01x01 - P-I-Pilot

I found it! I found the coupon!

Okay, team, in three minutes, this 50%-off-breakfast coupon becomes a 0%-off-breakfast coupon, so buckle up.

[Door closes]

[Sighs] What is it, Ray?

Why must it always be like this?

There is no way we can make it there in three minutes.

The place is 10 minutes away.

[Engine starts]

Is that a challenge?

No, not a challenge.

I believe you can do it. Don't show me.

[Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" plays]

[Tires screech]

[Scoffs] 10 minutes.

♪ Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen ♪
♪ Pour myself a cup of ambition ♪
♪ And yawn and stretch... ♪

Yeah, construction. Evade.

[Tires screech]

♪ Jump in the shower, and the blood starts pumpin' ♪
♪ Out on the street, the traffic starts jumpin' ♪
♪ With folks like me on the job from 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

Mmm. Hazelnut.

Nice, right?


♪ What a way to make a livin' ♪
♪ Barely gettin' by ♪

Not a lane! Not a lane!

Not a lane!

♪ They just use your mind ♪

Hey! Whoa! What's the matter with you?!

If you would put oil in it beforehand, you wouldn't be in the middle of the road!

You better listen to the little girl.

Do you want to be behind the van or under it?

Do you want to be under the van?

♪ ...for service and devotion ♪
♪ You would... ♪

[Radar gun beeps]

[Siren wails]

Not her.

[Wailing stops]

Life's too short.

♪ 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

And here we are.

[Tires screech]

♪ I swear, sometimes, that man is out... ♪

Excuse me.

There's no handicapped placard on your car.

Do you expect me to walk from all the way over there to just...

I'm sorry, love. You were saying?

Something about difficulty walking?

She got difficulty walking, darling.


Oi! Oi!

Yeah, hello.

Now, these... these need a bit of a tune-up, but he's all there upstairs, and he's got a thing about staring.

That's the finger.

Work in progress.

Ray: H-E-R-E...

"Here." Why are we here?

I don't know.

Maybe she got a coupon for a crack house.


I-T... "It"...

S-U... "sucks."

It sucks.

So negative, Ray. You haven't even seen the place.

No, JJ said it.

Of course you didn't, did you, sweetheart?


Now, I know you're wondering why we're here.

Well, we're moving!

What? To here?


Their high school just laid down a $2 million track.

I'm sorry. Moving? Changing schools again?

This will be the sixth school in two years.

We're moving because I found the perfect situation for your brother.

It is a plain old class with a full-time aide, someone who's gonna be by your side, reading from your board wherever you go... a voice.

No more special ed. Brilliant, right?

It's awesome, but Newport Beach is crazy expensive.

Son, are you familiar with the phrase, "Pick the worst house in the best neighborhood"?

Let's take the tour.

It's right next to the freeway.

No, it's close to the freeway.

[Train rumbling]

It's right next to the train!

The deck...

[Door creaks]

...was located here.

So you're gonna want to avoid the deck area.

Knock on it.


It's a cell tower. lt is.

Yeah, it is.

Like 30 bars. I can call God.



Yeah, of course an aide will help you talk to girls.


Oh. [Laughs] Yeah.

Hey, Ray, JJ says we should try and get an aide for you, too.

[Both laughing]


[Television playing indistinctly]

Something up?

Uh, let's take a ride.

We'll go watch the cars.

Ray: I don't want to move, and I can't watch Mom get disappointed again.

She thinks it's gonna fix everything, but it won't, and we'll be on to the next perfect place.

[Tires screech]

Oh, nice one!

[Chuckling] Oh, awesome!

You know that. Why don't you say anything?

'Cause your mom believes, and I love her for it.

I'm not gonna take that away from her.

[Sighs] Look, I get it.

You're doing great in school.

You've got your friend next door, who sucks, by the way... hard.

That kid sucks hard.

You're just...

Hold on.

[Tires screech]

And there goes the muffler!

That is glorious.

[Sighs] All right, how about this?

We've got the old house for a couple of weeks.

I was gonna go there and pack.

What if I don't, and if the new place doesn't work out, we just go home?

Oh, my God.

I get to be right, and you get to be lazy.

Those are our favorite things.


[Tires screech]

Oh, saw sparks on that one. So, so cool.

Everybody wants to drive around with a fat guy.

Wrong hill, pal!

Okay, let's go get JJ a voice.

Gonna miss you, bro.

You're leaving a lot of ass on the table.

I'm gonna miss having someone else around who cares about astronomy.

But, dude, you're my wingman.

If you're not talking me up, I'm not sure I'd get that Sophia at that party last week.

I-I did.

We were all like... Aaahhhh.

And... And then, we...



Unh. Unh. Unh [High-pitched voice] Unh! Unh! Unh! [Normal voice] Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!

JJ is so excited.

He's never had an aide speak for him before... just mum.

Suppose he is 16 now. It's time his voice changed.


Oh, yeah, no. That means he's laughing.

"Is my new voice guy cool?"

Well, it's a she, and...

JJ! Hello, sugar!

I cannot wait to be the ambassador for such a hip, young dude.

I hit the Urban Dictionary and got up on all the lingo.

I was thinking I'd call you J-Tizzy.

Oh, yeah, don't do that.

Maya: Look at this.

Didn't I tell you this place was gonna be great?

[School bell rings]

"Dad, I hate... this lady's voice."

Yeah, son, it's not great.

Oh, the DiMeos. Hello.

I'm Dr. Miller, your school principal, and we are so glad that you're here just in time for tonight's big school fair.

The theme is "inclusivity."

You said there wasn't gonna be a theme.

Well, you'll find we take great pride in our progressive and thoughtful environment.

In fact, we just changed the mascot from a Viking, with its connotation of pillaging and male sexual aggression, to a sea slug, which has both male and female genitalia.


Okay, then. Let's go to school, shall we?

Where's the wheelchair ramp?

Right. About that.

Bye, kids! Have a great day!

A garbage ramp?

It's not just a garbage ramp.

No, it's a garbage-and-my-son ramp.

No, according to the district, it's acceptable alternate access.

Oh, look, there's someone else on the acceptable alternate access now.

What disabled luminary is on his way to the Dumpster today?

Oh, my God!

It's space genius Stephen Hawking.

Enchanted, Professor. How are you?

What is this? Is this a play?

Kenneth, Mrs. DiMeo's son uses a wheelchair.

Can you assure her this is our normal disabled egress?

Sure, it is.

For a ball game last week, we pushed a sweet, crippled grandmother...

"Crippled"? Did you say "crippled"?

Oh, Kenneth. Sweet Kenneth.

Okay, crash course in basic human dignity.

Let's play a little game I like to call "Trash or Person?"

I'll start you off with an easy one.

Empty bag of manure... trash or person?


Um. I...

It's trash!

Trash. Of course it is.

Bottle... Drunk by a person.

Drunk by a person, but it's trash.

Trash or person? Trash!


[School bell rings]

Hey. Are you new? I'm Matt.

You seem great, Matt, but I'm just here for the day.

Are you, Dr. Miller, trash? Or are you a person?

I'm a...

You're a person, Dr. Miller.

Of course I am.

Of course you are a person.

Oh, Doctor.

Listen, here's what I think should happen...

No, I'll tell you what's going to happen.

You're gonna build a ramp in front.

Furthermore, I would like "Crippled" here to be cited for his language, which I think should be deemed hate speech.

Be it so deemed.

Look, Miss...

I enjoy your blind-side energy.

And speaking as the black man in Newport, a person who gets pulled over twice before he pulls out of the parking lot, the irony of being called intolerant is not lost on me.

Now, if you don't mind, I have a lot of work and a little bit of Lionel Richie to get back to.


I don't like him.

Nice to meet you, Blind Side.

He's here! He's here!


More, come on! Everybody stand!

Oh, God. He can't stand.

The ovation is insensitive! Everybody down.

Sorry. We're just excited.

We haven't had a student before who's... who has... who is taller sitting down than any of us are standing up.

We're done with the clapping!

Your classmates have something they want to share with you.


Zachary's cousin is deaf, so he gets it.


"Why? You don't know me."

Well, we don't have to. You're an inspiration.

So, what do you say, Mr. President?

He says, "Eat a bag of..."

He's flattered, and he'll think about it!

[Stopwatch beeps]

58 seconds! Dylan, are you kidding me?

That's amazing.

Thank you, Coach.

72 seconds!

Jackie, are you kidding me? Amazing!

Sorry, Coach. 72 seconds? That's not amazing.

Yeah, it stinks, but what we value here is doing your best, whatever that happens to be.



Trust me. When...

1:40. Emma, amazing!

Not amazing, Emma!

You're slow!

Sign my petition? Build a wheelchair ramp?

Sign my petition?

Come on. What... What is this, now?

I'm raising awareness.

Of the fact that you're nuts?

Oh, word's out. Awareness is high.

You are standing on the flowers I just planted.


I don't care.


Now, you... you're not gonna win.


These people know who you are.

They even had a big meeting about how to handle you.

Handle me? What do you mean?


They talked to some other school that you went off on.

Oh, what other school?

What, Lincoln?




El Modena?


Whitman? Marshall?

Fountain Valley?

Does the fact that this is taking so long tell you anything about your patterns?

Handle me, huh? Yeah, we'll see.

What can I say? The place seems great to me.



Sea Slug, office.

♪ ♪

Jillian: Can I help you?

Oh, sorry.

I was just looking for the astronomy club.

You found her. [Chuckles]

Care to join?




Uh, thank you?

♪ ♪

So, I told that principal, "I'm not staying anywhere that I'm not wanted... period."

Does that mean we're done here?

Nothing's official yet, Jennifer.

Check the contract.

We have you till 6:00.

What do we do? Do we go back?

No, we should stay. JJ gets an aide.

I mean, we could find someone better... maybe a guy with a cooler voice.

No offense.

No, I agree. May I go?

JJ's decided I sound like a fairy godmother.

He's asked me to turn a number of students into pumpkins.

Yeah, he hates this school.

He says his class wants to make him... president?

Fine. It's not for him... It's for me.

I like the school.


They have a planetarium with a girl in it who likes me.

This will never happen again.

Can you guys give it another shot?

JJ, help me out.

He says, "No...

But my mouse friends and I can make you a gown for the ball."

Is that really necessary?

Ray, come on.

We can't decide to stay just 'cause you met some girl.

No, of course not.

It's something I want, so who cares?

Forget what I said.

Let's move. On to the next mistake.

Where are you going?

The school fair.

No. They disrespected your brother.

They insulted me. You're not going to their fair.

But she asked me.

Look, can you just have my back without an argument, just once?

In which fight? Who can keep track?

All right, both of you, calm down.

I will not say "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo."

I don't think that adds anything to the conversation! - Yes, it does.

Ray, I may find the fights, but they start them.

I'm not going to apologize for taking care of your brother.

He got the right mum.

Yeah, he did.

Really? You... Go upstairs.

There's no upstairs here.

You... Go where your room is.

[Door closes]

I need some air.

I'm right, right? He's wrong.

I'm a little wet for this conversation.

You fight and fight to make sure JJ has a normal life.

Maybe he's not the only one who deserves that.


Towel. Maya, towel.

Maya, towel.

[Train whistle blows]

Ah. Good evening, commuters!

[Knock on door]



Oh, listen, I know you might want to stay here.

And I know that I do move you around a lot.

Well, come on, love.

[Both scream]

Where's Raymond?!

He went to the fair!

This was my idea. I need you to fire me.

You are fired!

I can't take it here!

You people are crazy!

You are fired!


Now, the center's gonna send you an evaluation.

Get out!

♪ ♪

[Siren wails]

No, no. That's her again.

♪ ♪

This looks fun.


Jimmy: Yep. There's Mom's car.

All right, one of you should run with me and stop Mom.

One of you should stay with the van.

Hmm. What might be a good division of labor?

Finger. Fair.

[Door opens]

You look nervous.

I'm not a big heights guy.

I'll keep you safe.

♪ ♪



Zane: Jill, what the hell?



There's a boyfriend?

He's my friend. Don't be mean.

Up, please.

Kenneth: ♪ Come on and sing my song ♪
♪ All... ♪ No! Come on!

This isn't a parking space.


Oh, I know whose kid you are.

What's up, man?

"You sound cool."

Well, of course I sound cool.

I am cool.

"Want a job?"

Are you hiring, Blind Side Jr.?


Oh, it bounces, too?!

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Hello, love.


Try it out? Sure.

"I don't want applesauce."

I don't care for it much myself.

Okay, uh, "Stop leaning on my wheelchair."

What if it was more of a, uh, "Back off, jackass"?


"Do I look like a mailbox to you?"


I'm kind of liking this act.

Shall we take it out on the road?

All I wanted to do was stay in one place for, like, a minute.


Oh, and you should make all our decisions.

I mean, you are the adult, after all... I am the child.

I don't think that.

You said I wasn't allowed to get a dog.

It's a big responsibility!

You don't know everything, little boy.

Do you realize, before you ran away, I came to tell you that I gave up on this place too soon?

You were going to apologize?

Oh, must we put a label on it?

Look, yes, JJ gets a lot of my attention.

Maybe it's because he needs me, and maybe it's because you're so damn sure that you don't.

But I hear you, Ray, I do.

And I love you.

And if you don't feel that every minute, then I'm not doing my job properly, and for that, I am truly, truly...


Again, please.

Last time, kid.

"Ray needs help. We should fight them."

Oh, we should do that? Interesting.

How many are you gonna take on?

"I have an idea."

So, I think we should give this place a shot.

Great, but I think you were about to say, "I'm sorry."

Oh, I did. You missed it.


Kenneth: [Over P.A] Would all students report to the stage?

Please report to the stage.


Think I'm playing with y'all?!

All right, um, the kid would like to say something.

"My name is JJ DiMeo... student, inspiration..."


"...the Wheeled Avenger, the Quiet Storm, butt-high lady candy."


Little less?

Okay. Sorry. All right.

"... And as of this moment, candidate for student council president."

[Cheers and applause]

[Crowd chanting "JJ!"]

♪ Hey, don't write yourself off yet ♪

This is such an open-minded community!

Yeah, you should see them during Black History Month.

[Chanting continues]

♪ It just takes some time ♪
♪ You're in the middle of the ride ♪
♪ Everything, everything will be just fine ♪
♪ Everything, everything will be all right ♪
♪ It just takes some time ♪
♪ Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride ♪

Oh, it would seem that you're staying.

May I say that I'm thrilled?

None of these rides have ramps.

It could go bouncier.

Yeah, come on, bouncier!

Or the next bouncing she's gonna do is on your head!

Yeah, what she said!

Go on. Bouncier.


It's quiet. I'm alone.

Can I do this again, but for, like, a week?

How did you get me to do this again?

Well, actually, darling, I'm quite surprised you did.

Like this, JJ? Yeah.

[Chuckles] Here we go.


He says, "Aah!"