01x05 - H-a-l--Halloween

You guys know your dad. I don't excel at much.

I have no sense of direction, the memory of a goldfish, and I have never once won a game of Tic-Tac-Toe.

But there is one thing I do better than literally anyone else.

Forget birthdays?

Lose your keys?

You never won at Tic-Tac-Toe?

That's right.

Design family Halloween costumes that creatively incorporate the wheelchair.

Now, before I unveil this year's theme, I'd like to make a quick apology to Kenneth.

You were a recent addition, and we did not have time to add you to the costume.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

No, no, no. You want to be part of this.

My Jimmy is an artist.

Look, I'll show you.

Last year, Star Wars theme.

Oh!

Oh, look at that one.

Titanic. That was a big hit.

Jimmy!

How about that?

Aladdin. Magic, isn't it?

Impressive. Quick question.

Why are Ray and Maya a couple in every one?

No, we're not. That's...

I don't think that's...

Agh! That's disgusting!

Jimmy: Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

"Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!"

Oh, my God.

Dylan: Ew, Yuck! Every year!

Don't. No!

It's Romeo and Juliet.

Pizza's here!

As is the guy who is shocked you had the nerve to ask him to get you pizza.

There it is.

Get your brother.

Mmm! This pizza's amazing.

Did Gino's get a new chef or something?

Gino's? [Chuckles]

This is from Sal's.

[Spits] Pizzas down! Everyone, right now. Come on.

Spit it out. Out.

Dylan: Mnh-mnh.

Out!

Jimmy: Mnh-mnh.

Spit it out.

[Swallows]

You traitor.

What am I about to learn?

We don't order from Sal's.

They're... dead to Maya.

Maya: With good reason.

They refused service to my disabled son.

Well, Christmas morning, they were closed.

Okay. No Sal's. Understood.

There's more. A whole list.

Rainbow Carwash. Stefano's Dry Cleaners.

That place.

Don't hold my $20s up to the light.

They're real. Give me my damn blouse!

Eventually, the list jumped from businesses that had wronged Maya to things Jimmy likes.

Hawaiian shirts, whistling, the phrase...

Don't say it.

"Uh, ya think?"

[Groans]

You know, you should probably learn the list.

You're just gonna write on the wall?

He'll paint over it later. Right, Dad?

Sure.

Energy drinks? Human pyramids?

'90s ska music?

What did '90s ska music do to you?

It ruined the '90s.

Smart. So you can study the list at home.

Nah. I've been looking for a way to describe you to my family.

[Chuckling] This tells a story.

[Camera shutter clicks ]

[Cellphone rings]

Huh. That's weird.

My phone only rings when I lose it and make you guys call my number.

Hi. I think you have the wrong number.

This is Ray.

Jillian: Hey, Ray. It's Jillian.

Really?

Jillian, hi.

So, you probably heard Zane and I broke up.

I... did not hear that.

[Cellphone beeps]

[On speakerphone] Anyway, I'm running the school's haunted house fundraiser on Halloween night.

Zane was in charge of a room.

He dropped out.

[Cellphone beeps]

I need you to fill in for him.

Yeah, I think I can make that work.

Thanks, Ray.

I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow.

Cool. I like this phone chemistry.

Hello?

Here. Try on this jacket.

Oh, perfect!

Who needs Tic-Tac-Toe? Halloween! Ugh!

You guys heard about my party Halloween night, right?

Gonna be sick.

I'm sure it's not gonna be as fun as your Oedipal nightmare.

[Chuckles]

Hey, JJ.

"Can I come to your party?"

Wait, what?

Dude, totally.

I just wasn't you sure you could.

"Great. See you there."

Cool.

[Sighs] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You already have plans and so do I.

"It's a P-A... party.

I want a high school experience like in 'American Pie' or 'Bring It On!'"

Yeah, and I want to sing "Monster Mash" at Spooky Karaoke at the mini-mall.

Fine. I'll sing "Monster Mash" next weekend at normal karaoke like an idiot.

[Sighing]

Ray, I love you, buddy, but the next sigh will be your last.

I have to bail on the family costume.

What? No, you can't do that to Dad.

But Jillian asked me to help out at the haunted house.

Really? That sounds awesome.

He'll just have to understand. We're doing that.

We? No.

You have to do the costume with JJ.

[Grunts]

"I have a party."

He has a party.

No! Not you, too!

Stop lasering me!

We can't all bail!

You're right.

I guess it's just a question of who bails first.

Dad!

Dad, please wake up. It's super important.

Me too. Mine's more important.

I really need to tell you something.

It can't wait till morning.

Matters of the heart are at stake.

We need to talk to Dad.

What? At this hour?

You know he goes into a medical coma at night.

Don't you? I mean, look at him.

[Snoring starts, stops]

Look at that.

See? What's so damn important?

We all have plans for Halloween.

[Gasps] But it's our tradition.

You know how much he loves the costume.

This man does so much for us.

He's got such a good heart.

He works so hard to provide for this family.

I mean, look at the calluses on that hand.

Jillian needs me. This might be my big chance.

"And I have a party."

A... party? Really?

"Why should I be left out?

I deserve this."

[Sighs]

And I like spooky stuff.

Maybe I should have gone before JJ.

Okay.

All right, if you're gonna do this... he's gonna take it very hard.

Yeah.

I'll be the one to tell him. Go on.

Bugger off back to bed.

Oh.

You poor, sweet thing.

Mm.

[Groans]

You starting something?

Jillian: Everyone, please settle.

I'd like to call this meeting to order.

Dylan: I see why you like this chick.

[Imitates snoring]

Stop it!

The event's tomorrow.

We have to plan a room from scratch.

Let's brainstorm.

I have an idea. Or more of a notion.

Is there is anything in cobwebs?

Off that, perhaps... jack-o'-lanterns.

Interesting.

Look, I know scary.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We need blood. Real blood.

Human, pig... whatever.

And there's tons of websites that sell cadavers.

I'm sorry about...

Shh, shh! Keep going, Dylan.

I'm thinking of a torture room where people actually get waterboarded for a couple of seconds.

I saw how to do it on "Locked Up Abroad."

It's safe.

This is amazing!

You're exactly what this committee's been missing.

You like that stuff?

'Cause we both came up with it together.

Why don't you design the room?

Done.

[Snoring]

Stop it!

[Clattering]

That is the most amazing costume.

What is it? Is it a spaceship?

It's the DeLorean from "Back to the Future."

Before my time.

I got some bad news.

[Sighs]

When are you due?

Not that.

The... The kids aren't gonna do family costume this year.

They're ditching us for Halloween.

[Tool clatters]

Oh.

That physically hurts.

Well, I mean, you knew this day was coming.

They are growing up.

Agh. It's my fault.

I shouldn't have half-assed the costume this year.

[Whirring]

[Knock on door]

JJ, your ride's here.

♪ Trick or treat ♪

[Door closes]

[Stammers]

No costumes. Got it.

All right, buddy. Let's hit the road.

We're heading out, too.

Thanks again for being so cool about this, Dad.

It's all good.

I got stuff I can do around the house, anyway.

Like paint over that wall?

Sure.

Okay. Have fun! Be safe, everyone!

Oh, and, Kenneth, if JJ comes back with so much as a scratch...

You'll tie me down and make me watch you eat my cat.

Yes, I will.

Happy Halloween.

And to you.

Well, that went well.

Nobody even cried.

Well, someone did.

Eh.

Okay, whenever I'm a wreck, and it hasn't happened that many times... today... you always find a way to lift my spirits.

Now it's my turn.

Tonight, for one night only, in the spirit of Halloween, I hereby undead the whole list.

Cologne?

Mm-hmm.

Puns?

Yep.

Tighty-whities?

Mm-hmm.

Excited?

Uh, ya think?

Even that.


[Dance music plays]

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪
♪ Get crazy ♪
♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Okay, so this is a lot more intense than I expected.

Uh, okay, JJ. Um, you know what?

Maybe we just take a spin through and head home.

"Maybe you get me a B-E-E-R."

Okay. I think you misspelled "soda."

♪ Make my body rock ♪

Hey, JJ.

Okay. I'm... I'm dead.

James DiMeo, my love. Welcome to everything I hate.

[Ska music plays]

Ugh.

Off we go.

[Exhales sharply]

Huh?


[Clatter]

[Breathing heavily]

Is this gonna be scary enough?

Pace more. That'll help.

It's just got to be really scary for Jillian.

See, there's this phenomenon that I read about online.

Why do all of your romantic plans start with an Internet search?

If someone is truly terrified, their emotions are so raw that they easily slip into a state of arousal.

It's called "scarousal."

Ray, I'm very scared of you right now, and I can assure you, I'm not aroused.

So, how's this gonna work here?

You're the doctor, I'm the patient? I'm just gonna pop out when they enter, or...

Oh, my God.

Okay.

You're gonna be camouflaged with that wall.

When people walk in, they're gonna be focusing on this dummy.

Then you're gonna pop out of the wall and scare the bejesus out of them.

Got it?

I don't know. Is that gonna work?

I mean, this is my best chance that I'm gonna have with Jillian.

Honestly, I can't imagine anyone being frightened by...

Boo!

Aaaah!

Yes! Do that! That works!

[Chanting "Chug, chug"]

Kenneth: C-H... "Chug."

C-H... "Chug."

C-H... Yeah, I get the pattern.

No! No beer.

Come on, man. Let the kid have a drink.

You're gonna exclude him 'cause he's disabled?

That's discrimination.

Uh, wait, what?

Put your picket signs down.

I'm not gonna get a civil rights lesson by two blond teenagers.

Now, shoo.

"At least water in a red cup"?

Now, that, I can do.

[Rap music plays]

Ben: "He's gone. Beer me."

Sick!

Oh, babe. Thank you so much.

You have really cheered me up tonight.

Aww. I know how to take care of you.

You don't need those kids.

Nah!

Now, about the music.

I'm fine with the ska, but do we have to play the same song over and over and over?

Oh, these have all been different songs.

Yeah, it's just what it is.

[Doorbell rings]

[Ska music plays]

Together: Trick or treat!

Oh, look at the little angels.

Two boys and one girl, like ours.

Jimmy, look.

Oh, I forgot how sweet the little ones are.

[Voice breaking] You were right.

We've lost so much.

What? No. No.

I'm finally feeling better. Don't you start.

Uh, is everything okay?

For you. For now.

Our babies are gone. Forever.

Oh, growing up. Not dead.

No, nobody dies. Ever. It's fine.

Wait. You have a family costume.

Who sent you?!

[Screaming in distance]

Jillian's coming! Do not mess this up.

The stakes could not be higher.

Why'd you say that? How does that help?

Whoa. This is the scariest room yet.

Yeah, I see they took my cobweb idea and really ran with it.

Agh!

Aaah!

I got you, girl.

I've been waiting since the second grade to hear you say that.

Hey, that's my scarousal! Jillian, how could you?!

Why did I even do this haunted house?!

To raise money for the National Honor Society?

Gah!

You are so annoying.

You and Ray would be perfect together!

[Screams]

[Dance music plays]

Kenneth: See?

You don't need beer.

"Can you get me a tissue?"

You got it, boss.

Ben: "Now."

Here you go, buddy.

"I'm cold. Can you get my jacket?"

Sure.

"My other jacket."

♪ Unh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ Unh ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Yo, it's KU, allow me to introduce you ♪

[Laughter]

What's going on here?

What are you saying?

"I...

Nresd tdbjdhortethl."

Dude! You're slurring your words.

Son of a bitch. Are you drunk?

[Laughs]

Where are you going?

Pull over! Pull over!

JJ! I can't believe you did this to me.

"What's the big shhdeal?"

I'll tell you what the big "shhdeal" is.

I'm working hard to earn your parents' trust, and I can't trust you?

When we get home, let me handle this.

And stop running over my damn foot, Alky!

Thought it couldn't get worse, but then my phone died
It was a landslide

This is not the right "Landslide."

No, it's not Stevie Nicks. No.

We don't matter to our kids anymore, darling.

Guess we better get used to many more nights like this one.

So we're not their best friends anymore.

You're still my best friend.

And I'm your best friend.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Mm-hmm.

Who needs the kids, right?

We don't need the kids.

Nah.

We have each other.

Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank God they're here.

Welcome home, sweetheart.

Hey! How was your night?

Terrible!

He seems upset.

I know. I think he needs his mummy.

Really? A boy and his dad... It's a whole thing.

Both: Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Yes!

Damn it!

Yes! Yes! Coming, darling.

I need help!

Ooh, I'll take her. She's easier.

Mm.

It's killing me, Dad.

She kissed another guy. I don't know what to do.

Are you saying you need me?

Yeah.

I'm in love with her.

What's wrong with me?

Why doesn't she feel the same way?

Mummy's here, darling. What is it?

I spilt pig's blood on my favorite jeans.

Weird problem. I'll take it.

Ray: The thing about Jillian is... the moment I saw her, I was crazy about her.

The thing about pig's blood is it just smells so bad.

I've tried everything... being funny, playing it cool.

Rubbing, dabbing, soda water.

I think there's one more thing you have to try.

[Sighs]

Let her go.

When you find the right person, you're not gonna have to work so hard 'cause she'll see in you what you see in her.

Maya: Let them go.

There are stains on here that are much, much worse.

Absolutely disgusting, actually. Revolting.

[Gags]

Thanks, Dad.

Dylan: Thanks, Mom, but...

I'm keeping them.

All right.

[Sighs] All right. Now, let me handle this, okay?

Lose the smile.

JJ!

Oh! Hey!

Hey, buddy! How'd it go?

Hey!

"My first high-school party was great!"

Yeah. "But all that fun has me feeling tired.

I'm gonna hit the hay."

You heard the man.

[Laughs]

Oh, darling, we missed you.

Go on. Give us the highlights.

What was the most fun thing at your party?

Uh, well, first...

Oh, that's right! Looking up at the stars.

Uh, come along, my little Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Time to... time to dream of constellatis.

All right, well, night-night, darling.

Sweet dreams, buddy.

[Vomits]

Bloody hell! He is drunk!

I cannot believe you let this happen.

You, sir, are going on the wall.

I'm sorry.

I said I would take care of him and, um...

Yeah, I screwed up.

You certainly did.

Jimmy: "He didn't know. I T-R-I... tricked him"?

Oh, good! See?

I was down to take the hit, but this little bitch played me.

All right, well... that's a bit much, actually.

Easy!

I'm very disappointed in you, JJ.

[Laughs]

At least he's a happy drunk, though, right?

Drinking at 16. There will be consequences.

What are the consequences? We have never punished him.

Well, w-we'll ground him.

You are grounded for one year.

Three weeks.

Why don't we just do a whole month?

I feel like that's what they did on "Growing Pains."- [Groans]

It's gonna take a lot to earn back our trust, young man.

Oh, that was good!

[Laughs]

Okay. I know we're disappointed.

He's grounded. Blah, blah, blah.

But was that not fantastic?

We just grounded our special-needs son for being a normal teenager.

Eh, well, we don't say normal.

All right. For being an idiot teenager.

Exactly.

Dude.

Not cool, what you did tonight.

I know that you're a teenager and you're gonna try to have fun and try to break the rules, but I'm your caretaker, which means I'm gonna try to stop you.

But between you and me... in this little game of cat-and-mouse, the friend part of me wants you to win.

I feel very comfortable telling you this 'cause you're not gonna remember any of it in the morning.

[Laughs]

Now I'm gonna go back to that party.

You got a text that the cops showed up.

I want to see a bunch of white kids getting handcuffed.

[Laughs]

It turns out our kids still have room for us in their lives.

Yeah. Maybe not for the fun stuff, but for problems... teenage problems, love problems.

Pig blood problems.

I need to drown my sorrows. Do we have any candy?

Yeah. It's Halloween and I haven't had any all night.

I know where we can get some.

["Back to the Future" score plays]

I feel like I fit in, right?

You happy, darling?

Very happy.

I definitely am.

For once, Mom and I aren't a couple.

Well, not in the past, but in the part that plays out in the present day...

Yeah, we don't need it.

Are any of these houses open? I want candy.

We'll find one. It's only 1:45.

[Electricity crackling]