02x12 - Somewhere Else

So, Michael, you're saying there's a new angle I should consider in this case?

Love that.

Major drama.

[CHUCKLING]

Spill the tea, sweetheart.

The premise of our system is that a person's score during her time on Earth is final and inarguable, but because of my accidental experiment, these four humans got better after they died.

That's not supposed to be possible.

Over and over again, I watched as they became thoughtful and generous and caring.

And think about where they started.

Uh, Jason, growing up in Jacksonville, what did you do for fun after school every day?

Me and my friends whipped empty spray paint cans at flamingos.

And now he's so much better.

I was already pretty good.

When I was six, I hit one right on the button.

Okay, let the immortal beings talk, darling.

So they got better in your little pretend world.

That doesn't prove anything about what they were like on Earth.

No, see, I think it does prove something.

If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans...

the very method we use to deem them good or bad...

is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.

Damn!

That was intense!

Look at my arm, y'all.

Look, I got goosebumps.

Huh, yeah.

Doesn't happen very often.

Wow, so you saw your parents in the test?

Yes.

And I immediately fell right back into my old pattern, desperately trying to impress them and earn their admiration.

Then I heard this little voice in my head saying, "Tahani, don't do this." The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from "Downton Abbey." Oh, yeah, sorry.

Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Anyway, I took a deep breath, told them I ate a Cheeto, and walked away.

Man.

You have made so much progress.

I'm proud of you, hot stuff.

Whatever progress I have made, it's because you and I have become mates.

That's British for "friends." No, I know.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Man.

Think about everything that's happened to us.

We died, Michael tortured us, we teamed up with him, we escaped, we went through the Portal, The Judge ruled against us, then Michael showed up.

This has been one of the craziest years of my life.

One of?

Yeah, I'm not sure what I would do if one more insane thing happened.

Hi, Jason.

I love you.

Oh, word?

Word.

I've been avoiding telling you.

My excuse was that I needed time to evaluate my complex feelings, but that was just a rationalization.

This might be the last time I ever get to talk to you, so there it is...

I love you.

And I hereby stop avoiding this topic and rationalizing by saying the situation is complicated.

Or that my brain is grinding like a fork in a garbage disposal.

All right.

Whatever.

You're not really a part of this, Chidi.

Hey, guess what.

I think I love you too, girl.

I'm not a girl.

I'm also not just a Janet anymore.

I don't know what I am.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Hey, man.

What's up?

Hot diggity dog.

Oh, no!

Now the thing I said right after we kissed will always be "hot diggity dog." - [LAUGHS]

- Whatever.

It was an honest reaction.

I stand by it.

Hi, guys.

Couple quick announcements.

Would anyone eat chips and guac if I put it out?

It's good.

It's homemade.

No takers?

A'ight.

Second thing: we figured out a plan to save your souls.

For the time being, The Judge is gonna put you in your own medium places, like Mindi St.

Clair.

And while you're there, I'll keep working every angle I can think of to get you guys into the Good Place, for real.

This is great.

So we'd all be together?

Oh, no, that's the thing about Medium Places...

it has to be tailored to what's medium for the individuals.

So if you're all together, it ain't medium.

How much time will we be alone?

Hard to say.

Uh, could be a month.

Could be a million years.

So, between a month and a million years.

- Yeah, give or take.

- Yeah?

Somewhere in there.

Come on, you guys, I know this isn't perfect, but I need more time to build my case, and it's either this or back to the Bad Place.

Yeah.

I'll say it.

Both those options suck.

Okay, I'm sorry if that's blunt, Your Honor, but it's true.

Also, Chidi just laid one on me, so I'm kinda dizzy.

You two kissed?

Hot diggity dog!

That's what I said!

The point is, we've all gotten better.

Why should we have to go live alone in a boring void because of a messed-up system?

- How is that justice?

- Okay.

Slow your roll there, Erin Brockovich.

First of all, y'all didn't get good enough to pass the tests I just gave you.

Second, I still believe that the only reason that you improved in Michael's fake neighborhood is because you thought there was a reward at the end of the rainbow.

You're supposed to good things because you're good!

Not because you're seeking moral desert.

And I still believe that they would've become good people if they'd just gotten a...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

A push...

in the right direction.

Oh, no.

Nope, nope.

Absolutely not.

- It's a little crazy...

- A little bit crazy?

It's Looney Tunes.

- What are they talking about?

- No idea.

It sets a very dangerous precedent.

It's only four people.

And it's clearly the best way to see if bad people can become good without knowing anything about what's waiting for them in the afterlife.

Shotgun.

Whatever they're talking about, if there's a shotgun, I call shotgun.

It's never gonna work, man.

If it doesn't, then they go right back to the Bad Place.

- [SIGHS]

- No one gets hurt.

Except them, forever.

And me, I assume, also.

Forever.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

- okay, let's do it.

- Yes!

Ha!

I don't know why.

I'm just feeling kinda funky.

But there have to be strict rules.

Otherwise, the results will be tainted, and I reserve the right to change my mind - at any point.

- About what?!

Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f...

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Why are you like this?

Excuse me?

Why am I like this?

You don't know me, dude.

You don't know what I'm like.

Look what you made me do, jagoff.

[SIGHS]

Look out!

Uh-oh.

[GASPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Holy crap.

I just almost died.

She needs to know what was said.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

God, Eleanor, take longer next time.

Oh, you look like crap.

I was outside the supermarket arguing with that little environmental twerp...

- Ugh, I hate that guy.

- Really?

That skinny little hippy body kinda turns me on.

- Gross.

- Guys, listen.

I dropped the margarita mix, and when I went to pick it up, a bunch of shopping carts came right at me, and I was just frozen.

And then someone pushed me out of the way, and the carts got, like, demolished by a truck.

I mean, I could've died.

- Oh, my God.

- Wow.

That's crazy.

So is the margarita mix, like, gone?

I had a near death experience recently.

You know that old warehouse that burned down last month and, like, four people died?

That building is, like, right by my old dentist.

If I still went to that dentist and I had an appointment that day, I would've been like...

right near there.

I was in Syracuse, New York, like two weeks before / .

- No way!

- Yeah, days.

I can't believe we all almost died.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop,

and I think I might be a monster.

I'm rude, I'm selfish,

I cyberbullied Ryan Lochte until he quit Instagram,

but something happened to me today,

and from now on, I'm gonna try

to become a better, kinder,

more generous person.

Hey, can I use your credit card?

You know what?

Yes, you can.

Cool.

It's for p0rn.

I already used it.

[PLEASANT MUSIC]

Hey.

You look happy.

You get laid last night?

I didn't.

Tried.

Hard.

This chick that I met after I followed her into a yoga class, but she wasn't into it.

Maced me.

Right in the eyes.

Stung like hell.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

Hey.

Listen, dude.

What you're doing here...

selling fake medicine to people, tricking them...

is wrong.

Yeah.

And?

I can't be a part of it anymore.

I'm trying to become a better person, and as long as I work here...

Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit, who cares?

Give me your company ID.

Thank you.

And your parking pass.

- And your panties, please.

- Dude.

What?

Come on.

I had to try.

By the way, technically, that is not sexual harassment, because she doesn't work here anymore.

You're wearing a wire?

Yeah.

Company's being investigated for fraud, so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down.

Good timing on your part.

Dude, get help.

I'm becoming a better person.

You should, too.

Hey, Eleanor, do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?

Do you want to chew on my ass...

sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

S-sure.

Hi there, do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Hey.

Remember me?

Ah!

Don't hurt me.

My bones are brittle.

I have a calcium deficiency.

No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man.

I came to apologize.

There.

I did it.

I apologized.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did, assface.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Nope.

You're right.

I didn't.

I apologize for being mean to you like a thousand times.

There's really no excuse.

Thanks.

Apology accepted.

Uh, what's happening?

I'm scared.

Hey, I'm on kinda like a self-improvement kick.

Do you think you could help me out, teach me to get all horny for the environment or whatever?

Hey, everyone.

This is Eleanor.

She's joining the team.

[APPLAUSE]

Hi, welcome.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

[COUNTERS TICKING]

All right, Eleanor.

[GASPS]

[THE SUBMARINES' "MAYBE"]

♪ There is a sign ♪

♪ Among the remnants ♪

♪ Of all our words ♪

♪ Best left unsaid ♪

♪ And when the truth ♪

♪ Flies in our direction ♪

♪ Do we work it through ♪

♪ Or lose our heads ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪

♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe we're wrong ♪

Mm, babes, get in on these nachos.

- They're delish.

- Mmm, mm-hmm.

I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

Ew!

Why?

Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?

Yeah.

That's exactly why.

Okay, guys, um, can I say something for a second?

- I love you.

- Aww.

I do.

I mean, I went through a really rough time last year with the whole Dress Bitch thing and people selling T-shirts with my face on them, but you two stuck by me.

- I love you, you dumb sluts!

- Awww.

- Come on.

- [GIGGLING]

Okay, there's probably something we should tell you.

Or not.

We could also not.

We have to.

It's the right thing to do.

I tore your dress, and then I lied about it.

And then Brittany and I were the ones who made and sold the T-shirts.

But, we did not keep the money.

Yes, we did.

We kept all the money.

And I'm really sorry.

Okay.

That took a lot of courage - for you to admit that...

- Mm-hmm.

And I admire your honesty.

You stupid skank!

How could you do that to me?!

I hate you!

You're both disgusting hogs, and I want you to move out of my apartment forever literally starting right now!

I'm still really glad we told the truth.

Cool.

[GRUNTS]

Okay.

Steamed vegetable medley and ice water.

Can I just get the check?

And can you throw these plants in the trash?

♪ Such a long time now ♪

♪ We're doing battle with our own ♪

♪ Familiar inhibitions ♪

♪ Far away from ♪

♪ Home ♪

♪ Our trusty compass fails to find ♪

♪ This strange and new position ♪

♪ Maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪

♪ But maybe, maybe, maybe we're strong ♪

♪ But maybe, maybe ♪

♪ Maybe we're wrong ♪

[SIGHS]


Damn it.

They're suing you?!

This chick is claiming she has whiplash.

She wasn't in the car when I hit it!

This is on you.

You should've pretended like you didn't see it and walked away, like everyone else does.

I know!

I've hit your car like six times and never said anything.

But I'm trying to be good!

[SNICKERING]

How is that working out for you?

[LAUGHING]

[COUNTER TICKING]

- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

- It's open, dummy.

Eleanor, where have you been?

Oh, hey, man.

Sorry, it's been a crazy month.

You know, moving was a hassle, and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit, and I ate vegetables for the first time, and I got diarrhea for, like, a week.

Uh, I know we don't pay a lot, but this is a job, and we need to know we can count on you.

We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy for the organization.

I really think...

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever boring crap this is, but dude, you need to get dressed.

I got tickets to Taylor Splift.

The Taylor Swift reggae cover band.

They're terrible.

It's gonna be amazing.

[GIGGLES]

Mmm.

Yeah, that sounds like more fun.

- I'ma do that.

- Eleanor!

What?!

What, dude?

I've been nothing but good for, like, six months, and all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment, a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account.

Being good is for suckers.

What do you even get out of it?

A feeling of fulfillment in your soul.

Gross.

That's the grossest sentence I've ever heard, okay?

I quit.

Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oof!

I still think he's kinda hot.

I guess.

In like a sick Victorian boy kind of way.

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where we, like, feed him soup.

So tell me about the new business.

We sell classes at a for-profit university, and the classes train people how to sell supplements.

So it's a Ponzi scheme within a Ponzi scheme?

- That sounds kinda dicey.

- Oh, it's super dicey.

But I'm in witness protection, so technically, I can't be convicted of any crime.

Well, that's definitely not true, but I also don't care.

Which one's my desk?

[SIGHS]

You realize what the problem is, right?

Yes, but there's no way to help.

[CHORTLING]

I'm only giving that guy three stars because he didn't let me stick my head out the moon roof.

Yeah!

Dude, my boyfriend just texted.

His wife's out of town, so I'm gonna head over there.

- Mwah!

- What?

That's lame.

- Boo!

- Happy birthday!

Hello, bartender.

One alcohol drink, please.

It's my birthday, if you want to give it to me for free.

[CHUCKLES]

I always say that, but it actually is my birthday.

- Hmm.

- Last year on my birthday, I almost died, and then I did a bunch of stuff that was good, but weird.

And then I stopped.

And now I'm here.

Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year.

- Hm.

- Wanna talk about it?

And in the end, Anthony Anderson and Jerry O'Connell start a successful shampoo company and you see the kangaroo jumping around Australia.

[SNORTS]

That is the plot of the movie "Kangaroo Jack." - Why did I tell you that?

- It's unclear.

You know the thing is, the problem really, with being a do-gooder?

- What's that?

- No one cares.

I mean, some people care a little bit.

The twerpy little twerps from the environmental place, they care, but I was a good person for six months.

That's like five years, and it felt okay, but not as good as I thought it would.

And what did I get for it?

Ah, see, now you're talking about moral desert.

Exactly.

Wait, I am?

What?

Moral desert is the concept that if you act with virtue, you deserve a reward.

Right.

If I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow, like a tiara or one of those diagonal award belts...

- Sash.

- Sure.

Then why should I do good things?

You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this...

this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now.

You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away.

It was a relief.

Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a...

pickle party.

[SNORTS]

She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried.

See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.

I gotta go home.

What do I owe ya?

The real question, Eleanor, is what do we owe to each other?

What?

Did I sell you a drink?

- Am I a bartender?

- [CHUCKLES]

Drinks are on me.

Good luck.

Ow.

[REFLECTIVE MUSIC]

Anybody notice I was gone?

Nope.

That is the question Tim Scanlon asked

decades ago,

and it is a question I will try to answer

over the next three hours.

Ugh.

No thanks.

We all have a voice in our head.

That voice doesn't tell us what to do or not do,

but it does warn us when we do things that don't feel good

or right.

The difference between... the term "reasonable,"

what does it mean

to be a reasonable person?

I may have a different definition of reasonable...

...so why do it then?

Why choose to be good every day

if there is no guaranteed reward we can count on, now or in the afterlife?

I argue that we choose to be good

because of our bonds with other people

Simply put, we are not in this alone.

Hey, dong bait, didn't you get my message?

Let's go.

Time is booze.

Yeah, no thanks.

I'm...

going somewhere else.

[CALM MUSIC]

G'day.

Where you headed?

St.

John's University, please.

No worries.

- Hi.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Office hours are on Tuesday.

Oh, I...

I'm not a student.

Are you Chidi Ana...

kendrick?

Anagonye, and yes.

From the long, nerdy video about the little voice that tells you to be good?

From the Cassat Foundation lecture series on the practical applications of ethical theory.

- Yes.

- Great.

Hi.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

Can we talk?

Okay.

Here we go.