01x02 - Messy as F**k

Why aren't you married?

I'm just not. Right now.

It came out of nowhere. I'm not looking for a relationship right now.

I think your pussy's broken. Where are we going?

I'm just getting my sh1t together.

Maybe we should get our sh1t together separately and see what happens.


We need to find you somebody.

All right now, it's open mic night.

You still flow?


♪ Maybe it's dry as hell, maybe it really smells, ♪
♪ broken pussy. Yeah. ♪
♪ Maybe it's really rough, maybe it's had enough. ♪

I can't just jump from one relationship to another.


Like, I can't...


♪ Do you want your man or not? ♪
♪ Do you know your plans or not? ♪
♪ You gonna go back home or not? ♪
♪ You gonna claim your throne or not? ♪
♪ Is you Khaleesi or that other bitch... ♪

[snapping fingers]

♪ Whose name I don't remember? ♪

Molly: Issa!


I'm hungry. Let's go!


♪ Why you gettin' loud? ♪
♪ Yo, you need to tone it down ♪

♪ Why you come around? ♪

Wait a minute, so you're trying to tell me you went all the way to Daniel's house and nothing happened?

Like, at all?

I didn't even go inside.

Hold the f*ck up!

You got on stage and went all Dej Nope about my broken pussy for nothing?

Like, all that drama for zero dick?

Tsk, bitch, you buggin'.

It wasn't for nothing, though.

Like, it wasn't even about Daniel.

It was about me.

Like, I became someone else up there.


You know, it was like brave me.

It was "no f*cks" me.

And I wanna be that person.

You used to be that person, all freestyle and drunk in my backseat and sh1t.

So, what, you trying to be a rapper now?

No! I just wanna not be scared to do sh1t anymore.

Well, you know what? That sound real cool, real noble, but can you just leave my sh1t out of it?

You right.

Okay, thank you!

And I'm really sorry for saying your pussy's broken.

You know, I was just talking.

No, no, no, shut up.

You was right, my pussy is broken and I need to take better care of her.

So, I'm gonna get her a tune-up.

A tune-up?

Like, she needs her oil changed?

Like, your pussy gonna pass a smog check or...?

Shut the f*ck up.


I'ma get her fixed.

How, Sway?

I'm making today Molly Maintenance Day.

I'ma get my hair done, nails done, everything did.

Ooh, like a fancy day!

Basically, yeah.

[phone buzzing]

If I'm feeling fancy and well taken care of, so will she.

That makes sense.


Yo, Issa, you got Lawrence calling me now.

What? Just... just ignore it.

[line ringing]

Woman's voice: Hello, you've reached the voicemail box for...

Molly's voice: Molly Carter.

Woman's voice: Please leave a message. [beeps]

Man: Watch him, watch him, now, watch him.

That's what's happening.

Watch him, watch him.

Loving 80 right now, man.

[phone buzzing]

Yo, it's Wrence.


About time.


Hey, who all is there?

Oh, Fast Mike and Brandon. Where you at?

Man, Pasadena is far as f*ck.

Nigga, it's only, like, four freeways.

Grab me a Guinness, B.

I got you.

Yo, bro, Fast Mike got fat as f*ck.

I wanna call him Slow Mike, but you know how sensitive that nigga get.



What's good with you, man?

Aw, sh1t is up right now, money.

I sold a house to Tiger earlier, man.

I was starstruck, tap dancing for his ass and sh1t.

That nigga swole as f*ck. Commission was crazy.

Oh, that's cool.

What's up with you, man?

How's that new project going, the Whoopty-Whoop?

It's Whoop-Whoop.

What'd I say?

Still working on my business plan, man.

Plus, you know, there's so many apps out there now, it's hard to break into the market.

Am I going too broad, do I need to be more specific?

It's just a lot, you know?

Cool, cool.

That's what's up, man. Hey, I'ma be selling you a house soon, fam.

How are you and the old girl?

Issa's cool.

She, um...

I kind of f*cked up her birthday, man.

Aw, damn, man, you gotta fix that.

But other than that, you good, right?

Uh, actually, man, I was calling 'cause I just wanted to...

Oh, sh1t, this m*therf*cker hit a three, bro.

Hey, man, let me finish the rest of this game. I'ma shout at you, all right?

Yeah, all right. All right, cool.

I can't hear you. I was on the phone, girl.

[phone clangs]

[music playing]

You getting a pedicure?

Mm, I probably should.

Ooh, girl.

Lawrence ever suck your toes?

Once, but it made us both uncomfortable.

Ugh, he was sucking on your big old man feet?

Girl, I tell ya, that nigga is the one.

Or someone else might be.

What are you talking about?

I like Lawrence.

Bitch, I love him, but...

I mean, maybe I'm not satisfied.

You know? Maybe I wanna be dicked down properly.

You know? Maybe I wanna be face down, ass up, surrounded by foreign freaks, you know?

Maybe I wanna ask a nigga what he wants for breakfast and he replies, "That pussy," and he's talking about me, girl.

You know?

I can't with you. Mm-mm.

You don't know.

I'm just saying Lawrence hasn't put it down in a very long time, okay?

And maybe I need to get on one of those apps like you, girl.

Girl, calm your deprived ass down.

You are not about this app life.

Try me.

Bitch, I'm not gonna sign up. I just wanna see what's out there.

All right. You asked for it.

Check it, that's OkCupid.

It's free, so it's like "bottom of the barrel" dudes.

Bought a bunch of new movies at the barbershop.

Bootleg and chill?

Tinder used to be cool, but now it's basically a f*ck app.

So, what are you in the mood for?

We could ditch the menus and have our own dinner for two.

Heh, I'll be six, you'll be nine.


Hinge at least pulls from your network of friends, but apparently all my friends only know Hotep niggas.

Uh-uh, no.

I just want a queen that respects herself, who lays off the swine, who stands beside her king like a strong black woman should.



But my queen gotta be a freak, too.

I f*cked that nigga 'cause he was fine.

But then he had the nerve to dump me 'cause I told him I never went to the beach till college.

Nigga, you sell Obama puzzles at the African marketplace and you gonna judge me?

You grew up in LA and you never went to the beach?

Okay, Windsor Hills, I was a hood rat.

All I knew was Florence and Crenshaw. Whatever, I am still fly.

Basically, most of these dudes are not looking for a relationship.

They're just trying to f*ck.



I mean, I just wanna up the quality of dudes that I meet.

There's this one app called The League.

It's for elite dating.

Like, girl, you gotta be a professional just to get in.

I mean, I've been on, like, a three-month waiting list.

Three months?

To meet one nigga?

Yeah, this is a lot.

You gotta f*ck a lot of frogs to get a good frog.

That's not the saying. Or any saying.

The point is it's a numbers game.

Check it, I'm going on a date with this frog tomorrow.


He could be different.

You never know.


So, what we doing next?

I gotta get my hair done and then something else.


It's a "vagacial" appointment.

It's like a facial for your v*g1n*.

I said everything did.


I saw it on Draya's Instagram.

I mean, you could roll if you want to.

f*ck! I guess I'll go home and deal with this motherfucking relationship.

You should write Hallmark cards.

Bitch, shut up.


I'll see you later.

Go handle your man, girl.

Do you know who you are? You the bossiest bitch.

You a grown-ass woman like Solange's sis.

You gonna take control like Janet, or lose control like Missy.

The decision is yours... boss up or be a pussy.

Mm-mm, no.

[music playing]

[indistinct chatter over P.A.]

♪ If you're reading this, it's your birthday ♪
♪ We're gonna sip champagne like we... ♪

Thanks, man.



Where have you been, huh?

I've been calling you.

Oh, I... I... you know, I had my phone on airplane mode.

What the f*ck?

I'm just buying...

You're buying panties?

Why you being all loud?!

Why are you buying a six pack?

It's cheaper and it's not like it's the cute kind.

Wait, are you not coming home?

Lawrence, I'm not ready to talk about this right now.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't keep ignoring me, Issa. I wanna talk!

Lawrence, we are not about to be the black couple fighting in Rite Aid.

Okay, listen, I know that this is about your birthday, okay?

It's not even about my birthday.

See? You don't even...

I don't even what?

I... I can't do this right now.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Wait, Is-Issa!


Lawrence, wait.

Can I get your Rite Aid card for the discount?

Come on, man.

Woman on TV: I [bleep] men and women.

I got two bitches waiting on me outside... and two counts of murder on my head that they know about. [chuckles]

And I ain't sorry.

Girl, hey! Look at you.

Uh, how was your "vagacial"?

This bitch blew bubbles at me. My pussy is still broken.

At least I have an icebreaker for my date tomorrow night.

But what are you still doing here?

I thought Miss No f*cks was going home.

Um, can I stay one more night?

Flavor Flav said yes already.

Issa, what's going on? Why are you avoiding Lawrence?

I kissed Daniel.

But it was like... it was like... [kisses]

And then it was... and then it was finished.

Bitch, I knew it with your old lying ass.

Okay, I did not lie, because, technically, I did not go inside or f*ck him.

That's a sound defense.


And I saw Lawrence and, girl, he just doesn't get it.

And I don't know what to do and I'm just... I'm tired.

Stay as long as you need.

Thank you.


And just so we're clear, I'm still Miss No f*cks.

It's a... it's a whole process. It's a thing, so...


How's your presentation going?

Girl, I got too much on my mind, okay?

I am about to just wing this sh1t "no f*cks" style.

And these white people, they're not even gonna know the difference.

They're not gonna know!

You're so stupid.

Oh, can I borrow some clothes for work tomorrow?

♪ Told y'all, I told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ I told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ Growing up, I was a dorky dame ♪
♪ Got money, then the story change ♪

♪ Glory came, now all I crave... ♪

Boy, bye. Nope!

♪ I told y'all she a pimp, too ♪
♪ Told y'all she a pimp, too... ♪

Um, blazer twins.

Look at that.

Hey, I'm so glad you came in early.

So, about our youth... your youth outreach initiative, um, did you get my email?

Oh, no, I had a lot to do this weekend.

Well, I don't wanna step on your toes, but I spoke to some of the teachers at Thomas Jefferson and it turns out the students have a high interest in sports.

Sports? That's not exactly outside of what they know, and don't you think that's extremely limiting?

No, I hear you.

That is sadly stereotypical.

But to your general point about exposing them to new and untraditional things, what about partnering with USC for sports like lacrosse, water polo, or even real polo?

I don't... Culturally speaking, I just...

It's crippling for inner city kids to rely solely on sports to achieve success... you know?

That's true.

Well, my other idea was to take them to different neighborhoods and to do a community cleanup.

You mean take a bunch of black kids and have them clean up the streets like a chain gang?

That's the whitest sh1t you've ever said!

You know, community service is cool, but I think I found my stride.

I've got this.


Thank you, though.

Thank you.

Guys, I've been doing this a long time, but I still get excited when my staff takes initiative to maximize their impact in the classroom.

Issa, Frieda, the floor is yours.

Thank you, Joanne.

Ahem, so the kids of Thomas Jefferson Middle School are stagnant because they don't know what else is out there.

So, my idea is to expose them to the arts around Los Angeles.

Which arts?

Uh, all of them.

Are you referring to, like, visual arts, theatrical arts, or did you really just mean the arts?

Um, what I'm asking is, is that it?

[chuckles] No, that's... uh-uh, that's not it.

Um, if they're interested in painting and sculpture, we can take them to The Broad.

If they like music, we can take them to the Hollywood Bowl.

There's the Watts Towers...

Have you put together a budget on this?

That sounds expensive.

It does, right?

No, I was gonna get people excited about it first and then I was gonna take a stab at the budget.

A stab?

So, you have really no idea how much this is gonna cost at all?

This sounds like a whole lot of work for very little benefit.

Joanne: I see where you're going with this, but have you thought about the risk factors, the executions, how is it mission-driven?

Uh, the... the mission would be... help.

We were also considering a community service component which I...

Not yet, Frieda.

This is Issa's idea. Let her finish.


Yeah, no, uh, a community service component could also be included, um...

Culturally, I'm just like...

Wouldn't they rather go to an African American museum or, like, a Latino museum and just see how much more grateful other generations were?

Oh, my God, what about hip-hop Shakespeare?

The kids would love "Othello."

An interracial romance.

Ooh, what about a drum circle?

That really helps with aggression.

I took an African dance class in high school, so I could do mask work with the kids.

[voices overlapping]

We watch "Lemonade" and then we go to Lemonade and we eat.

We eat good food that's good for you and we see art.

[voices overlapping]

Can I have a few minutes, please?

[chatter stops]

Everyone, let's reconvene at the end of the day.

[phone rings]

Yes, but when the plaintiff took this job, he signed a waiver that completely indemnifies our client of any and all risks associated with operating heavy machinery.

You are so f*cking smart.

[chuckles] I'll keep reviewing the employment contract.


Sorry to interrupt.


Molly, good points today.

Oh, thank you, 'cause, you know, actually, I was...

Diane, I never got a chance to formally congratulate you on your engagement.


Thank you.

Wedding planning is the most stressful.

My wife and I went crazy.

Are you going crazy yet?

You know, I am going crazy with all this work we have to do.

[chuckles] Oh, my God, I haven't even thought about the wedding yet, you guys.

It's, like, only been a few days.

Did you see the ring?

Man: Oh!

Woman: Well, there it is. Wow.

Diane: It's a princess cut.

Woman: That is a diamond.

Man: Look at mine.

Look at that.

Woman: Mm-hmm.

Come in.


Um, so, I'm sorry about the presentation today.

I know you were expecting more.

I was.

Um, and I just wanna let you know that I am fully committed to and invested in We Got Y'all.

I've just had a lot...

Let me stop you right there.

You're not.

Um, sorry?

I hired you because I saw someone who wanted to make a difference.

You seemed passionate at first, but I've noticed you've been on autopilot for a while now.

If you don't wanna do the work, if you're no longer invested in what we're trying to do here, maybe this isn't the right place for you.

No, it... no, it is!

And you're right.

I... I wanna be here.

And I will do better.

The leader who does not take advice is not a leader.

That's a proverb from Kenya, date unknown.


[music playing]

♪ Every day a new escape ♪
♪ I awake, looking for the sun ♪
♪ Hoping that I never break ♪
♪ I'm on the edge, wanting me to trip and fall ♪
♪ Feeling every eye on me to ignore ♪
♪ Got the feeling that they wanted more ♪



♪ Wanted more ♪
♪ Bound to you. ♪
♪ If you're reading this, it's your birthday ♪
♪ We're gonna sip champagne like we're thirsty... ♪

What up, yo?

Nothing, bro. I'm good.

♪ So let's have a toast, it's your birthday ♪
♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday... ♪

Hey, something up?

I ain't seen your girl in a minute. Y'all good?

She leave you for another bitch?

What? No.


Talk to me, blood.

Me and Nala was just about to go watch the "Bare Bears."

"Care Bears," Daddy.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

We don't use no C-word, sweetheart.

This is a blood house.

Are you sure you're "bool," man?


I've just been messing up.

I started this business that didn't pan out.

Now I'm watching all my friends just pass me by.

It's just been frustrating on all levels.

Yeah, a nigga's stuck.


You ain't working, you ain't providing.

sh1t, you probably ain't even putting it down.

Man, hey.

Nah, nah, no disrespect.

You love your girl and sh1t, right?

Yeah, I do.

I just... I just don't know how to change things, man.

Well, hear me out.

I used to be out there f*cking bitches, being inconsiderate and sh1t.

But then when I had Nala, I was like, "What if she meet a nigga like me?"

I even tried to make it work with her moms, but her moms is a H-O-E.

So F-U-C-K her B-I-T-C-H-A-S-S.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Gotta spell fast. She getting so smart.

She know her ABBs and sh1t. That's little Einstein, huh?

Daddy's little Einstein.

Anyway, bling your sh1t up, blood.

Hey, and if it don't work out, I got bitches.



I completely forgot about the surveys these kids did.

Yeah, well, they were still in sealed envelopes.

The voice of the children. You believe this? It's so telling.

And you were right, they did mostly list basketball and football in their interests.

Mostly spelled wrong, but still.

They wanna be part of a team.

Or they wanna take it out the hood. Look at this question...

"What is something you'd like We Got Y'all to do next year?"

This is sad.

"Take us to the Crenshaw mall."

"Go to Benihana's."

"Dave & Buster's."

"Stand in line for Jordans."

These kids can't even imagine past the 10 freeway.

No, I'm not... I'm not laughing at...

That's... that's sad.

It's sad.

No, my friend grew up around here and she was talking about how she never went to the beach until college.

No way.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's fine.

She's a lawyer, but...


I don't know, what if we just took these kids to the beach to start?

You know, we could even do your service idea and make it a...

Both: Beach cleanup.

Word twins.


It's becoming our thing.


[music playing]

[chatter, laughter]

No, no, no, look, hands down, the worst dating experience I've had...

Coffee Meets Bagel.

Wait, worse than OkCupid?

Listen, I've never had so many women eyeing my shoe size and asking me, "So, are the rumors true?"

Wait, about your...?


Yep, white girls have no shame.

Oh, so you mostly date white girls?

Not at all. I just went through this period where black women weren't feeling me.

Now I know you lying.

No, no, no, listen, you're the first black woman who's responded to me in a minute.

I don't know what it is.




You two, okay?

You want some more wine or are you in a rush?

Sure, no rush here.

Can we have your Argentinian Malbec?


Thanks, man. You're gonna like this.

Oh, am I?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Am I gonna like it like I like your chicken?

Uh, I mean, you know...

I mean, just a taste!

You got pasta.

This was fun.


You wanna grab some coffee?

Uh, definitely.

You trying to f*ck, though?

You m*therf*cker.

All right.

You think that just 'cause you know some fancy wine-speak, I'm just supposed to let you take me home?

What, three glasses of Spanish wine means we f*ck?

Malbec's Argentinian, but...


I spent all this time trying to make sure that my pussy is fixed, but it turns out you are just like every other single asshole out here.

I didn't break my pussy, niggas like you broke my pussy.

[phone buzzes]

So, I'm home.

You still the same nigga?

"Yep, but who else you gonna be with?"

Oh, I got options, nigga. I got options.

"So, you ready to talk now?"

You ready to man-up now? Ha!

You wasn't expecting that, huh? That was good.

That's, like, pow. "What's my mama gonna say about us breaking up?"

I don't give a sh1t about your mama, nigga!

She's really nice.

"Where'd you put all my sh1t?" In a box to the left.

[chuckles] It's like a jungle sometimes, nigga.

"So, you know I'm gonna take all my DVDs."

Don't nobody want your Steve Harvey box set.

"You know I'm still working on my business plan."

I got a plan... start the business.

Nigga, how 'bout that?

"Bitch you know I love you." I love you, too.


Hey, broken pussy!


Right, right.

What's up?

You got... you got a little... something all over your face.

Okay, so you got jokes.

Somebody runs out of a club and don't say good-bye.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Uh, who is this?

That's Flavor Flav.

Oh, you should get a Doberman and name him Chuck D.

Thank you.

Real clever.

I tried. Did a little something.

Got an interview with a headhunter tomorrow.

That's great.

I shouldn't have ignored you today.

Thug Yoda spelled an entire sentence today.

For real?

That's "brazy."

[both chuckling]

♪ Heartbreaks, setbacks ♪
♪ Breakups, makeups ♪
♪ Love, love ♪
♪ Love, love, love ♪
♪ Breakdowns, build-ups ♪
♪ Knockdowns, broke down ♪
♪ But still try, try, try, try ♪
♪ Baby, this could be a chance for us to see ♪
♪ Maybe we'll figure out where we're supposed to be ♪
♪ Until we find the truth ♪
♪ There's something we should do ♪
♪ Can't let the love stop flowing from me to you ♪
♪ You know we tried way too hard to find ♪
♪ A love that's really blind ♪
♪ So why even try? ♪
♪ Baby, this could be a chance for us to see ♪
♪ Maybe we'll figure out where we're supposed to be ♪
♪ Until we find the truth ♪
♪ There's something we should do ♪
♪ Can't let the love stop flowing from me to you. ♪