01x08 - R-A-Y-C-- RAY-CATION

Good morning, DiMeos.

Mysterious. You have my interest.

These are the Channel Islands.

There are eight of them... Santa Cruz, Anacapa...

You lost my interest.

Oh, no, let him finish, Jimmy.

Go on about the map, darling. Where's the treasure?

My class is taking a trip to the Channel Islands.

A week of peace and relaxation I desperately need.

A Ray-cation, if you will.

That's clever.


Not write-it-on-your-hand clever.


There's one problem.

The boat leaves at 8:00 a.m. sharp, no exceptions.

So, my question.

Can we please, for once in our lives, be on time for something?

Tomorrow? No, I need more time than that.

The field trip is in a month.


If we wait a month, someone else could find the treasure.

Do you know what? I'm offended.

I mean, of course we'll get you to your field trip on time.

Don't worry.

Thank you.

And if we're a few minutes late, big deal, they'll wait.

No, we have to be on time.

I want practice runs.

With enough preparation, we can do this.

Okay, we'll do practice runs.

Geez, Ray, we're not even late that often.

We're late for school right now.

Yeah, he wrote that on his hand, too.

See, that's my kind of presentation.

♪ ♪

Let's go, people!

We need to take these practice runs seriously if I'm gonna get to my field trip on time.

How much time do we have?

Three minutes.

Gotcha. Just gonna take a quick bath.

No baths!

Mom, you said you'd be out here ten minutes ago!

I'm getting JJ dressed, okay?

JJ's right here!

Okay, fine. I was doing a maze.

The monkey found the bananas.

Finally! Three down, two to go.

I forgot my sack of marbles.

Are you from The Depression?

Okay, Dad, can we just go now?

Hey, whole family has to do practice runs, 'cause we all want to see you off for your trip.

Okay, now we're just waiting on Mom.


And the boat left.

I give us a B-plus.

[School bell rings]

Dude, there's Claire.

You asked her out over a week ago.

When are you gonna set up that date?

"She was just being nice."

Would you stop with that? I'm telling you that...

Hey, JJ.

Don't kill me.

I know we were supposed to see "Rocky" together, but I watched it over Thanksgiving.


Yeah, my family had it on, and I couldn't say no.

And I loved it.

I am in your hands.

Whatever movie you pick next, that's what we're watching.

♪ ♪

[Door opens]

Christmas is coming!

Are we doing it?

Time for my little psychic to tell me which toy every kid will have to have.

So we can hoard them, jack up the price, and fleece desperate schmucks who can't tell their kids no.

I'm sorry. I just love this time of year.

24 hours with these puppies, and I'll come back with your winner.

Right there. That's why you're my favorite.

Back here, doing homework.

Yeah, you are.

♪ ♪

Mr. and Mrs. DiMeo? We have big news.

"I like a girl."

Good for you, Kenneth. Go to her.

JJ likes a girl.

No! Really?

Hang on!

Yeah, that's right.

She's coming over Friday to watch a movie.

That's amazing!

It is not amazing. It is normal.

Don't say "normal." Say "typical."

Son, that is typical.

That doesn't feel like anything.

Tell us about her. What's she like?

Is she hot?

She's a child!

Oh, fine.

"She is hot."


Oh, we're so excited.

We knew it was only a matter of time.

Oh, it's finally happening!

It's finally happening.

We knew it was only a matter of time.

I don't want JJ to get his heart broken, Jimmy.

And it would take a very special girl to be with him.

And she's hot.

What are the chances she's hot and special?

I mean, you are.

Yeah, yeah.

I want to help him, like I do with everything else.

But this is different.

I can't exactly yell at that girl to make her love him.

No, you can't.

What if I yell at the mother?


♪ ♪


[Exhales sharply]

Ray: You've lost your touch.

You're too old to tell which of these is fun.

No. That's not the problem. They're all fun.

A dog that poops, fun.

Big Top Junie?

Who wouldn't want a clown doll that laughs for no reason?

[Doll laughing]

Read the room, Junie!

My powers and my childhood... They've left me.

I guess it's time to experience the joys of womanhood.

Do you know what night "Scandal's" on?

How are you gonna tell Dad?

It's your special thing with him.

And that smile he gets?

It's time!

There it is.


Which one's gonna be the hot toy this year?

♪ ♪

It's her, Big Top Junie.

She has won my heart.

Amazing, Dylan.

See, I-I look at this, and I think, "This is awful.

No one's gonna want this."

And yet, off I go to buy a dozen.

That's vision.

What are you thinking?

Shut up, Ray.

[Doll laughing]

Oh, it laughs too?

Aah! I hate it!


♪ ♪


We snuck in the back 'cause we didn't want to disturb JJ on his date.

Aw, you're making him a snack.

Uh, no. Oh, good idea, though.

No, I'm giving him his space.

JJ can't put the moves on her if I'm in there.

Are you kidding?

He can't put the moves on her unless you're in there.

"Citizen Kane" was good.

But what did it say on the sled? I couldn't read it.

Maya: Oh, God.

It's like a Richard Pryor/ Gene Wilder movie.

What were you thinking?

I didn't want to crowd them.

I wanted things to progress naturally.

Do you see a lot of things progressing naturally with JJ?

Does he progress naturally from the house to the car?

Does food progress naturally to his mouth?

I'm seeing your point, but your tone is unwelcome.

Listen, you make a good sandwich, but as a wing man for JJ, you kind of suck.

Seriously though, amazing sandwich.

[Gasps] I know how I can help him!

All this time I've been worried about JJ getting his heart broken, but his biggest challenge is simply the act of dating.

It's an accessibility issue.

I can do that. I've been doing that his whole life.

JJ needs a ramp to this girl's...


That is so sweet. I was gonna say "boobs."

Hi, darling.

"Her ride's here.

Get the door?"

Mommy's gonna help you with your love life, darling.


With all due respect, the night went better than you think.

JJ might be about to get his first kiss.

[Door opens]

Later, gator.

[Door closes]

Just a little help?

"Please, please, please?"

Please, please?

The last two were mine.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

What about my breakfast?

No time, here!

Can't find my pants.

No time!


[Tires screech]

Cut through that alley!

[Tires screech]

I feel like Vin Diesel!

Ooh, JJ's trying to say something.

W-H-E... "Whee!"

We got this! We got this!

Ooh, that store sells Big Top Junie. Pull over!

[Tires screech]

Hey, watch it!

[Tires screech]


And the boat left.

JJ faces some challenges in his quest to woo this young lady.

Romance blooms in the garden of spontaneity.

A perfectly timed word of affection, a well-timed kiss.

Are you gonna be doing all those things?


With our help, you will do everything on your date to make this girl fall in love with you and live happily ever after.

Now, what issues are we facing?

No hot tub, huh?

I don't want to hear why you think a hot tub is essential to seduction, Kenneth.

It's not something you tell. It's something you show.

And you ain't invited.

There is positioning that needs to happen.

Initiating a kiss is a tough nut to crack.

It is not a Mummy kiss, which is so easy.


You run a weird meeting, dear.

JJ's date is going to be like Disneyland.

It will appear effortless, but behind the scenes it will be preparation, work, and precision.

Are you in?

Are you sure you don't want to just borrow my hot tub?

Ah, you're here.

Sit in this. Put this on.

Your brother's going to seduce you.

Really? You're not gonna resist that at all?

It's nice to feel wanted.


JJ, your date is here.

Oh, you look nice!

"Thanks. You look nice, too."

Oh, confident!

Ah, so she has to be right next to you.

Yes. Stay in character.

And you're watching the movie.

You had me at hello. Claire is eating her olives.

I don't like olives.

Claire does. Eat the olives.

Maya: And Claire goes to the bathroom.

Pit stop!

♪ ♪

And Claire!

[Toilet flushes]


Dude, where were you?

I actually had to go.

Okay, the movie's about over.

This is the time when Claire's gonna give you that look.

What look?

The look that says, "Kenneth, please take me to your hot tub."

And you know what to do when she gives you that look, right?


You get the idea.

We are go.


[Airhorn sounding]

What is that?


[Airhorn stops]

So smooth!

And that is how you do it, people!

Well done.


Nice work.


All that, and you can't get me to a field trip on time?

♪ ♪

Good news.

My eBay store just opened, and the Big Top Junies are flying off the shelves.

Somebody just bought five.

Really? Who?

Astronomyguy57 something.

Anyway, I got to go ship these guys out.

I'm Astronomyguy57802!

You used my account to go buy those dolls?

Do you have any idea how much that man charges for shipping?

Relax. I'll pay you back.

Yeah, well how do you think Dad's gonna feel when he finds out his little lucky charm is pulling a fast one on him?

What do you want, Ray?

Your full cooperation on our next dry run.

Done, but only because I support you leaving for a week.

Hurtful. I'll take it.

Miss Watson...

What do you want?

Could you come out and give me a hand with EMERAC, please?

I get my cast off soon, and then it's back to training, training, training.

Kind of wish I could put off gymnastics for a little while.

"I could break your arm."


Not a lot of guys could make that sound sweet.

[Both laugh]

Uh, is the bathroom over there?


♪ ♪

"Do you have to watch?

It's weird."

No, it's not weird, darling.

It's a sensual Disneyland.

Are you feeling any vibe?

Are you ready to go for the kiss?

"I can't tell. It was easier with Ray."

Not all girls are as easy as your brother.

We'll give you the signal when it's time to give us the signal.

[Toilet flushes]

She's coming!

[Door opens]

My mom texted.

She'll be here soon.

Oh, yeah, that's the green light.


This has been really fun.

Is that the green light?

I'm not sure.

My God, yes!

You think everything is the green light, hot tub man.

"I had fun too."

I feel like not a lot of people get to do this.

It's nice.

The signal!

It's go time.

[Airhorn sounding]

What is that?


[Airhorn stops]

That was weird.

[Cellphone chirps]

Oh, my mom's here.

See you later, JJ.

Yeah, huh? Movies are fun, right?

[Door opens]

What happened?

Jimmy: "You were watching.

I couldn't do it without you.

I couldn't do it with you."

Safe to say this date was not normal or typical.

How's my right, darling?

All clear, honey.

I can't believe it! We're gonna make it on time.

Early, even.

We should stop for breakfast.

Well, let's not get cocky.

Breakfast sounds lovely.

"We've earned it."

No, no, no, no, no!

And the boat left.

I give up.

Does that mean your pancakes are up for grabs?

Yeah, good call.

You promised you wouldn't mess up the dry run!

I know, but here's the thing.

I was lying.

Well, if you don't want me to tell Dad about the toy, then I have some demands.

I can't live like this.

Dad? I've lost my touch.

I played with the toys, and I didn't like them.

I'm too old.

I'm not your psychic little girl anymore.

You pretended to like Big Top Junie?


I wanted you to still think I was special.

You don't have to like some toy to be special to me.

You're special just being you.

That's what parents of murderers say Yeah.

I ruined our tradition, and I probably cost you a lot of money with those cackling, freakish clowns.

Look, don't worry about the money.

I'm the adult. You just relax, kiddo.

You're special.

You don't have to kill anybody, but you're special.

Seriously, I was only able to find a few of those dolls anyway.

Thanks, Dad.

♪ ♪

[Dolls laughing]

This is why people save receipts.

Oh! I love this!

They get back together in the end.

Ah! that's why they call it a spoiler, isn't it?

Is Claire coming back soon?


Oh, darling.

I'm sorry. I went a bit overboard.

I don't know if you've noticed...

I sometimes do that.

"Hey, you helped me score with Ray."


Yeah. I was thinking.

Next time, you should be east of the girl.

That way, her lips would be pointing west...

"We tried the best version of what you'd do.

Next time I'll try what I'd do."

So, I'm just gonna leave it to you?

But that is so hard for me.

"I believe in you."


[TV turns back on]

Oh, he dies.

♪ ♪

[Gasps] Channel Islands!

"Can we talk?"

I kind of need to rest up for my trip.

What is it?

"Claire texted me.

She gets her cast off tomorrow."

Can we celebrate in the morning?

"I won't see her as much.

I never told her I like her."

Wish I could tell you what to do.

"I know.

I need to tell her A-L-alone.

But I don't know how to get to the hospital."

I can actually help with that.

♪ ♪

Come on.

You think I'd leave the fate of Ray-cation in Mom's hands?

I spent my life savings on this car service.

So, we'll drop you off at the hospital where Claire is, and then I'll get to the boat in plenty of time.

"Can we stop for breakfast?"


Ray? Ray, come on. Let's go.

Ray overslept?

On the day of the big field trip he was so worried about?

[Chuckles] That is some classic dramatic irony.

What? I went to college.



They left.

Ray took JJ to the hospital to profess his love to Claire.

They thought I was asleep.

They always talk girls when they think I'm asleep.

The things they would do to Emma Watson.

We have to warn her.

♪ ♪

JJ! What are you doing here?

"You can go anywhere in a hospital when you're in a wheelchair."


Oh, is that for me?


"I wanted to do this in a more subtle way, but it turns out I can't really do subtle.

So, I am just going to tell you how I feel.

I really like you, Claire.

You're smart, funny, and I hope you feel the same way about me."

Did you know the Channel Islands have their own species of fox?

Of course I knew that.


Okay, we should go.

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. Are you okay?

Mr. DiMeo, we should go.


"You'll be late."

There's been a change of plans.

Yeah, they left the hospital. They're headed west.

They must be on a bus?

Where are they going?

Ooh, these things don't actually see into the future.

Oh, why did I encourage this?

JJ wasn't ready.

Now he's gonna get his heart broken, and I'm not even there.

Ray: And then one time, I told a girl that I liked her, and she said, "Sorry, but I'm not a lesbian."


You don't have to laugh that hard.

It was the summer I let Mom layer my hair.

And, of course, you know about Jillian.

I know what it's like to put yourself out there and have it not work out.

"How do you get over it?"

I did all I could do. At least I have no regrets.

"To no R-E... 'regrets.'"

[Bottles clink]

You know what?

High school girls just aren't mature enough for us.

Our time will be in college.

Grad school at the latest.

All right, according to this, they are... in the ocean?


Sorry, near the ocean.

No, I-I overreacted.

There they are!

Oh, he needs his mother.

No, wait.

He seems... fine.

He actually looks happy.

Looks like with a little help from the people he loves, he's strong enough to handle whatever life throws his way.

What are you even looking at?

Ray and JJ are over there.

Damn sun ruined my moment.

Are we just gonna sit here, or are we gonna go get 'em?

Let's give them a moment.

♪ ♪

Oh, I wish I could hear what they're saying.

Damn, Emma Watson's hot.

At last, Ray-cation.

See? It's easy to mock when you're outside the tub.

But 112 degrees later, they all believe.

Oh, I believe.

You're a good brother, Ray. You deserve it.

I'll leave you to it.

It's better than I expected.

I can't believe I made it out to the Channel Islands.

Okay, let's get you out of there.

Unh-unh. Come on.