02x06 - Janet and Michael

[quirky music]

- Hello. - [shouts]

So... sorry.

To activate your Janet, press nose for three seconds.

Okay, okay.

Um, can you walk yet?

Here.

[mechanical whirring]

Oh.

Hello, I'm Janet.

Shh.

- Hello. - Shh.

Hello, I'm Janet.

I really need you to shut up.

Where did you get this?

Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?

Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void.

It's right next to Accounting.

And you just walked in and stole her?

It was that easy?

You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything?

Doors were unlocked, no security.

I mean, it makes sense, right?

They're good, so they're stupid and trusting.

I understand that you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place, but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky.

Why don't you just have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?

I thought about it, but... watch.

Bad Janet?

What up, skidmarks?

Let's try that thing again where - you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?

- Aww.

Now, really... really try your best.

- Fine. - Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?

Oh, there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square.

My favorite flavor is rocky road.

It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows, and your...

dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

I see what you mean.

Use the good one.

Janet, you and I are about to have a real adventure together.

Wait a second, Janet.

What... what are you... What are you telling me?

Are you saying that because you're glitching out...

The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse.

Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

[laughs]

Okay, okay.

So I suppose the next question should be, "What's causing the problem?" Unclear.

The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Okay. All right.

Yeah, this is very bad.

Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.

You got it.

A little short on time here, Janet.

It's just a little hard to get out.

Almost got it.

Here it is.

My user manual.

Okay. Let's get started.

"Hello, and welcome to your new Janet.

"Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness, and everything." And I need to skip ahead here.

Where's the, uh, troubleshooting part?

- Michael. - Hmm?

What's with the earthquake?

Janet's experiencing a slight technical issue.

Ew. What's wrong with it?

Oh, um, uh...

I tried to eat some frozen yogurt.

It looked so good, but I'm not supposed to eat anything.

So there was a little earthquake.

[rumbling]

See?

There it is again.

Can't you just reset these things?

What do you do again?

Oh, it's the ears, yeah?

It's... it's, uh...

It's down, down, out...

Vicky, can I... can I speak to you just for a second outside?

Look, this is a common problem, and I've got it under control.

I don't know, man.

First you went rogue at the party with your sports car and your weird earring...

- [laughs]

- And now Janet's breaking down?

I mean, it's like you're begging me to tell Shawn that you're incompetent.

Begging.

Vicky, this is a temporary problem.

I promise. Hey, you know who could use some torturing right now?

Chidi.

- Oh. I love torturing Chidi. - I know.

No, actually, I had this great idea the other night.

Thought it was worth exploring.

Picture this.

Needles.

Oh, that's the whole idea.

- Yeah, yeah. - Needles.

- Genius, right?

- Yeah.

I mean, needles.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.

- So smart. - Yeah.

Needles. Yeah, run with that.

Okay, hopefully bought us a little time.

Where were we?

Uh...

Oh, here we go. Yeah. "Glitches.

"In the event of malfunction, run the following tests/ First test, basic corporeal function." Hop up on the table, there.

[quirky music]

[To-do]

All right, great.

. trillion degrees.

A little bit on the high side, but no biggie.

And...

still no blood.

Oh, thank goodness.

Okay, what's next?

"Summoning and retrieval.

"Have Janet produce an object using the random object generator program." Okay.

A -ounce ostrich steak impaled on a giant novelty pencil that says, "Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over ." Here you go.

"Lordy, Lordy, I'm Over ." Perfect.

Okay.

"Third test. Informational Accuracy.

Glitches may be a sign that..." You didn't finish your sentence.

"Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is processing "or disseminating information that is incompatible with objective truth." They're talking about lying, Janet.

[solemn music]

This is all my fault.

I told you a lie that first day we met.

Okay. Here goes nothing.

Hello. I'm Janet.

And I have now been fully activated.

Hello, Janet.

I'm Michael, a Good Place architect.

One of the best. Top notch.

You're in luck here.

Happy to meet you, Michael.

I will help you make the perfect neighborhood.

Would you like to get started?

Uh, one small note there, Janet.

Uh, the neighborhood that I want to build might be a little different from the ones that you might be familiar with.

Is that all right?

Of course, silly billy.

I build and operate the neighborhood, but every aspect of the design is entirely up to you.

For example, if you'd like me to stop calling you silly billy, just say so.

Yeah, I don't like that at all.

Michael's fine.

Sounds good, Michael.

I lied to you.

I lied about who I was and what we were doing, and then I lied a billion more times to support that first lie.

And now you're all discombobulated.

This... is my fault.

Nope. You're wrong.

If the glitching was only a result of you lying to me, why wouldn't I have been glitching all along?

Why would it only be starting now?

Well, that... that's a good point.

I know, right?

- [knocking]

- M...

Excuse us, Michael, but we've been trying to call Janet and she isn't answering.

Hi, guys. I'm broken.

Uh, yeah.

I had to take her offline for a system check.

She'll be available real soon.

Cool, because I'm just so freaking excited, because Tahani said she's never had jalapeño poppers, and I wanted to get some for her.

They sound so disgusting.

But if Jason likes them, then maybe I will too.

Because we are together.

I can finally admit that.

Aww, babe, you admitted it.

That's sweet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You two are sleeping together?

Only when we're done having s*x.

Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

As soon as Michael puts me back online, I'd be more than happy to help you get that extra special gift for Tahani.

[quirky music]

- Whoa. - What's happening?

Oh, boy.

What the...?

Oh, man.

We got robbed!

They took the walls, they took the floor, and we were standing here the whole time?

These guys are good.

Michael, what do we do?

Okay, there we go.

Nothing to worry about.

Happens sometimes.

Perfectly normal. Let's go.

Is Janet going to be all right?

Totally fine, please just go back to your house and wait for her there.

She'll show up shortly with lots of jalapeño poppers.

- And cheesy fries?

- Mm-hmm.

- With donkey sauce?

- Sure.

- And a cool hat?

- Ding dong.

So I don't seem to be getting better.

That glitch appears to be limited to this building.

- So Vicky won't know. - That's the good news.

The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence.

So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Okay, let's walk through what just happened.

Jason and Tahani came in, revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship...

I already knew that, and I'm so happy for them.

[retching]

Janet, tell me a lie.

Janets can't lie.

You lied to Vicky earlier.

Interesting. I guess I did.

I suppose after reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie.

That's fun. I want to try to lie again.

I love your outfit.

[thuds]

[quirky music]

"Incompatible with objective truth." Janet, the problem isn't me lying to you, but rather you lying to other people.

Like when you said to Jason, "I'd be happy to help you and Tahani." That was a lie.

No, it wasn't.

I'm always happy to help people.

- That's my main purpose. - I know, I know.

But it was still a lie, even though you didn't intend it to be, because you weren't actually happy to help them.

Because you're in love with Jason.

Say what now?

After the very first time you were rebooted, and as you were slowly regaining your knowledge, you bonded with Jason.

The two of you got married, and I think, somehow, you're still, deep down, in love with him.

Ha!

No, that is impossible.

Think logically.

When was the first glitch?

When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couples therapy.

And the second glitch?

When I said I was happy to see them embracing.

And the third glitch... the earthquake?

When I said I was happy that I'd helped improve their relationship.

Ohh... nuts.

Yeah.

But I am happy for them.

I am. I am.

Am I?

I am.

I am not. I am not.

I am not that. I am not happy for them.

[gasps]

But how is this possible?

I don't have any memory of being married to Jason.

You said yourself that Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted.

Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason was some sort of mutation that then was amplified with each reboot.

Okay. That makes total sense.

I know what you have to do now.

Kill me.

Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case it may be inappropriate.

So I'll try again.

[clears throat]

You have to kill me, Michael.

Better?

Janet, I can't reboot you.

That will just intensify your feelings for Jason.

And that's what got us into this mess in the first place.

I'm not saying reboot me.

I'm saying set me to self-destruct.

"In the event of continued malfunction, "hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear." Yeah, right here.

"Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself.

"When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, "she can be launched into space "through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack." I'm very high in potassium.

Like a banana.

"A new Janet will need to be procured in order to return the neighborhood to functionality." Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet, and everything will go back to normal.

Well, not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space, but you'll be back to normal.

Are you sure this is what you want?

To self-destruct?

What I really want is to stay and serve the neighborhood, but due to my feelings for Jason, I'm putting him and everyone else at risk.

So it looks like it's...

[slicing]

Adios, Janito!

Hey, guys.

Sorry to interrupt, um, but you didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture...

uh, the one with the needles...

in my face.

A little busy here, bud.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

I don't want to be a nudge, but is there anything else coming down the pike that you forgot to mention?

I honestly don't know, but I have bigger fish to fry.

So you, know, just... just walk it off.

I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them.

Don't know what to tell you.

Okay, but...

Okay, self-destruct time.

Marbleize me, Michael.

It's the only choice.

I won't feel any pain or anything.

Kill me. Kill me.

Kill me. Kill...

I really don't want to do this, Janet.

But I suppose it makes sense.

Great. Grab a paper clip.

[melancholy music]

Okay, that was the last pudding shop.

Great. Should I begin to welcome the residents?

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

No, this is all wrong!

Pudding restaurant?

What even is that?

Pudding won't work!

It's okay, Michael. Just relax.

I can't, Janet!

My design has to be perfect for me to... to...

In order to...

accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Oh.

Whoa, I'm way out on a limb here.

And I'm all alone.

No, you're not.

You have me: Janet.

I can help you.

It's too hard to explain, but there are certain aspects of my plan that...

that you just can't understand.

Try me.

[laughs]

All right. Fine, fine.

Um... Janet, uh...

What's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?

Frozen yogurt.

[whooping]

Oh, yes!

[laughs]


Frozen yogurt.

Oh, Janet, you're a genius.

Correct. But why do you want a food...

No, no, don't... don't worry about that.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah, okay.

Let's make all these restaurants frozen yogurt.

- Okeydokey. - [chimes]

[laughs]

Would you like to try it?

Oh, yeah.

It's just... okay.

Which means it's perfect.

Let's bring in the residents.

I don't know what just happened, but I'm happy you're happy.

Michael.

Hmm?

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Yes. Sorry.

Oh. I can't do it.

Come on, dude.

It's dangerous, is what it is.

Vicky could find out, and then the...

you know, the plan, the whole plan...

It's bad for the plan, Janet.

That... that's the reason.

I don't understand.

Given the situation, it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.

Okay, look, see, here...

here's the reason.

See, I promised the four humans that we would escape to the Good Place once and for all.

And without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there.

The new Janet will be able to help you with that.

Well, all right, but it's not only that, though.

See, it's also because of, um...

What if Vicky found out?

You already asked me that.

Why are you making such a big deal about turning me into a marble forever?

Because of reasons.

There are reasons. They exist, and I just don't want to explain them right now.

What are the reasons?

They're reasons, Janet!

Okay, but what are they?

The reason is friends.

[melancholy music]

You're my friend, Janet. That's why I can't kill you.

We have been through so much together.

I mean, yeah, sure, for you, you know, each time I rebooted you, you met me all over again.

But for me, our...

our relationship has become important.

You're my oldest, my truest, my most loyal friend.

I can't just get rid of you and replace you with some other Janet I don't even know.

[paperclip clatters]

Well, well, well.

Yeah, don't... don't do that.

Lay off.

Michael.

That was so nice of you.

I'm glad you said that.

Well... I mean it.

Look at us. A couple old pals.

Trying to make our way in this crazy world that I built.

Two peas in a pod.

One of whom needs to kill the other one immediately.

Michael, come on. Kill me.

No. No. There has to be another way.

This problem you're facing, it's about emotion, right?

That's a human problem.

So maybe we should consult our most problematic human.

So, let me get this straight.

You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble because you're causing earthquakes because you're sad about Jason...

to whom you were once married...

because he's currently sleeping with Tahani?

- Correct. - I don't think I've ever meant this literally, but that might be too much information.

First of all, I totally get the Jason thing.

I mean, he's a ding dong, but also a straight hottie.

So, up top.

But more important, what you're going through is something every person has gone through.

Not a person.

Actually, right now, you kind of are.

Because you just found out your ex is dating someone else.

And, yeah, it sucks.

But trust me, it's not worth all this drama.

You just need to get drunk and go dancing.

You'll forget all about Jason.

- Can you get drunk?

- Not really.

Although, if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets, I do get pretty loopy.

Do that.

Pop a couple magnets, listen to some No Doubt, dye your hair.

You'll be totally fine in, like, two seconds.

I mean, honestly, the best move is to get another dude and just go to town.

Rebound guy.

But I guess here, your options are pretty limited.

- What about Michael?

- Extraordinarily bad idea.

Yeah, right. Forget it.

But you don't need to worry.

You're awesome.

You contain all the knowledge in the universe, you have a rippin' bod, and you can literally do anything.

This is just a blip.

So, was it helpful?

Yes. Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl.

So I'm going to go get it, girl.

- Get what?

- Unclear.

I'll get everything, just to be safe.

And I should be able to avoid glitches by watching what I say around Jason and Tahani.

Ah, thank you for your help.

I'm so glad we're friends.

Me, too.

And since we're friends, I can tell you this honestly.

Take that outfit out of rotation.

It makes you look bottom heavy.

It does, doesn't it?

Ugh.

If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go to my void for a little while.

I just need to spend some time alone and focus on myself.

Take all the time you need.

[chime rings]

- Hi, there. - Hello.

Janet, who's that man?

This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.

- I made him!

- [laughs]

Hi, I'm Derek.

You must be Mich... oh.

Okay. That makes more sense.

You must be Michael.

Janet's made a lot of talk-talk into my ear holes about you.

Michael, Michael, Michael, Clichael, Clichael, Clichael.

Janet, you can't make a person.

I know. But I did, though.

Eleanor said that, to forget about Jason, I should create a rebound guy.

Hello, I'm Derek.

So I made one: Derek.

I'm her boyfriend, and she made me.

He's so nice.

[laughs]

Whoa, look at this glass.

Oh, my God.

I'm in there, too?

What's going on right now?

It's my first time making someone, so he might be a little bit off.

Look, this could be...

no, please put that down.

This could be very dangerous.

It shouldn't even be possible.

Well, maybe not reboots ago, but apparently now it is.

- [gasps]

- [laughs]

Can you believe this?

- Derek... is it Derek?

- It's Derek.

Derek, could you please give me and Janet a moment alone?

Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute.

Okay. I'll miss you like crazy.

- I'll miss you more. - No. I'll miss you more.

Bye!

[laughs]

What a dork, am I right?

[giggles]