01x13 - S-I--SICK D-A--DAY

Right. We're running a bit late this morning, darling.

Who's ready for a game of "This or This"?

This or this?

This or this?

This or this?

Jeans, red shirt, blue sneakers.

Dylan, what outfit did I say he'd choose?

Dylan: Jeans, red shirt, blue sneakers.


Okay, kids. Breakfast is served.

Delicious nutrition bars.

"Specially formulated for the needs of a pre-menstrual woman"?

Eat it. Don't read it.

I couldn't write my book report because of my arm.

That's not the arm you use to write with.

Can't sneak anything past you, Mom.

"Tale of Two Cities." You loved it.

Hey, that's mine.

Far too brilliant to use only once, darling.

"I forgot my food-drive donation."

Oh! Hold on.

Was my lunch. All yours.

Anything you need, Ray?

Nothing, and this actually isn't bad.

I'm feeling good about my body and not at all moody.

I'm on fire today.

Gonna be on time for carpooling duty.

I'm making every green light.

[Horn honks]

That one was actually red.

Well, before it was red, it was green, Ray.

Attitude is everything.

Keep it moving. Come on.

Keep it moving, please. Keep it moving.

All the way up to the orange cones. All right, come on.

I thought people hated this job.

I mean, volunteer hours to boss around strangers.

I don't know how this day could get any better.

I was gonna offer you this, but doesn't seem like you need it.

Oh, now I get to be loud?


I love my life!

Yeah, don't need it.

All right, darling. Go on, hit the target.



[Both laugh]

Well, Mr. Bruce Lee, what have you done with my son?

Great stretching, Mom. You make him so limber.

Weirdest sucking up ever.

All right, Ray, no need to be snippy just because your science project isn't coming together.

This is how it's supposed to look.

You don't even know what they...

Phobos and Deimos... Moons of Mars.

Jimmy: I got him, honey.

Mom, insulted but impressed.

You are in the zone.

Yeah, you know what? Nothing can stop me today.


Sickness! No!

We got a sneezer. This is not a drill!

What the hell's going on?

You sneezed into your hands like a barbarian.

Am I not supposed to?


Jimmy: Kenneth!

Oh, are you trying to kill us?!

You just told me not to sneeze into my hands.

Sneeze into your elbow.

I mean, not the elbow... That's the outside...

But the inside elbow, the... Where the crease-thing is.

The... Oh, my God. What's it called?

Thanks, Kenneth, the woman was on a roll, and now she can't even remember the name for a chelidon.

A sniffle can really take out a family like ours.

JJ takes a little bit longer to recover.

We like to be cautious.

Please take your leave.


Come back when you have been symptom-free for 24 hours.

Maya, are you serious?

Ugh! Oh!

I know that was a bit harsh.

If he survives, he'll understand.

So, someone's gonna need to read JJ's board today.

Any takers?

Ray: I'll do it.

Great chance for me to check out the classes I'll be taking next year.

I'll do it.


I like her reason better."

Geez, upperclassmen sure do like to give each other back massages.

Are they that sore?

Hey, sweetie, if you got a sprain up there, that guy's doing a lot more harm than good.

Let me give you the number to my sports medicine guy.

He's the best.


Hey, I should probably sharpen my pencil in case anyone tries to give me a back rub.

I'll be right back.

Hey, get in line, los...


Go ahead.

Wait. Are you new?


I'm here with JJ.

As a sibling! I'm single.

[Chuckles] Hi, single. I'm Chase.

Oh, my God. You are insanely funny.

I got to go. Bye.


"You seem weird."

What? No. Nothing's changed.


Right, does everyone got their backpacks, their lunches?


Uh-oh. Germ alert.

Uh-oh. Nerd alert.

I'm fine.

[Maya groaning]

Who moved this bloody chair so high?

[Breathes heavily, groans]

[Door closes]

[Horn honks]

Oh, relax! I'm just waiting for the light to change.

[Shivering] Ohh, I'm so cold.

I just... I got to go back and get my parka.

Up the stairs.

Oh, so nice and warm inside this dead bear.



Oh! I'm here!

I'm the only one left.

You have to take over. You will be the "me" today.

Look. I made you a list.

[Cellphone rings]

Kenneth: Mrs. DiMeo, great news.

I'm fit as a fiddle, and I'll be back at work tomorrow.

You did this to me! [Coughs]

This will not be forgiven soon.


You sure you trust me with all this?

I have all the faith in the world in you, Jimmy.

There's no one I trust more to take over for me.

Carpool line duty, brownies for Dylan's bake sale.

Remind Dad about bills?

Yeah, I asked Ray first. He said no.

That's fair. Yeah.

Can you watch the bumps?

I'm trying to design my project perfectly to scale.

Dad, can you turn on the radio?

Dylan, stop. Let the man concentrate.

He's out of his depth.

It's going to be okay. How hard can this be?

"I'm hungry."

And the food Mom gets you is usually pretty nutritious, right?

♪ When you walk the streets, you will have no cares ♪
♪ If you walk the lines and not the squares ♪

This is better. Dad's better.

♪ Watch the donut, not the hole ♪

Pull forward to the orange cone.

[Horns honking]

No, no, no, no. Parents, phones down!

Children, look at your parents.

They're not always going to be there.

Think about that.

I didn't know it could be like this.

This is the most Zen drop-off I've ever seen.

What's your secret?

I don't really care if anyone's late.

You tell your wife to take all the time she needs to recover.

Oh, I'm not gonna do that.

[Horn honks]

We love you, Jimmy.

Oh, love you, too, mom whose name I know.

Mrs. DiMeo?

Maya: I'm in here.

May I come in?

Well, you can, but...

Oh! Sick room.

You've broken the seal and released the pestilence.

Yeah, this science feels sound.

[Muzak plays]

Listen, Maya, I feel just awful about bringing the sick into your house.

Any DiMeo that comes down with it, I'll take care of them.

Now, what are you doing?

Oh, just kids' appointments, preparing JJ's I.E.P., waiting for... for...

I have no idea.

Am I just listening to music? 'Cause it's terrible.

[Chuckles] You should relax.

[Music stops]

I can't waste a day.

Wow. I just realized who you are.

Is it Maya? I think it's Maya.

My aunt.

She worked her butt off in her little beauty parlor.

I loved hanging out there, helping her out.

Picked up a thing or two.

Here. Let me see your hand.

Wow, did you realize that you have the nails of a dockworker who works nights at a quarry?

Hey! Well, w-welcome to motherhood.

What do you propose I do about it, you oafish...


Keep doing that.


Still got it.

[Laughs, snorting]

You are so right, Chase. I c... It's so funny.

Got to go, guys. Bye.


"Stop F-L... flirting"?

With Chase?

What? No, JJ. We're just friends.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Not everything's about "S."


[School bell rings]


"Did you tie-dye your face?"

[Scoffs] A lady never reveals her secrets.

"You're fired"?

What? Why?

"You're E-M-B... Embarrassing me"?

No, you can't do that.

Who's gonna be your voice in Chase class...

I mean, all your classes?



So, Tanya shows up and, of course, she's wearing some brand-new outfit.


And Connie...

Connie who sent the original text?

Yeah. That Connie.


She says, "Well, I'm glad at least somebody decided to dress up for this."

She did not!

So, what do you think?

Wow, that is the first time I've wanted to show you all five, not just the middle one.

Oh, nice.

Unh-unh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sit back down. We are just getting started.

Now, when you look in a People magazine, whose hair do you just... want?

Oh, Kenneth, I feel so guilty spending my sick day doing this.

And Beyoncé.

Oh, well, you are guilty, and I sentence you to a fantastic haircut.

Those are my meat scissors.

You're gonna want to give them a wash.


"Those don't look like moons."

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were a scientist.

Oh, and, for your information, these are perfect re-creations.

I mean, they're getting there.

Ray, I just wanted to say, "Thank you for not being embarrassed with my recent blossoming into womanhood."

My gut says you're using me as a pawn, but my heart doesn't care.

Okay, your mom's still sick as a dog, so she sent me to the well room.

Anybody want to give up a bed for their dad?

Didn't think so.

Oh, what are we talking about?

How JJ can't deal with my blossoming womanhood.


So, what did Mom say when you told her how great you did today?

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not telling Mom about that.

Your mom takes a great deal of pride in what she does for this family and how hard it is... I mean, for her.

And we're gonna let her have that.

Vow of silence. Capiche?

He's so cocky, he's embracing his Italian-ness.

Good night, guys.


Who sneezed?

It's over, Ray.

No, not the sick room.

I'm... I'm one of you.

I'm a "well."

One sneeze I'll give you.


But it sounds like you got another one coming on.



Into your chelidon, Ray.

Why does your hair look so fabulous?

Good morning, family. I am returned to health.

I had the most restorative night's sleep, thanks, no doubt, to my dopamine receptors detecting the eternal bond between mother and baby.

Thanks for filling in for me. How'd it go?

Bad! Bad, bad, bad.

Was it hard?

I don't know how you do it.

And now I'm gonna go to my job, which is going to feel like a spa day next to the hell that you call a Tuesday.

Thank you for your service.

Mm. You're very welcome, darling.

[Door opens, closes]

He really struggled, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

I mean, I give him a 6... out of 14,000.

Oh, you poor darlings.

Daddy had a hard time, did he?

He's lying. What is this?

Hey, guys. Welcome home, darling.

Oh, it must be such a relief to get to go to work and not have to deal with all that awful "Mum duty."

Oh! Such a relief.


Does a vow of silence mean nothing to you?

It wasn't me.

Relax. I know who it was.


Yeah, that's really convincing, blabbermouth.

Don't blame blabbermouth. This is on you.

You're on a roll.

Kids, can you give us a minute?

Your mom and I need to have a talk.

"You mean a fight."

No, of course I don't mean a fight.

See? That's what it looks like when you lie.

Just silly.

Okay. Why would you say that day was hard?

You work hard. You take pride in what you do.

You deserve to feel important.

Ah, "feel important," the illusion of importance.

So now you're patronizing me.


Well, guess what... I patronized you first! - How?

I took it easy on you.

That day you crushed, I took all the hard stuff out.

You crushed a baby day.

I don't believe you. I crushed a big-boy day.

You know that little list I gave you?

Say hello to the real deal.

P.T., O.T., S.N.T. from S.S.I.?

Okay, some of these sound made up.


Special Needs Trust.

I don't have time to fact-check all this.

Your turn... Jimmy's list, any time.

Oh, I have letters of my own, lady.

How about my J-O-B?

Yeah, you work.

Yeah. I am, uh, uh, the breadwinner.

Also, I bring home the bacon.

Both mean "job." Already covered.

Oh! Oh! Remember that possum?

Who chased the possum away?

T.P.C.... The Possum Chaser. Kids, come back.

Help me out. I contribute here, right?

Blabbermouth, seriously!

Come on!

How do I provide value to the family?

You chased away that possum.

I do more than that.

I must. I'm tired all the time.

Question, how do I help around...

He insisted on this.

Hey, I said I'd help you.

I thought it would be with your weird moons.

You wanted the nails.

How do I contribute to this family?

You mentioned something about shooing a possum?

What help? The moons are finished.

I've got no list.

Oh, darling, I didn't mean it.

You do a lot.

So proud, so cocky.

"Father of the Year" crushes a day that barely fits on a Post-it Note.

This day, it started out so great.


You guys keep thinking about things I do for this family, okay?

Thank you.

[Chuckling] Oh, yeah! Soup's on!

Let me ask you a question.


When you look at me, do you see dead weight?

O-Or do you see... nothing, just like a mist without form or substance?

You turn into a little poet when you're sick.

[Door slams]

Ray: Leave me alone, Mom!

That seems like something I should check on. Hmm?

Go! Just go away!

Mrs. DiMeo, uh... what's going on?

Ray is having some kind of a panic attack, and I'm just trying to calm him down.

Ray, calm down!

Calm down right now!

I will not calm down!

So, your project stinks. How bad could it be?

You want to see it? You want to see it?!


By the way, that thing is worth 30% of my grade!

God! You're gonna be living in our basement forever, and we don't even have one!

[Banging on door]

[Shouting indistinctly]

[Children singing indistinctly on TV]


[Sighs] Is the TV not working?

Oh, that's right!

Since you don't have the maturity to accept a relationship between a man and blossoming woman, I reset the parental controls for people of your... emotional maturity.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Get away! Leave me alone!

Dude, they're all going at each other...

Dylan and JJ, Ray and Maya.

Can we put up something stronger than this plastic?

I can't go out there and deal with them, so this is what I'm gonna need you to do.

First, take some ice cream and put it in a no-fat frozen yogurt container.


Just do it.

Mmm! I don't even miss the fat.


Now, make up any dumb, physical activity that it would be hard to do, uh, say, 300 of.

...113, 114, 115...

Now, don't ask me why, but play some light jazz.

Not good jazz. Light jazz.

[Light jazz plays]

See, this is why I dig you, man.

And bring Ray to me.

Well, he locked himself in.

Just tell him I said something.

Said what?

[Coughing] Anything factually inaccurate.

I'm sorry... The sky is blue because it's reflecting the color of the ocean?

Uh, uh, yeah.

Beca... Because of Newton's third law.


Anyway, now that I've got you here, what's going on with your project, buddy?

[Scoffs] Like an idiot, I thought I could model Phobos and Deimos perfectly.

Scientists haven't even completely mapped them yet.

I-I'm not a science guy, but maybe you could do a moon where you don't have to m-make up all the stuff?

What? Like Earth's moon? It's boring.

It's actual name is "Moon."

No, it's a classic.

[Sniffles] Give the people what they want.

Don't give 'em B-sides, give them "Born to Run."

Good lord. Who fixed Ray?

[Chuckles] Jimmy did.

He also calmed down JJ, wore out Dylan, and you... didn't need fixing 'cause you're great.

Darling, that's what you do.

You calm the madness.


I suppose that's something.


You're the moon, and I'm the sun.

Everything revolves around me, and I make things grow.

But you're the light in the darkest hour.

And, really, the moon technically is the center of the universe.

Oh, my gosh! Dad, it's like you're trying to be wrong.

Everybody, get in here!

JJ! Dylan!


All right, people. We got a moon to build.

And not the stupid Mars moons, the American one.

Using what?


Now, that's a moon!

But it's due tomorrow morning.

There's no way we can make this in time.

We'll work as a team.

Yeah. No, your dad's right.

We'll pull an all-nighter and finish with time to spare.

Who's in?

Yeah, I'm down.


Look what you did, love.

Smooth sailing now.

Breach! Dylan, JJ, hold your breath!

Everybody else, blow the germs back in!

[Ray and Maya blowing]

Yeah, that's some solid science.


And we have to be in school in 5 minutes.

You said it wouldn't take all night.

Ah, that's another thing I do. I am never honest with you.

All right, we've got our moon. I'm not sick anymore.

Let's go!

What was he doing that he fell asleep that way?

Steady. It's slipping.

[Tricycle bell dings]

All right, it's not a race, Mitchell.


Ray DiMeo?

Is his sister that girl who's obsessed with you?

Wait. Is she a girl? For real?

Well, I couldn't tell under that clown makeup.

[Both chuckle]

We did it.

He did it.

Yeah, we're just proud.

The program says Phobos and Deimos.

This is such a disappointment.



Okay, you were right.

I shouldn't have bothered with Chase.

'Cause it turns out, he's a jerk.

You knew.


You didn't fire me because you were embarrassed of me.

You were protecting me.

"I don't have some basic big-brother moves.

I can't beat anyone up for you.

I can't drive you places, but I'll protect you my own way."

Your way's perfect.


Does that mean Ray has to beat people up for me?

Sadly for you, even if this Chase thing isn't happening, this blossoming is all too real.

'Sup, bangs?