01x11 - Scissors

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, the weather outside is frightful ♪
♪ But the fire is so delightful ♪
♪ And since we've no place to go ♪
♪ Let it snow... ♪

Bozer: Look, we all know Christmas is the most special time of the year.

Families come together to celebrate their own traditions in their own special way.

And they're all wrong.

Because the only right way to celebrate Christmas is with pastrami.

Pastrami? On Christmas?

Is that even a thing?

Is it even a...

Does Rudolph have a red nose?

I guess I missed the part where Frosty fires up the smoker.

(chuckles) Snark all you want, Miss Grinch, but your heart is gonna grow three sizes once you experience the world's best pastrami.

Now, pay attention.

I'm about to drop some serious meat knowledge, which is... it's all about the rub.

I call it "seasonings tidings."

(chuckles)

What's up, Ms. Davis?

Something's messing with your Christmas mojo.

Seriously, though, what's going on?

I don't know.

Christmas is just tough, you know?

Everyone's walking around smiling, drinking peppermint lattes, pretending life is great.

You know, when I was a kid, I actually believed in miracles.

And then real life happened.

My dad bugged out.

Things got bad for my mom.

I was arrested and sent to prison, and now it's just...

Damn, Ebenezer, maybe, uh, pump the brakes on the "bah humbug" mobile.

I'm sorry, it's just... this time of year reminds me that life isn't that great.

Miracles don't happen, and December 25th is just another day.

Mom used to say a white Christmas meant the coming year would be better than the last.

I guess I'm still waiting on one of those.

Well, then consider the wait officially over.

I mean, look, you probably won't be seeing a white Christmas in sunny So. Cal., but I'm gonna make sure you have yourself a merry little Christmas.

You'll celebrate it right here with me, Mac and Jack, all right?

And we do Christmas right.

Does that mean I have to get you guys presents?

I mean, Mac's easy... Paper clips and duct tape.

But what do you get Jack? Another black T-shirt?

Don't worry, I'll help you find the perfect gift for everyone, including me... hashtag Xbox One.

Noted.

(chuckles)

All right, let me get this beautiful brisket going.

First step to a perfect Christmas: keep stirring the sauce.

Will you?

Yes.

Now, that's the spirit.

Appreciate it. I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Now, usually a brisket has to grill for hours and hours, but Mac worked his magic on our grill, so now it only takes 30 minutes, when it doesn't suddenly burst into flames.

Which it doesn't anymore.

Mostly.

(beeping, whirring)

(beeping)

(whirring louder)

(gasping)

(chuckles)

Whew!

(sizzling)

All right.

(smoke alarm beeping)

Riley.

Where'd you go? Hey, Riley. Riley.

(smoke alarm continues beeping)

Riley?

♪ ♪

Jack: Do what now?

...outside using your super-grill when I hear the smoke detector.

No.

No, she would never do something like that.

...my sauce is burning and Riley's gone.

Now, I know I'm new to this whole spy thing, but that's not normal behavior, right?

Jack: Are you sure?

She didn't say anything?

Nothing.

But we were talking about the holidays.

Kind of a touchy subject for our girl, so maybe she got upset and went home?

I don't know.

She has been in a weird place the past couple of weeks.

Quiet, withdrawn, distracted.

Yeah.

I sent agents to Riley's place.

It's been tossed.

What?

Yeah, her hard drives have been drilled and destroyed.

She left her phone, which isn't a good sign.

They ran trace on it and found an encrypted text from a blocked number.

They opened it, and a virus shut down the phone completely.

Something on that text made her run.

Yeah.

Thornton needs us... now.

We don't have much time.

Oh, frosted glass.

It's about to get real in here, Boze.

Seven hours ago, this was posted online.

Jack: This is a copy of an executive order giving the NSA the go-ahead to att*ck China with a cyber w*apon.

China responded by sending their entire submarine fleet into att*ck position in the Pacific.

Are you kidding me?

This imagery is live.

Means these subs will be within att*ck range of our west coast within 24 hours.

China's message is clear.

We hit them with a cyber w*apon, they'll hit us back with a conventional one.

MacGyver: And we haven't called off the cyber att*ck because...?

We can't. This att*ck was unauthorized.

This executive order is a fake.

Have we tried telling China that?

Yes, but they don't believe us.

But we're not really gonna att*ck them, so they're just racking up a lot of frequent mariner miles?

I wish it was that simple. A few hours before the fake att*ck order was leaked, someone hacked the NSA and downloaded 200 gigs of data.

We don't even know what exactly was taken.

But you think someone stole a cyber w*apon and is now using it to start a w*r?

Jack: Any idea who was behind the hack?

Unfortunately, I do.

What?

No. Riley? No.

You can't possibly think she's behind this.

Come on, Patti. Riley's one of us now.

Last I checked, none of us spent time in prison for hacking.

But I'm telling you I have known her for a long time.

She would never do something like this.

I don't want to believe this either, but Riley's disappearance on the same day that the NSA gets hacked... that's suspicious.

MacGyver: Well, I'll admit the timing is suspicious, but if that's all you have to go on, then...

It's not. There's more.

Riley was sent to supermax for trying to hack the NSA.

And does the NSA consider her a suspect?

They called an hour ago asking for her whereabouts.

I told them she was off the grid on a deep-cover op.

But there's only so long I can keep them at bay.

It won't be long until every agency in the country is hunting her down.

That's why we have to find her first.

And when we do, we're gonna clear her name.

If she didn't do it.

She didn't do it.

But if she did, then the only people I trust to bring her in alive are in this room.

Find Riley, figure out what was stolen from the NSA, and get it back before this turns into World w*r Three.

You got it.

Jack...

No, no, no. Stop.

I can tell by that look in your eye, I know what you're thinking, but Riley isn't Nikki.

Okay, she would never do something like this.

Yeah, exactly what I said about Nikki, remember?

(grumbles)

What if it's all true?

If Riley's been planning this the whole time?

Planning on us springing her from federal prison?

Risking her life, dragging her halfway around the world?

All the while biding her time to hack into the NSA a second time, starting World w*r Three.

Come on, man, she's smart, but she ain't Nosferatu.

The German vampire?

No, the guy who predicts stuff.

I think you mean Nostradamus.

Bozer: Guys!

Whatever.

You know who I'm talking about.

Guys, wait up.

Wait up. I'm coming with you.

Jack: Absolutely not, Bozer.

This is dangerous stuff here, man.

Riley's in trouble. I want to help.

We don't have time to debate this.

I'm sorry, but you're staying. You hear me?

Fine.

I won't come as a field agent.

I'll come as your informant. I mean, unless you know someone else who knows how to find Riley.

Riley destroyed her laptop and went off the grid.

So if she did hack the...

(clears throat)

...you-know-who agency, she'd need a new rig, right?

You saying you know where she might have gotten one?

Yes.

Where?

Back when I was doing CG on my movie, she hooked me up with this dude.

Said he was the only guy she trust to build custom high-performance hardware.

Mm-hmm.

And this dude... You know where to find him?

I take that smile as a yes.

And you're not gonna tell us unless we bring you with us.

All right, fine.

Do you know martial arts?

No.

Ever use a g*n?

No, but I have in my movies.

(rock music blaring inside, Jack groans)

They can't hear you.

Yeah, I know.

I can't stand this migraine-inducing, lazy-ass robo-rock.

I mean, is it too much to ask for some lyrics? Huh?

It takes three dudes to deliver a pizza?

Looking for Jaden.

And some aspirin, but Jaden first.

Who are you guys?

Bozer: We're in the market for some new hardware.

Jaden knows me. It's cool.

Jack: We got a Geek Squad problem, and they're busy.

So we came to you, Cheech.

Wait, you-you think we're tech support?

Yeah.

What up? Jaden! How you doing, man?

We have some questions, so unless you like sucking your food through a straw, you're gonna have some answers.

I'd do what he says.

(chuckles) Hey, I remember you.

The Michael Bay wannabe who didn't know the difference between a CPU and a GPU.

Really not something people are embarrassed about, bro.

And what are you two, wannabe cops?

No, I "wanna be" punching people. That's my thing.

Well, lay a hand on me, Kewpie Doll, and I'll sue.

"Kewpie Doll"?

Well, I mean, your hair is kind of...

What's wrong with my hair?

MacGyver: Look, we're just trying to find Riley.

Do you know where she is?

Riley? No.

And even if I had seen her, I'd never rat out my girl.

You dated Riley? Please!

You look like you haven't bathed since there was only three Indiana Jones movies.

Jaden: What can I say? Riley likes bad boys who know their way around a motherboard.

Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

Jack: Relax.

Relax. Relax.

I'm sorry, man, But if you tell us what you know, I won't have to use this transformer to send 2,000 volts into the rest of your gear.

Please.

Okay.

Okay.

Riley came to me a few weeks ago.

She wanted a new rig with a custom hard drive.

Where is she?

I don't know, but I could find out.

She had me build a tracker into the laptop.

Turn it on. Find out where she is.

Why would Riley put a tracking device in her computer unless she wanted us to find her?

Or lead us into a trap.

Bozer: A trap?

Whatever, man. I'm sure Riley will be able to explain everything when we catch up to her in...

(computer trilling)

Canada?

There. That's all I know, I swear.

Now please stop zapping my stuff.

Bozer: Okay.

Riley tracker pings every five minutes, and the last four pings showed her heading this way.

Means all we can do is wait, keep an eye out, hope that when we do find her, she's got a damn good explanation.

Mm-hmm.

You all right, man? You look tense.

I'm not tense. You're tense.

Bozer: Got to side with Mac on this one.

You're the very definition of tense.

If she was in trouble, why wouldn't she come to us for help?

Bozer: Because, Jack, I mean, trust is hard for Riley.

But once she gets...

Respectfully, Bozer, you've known the real Riley about a week.

Okay, I've known her since she was 12.

Riley and I met because I was dating her mom.

As weird as that sounds, it was going pretty good.

Till that drunk of a dad started to come back around.

Now, he come by one night all wasted and pissed off and throw his ex around for old time's sake, so...

I threw him around for old time's sake.

Bozer: Damn, Jack.

For years, I tried to gain that kid's trust.

I bent over backwards to connect with her.

And all I ever wanted was... to be that person she could come to if she had a problem.

You know?

And no matter how hard I pushed, she wasn't having it.

After a while, it put a real strain on her mother and I.

Is that why you two broke up?

Yeah.

After a while, I just figured best thing I could do for both of them was get lost.

In a hurry.

I understand if she doesn't like the guy dating her mom for its own sake, but... this is different.

This job, trust is everything.

If I can't trust her and she can't trust me, we can't work together. Even if we managed to keep her out of prison...

Bozer: Guys. Guys!

Riley. Look.

(screams)

(tires screeching)

Riley: It's okay.

I'm here.

It's okay.

Diane?

Hey.

MacGyver: You know her?

Yeah.

Of course I do. This is Riley's mom.

This is your mom?

Yeah.

(sobbing)

That's why you hacked the NSA.

They were gonna k*ll her.

I didn't have a choice.

It's all right. We're here now.

(whining)

Mac.

Take a look at this.

Riley: Oh, my God.

Mom!

Come here, Mac.

Mom!

Take a look at this.

Mom! Mom!

(crying)

Stay with me.

It's okay.

(gasping)

Mac?

I'm trying.

(mechanical clicking)

(wire creaking)

It's not working. I...

I need some leverage to cut through the wire.

Bozer, come with me!

Jack: Diane, listen to me. You keep breathing.

You hear me?

(Diane groaning)

Keep breathing!

Stay with me!

Hurry, now!

Mom, it's okay. It's okay.

(yells) I'm sorry, Mom, I'm trying.

Jack: Come on, Mac!

Okay!

Riley: Mom, stay with me!

Jack: Mac, we're gonna lose her!

Riley: Mac, hurry up!

(Diane coughing)

Jack: Come on, Mac!

All right, everybody, hold still.

(wire creaking)

(Diane gasps, pants)

(coughing)

(groaning)

I got you.

(panting)

(urgent chatter)

Diane (over video): "You have defied us before.

You will not defy us again.

You will break into NSA's Tailored Access Operations Group, and obtain the source code for the following programs."

You did this all to save your mother.

About three years ago, I was contacted by this group known as The Collective.

They traffic in stolen data.

I know who they are.

They have quite the reputation for state-sponsored hacking.

The kind of people that would stand to gain if two superpowers were at w*r.

And I made good money with them for a while.

Jobs are questionable, but I was always able to sleep at night.

Then they told me to hack the NSA.

I said no.

They said they'd k*ll my mom.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I hacked the NSA... badly.

Made sure I got myself caught before I completed the hack.

You wanted to go to jail.

'Cause you couldn't hack anything from supermax.

And it worked.

The Collective backed off, let my mom go.

I set her up with a new identity off the grid in Vancouver.

She was safe.

And I thought The Collective was just a bad memory.

Until two weeks ago.

I got an encrypted message with that video.

Diane: "This time, if you get caught, we'll k*ll your mother anyway."

Riley: I did what I had to do.

Look, I know you guys thought I was pulling a Nikki. I wasn't.

No, you weren't, but unfortunately, "I did it for mommy" is not a defense for treason, Riley.

I need to know what you stole from the NSA.

Cyber w*apon called Cannibal.

It allows the user to take control of modern cars and drive them remotely.

Wait, if that's all that was stolen from the NSA, then let's just call China and tell them to call off their subs.

Bozer's right. The Chinese must be expecting their nuclear plants to start melting down.

Worst case scenario, they're gonna have an increase in fender benders and weekend traffic.

Well, actually, it's worse than that, Jack.

With Cannibal, the user could alter the code to take control of any number of other systems.

Thornton: So really you have no idea what The Collective plans to do with it.

And any deployment could quickly turn into the Chinese subs f*ring their missiles at the West Coast.

Actually, while I was working with them, I managed to hack one of their servers. I don't know what they're planning, but something's going down in a building in Shanghai.

16 hours from now.

Okay. That's where you're headed.

Stop them from getting into the building.

Bozer: Copy that.

Not you, Bozer.

We're off to save the...

You should have never been in the field in the first place.

You're gonna return to the Phoenix with Riley and her mother. Is that clear?

Riley: Copy. We're on the next plane.

(beep)

I'm going with you guys.

I made this mess, I'm gonna help you fix it.

Hey. Get Diane back to the Phoenix safely.

Hold up. What am I supposed to say to the big bad boss lady when she asks why Riley's not with us?

Improvise.

Improvise.

Riley.

Are you sure you want to go?

Is this going to be dangerous?

Of course it is.

Not what any mother wants to hear, but I can't do anything about it, can I?

So, when you get back, you are going to start from the beginning and tell me everything I clearly missed.

I can't. Top secret. Remember?

Love you, baby.

I love you, too, Mom.

(sighs)

So, when you told me you were a bathroom tile salesman, you were...

Yeah, I was... I was lying.

You're a liar.

(chuckles softly)

(sighs)

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

Hmm.

Look, it's a long story, Diane, but I work for a secret U.S. government organization.

And, uh, well, I guess it's not that long of a story, huh?

How does Riley fit in to this?

We recruited her, got her out of prison.

Hmm.

I guess I should thank you for that.

And for saving my life.

But it seems that you've dragged Riley into a very dangerous line of work.

Builds character.

Do you remember the first time I let you watch Riley for me?

Remember what I said?

Yeah, you said if I ever let anything happen to her, that, uh... you would end me.

You watch out for my little girl, or I'll make good on that promise, Jack.

♪ ♪

MacGyver: Well, whatever's inside that building, it's got a lot of security.

Riley, you got eyes inside yet?

No, I don't.

Unless I miss my guess, this place is one giant Faraday cage.

Specialized shielding means no signals get in or out.

Jack: So, what do we think's in there?

MacGyver: Whatever it is, we have less than an hour to figure out a way to stop The Collective from using Cannibal, taking it through those doors and deploying it.

Well, if I can't get eyes inside, how about eyes outside?

A nice close-up on the front door should help us keep an eye out for The Collective.

Sorry, man. Thanks.

(whistles)

(beeping)

You know, at some point, we need to talk about why you didn't ask for any help earlier.

We're a team, you know.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was the whole "we'll k*ll your mom if you tell anyone" thing.

But good talk. Thanks.

Come on, Riley, I'm serious.

I'm serious, too, Jack.

Maybe you never really cared about her, but I do.

What do you mean I didn't... Riley, what did I ever do to you, huh, to make you just assume the worst about me all the time?

MacGyver: Hey, guys, how about we hold off on the family stuff till after we stop the cyber w*apon's deployment?

Guys, we got a problem.

Yeah, we got a big problem. Problem is you running around here...

Riley: Jack, a real problem.

Cannibal's already in the building.

This is from ten minutes ago.

Guy dressed up as a guard marched my laptop right past security.

So we got to get in there right now.

Riley: How? This place is a fortress.

Metal detectors, reinforced doors, a ton of guards... If we get caught trying to sneak in, they'll throw us in a holding room and call the cops.

Riley, that's a great idea. I'll be back in five.

MacGyver: There are certain sounds that are recognizable everywhere you go. One of the most recognizable isn't that hard to make. All you need is one tube spinning inside of another with some holes to chop up the air, and you got yourself an air raid siren that puts everyone on high alert.

Uh...

One.

Thanks.

We're tourists from Cleveland.

Hi.

So, me, my fiancé and his dad are here on vacation, and we're looking for Shanghai Tower.

Is this it?

No.

Really? I... could've sworn it was.

Yeah, that's not what the map thingy on my phone says.

Maybe I should go upstairs and check.

Hey!

(whirring)

(air raid siren blaring)

(officer shouting in Chinese)

(siren continues blaring)

(shouts)

Officer: This building is now on lockdown.

You will have to come with me.

Hey, you can't just take me wherever you want, okay?

I'm an American citizen.

I have rights. I demand to speak to whoever's in charge immediately.

This is officially the worst vacation ever!

Jack: Well, maybe next time you'll come to me when you need help planning a trip, you little baby.

Don't tell me what to do.

I hate when you tell me what to do.

Little baby.

Riley: A baby?!

Wah, wah, wah.

Really?

What do you guys call them?

Pacifiers, binkies?

Oh, so you need...

Jack: Like a dobby? Dobby...

Officer: You will be free to go when we figure out what is going on.

For now...

(beep)

...you will be comfortable here.

Yeah, I bet.

(quietly): Hey, we need a distraction now.

(groans)

Riley: I told you, we should've asked for directions at Nanjing Road.

What?

This is all your fault!

(groans)

Nothing is my fault here, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?!

Yeah.

Hey, you're not my dad!

Whoa. Uh, dad?

Your dad?

Yeah, you're not my dad!

(quietly): Hey, are we playing or is this real?

I don't... (mumbles)

Ma'am.

We will have you out of here as soon as we can.

Just stay calm.

Yeah, stay calm.

Dang, don't hold anything back there, Riley.

Good news is we have a way out now.

Well, I'm guessing there's bad news, other than me being slapped around in here.

Yeah.

I know what building we're in.

You guys notice the computer technicians, rooms full of high-end servers, the Chinese special forces?

All adds up to one thing.

This is Chinese central command.

(chuckles)

No, wait a minute, you're trying to tell me that we just wandered into the heartbeat of the Chinese m*llitary here?

Really?

Wait, Riley... can Cannibal be used to hack any other kind of vehicle?

Riley: Like I said, they'd have to tweak the code, but... with some simple changes, Cannibal can be used to control any number of...

Submarines?

That was The Collective's plan the whole time.

To thr*aten the Chinese to get them to move their submarines within range of the West Coast, then remotely take control of those submarines and att*ck the United States?

Riley: Oh, God.

World w*r Three starts the minute my laptop's plugged in.

We got to go stop that from happening.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(beep)

♪ ♪

(elevator bell dings)

(whispers): What the hell are you doing?

Naval operation servers are where they'd go to deploy Cannibal.

It'll be on a restricted level.

Whatever doesn't light up is it.

Looks like it's on the 30th floor.

(buzzing)

As usual, you might want to hurry up there, bud.

I don't think this is gonna work.

(sighs) It won't.

We're gonna need an RFID from one of those techs we've been hiding from.

Well, don't worry. I got this.

I'll just gently grab the next one that walks by and kindly persuade him to step on the elevator.

And then what?

I don't know.

We can't risk taking a hostage or leaving an unconscious tech behind, Jack.

She's right.

I got a better idea.

(beep)

Jack, you're lookout.

Riley, you're with me.

(computer trilling)

This is important. Hold on to that for me, please.

So... things between you and Jack are weird.

It's just been a long day.

Come on. Things have been tense between you two ever since we broke you out of that supermax.

So we both know it goes back way longer than that.

(sighs)

It's nothing, okay?

It's nothing.

MacGyver: It's not exactly nothing to Jack.

He thinks you hate him.

(sighs)

Of course I don't hate him.

I mean, yeah, there's that annoying swag he has and his long-winded stories and that accent.

And what grown man wears a leather wrist cuff?

This is you trying to tell me you don't hate him?

(sighs)

I don't.

Seriously, I don't. It's just...

Just been kind of sick of him the last 14 years.

Yeah, look, I know Jack says a lot of stuff...

Yeah. A lot of things I wish I could un-hear.

But every now and again, some actual wisdom pops out.

(chuckles) Hard to believe.

One thing he says that's actually true:

"Trust is everything.

We can't work together if we don't trust each other."

Wait, so he's been telling you he doesn't think he can work with me?

No, he never said that.

He... What I meant was...

(sighs) Look.

What I'm trying to say is whatever's going on between you two, we just need to... work through it.

Together.

Look, I-I appreciate what you're trying to do.

I do.

But some things you just can't fix with duct tape and paper clips.

So, we done here? Can we go?

Uh...

Yeah.

Took you long enough.

That a teleportation device?

No.

And, by the way, that headline you saw was about quantum teleportation.

Only works on individual atoms.

The elevator only moves if the RFID fob is near the reader.

This is a range extender, it'll boost the signal of any fob nearby.

Okay, so we don't need to get someone with the key fob onto the elevator, just near it.

Exactly.

How close do we need to be?

Uh, 20 feet.

Okay. You two get on the elevator and be ready.

I got this.

Excuse me.

Do you speak English?

Very... little.

(sighs)

That's perfect.

Don't worry. I'm only doing it to prevent a w*r.

So if you could just take a few steps closer to the elevator so that my friends... who, if you saw them, would make you totally freak out and sound the alarms...

Could steal the signal off that fob clipped to your pocket and...

(beep)

You just helped save the world.

(chuckles) Okay, thanks.

Bye!

I give him 15 minutes, tops, before he sends someone to look for me.

Nice work.

Just not nice enough for you to want to keep working with me, huh?

No, Jack, I get it.

Makes perfect sense.

Even after everything we've been through, you still don't trust me enough to want me around.

I don't trust you?

Riley, we wouldn't be in this mess if you'd have trusted me enough to ask for help when you needed it.

MacGyver: Guys, I know I probably started this, but maybe now's not...

No. No, no, no.

Actually, this is a great time, man.

We've been sitting on this long enough.

Let's get it out in the open.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the one that said, "It's all Jack's fault"?

Hmm?

Oh, don't be shy now.

Come on. You've been wanting to get into it with me for a while.

You're the one who solves problems with v*olence, remember?

Is this about your dad, hmm?

Look, I'm sorry I had to kick his ass, all right?

But you don't know the whole story behind that.

You really don't think I know the whole story?

I don't think you know the whole story.

Do you really think I'm that stupid?

That I couldn't hear my dad screaming and breaking things?

That I didn't know he was hurting my mom?

Um...

I'm not mad because you b*at up my dad.

I'm mad because you basically were my dad...

Closest thing I ever had...

And then you just left.

(elevator bell dings)

(shouts in Chinese)

(Jack grunting)

(grunting continues)

Wait. Riley, right over here.

Cannibal's still running.

I think I can stop it.

Can you stop the missiles?

All of 'em.

(sighs): Huh.

(computer beeping)

Except one.

(phone rings)

MacGyver: So I have some bad news.

Is it about the Chinese m*ssile carrying four independent warheads toward the West Coast at Mach 25?

If it isn't, I'm busy.

How long until impact?

Ten minutes if we're lucky.

Can you hack it, bring it down in the ocean?

I'm trying, but I can't even talk to it.

Missiles like this are designed to be unstoppable.

After launch, the only signals it'll even listen to are pings from GPS satellites.

Oh, God.

All those people, and all because of me.

It's not because of you, Riley.

All right? We're gonna fix this together.

Besides, Mac already has a plan.

Don't you, Mac?

Actually, yeah, I think I do.

Really? You just figured out how to stop a m*ssile halfway around the world from hitting California?

Yeah.

How?

We just got to move the Earth.

This. This metal mesh.

What are you doing?

That's what we're looking for. That's what's blocking the wireless signals from coming in and out of the building.

Oh.

But we're gonna use it to send one, so I need you to cut a piece of it out of the wall, and then bend it.

I need you to hack the Chinese GPS network. We need to find out which satellites are guiding that m*ssile towards the U.S.

All right. Now that I can do.

♪ ♪

Jack: What, uh...?

What are we making here?

(sighs) Well, GPS chips, just like the one in your phone, calculate your location using signals from satellite dishes.

Four or more.

Now, those satellites dishes are 12,500 miles away in orbit.

That m*ssile's only 3,000 miles away, so, if we can build a...

...stronger, closer satellite dish... we might be able to aim it at that m*ssile and trick its GPS into thinking that California isn't where it thought it was, and...

Move the Earth.

Riley, which way is west?

Uh...

Perfect. Jack, the window.

That I understand.

Once you access the GPS satellites, find the one furthest away and mimic its signal.

(phone ringing)

Yeah.

The Pentagon's 60 seconds from launching a counterstrike, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so if you're gonna do something, now is the time.

All right, this should do it, but the dish isn't transmitting.

Oh, we need power.

(groans)

I need something to hold it, like a binder clip or a stapler.

Or a Jack Dalton.

(electricity crackling)

Whoa!

Riley: Hang on!

We're transmitting.

(beeping steadily)

Whatever you're doing, don't stop.

Detonation in five, four, three...

(beeping)

Detonation!

(people cheering)

We have detonation.

The m*ssile's been destroyed.

We did it!

(groaning)

You all right?

(panting): Yeah.

(laughter)

I'll be damned.

Did we just pull off a genuine Christmas miracle?

(door bangs open)

Man: Stop! Stop!

(shouting in Chinese)

(indistinct radio chatter)

I don't suppose either one of you has another miracle up your sleeve?

(speaks Chinese)

(choir singing "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" in Chinese)

♪ ♪

Hey!

When I heard y'all were stuck in a Chinese prison, I called Santa, pulled some strings with the elves, and got Christmas Eve rescheduled for tonight, so, I'm breaking out the eggnog 'cause we got some celebrating to do, people!

All right.

Yay!

(excited chatter)

Hi. Good to see you. Merry Christmas.

Diane: Miss you.

Bozer: And some of that.

MacGyver: Merry Christmas.

I miss you.

Yeah, get some of that.

Ah.

Took some serious wrangling of the Chinese government, but I got you something.

Well, you and the NSA.

(laughs) Now I feel bad, 'cause all I got you was a box of paper clips.

Oh.

And two dozen arrests.

As of this morning, all the members of The Collective have been tracked down and taken into custody.

The organization has been neutralized.

Oh, that's a hell of a stocking stuffer.

Yeah, yeah, that's all great and all, but you want to hear the really good news?

My world famous pastrami's ready.

Follow me.

It's actually good.

(chuckles)

I don't see any mistletoe.

I see my daughter.

That's enough.

I love that little girl.

I always have. You know that.

How did we go wrong?

Well, for starters, I lied to you the whole time about what I do for a living. That ain't good.

(both laugh)

Yes, there's that.

And just so you know, I left for her sake.

I didn't want to screw her up. You know how I can get.

No.

Well, at least that's what I told myself, but now I think I realize that I can see how much I was starting to mean to her, and freaked me out a little bit.

Didn't think I was man enough for the job, you know?

And I've never thought I was a good enough man for a woman like you, Diane.

If Riley chose you, you were more than good enough.

For both of us.

(chuckles) Thanks.

(whispers): Maybe it's not too late.

(whispers): Yeah, maybe.

And that's all yours.

See? I tell you we do Christmas right around here.

(laughs)

Thank you.

Ah.

Your present.

You earned it.

"129." What...?

These are your last three digits?

Mm-hmm.

This is the rest of your number?

Text me anytime.

Well, maybe not when I'm sleeping, but let's try to keep it during business hours, okay?

Girl, you're gonna be getting so many cat memes.

Bozer, do not make me regret this.

(laughs) I'm gonna go get my phone.

I'm gonna text you.

(groans): Ah.

Hey.

You just made his Christmas.

Yeah.

Look.

(clears throat)

I guess this goes without saying, but...

You're glad I'm not another psycho hacker hell-bent on ending the world?

Yeah. That.

Mm.

(sighs) But, Riley, I will admit, I had my doubts.

He never did, though.

He never thought you turned.

Not even for an instant.

(footsteps approaching)

Hey.

Is that your present from Mac?

Yeah. Yeah, don't tell him, but... I peeked.

What is it?

It's a... a Snuggie.

Oh.

(laughs) Yeah.

But it's a Dallas Cowboys Snuggie, so, you know, um, I'll probably wear it.

Nice. (chuckles)

Yeah.

I guess we should probably talk about everything, huh?

No. We're good.

Ah.

This is the best gift I could get right here.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. What is this?

♪ ♪

(laughing)

Whoa. Whoa.

What?

Bozer said you never had a white Christmas, so I decided I had to fix that.

Thanks, Mac. (laughs)

Both: Merry Christmas.

Jack: Nice work, buddy.

You like it?

Nice work.

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪
♪ Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping ♪
♪ And I brought me some corn for popping ♪
♪ The lights are turned way down low ♪
♪ Let it snow, let it slow, let it slow. ♪
♪ ♪