01x04 - I-n-s-Inspirations

[Water running]

And... tongues.

Both: Ahhhhh.

[Spits] There we are.

They don't teach you that in special-needs-mum school, do they?


Aah! Damn you, narrow door.

You didn't win yesterday. You're not gonna win today.

Now it's stuck.

Ohh, I have to pee.

Mom, I need to get out.

How do we just have one bathroom?

You're the one that drinks water like we're a two-bathroom family, Ray.

Dad, how big a drop out this window?

It'd be fun to find out.

[Thud] About 10 feet!

Good to know.

I need to use the bathroom.

Go use the one at the gas station down the street.

Ooh, and get me lotto tickets while you're there.

3, 12, 28... [Groans]

Just Quick Pick. Just get Quick Pick.

[Water shuts off]

Darling, it's really stuck.

I got it. It's why God gave us soap.


That is really in there, isn't it?

I'm stuck.

Oh, God. We're gonna die in here.


Right. So, you'll be home by 4:00?


You agreed to eight hours.

That is a long time.

I mean, the longest JJ's ever been gone if he wasn't in school is...

How long is "The Notebook"?

[Groans] Not bloody long enough.

I mean, I love that Ryan Gosling.

So fast from overprotective to oversexual.

He can have a day, hon. He's 16.

All right, just let me see the to-do list.

Sorry, no can do.

The deal is eight hours of total freedom for JJ.

He's driving this, not me, and definitely not you.

Okay, fine.

But give... give... give me it!

Oh. Oh.

Seriously, is that as high as you can jump?

Okay. Come on.

No. Come on.

Let's get out of here, JJ.

Let me get you some drinks for the road.

All right.

Let us see what is on the agenda here.

"One... a whole day where I call the shots.

Two... now, take me to get hot dogs in L.A., bitch."


Oh, you are feisty in lists.

I kind of like it.

Okay, here you go.

Right. I love you, darling.

Have a great time, buddy.

Take lots of pictures.

Bye, darling.

We'll miss you.

I didn't get this when I went to go visit Grandma for a summer.

Oh, there he goes.

Yeah. Just the four of us.

It feels... different.

Should we... do something?

Just us?

[Snaps fingers] I've got it.

Besides nap.

I'm out. Let's think.

What is something we could do as a family if accessibility was of absolutely no concern?

Never thought about that before.

Me neither.

I mean, I've heard some stuff other families have done.

I suppose we could...



Mountain bike.

Scuba dive.



Tour a Frank Lloyd Wright house without ramps.

Kickboxing, skydiving.

Sailing. Use an escalator.

Chicken fights. Trapeze classes.



But you've never thought about it.

You said paintball? Did we just agree on something?

We never agree.

Don't make it weird, Ray.

You know what your mother might really enjoy... ice skating.


No, your mother was quite a skater back in her day.

Yeah, yeah, not just parents. You once had hopes and dreams.


[Gasps] I've got it.

I've got the perfect fun thing for us to do without JJ.

Widen the bathroom door to make it wheelchair accessible.

Somebody say something.

I like your hair?

I get it.

You see the fun in my plan, but you had your heart set on something else.

Here's what we'll do. I'll go and gather a few supplies.

You guys knock out the wall.

We fix the door fast, then on to paintball.

Is that even possible?

With my dream team it is.

You're the brains. You're the brawn.

And you're the big, strong man who actually knows how to do it.

I am handy.

But you're gonna let him use the bat?

I know what I'm doing.

Congratulations, toaster.

You are now our most valuable possession.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Sighs] JJ, we've got one day to do whatever you want.

You sure you want to spend it in this line?


Yes, I understand Guy Fieri likes it. Still...

Man, you've got like no pores.


You two sweeties shouldn't have to wait in line.

Come with me.


Excuse me.

We have a couple of V.I.P.s here.

Uh, thank you.

Another day, another old white lady thinks I'm some doctor from "Grey's Anatomy."

Two chili dogs for me and my friend, please.

You know what? Um, lunch is on us.



Thanks. [Chuckles]

You always get treated like this?

Yeah, me neither.

The only special attention I get is when I'm driving home and Waze accidentally leads me through the nice neighborhood.

Um, excuse me, I got to ask.

Is no one upset that we cut the line?

Not at all.


It's 'cause of the kid, right?

And you. I mean, you're this big, manly guy, but you're treating him with such tenderness.

It's heartwarming.

Oh, well, I could see that... cute kid and gentle giant sort of thing.

And I find myself asking, who's helping who?

Does that make sense?

Yeah, totally.

Of course.





Might this extend to other non-hot-dog situations?

JJ, we are pushing this as far as we can.

"Pushing what?" What?

[Whispering] JJ, we're inspirations!


Thank you, guys. Thank you.

It comes right out. [Grunts]

Just like picking a scab.

Unless you're weak.

I'm not weak.

I just got this sucky hammer.

[Board clatters]

I fixed your hammer.

Is there any way we can finish this in time for paintball?

I don't know. Mom seemed so sure we could.

Hey, Dad, after we're done fixing this doorjamb, how much work is left?

Well, God, I mean, after that, we need to, uh... we... we should probably, uh...

Wait a second. I don't know how to do this.

I'm not handy! She did it again. Ha!

Did what?

Your mom.

She gets all charming and flattery and British, and the next thing you know, you think you're a contractor.

Or an accountant. I'm not qualified to do our taxes.

[Sighs] She never wanted to go to paintball.

Enjoying an activity JJ couldn't participate in would play too much into her deep-seated issues of guilt.

How do I know this?

She made me read a psychology textbook to give her free therapy.

[Sighs] I can't believe we fell for this.

No. No. Don't beat yourself up.

When Mom turns on the charm, no one is immune.

Hello. Might it be fun to loan me your saw?

I'm not gonna lie. That... That does sound pretty fun.

Announcer: Attention, Dodger fans.

Woman: Thank you.

Next week is Dodgers Family Day.

Thank you.

Why, hello, there.

Uh, the line's back there.

Um, that's okay, uh, 'cause we don't have tickets to give you, anyway.

Welcome to Dodger Stadium.


Thank you.

Good news! Found a saw.

Oh, way ahead of you. We're finished.



We widened the doors, smoothed off the edges.

A little brain, some brawn... there's nothing you can't do.


Let me see that chair.

Oh, there'll be plenty of time for the examination of chairs and such after paintball.


That's not where my hands go.

That's where my hands go.

You didn't widen the door. You narrowed the chair.

You're tricking me.

Well, you tricked me first by making me believe I'm not incompetent.

Damn your charm.

Is it fun to give her our saw?

Fine. I used my powers to make you think you were able.

I apologize.

You go and paintball. I'll finish the door.

I mean it. Have fun.

Could we first take a moment to examine your choice?

Are you, Maya, avoiding paintball because you feel guilty for enjoying an activity in which your son could not participate?

I mean, perhaps on some level, yeah.

And what are the two kinds of guilt?

Healthy/appropriate and unhealthy/inappropriate.

See, JJ is having fun, so any guilt related to his experience must be...


That's right.

And when we let our actions be dictated by unhealthy guilt, we...

Choose a course that causes true harm, right?

Yes. Just like my mother!

All right, screw it. Let's go and do paintball, shall we?

Come on.

That's all the time we have for today.

Do these seats work?


Nice view... from those great seats down there.


Yeah, man. This'll do.

Uh, any movement on our other request?

I'm afraid it's gonna be impossible.

Yeah, we get it. Yeah. Some things just can't be done.

Announcer: Please welcome to the field to throw out the first pitch, JJ DiMeo and Kenneth!

We sound like a ventriloquist act.

"We kinda are."


[Organ playing]

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughs] Yeah.

[Noisemakers rattling]

"And the glove."

Yeah! Right? Yeah!

Look at this place.

The grade, the terrain.

We're gonna have the most wheelchair-inaccessible day ever.

10,000 hours of "Halo."


Are you awesome?


Are you nice?

Maya: Oh, this is gonna be such fun.

The clothes, the violence... fantastic.

I can't believe you're this into it.

And yet you do believe. That's how good I am.

Right, kids, DiMeo's the name, murder's the game.

Big American gun party.

No mercy, right?

Announcer: Play commences in three, two...

You three go on ahead.

I've got your back.


Where will you be?

The perfect spot.

This looks like a good napping spot.

[Sighs] Good night, paintball.

[Laughs] I never get to do this.


"Enough of that.

We're here to watch the game."

Civilians watch the game. We're inspirations.

All right.

Announcer: It's Kiss Cam time!


Come on, man. Give it to them.

Give them the kiss.

Give them a little... mwah... lips.

Give it to them, man.

Yeah! [Laughs]

All right.

Now we can just watch the game, okay?

All right.

Crowd: ♪ If they don't win, it's a shame ♪
♪ For it's one ♪

Crowd: ♪ Two ♪
♪ Three strikes, you're out ♪
♪ At the old ballgame ♪



[Paintball guns popping]



[Breathing heavily]

I love killing people with you.

I love everything about you.

How did we not know about this until now?

Maybe 'cause it's never just the two of us.

[Paintball thuds]

Take cover!

[Paintball guns popping]


Special-needs-mum phone check time out.

There is no time out.



Bloody little...




I'm up. I'm up.

Those monsters! They shot you in my favorite breast!

Oh, come on!


Why are we still doing this?

Let's get out of here.

[Paintball guns popping]

There's too many of them.

We can't hold them off much longer.

Not today they're not.

Did that not link? I'm sorry.

I didn't really hear what you said.

[Paintball whizzes]

Hey, we're surrounded! Circle up!

It's working.

They're backing off.

[Paintball gun clicks]

My gun's jammed.

Oh, crap.




No hits.


Me neither. Ha!

The DiMeos rule!

This is the best day ever! [Gasps]

I mean... I miss JJ?

What a day! [Laughs]

Look at all these programs I got.

I don't want these.

Uh, up for one more stop?

E-N... "Enough."

Well, enough energy to go to the Stones concert?

Yeah, man. Whoo!

Oh, one last inspirational score of the day.

Guess what we don't have... tickets.

Guess what we don't need... tickets.

[Laughs] Whoo.

[Door opens] Yoo! [Laughs]

Yeah, man. [Door closes]

All right. Let's get in the mood.

What's your favorite Stones song?

[Laughs] I don't have any Stones.

My cousin's band it is.

[Funky music playing]

You like this, right? [Chuckles]

Rodney, he likes it.

Rodney's dead.

It's not the best day ever. I didn't mean it.

We know you didn't, sweetheart.

Except I did, which makes me a terrible person.

Why didn't we just fix the door?

What's wrong with making life a little easier for JJ?

Exactly, it's like he deals with so much, and he doesn't complain. All I do is complain.

[Paint splattering]

You think about that, too?

That's all I think.

You guys feel guilty?

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Don't go wide. It's one day.

You can have fun without your brother.

[Paint splatters]

Son of a...

Yeah, right.

What does that mean?

Mom never does.

[Paint splatters]

Oh, my God. This is all my fault.

[Paint splatters]

Ow! Ow. Ohh.

Oh, please, kids. Don't feel... Ow... guilty.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

This is the worst day ever!!

Hee! The Dodgers and the Stones all in one day.

[Laughs] This is gonna be great.

Let's practice our smiles.

Yours doesn't look so good. What's wrong?

Let's get your board.

It's in the backpack, but where's that?



I left it someplace?

Okay, uh...

[Sighs] We can fix this. Uh...

Okay, JJ, I'll give you some options.

We left it at the stadium.

Do we have to check the whole place or did you see it?

Okay. Um, good.

Was it in the parking lot or before that?

Okay, great.

We'll go back to the parking lot.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Look at us, thinking of a way to make it work.

Impressive thinking on the fly or wrong time to do a victory lap?

Okay, stop yelling at me. I got it.

How are the kids?

I hosed them off. They're fine.

I can't believe they think I don't have any fun.

What? You agree with them?

I'm just saying. Name one thing.

Well, there's... um...


I lit a candle a few months ago.

Hon... it's time for you to do something selfish for once in your life.

The kids need to see you having fun just for you, something bigger than, you know, lighting a candle.

Yeah, I didn't really light a candle.

Wow. You guys sure make a cute team.

You know, you're real inspir...

Yeah, we're done with that.

[Zipper opens]

All right, buddy.

Let me have it.

"I'm mad."

Well, I... I got that without the board.

"Today was about what I... W-A... wanted.

You took my... V-O... voice.

You... don't get to do that."


JJ, I am so, so sorry.

I'm not used to special treatment, and it went to my head.

But I promise you it will never happen again, ever.

You know what?

Maybe something can be salvaged here.

No inspirations.

All you.

I promised you a day of independence.

You wanted to drive it.

Drive this.

All right.

Parking lot is empty, and this van already looks like it's been wrapped around a pole.


Don't wrap it around a pole, all right?


[Engine starts]

All right, just give it a little bit of gas!

Whoa! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh! JJ.

Aah! Aah!

Happy Independence Day!


Whoo! Oh.


I'm coming to meet you, Rodney!


[Soft music plays]

I'm really not feeling it.

I mean, so they'll be ruled by guilt. It's fine.

Maya, we paid $3 for this.

You're doing it.

Come on. Fake it till you make it.


Look at that. Your mom can have fun.

She's not feeling guilty. Neither should you.

[Blades scratching]

You guys want to join her?

No, I'm pretty happy right here.

Me too.

Ow! [Bleep]

Son of a [bleep]!


I broke my ass.

She proved her point before this, right?

Both: Yeah.


Hey! The DiMeos are home!

I want to be clear. I did not do this.

Hello, darling.

[Door closes]

Oh, I missed you so much.

Oh, it was no fun without you. I was miserable.

Eh, we didn't do anything that cool.

At no point was I having a blast.

Kenneth: Yeah, how about you, buddy?

What was the most independent thing you did today?

"Drove a car."


Wait. For real?

Kenneth, what...

[Water running]


Ray: I'm in here. Did you not see the sign?

I did.

And it all came rushing back.

What did?

How much I love torturing you.

Aah! Aah!

I thought we were a team!

We were. It was great.

This is just more fun.

Aah! Aah!




We'll always have paintball.