01x02 - Defender of Teen Love

[bunniefuu]

I think it would be great to go on a fast.

Yeah.

A juice cleanse.

Craig: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

(screeches)

Edie: Zorn?

All I asked was that you get rid of your boxes.

Yeah, yeah. No, I-I know. But look, it's all my old awesome stuff.

Man, I haven't seen some of this crap in years.

Oh, man. The Stone of Sight!

You remember this, Edie?

Huh? You remember?

I remember the Stone of Sight, yes.

So dangerous in the hands of evil. Yeah, I really should have destroyed that a long time a... Uh-oh! Game Boy! Ha-ha!

Oh, my thumbs got quite a workout on this bad boy.

Zorn, this junk has been here for years.

Craig needs some space to wall-mount his bicycles.

Bicycles? Who the hell rides bicycles?

Uh, we do. Craig and I enjoy riding bicycles together, as a couple.

Oh, hey, Craig, you know what Edie and I used to enjoy doing as a couple? Having tantric sex on top of a mountain for months at a time. Yeah.

You should try cycling, Zorn. It's really good for your heart.

Oh, you know what else is good for your heart?

Having tantric sex with Edie on top of a mountain for months at a time.

Nice shirt, by the way.

It's a Nautica, Zorn.

Well, your mom's a Nautica.

Craig: Okay.

This is escalating. My ears are getting hot.

I'm gonna go for an anger ride.

Oh, let me guess...

On your bicycle?

Edie: Zorn!

If you don't clean this up, I am gonna have to throw it all out.

Aw, come on, you really want to get rid of our sex masks?

Oh-ho-ho, man. We had a lot of sex in these bad boys, huh?

I've got to go to work.

Hey, Edie. You still got that tattoo?

The one with the Z on one cheek, R-N on the other?

I got rid of that tattoo a long time ago.

Why?

Because we got divorced, Zorn.

I don't need your...

You know what?

I'm sorry. I-I totally see where you're coming from, and I will be moving the boxes now.

Thank you. It's nice to hear you sounding mature about the whole thing, because you see...

(Game Boy music playing)

Oh, this song is gonna be stuck in my head for weeks.

(sighs)

Good boy, good boy.

Nancy?

Hey.

Hey, it's Alan.

Alan, like, I live here Alan, not stalking you or anything.

Huh. Alan... Alan...

Oh, right.

Your dad, uh, he k*lled that bird in your driveway.

Right? That Alan?

Yeah. Oh, my God, I forgot about that.

It's, like... Yeah, he just moved here from, like, this other country that's really brutal and crazy...

I get it. My dad's from Cambodia.

He was in the Khmer Rouge...

Oh.

...and during the w*r, he, uh, did a lot of bad, bad things.

Oh. Um...

Alan!

I'm kidding.

He owns a used car dealership.

Okay! (laughs)

Wow, that's, like, a big difference.

Why the hell is Alangulon talking to that elfish, waifish Asian maiden?

Oh, boy, that's a tongue twister.

Elfish, waifish Asian maiden.

Elfish, waifish... Mm!

This one time this lady asked my dad if he was Vietnamese, and he went ballistic.

He was like, "No, I'm Cambodian!" And... he kicked a dent in her car. So embarrassing.

(Zorn smooching)

Nancy: Oh, wait.

Are you in P.E. with Jules Davey?

Yeah, I'm, uh...

Nancy: He was dating my friend Alison for a second, but I think they were having...

Alan: Hey, do you want to-to walk you to home?

Mm. Yeah. Sure. Let me just...

Nah.

Just leave it. Yeah. Let's just go.

No, I should clean it up.

No, seriously, leave it.

It'll only take a second.

No, the poop's great. It's good on our lawn.

Ooh, wooh, wooh...

(dog whines)

You know what?

Actually, I'm just gonna leave this poop.

So...

Oh, Dad, thank you so much for the help.

So funny. I'm really glad you're back.

Aw, come on!

Oh, do I see a little smile?

Maybe it wasn't funny.

It feels funny when I'm doing it.

(moaning, smooching)

Mm-hmm. That's undeniable.

Why would you need hand dryers? Let's say you got a sackful of severed hands, okay, but some of them are still wet, 'cause they're covered in the tears of the children that they were holding.

No. You're a psycho!

Zorn, I am starting to get the sense you have no idea what you're doing.

But the important thing is I'm having fun, right?

No. That's not the thing. The thing is to make a sale, and you have not made one.

And yet I'm still having fun, which I think speaks towards my spirit.

Have you tried using the script?

It can be pretty persuasive. Todd already landed two new accounts using that script last week.

Yeah, the script. I mean, it's good, it's good.

It's a great template. But, you know, I have a tendency to feel that I get my best results when I'm just winging it.

Make a sale, or I'm gonna fire you.

Definitely. You're the boss, my man.

(school bell rings)

(indistinct chatter)

(ringtone playing)

I got a...

Huh? Yeah.

Hello?

Zorn: Hey, buddy.

Uh, I was calling to apologize.

For what?

For yesterday, or just, like, my entire childhood?

No, no, no, just for yesterday.

Look, and I've also been thinking, there is an area I might be helpful to you, you know.

You seem to be keen on a certain elfish, waifish Asian maiden.

Am I right?

Dad, it's fine. I don't really want...

Alangulon, listen, I don't mean to brag here, but I've been with a lot of women over the years, okay?

We're talking Tora, Princess of Light, Yonna, Princess of Victory, Helena, Princess of, um...

Damn it. I don't even remember what she was princess of, I was so darn wasted. (chuckles)

Can I...

I got to go. Wha-What's up?

Doesn't matter. Look, what I've learned is that to get a woman, son, all you have to do is offer her some Corn Nuts.

Corn Nuts.

Trust me, son, chicks love Corn Nuts. It makes all the sense in the world... I mean, they're crunchy...

Great.

Okay, I got to go. I'm at school. Bye.

And the bag is in...

(school bell rings)

Edie: It's not your garage anymore, Zorn.

Craig and I are getting married. Get over it.

Edie: Hey, sweetie.

Hey. - Hey, Alan.

Hey, your dad called this morning to apologize... Did he reach you?

Yeah, he called, and then he tried to give me advice about girls.

Edie: Your dad? (scoffs) First of all, you'd come to me if you needed advice about girls.

Nope.

And second of all, he calls it a "vajiba."

Aah! Don't say that.

Well...

Hey, Craig, can I use that once you're finished grading?

Uh, not "grading," Alan.

Grading implies the traditional letter system, which, as you know, I find limiting.

For instance, this student just scored a P7.

Is that like an A?

(chuckles): No, Alan, it's not like an A.

Is it like an A-minus?

Yes.

Edie: Ooh. What if we take the boxes to him?

Dad's boxes? He still hasn't picked up that crap?

Well, in Zorn's defense, he did take the Game Boy.

You know, his apartment is on the way to that estate sale you wanted to go to.

Oh, I love going through dead people's things.

Honey, could you move the boxes into your car?

You'd get a P7 in my book.

Maybe even a P8.

A C?

♪ ♪

Mm. Ah...

Water.

What?

I just said "water."

(laughs): Yeah. That's what it is.

(Alan exhales)

Water, water, lots of drops to drink.

You know? With the...

Yeah.

You can drink it. You got to have it.

Okay.

Uh... hey, Nancy.

Uh, do you want some Corn Nuts?

Corn Nuts?

Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. I love Corn Nuts. (chuckles)

Oh.

Really?

Do you have any?

Uh-uh.

Oh.

Ah.

'Cause...

Where did they go?

You asked me.

Where did the Corn Nuts go?

Okay. Well...

I have to get to class, so...

See ya.

Hey, yeah, I do, too.

(sighs)

(knocking)

Hey, Alangulon! All right!

Get on in here, buddy. Come on in.

Make yourself at home.

So, what do you think? I know it kind of looks like a, uh...

A place where crackheads go to have sex? Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

Hey, can I get you anything? You know, a glass of water, maybe, or some butter? Oh, you know, I got a big old bag of warm meat in the bathroom sink.

Uh, that's okay.

I'm kind of trying to cut back on warm sink meat.

All right. Well, I got some cold stuff in the toilet.

Eh, you know what? Doesn't matter.

Uh, what'd you want to talk about?

I just, uh... So that-that Corn Nuts thing worked.

How did you know that?

Like I said, I'm no stranger to feminality, okay?

I just understand women on a deeper level than most men.

I listen. You know, that's really a big part of it.

You just got to listen. No, I'm kidding!

I'm... I'm screwing with you.

No, I use the Stone of Sight.

Alan: What is that, like, a... is that a Web site?

Zorn: Ah, here, check it out.

Okay, all right, what you want to do, you want to hold it up in front of you, now hold it there, you want to keep it straight there, just so can...

Like this?

Okay, now, you want to look through here.

All right, good. Now repeat after me.

Show me...

Show me... the elfish, waifish Asian maiden.

...the elfish, wai... Wait.

Nancy? What is this?

Come on, just say it.

(sighs, grunts)

Show me Nancy.

(lightning zapping, thunder crashing)

Guys, I have your salmon right here.

(gasps loudly)

Pretty cool, right? Hmm? Yeah?

Oh, and just so you know, it's dangerous in the hands of evil.

Alan: You stalking her.

Nah-ah. No. I'm not stalking her.

I-I'm just watching her every move.

That's stalking!

What?

I'm just trying to help you so that you'll think I'm an awesome dad and then, I don't know, we'll sneak into a ball game together and dump beer on people's heads and fight the security.

I mean, is that a crime?

Yes, those are all crimes.

Excuse me for not knowing all the crimes in all the world, okay?

All right, so you don't want to know that her favorite movie is Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Or that she prefers short hair on guys and thinks that white V-neck T-shirts are crazy hot.

She said that?

Yeah. I mean, unless she was lying to her best friend Shannon, which I really don't think she would.

Although, come to think about it, when Shannon got home last night, she was talking to Joni Perkins... you know, Butt-cr*ck Joni, right?

I don't know her personally.

Like, pull your jeans up, lady.

Nobody needs to see that.

Okay.

Let me just, like, think...

Okay, if I'm not aware of what you're doing, like, if you don't tell me, Mm-hmm.

Then it's just basically like I... it's like I guessed.

Sure. Yeah, no, rationalize away.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm just getting pointers from my dad on girls, right?

God, it's so cool when you can really see yourself in your child.

Nature is a... well, it's just an amazing thing.

(grunting)

(creature grunting quietly)

(exhaling sharply)

Creature: Ooh. Ooh.

(creature growls)

Zorn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

I'm not finished with that page yet. Don't... Aw.

Likes... the way Rooney Mara wore it.

Dislikes the way Khloe Kardashian...

Or however you spell that... Wore it. Okay.

Man, I remember when stalking used to be fun.

Oh, you know what? Show me the punk who stole my phone.

(echoing): Man, what the...?

Oh, boy.

Of course... It was in the coin pocket.

I never use that little guy.

Mm. Now I got to go back and apologize to that valet.

Hey. (chuckles)

This is actually pretty cool. Can't believe I've never...

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, what is that?

(sputters) You know what? Whatever.

Like Craig doesn't have a bald spot.

Show me Craig.

Zorn: Oh, brother.

"Oh, look at me cycling with my fiancée.

"'Cause we're one of those couples that enjoy spending time together." Give me a break.

Todd! Hey! Can I ask you a question?

Actually, I'm kind of in a...

Yeah. How do you make a sale?

Well, the easiest way is to start with someone you know.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Uh, Todd! Todd!

Would you want to buy some soap dispensers?

Todd, wait!

♪ ♪

Hey.

Huh?

What?!

Do you shop here?

Here? Oh, yeah, I love this place.

It's super funky, you know?

It's, like... I feel like vintage clothing really has, like, a story to tell.

I literally said the same thing this morning.

Wow. Huh. Yeah, you know what, sometimes, uh, "life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you can miss it."

Ferris Bueller.

Yeah. It's, like, my favorite movie.

It's my favorite movie.

No way!

Crazy.

Nancy (laughs): Shannon, uh, this is, uh, my friend, Alan.

This is Shannon, by the way.

"Creepy Alan"? With the psycho dad?

Different Alan. (chuckles)

Whatever.

I'm gonna go see if any of the stuff from the '80s still has coke in the pockets.

You know, I, I on... I only just met her just now, but I've seen her around school a bunch, and she's, like, definitely changed a lot in the last year, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

She was really into volleyball last year, but now she's...

Now she's like a total stoner.

You know, it's, like, one beaded braid no make Dem a Rasta!

(laughs)

Hey, this is totally random, but, uh, next weekend I have two tickets to see this band, Pineapple Candy. I don't know if you're into them at all...

Are you serious?

(laughs)

Yes!

(passing horn honks)

(quietly): Oh, you're kidding me.

(quietly): You're kidding me.

Nope! No!

Hey, hey, no, no.

Uh-oh, busted.

Take those back!

Oh, come on, Edie, you don't actually want bikes in your garage. That's insane.

I mean, bikes?

Yeah, bikes. My bike, Craig's bike, together, just the two of them.

Hey, Edie, you're really gonna keep pretending like... this isn't happening?

Like what isn't happening?

Come on, I've had a lot of sex, Edie.

I've seen a lot of vajibas, and a lot of women have seen my pebis, you hear me?

I know what I'm talking about.

I really don't want to hear about your pebis.

All right, well, if I'm so wrong about us, then how come you still have your Zorn tattoo?

I don't have that Zorn tattoo.

Edie, I've seen it.

How... have you...

The Stone of Sight?!

Oh... my... God!

Oh, okay, so now you want my stuff in your house.

I can't believe this.

Did you spy on me in the shower?

The real outrage here should be the length of your showers.

We are in a drought, Edie.

It is not a joke.

Is that a safe?

Yes.

Craig got it for his answer keys.

Edie, I need the stone, okay? I can't tell you why, but trust me.

Plus, plus, it is dangerous in the hands of evil.

You are the hands of evil!

Okay, fine. You think some little safe is gonna stop me?

I... am... Zorn!

Zero, zero, zero, zero.

(buzz)

Damn. Zero, zero, zero, one.

(buzz)

Damn. Zero, zero, zero, two.

(buzz)

Damn. Zero, zero, zero, three.

(buzz)

Damn.

Yeah, I guess it's, like, a‐a date.

Could you maybe give me some pointers on what girls think is their favorite restaurant in town?

Well, yeah, but, son, I...

Could you maybe think about it soon?

So I can make reservations before the show?

Sure, no, no, yeah, but-but here's the thing, I...

Definitely think about it when she's got her clothes on, okay?

Hey, thanks, Dad, for, um, you know...

Hey! But... (sighs)

My pleasure, son.

Was that a client?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it was.

Zorn, I don't want to have to fire you.

Just... use the script, make a sale.

I know. I know. No, and I'm super close.

It's just, um, well, you know, I have this perfect way to connect with this client, and, uh, I mean, he was totally appreciating me. I mean, it was amazing.

And then, you know, I-I lost it, and-and now I'm afraid I'm gonna lose him, and I... I mean, God, I... I just love him so much, you know, it's...

Okay. Okay. I know... all about this way of connecting with a client, and... trust me, it does not work out.

I mean, there's a line there, there's temptation.

You know, just don't give in to it.

Oh, gosh, I think your best bet would just be to end it, you know?

You got to go over there in person, get the job done, and get out of there.

Who knows? Maybe if it doesn't end too badly, you could still make that sale.

In person.

Edie: Well, I warned him. Now his stuff is in the trash.

I mean, that is on him.

Oh. Y-You got a thing on your...

(screams)

Oh! Get it off!

Okay, k*ll it!

Okay, I'll get it, I'll get it.

I'm not gonna k*ll it. It's just a little...

(horrified gasping)

(garbage disposal grinding)

(creature grunting)

(cracking, screeching)

Oh, my God!

(creature grunting quietly)

Whew!

Look, as childish and invasive as Zorn can be, you can't force someone to move on.

You got to stop letting it drive you crazy.

Just let it go.

Come on.

Look, could I get upset about the tattoo that you still have on your behind?

Sure.

Do I?

Sometimes. Privately.

You know it means nothing to me.

I know, and I try not to let it torment me, which is why I prefer missionary.

You know what? You're right.

I should just let it go.

Yeah.

There is laser removal.

(Zorn shudders)

Hmm.

Well, let's see what else we got here.

Let's see. What?

Pretty creepy, man.

Hey, you want your five stars or not?

Wait, hold on. Who is that? Is that her brother?

Dude, I don't know.

What the hell?

Wow. And people say Zephyrians are the ones with the deviant sexual impulses, huh? (chuckles)

Well, maybe it's not her brother.

Hey!

Why can't I roll this window up?

It's busted, man.

Just don't worry about it.

Ah! This car sucks, dude.

Hey, take it down a notch.

Can I help you?

Oh, no, no, no, we're good, thank you.

Really?

You're good?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're just, uh, we were, um, yeah, we're looking for an address, but I-I think we're on the wrong street, so, uh...

I saw you urinate on my tree.

Oh, you saw that?

Okay. Well, I'm sorry. It was kind of an emergency.

But, hey, we're about to take off, so just...

Yeah, I just want to put this out there, man.

I do not know this guy at all.

I picked him up earlier. He was drinking in the park.

I was having a beer.

Yeah.

It was more than a beer.

And now you're at four stars, Brian.

You want to make it three?

You knocked over my eucalyptus tree!

What? I got a powerful stream.

Hell, I once pee-blasted a Glombeast off a cliff.

Maybe back in Vietnam or wherever, this sort of thing...

Vietnam? Vietnam? (chuckles)

Wh-Why would you say that? I mean (stammers) do I look Vietnamese to you, seriously?

Dude, that's r*cist.

Brian, turn the car on. Let's go.

(knocking)

Hey, buddy. You weren't answering your phone, so I figured I'd pop by.

Okay.

So anyway, I've, uh, got some fatherly advice for you.

Oh, fatherly advice? This is gonna be really cool.

Can't wait.

Well, I'm feeling like maybe things aren't gonna work out for you and Nancy.

It's just, um, I mean, you could do better.

Oh, you think I can do better? Really?

Oh, my gosh. My dad thinks that?

If I'm being honest, I think she might be prone to incest.

Okay, so it's definitely not because you went over to her house to spy on her, and insulted her dad to the point where he kicked a dent in your car?

Okay, all right, that did not happen.

Yes, it did! I saw you!

You spied on me?

Yeah. I used the Stone of Sight.

Got it out of Craig's safe... He says the code out loud when he types it in. Zero, zero, zero, six.

Are you kidding me? (groans)

Okay, well, you know what?

I think the best thing is probably for me to stop trying to help, I always seem to be making things worse.

Well, it's not like it matters.

I saw she has a boyfriend she didn't tell me about, so... that's what really sucks in the end.

You know, sometimes you really like someone, and you talk a big game like it's, it's gonna work out, but the fact is she's with someone else.

And it sucks.

I mean, it sucks (bleep).

I mean, I get it, you know? You wish you could just rip off the new guy's nose and break off his finger and stick it where his nose used to be and then just punch him in his stupid bicycle face!

I can see the headline now: "Man with Tiniest Genitals Dies, World Rejoices."

But then, I don't know, once you start to... let go and move on, who knows?

I mean, maybe it gets better.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, thanks, Dad.

It's really nice to finally have, like, an actual conversation, you know, where we can, like, talk to each o...

(Game Boy music playing)

Yeah. It's great, super great to...

Mm-hmm.

Finally have a... one-on-one conversation back and forth, where...

Yeah, totally.

...you're really listening Listening.

To everything I'm saying, and really processing...

Active process.

All right, well, here we go.

(grunts)

(faint, distorted voices)

(thunder rumbling)

Zorn: Nah, it's for the best.

There are just too many evil hands in the world.

Mainly yours. But thank you for finally moving your boxes.

Yeah, I know, it's weird. It's, like, we're, uh... like we're officially divorced now, I guess.

Hey, can you, uh... can you give us a minute?

Oh.

Listen, uh, Craig, I, uh, I owe you an apology.

How about we hit the old reset button?

I'd like that, Zorn.

Hello. I'm Zorn from Sanitation Solutions.

Do you have a second to talk about how satisfied you are with your current bathroom products supplier?

Yeah.

$600 on soap dispensers?

I know. It was impulsive.

What the hell were you thinking?

Well, well, well, trouble in paradise.

Zorn, how you make the puppets dance.

Look, honestly, I just feel sorry for Zorn.

Wait, wait. Hold on.

He lost you, he lives in squalor, the bangs are not working.

I just thought he needed a win for a change.

Well, when you say it like that, that's...

Wait a second, why are the puppets not dancing the way I want them to dance?

...unusual.

You're an amazing person.

No!

(grunting)

Stupid Stone! Come on! Stupid!

(grunting)

(metal rattling)

(shattering)

(creature crying)

(roars)