01x09 - The Power of Positive Drinking

[bunniefuu]

Yeah! Touchdown!

Yes! Jets, baby!

Are we celebrating something?

Yes. Jets up by 14.

Look alive, Chale.

♪

[Thinking] Why did I come in here?

[Thinking] Why did I throw that?

[Thinking] He really shouldn't have thrown that.

[Thinking] Move your hands up, dude.

Why won't my hands move?

Maybe he'll surprise me.

Even seals catch balls, and they don't have arms.

Ooh, do I have an ice pack in the fridge?

No pressure. No pressure.

This will tell me everything I need to know about you.

Don't close your eyes. Don't close your eyes!

Come on, Chale. One time.

I got it!

Way to go, Chale!

I love you so much!

Wow! He caught it.

Ohh!

Ohh!

I'll get the ice pack.

That's a purple face tomorrow.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey, babe. How was work?

Ugh. Horrible.

I'm sorry.

Listen. You know how our grill is on its way out?

I've been looking online.

They have these, like, smoker/grill combos.

They're pricy, but, man, what a game changer.

Uh, honey, I just told you my day was horrible.

Yeah.

I just told you we could be making pulled pork in our own backyard.

All right. What happened?

Okay, well, first of all, I wake up this morning and one of my wisdom teeth is just throbbing.

I mean, it's got to come out, but Dr. Schneider can't even see me until Thursday.

Ohh.

And then I get an e-mail from my principal, and you know how I want to move up from nursing at the middle school to the high school?

No, but go on.

Well, I have seniority, but Gwen in my office, you know, the one who found out she's 1/10 French, and all of a sudden, she's got an accent and she's double-kissing people.

She went behind my back to try to get the job.

That's ridiculous.

I know!

This one's over 1,000 bucks, and it doesn't even have a rotisserie.

Honey...

I'm trying to tell you how horrible my day was, and you are looking at grills that we absolutely cannot afford?

I get it. We can pay to have your teeth taken out, but the minute I want to smoke some meat, we're broke.

Hey, you're going to work? I thought you had class.

Yeah, well, we're short a bartender, and Enzo needs me to pick up extra shifts, but my friend is taking notes, so it's all good, but I got to go, so I love you, guys, okay?

Love you.

Did you hear what Kendra just said?

I think we established listening isn't my strong suit.

She's missing class.

Okay, Enzo's was supposed to be a part-time job so that she could earn a little extra spending money.

We got to talk to her.

All right. We will tonight.

No. It's more important than that.

You know what? Can you please go down there right now?

I would, but my jaw, it just...

It hurts every time I move my mouth.

Don't you think that's a little message from God telling you to... telling you to...

Listen, sweetheart, I got to talk to you about something very important.

Okay. Dad, for the last time, I do not have the power to name a sandwich after you.

All I'm asking is that you drop a note in the suggestion box.

Okay, Dad, I got to get these pies out.

I'm not... I wanted to talk to you about something else anyway.

I got to go!

[Telephone rings]

Oh, wait. Guy! My beer. Seriously?

It's right there. Kevin, just hand that to him, please.

Ah.

Thanks.

Yeah, Enzo's.

Oh, yeah. I'm checking on it now.

Sorry. I didn't mean to snap like that.

I'm just having one of those days, you know?

I hear ya.

Big promotion at work, this buddy of mine's trying to steal it from under me, and he doesn't have any talent.

He's just got a big mouth.

Look, I don't know your situation, but, uh, I'm sure your boss will figure it out.

Just remember this... Smart is always quiet.

Idiots are always loud.

Hey! We need more ice!

See there?

Yeah, thanks. All right.

I needed that. There you go, buddy.

Oh, uh, I-I-I-I can't make change.

Keep it. It's yours.

Excuse me.

What do recommend... the meatball hero or the calzone?

I recommend you lose the "or" and slap an "and" on that.

Man: You know what?

We'll take two of each to go, and we'll have two beers while we wait.

I like it.

Enzo, these guys want a couple of beers.

♪

Hey, there he is. So, how'd it go?

Unbelievable.

Really?

Yeah. I got the job.

Wh... What? W-What job?

Bartender. Enzo's.

He needed someone, and I was there.

What's up? What's up?

Okay. Hold up.

Okay, so, I sent you down there to make sure Kendra wasn't working too much, and now you work there, too?

I'll make money for my smoker, right?

I'll check up on her. It's like eyes on the inside.

I guess... so.

And get this, my employee number 007.

No one took it. How awesome is that?

Nobody.

Yeah.

No, babe. I-I'll update our Facebook.

Already did.

I don't know.

I'm just starting to worry that Jeff has commitment issues.

Well, let's see.

He's got two cellphones, he comes home covered in glitter, and we both know it ain't from working in the craft store.

Well, what do I do?

Ding, ding. I think you got to call the bellhop.

Bellhop?

'Cause you ain't just got a boyfriend, you got extra baggage.

You know what? I think you're right.

Yeah.

Ugh. Give me the stiffest drink you got.

All right. Straight whiskey?

Yeah.

You know what? Throw some Coke in there, too.

Okay.

And a lot of ice.

Hey, you know what? Just give me a Sprite.

Somebody had a tough day, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, I've been trying to get that fire-safety gig at Citi Field.

I e-mailed my résumé, but I got the standard automated reply, so I guess that's done.

What if I told you I knew the guy who could get you that job?

Really? Who?

You.

That's weird, because I mentioned me in the e-mail and they still said no.

Kyle, you need to look at failure as the sprinkles that make the cupcakes of life so sweet.

You know, you're saying that so slow like it's important, but I'm still not understanding.

You go down there and you put a face with the name.

Oh. Well, why didn't you say that?

What's this thing with all the sprinkles and cupcakes?

I have my process.

[Sighs] Hey, babe.

Hi.

Sorry I'm so late. Enzo's was crazy tonight.

Well, you missed dinner.

Oh, yeah? What'd you make?

Vegetable stir-fry.

Hmm. Sorry. Checked out when I heard "vegetable."

Very funny. Hey, how is Kendra doing?

Well, she doesn't tip me out as well as the other waitresses, but... I'm gonna bring it up to her at the next staff meeting.

[Cellphone rings]

Yo, Timbo, you got Kev. What's up?

Uh, hey, babe, who is calling you after 11:00 at night?

Uh, hold on a second, Tim.

He's one of my regulars, all right?

He's up for a promotion, and one of his friends is trying to steal it from him.

Oh.

You do realize that's the exact same problem I told you I was having at work?

No. But if it is, I'd listen in, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge.

Tim, here's what you tell your boss...

Well, I dumped my boyfriend, like you said.

All right. And how's that make you feel?

Great!

But now all my friends are saying I should get back with him because, well, he can be really sweet.

Ooh. So is a grizzly bear when it's sleeping.

Dump them, too.

Hey, Tim!

I did what you said.

It worked like a charm. I got the promotion.

That's awesome.

Only thing is, they want to move me to a satellite office in Jersey.

You... You want to be in Jersey?

Well, no. I'd rather be at the office in the city, but, I mean, that'll be okay, right?

Wrong.

I got you this far. I'll get you the rest of the way.

You tell them it's a no-go on Jersey.

Really? I mean, it is a promotion.

Yeah. It's a promotion for your job, but a demotion for your heart.

Wow.

Yeah. I felt it, too.

All right. Come on, guys. Look alive.

You stood us up, man. Not cool.

I had to work, but, hey, I left you a motivational voicemail.

You only miss 100% of the sh*ts you don't take? What?

Yeah. Your brother missed 100% of the sh*ts he did take.

I'm a defensive specialist. You knew that going in.

Guys, guys, let's just... Let's get out of here.

He's tearing us apart. Come on.

Hey, uh, Kyle, wait up.

How's it going with the job down at Citi Field?

Well, I went down there, and they told me I needed to fill out a résumé online, so back where I started.

And you're okay with that?

What am I supposed to do?

I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

Tomorrow, the Operations Manager at Citi Field walks into his office, and who's sitting there?

His secretary?

No. You.

Because you don't let security or fences stop you.

Those are just obstacles.

One way or the other, you get in that office, and you let them know you are not leaving until you get what you came for, 'cause that's what a go-getter does.

See, normally, that would be a list of things that would get me arrested.

But the way you say it sounds like I'm gonna get the job.

Nice to meet you, Head of Fire Safety at Citi Field.

I just got chills.

♪

Wow. That smoker's awesome. I can't believe it.

How did you know to get the right one?

Uh, well, your screen saver used to be a picture of me and the kids, and then I noticed it changed to the Smoke Pro 4000.

So... bit of a gut punch, but message received.

All right. This round is bratwurst, sausage, and ribs.

Oh, and, by the way, the mystery spice from the last round was habanero.

That answer, again... habanero.

Mr. Gable, I'm afraid I'm starting to get the meat sweats.

Sara: Yeah, I can't eat anymore.

Never thought I'd say this, but I please go do my homework?

Yeah.

I need to lie down.

Okay, well, don't go sleep, or Mr. Gable might smoke and eat you.

You know what, hon? I got to get to work anyway, so...

What? You're going to Enzo's?

Honey, I thought you were done. You got the smoker.

Babe, that's kind of why I got you the smoker.

But that's not what it's about anymore.

Look. I don't need to make the money anymore, but it's...

You know, it's... I'm connecting with these people.

And I didn't realize this, but I have a gift.

Okay.

Honey, you missed Sara's lacrosse game, I feel like I've only seen you for 10 minutes this week, and do even remember that you have to pick me up at the dentist's tomorrow?

Yeah, of course, I do.

You're getting hung up on the three or four balls I'm dropping.

You got to focus on the 100 I got in the air.

Wow! That is awesome. I got to remember that for Phyllis.

So, ladies, don't bog down on the three or four balls you drop in life.

Instead, focus on the 100 you keep in the air and shine like diamonds in the night.

[Telephone rings]

Excuse me.

Enzo's.

[Muffled] Where are you? I need you to pick me up.

Hey. This is a business, all right, buddy?

I'm a cop, and I know how to trace a call.

But it's me!

It's me!

Get help, freak!

Look, I'm really sorry, all right?

It was crazy there! I didn't even feel my phone buzzing.

By the way, I got to say, without the back teeth, your cheek bones are popping.

I ain't hating the swollen lips, either.

It's like, "Is that Donna Gable, or is that Gisele?"

It's Donna Gable.

And don't try to be nice right now, okay?

The job has to end. I'm not joking.

Come on. I messed up, all right? But don't make me quit. Please.

Get another tooth pulled out tomorrow. I'll pick you up.

[Groans] Do you hear yourself right now?

It's like you're addicted to this job.

I'm not addicted. I can stop any time I wanted to.

Stop now.

I don't want to.

You have to.

Fine.

But not yet.

'Cause I don't want to.

[Echoing] 'Cause I don't want to.

Ah, there he is.

The place is packed. Everybody's waiting for you.

[Sighs] Actually, Enzo, I got some bad news.

I got to quit.

[Chuckles] No. Those people need you. I need you.

All right. One more time.

[Sighs]

Okay, Dad. Teleprompter's ready to go.

Here is your headset.

I am so blessed to have a father like you.

All right.

[Clears throat]

♪

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome fill-in bartender and full-time life changer, the inspirational speaker from Massapequa, Kevin Gable!

[Cheers and applause]

Wow!

Wow!

Wow. Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you all!

Thank you all!

[Music stops]

Just six days ago, a man came to me.

He was having trouble at work.

Today, that man is a millionaire.

Tim, stand on up.

Tim, get on up!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, that is what's possible when we all flip that switch in our heads.

We all have it. You have it.

You have it. You have it. You have it.

You, you, you, you, you.

I'm not sure about you.

[Laughs] I'm kidding. He's got it.

He's got it.

Now, I've asked you all to fill out your dream cards, and what I'm gonna do now is show you how we get those dreams from your head to the paper...

To the universe.

Oh! To the universe! Do you hear that?

That's Kendra. Give it up for her. Let her know.

All right. Now, follow me, because it's time to make those dreams a reality.

Let's go.

The man you're about to meet is a loser's loser.

He lives in a garage much like, say, a lawnmower or an old pair of skis.

Hello. I am Chale.

Now, according to his dream card, what's holding him back is fear.

Well, today, we'll make that fear disappear.

Step on the coals, Chale.

But they are on fire.

Look at me.

You can do it, son.

I can do it. [Laughs]

[Sizzling]

[Screams]

[Espresso machine hisses]

Hey, here is your last check.

Uh, I got a little gravy on it, but you can still make out the numbers.

Hey, Dad, I'm sorry this didn't work out.

Are you kidding me? It's my fault.

I got distracted.

Please don't that happen to you, all right?

Just focus on your studies, and if Mom asks, I told you that two weeks ago.

Okay.

All right.

Love you.

All right. Love you.

Okay.

Kevin, you were right.

I'm done looking out, and I'm ready to look in.

Can you talk?

Actually, you know, I don't... I don't even work here anymore.

Um... but I guess I could take a couple seconds and we could talk.

Yeah?

Yeah. All right.

So, you think I should try to reconnect with my biological father?

Beth, some people run away to hide.

Some run away to be found.

He moved to Bangkok.

I'm gonna say he's a hider.

[Cellphone rings]

Excuse me.

Okay.

Hello? Hey, where are you?

You were supposed to be home an hour ago.

I'm... I'm at Enzo's, but don't worry. I quit.

The job was just getting in the way of me connecting with the people that need me.

Oh, you are out of control.

Honey, relax. I figured it out, all right?

Look, I'm not a bartender.

I'm a life coach.

A life coach?

And don't worry. I can see clients at the house now.

By the way, do we have room in the backyard for hot coals?

Ooh, Phyllis is here. Oh, she's in tears. I got to go. Okay.

Phyllis, just grab a gin fizz. I'll meet you at the booth.

I want to hear everything.

What's going on?

First of all, everyone in this room loves you.

Okay.

But, honey, you have a problem, and this in an intervention.

Um, Kyle, would you like to start us off?

Absolutely.

[Exhales deeply]

Kevin, you're my brother, and I love you.

I followed your advice and broke into the office of the Director of Operations at Citi Field.

I did not get the job.

In fact, I was thrown out of the building.

Now, I am no longer allowed to purchase tickets to games.

They also have my picture up at all the entrances and exits.

Not cool, bro. Get help. I love you.

[Clears throat]

Guys.

[Grunts] Kevin, I don't even know who you are anymore, man.

You know, this new, helpful, positive attitude you have, it just... it makes me want to punch you.

If I get any more late night, crazy-ass, Confucius messages on my phone, I'm gonna have to block your number.

I have to admit, I kind of like the messages.

Thank you, Mott.

Come on, Mott.

It's the same stuff you get from a fortune cookie.

Not true. Each of those are tailor-made specifically for your needs.

Dad, that's not true.

You're pulling them from the Internet and testing them on me at work.

She's a liar.

Chale?

I have to be honest.

I just came in here to watch TV.

You guys just can't handle it, but I help people.

That's what I do.

Well, we thought you might say that.

Tim? Liz?

Oh, good. I'm glad you guys are here.

They can back me up. Tim, tell them.

You told me to tell my boss it was my way or the highway.

Now I'm living in my PT Cruiser just off the highway.

And you told me to dump my boyfriend and my friends.

Now I'm alone in my apartment with my cat.

You know what I'm hearing?

Someone who's lonely and someone who needs a place to stay.

Peanut butter, meet jelly.

Sweetheart, please accept this help.

If you don't, all of these people don't want to be around you anymore.

A frown when it's turned upside down...

No, no.

In life, you're gonna find a path less traveled you should...

Don't... Don't do it.

I'm gonna have to return the smoker.

Okay. I got a problem.

[Voice breaking] But I don't know what to do.

Wow, babe. That's like the 50th one in a row that you've caught.

Yes. I can catch a ball.

[Chuckles]

I just wanted to prove to you that I'm not some uncoordinated idiot.

[Chuckles]

You know, it might be my dad who makes you nervous.

It was a freak accident. The light got in my eyes.

[Scoffs] Okay. Baby, you know, it's okay.

He can intimidate people.

Darling, he does not intimidate me.

What's up, guys?

Aah!

[Body thuds]

Oh, no! Not again!

Mom, can you get the ice pack?

And a little club soda. We got a bleeder.