01x03 - B-O-N–BONFIRE

Good morning!

Maya: Let's go! Everybody up!

What's going on? It's 3:00 a.m.!

Is it an earthquake?

Yes! We finally get to eat the emergency tuna fish.

It's moving day.

We realized we've got to get all of our stuff out of the old house by 7:00 a.m.


Coming through.

Why are you saying "yay"?

To make it sound fun. Didn't work. Moving on.

How did you forget about this until now?

Oh, Ray, if your dad and I planned, you wouldn't be here at all.

Not you. I wanted you.

Ray, everybody's ready. Let's go.


I refuse to get up on principle because this is so disorganized.


Why the hell are you naked?

I was trying something out!

Jimmy: Two hours.

Grab anything you want to take to the new house.

Found the moving shovels!

Can I make a suggestion to save us all a ton of time?

And doesn't use JJ as a snowplow?

Oh, he's having the time of his life.

Go on, love. You're almost through.

Let's not take this stuff, any of it.

But it's our stuff.

Yes, but before it was our stuff, it was other people's garbage.

The chair we found under a bridge, and the fish tank...

That is a perfectly good TV stand.

No, it is not!

Nor was it a perfectly good "Dylan's crib."

Remember when she used to pound her little fists on the glass.


Ray, these are our things, and there's a certain romance to how we got them...

The thrill of the chase, the excitement of the big score.

It's like hunting, but you don't have to pretend you like deer meat.

Wouldn't you love a house with nice things that go well together?

A room with a tasteful rug and matching lamps?

This is embarrassing.

I'm sorry you feel that way about our life, Ray, but we have challenges other families don't.

You use that excuse for everything.

I'm sorry I don't have other, better excuses, Ray, but we have challenges other families don't.

[Wheelchair motor whirs, crashing]


I knew you could do it, darling!

♪ ♪

Hey, hey! Look at you, baby girl.

You sure like that running, don't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's funny.

Your brother doesn't walk, so to compensate, you push yourself to run as fast as you can.

It's like you're running for the both of you.

Is that why I run?

I thought I liked it.

Eh, I dunno. That's one theory.

Well, enjoy your run.


♪ ♪

What am I running from?

Good morning, DiMeos!

What's all this stuff? What's going on in here?

JJ has special needs.

It's also why we're eating licorice for breakfast.

You tell them about school, hot shot?

"I made some friends."

Not just friends... Cool friends.

Tell them what we did yesterday.

"We pranked Eastlake."

Well, it's Homecoming Week, so Lafayette and Eastlake High have this prank war.

Frickin' epic!

If you're in high school. Yeah, I find it silly.

"Show the video."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Here we are.

Boy: You ready to go, JJ?

So, there's Dan Holden, total stud.

And Zach Garcia... he's the captain of the football team, but he's super down-to-earth.

Okay, so, now, originally, we were gonna tie up their quarterback and send him up the flag pole, but Rob White's a lock for Stanford, and you don't want to mess with that.

Stop saying teenagers' names.

All right, JJ, pull it up.

Do the honors, JJ.

Hey! Yeah!


JJ, look at you!

And the doctors said you'd never be able to commit vandalism.

Do you know, putting you in a mainstream school was the best decision we ever made.

You're being included. And you're cool!

I know a mother's not allowed to say that matters, but now that we're being honest, it's all that matters!

It is?

Oh, darling, this opens up whole new worlds.

You're gonna need new clothes, maybe a motorcycle...

Don't go getting any young ladies pregnant.

Yeah, like Allen Rice!

Dude's a sophomore, but he's all, "Oh, I got to go pick up my kid at preschool."

It's more sad than anything.

♪ ♪

I was a runner once.

Who broke the kid?


"And that's what your mom told me last night"?


Hey, guys! Bonfire tickets.

It's the Homecoming Bonfire tomorrow night.

All the upperclassmen get to go.

There are teacher chaperones, but, like, the younger teachers who let us drink because they want to be friends with us.

[Scoffs] How lame! Am I right?



It's at, uh, Dragon's Cove.


Getting there's half the fun.

You got to, like, jump up this rock thing, then shimmy through this crevasse, and, um...

Oh, man.

You're not much of a shimmy guy, are you?

Crap. JJ can't come.

That sucks.

That sucks!

"It's all good."

You sure, man?

"I'll just chill at home... with your moms."




[School bell rings]


I hope your boyfriend's not threatened that we're walking together.


That's a... hearty laugh.

Oh, Sandeep said you have a model of the Jupiter probe?

Is that true?

Ugh. Sandeep is such a gossip.

Yes, it's true.

Can I see it?


Jimmy: Ah, Ray, come here!

Help me with this soda bottle!

You know what would be simpler?

Let's meet up downtown in an hour.

I'll show you the probe there.

Uh... I think I'll just go home.


But this went really well.

I think that's the takeaway!


Oh, look who's home from school.

Coolest thing on wheels.

I got you something.

I made it.

New board for a new life.

I figured you might want to pepper in some cooler phrases, so new offerings include, "'Sup?"

"Hey, Girl," and "Kanye."

He comes up a lot, doesn't he?

So, I jammed a lot on here, and I accidentally omitted "bathroom."

So maybe "Hells yeah, bitch" can mean that, as well?

What's wrong?

Is the board an "epic fail"?

Oh. What's that?

Bonfire at Dragon's Cove.

You can't get down there.

Are you okay with that?

♪ ♪

Mom, this is trash.

This goes here.

♪ ♪


Mrs. DiMeo, what brings you here?

Nothing, really. Just righting the world.

Miller: Good morning, students!

Oh, it's Homecoming Week, and Friday night, we're gonna stomp all over Eastlake!

[Students cheering]

But first, I know all you juniors and seniors are excited about tonight's bonfire!

[Students cheering]

I also know you're all committed to making Lafayette an inclusive school in which everyone is treated equally.

[Students cheering]

Which is why, out of sensitivity to a student who I will not name, the beach bonfire has been canceled.

Boy: What'd she say?

Girl: Come on!

Uh, did everyone cheer for that last part? I couldn't hear.

What did you do, Mrs. DiMeo?

The only thing I could do.

You seemed so sad because everyone could go but you.

"I didn't E-X-pect you to cancel Kylie Jenner," I mean "it."

I hate this new board.

I don't know why it's such a big deal.

Back at your old special-ed schools, I got things canceled all the time.

All the moms did. We took turns.

Blind mom canceled movie night.

Deaf mom canceled jazz band.

There were never any events, and everyone was happy.

Well, you know, if you're upset I got it canceled, I'll fix it.

No, no! You don't have to.

Bryan Keefer's about to break up with his girlfriend!

That'll distract everyone!

How do I know?

How do you not know?

[Chuckles] He barely even looks at her anymore.

Come on, ladies! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

[Stopwatch beeps]


DiMeo, what gives?

Yeah, you're so off, Dylan. No trash talk?

You didn't spit at any of us. What happened?

We're worried about you.

I'm really sorry, guys.

It's just... my world collapsed today, literally.

That means, like, "a lot," right?


I mean, I thought I ran because I loved it, but it turns out I don't.

I do it because my brother can't.

Why do you guys run?

Why? Because it's fun.

I mean, I guess on some level it's because my dad's an Olympic runner.

And since the divorce, the only time I see him is when he comes to my meets.


Girl: I definitely run because it's fun.

Of course, when I was 5, I did fall into the lion habitat at the zoo.

And every night in my dreams, the lions chase me and eat me.

So it's more the lions than the fun.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah, it's more the lions.

Girl #2: I run for the feeling.

It's pain.

But I deserve it.

For what I did.



I never wanted to be a coach.

And I also never wanted to raise a child that's obviously not mine.

And this beard?

Total cry for help, thanks for noticing.

All right, bye.

Hey, Ray.

Our garbage is in the garbage.

Ha ha. But wait... there's more.

♪ ♪

You did this?

Well, yeah. I saw you with that girl.

I don't get this whole "caring what other people think" thing, but I asked myself, "What's more important?

My son or my love of other people's trash?"

And I won.

Was it close? Doesn't matter.

Thank you so much.

Well, what are you gonna do with all that old junk?


Ray: We're putting garbage in the garbage truck, not taking it out.

This is a dream come true.

Jimmy: Yep.

Also, dream bigger.

♪ ♪

Welcome to the new, improved, inclusive Homecoming Bonfire!


So grab a snack and hang 10...

Or however many you can hang...

And let's party!

Fire-master, go light the bonfire.

[Switch clicking]

Damn it!

[Switch clicks]

Great. It even sucks when it's working.

Hello, darling.

What is this?

I promised my son this bonfire would be more fun than the original.

Where's the debauchery?

Where's the sexual tension?

The stench of teenage hormones should be overpowering!

We have badminton.

You better figure out a way to make this party fun.

Without alcohol.

[Whispering] Get them alcohol!

Okay, beach bums, who's ready to limbo?

Wait. No, no, no! You can't leave.

I mean, this whole party is for you.

"This is a disaster."

You're right.

I'm sensing a lot of unspoken thoughts, squelched emotions...

Uh... Oh, my God.

It's so obvious.

We need to have a rap session.



What are you doing?

I am texting Jillian to tell her that she is welcome to come to the house anytime to check out my probe.


You know, I'm so happy.

This is a new chapter in our lives...

A fresh start with no junk.

Oh, you got to be kidding me.


Check out that lamp.

Should I stop?


I don't care how beautiful it is, it's trash.

Son, you need to see something.

There's two.

It's a set?

When is this gonna happen again?

Your love of matching furniture, my love of trash.

One last score, then we go straight?

♪ ♪

Let's do it.

Let's do it!

Okay, Lafayette, you know how these rap sessions go.

Who wants to give voice to their frustration about this event?

I think I just feel... Let's start with a student, Richard.

Oh, okay. Mm-hmm.

Uh, I just think it's kind of unfortunate that the best activity of the year got ruined to accommodate one student.

Well, he didn't want to cancel it.

Kenneth, we don't attack, we listen.

Thank you, Kayla. Who else feels this way?

Yes, Tommy.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into playing football so that I can go to events like the bonfire and hook up with any girl I want.

So when that gets taken away, it's not fair to me.

Or to any girl I want.

I hear you. Let it out.

Now I'm gonna be all horny during the game.

Not sure that was worth mentioning.


Zach: Look, no one's mad at JJ.

He just wants to have the same high school experience as the rest of us.

Dude's a class act.

But if anyone else got it canceled, we'd be mad at them.

So isn't it demeaning to JJ to not blame him?

Holy crap, that's evolved.

Girl: Yeah, he's right.

We should respect JJ as our equal and be mad at him.

Mm-hmm. That is right.

And in that spirit of respect, what might you say to him?

"Screw you for ruining everything"?

That's good.

It's not that good.

Zach: "For someone who doesn't walk, you sure do trample on our rights."

So articulate.

How is your homework always so bad?

"Your mom might be hot, but your behavior's not."

Kind of an interesting subplot.

I am so proud of all of you.

Only Lafayette would care about JJ enough to tell him how much we resent him.

Let's just give ourselves a hand. Yeah.

Great job.

[Cheers and applause]



I thought you guys were cool.





Wow, that's a lot of-aden names.

Geez. Where was I?

Oh, yeah. Screw all of you!

And your names!


Come on, JJ!

Yes, I will take a s'more for me and for JJ, thank you.

Come on, JJ!

Who would throw this away?

It's a crazy world we live in, son.

Look in this bag.

A whisk, a throw pillow?

Is that a trivet?

No, it's our trivet.

In the van!

♪ ♪

Young woman: [Screams] Where'd it go?

Mom, someone just stole everything I was gonna take to college!

Drive! Drive!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! We got to take it back.

What are we gonna say? This is so humiliating!

Eh, I'll do it.

Seriously?! How are you okay with this?!

Nothing this insane family does gives you panic attacks.

I have high blood pressure!

I am 13, and I had to give up pickles!

I love pickles!

Pickles are great.

Buddy, why do you care so much what other people think?

Why don't you?

Seriously, Dad, don't you want to be normal?

How can you live like this? [Brakes squeal]

You want to know how?

Because all this stuff, other people's opinions, it's nothing.

You know what's not nothing?

A doctor tells you there's something wrong with your kid, all the things he's never gonna do, and it's a nice, long list.

But look at your brother.

He's great. He's smart, funny.

Without naming names, he's apparently cooler than some of my other kids.

So now when something happens, it's like, "What else you got?

Bring it on."

I get it... Normal seems good.

But guess what... We're not normal.

We're better. We're... bulletproof.

♪ ♪

What are you doing?

I'm taking the stuff back.

I got it, Dad. I'm bulletproof, too.

Did it get better?

Yeah, it was great.

Everyone put JJ on their shoulders, and they did a conga line.

Oh, really?

You're gonna have to learn that that's my sarcastic voice.

This is all their fault.

That was the worst alternative bonfire I have ever been to.

You've been to alternative bonfires?

Anything that isn't a bonfire is an alternative to a bonfire, Kenneth.

I tried.

I mean, what could I have done differently?

Look, I know this thing of ours is in its early stages, but am I allowed to answer really obvious questions?

Consider this a test case.

I see the way that you fight for this guy, and it's beautiful.

But he's in a plain, old high school now.

And a mom, even an amazing one, she can't be the one fixing everything.

Well, maybe you have a point.

You do seem to be a bit of an expert on high school.

Well, you know... Really not a compliment.

Good night, buddy.

[Door opens, closes]

I'm sorry I made it harder for you.

"Can I, uh, tell you something?"


"I wanted you to help."


So it's not just me who doesn't know how to do this?

Mm. Good.

All right, we'll...

We'll figure it out together... Separately.

And I know you'll get those friends back.

Oh, stop!

Don't give me that look that makes me do things.

Oh, my God! You found my things!

I didn't find them.

I took them.

What? Why?

Because I thought they were garbage.

Sis, what's going on? Hey, do I know you?

Yeah. You're friends with...


Hey, Jillian.

Hey, every girl in my grade.

He took my stuff.

But it's okay, because he thought it was garbage.

And why were you taking my garbage?

Because I'm bulletproof?

[Laughing] Okay! Ah. Yeah.

That shame thing, I'm... I'm getting it.

Morning... almost. Again.

I know I said I wouldn't help you anymore, but I had an idea about how to get all your friends back in a split second.

And then I will never help you again.

You know, you can rot in the street for all I care.

Are you game?

Yes, okay.

The best part of this is, Mom will have done nothing at all.

Eastlake will.

It's a big swing, but I decided I'd do this with any of my kids.

Right. Give it a go.

[Wheelchair motor whirs, chains clank]


You know, I figured there's nothing I like to do more than fight for you.

Let's give your friends a taste.

Okay, I'm gonna hide this key way back...

Oh, they look stupid.

I'll leave it right there.

Is that JJ DiMeo?






Dude, are you okay?

Eastlake did this to you? Not cool!

JJ's our boy!

You guys unlock him.

I'll go to his house and tell his mom.

Hey, what's this for?

Hey, Eastlake, you forgot your key!

Oh, my God.

All right, come on.

You're gonna pay for this, Eastlake!

[Players grunting]

♪ When it's on, it's on ♪
♪ Let's get it on ♪

I don't know who JJ is, but I'm sorry!

♪ Come on, now ♪


[Whistle blows]

No call!

I heard about what you did to that kid.

[Cheers and applause]

This is all for you, JJ!


[Whistle blows]

Does everyone who plays a sport do it for JJ?

Did we get the one that locked you up, JJ?

No, not yet.

Shut up, shut up.

♪ ♪

Are we okay with all this carnage?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Go, American football! Go on!

You having a good time, JJ?

"Hells yeah, bitch."

Is that... That's new.

Oh! That means he has to go to the bathroom.

Get up. Go on. Get up. Go on.

Sorry, darling. Yeah, go on.