02x07 - Derek

Go back to the void, babe.

I'll be there in a minute.

- Okay, I'll miss you like crazy.

- I'll miss you more.

No.

I'll miss you more.

Bye!

That's my first time making someone so he might be a little bit off.

Janet, you can't just go around inventing people.

Get rid of him immediately.

No.

Eleanor told me to find a rebound guy.

I couldn't find one so I made one.

[laughs]

He's helping me forget about Jason.

- [chime]

- [groans]

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, [whimpers]

Jason, Jason, Jason...

- Honey...

- Jason, Jason, Jason...

Babe.

Babe!

Don't be jealous.

- I love you now.

- [groans]

We are going to spend every second together.

- [sighs]

- No, no!

No, you are not.

Janet, no one can know about...

I'm so sorry.

What is your name again?

Derek Hoffstetler.

If anybody finds out about him, we are doomed.

He has to stay in your void.

It's our void now.

[laughs]

- We moved in together!

- What?!

Can you believe it?

I got my own hanger for my jumpsuit.

Already?

I mean, that's so fast.

Well, when you know you know.

And we know literally everything.

We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...

Derek!

[dramatic movie music plays]

- Hey, guys.

- [gasps]

Michael, you frightened me.

Jason's making me watch this horror film about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child.

Get over here.

Hey, I've got some great news.

I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway.

I bet you're tired of being cooped up in this house, aren't you?

I am a bit, actually.

All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy.

Me?

Dewy?

Well, there is going to be plenty of sun and fun at the private campsite that I set up for you at the edge of the neighborhood.

Here you go.

I told Vicky that I'll be torturing you for the time being so just relax.

Live it up.

Out you go, here.

Now sadly, Janet is still offline so you can't call her, okay?

The best news is none of this is suspicious.

I don't know what's going to happen to us,

but I need to tell you something.

I love you.

What are you watching?

Um, "Cannonball Run II." Again?

You watch that movie a lot.

Well, it's basically my favorite movie of all time.

But you can never watch it.

This copy's mine.

Uh-oh.

I guess I'm still pretty selfish.

Help!

I need another ethics lesson, quick!

Very weird energy coming off you right now.

Hey guys, whatcha doing?

Nothing?

Great.

So, Chidi, just wanted to double check.

How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

- It's frowned upon.

- Okay.

What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier?

That's okay, right?

Is there a problem here, bud?

Okay, I'll just tell you.

Um...

No, too hard to explain.

I'll show you.

Janet.

- Hi, there.

- Hey, there!

Who the fork is that?

Derek Hoffstetler, P.I.

Derek is my rebound guy.

I made him.

Oh.

Did you do that because of what I said?

Yes, because of what you said.

- Janet...

- Thank you, Eleanor.

Thank you, Eleanor.

You know, you seem so sad.

Do you want me to make you a boyfriend too?

- Ooh, I could have a brother?

- Yes!

Based on your last , comments, it would be Stone Cold Steve Austin's head on Tahani's body.

Or vice versa.

She's not going to make you anything.

- Janet, that will be all.

- Okay, goodbye.

- Say "goodbye," Derek.

- Ah, good-bob.

I hope we same place again very now.

[chuckles]

His brain is wrong.

[both laugh]

- Mmm.

- Mm.

Now, the goal is to tap the ball hard enough that it goes through the wicket but not so hard that it goes too far through.

It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint.

Oh, so restrained.

I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game." It's kind of fun I guess, but can I teach you a different game?

In this one, you just whack it as hard as you can in whatever direction you want.

Jaguars rule!

[glass shatters]

The Jaguars are very good.

Oh!

Whoa, nice.

Mmm.

[glass shattering]

[laughs]

- Thor!

- Well done.

Okay, here's where I am on this: We got to kill Derek.

No, think about it.

What if Vicky calls for Janet, and Derek shows up too?

She's got to have a lot of questions that we can't answer.

But Derek does seem to be helping Janet get over Jason.

Right?

No earthquakes since he showed up.

If we get rid of Derek, then maybe Janet will start glitching again...

Okay, if we can't kill Derek, then we've got to break up Jason and Tahani.

If that relationship ends, then Janet won't feel sad anymore, and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.

Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama, - and I am into it.

- I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also ethically kind of dicey.

Here comes the egghead.

Well, look, Jason and Tahani are happy together, and telling them that he was once married to Janet might cause them harm.

It's not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.

Wait, but isn't keeping a secret from someone basically like lying though?

No, no, it's okay to keep a secret as long as that secret isn't harming anyone, and telling them that secret might cause harm.

- Noice!

- Cool.

Good point, egghead.

I'll tell you what else would cause them harm, getting caught and being sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover.

I know, but we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things.

I know it's tempting to take a short-cut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.

Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?

Everyone.

Constantly.

[imitates a trumpet]

I hereby pronounce you King Jason.

Dope.

Where did you learn how to do this?

The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls.

It was a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then, of course, the Sorbonne.

Do you know what, I don't think I ever asked you were educated.

I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

Didn't you get seasick?

No, sorry...

they were tied together in a junk yard.

It wasn't a very good school.

For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is...

deeply disturbing.

And yet, I envy you.

I was never allowed to goof off.

Never even had a friend I could just be myself around.

Maybe I can be that friend.

Or your husband.

[chuckles]

Okay, stop it.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

Will you marry me?

I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.

Tell Janet that Derek can stay, but she's got to keep him under wraps so that none of the other demons find out.

Fine.

As long as they fly under the radar and Janet stays happy, I think we'll be safe.

- Janet.

- [both shouting]

- How could you do this.

- You don't respect me, and you never have!

Because to you I will always be that guy you made.

- Guys, what's going?

- Okay, can we not do this in front of my friends?

Oh, so they're your friends now.

I'm stating a fact.

They are your friends!

I don't know these people.

I am out of here.

Oh, great, Derek.

I'm going to go back to our void, and I'm going to try to forget this ever happened.

It is not your void.

It is my void.

I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness, but you are always there.

Fine.

I'll go somewhere else.

- Fine!

- No, no, not fine.

Don't go somewhere else.

Okay...

yeah...

We're forked here, aren't we?

Look, Jason, you're lovely, and I've honestly had a wonderful time with you these past few weeks, but why on Earth would I marry you?

Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.

Decent point.

Also, we like each other, and I promise to always be nice to you.

Okay.

I'll marry you.

But I need some time to plan a proper reception.

I mean, where will everyone sit?

Will it be Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?

Let's have it today at the beach.

The beach is where all the best stuff happens like...

swimsuit issues and...

"Saving Private Ryan" and "Jersey Shore" and...

- crabs!

- Okay.

Oh, I hope Janet's back online.

- Janet.

- Hi, there.

Is everything all right, Janet?

Yeah, mm-hmm, everything is fine, it's okay, yeah.

I'm fine.

So, it's all fine.

[fake laughs]

How can I help you?

- [gasps]

- There he is!

Derek.

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Derek, get down from there.

I am not coming down because I meant to come here.

I came here on purpose because this tree is my new house.

This is Derek's house, and Janet's not allowed in because I booby trapped it.

- Hi.

- Janet!

Oh, my God, you're here, thank God.

Derek, I am not talking to you right now.

I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.

"The ceremony will be private, "but we think it would be totally dope "if you biz-natches came and got turnt up with us afterward." I think I can guess who wrote the invitation.

How come you never get this upset at anything I do, Janet?

Do not start with me right now, Derek.

Oh, I will start it.

- No, no.

- Don't.

Do not avoid me by going to the void.

- No, no!

- No, no, no!

- What a little bench!

- [groans]

Things are falling apart here.

Chidi...

I understand the ethics involved, but we need to stop that wedding.

We break up Jason and Tahani.

Janet stops being sad.

Derek goes away.

- Fine, but...

- [both groan]

There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect.

In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek.

Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.

No, I got you, I got you.

So, it's like...

ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.

No, the winking is bad.

You should not be winking or saying the word "wink." Okay.

We really need to kill...

We really need to kill any suspicion that I want to murder Derek.

Boom!

- Wink.

- No.

Tahani, you're so smart.

Every day you teach me something new about...

art...

and history...

and why you shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes, it's candles.

You're basically, like, a hot genius teacher who sometime has s*x with me, your student.

That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested.

Oh, I love you, Tahani.

[imitates gun shots]

Pew!

Pew!

Jason...

I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side.

We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place.

[chuckles]

I'm not a factory worker.

But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances, and I can't believe I'm about to say this but...

- I think I love...

- Wait!

Stop the ceremony!

- This wedding cannot happen.

- This is not helpful, but I have always wanted to be a part of a wedding that was stopped dramatically.

We can't get married?

Why not?

Because...

Because...

Hang on a second.

I can't do it.

Professor Buzzkill got in my head.

I'm just thinking about all the rules I have to follow to stay ethical.

Someone else is going to have to do this.

- I can't, no...

- All right, all right.

I hate the be the bearer of bad news...

Uh, I think you mean "Bad News Bear." Before all the reboots, Jason was married to Janet.

Okay?

That's why Janet's been glitching because she's sad 'cause she misses Jason, In fact, she was so sad she...

Well...

Derek.

Well, well, well.

Jason Mendoza.

At last we meet.

You've got a lot of nerve buddy.

No, no.

I'm Eleanor, man.

Everybody, this is Derek.

Janet made Derek as a boyfriend to try and rebound from Jason.

Oh, I feel quite light-headed.

Janet, fetch my tizzy couch please.

Decision time.

Any second now someone is going to realize we're all missing.

Why don't you just reboot all of us?

Tahani and Jason will forget they were ever in love.

It was a flukey thing.

It probably won't happen again, and Chidi and I can forget...

anything we want to forget.

You know, just like, uh...

personal bloopers that were embarrassing or...

uh, days we were very gassy, et cetera.

And then, we'll meet back in your office.

You bring us up to speed, and we go from there.

No, no, no, we are not starting over.

We've come too far.

Our only options are to reboot either Janet or Derek.

Neither one is permissible as your primary intention.

I mean, the Doctrine of Double Effect, remember?

Well, man, I'm working with a doctrine of not being completely effed, okay?

I don't understand what you even like about Jason.

What does he have that I don't have?

A soul...

and genitals.

[groans]


Here we go with this whole "no genitals" thing again.

You're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a pen1s, Janet.

This isn't about your wind-chime pen1s.

In fact, it's not about you at all.

I don't even know what it is about which is very confusing because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

Janet, can I speak to you alone for a second?

Okay, look, when you said you were sad about Jason and I suggested, "hey, find a rebound guy," it's 'cause I thought it was some sort of schoolgirl crush, like, just some guy you made out with a couple of times in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels.

- Not based on a real example.

- Yes, it is.

His name was Marcus Bitsburger.

Marcus?

I always called him Ben.

Look, I gave you bad advice, okay?

Jason was clearly important to you, and real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure.

I mean, you will feel better after some time goes by.

I don't really experience the passage of time.

I do use it as lotion occasionally.

I mean, weird, but keep doing it because your skin looks amazing.

Thank you.

Not skin.

The point is, to get through a real heartbreak, you kind of just have to sit with your feelings and mull it over and power through.

And you have to talk about it.

[groans]

Talking about your feelings is the worst.

It's so much easier just to find a rebound guy and have s*x about your feelings.

I don't know if I want to talk to Jason right now.

That's cool.

Until then...

If you ever need a friend to talk to...

Just know I'm here.

Derek.

There's no easy way to say this.

- I never should have made you.

- [chuckles]

I think it's time for you to go away.

I understand because you understand.

Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life.

It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.

I made you this morning.

We all remember.

- Okay, you ready to do this?

- Yep.

Janet.

- What are you doing?

- I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts and emotions.

This is the only way I can reabsorb them.

It will just be a minute.

Dang it.

That is some hot reabsorbing.

Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?

[wind chimes ringing]

Uh-oh, I hear wind chimes.

Look away.

Everybody look away.

I'm going to keep watching, but you guys look away.

- [chuckles]

- Goodbye, Derek.

Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend.

Bye, everybody.

Derek's going away now.

Does he seem a little bit uh...

still alive?

Well, he's about as dead as he can be.

Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Derek.

Are you worried you might start glitching again?

No, I think I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through, and now that I know I can talk to my friends about it.

Okay, I'm going to toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend into a remote corner of my limitless void.

- Bye, guys.

- Derek!

[sighs]

I'

Me too.

Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.

I mean, we don't even know that much about each other.

Like, who was the first person you kissed?

The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E.

Cheese band.

Okay, okay.

I think that's probably enough getting to know each other for now.

We'll just take things slow.

I know I'm technically married to Janet, but I don't remember it at all.

I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position, and I still like you a lot.

Me too.

What happens now?

Don't know.

Do you want to try...

reabsorbing me?

[laughs]

- Is something wrong?

- No.

Yep.

I've been keeping a secret from you.

- About you.

- What is it?

The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you.

So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.

Yeah, well, forget all that.

This is freaking me out.

I'm losing my mind.

So just tell me.

And you don't need to respond because...

I know you have trouble saying how you feel...

I love you too.

I've never been that certain about anything.

I once even tried to...

rent socks.

How did I...

say that...

that easily.

I mean, I get how you said it.

I'm a total smokeshow.

But how did I say it so easily?

Look, I don't want to talk about this, but after everything that's happened today, I think we gotta.

So, let's just get it all out there.

Um...

Well, yeah, I guess, do you...

I don't know...

do you have any feelings like that for me again, now?

I'm sorry, but I don't think I do?

Sorry?

Why are you sorry?

'Cause I'm relieved, because I don't either.

So, all good.

I mean, I feel incredibly close to you...

No, no, no, no...

dude, dude...

you don't need to explain yourself.

We are on the same page, okay?

Good.

Hey guys, sorry.

I know it's late.

Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?

Actually, we're chatting about something right now.

No, it's cool.

We were wrapping it up.

Good talk, bro.

- What's on your mind?

- Um, well...

being ethical...

it's hard, and I kind of hate it.

When's it get easier?

Why don't you ask Chidi?

He's the ethics master.

I'm just a newbie, and I still kind of suck at it.

Yeah, that's why I'm asking you.

I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolutely certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up.

That was the signature Shellstrop move.

Do you remember once when your change oil light came on?

You just abandoned your car in a parking garage.

Of course.

But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person.

And I just...

Why?

I don't know.

I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, "don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar.

You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store.

That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, "and he fell down.

"Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives." - I get it.

- This ethics stuff, it's hard, and it's confusing.

It is such a buzzkill.

But, it does get rid of the little voice.

Because at least I'm trying to do the right thing instead of the crappy thing, and I've got to say, man, I don't miss the little voice.

Well...

Thank you for helping me today.

Wow.

You really did just come here to chat, didn't you?

Just shootin' the shirt with your old pal Eleanor.

I guess so, yeah, why?

It's just a very human-y thing to do.

Stick with the program, demon buddy.

I really feel like things are starting to click in our little study group.

Hmm.

Hello, Michael.

Shut the door.

Have a seat.

[dramatic music swells]