your...? Oh, baby, I'm here!

You a hour late. Come on, Omari.

Hour late? What you talking about?

Let's go. We're going. Let's go.

- Come on.
- Wait, baby. Calm down. Calm down.

Bibby, I ain't got time for this.

- Move!
- Baby, I'm here now. What you doing?

- This ain't none of my fault.
- Whose fault is it?

It's his fault!

You always got some type of excuse, man!

No, this not no excuse this time.

Seriously, this is his fault.

He called me, talking about his car was broke down.

You know what I'm talking about? And I was on my way home to you.

I had told him. He said, could I help him.

I was like, "Nah, I got to go do the right thing."

You know what I'm saying?

But he start crying and stuff.

Talking about his engine.

Yeah, he had queef engine or something like that.

And his carburetor had jaundice.

So I then had to go and pick him up off the side of the road.

'Cause only reason why I did that

is 'cause of all that Jesus stuff you've been teaching me.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Mm-hm.

You're supposed to help.

- What would Jesus do?
- Why he wearing a cape?

He a magician! How I supposed to know?

Listen, baby, look. Look, now.

I'm trying to do the right thing.

I only did this 'cause of you.

You've been trying to get my life right.

It's been 'cause of you I'm doing this.

I wouldn't even help the nigga had it not been for you.

That's why I even came over here to tell you.

I wanted to thank you for all the stuff...

You-You done changed my life. Thank you, baby.

- Hurry up.
- Thank you.

Come on, baby. Here.

My man, come on, let's get it. Let's go.

I ain't got all day.

Oh... hey. I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to my man. Come on, bro.

Bibby, man, I know you kidding me with this sh1t.

I know you ain't just gonna cut his hair

after driving me around damn creation, man!

Listen, I know, but he had an appointment, though.

- Nigga, so did I!
- That's true.

But, technically, his was before yours.

Know what I'm sayin'? Just calm down, man.

We gonna be here five minutes. He... he just need a line.

- Go on, Bibby, man! sh1t!
- Thank you, man.

Come on now. It's all good.

Five more minutes.

All right, little man. There you go.

- MARY: Bibby!
- What?

The water's not running.

I thought you said you paid the bill.

I did pay the bill!

Well, I guess I'm imagining things, huh?

Thought I paid that bill.

You're a magician?


That's what Bibby said.

- Well, Bibby's an idiot.
- That's mean.

Can you show me a trick?

Little man. I just told you I wasn't a magician, okay?

What's wrong with your hair?

Are you sick or something?

- The hell?
- That was your trick?

MARY: And now the power?!

- Bibby, you said you paid that!
- I did pay it, baby.

You know Donald Trump and them biz out here.

The devil always trying to steal our j...

You did not just steal from me.

This for the boy haircut!

I got to go, baby. God bless you now.

- Bibby.



This nigga! sh1t!

Hey, man.

Sorry about all that.

You know how crazy these hos can get.

Hey, guess I'm staying with my other woman tonight, you know...

Bibby, man, just take me back to the shop, all right?

I ain't playing with you, Bibby.

Okay, all right. All right.

You must be starving though, right?

Hell yeah, man.

My whole day been f*cked up so far. Yes.

Good. Let me get you something to eat. It's the least I can do.

- I'm-a take care of you.

Take you right back to the shop after that.

We're gonna eat. Hey, you like Zaxby's?

Nigga, don't be rude.

- Of course I love Zaxby's.
- I got you.

Thank you.

Talking 'bout. sh1t.


- Yeah.
- Nigga, what the f*ck is this?

Come on, man, you know I dabble in construction

from time to time. Come on, you got to eat!

Nigga, this ain't no restaurant!

You coming or not? Come on!

Here we go.


Nigga, these your leftovers?

No! I mean, I did eat the chicken wings. And the sauce.

And part of that bread. But them chicken tenders right there,

that's all you, my man.

Take me back to the shop, now, 'cause I swear,

you keep playing with me, Bibby,

and I'm-a f*ck you up, all right?

Listen. You the one said you was hungry.

I was just trying to help you out,

but we can go back to the shop.

Thank you. Let's go, man.

Hey, yo, just help me get this lumber

- in the back of my truck...
- Man, f*ck that, man!

Finish my hair!

Man, help me get this lumber. I promise,

the faster we do this, the faster I can cut your hair.

I'm taking you right back to the shop after this, I promise.

Just help me load this up. I promise!

f*ck, man!

Nigga, three? You better pick up five.

- Use your back, too, bitch.
- I don't have that many muscles.

Come on, man.

Perfect. Just got one more bundle, my man.


Hey, yo, Al, let's go, man.

What do you think you're doing? You stealing my lumber?

- What the... What are you, uh...
- Hey, ma'am, calm...

What the hell do you think you're doing on my property?

- Ma'am, calm down.
- You're trespassing.

I know, ma'am. Just calm down. Listen.

No, I will not calm down.
Who the hell are you?

Listen, I work for the contractors

that's building the house, right?

I loaned ya'll this lumber as collateral.

- And then ain't nobody paid us...
- I'm calling the cops.

- Bibby.
- Don't call the... Listen.

All that ain't necessary, ma'am.

I had to reconfiscate this wood

'cause ain't nobody paid me my money.

So, you should speak to your husband,

- so we can get paid.

Oh, I will call my husband, and then the police.

Well, do it then, beige lady! Call 'em!

Hey! You son of a bitch.

We're gonna sue you!

Sue! But you need to talk to your husband,

'cause we ain't had no contracts, 'cause he cheap.



That's my wood!

Hey. You don't think she called the police, do you?

I'm still on probation, nigga, so I hope the f*ck not.

Nah, she ain't call 'em.
We all right. It's all good.

Do I even have to say it, Bibby?

- We should probably...
- Should probably head back to the shop.

- Just head on back to the shop, yeah.
- Right? That's right.

I'm-a take you right on back, get you cut up real quick.

I got you, Paper Boi.

- Oh, hell no!
- What the...?


Bibby, goddamn it, man!
What are you doing?!

- It's all good. It's all good.
- f*cking toothpicks, man. sh1t!

How you gonna do that when I got no seat belt on, nigga?

My bad. You should wear your seat belt at all times.

Yeah, no sh1t. Why is your sh1t...?

- Yeah, that's the only thing.
- Man, Bibby...

(GRUNTS) f*ck it.

Oh, yeah, that one don't work good.



Look, Pops...

Hey, tell me they just kidnapped you.

I know good and goddamn well you ain't out here

skipping school again.

Tell me you're not skipping school again.

- I'm sorry, Pops!
- Nah, don't be sorry.

- sh1t.
- Don't be sorry now.

You think I work hard at these three jobs

so you can walk around town with your little nigglet friends,

skipping school all day?

I work hard, man.

But y'all think y'all grown, don't you? Huh?

Well, since y'all grown, please tell me you put up

the street team posters I gave you today.

Man, we put up a couple.

- I beg your pardon?
- We put up a couple!

- Come again, say what?
- We put up a couple!

Give them to me. Give them to me.

Man, y'all barely made a dent!

You had one thing to do today.

We ain't gonna never get this $ now.

And I trusted you to do this for me.

You little niggas ain't sh1t, man.

That's all right, though.

'Cause I got somebody here for you, matter of fact.

Hey, yo, Alfred!

The hell you want, Bibby?

Hey! Come inspire the youth!

- Man, I ain't in this!
- Alfred, this is my son.

Yo, is that, is that Paper Boi?

Yeah, that's right. That is Paper Boi.

And I brought him up here to inspire y'all,

since y'all don't listen to me.

Hey, yo! How come you don't look fresh?

- Excuse me?
- You don't look fresh or famous.

Y-Your hair is raggedy as sh1t. Damn!

You out here looking like a Super Saiyan.

Your hair is f*cked up, man.

Like, damn. Oh, sh1t.

What the f*ck did you do to his hair, yo?

- Lamar. Not right now. Not right now.
- Pops. Pops.

Not right now.


You know why it's f*cked up? Hey.

You know why it's f*cked up?

'Cause your crazy-ass daddy was supposed

to cut my damn hair, a'ight?

And what the hell it matter anyway, nigga?

I'm a regular-ass person.

I need to get my hair cut sometimes.

Famous people need to eat and sh1t

and brush their goddamn teeth!

I'm regular, bruh, all right?

Yo, so, um... can you put me on?


I got a fire mixtape. (SCOFFS)

I'm like Lonzo Ball.

It's actually pretty good.

I'm done, man. Yup.

I'm done, bruh. That's it.

We done!

We done. I'm going back to the shop,

cut his hair 'cause that's what grown people do...

Yo, Lamar! Man, get your ass in the car.

- Come over here.
- Bibby, let's go, man!

We... Come on, let's go.

Take y'all asses to school!

- Pops, I said I was sorry.
- What? Hey! My man,

you don't have to be sorry to me at all.

You can save that. I don't care at all.

Hey, you got to explain that to your mama.

- Please do not tell Mama. God!
- (LAUGHS) Don't tell your mama?

Well, I'm calling her right now.

She got to know. sh1t, she the one wanted you.


- Do you have minutes?
- What?

- I know. The kids these days, right?
- The road, man...

- The road, Bibby.
- I got this. Yeah. See?

- Now you got Paper Boi mad.
- Bibby, the road, man.

- Why don't you go straight?
- Yeah. I got this!

Nigga, if you kill me, I swear to God,

- I'm-a f*ck you up, boy.
- It's all good. I got this.

Oh, that's it. Him asking me for favors,

you know what I'm talking about?

- Can you watch the road?
- These kids these days.

I ask you for favors all the time.

You don't know nothing about nothing!

Huh. sh1t.

"Son, can you take the trash out?"

- Bibby.
- Huh?

- The road, bruh.
- I-I'm fine.

- Damn. "Son, could you please stop skipping school?"
- Bibby.

- "Son, could you not jack off with my good lotion?"
- Bibby.

- Oh, really? Right in front of Paper Boi?
- That kind.

- Simple. Simple...
- Bibby. Bibby!


- Bibby, man... f*ck!
- Okay. Hey, everybody all right?

Lamar, you good?

- Nigga, man...
- I'm fine.

Man, I got weed in my f*cking pockets, Bibby!

It's okay. Okay. Everybody good.

- Everybody good.
- Get the f*ck off me, man.

All right. It's good.
Everything good. Hey, listen.

Hey, y'all, this what we gonna do.

Hey, hop in the driver's seat right quick.

- Nigga, what?
- I got warrants, man.

- Hop over here right quick.
- f*ck you, man!

I'm on probation, man!

- Get his ass up here!
- I don't have a license.

It's okay. Hey, it's all good.

- It's all good. We good.
- Oh, my God.

BIBBY: We good. We good. Listen, see?

The driver's still good.

They mobile, at least.

Everything fine. We gonna be all right.


Oh, sh1t.

- Oh, goddamn it.
- Nah. Nah, f*ck that.

- What you doing?

ALFRED: What?! Ah, Bibby, man!




Get out, skipper.

Damn, with you skipping school.

You know, for the record, I never wanted you.

Yo, Alfred!

Hey, Al, let's get you that haircut, baby.

Anybody else pee a little bit when we had that wreck?

Just me?

Hey, yo, Al, listen.

Hey, sorry about the hit-and-run thing,

but you know I can't go back to jail, baby.

I just can't do it.
I don't weigh enough.

You know, I'll be somebody girlfriend immediately in jail.

I don't f*ck with no jails.

Just passing by the Atlanta pen make my boy-hymen hurt.


Smooth, what's good, baby?

Oh, no, baby. I ain't busy.

You should've been called me.
I got that on me right now.

No, I'll bring it to you right now. Don't be ridiculous.

I'm on my way. I'll be right over there.

Yeah, I'm on my way. No big deal.

Hey. I left something in my truck.

Let's get you that haircut.


All righty.

My man. There you go.

See, no problem. Looking good.


My dawg.

Hey, um, you forgot to pay me.

ALFRED: Nigga, you got to be f*cking kidding me.

Nah. You haven't paid me.

(SCOFFS) You know, you dragged me out of here,

ruined my whole goddamn day,

you almost got me in trouble with the f*cking cops,

and then you almost killed me with your goddamn driving, man.

Ruined? Nigga, we had a good day today.

I took you to mentor to some kids. You're welcome.

And then we-we ate at that white lady house.

And then we hit that Asian lady from the back,

you know what I'm talking about.

Then we came back up here, I cut your hair.

I know good and goddamn well he ain't drop my money.

No tip?

This ain't like the other ones where, you know,

they just put three random movies together, like Kazaam

or, you know, Glitter or Leprechauns in the Hood.

I'm talking about you need these, cuz.

Hey, my man, Paper Boi!

Good. You right on time, fam. I ain't know you was coming.

Sit on down.

- Yo, what's up, man?
- What up?

- What we doing today?
- ALFRED: Yeah, man.

Let me get a... temple fade.

- How low?


Or a three?


a tw...

No, man, a...