01x07 - T-H-A-- THANKSGIVING

Greetings, TV audience. I am...

I-I'll take it from here.

Hi, there.

I'm Dr. William DiMeo, San Diego's premier cosmetic dentist.

Dad, Uncle Billy's commercial's on.

Set chair to "brother."

I treat every smile that walks through that door like it's my own.

Scaler?

Here, Doctor.

I did her, too.

And I want to give you the DiMeo smile.

Do we have to spend Thanksgiving with that narcissist?

Well, we only see him once a year.

But shouldn't you see him every six months?

[Chuckles] Dentist joke.

[Whistles]

Smile!

Smile, smile, smile!

Hey, that's my line.

Smile.

[Ding!]

Oh, make it stop.

And... off.

[Sighs]

I don't care.

It's worth it.

I don't know if the sale rack has anything for Thanksgiving at the country club.

Ooh, spoke too soon.

Da-da-da-da-da. Put that back.

I'm the fancy bitch in this family.

Ray: Why are we going at all?

I hate Thanksgiving with these guys.

There's always so much family drama.

Remember when I said humidity was my kryptonite?

I was wrong. It's drama.

"So, in this, you're Superman?"

Ray's right.

I mean, Billy and his perfect family don't understand us, and they don't even try.

We work bloody hard. We deserve a fun Thanksgiving.

Billy is my brother. It's family.

It matters.

What in the world is more important?

[Choir vocalizes]

Hey, thank you, TV, for answering that question.

We're gonna bail and come buy this.

Yes!

Yes!

♪ ♪

Kenneth!

Jimmy and I were just talking.

We've decided to stay home for Thanksgiving.

As you're part of the family now, we'd love for you to join.

And since it's tomorrow, you get to act generous knowing I already have plans and won't come.

No.

Great. I don't have plans. I'd love to come.

You don't have plans?! What is wrong with you?

Well, I didn't feel like traveling this year, and some lady's making me work on Friday.

[Laughs]

[Sighs] Fine.

Bring your own plate. We only have five.

Right, darling, everything's set.

Black Friday plan, friendless weirdo...

Time to call your brother and cancel.

You haven't told him you're not coming yet?

That's rude.

Now, you see, stuff like this...

This is why you have nowhere to go.

Okay, team. What is our excuse?

I love a good family lie. The house blew up?

Last-minute invitation to Henry Winkler's.

I have taken a lover.

And JJ's sick it is.

Ah, man.

We use that excuse for everything.

I'm sorry, you use your son's disability as your own personal get-out-of-jail-free card?

Don't judge us.

Having an excuse to get out of stuff is one of the, like, three benefits of being a special-needs family.

"There's skipping lines at amusement parks."

Good parking spots.

And it's taught us lots about human dignity, patience, and compassion.

Blah, blah, blah.

Hey, buddy. It's Jimmy.

We... Yeah, we... we saw the new commercial.

[Laughing] Funny.

Yeah, we got that they were all you.

Listen, I hate to do this at the last minute, but we got to cancel tomorrow.

Yeah, JJ's sick.

[Gags]

Yeah, on top of the cerebral palsy.

Yeah, that still hasn't cleared up.

Yeah, all right. Okay, bye.

Oh, well done, darling.

They're coming here.

No!

Crap!

No!

We were so bloody close to having a fun Thanksgiving.

That's all I want.

"Girls just want to have fun." Lauper.

Seriously. I'm not being rude.

Do you ever get invited anywhere on purpose?

Come on.

What is so bad about Jimmy's relatives?

Oi! Everyone get in here.

Kenneth wants to know what's so wrong with Uncle Billy's family.

Ugh.

Let's start big picture.

You'd think Jimmy's family, after years with JJ, would have developed some understanding, some extra care, compassion.

Instead what you get is a lot of talking to JJ like he's deaf!

Then there are these individuals' specific quirks.

Like cousin Duncan.

Every year he has a new catchphrase.

Dope!

Sick!

[Balls clack]

Noish!

It will be the only thing he says all day.

"Aunt Audrey's mom puts on a show for one lucky hostage."

♪ ♪

I'll assume that moving is a standing ovation.

Then there's Dr. Billy, who is crazy-rich and will not go a sentence without reminding me.

Billy: 3:15?

Oh!

Still on Saint-Tropez time.

Hey, you know how to set a Rolex with diamonds all around it?

Then there's his wife, Audrey.

She apparently feels our pain more than we do.

Look at you all. You're just so brave.

[Sobbing]

Oh, I'm sorry, JJ. I'm leaving you out.

[Sobs]

You'll see. Audrey's the worst.

No one is worse than Duncan.

"Duncan doesn't give you lap dances."

I promise I'll be stuck watching Audrey cry 10 times tomorrow.

I bet you Billy humble-brags more than Audrey cries.

I'll take that action.

I want in on this.

"Deal me in, suckas!"

Ooh, hold on!

I know how to make Thanksgiving fun.

What if we turn their annoyances into a game?

Dylan gets a point every time Duncan says his word.

I get one when Audrey cries, JJ when Joan dances, Jimmy when Billy humble-brags, and Ray...

Wants no part of this.

You're gonna try and draw out more of the behavior that drives you crazy.

That's maximum drama.

Good, 'cause we didn't have anyone for you anyway.

I'm actually looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Not since "A Spoonful of Sugar" has a British lady made something so crappy fun.

Mwah.

"Does the game have stakes?"

You know how every year Uncle Billy always slips Dad a wad of pity cash?

Winner takes all.

Now that's something to be thankful for.

Noish!

Happy Thanksgiving, Ray.

Why did you come here?

It's your day off. Run.

You keep stressing like that, you're gonna give yourself an ulcer.

At least then my acid reflux would have a friend.

Listen, I hate drama, too.

Last year, I was the victim of identity theft.

Just let the guy keep my name.

You need to fix that.

Eh. Actually improved my credit.

Look, if you really want to avoid drama at a family event, there's only one play.

Hide out in the kitchen.

But my mom's in there.

It's the epicenter of drama.

Which is why you and I will be taking over the cooking.

Oh. Likey.

Don't do that.

[Doorbell rings]

They're here!

Okay, contestants, on your marks, get set... go.

Hello, everyone.

There she is!

Hi. Thank you.

So good to see you.

Oh, hey, Jimbo.

Are you doing a house-flip thing here?

Smart.

Huh? This is quite the "before" pic.

[Chuckles] Judges?

Douchey, not a brag.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Who wants to see my newest satisfied customer?

Open up. Huh?

Ah!

Wow.

He'll grow into those.

Hey, Duncan.

Hm.

Denied.

There he is.

I have something "muy caliente" prepared.

My biggest fan... meet my newest fan.

[Chuckles]

You want me to dance already?

No, "pathienthia."

Oh, good, he's feeling better.

Hi, JJ! Gobble, gobble!

His hearing is actually perfect.

He just can't speak.

Oh, well, not yet he can't.

[Voice breaking] But you never give up hope, do you?

[Crying] Oh, I'm sorry, I...

Aw. Yes.

[Ding!]

Suck it.

There we go.

Your mom gave us the kitchen, and I've created a drama force field.

[Chuckles]

Now, let's get down to business.

[Cellphone chimes]

How do you cook?

You've never done this before?

How hard could it be?

We just got to get this turkey out of here.

It's taking up all the space in the one oven that works.

Mom said two more hours at 325.

Sounds like one more hour at 650 to me.

Or 39,000 degrees for one minute.

Did you just do that in your head?

Damn, you're a good chef!

♪ ♪

And here's the bathroom.

Just one to service the whole family.

Very sad.

Note the lack of door.

Maybe Santa will bring us one.

And yet, still you rise.

[Crying] I don't know how you do it.

[Ding!]

Sorry.

When I'm pregnant, I get so much more emotional.

Oh, I didn't even think of that.

Check out these video games.

Pretty sick, huh?

Or whatever word really cool people are using.

Come on, dude, what's it gonna take?

I've got comic books.

Bag of Ray's baby teeth.

Lite-Brite?

Yaaass!


[Ding!]

Yes!

Yaaass!

[Ding!]

[Flamenco music playing]

[Castanets clacking]

JJ is loving this more than usual.

It must be the dress.

[Ding!]

You're wasting time, darling.

Everyone else is racking up the points.

Oh, yeah, hope I can catch up.

Yeah.

Thanks, bro.

[Clears throat]

So...

You saw the new Tesla, right?

Everyone wants to look inside it.

Like they've never seen a rich guy save the planet before.

Took it to Vegas, lost 15 grand... in taxes that I paid on my winnings.

[Ding!]

Oh, God, my last commercial, it was so huge, it's like, how do I top it?

You know?

I was gonna shoot it on my yacht, but apparently, "You need permits, sir."

[Chuckles] I don't know.

I should just run for mayor. Everyone's asking me to.

I'll finally get 'em off my ass, you know?

[Laughs]

[Ding ding ding!]

So, things are good.

Okay, outside is burnt, but inside is, uh...

75 degrees!

Okay, so what we need to do is take some of this cook and put it in here.

So much for avoiding drama. We've ruined Thanksgiving.

Ruined?

Hey, have you ever been to the supermarket?

They have a whole case full of cooked baby turkeys.

Those are rotisserie chickens.

Well, you know that because you are a chef.

No, I'm sorry, darling. That only counts as one dance.

"She changed... " S-T-Y... "styles five times."

It's a medley, JJ.

What can I say? My hands are tied.

[Sighs] Mark me down for two more yaaasses.

He is on fire.

That's good, darling, but we're all playing for second place.

Your dad's cleaning up, and he's not even trying.

I'm done playing the market. Who needs the stress?

One day I lose 10K, then I make 100K...

[Ding!]

...then I lose 5K, then I make 200K.

[Ding!]

Get me off this ride!

You and me both, buddy.

♪ ♪

See? I told you this plan was perfect.

You think they'll notice that our turkey has 16 tiny legs?

Nah, with the amount of hormones they pump into these birds, there's no right number of legs a turkey has anymore.

Okay, drama averted.

[Cellphone rings]

Excuse me.

[Cellphone beeps]

Take a hint!

When it rings once and it goes to voicemail, I'm ignoring you!

Stop calling me, woman!

[Cellphone beeps]

We're gonna need some bowls for this stuff.

You know, Ray, uh, I wonder if you noticed back there, I took a call.

I caught that, yeah.

It's just a little family stuff.

It's why I chose to be here today.

And now I feel like I ruined our peaceful vibe.

No, nothing's ruined. We still got a nice mellow...

It's just that my sister Kendall comes into town, and she gets with my mom, and it's just Crap on Kenneth Day.

So, back to the food...

And then my dad joins in, and God forbid say anything against the colonel.

This is starting to feel like drama.

You're gonna attack me now, too, NC?

That's for "New Colonel."

I don't want to be the new colonel.

And I don't want to be the Clements family disappointment.

Okay, four seconds ago, I didn't know your last name.

Let's go back to that.

So what are you driving these days?

Same wheelchair-accessible van we've had for a decade.

Good for you, because honestly...

Oh, let me guess.

I'm lucky I drive a crappy car.

Owning great things is the worst.

Being rich sucks?

Easy.

I'm just saying it's stressful having all that horsepower.

Oh, shut up.

What is this constant need to prove that you're better than me?

We're not 13.

I'm a 13 handicap.

Ugh, enough about the golf and the yacht.

You forgot the car, which I'm very, very proud of.

Well, guess what.

I could outrace you in your Tesla with my old junker any day.

Oh, it's on.

It's on.

No.

Now it's on.

The car?

Turned it on with my phone.

Well, that actually is pretty cool.

Yep.

See what you do to me, Ray?

You find my insecurities, and you poke.

And you poke, and you poke!

I don't think I poked, but if there was any unintentional poking...

[Laughing] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You'd fit just fine in my family.

[Chuckles]

Just fine.

Look, the holidays are a tricky time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Play it cool.

Make me out to be the crazy one.

Crazy Kenneth!

Oh, hell no!

You did not just walk away from me.

Mom!

[Engine revving]

What is going on here?

What does it look like, dear?

It's a driving-skills competition.

Is that my granny's urn?

[Imitates engine revving]

It's electric car. It doesn't rev.

[Imitates engine revving]

Honey, is this a good idea?

Honey, stay out of it.

I've stayed out of it.

That's what got us into this mess.

I'm doing it.

Jimmy, you ready?

Three, two...

No!

Don't wreck the car! It's a rental.

[Sighs]

It's true. We're broke.

We've lost everything.

What?

Really?

I gambled it all away.

And then I tried to claw my way back by selling unnecessary procedures...

Braces for babies, everybody got a night guard.

And then Channel 10 blew the lid off the whole damn thing.

But, hey, hey, hey. We're gonna get it all back.

Look what I built with just a dental degree and 800 grand from your dad.

What's going on?

We were having a really nice day until it all got ruined because of this stupid competition.

What did I tell you? So, they bug you.

Deal with it.

Instead you turned them into pawns in your stupid mocking game.

Game?

What game?

They didn't know about that part, son.

Drama, drama, drama.

Damn you and your drama, NC!

I don't want to be the new colonel.

So, that's all we are to you? The butt of some cruel joke?

Audrey: What were you betting on?

[Voice breaking] I mean, what do I do that's so ridiculous anyway?

Nothing, we... We didn't have one for you.

Okay.

You want to play a game about people's annoying stuff?

Because we can play a game about people's annoying stuff.

Like, I don't know, a sister-in-law that goes on like a British Erin Brockovich.

[Cockney accent] I took on the system, I did, I did.

Yeah, tell her, honey. Meh, meh.

Witty wisecrack. Meh, meh, meh.

Maya: No, no, it's good, it's good, it's good.

Get it out, get it out, whether it's accurate or not.

Oh, and don't forget about JJ.

He's got that sick "Harold and Maude" thing going on with Joan.

"I do. Sorry, society."

But you guys can mock us all you want because you've got problems.

No, no, no, you're right.

We... We're so focused on the fact that you don't understand our problems.

We didn't even consider that you might actually have problems of your own.

This is good, you know, 'cause we're actually talking about something.

Yeah, like a family.

You annoy us, we annoy you.

I'm glad the game came out.

What game?

And you see, Ray, that is how you enter a conversation.

It really seemed like you were talking about the game.

Maybe this can be a fresh start.

Maybe our Thanksgiving can be something different.

And maybe we don't even have any turkey or sides.

I love that idea, Maya.

Billy... let's take a walk.

[Door opens]

Ray. Hey, man.

In the harsh light of day, I may been working through some stuff and unfairly transferred some things onto you.

It's okay.

Could you have handled it a little bit better than you did?

Doesn't matter. Happy Thanksgiving.

This is nice, just you and me.

We never do this.

No.

Kid wasn't sick, was he?

You just didn't want to come.

Ah.

How much honesty were you looking for today?

[Sighs]

Look, I get that you guys have stuff going on, but people have problems and brothers at the same time.

That's the first thing you've said in 10 years that isn't about how much stuff you've got.

Yeah, well, I'm poor now. I got to mix it up.

For the record, we didn't just cancel because we didn't want to hang out with you.

Oh, no? What, you got big plans?

Huge.

60 inches.

♪ ♪

Audrey: Wow, long line.

I'm not sure you're gonna get your TV.

Ooh, where you going?

"I know a guy."

Is this okay?

Yeah, just go with it.

Thank you.

Oh, whoa, whoa. What the hell?

I've been sitting here for 36 hours.

"I've been sitting here for 16 years."

Yaaass!

What is yaaass?

I guess it's my way of compensating for the fact that sometimes I feel I have nothing of value to contribute to a conversation.

It's... It's like verbal armor.

No, I just meant, what is it?

Oh, it's like "yes."

[Crying] I just... I don't have any words.

It's just so good.

Oh, God.

So, I shouldn't be insulted that you cried about me at all.

You're just nuts.

So nuts.

[Sobbing]

Damn it, Kendall! Let your brother get a word in!

I'm calling because...

I was inspired to make things right.

No, no, don't put the colonel on.

I'll...

I ain't gonna talk to him 'cause...

Hello, sir!

Okay, let's load this sucker up.

[Crowd groans]

Wow.

Actually, change of plans.

Excuse me.

Hi.

I just bought the last 60-inch super-high-def TV.

It lists at $1,000.

The bidding starts at $200.

Are you kidding me?

$200!

$250!

Enjoy.

No. What?

I can't. No way.

Please.

How many times have you helped my family out over the years?

13.

Okay.

Well, that wasn't just for you.

I really like stuff being all about me.

Sure.

Here. Here you go.

Buy yourself something nice, kid.

Okay.

Well, that was lovely.

Hm.

We really do host a very nice Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

Except we didn't feed them.

Let's go home and have some turkey.

Sorry, no can do. JJ's sick.

Hi, I'm Dr. William DiMeo. Just one of me this time.

In dentistry, like in life, there are ups and downs.

But you know what's constant? Family.

Like JJ, my real-life nephew.

If he likes me, I can't be all bad, huh?

Are we okay with him using JJ to get his patients back?

Shh!

So take it from loveable, trustworthy JJ, and come on back and let me give you the DiMeo smile.

Special holiday offer... Two teeth whitenings for the price of one.