01x05 - Shady as F**k

♪ Maybe it's really rough, maybe it's had enough ♪
♪ Broken pussy ♪

♪ Nobody wants you 'cause you got a broken pussy ♪

[music stops]


I know.

It's so stupid.

Yeah, but, like, funny stupid.

Wait, was... was this the night that we...?

I had had a few drinks and, uh, I just needed to blow off some steam.

Well, look, yo, yo, I know you used to rap in high school, but it's weird seeing you like this.

It was a mistake, okay?

I never thought this would see the light of day.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad, Lawrence?

Middle school kids have seen me rapping about pussy smells.

For the rest of their lives, they're gonna associate pussy smells with me!

Well, you did find a way to rhyme "loosey" with "poosie."

You're basically teaching them Shakespeare.


Lawrence, this is embarrassing, okay?

I need the kids to take me seriously and this completely undermines that.

They're kids, all right?

Look, they'll have fun with it for a couple of hours and then forget about it after the weekend.



Broken pussy! [laughing]

[music playing]

[music continues]

Hey, Miss Issa! Look what I made.

Uh, I am so sorry.

I didn't even know this was out there.

Issa, I know this is rough and...

Girl: And maybe...

Kids: It's had enough!

Shh! Shh.

Believe me, I am mortified.

Okay? I will fix this.

Thank you.

Because Julio is starting to teach it in Spanish.

[speaks Spanish]

Spanish, though?

[phone chiming, buzzing]


Oh, it's Monday already?

I know. The weekend went by way too fast.



Flavor Flav, off!



[both laugh]

Damn dog.

You know, I gotta go home anyway.

I can't go to work in jeans.

Well, next time, you'll just have to bring an extra suit.

Yeah, I should carry a garment bag around with me on dates.

Or you could just leave one here.


So, what are you up to tonight?

Uh, that all depends.

Are we gonna finish what we started?

Actually, my friend Diane's having a party.

Okay, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, she just got engaged, so she's celebrating that.

Wanna come?

Uh, can we play it by ear? I got a lot going on at work.

Yeah, of course... of course, yeah.

It should be pretty nice, though. It's gonna be at Hatchet Hall.

Okay. I'll try my best.

All right.

I should probably let Diane know if I'm bringing a plus one.

Okay, put me on the list.


See you tonight.

All right.

♪ See me in me heels an' ting ♪
♪ Then check so we hip an' ting... ♪

[bell rings]

[shouting, cheering]

One, two...

What are you gonna do?

Where are you gonna go?

Everybody's laughing at you, a female Bozo.

You can go and hide or you could try to fix it.

Go get all your tools together.

Get on your mechanic.

[engine starts]


Issa: Right?

And now the kids at school are talking about it.

And if it gets back to my boss, who the f*ck knows what she's gonna do?

And, girl, I got memed.


Yeah. I just don't have time for this right now.

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. Just slow down.

How did the kids find it in the first place?

Daniel! He was talking about what a great rapper I was and... and the kids must've googled me, the stupid, smart-as-fuck, researching-ass kids.


Uh-uh, don't give me the auntie "mm," okay?

I'm the victim here.

Oh, you're the victim?

This video was recorded without my knowledge or my consent.

It's basically rap rape.

Okay, well, technically, it was my pussy, so if anybody's gonna blow the rap rape whistle, it would be me.

Look, I just need you to be my lawyer and threaten the sh1t out of the person who posted this video.

Are they refusing to take it down?

I don't know who posted it!

Then who I'ma threaten, Issa?

All right, who else was there that night?


Daniel might know who posted it, okay?

He knew hella people who were there that night.

All right, so there's no other person who was there who could help?

Not the bartender, not the emcee or any other nigga you haven't carried a f*ck torch for?

Bitch, I don't... I don't care about him!

Okay? I just wanna get this video taken down before it ends up on WorldStar.

All right, well, let me see how I can help.

I'll call Jared. His brother performed at Maverick's that night.

Thank you, seriously.


[paperclips rattling]

Oh, you gotta work?

Yes, bitch, I'm a real-ass lawyer.




Damn it!

I checked with the manager and the DJ.


What am I gonna do?

Listen, let me just make some calls, okay?

No, it's fine. It's not on you.

It is, though. sh1t, I should've never told the kids you rapped.

Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out.

I'ma find out who put that sh1t up and ghost it.

I gotta be at the studio in 20. Can you drop me off?


I got you.

[music playing]


So, he's fat?

Yes, he's fat. Very.


Not big-boned, fat.

Yes, sir.

You're stupid.


Roscoe's got some talent.

Hey, I'm getting married, man.

Shut the f*ck up, man.

No, for real this time.

Leah's it, brah.

Wow. Yo, how long y'all known each other?

Not that long.

It's crazy, though, man.

The one day, I'm getting the girl a deal on a loft, next, I'm getting engaged, moving into that loft, and realizing it has some real structural problems.

sh1t. Yo, congratulations, man.

Thanks, man.


Brah, she's got me doing crazy sh1t. She want me to meet the parents.

I drove her to the airport.

Why you laughing?

Yeah. It's crazy.


It's crazy.

Yo, how'd she make the cut?

She's special.

You know, man, when you know, you know.

Plus the head is crazy.

What about you and the old girl?

Oh, we good.

For real?

Last time I talked to you, you told me you didn't give a f*ck about her.

No, I told you I f*cked up her birthday.

That's kind of the same thing, though.

Seriously, man.

I mean, we went through some sh1t, but... we in a good place.

So, what's taking you so long?

I'm still getting my sh1t together.


Nigga, why don't you get your sh1t together-together?

That's what I told Leah.

We're gonna handle her divorce and our prenup at the same time.

It's just good time management.


What's up with your hair, though?

We need to get this sh1t fixed. I got a guy.

I'm not f*cking going.

It's a little off on the corner, man.

The corner's off.

My hair is fine.

It's right there, man.

[phone buzzing]

Yep, right there.



It's been a minute. How you doing?

Just busy working.



So, what's up?

You remember Issa?

Well, someone shot a video of her rapping that night at Maverick's, and now she might get in trouble for it.

But I remember your brother performed that night, so maybe he might know who posted it.

Yeah, maybe. I'll ask him.

Thank you.


That's what friends are for.


So, was that all you called me for or...?

It was, but it's really good to hear your voice.

You should hear it in person.

Is that Chris?

Chris? Oh.

[mouths words] f*ck.

He sounds friendly.

Yeah, he, um... yeah, no, it's, um... I mean, it's not, you know...


Relax, yo.

I'm just f*cking with you.

I know!

And I'm f*cking back, yeah.



I'll talk to my brother.

All right. Have a good one.



[sighs] I am so sorry. Who was that?

It was Jared.

And can you stop playing Who's Molly on the Phone With?

'Cause you're pretty bad at it.

Yeah, I suck at guessing.


Daniel: Yeah, that's what he told me.

No, man, I'm just... are you sure?

All right. Thanks anyway.

Come on, guys.


This is what the f*ck I get.

For what?

Why'd I have to go up on that stage?

This... this is why I don't do sh1t.

This isn't me.

Are you kidding? That's all you.

All right? You gotta go for sh1t like that, and you were good.



You feel better?


Why don't you come in for a second?

You don't need to be driving all stressed out, all right?

Just come in, wait out the traffic.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah? All right.

[music playing]

[horn honks]

[music continues]


Yo, y'all, this is Issa.


What up?

Issa: Hey.

Yo, we good, man.

Hey, you want something to drink?

Oh, I'm good. Thank you.

All right.

You want the wheel with chairs on it?

Uh, so... no, I'll... I'll just sit right here.

That's what's up.

Thank you.

Are you ready to do this?

Yeah, let's get it.

Let's do it, boo.

[clears throat]

♪ Yeah... ♪


[clears throat]

♪ Girl, what's wrong? ♪
♪ My man ain't sh1t ♪
♪ Girl, what's wrong? ♪
♪ My man ain't sh1t ♪
♪ Girl, what's wrong? ♪
♪ My man ain't sh1t ♪
♪ But why you won't leave him? ♪
♪ 'Cause, bitch, dick too bomb ♪


♪ D2B ♪
♪ Dick too bomb ♪
♪ D2B ♪
♪ Dick too bomb ♪
♪ I need that ASAP ♪


♪ I see them bitches in the club trying to take that ♪
♪ Bitch, my pussy so good, make 'em pass that ♪
♪ What I look like ♪


♪ Lettin' another bitch have that ♪
♪ You better hit my line, boy ♪

♪ It's night time ♪

[phone buzzes]

♪ I'ma take you like a crime, boy... ♪



♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ How much clout you got? ♪

♪ How many rims you roll? ♪
♪ How many clothes you rock? ♪
♪ How many hos you f*ck? ♪
♪ How many hos you got? ♪
♪ How many blunts you smoke? ♪

♪ How many guns you pop, hey? ♪


[music stops]

Hey, that was hot.

I f*cks with it.

Heavy. Heavy!

Killed that sh1t.

Nigga, it's dead, deceased.

[clears throat]

Play that back.

Play that back.

All right.

♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ How much clout you got? ♪
♪ How many rims you roll? ♪
♪ How many clothes you rock? ♪
♪ How many hos you f*ck? ♪
♪ How many hos you got? ♪
♪ How many blunts you smoke? ♪

[music stops]

I think you should do it again.

What? What's good? What's... what's wrong with that?

You got that faded sound like your voice don't have range.

Like, it's...

Mono... monotonous.

Daniel: Yep.

Yep, just, uh... just play with your levels.

All right, if you say so.


I'ma play with it.

It's hot, right?

[door opens]


[door closes]


It made me realize how ignorant I've been about the drug cartel in Mexico.

I always thought it was about a girl named Sicario, so I was way off.

Where's your new man? Chris, right?

I don't think he's gonna make it.


[squeals] Thank you guys for coming!




You look great.

You look beautiful.


Thank you, man. Thank you, thank you.



Can you please talk some sense into my fiancée?

Tell them what you wanna walk down the aisle to.

Oh, my God, Jamal, stop it!

Nope. Sing it.


♪ Black and yellow, black and yellow ♪
♪ Black and yellow, black and yellow. ♪

See? See what I've been dealing with here?

I hate you.

Both: Mm-wah!

Diane: You're annoying.

There you are.


Sorry I'm late.

Oh, God, hi!

Um, yeah, Chris, this is Mark.

Is this the new boyfriend?

Oh, it's just...

Yep. Nice to meet you.

Oh, they're putting out more mushroom puffs.

Been stalking those all night.

Jamal: Thank you for coming.


Diane: Oh, thank you.

[music playing]

Two Black and Tans.

Thank you.

That's their signature drink?

They're really sticking to the theme.

I mean, seriously.

So, boyfriend... that was new.

Well, did you mean it?

Oh, no. I thought we were on the same page.

Oh, I'm s... what... what page was that?

I was just trying to help.

By pretending to be my boyfriend?

No. Well, kind of.

It just seemed like tonight was really important to you, and I didn't want you to be embarrassed.

Uh, this is embarrassing.

Look, I just got the sense that... and don't take this the wrong way... you really needed a win.

Because I'm a loser?

No! I... I meant that...

You think I'm so pathetic that I needed you to come and save me?

You're the one who was asking me to come. Like, repeatedly.

But I did not ask you to lie.

We barely even know each other and you're talking about me leaving clothes at your spot, making plans six months in advance.

I thought this was what you wanted.

You should leave.


[music playing]

Damn it.

Hey, you.

Tasha? Hey!

Hey, hey.

I almost didn't recognize you without your name tag.

Oh, I mean, I clean up okay.

[both chuckling]


You need to come do this at the bank.

Oh, I just got bored.

Well, then it's a good thing I came by.

So, you, uh, finally getting rid of your old computer?

Ugh, I wish.

I just need some batteries.

You guys have any?

Uh, yeah.

They're in the front by the register.



I guess I just got lost. [chuckles]

My boy Ernest works up there.

You want me to grab him for you?

N... nah. That's all right.

So, I'm about to go HAM on some jalapeño poppers and margaritas at Islands.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. Um, you get off soon, right?


I have a girlfriend, Tasha.

Right. Yeah.

I mean, I just thought that...

No, that's...

That's all right.

Yeah, uh, I'll just see you later.



All right.

[keyboard clicking]

Man: Same time tomorrow?

Daniel: Yeah, man.

Good job today, though.

Hey, appreciate it.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Oh, y'all, too.

Good night, boo. Later, boy.


Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

I should probably go, too.

For... for what? I just got done.

Oh, yeah, no, it's just getting late and I figured I might as well...

Then come on, sit down.

Let me, uh... let me have a drink with you.


Yeah, okay.

Oh, sh1t!

Aw, sh1t! My fault.

Yeah, no. I'm stupid and clumsy.


Don't even worry about it.

I got it.

Hold up, hold up.

[door closes]


[door opens]

[door closes]


Yo, you know who you look like right now?

[clears throat]

♪ Mr. Linus, Mr. Linus ♪
♪ First name Lance ♪
♪ Nobody likes you, you pissed your own pants. ♪

I can't believe you remember that. That was, like, 11th grade.

You think I'd ever forget the rhymes of the great Miss Terious?

Oh, my God. I buried that rap name for good.

Oh, well, then we're having a resurrection tonight.

Get up.

Get up!

What are you doing?

[keyboard clicks]

[music playing]

[music stops]

Get in the booth. Show me what you got.

Hell no! I learned my lesson.

Ain't no camera phones in here. You're safe.

Come on, just... just get in the booth, let me do the rest.

[sighs] Oh, God.



[door closes]

[music playing]

Yo, yo.

Turn my headphones up?



♪ Maybe this fate was overdue... ♪


I love you so much. Babe, I love you.

♪ Baby, it's late and I'm confused ♪
♪ Where did I go? ♪
♪ When did the sun rise? ♪
♪ How did I fall? ♪
♪ Got lost in the moonlight ♪
♪ Where did I go? ♪
♪ Where did I go? ♪
♪ When did I realize my love wasn't whole? ♪
♪ Love wasn't whole? ♪
♪ So, now this is good-bye ♪
♪ Good-good-bye. ♪

Sh... man, I know I got extra time for that knife fight or whatever, but these bitches up in here be [bleep] up my mother[bleep] [bleep] all the damn time.

And I'm up in here all by myself... [banging on door] missing my mother[bleep] man...

[TV turns off]

What are you doing here?

You, I hope.

Are you drunk?

Are you?


I've missed you.

Come on.

Let's not do that.

Is this about Chris?

Poof, he gone. Bye, Chris!

Bye, Molly.


Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Can I please use your bathroom real quick?

Issa's voice: ♪ LA girl, but not the way you know it ♪
♪ Model make a minimum, body from New Orleans ♪
♪ Chucks on my feet, though I ain't throwing my Crip up ♪
♪ I got LAPD tendencies, I might just take your nigga ♪
♪ Inglewood attitude with View Park rhymes ♪

♪ I rep my city like it's my 9:00 to 5:00 ♪
♪ I love where I'm from, I'll never let it go ♪
♪ I'm winning for my hood like that purple and that yellow. ♪

You sound good.

Shut up.

[music stops]

Take a compliment.

Thank you.




Why'd you never give me a shot?

What are you talking about?



Never mind.


Please continue, 'cause I wanna hear the f*ck out of this.

I mean, yeah, you know, we were long distance and sh1t, but you never took me serious.

We were friends with benefits!

Because you wanted to go do your thing out in the streets.


Yeah, okay, so it's on you.

How is it on me?

Now you're trying to make me feel a way on purpose, huh?

You... you're really gonna act like you don't know?

Okay, do you remember the summer when I came home from college?

Mm, when you were hella obsessed with Danity Kane?

Liked, nigga. I liked Danity Kane.


Anyway, you were the first person I wanted to see.

And then remember we spent the whole day together?

Mm, right. We had tacos from three different trucks.

Yes, because you couldn't remember which spot had that sauce you liked, and then it ended up being basic-ass Jack in the Box.

Jack in the Box goes hard for breakfast stuff.

And then when I was driving home, you called me back over and...

I thought you were gonna say you wanted to, I don't know, make things official.

You know, give us a shot.

But you didn't.

I should have.

I wanted to.

I mean, maybe you're right.

Maybe... maybe I wasn't ready then.

Well, you should've said something.

I know.

I know.

What if I'm ready now?


I... I...



[music playing]

♪ I see you around ♪
♪ But now I think it's time ♪
♪ To take some time off ♪
♪ Oh, baby, that made you smile now ♪
♪ I knew that you've been runnin' for a while now ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Don't run ♪
♪ I got so much for you ♪
♪ I know you feel the love is in the air... ♪

You good?

Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.


♪ Tell me where'd you go when you said good-bye ♪
♪ I never thought I'd lose you ♪
♪ Didn't think you would make a sacrifice ♪
♪ There was never any room to ♪
♪ Head for the road and live your life ♪
♪ And I'll read all the signs ♪
♪ Tell me where to go when the love has died ♪
♪ Midnight to sunrise ♪
♪ Now I'm sitting at a red light ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Anywhere but here, now I'm speeding ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Memories I know will remain unknown ♪
♪ Hitchhiker, night rider ♪
♪ Don't lose sight ♪
♪ Top fighter on this open road ♪
♪ Halfway to Mexico ♪
♪ Halfway to Tokyo ♪
♪ On this open road ♪
♪ You've arrived ♪
♪ And I'm singing you this song on the Westside ♪
♪ Halfway to Mexico ♪
♪ Halfway to Tokyo ♪
♪ On this open road ♪
♪ You've arrived ♪
♪ And I'm singing you this song on the Westside ♪
♪ Halfway to Mexico ♪
♪ Halfway to Tokyo ♪
♪ On the Westside. ♪