01x11 - R-O--ROAD T-R--TRIP

Mr. and Mrs. DiMeo?

Anyone home?

["Born To Be Wild" plays]

Oh, no.

Yes!

What?

It's happening!

It's happening.

What is?

Just listen to the lyrics.

♪ Get your wheelchair van a-runnin' ♪
♪ Annual DiMeo road trip ♪
♪ Nothing planned in advance ♪
♪ And the song doesn't rhyme ♪

A trip? Holiday break ends tomorrow.

Wait for it.

♪ Early January's the cheapest time to travel ♪
♪ Jimmy heard that once and treats it as a fact ♪

What about school?

♪ Who cares if you miss some school? ♪
♪ It's only second grade ♪

Not true anymore. In high school now. It matters.

♪ Ray objects every year ♪
♪ Ray objects every year ♪

You don't know that I object every year.

Come on, man, you know you do.

Thank you for agreeing to house-sit, Kenneth.

Thanks for hinting you'd pay me, then backing off of it resulting in this uncomfortable moment.

Right.

Make sure the windows and the doors are locked.

And you'll notice there are plants there, there, and there.

Mm-hmm. Bring those back to life. Got it.

So, this trip of yours... there's really no planning at all?

None.

We get in the car, decide left or right, and drive.

Never know where we're gonna end up.

A seaside resort, a national park...

An industrial pig farm.

They let me ride one.

They were so confused as to why we were there.

I have no beef with vacations.

You know that.

But let's plan one.

Make some reservations, get some confirmation numbers.

"Z as in Zebra, 7, 2, 5, Lima."

Wouldn't you love to write that down?

Darling, you have to learn to let go.

Embrace spontaneity.

Be open, and this year's road trip could be the best one ever.

Fine. I'll try.

Really?

Oh, I was just trying to start an argument.

Okay, great.

Hey, uh, leave room to bring me something back.

[Chuckles] Tell him, JJ.

S-O...

"Souvenirs... are for suckers."

Mm. Or for kids who moved a lot and found peace within the imagined world of a snow globe.

Maya: Oh, that's Jimmy's thing.

He refuses to be a "pawn" of the travel industry.

The second they see tourists, they jack up the prices, and I don't play that game.

And this year, they are not gonna see a dime from us.

You want a soda? Here.

You want a souvenir T-shirt?

Here.

"Somewhere"?

It's a little slice of paradise.

Got to see it before you die.

Okay, kids, first intersection.

Which way do we go?

[Horn honks]

Go around! I'm being delightful!

Right.

Left.

And JJ says left.

Lefts have it.

So you guys are gonna gang up against me this whole trip?

Right.

Kenneth. You look... different.

Oh, well, because there's none of T-H-I... "this."

[Laughs]

Oh.

Without JJ... [Groans]

...yeah, I'm like 2 1/2 feet taller.

Kind of scary up here.

If JJ's out, why are you at school?

Oh, to take notes.

JJ shouldn't stop learning just because the DiMeos are on vacation.

Mrs. DiMeo told me there was a death in the family.

Oh.

Uh... uh...

Screw it. She's gone. She lied.

Unlimited refills for life.

Thank you, Breakfast Barn.

How's it taste?

[Sighs] free.

Where to next?

Guys! You won't believe it!

We've happened upon my favorite thing.

Not a craft fair.

A craft fair!

There were two separate stands selling soap, and that was just in the first row I could see.

Don't drag me there! There's nothing there for me!

I'll just be bored and...

There's vintage comic books.

They have vintage what, now?

Oh... my... God.

So, Ray, was I right?

I'll give it to you.

Oh!

Random chance worked out this one time.

Excuse me.

Do you have Volume 1 of "Mother Knows Best"?

[Laughs]

I'm sorry. I don't know comic books.

I'm just watching this booth for a friend.

Let me call him.

No, this is my moment.

You've made it unnecessarily complicated.

[Eerie music plays]

[Laughs]

Can you believe some dodos actually fall for this?

Hey. Predict this.

[Laughs]

Dummy.

[Laughs]

"You will be blessed with abundance."

Ooh! I know vocab words.

[Laughs]

Okay, Raja. You've got my attention.

What?

I'm just gonna throw these away.

Don't judge me.

[Laughs]

Oh! Hey, guys.

[Chuckles] How we doing?

Fine.

Yeah.

I thought JJ was out today.

Oh, he is.

Hey, so, how'd your date with Simone go?

Were her parents gone, like you thought?

They were, actually.

Yeah?

She was...

Wait.

Are you asking or JJ?

Well, I... I guess I am.

Is that weird?

I think it might be.

[Chuckles] Yeah, take JJ out of this dynamic, and it's kind of weird you guys want to hang out with me.

No offense, guys.

I'll take a rain check, all right?

[Laughing]

Come on, craft fair! 5 bucks for cotton candy.

This was in our freezer, and it's all free.

We got some corn dogs, nice burritos, couple pizzas...

Could I get two waters?

I'm sorry?

Two waters. How much?

Oh, uh...

Uh, that'll be...

$6.

Freaking tourist markups.

Thank you. Come again?

[Sighs]

If we sell some of this stuff, we're not just gonna break even on this trip...

We're gonna turn a profit.

"It's mostly crap."

JJ, this is a craft fair.

Everything is crap!

Guys, would you consider this a long journey with the people closest to me?

What? I know it's fake.

Well, I don't care for your tone, JJ.

Okay. Where to next?

Can we turn on the radio?

[Click]

♪ I'll get over you ♪

Oh, my God! It's a sign!

What do you hear?

"A really old song."

Who's it by?

Mozart?

British pop duo Go West.

Sounds like we're going west.

♪ 'Cause I'm the king of... ♪

West is the other way.

Hold on.

[Tires screech]

Ray: That was close.

We almost went in a different random direction.

Tell me these are not the most delicious strawberries you've ever had.

I mean, you can't plan that.

They're fine.

Mmm!

This one's even better. Here. Mm.

Taste this one. Just have it.

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

No.

Anybody want to try my corn dog?

It's almost thawed.

[Crunches]

Ray, you have to open yourself up and let things happen.

Magical, wonderful things...

[Gasps] Oh, my God! What's that?!

I think we know what we have to do.

Follow that thing.

Eat that th... Follow that thing.

Jimmy: Where... are we?

This is beautiful.

Look.

"A handsome man will show you the way."

Certainly handsome.

Let's look at the undercarriage.

That's a man, all right.

[Snorts]

Three for three, Raja.

We would like to check in, sir.

[Snorts]

Whoa, Ray!

"Steps from the Bremel Observatory."

This inn is right next to a nerdy space, and you love those.

Whoa!

Isn't it amazing?

A donkey/llama-y thing brought us to literal paradise.

I have to admit, it has been a pretty awesome day.

Wait, are you saying I'm right?

It's not about right or wrong.

No, it's about right.

Which I am.

And wrong... you.

We were having a nice time.

Let's...

[Clears throat]

[To tune of "Born To Be Wild"]
♪ Mommy was right ♪
♪ Mommy was right ♪

All right, that's enough!

I did it. It was me.

I planned every second of this day.

Gloat no more. I was the right one.

Sing for me!

[Pounding on wall]

Sorry. Triumphant moment.

You... planned us getting here?

We took random turns.

It was fate.

Let me introduce myself... Fate.

Please.

Every time you suggested a turn, we went in the opposite direction.

As you always do.

Right!

Left.

And JJ says left.

Lefts have it.

[Laughs evilly]

But that only explains one turn.

What about the comic book place?

We only went there 'cause I found the craft fair.

And why were we parked anywhere near said craft fair?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Tidying up the car.

Found this old thing stuck under a seat.

[Scoffs] That old thing gets me free refills for life.

In fact, we're probably gonna pass a Breakfast Barn on this trip.

This is coming with us.

[Laughs evilly]

Dear God. I'm starting to believe him.

"We T-U... turned because of that song."

Boom shakalaka!

Aah!

Ow!

"King of Wishful Thinking"... Go West.

And then I led us to the fruit stand, where I knew we would see Cotton Ball, the local celebrity alpaca.

I knew you guys couldn't resist following back to its home at this very hotel.

You dragged an alpaca into this?

But you didn't plan to stay here.

We only got a room 'cause someone canceled at the last min...

No.

It doesn't go this deep.

Ray: Sorry. I'm gonna have to cancel my room.

I hope to make it there sometime in the future, too.

[Laughs evilly]

That's right.

A wonderful day... all planned.

The only thing off the cuff is this speech, and, you know, it's still, you know, kind of... I think... very great.

Well, congratulations, Ray.

You win.

We all do.

So many great things not planned for tomorrow.

I'm off to the observatory.

You guys might want to get some sleep.

I call the couch.

I get the couch!

[Laughs evilly]

Yeah, man.


Can I help you?

Oh, yeah, I'm, uh, JJ DiMeo's aide.

I, uh, usually eat with him and the kids, but he's not here today, so I'm just gonna...

This is actually the teachers lounge.

I-I... give JJ lots of knowledge, so I'm, you know, basically a teacher.

It's not the basically-a-teachers lounge.

Okay, then.

For what it's worth, when the 15-year-olds rejected me, they were nicer.

Bunch of stuff today.

Hey!

Oh, well, well, look who's back.

Ralph: Didn't you used to be the groundskeeper?

It's been a while since we've seen you in the chairs room.

Well, [Laughs] it's good to be back.

Are these 300 seats taken?

Sit anywhere you want, Mr. President.

W-What is that, now?

Well, it's just you're not wearing a name tag anymore.

Like the president.

Guys, can I just please sit and eat this?

It was bad when it was hot.

Oh, perhaps you should veto it.

[Laughter]

Okay. Yeah, I get it.

You know what? For the record...

I tried and failed to fit in two other places before I didn't fit in here.

You all suck, and I approve this message.

[Clatter]

[Laughter]

Jimmy: Good morning, JJ.

I just paid the hotel bill.

We are still up 40 bucks, and all from selling stuff that nobody is gonna miss.

High five.

Dylan: Ugh! What happened to the flat iron?!

Who cares? Your mom doesn't use it.

No, she doesn't!

Oh, God!

How many alpacas does this place have?

Look away!

"Is that how your hair is?"

I'm my curly haired mother's daughter!

Who has my hat?!

Oh, that... could be anybody.

A... heavy-set woman with Nevada plates.

Ugh!

"Oh, no.

At last, your true vanity is revealed."

Just like that evil robot said.

Ray and Raja, give me back my life!

[Door opens]

Good morning, everyone.

Did you sleep well in the beds that I arranged?

Pack up, Ray. We're leaving.

Why?

You lied.

You hijacked our vacation.

This family has a tradition, and you may think it's stupid, but it's ours.

Today, we go back to it our way.

Where are my yoga pants?

[Scoffs] Don't tell me you actually wear those.

Yeah! I have to find them.

Do you have any idea how much they cost?

Uh... one price could be $6?

But what's our plan?

Maya: I only know what we're not doing... hot-air ballooning, panning for gold.

How do you know my itinerary?

It hasn't even left my sight.

"Checkmate!"

[Laughs evilly]

[Indistinct conversations]

...and I pull to my stop sign, this car comes out of nowhere...

And I'm like, can you not read?

It says "Stop"! Yeah!

Kenneth. Where are you going?

Oh, I, uh, I have a very important meeting.

Me too... Lunch meeting. No time to stop.

[Chuckles]

I-I'm actually gonna go eat in my car.

Well, I'm gonna... eat in my office.

Would... you like to go eat in my car?

I think it would make more sense for us to eat in my office.

Ah. Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Mm.

It's funny... without my little guy to hide behind, I don't belong anywhere.

I'm not a student, I'm not a teacher.

Where do the aides hang out?

Um, hello.

Where do the principals hang out?

How about that?

You're one of a kind, too.

We're like a couple of snowflakes.

The Snowflake Society.

Because we're unique and we're so cool, we're cold.

[Both laugh]

You know, Snowflake, every day after school, I go to my favorite spot and help myself to a salted caramel macchiato.

Ooh.

Do you know the grass patch behind the shop building?

Yeah, I know it well.

Would you care to join me?

Sure.

See you after school.

[Chuckles]

Ooh! Secret handshake!

All right, yeah. Sure, sure, sure.

Something like that.

[Chuckles]

All right, kids, back on track. Which way now?

[Groaning] I don't feel good.

Oh, Ray, we're not falling for that.

Stop for antacids, end up in some aquarium.

No, thanks very much.

Don't just start driving! My plan is great!

Just enough structure, but you'll still feel free.

It's the way I imagine a great bra feels like.

It is precisely what a great bra feels like, Ray, and you don't get to have it.

[Moans]

Darling? Are you all right?

[Panting]

Dylan: "Don't believe him.

We'll all be touching sea slugs."

Yeah.

You don't look well at all.

Either you're really good at faking or your appendix is about to...

[Moans]

Jimmy, hospital... now!

[Strained] Freeway's to the left!

Wrong way!

Are you still ignoring me?

Jimmy: I'm sorry. It's habit.

We'll run some tests, but I assure you, it's most likely gas.

Yeah, lady, this is not our first emergency room.

Now, we can do the whole "It's just gas" song and dance, but you're better off just trusting my wife.

Now, which side is the discomfort on?

It's on the bloody appendix side.

Go on, darling, do your little trick.

[Groans loudly]

Okay. A few questions...

No past surgeries, he's allergic to penicillin, blood type AB positive, and 115 pounds.

Thanks for the extra 5 pounds.

You're very welcome, my darling.

We'll need to contact your pediatrician for...

I have his records.

You have my records?

You're not the only Ray in this family, Ray.

It's color-coded?

And the labels?

And the white background, even?

Well, of course, 'cause if you use the clear ones, it's not legible on a dark surface.

...not legible on a dark surface.

[Groans loudly]

How did you get the little squiggly on top of the "n" in "Dr. Nuñez"?

Oh, darling, don't worry.

You have to go into Settings. I'll show you, yeah.

Woman on P.A.: Dr. Alvarez to O.R. 2.

How are you so calm? He seems awful.

Look at this last fortune...

"Your family will suffer a shattering loss."

Ray's gonna die!

Wait! What?!

Different Ray!

[Laughs nervously] You're good.

Oh, God.

JJ, when you're in the hospital, what does Dad tell you to make you feel better?

Jimmy: "Ray could not handle this."

I can see how that would help.

"You got this. No doubt."

I've spent a lot of time in hospitals.

I want to lay something out for you.

You repeat it, I'll deny.

You... Ray, okay...

...do not get to have anything go wrong with you.

Sorry. Not interested. Understood?

Okay.

Okay.

You go show that appendix who's boss.

Okay, darling, I'm gonna talk to the surgeon first.

If I don't like anything that I see, I'm gonna perform it myself.

Okay? That's a promise.

[Smooches]

I'm so sorry I was such a crappy sister.

I'm gonna miss you so much!

Why did she have to go last?!

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

Kenneth, where the hell have you been?! I've been calling you for an hour!

Ahhhh! Maya.

I didn't realize how much I've missed your screech.

[Sighs]

Ray's in the hospital. Could you bring me a few things?

What? Oh, of course.

Yeah, I'm on my way.

But I haven't told you what I need, and you don't know where we are.

I'm exiting the school!

You're not in the school, correct?

I've missed this.

You have no idea.

He'll come.

[Exhales shakily]

Oh, the things some people will do to take down a vacation.

I made it.

You did.

Cheated the odds.

I've got a few things to show you.

You're gonna be here for a few days in recovery, so the trip ends here.

But as per your itinerary... rubber band ball.

You said you wanted the biggest one in the state.

You woke up too fast for me to make that, but I'm guessing this is one of the bigger ones in the hospital.

I love it.

You know how you wanted to pan for gold?

This was my grandpa's watch.

It's yours now.

Thank you.

You were so good back there.

So...

Brave. Strong. Loving.

Better. [Chuckles]

Organized.

Where do you think you get it?

I'm that way for the stuff that matters.

And I have a lot that matters... which is why I have to let go and have fun with the rest of it.

We're not so different, you and me.

How do you feel?

Kind of great.

Mm.

Oh, they gave you the 115-pound dose.

It's probably enough to knock out two of you.

[Laughs sleepily]

You know how you wanted to go to the zoo?

This is a lion.

Rawr.

Ooh! You've got a feisty one.

Yeeeeah.

Good lion.

So, thanks to the surgery, you're hundreds of dollars in the hole, but you're happy, 'cause you get to have something literally no human being needs?

Best... vacation... ever.

Oh, darling, Ray lived... which means we still owe Raja one shattering loss.

I don't care. That stuff is baloney.

For real.

Oh, ow! Ow!

[Dylan laughs]

"Oops."

You believe.

Oh, my gosh! Ray's baby is loose!

Aaaaaaaaaaah!