04x13 - Whenever You're Ready

[bunniefuu]

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

Attempt number 803 of my new project.

This is the one.

I can feel it.

I'm ready.

And here we go.

Riding on a groovy wave of love I'm going for a cosmic ride Surf the freaky purple vibes of love The marshmallow cat Is inside "The marshmallow cat is inside?" That's what I wrote?

That's meaningless.

- Janet.

- Hi, there.

How's the songwriting going?

I'm completely lost here, and I can't do the stupid E chord.

Would you like a magic guitar that plays all the notes for you?

It's the number one request among men over 50 who have gotten in here.

No, the whole point is to learn how to do stuff without using afterlife magic.

You know, maybe keep it on deck.

- I don't know, whatever.

- We should go, by the way.

We're gonna be late.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, where does the time go?

Surfing the freaky purple [HUMS]

So ultimately, this all goes back to a line from Professor May's book: "Mortality offers meaning to our lives, and morality helps navigate that meaning.

" Wait, what I think it says is that mortality offers meaning to the events of our lives.

Uh, check yourself, rando.

I think Chidi Anagonye, who literally designed the afterlife, knows what he's talking about.

Look, I'm pretty sure I'm right, since it's, like, my book.

Yes, Professor May, you're probably right about what you wrote.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

Still think he should check himself.

Okay, everyone, we'll see you all here next week.

Professor Hieronymi will be teaching the trolley problem.

Bring ponchos.

It gets messy.

You ready, Chidi?

[WHOOSHES]

[MIMICKING CAR AND expl*si*n SOUNDS]

Hello, Jeff.

I see the collection's grown.

Sure has.

I have 322 frog things now.

323!

I just got another one!

Ha!

Never not excited about frogs, that guy.

He knows what he likes.

This meeting of the Joint Council of Afterlife Affairs is called to order.

Let's make this quick, kids.

I just started rewatching "The Leftovers.

" Honestly, when I found out that Carrie co*n was never nominated, I almost erased 2% of humanity.

Michael, update?

Things are going fairly well.

A new crop of humans just passed their tests.

Among the notables who got in, Roberto Clemente, Zora Neale Hurston, - Saint Thomas Aquinas - Yes!

Eighth-century Sufi mystic poet Hazrat Bibi Rabia Basri, and Clara Peller.

She was the "Where's the beef?" lady.

- Oh.

- "Where's the beef?" lady got in.

So, that's fun.

Honestly, our biggest problem is that we need more architects and actors.

Well, sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft.

They think they can just start acting.

They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting, but pre-acting, well, that's just being.

Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis.

- Shawn, what you got?

- Well, I'll begin by saying that this new system stinks, and Michael stinks, and we should throw this all in the garbage and go back to the way it used to be when everyone was tortured.

There's still some bumps in the road, but this system is good, and it's working.

Come on, admit it.

I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, admit that.

I know, buddy.

I know.

[CHEERY MUSIC]

What time is it?

I don't know.

Really?

Yeah.

At one point, hundreds of Bearimies ago, I turned off my ability to know what time it is anywhere in the universe when you and I are together.

I like not knowing.

It's 10:42 a. m.

Sorry.

Saying out loud that I didn't know something made me feel weird.

Man, I feel weird when I do know something.

You and I are very different.

Okay, gotta go meet my dad.

I'm gonna try one more time.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

[SHUDDERS]

I'm freaking out, man.

You got this, dawg.

One more play, for all the marbles.

I love you, and I believe in you.

Thanks, Dad.

[INHALES]

Okay.

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]

- Here we go.

Bortles gonna throw.

Yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

You did it!

It took you more than 433,000 tries, but you just played the perfect game of Madden!

You did it!

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

I did it.

- Janet?

- Hi, there.

Hi, Janet.

I made dinner.

You always make it for me, so this time, I wanted to make it, and real talk, it didn't go great.

This is spaghetti.

Now, I know it looks weird, but I bit off a chunk, and actually, it's pretty bad.

Also, I put out the forks and knives the way kings and queens do it.

Close to the plates.

- Also - Uh-oh.

Oh, dip.

Yeah.

So I need to talk to everyone.

Should I ask them to come here?

No, I I had a better idea.

- [WHOOSHES]

- [CHUCKLING SOFTLY]

- Hello, you two.

- Hi.

What fun meeting back here.

Wow, you even restored it to the way it used to look.

What inspired this, J-Dog?

You get a hankering for frozen yogurt?

No.

I have an announcement to make.

I'm leaving.

Going through the door.

Wow.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I am.

It's time.

We thought the best move was to gather everyone together for a sort of farewell party.

We're gonna eat and drink, and there will be dancing.

Fun.

Whee!

Okay, homies, you're sad.

I can tell 'cause you have the same looks on your faces that my teachers did whenever I raised my hand in class.

But let's be happy.

I'm gonna DJ!

We'll play EDM all night.

- Come on.

- Come on.

- [GROANS]

- Oof.

Now I'm bummed about two things.

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

- Hey there, Doug.

- Hi.

- Having fun?

- I've had so much chicken!

It's probably good you chose your young body.

Yeah.

How are you doing?

I'm okay, Michael.

How are you?

Well, I'm sad, and I know you're the most advanced being in the universe, but I feel like I need to tell you, it's okay if you're sad too.

I know.

And I am a little, but also, I know this is the right time for him to leave.

I really am okay, I promise.

Will you come talk to me if you're not?

Always.

How y'all doing tonight?

[ALL CHEERING]

Okay, homies, we got a real special treat.

My old dance crew Dance Dance Resolution is here.

Y'all ready to tear it up one last time?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yes!

Yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[SIGHS]

That was special.

I'll never forget this night.

Until I walk through the door and dissolve into the universe.

Can I ask you something, buddy?

How did you know?

It wasn't like I heard a bell ring or anything.

I just suddenly had this calm feeling, like the air inside my lungs was the same as the air outside my body.

It was peaceful.

You know the feeling when you think a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot, but you bite into it anyway and it's actually the perfect temperature?

Believe it or not, I do know that feeling.

- That feeling rules.

- There you go!

Uh, can I get your advice on something?

I'm scared Janet's gonna forget me.

Her falling in love with someone else, I'm fine with that.

Like, if Jason Momoa or if Lara Croft Tomb Raider gets in, and Janet's like, "That's what's up," totally cool, but her forgetting me would be sad, so I made her this.

What do you guys think?

It's lovely.

But she's not gonna forget you, man.

I mean, she literally can't.

She remembers everything that ever happened.

Even if she could forget someone, I don't think she's gonna forget you.

Thanks.

When I had Jason, I was 18 years old.

In many ways, Jason raised me just as much as I raised him.

So, thanks for being a great dad, son.

I love you, Dad!

[ALL CHEERING]

Jason is the realest dude ever.

I mean, none of us are real anymore.

We're all just Caspers the Ghost and whatnot, which is funny 'cause me and Jason ain't even white.

Why are all ghosts white?

Aw, dip.

Are ghosts r*cist?

What I'm trying to say is, I love you, dawg, you're my hero, you're my best friend, and you're my Gardner Minshew.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[PEACEFUL MUSIC]

You can sit on that bench as long as you want.

Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

I love you, Janet.

I love you too, Jason.

I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

- Hmm.

- I made you something.

Aw, dip, I lost it.

- It's okay.

- No, it's not.

I made you this cool thing so you remember me even when you're married to Aquaman, and I lost it somewhere in this forest.

Some magical squirrel probably ate it.

Jason, it's okay.

I'm never gonna forget you.

In fact, to me, you won't even really be gone.

I don't experience time the same way you do.

I kind of live all times at once.

I know what you mean.

Once, I smoked salvia, and saw the past and the future at the same time.

Then I tried to brush my teeth with my cat.

To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Can you just remember the happy times and forget the bad stuff?

There was no bad stuff.

It was all good.

Wow.

These spindles are gorgeous.

And there's almost a feeling of musculature to this transition.

The oak just sort of told me the shape before I even got to the spoke shave.

This under-bevel is a great trick.

It really makes it feel lighter while leaving you plenty of beef to carve.

It's really just a modified Danish line.

Still, you made it your own.

This is as good a chair as I've seen.

I have nothing left to teach you.

[GASPS]

Hurrah!

Thank you!

Janet!

- Hi there.

- Call up the list please.

Congratulations.

Actually, I just finished repaving my driveway yesterday, so cross that one off too.

Before you start your next project, you should know, that thing that you asked me to tell you when it happened?

It happened.

I mean, they've gone through the system, so they'll be a little different, right?

One would hope.

[SIGHS]

I've never had lunch with Mum and Dad.

I've only ever stood silently behind their chairs while they ate lobster tail with Oscar de la Renta.

I'm right here.

We will get through this together.

Here we go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mother, Father, welcome to My darlings!

My darlings.

Oh!

Oh, my little girls.

We love you both so much.

So very much.

We have a million things to talk to you about, but first, we are sorry.

We'll just be endlessly sorry forever and ever.

Holy crap.

[WHISPERING]

I know, right?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[ALL CHEERING]

Ugh.

For the 1,000,000th time, they've sent us teddy bears and flowers.

You think they'd understand that we can get these things ourselves if we want.

[YELPS]

Ah, that's lovely.

Thanks.

You know, I never thought I would say this, but I'm getting a little bored of Mum and Dad telling us how much they love us.

Yes.

Isn't that something?

Well, this may not come as a surprise to any of you, but I'm ready to go.

Aw, nuts.

I knew it.

- You finished everything on your list?

- I did.

I learned how to install a bathtub, fly a helicopter, defuse a b*mb, deliver the perfect backhand slice.

My last goal was to spend one meaningful day with my parents, and now I've spent thousands of them.

I feel complete.

Would you like me to prepare a farewell party for you?

No need.

I've done it myself.

I've cooked all the food, mixed all the drinks, made all the furniture, repainted all the walls, and trained all the animals.

Champagne?

Uh, sure.

Thank you, panda.

Also, I've already said good-bye to everyone else in my life.

My sister, my parents, B and J.

They took it very hard.

Tonight, it's just us.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

I hate to tell you this, but your risotto was just a little sticky.

- Was it?

- No, damn it, it was amazing.

Just trying to figure out a way to get you to hang around for a few more Bearimies.

- [SIGHS]

- Can I tell you something?

You're my role model.

[SNORTS]

Come on.

- I'm serious.

- Babe, you were already the most impressive person I ever met, and now you can do literally everything.

If that's true, it's because you inspired me.

I admire you so very much.

Your strength, your toughness, your self-esteem, not to mention you have a rocking bod.

Did you just turn the tables on me?

I got nothing left to teach you.

- Janet.

- Hi there.

One more goal to add to the list please.

- - Now cross it off.

[LAUGHS]

I know we already said good-bye.

I'm not even here.

I just had to see you one last time, because I hooked up with Alexander the Great!

And it was more like Alexander the Fine.

Okay, anyway, I love you, I love you, good-bye forever.

- Bye, love!

- Bye!

I admire your breadth of knowledge.

I can only do one thing: be an architect.

I've spent the last 500 Bearimies trying to learn how to play the guitar, and I just mastered "Hey There Delilah.

" Don't sell yourself short, Michael.

I dare say you're the greatest architect in existence, and I should know.

ALL: Frank Gehry is my godfather.

Fair enough.

I deserved that.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Tahani, I'm gonna miss you, babe.

[LAUGHS]

Wait.

I don't want to leave.

Great!

Then stay.

New party, everyone.

- A staying party.

- Whoo!

No.

I-I also don't want to stay.

I'm done here, but I don't want to go there.

It's kind of your only options.

No, they aren't.

I want to learn to do what you do, Michael.

I want to be an architect.

Design afterlives.

[LAUGHS]

Tahani, you're a wonderful person, but you're a person.

It's impossible.

Nonsense!

I can learn.

Just like I learned all this other stuff.

I've spent most of my life pretending to help people.

If I were an architect, I could do it for real.

Let me at least try.

Don't make me talk to your manager.

- Oh!

- BOTH: Ooh!

- That's my girl!

- Oh.

Hey, Jeff.

Boy, kind of getting away from you here, huh?

Yeah.

I love frogs though, so it's awesome.

I did bring you one.

Oh, thanks, Tahani.

Just toss it on the pile.

Hang on, hang on.

So, you can never tell a woman to smile?

What if she'd legitimately be prettier if she smiled?

- - Aren't I helping her?

Glenn, Beadie, this is your new intern, Tahani.

Tahani!

This is so neat.

I haven't seen you since I was exploded into goo.

I didn't get any me on you, did I?

You did, but it's all goo under the bridge.

Anyway, I want to learn everything.

I shall start at the bottom and earn my way up.

To wit, would anyone like a cup of antimatter?

Sure, I take mine with nondairy neutrinos.

Coming right up.

[SIGHING]

Thank you, Michael, for everything.

You're welcome.

I brought you a little "first day on the job" present.

[CHUCKLES]

Once you're a big deal around here, I hope you don't mind if I brag about knowing you.

Name-dropping's a little gauche, Michael, but do as you must.

Hmm.

"Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task.

" Boom!

I did it!

It only took me 2,000 Bearimies, but I finally finished that book.

Ha-ha, sucker!

Reading you was an unending task, but I freaking did it!

- Congrats, babe.

- Thanks.

- What are you reading?

- "The Da Vinci Code.

" - Really?

- Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes of reading the most difficult writings in the world, I've acquired a new passion.

Garbage books.

Hey, do you think I would've been a good symbologist, if that were a real job?

Yes, I do.

Ya very cute.

- Come on.

We gotta go to dinner.

- Oh.

I cannot believe she learned to cook this well.

When I first met Tahani on Earth, she was trying to shove jewelry into a vending machine.

[LAUGHTER]

Okay, well, if she is an architect, then she should design my idea.

A karaoke room that's also a tanning bed.

Ooh, yes, and, like, the harder you commit to the song, like, the tanner you get?

I gotta say, I am so glad that going through the system did not totally change you two ding-dongs.

- [BOTH GIGGLING]

- Oh.

For dessert, we have to get the tiramisu.

Man.

Chidi Anagonye just casually making choices.

I never thought I'd live to see it.

I mean, I guess I didn't.

- Oh, that's right!

- [LAUGHTER]

'Cause we're all dead!

[ALL CHEERING]

That was so fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's always fun to see them.

Every time we do it, it's fun.

I had coffee with my mom the other day, and she says hi, but she also finally learned how to pronounce your mom's name.

Which is good.

Yeah, yeah, they were joking about that last time we saw them.

- Mm.

- Remember?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Shakespeare went through the door.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Everyone's talking about it.

- It's probably for the best.

His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth.

I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again?" Woof.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You mind if we go home?

I'm tired.

Sure.

- All right.

- Okay.

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

Um I'm gonna get ready for bed.

Cool.

I'm gonna take a little stroll.

- I'll see you in a bit.

- Okay.

Dude.

Oh, hey, perfect.

Are these good lyrics?

The psychedelic stardust and moonbeam banana No, stop, that's terrible, and we got a problem.

I think Chidi's gonna leave.

Really?

Did he say he was ready?

He didn't say exactly that, but he's getting close.

I can tell.

I need to do something to shake things up, you know?

Light a spark.

Oh!

Janet?

- Hi there.

- Hi.

I think Chidi's almost ready to walk through the door, and I need to keep him here, so, um, can you make me a bed shaped like a giant highlighter and, like, a sexy edible valedictorian robe?

No, I think this calls for something spiritual.

Ah, okay, but if I do this right, my man's gonna be talking to God.

You know what I mean?

Wait, what do you mean?

Forgive me, Eleanor, but if Chidi's ready to go, it's time for him to go.

Ah, he didn't say that yet though.

We're in classic Chidi grey area.

You need to remind him of what's great about this place.

Oh, oh.

Remember where he took us, like, the first month - when we were all together?

- Oh, great idea.

Yes.

- Janet, set the scene.

- Okay.

Would you like it restored to its original glory?

No.

The first time he went, he was in college.

Have it look and feel exactly like it was that day when he fell in love with it.

Also, pack me the edible robe.

That might seal the deal.

Okay.

You're all set.

Hey, guess what?

Surprise trip.

Come on.

Surprise trip?

Now?

Yeah.

Special fun trip, just us two.

Let's go.

Can I change out of my pajamas first?

Let the door do it!

Come on!

- Come on, come on, come on.

- Okay, okay, okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh.

Oh, man, Eleanor.

Right?

We haven't been here in so long.

Athens.

Man, this city, it takes my breath away every time.

Talk it out, bud.

Tell me everything you know about this place because, full disclosure, I didn't really listen the first time you told me.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I mean, that's the Acropolis.

Oh, and this is the Pnyx.

Thousands of Athenians would gather here and listen to people discuss their city and its laws from that stage right there.

This is literally where democracy started.

Well, that's fine and dandy, but as you may know, I'm kind of a philosophy gal.

Where were the big brains hanging out?

Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes, they all gathered right here in the agora.

It was like the Avengers, but for super thinkers.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on.

You brought me here.

You knew what was gonna happen.

No, I love that you're so happy.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Is it weird that when I picture ancient Greeks, I make them really hot?

Like, to me, Aristotle is basically John Stamos with a beard.

Honestly, that's kind of how I picture him too.

Good, same page.

What's this called again?

Koulouvi?

Koulouri, and I lived on these when I was here.

I like to picture young Chidi Anagonye here, reading, nerding out, treating himself to a koulouri, if he had an astute insight into Aristotelian virtue ethics.

Oh, that is accurate.

That is an accurate picture of 20-year-old me.

This was so special.

Thank you.

Should we head home?

Nope, because we're not done yet.

There's more special trip.

- Janet?

- Hi there.

You enjoying your trip, Chidi?

Yes, we are, but it's not over yet.

We are ready to head to destination number two.

- Remember?

- Yes, of course.

Head right this way.

Oh, man.

Oh, wow.

Paris.

Yes, Paris, obviously.

My favorite city.

And you even picked the ideal weather.

Overcast and chilly.

Perfect for staying inside and reading.

Is this what you were hinting to me?

I was thinking Six Flags, but this is way better.

I used to come to this café every day when I lived here.

I tried to sit in a different seat each time so I could eventually say that I definitely sat in the exact same place as Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, Richard Wright, Brecht, James Baldwin.

Well, we got all the time in the world now, baby.

Put that booty in a seat warmed by history.

Eleanor, I know what you're doing.

Being the best eternal girlfriend ever?

Guilty.

Let's take a walk.

So, Eleanor, here it is.

I love you, completely and utterly.

Oh, crap.

But I have to go.

But you don't though.

You don't have to go.

You don't have to leave me.

I don't want to leave you.

I'm just ready to leave.

I have the same feeling that the others described, a kind of quietude in my soul.

But you just had it.

What if those other dummies didn't wait long enough, and the feeling fades, and you get to spend another billion Bearimies in fake afterlife Europe with your kickass girlfriend?

I didn't just have it.

I've had it a long time.

Remember that day we were with our parents?

My mom kissed you good-bye, and got lipstick on your cheek, and your mom rubbed it off.

I don't know why that was it, but that was it.

And I didn't want to tell you because because.

No, man, this can't be because Jason's gone, Tahani's off doing her thing, and I'm not ready to go, so if you leave, then I'm alone here.

I was alone my whole life, and I told myself I like it that way, but I don't.

I like being with you.

[HEARTFELT MUSIC]

Okay, I won't go.

- Really?

- Yeah, I won't go.

There's there is still plenty to do.

I'll stay.

Who's ready for Six Flags?

Oh, we're good.

We got it.

He's gonna stay.

Turn into birds and fly to Notre Dame?

Stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower and throw water balloons onto imaginary tourists?

- [BOTH LAUGH]

- Whatever you want to do.

Okay, well, let's freshen up, have dinner at some schmancy restaurant, order a million-dollar bottle of wine, even though it tastes exactly like cheap, stupid wine, and sit in a room at the George V and watch "Real Housewives" of whatever city they're doing that in now.

Love it.

I'm gonna walk around my old neighborhood.

See where I used to live.

Meet you at the restaurant?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Let's see what's on the menu.

Literally anything you could possibly imagine.

Hmm.

What are you thinking?

"Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task.

" That's what I was thinking about.

That sentence.

You want to eat that sentence for dinner?

Can we eat words, 'cause I asked Janet about this and No, no, it's the last line of Scanlon's book.

- Remember?

- Ah.

The whole book is about how we should try to find rules other people can't reasonably reject, and then he ends it by saying, "The search for how to find those rules will go on forever.

" I proposed a rule that Chidis shouldn't be allowed to leave because it would make Eleanors sad, and I could do this forever, zip you around the universe showing you cool stuff, and I'd still never find the justification for getting you to stay.

Because it's a selfish rule.

I owe it to you to let you go.

[SORROWFUL MUSIC]

I was never good at being sad.

Partly because my mom straight up told me not to be.

But this is sad, man.

You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?

Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations.

For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East.

I'll take anything you got.

Hit me.

Picture a wave in the ocean.

You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is.

It's a wave.

And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone.

But the water is still there.

The wave was just a a different way for the water to be for a little while.

That's one conception of death for a Buddhist.

The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.

Not bad, Buddhists.

Not bad.

None of this is bad.

I need you to do me one last favor.

Mm-hmm?

Say good-bye to me now, and leave before I wake up.

You can sit on that bench as long as you'd like, and whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

I'm ready.

Oh, dip!

You're back.

- Jason?

- Yeah!

What but how why Funny story.

Remember how I made you something, and I thought I lost it because it wasn't in my pocket?

- Uh-huh?

- Turns out it was in my other pocket!

By the time I found it, you were gone.

I was just gonna leave it for you, but I was worried it would get eaten by that magic squirrel.

So, I decided to wait for you to come back.

Every so often, a different Janet came, but I knew it wasn't you.

Jason, it's been, like, a thousand Bearimies.

I know, but I wanted to see you again.

It was actually pretty easy to wait.

I sort of just sat quietly and let my mind drift away.

Thought about you, and the infinity of the universe.

Kind of like a monk.

What do you mean?

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Looks good, not-a-girl.

Chidi, wait up!

Hey-oh!

Time to go nuts, 'cause I brought donuts Huh, no one's here.

sh**t.

That was gonna be a big laugh.

Hey, sweetie.

Did you not get the message?

No.

Why, was the meeting cancelled?

Uh, yeah.

Forever.

We dissolved the council.

- What?

- We don't need it anymore.

Your system's working perfectly.

Millions of humans passing their tests, you know.

Oh, Vicky's really k*lling it on the training, so it's all good.

Well [STUTTERS]

All right, well hang on, now.

Look, how are we even sure that this is the right system?

I mean, honestly, I think Shawn was right.

This whole thing sucks and we should start from scratch.

Relax, worrywart.

Take a load off.

Huh?

Enjoy yourself.

You know what I just discovered recently?

Podcasts.

There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming.

- Hmm.

- Now scoot.

I got a new Radiolab to listen to about how clams learn.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Pretty excited.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[VCR CLICKING]

I love you.

And you don't need to respond, 'cause I know you have trouble saying how you feel.

I love you too.

Knock, knock, knock.

Oh.

Hey, what's up?

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, sure, why not?

- Hey, Derek?

- Yes, Mindy?

What can Derek do for you?

Eleanor and I are gonna talk for a bit, so go into your nether sphere.

That's Derek?

Mindy has rebooted Derek more than 151 million times.

Derek is now both a singular point in space, and yet, Derek also contains space itself.

The nexus of Derek is without dimension.

The moment of Derek's creation and the eventual heat death of the universe are now inexorably the same.

Ugh, you are so annoying!

[WHOOSHES]

Want a beer?

So that's how you spend your days?

Wandering around, searching for the thing that makes you complete?

Pretty much.

I thought it was connected to my parents or my friends, but now I think it might be something else.

I think it might be you.

I think my final mission might be to convince you to go through the system.

Take the test.

You know, when I first met you, I thought, "Oof, "well, there's a chick I understand.

Lone wolf, totally independent, knows what she wants.

" BOTH: Cocaine and self-pleasure.

Right.

But I actually think you're a version of me if I'd never met my friends.

You're like the worst-case scenario of what I could have become.

- No offense.

- None taken.

Look, the thing is, Eleanor, I am fine with where I am.

See, I don't think you are.

Or at least, you could be better.

If we're cut from the same cloth, then trust me.

There is greater happiness waiting for you if you form bonds with other people, and I think you know that.

You told me about me and Chidi that time.

You showed me the tape.

You said you were rooting for us.

I think you have the ability to care.

I don't know.

Caring just seems like - a lot of work.

- Mm.

And I have been on my own for so long.

I can't imagine putting my fate in the hands of some stranger.

I thought you might say that.

Hello, gorgeous.

Eleanor.

And Mindy St.

Claire, as I neither live nor breathe!

What brings you ladies here?

Trying to convince Mindy to enter the system after all this time.

She's a little worried about who might end up designing her test Say no more.

I'm on the case.

Really?

Are you, like, certified or whatever?

Well, not yet, but it won't be long, right, Shawn?

- [OMINOUS MUSIC]

- Oh, I think you'll find that Tahani will be certified very soon.

Did that sound evil?

I didn't mean it to.

I was sincere.

Force of habit.

I do think you'll find that Tahani will be certified ve hmm.

Shut up, Glenn.

Great.

So, you go back to your old life, chill with your floating Derek head, when Tahani gets certified, you enter the system, Tahani designs your test.

Deal?

Why not?

Something new.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks for giving a crap about me.

I don't really give a crap about myself, so it's nice that someone does.

I'm really glad I filmed you having sex.

Me too.

You can sit on that bench as long as you want.

Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

Well, good, 'cause I'm definitely ready.

I'm ready.

I'm not ready.

Damn it, Janet.

What the fork?

I should be ready and I'm not.

But I am.

Michael, what are you doing?

I'm going through the door.

There's nothing left for me to do.

I feel sated and complete.

I'm not sure you're thinking this through, dude.

Yes, I am.

A calm has washed over me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Good-bye.

Did I go through the wrong way?

Wait, wait, just one minute.

I know this is gonna look silly but it probably will work.

[GRUNTING]

Michael, what are you doing?

I am returning my damn essence to the damn fabric of the damn universe.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, there we go.

It's working now.

It's working.

I'm leaving.

Bye.

It's not working because you're looking.

- Stop looking.

- Michael, that door is not for you.

Why not?

I invented the damn thing!

You know, this stinks.

You guys get to move on, but I am trapped here forever?

How's that fair?

Oh, I got it.

Eleanor, come here.

You go through and give me a piggyback.

- We can trick it.

- Ooh, no.

Ow!

- Ow!

Ow!

Michael, no!

- Hold still well, hold Michael!

All right.

Come with me.

[SIGHS]

Fire squids are heavy.

- Yeah.

- Sorry.

New people are getting in all the time.

Tahani's still around.

Maybe you team up with her, design some afterlife neighborhoods?

I did that already, remember?

Spent 50 Bearimies making new neighborhoods for new residents.

When you've already designed the ultimate one, it's kind of a letdown.

I've loved being here, but Jason's gone.

Chidi's gone.

You know, even Doug Forcett went through the door.

That was probably for the best.

That guy partied so hard when he was here.

I guess I'll just stay here forever, you know?

Putter around doing mundane things like some sad old retiree.

Maybe I'll have Janet make me a hardware store so I can buy a hex wrench that I don't really need.

Cockamamie!

That's what I think of your plan.

I think it's cockamamie.

I think it's a great plan, and I bet deep down, you do too.

It sets a bad precedent.

Babe, no one else is ever gonna want to do this.

Plus, if they ask, you just say, "Sure, pal, "go save every soul in the universe, and then we got a deal.

" And think about it this way: If you do this, you'll never have to hear from any of us ever again.

Ooh.

Now that sounds tempting.

'Cause y'all are annoying.

I mean, you did save the universe and all, but your tone.

- It's your tone.

- I know.

[DOOR OPENS, WHOOSHES]

Michael?

Come on in.

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

All my Earth stuff.

Oh, my old bowling ball.

Oh, hi, paper clips.

What prompted all this?

You know, it took me a while to figure it out, but earlier, when you were walking back and forth through the door, it hit me.

You will never be at peace until you get the one thing you truly want.

I'm I'm gonna be A real boy, Pinocchio.

The Judge gave me the power to make you an actual human.

Good-bye, fire squid.

Hello, silver fox.

Oh, Eleanor!

Oh, my goodness!

Now, you need to be sure about this.

You're gonna live down there for, like some amount of time, you'll die, really die, then you'll enter an afterlife test, be judged on what you did, the whole deal.

At least so we think.

While you're down there, this entire system could be changed.

Shawn might launch a coup.

Someone could design a whole new system.

You won't really know what's going to happen to you.

That's what makes it special.

I won't exactly know what's going to happen after I die.

Nothing more human than that.

Besides texting people that you're five minutes away when you haven't even left the house.

Thank you, Eleanor.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Hey, Mike.

Where you headed today?

- Earth, actually.

- Oh.

Been a while.

Here's the return clicker.

No need.

One-way trip.

Wow.

Okay.

Good luck.

Thank you.

I have something for you.

Yeah?

- He's real!

- [LAUGHS]

It's real!

He's a real frog!

- Yes, it sure is.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

Thank you.

And you know what?

I got the perfect name for him.

Mr. Jumpy Legs.

Oh.

I thought you were gonna Never mind.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, Mr.

Jumpy Legs!

Okay.

So, here's your driver's license and your Social Security card.

I set up a bank account for you.

There's enough money in there so that you don't starve, but not so much that you become an entitled jerk.

Thank you, Janet.

Make a doctor's appointment as soon as you get down there.

And no salty food.

You have to keep your blood pressure down.

You have blood now.

I'll be fine.

I'll be okay.

I know.

I just worry.

[HEARTFELT MUSIC]

I'll see you again, you know.

I'll see you when I get back.

[VOICE BREAKING]

Okay.

If you rent a car, don't pay for the insurance.

It's a scam.

Okay.

[SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY]

Man, it's hot.

But it's a it's a dry heat.

So, as I mentioned before, you can sit on this bench as long as you want, and whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

Care to join me for a bit?

[RELAXED MUSIC]

Margarita?

Always.

- [LAUGHS]

- Mmm.

Okay, top three moments of your not-life with us.

Go.

You telling us that we should try to help other people on Earth, the moment that we all got into the Good Place for real, and then it's an 8-million-way tie of every time Jason and I kissed.

- He was a really good kisser.

- I bet he was.

I wonder how Michael's doing.

I assume he's doing the same as every human.

- ALL: Three, two, one - Some good days.

ALL: Happy New Year!

Some bad days.

She's gonna be okay.

This city has really good hospitals.

He's got a few friends.

Such a good boy, Jason.

Such a good boy.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

A few people he can't stand.

[GRUMBLES]

He's learning some things - all by himself.

- Oh, geez, ow!

[LAUGHS]

And hopefully learning to ask for help when he needs it.

Guitar like this.

Fingers this way.

[STRUMS A CHORD]

[LAUGHS]

You have no idea how long I've been trying to figure that out.

Well, everybody needs a teacher.

So do it again.

He's messing up, and trying again, and messing up again, and then getting things wrong, and then trying to make them right.

That's what everyone does.

- To Michael.

- To Michael.

What do you think happens when people walk through the door?

It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.

I don't know either.

The wave returns to the ocean.

What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess.

But as a very wise not-robot once told me, true joy is in the mystery.

Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?

Only if you say that thing I taught you.

I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence, - but I love to watch you leave.

- There we go.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[KEYS JINGLE]

Hey, this was delivered to my building by mistake.

- I think it's yours.

- Oh, hey.

- Thanks so much.

- Mm-hmm.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, wow.

I think I know what this is.

Oh.

Oh, my.

- - Oh, my.

Look at that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so very, very much.

Yeah, no problem.

Take it easy.

I'll do you one better.

I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe.

Take it sleazy.

[CHUCKLES]

All right.