01x15 - T-H-- THE C-L-- CLUB

"What's up, Ryan?"

What's up, JJ?

Big finish...

[Grunts]

[Imitates explosion]

Boogie.

[Imitates explosion]

Let's go fishing.

It's a big one!

[Imitates explosion]

[Scoffs]

I got this.

I'm doing it!

I'm cool!

And now the fist bump.

[groans]

[Imitates explosion]

[Laughs]

Why do I always have to blow out Ray's candle to make mine seem brighter?

Eh.

Ooh, Ray.

Ray, what do you think about this?

Uh... I think it's crazy to buy next year's winter clothes now just because they're on sale.

No, the crazy people are the ones paying full price.

Now, what size do you think you're gonna be in nine months?

Women's medium?

Haven't got quite enough up top yet, but don't worry.

I was a late bloomer, too.

I'm going to look for pins on the floor.

Get me when it's over.

Relax.

All we got to do after this is get Dylan from her sleepover, Dad from the barbershop, and go to JJ's sled hockey tournament.

Why can't we do anything for me?

I'm always just dragged around to everybody else's stuff.

Oh, love. All right.

Well, just for you, tomorrow, let's go swimming.

We're going swimming because a physical therapist told you that it would help with JJ's muscle tightness.

Oh, you heard that.

Yeah.

Okay, you don't think I like my Ray time.

I would love to find something for just you and me, but you disapprove of my antics.

All right, open or closed?

Closed.

"That sled hockey game sucked."

"7-0."

Yeah, you guys got to get better.

It's hard to find things to praise.

Katie! Great game.

Way to not throw up on the ice.

Oh, no, no, I did throw up.

I just kept it in my mouth this time.

Like a champion.

Anyway, you just look at the board, and it speaks.

You should ditch Kenneth and get one.

Whoa! "Ditch Kenneth"?

You taking shots now?

Where was this during the game?

[Laughs]

"I tried one years ago.

I like this better."

Yeah, he told me he likes the independence a device gives, but for him, my human touch makes for easier connections.

Can you watch p0rn on Kenneth?

p0rn?! You kiss your mother with that board?

Hey, guys! We were thinking of seeing a movie Saturday.

Who's in?

Me!

I'm in!

"Kenneth and I are in."

Wait. We don't think we should ask Kenneth first?

I actually have plans.

Dude, I have a date.

[Laughs]

You don't believe me?

Does your date look like this?

Oh! Nicholas!

Parental controls!

Maya: Right. Grab your swimming trunks.

Here we are.

This is a private club.

Yeah, I looked at some public pools.

This just seemed nicer.

We're not allowed here. That's how it stays nicer.

Ray, we're gonna sneak in.

It's like you're trying to make it extra not for me!

Relax. It'll be easy.

Jimmy: It's 20 bucks for valet.

Gah!

There's no wheelchair ramp.

Gah!

[Door rattles]

That's locked.

Gah!

[Splash]

See? Too easy.

Excuse me, love.

Refill, please.

Also, this little chap no longer smells of lavender.

Oh, God. Somebody's coming over.

Oh, darling, no, don't worry. Just act like you belong.

I don't know how to do that at the places I actually do belong!

Uh-oh. 5-0.

[Both inhale deeply]

Hello.

I'm sorry. Are you members?

Not here, but we have privileges.

We're at the Palms Club.

I am not familiar with that.

Oh, it's in the UAE.

I'd have you call them, but it's 3:00 A.M. in Dubai, so... du-bye! [Chuckles]

There you are. She left. Now you can relax.

Now I can relax?

You might as well say now I can do sports.

Oh, my gosh!

Hon, you got to tell us when she leaves.

Yeah, well, she's gone, darling. Well done.

Sir? You'll need sandals.

Thank you.

Our compliments.

[Thud]

Sir?

Oh. That was st...

Strawberry. We know, sir.

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Could I get an extra strawberry?

Of course, sir.

This is all for you.

Thank you.

[Voice breaking] I'm home.

Look, man, there's something I want to discuss.

It's been eating away at me, and I need to have my feelings heard.

Wow, Ray.

You look... different.

[Laughs]

Okay. Things like what you did last night... signing me up for a movie before you even asked... that makes me feel like you take me for granted.

"Oh. Okay.

Oops."

"Oops"?

Huh. That feels nice.

Thanks, JJ.

I accept your "Oops."

I'm just saying, I got a life outside of here, man.

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm getting in the way of your life."

"Well, I'm sorry if I'm getting in the way of your life!"

He said "more sassy."

I-I-I get that you need me. It's just...

"Oh, I need you?"

Oh, don't be that way. You know that's not how I meant it.

"I'm sorry for being such a burden."

Oh, here we go.

"You know what? Forget the movie."

Wha...

Well, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Great. You're here. We need to talk.

We have a very busy week coming up.

There's a tennis clinic tonight.

Tomorrow, the dining room is doing a Taste of Tuscany thing.

Not gonna miss that.

And Thursday, they're doing an afternoon tea in the Botanical Gardens.

Oh, I love afternoon tea.

But I thought you hated the club.

I did hate it... until I realized something.

I love it.

I've finally found my people.

I'm a fancy guy trapped in a poor guy's body.

I identify as rich!

And is that how you illustrate that?

What's wrong with my ensemble?

Morning, everyone.

Why are you wearing your mother's pants?

There's that.

Forward-point collar instead of the preferred English spread.

Visible undershirt.

How do you know that stuff?

Darling, I'm British.

We invented sartorial nonsense.

Could you teach me?

At the club?

Are you saying there's something you'd enjoy that we could do together?

This could be our thing...

Mummy.

Strike me down now, God, for at last I am truly happy.

I'd like to think 17 years of marriage loosened the lid on that jar of happiness.

Good morning, JJ.

Hello, Kenneth.

What's the matter?

Never seen a guy who didn't need his aide before?

[Imitates explosion]

So, what... You went out and got yourself a little talking computer dealie just to get back at me?

My friend let me use his old one.

I like it.

It's easy to work with and doesn't eat my pizza.

Yeah, I'm sure you prefer that robot over this voice.

Mine is a freight train dipped in smoked honey.

The finest minds in Silicon Valley could never make this in their labs.

[Chime]

[Deep voice] Well, I beg to differ.

[Gasps] That robot could be my brother.

[Chime]

[English accent] Checkmate, my good man.

Everyone's getting so British, aren't they?

[Chime]

[Sexy voice] Can I have more cereal, Dad?

Oh, change it back! That's very upsetting.

Oh, so, you're no longer interested in the human touch that this voice provides?

No biggie. I got plenty of things to read. Uh...

"Great new taste."

"s*x party probe widens."

So, after school, you're gonna pick me up and we're gonna head over to the club?

Sure thing.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Normally, all I hear from Ray is what I'm doing wrong, and now he wants me around.

We're connected.

[Audience "Aws"]

That thing does sound effects?

[Laughter, cheers and applause]

Okay.

Before we embark on this adventure together, a few tips.

First of all, no matter what they present you with, you cannot appear impressed.

In fact, we better get all of our gratitude and enthusiasm out now, okay?

One, two...

Look at the thread count on these napkins!

Oh, my God, this is fantastic!

This hot tub is bigger than my bedroom!

Have you ever seen so much shrimp?

I can't believe I'm meeting actual royalty!

This robe feels like it's made out of baby skin.

A room just for coats?!

There's free mouthwash in the loo!

[Both sigh]

Better, Ray? Yeah.

Yeah.

Maya: I know these people, Ray.

Pineapple-kiwi water?

Fine.

You've got to build a persona. Tell the big lie.

Steady.

And if you're ever in a corner, just tell them you'd "rather not say."

So after our third safari, we decided to settle down.

As much as you can call yacht life settling.

[Both laugh]

Where do you dock?

I'd rather not say.

[Gasps]


Anytime you're in a conversation, make sure to be looking around for someone more important to talk to.

What's your, uh, name?

I'm, uh...

What's that? Sorry? Ray.

[Chuckles lightly]

I think we have a lot to talk about, Ray.

Just follow me. I'll teach you everything you need to know.

You've led enough. Allow me.

[Waltz plays]

I watched a YouTube video.

Did you?

Dip?

Please.

[Crowd "Aws," applause]

We danced, we laughed. We had a breakthrough, Jimmy!

Ray enjoyed doing something with me.

It's awesome... the facilities, the activities, the hand towels.

Just be aware, your mom is having the time of her life, too.

But the thing she is most excited about... is you.

How could she not be?

Smell me!

I am so well-lotioned.

They let you slather on as much as you want.

It is too much. I can't hold anything.

See?

[School bell rings]

[Laughing]

Oh...

Rudy Smith just made a hilarious face.

[Chuckles]

But pointing out hilarious faces to you is a service I no longer provide.

But since I like my job, I'll keep doing it... for someone who appreciates me.

Now, I don't have another nonverbal kid handy, but I do have Mary, the super-quiet kid.

Yeah, I'll be speaking for her today.

Isn't that right, Mary?

[Mumbling softly]

Wait, wait... What? Speak up, Quiet.

[Mumbling louder]

Oh! [Laughs]

You sure do have a wicked sense of humor, Quiet.

We're gonna get along just fine.

Just fine.

Ray, I got you something.

Tennis whites?!

In-season, full price?!

Men's?

I want my partner looking his best in the mother/son tennis tournament.

Are you in?

Uh, yeah!

[Whispering] Acting impressed, Ray.

Trying not to! Can't stop!

Spence: Hey, Ray.

Hey, Spence.

Let me introduce you to my parents.

My dad is a professor of astronomy at CalTech.

Mom is head of membership at the club.

I can... take those things in stride.

I'm Maya, Ray's mom.

Of all the weeks to visit the club.

We're mid-renovation. Please forgive us.

I'm sorry. I cannot.

[Laughing] Oh!

Enjoy your tea.

Mm.

[Whispering] Ehhhhhh!

[Whispering] What are you doing?!

Retching. Was it not clear?

[Imitates retching]

Really dull.

Those are the exact kind of people we need to be getting to know.

Why?

We're not actually part of this, Ray.

You do realize that, right?

I'd rather not say.

I am going to say hi to my friends.

You can wait for me in homeroom.

Really? You don't need me around for the handshake?

I got it covered.

Abort. Abort.

Wait. I got this.

This is the one part of my day I look forward to.

What the heck, Mr. Sharp?!

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

Ray, it's Spence.

From the club?

Oh. Spence.

Sorry. I thought you were Spence... my driver.

Listen, a favor to ask... for my mom.

Mom?

Ooh!

I made cucumber sandwiches like at the club.

Yeah, not actually cucumber. They're pickle.

But it was either that or zucchini.

No.

I have a trigonometry test tomorrow, and I just found out there's an after-hours study group at the school.

But it's our tennis tournament.

I know.

But the test is worth, like, 20% of my grade.

Which is a lot, right?

I think. I don't know.

Aah! I really need this study group!

All right, love. I mean, schoolwork comes first.

You fancy more...?

Mnh.

You have arrived at your destination.

Oh, no. Don't even try to pretend that thing has GPS.

That's your phone.

Oh. Forgot to turn my Waze off.

[Laughs]

[Wah-wah-wah-wah!]

Shut it, JJ.

[Door closes]

Can't those two just make up?

Aw, sometimes you just have to let your teenage son and his adult friend work it out on their own.

I'm sick of this.

I'm getting them back together.

[Scoffs] How?

Have you ever seen a little movie called "The Parent Trap"?

Honey, what are you doing in those clothes?

We've got a plane to catch.

Here's the deal, Mom... We thought it over, and we decided we were being totally...

So, you just want us to sit here and watch "The Parent Trap" with you?

Yeah. I mean, if those two could get back together, why can't you?

This is dumb.

That's one thing we can agree on!

[Sighs]

We keep getting left alone together.

It doesn't get less weird.

Nope.

Hello.

Dropping off a study snack for Ray DiMeo.

Ray? [Chuckles] Ray doesn't need to be here.

He's smart.

Oh, but he said...

I'm smart.

[Indistinct conversations]

Yes!

Nice!

Yes! Good job.

Wait a second.

This isn't trigonometry.

Jimmy: Told you she was excited.

[Screams]

Mom talked to you, huh?

Can you help me smooth things over?

Smooth things over? Yeah! Sure!

Yeah?

Totally!

We know how she gets.

We'll handle her.

You have a very weird smile for someone who actually wants to help me.

What do you have planned?

Um...

"Sorry. I messed up."

Yeah. Here's the thing, buddy.

That's a little-boy apology.

Maybe you spilled some juice on the couch, Mommy got mad.

This is different.

You're a big boy, and you made a decision... one that you knew would hurt her.

How do I make it better?

Ah.

That's a big-boy question.

You didn't think much about what she wanted before.

Maybe start now.

You'll figure it out.

[Sighs] Rich guys.

Kenneth!

JJ wants to talk to you.

Oh.

Out here.

Okay.

Kenneth?

Yes, JJ?

I'm sorry. I've been a fool.

Really? I can't believe you're saying that.

Well, believe it. I'm saying it.

Me, the JJ DiMeo.

Please forgive me so we can move on.

Well, of course I forgive you.

It's just... hard sometimes.

I don't want to treat this as just a job.

You're my friend.

What's the right balance, you know?

Yep. Totally.

This has been very annoying for Dylan.

Well, I know we'll get there.

Because the important thing is that we care about each other.

Nothing's gonna change that.

I love you, buddy.

I love you, too.

Well, I'll leave you guys to it.

Hey, what is Mom into? What does Mom like to do?

I don't know... laundry, drive us places, make appointments.

Other than stuff for us.

Oh.

Reschedule appointments.

[Groans]

And I thought you were apologizing.

No, but I heard what you said.

It makes me think maybe I should.

I do need you.

And I think that's what I'm afraid of.

You've got nothing to worry about.

Need away.

You got me, buddy.

What, you want the board?

There we go.

There.

"This is hard.

Can we go back to the device?"

Ha ha. Very funny, JJ.

"You do have a life.

Don't let me keep you from it."

Yeah, I do, but that doesn't mean I want to spend less time with you.

You're my bro.

Come here.

Aaaahh!

Aaaahh!

Fshhh!

Unlock it. Lock it.

Unlock it. Right.

[Breathing heavily]

[Imitates explosion]

You know what?

Maybe we should spend a little less time together.

Mom, I need you to come with me.

Yeah, not now, Ray. I'm busy.

It's important.

Look, it's just faster if you tell me what you need rather than pretending you want to hang out with me.

No.

[Sighs]

One lump or two?

I thought it'd be nice to hang out and do something you like, for once.

You do like afternoon tea, right?

I do like afternoon tea, yes.

I know. I remembered.

One is not completely dressed for tea unless one's wearing a fascinator.

Where'd you learn that?

I Googled it.

Did you also Google whether they're just for women?

Milk?

Please.

Wow, I really did teach you how to be a rich little twit, didn't I?

I don't have a good excuse for what I did.

I guess I just liked fitting in with those people.

But this can be our own little club... every bit as fancy as theirs.

[Train whistle blares]

[Train rumbling]

I'm sorry, Mom! I love you!

I feel like the best part of being at that club was the time I spent with you!

Oh, stop it! You're going to make me cry!

It's true!

[Rumbling fades]

Darling.

I love you, Ray.

If it's important to you, then one day, you will figure out a way to get back to that club.

[Train whistle blows, train rumbling]

Do you think it's safe for there to be another train quite so soon?!

It's a tragedy waiting to happen!

Top up, love?!

Don't mind if I do!

Little stingy on the cucumber slices there, cabana boy.

"This place has gone to hell."

You guys aren't gonna show up all of the time for free stuff, right?

I'd rather not say.

Okeydoke.

Today is my last day.

Dylan: Cabana boy!

Ka-pow!

I'll be leaving now.

Thank you.