01x06 - D-A-T-E-- DATE?

♪ Hm, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather...

[Laughs]

Can you not mock my vocal warm-ups?

You know my voice cracks when I go high.

And you like to say "Day-um" a lot.

Huh. No one ever parks there.

Have we a new wheelchair user at Lafayette High?

What?

"Red... P-A... parking pass."

T-E-M... "Temporary disabled"?

Dude, relax. I'm blue parking tag for life.

You can be civil.

Claire: Why me?

Why do I have to be in a stupid wheelchair for three whole weeks?

What did I do to deserve this?

I'm a freak.

Great. People are already staring.

What?

Never seen someone in a wheelchair before?

Mm-hmm. Tourists.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. DiMeo, thank you for coming in.

We have a problem.

Kiddo, what happened?

I'm being persecuted for a righteous act of civil disobedience.

Eh, she flipped out and broke a trophy.

And it was the sportsmanship award.

Isn't that ironic?

The trophy culture at this school is a disgrace.

It promotes mediocrity.

Look at them, Mom.

"Participation."

"Most improved."

"Most improved participation"?

Well, that's the one you break.

All right, we're debating which trophy to break next, obviously, Dylan will replace this one.

Are there any other consequences we should discuss?

Well, we've explored our disciplinary options...

Suspension, detention...

But we decided on a more positive...

Do not pull out a trophy.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Why are you taking a picture of your nipple?

I noticed something in the shower.

Doesn't it look off to you?

[Exhales] No, Ray. It's gorgeous.

Is that what you want to hear?

[Cellphone chimes]

Ooh.

Mmm.

Oh, no, it's for my sangria.

If you want fruit, there's jelly beans in the cupboard.

Oh, right, your party's tonight.

It's not a party.

It is a gathering of special-needs mothers.

That usually gets broken up by the cops.

Mom, Dad, I just got a text.

Really? Well, good for you.

No, it gets better.

Justin Chang and his friends want to come over to watch the MMA fight tonight.

This is the guys' night I need.

After Jillian broke my heart, I decided to take a year off from women...

A vow of celibacy.

But, darling, what will the women do?

Not my problem.

I'm focused on myself and deepening my male friendships.

You can have you guys' night, but heads up... your mother's special-needs mom group is coming over, too.

No. Negative. Reschedule.

Those ladies are nuts!

You're gonna embarrass me.

We will not.

But if you get embarrassed by six strong mums who party as hard as they love, well, you need to check your privilege.

Is that right?

I think so.

[Scoffs]

You seriously expect me to take a test on World War II?

War? Marching? Hello.

JJ! There you are. Thank God.

Um, Claire here is, uh... She's, uh...

She's a spirited student who was recently injured.

I'm... I'm sorry. What happened exactly?

I was training for nationals.

I was on the balance beam.

I under-rotated my dismount and snapped both of my ankles.

Tell it again.

I'm sorry, but how does that affect us?

Um, Claire has had a little bit of difficulty adjusting, and so I was hoping that JJ could show her how you navigate the school.

"I'll do it."

Yes! Thank you.

Thank you so much, sweet JJ, thank you.

No backsies!

Okay.

"My... Lafayette High."

"Ramp."

"Elevator."

"Poster that says they like people in wheelchairs."

"That concludes... our tour."

That's all you get?

There's my supermodel.

If anybody asks, you didn't get it from me.

He also gets this, but that ain't the wheelchair.

That's just charm.

That looks amazing.

Oh, I can't. I'm in training.

[Scoffs]

You're right.

Screw it.

I haven't had sugar in 10 years.

Mmm. This tastes so much better than gymnastics.

Mm. "That's why... I quit."

[Laughs]

I've been a real pain.

I can't believe you're being so nice to me.

And to think, I mean, we wouldn't have even met if it weren't for the...

[Gasps] They have cookies?! Oh.

Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Someone is coming around on the red tag, huh?

"Oh, just because she's in a wheelchair?"

Oh, come on, man. You know that's not how I think.

You, on the other hand, won't rest until you get me with the one black lady in your neighborhood.

"Ms. Jamison is a Libra."

I know our signs are compatible... not the point.

You like this girl?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, that's all I needed to know.

Switching from aide to wingman in three, two...

Welcome back, Claire.

Uh, my man and I were just talking.

Uh, what's on tap for you physical therapy-wise?

We haven't talked about it.

My parents are going through a divorce, so I'm not sure anyone can take me.

Huh. That's a more depressing answer than I was prepared for.

Well, we've got a great one.

Maybe join us tomorrow?

Great. Let's.

Oh, my God, you got her to smile.

You are a miracle worker, JJ.

Hey!

Just like the poster.

What? Oh!

Uh-huh.

So, guys, while we wait for the fight to start, would anyone like to talk about some conversation starters?

[Clears throat]

"Have you ever spoken in front of a larger group of people?

How did it go?"

You guys see Lucy Mullins' student council speech?

She's so hot.

She's so hot.

I'm gonna vote for her, and I don't even agree with any of her policies.

[Laughter]

Lucy Mullins?

More like loose melons, am I right?

[Laughter]

Nice wordplay, dude. Smart stuff.

Lucy's cute, but I've had hotter.

Jeremy Goldstein's bar mitzvah... his cousin.

Ooh.

She's hot, but I kissed her friend, who's even hotter.

How about you, Ray?

Hottest girl you ever hooked up with?

You know, I'm not really a kiss-and-tell kind of guy.

Let's hear more about this bar mitzvah.

Did Jeremy speak in front of a large group?

How did it go?

This is really fun.

But are we gonna talk at all about the issues facing special-needs parents?

Of course we are, and here's an issue.

My glass is empty. Ha-ha!

What's going on back there?

Oh, Ray's got some friends over.

You let him hang out with the door closed?

I'd never let may Jason do that.

I caught him and his friends smoking pot the other day.

I found Briana with a boy in her room.

She said they were just naked dry humping, but I don't know.

Jason's therapist says that special-needs siblings tend to act out because they need to feel they're being heard.

Hey, listen. I'm not gonna let you blame yourself, and here's why.

You're perfect.

You're perfect.

You're perfect.

You're perfect.

That's a plant.

[Laughter]

Gonna sit down.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

That fight was crazy!

Now, that's mixed martial artistry.

So, what do you guys want to do now?

Now? As in you want the night to continue?

Yeah. This is great.

You know, I get the acting out thing, but I'm not worried about Ray.

You know, he can close his door.

Is he a teenager?

Honey, wake up and sniff the Adderall.

But Ray really does tell me everything.

Poor love. Took a vow of celibacy.

[Giggles] As if that changes anything.

And tonight is a guys' night to "deepen his male friendships."

Aww!

[Laughter]

Dude, is that why we're here?

[Laughter]

You said you wouldn't embarrass me!

I'm sorry, darling.

And I know "Mommy had a bit too much sangria" isn't the explanation you're looking for.

It was going so well!

Now I have to go salvage my rep with Justin Chang.

And everyone knows that Justin Chang does not give second chances!

I'll just give him some beer.

Do we have anything in the fridge?

I'm not giving you beer.

You are a very unhelpful level of drunk!

Hey, Ray. How's that, uh, vow of celibacy?

[Laughter]

You think my mom knows what this dirty dog gets up to?

What do you mean?

She doesn't know this, but I have one girlfriend...

....that I know of.

I guess we should just take your word for it.

Or we could check for pictures of her on your phone.

I don't take pictures of her.

I'd much rather live in the moment than observe it through a lens.

Wait. Is that what I think it is?

What?

No way.

She sent you a nipple pic?

Oh. Yep.

That's from my girlfriend.

She sent me a sext.

And that's the sext.

Ray, you're awesome.

I am.

And that is hers.

It look healthy, right?

Look at all these trophies.

"Best breather."

And this one just says, "You read a book!"

I'm not in a teasing mood, Jimmy.


Hey, buddy. We were waiting.

I just have a quick question.

Oh, just... just have a quick question.

Is it "Will these people stand idly by while I cut?"

'Cause the answer is no!

What urgent trophy matter has the two of us standing back here like a couple of...

What an honor!

The most important man in the world in our local trophy shop.

He's shorter than I thought.

Are you done?

I'm sorry.

I can't let someone dump on me and not do anything about it.

[Laughs]

Honey, that's my job description.

You know what? Forget school.

You're coming with me. I'll show you how it's done.

Happy to have you with us today, Claire.

Two for the price of one. That's fun.

All right, why don't you describe for me your typical exercise regimen.

Well, I'm usually in the gym for two hours before school and another three after.

I have 6% body fat, and I still have a shot at Tokyo in 2020.

Okay.

Squeeze this a few times.

[Grunts]

Yeah. Get it, get some.

Yeah, you're the boss.

[Groans loudly]

93, 94...

And... center.

What do you mean? Like... Like this?

Oh, I was talking to myself.

That's it. We've got you.

That's it. Yep.

Nobody likes a show-off.

Come on, the doctor said you were cleared for weight bearing.

I'm not ready.

"I did it. You can do it."

I can't, I can't.

"Come on, Rock."

Dude, not loving this new square.

[As Burgess Meredith] Come on, Rock!

You can do it, Rock!

Stop telling him to call me The Rock.

Not The Rock... Rock.

From "Rocky"?

I've never seen that.

You've never seen "Rocky"?!

And up.

[Grunts]

I did it.

I did it. This is great!

Thank you, JJ.

Thank you, uh, guy... Guy who yells at Rock.

Rocky. Rocky. Sit back down.

This went well, right?

Hey, this chick is digging you.

"You don't understand.

I know how girls see me.

Like a friend or a teddy bear."

JJ, you really think that?

"Let it go.

It's... E-A... easier."

Claire: Hey.

So, my mom just texted me.

She's going on a Tinder date tonight.

She's really getting back out there with a vengeance.

But anyway, I have the house to myself tonight if you want to come over and study for midterms?

Yes, that's a yes.

Uh, hold on.

Yes.

Cool.

So, I'll... I'll see you later.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

And it gets better. She has a twin sister.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Dr. Miller: Young man. Young man! In my office now. And bring your phone.

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

[Applause]

[Chanting "Ray! Ray!"]

[Cheering]

Stop it.

Sorry I'm late. What's the occasion?

Did you win an essay contest, Ray?

Or find a mistake in a standardized test?

I'm afraid not. Ray's been distributing this.

It's a sexual photo of a girl's nipple.

Sexual?

Sexual.

Sexual?

Sexual.

Sexual?

Can you please both stop saying "sexual"?

Is that true?

Now, this is the first time something so, well...

[inhales] hot has happened at this school.

The Lafayette community is awaiting my response.

You will be made an example of.

Now, do either of you have any questions?

But...

Oh, God, she's not yelling at me.

It's more serious than I thought.

Woman: Attention, ladies and gentlemen.

See all those angry people there?

They just arrived from Hawaii without any of their luggage.

[Sighs] Watch and learn.

Hello. How can I help you?

If you've lost my bag, I have no belts.

I'm terribly sorry.

Can I offer you $10 off your next flight?

Okay, if I'm not strumming that ukulele by tomorrow, I will eat your family.

I'm gonna put the word "priority" in your file.

[Speaks Swedish] _

[Speaks Swedish] _

[Feedback squeaks]

[Amplified] Attention, everyone. Shut up.

You're all terrible people with the saddest tan lines I've ever seen coming off any Hawaiian flight.

What do you use? 90 SPF? Weak.

[Chuckles] Sorry about her. She's in training.

How can you just take that?

Those people are treating you the way I treat Ray, and that is disgusting.

Where is all this anger coming from?

I'm sick of this family constantly being messed with.

And I guess I'm a freak, but I'm sorry.

I just can't hold it all in.

I'm not like you.

I can't do that either. [Sighs]

After I finish this, I got something I want to show you.

Ooh-whoo! Yes.

You, my dude, look ready.

"It's not a date."

Okay, yeah. Whatever you say.

"What if... it is?"

Just be yourself.

People love that guy.

You need anything?

The chain?

I was 30 before I could pull this off.

There.

"Day-um!" See?

This is why I do the vocal exercises.

Let's go.

Oh, hey, guys. Come on in.

Oh, I love the gold chain, JJ.

It's so '80s.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Get in there.

[Smooching]

Well, hello, everyone.

[Smooches] Love you.

I don't even know you!

All this talk of celibacy and male friendship, meanwhile I'm harboring the Nipple King of Lafayette High.

I don't deserve that title.

How could I have been so blind?

My drunk mums were right.

You don't get enough attention.

You don't understand.

Well, then help me understand.

I want to tell you, but if I do, you have to promise you will not speak of this to anyone.

Oh, my God, what? Is it a baby?

I won't love it, Ray. I'm sorry.

All right, not a word. I promise.

This is the picture.

Wait a minute.

Other one.

You twit.

What possessed you to send that thing around?

Hey, you humiliated me in front my friends.

He stepped up.

You're innocent.

Let's go tell the principal and just clear this up.

No way!

If this gets out, I'll be a laughingstock.

I can't handle it.

I do not have the strength of character.

You raised me. That is on you.

But you're not getting in trouble for this.

I can't let that happen.

It's my call.

It stays between... the three of us.

I trusted you. You promised.

Hm? What's that?

Yes, oh.

Oh, he says he's with me.

And he wants to tell the principal.

If looking at the stars is supposed to calm me down, it ain't working, old man.

That one's looking at me funny.

Just wait for it.

Aaaaah!

Ha!

Sometimes I need to blow off some steam.

This is how I let it go. Try it.

Aaaah...

Wait for a plane.

That makes more sense.

Aaaaaah! Aaaaaah!

[Gasps]

I like it.

So you get angry.

Don't ever let it make you feel weird or different.

You're certainly no different than me.

[Smooches]

I think I got it all out.

That constellation looks like a trophy.

Aaaaah!

I don't understand it.

All the signs were there. I am never wrong about women.

Except for my two ex-wives.

Am I always wrong about women?

Wait. Are... are you just gonna go without saying goodbye?

"Like she'll... N-O... notice."

Hey, JJ. Thanks for coming tonight.

You know, I kind of hate you right now.

I am still sore from earlier.

[Chuckles]

That's the first workout I've done since my accident.

I guess I'm not in JJ shape.

Well, um, good night.

"Wait." Uh...

"I want to show you 'Rocky.'"

I'd love to see "Rocky" with you.

See ya.

That's the chain.

Shh!

Darling, you know I'm right.

You can't get in trouble for this nonsense.

Huge mistake. I can't watch you do it.

It should be my choice.

You're right... I did tell you everything.

I trusted you.

I liked that.

I can't do that anymore.

[Door opens]

Why don't you two come on in?

Hold on.

One last time.

Dr. Miller, before you pass judgment on my son, there is something you need to know about this picture.

Do you want to tell her?

This poor, poor girl...

Ray is a sexually deviant young man.

You mean it?

Yes, I do.

He's ready to accept his punishment.

Ray, you will be suspended for a week, and I'll compose a letter to every Lafayette family detailing the consequences, so they know that this will not be tolerated.

That is great!

Thank you, Dr. Miller. Thank you, Mom.

You guys rock!

This really did go well, didn't it?

Oh, hello, love. Your next DiMeo's here.

Hi, Doctor. I replaced the trophy that I broke.

I've learned my lesson.

Thank you.

Why are we looking at Ray's nipple?

[Sighs]

Ray? This is you?

Why didn't you say so?

Oh, that letter will be so much more fun to write!

Aaaaaaaah!

That's it, buddy. Let it out.