01x07 - Real as F**k

♪ Bad bitch ♪
♪ I'm slaying all these hoes, 'cause I'm a savage ♪
♪ Ain't with no basic sh1t, I'm not your average ♪
♪ Feelin' like I'm Kobe, I ain't givin' niggas passes... ♪

Issa: I'm about to stunt on your ass.

♪ You not even ready for this sh1t! ♪

Ooh, you look like a mermaid with feet.

In a good way, though.

I love it.

But do you love it like, "I would give her money for her fundraiser," or, "This bitch looking like a black Ariel"?

Are those mutually exclusive?


You really going all-out for this fundraiser, huh?

Hell, yeah, girl. I wanna kill it.

And I wanna do right by the kids, and all our friends are gonna be there.

Plus, after everything that's happened, I realize I had it all wrong.

You know, I don't need to be Miss No f*cks.

I'm now Miss Give All the f*cks.

Oh, okay. So, what does Miss Give All the f*cks give all the f*cks about?

Uh, my man.

Um, my job. Of course me.

Okay, I'm just done doing dumb sh1t and, really, I think I like who I'm becoming.

That's backwards.

No, it's not.

You got titties on your back now?

Uh, so, anyway, girl, how you doing?

How you holding up with, you know, everything?

Yeah, I'm, pssh... girl, you know.

Are you gonna come back out and show me some more clothes or what?

Tsk, I know.


♪ That's the way every day goes ♪
♪ Every time we've no control ♪
♪ If the sky is pink and white ♪
♪ If the ground is black and yellow ♪
♪ It's the same way you showed me... ♪

[phone chiming, buzzing]




Are you ready for your big day?

Yeah. [exhales]

Your interview's gonna go great.

I just... I just really want it, you know?


What are you doing?

I can't have my man going in there all stressed out.


Come on, you're gonna make me late, girl.

Like I need much time.

Oh, so you got it like that?

Yeah, you got it like that.

I'm telling you someone is stealing food out of the break room refrigerator.

I know! I spent all weekend making a three-bean chili for nothing.

I hope they like it.

Oh, no!

Hey. Crystal?


You guys keep going. I'll catch up.



Girl, how you doing?

I'm good!

I've just been kind of keeping it low-key lately.

Oh, my God, I was just at No Vacancy and I thought about you.

Remember that time you threw that drink in that guy's face 'cause he said you were drunk?

You were so drunk!

Girl, please, I was doing too much.

The most! But now look at you.

You looking all classy and effervescent and sh1t.

Thank you! You know, I've been feeling great.

I started seeing a therapist...


Girl, you okay?

Yes, girl!

I just had some things in my life that I needed to fix.

I mean, don't feel like you have to share it with me. It's okay.

No, it's fine, girl. Therapy's helped me with that, too.

Girl, you know I was out there being a hot-ass mess.

Even thinking about how I wasn't valuing myself.

Girl, I had to change something.

And now I just feel so centered.

Oh. Okay.

Anyway, let's get together for...

Man: So, our vision is to integrate mobile commerce in a revolutionary way within the messaging environment.

We are still solving for that.

What work have you done in that field?

Tons, actually.

You know, what I'm most interested in is weaving together users' current behaviors instead of building yet another destination.

Sure, we're into that, but what would your approach be?

Well, you want as many users as possible, right?

Of course.

You know, I'm coming into this cold.

I don't wanna step on anybody's toes.

No, step. Go ahead.

They're my toes. I don't care.

Okay. Well, um, the Meridian app is amazing, obviously.

So is Instagram. So is Messenger.

Okay, Cameron, you talked about replicating the best apps and features, so why not deploy a daemon?

Let those companies do all the work for you, and you get to own all of the data, all of the users, and the skeleton key that ties them together.

This is so crazy!

I still can't believe they just offered you a job on the spot!

Yeah! Yo, I knew the interview was going great, but I didn't think they were gonna do that.

[screams, laughs]

Oh, how are the perks, though?

Free parking space, tons of T-shirts...

I mean, they're all XXXL, but still free... and a company credit card, I think.

What? Oh, we 'bout to be charging up a tab at stupid places!

Okay, sushi every night, and not California rolls.

I'm talking monkfish.

No, I am so pumped for you.

You earned that sh1t.

Thanks, babe.

Oh, and Meridian is a good company, too.

I mean, they do a few things backwards, but...

Well, that's why they got you, though, to fix they sh1t.


Yo, it just made me think about what I was doing with my app.

I mean, I'm way more ahead in developing than they are, and they're an actual company.


And so, what does that mean?

That maybe I shouldn't take this job.

I should get Woot-Woot off the ground instead.

Wait, what?

Yo, look, all right, I know it sounds crazy, but the fact that I was way ahead two or three years ago means I know what I'm doing.

Like, I'm just mad inspired right now.

Hey, look. I know you wanna get your thing off the ground, but this is way too good a job to pass up.

And... and you've been wanting this.

Do we really wanna go back to how things were?

You right, you right.

And you can work on Woot-Woot at night, you know?

You're gonna make it happen.

You know I believe in you.

I know.

Oh, hey, you know the good thing about all those extra, extra, extra large T-shirts?

We can get fat as f*ck!


We definitely need new fat shirts.

Hey, babe, you gonna help me finish?

Yeah, let's do it.

Thank you.

Higher. Higher.



And make sure it's stable.

Insurance won't cover us if we damage the property.


I drive past this neighborhood every day and I didn't know homes like this existed up here.

I know. It's so pretty.

Yeah, what's this neighborhood technically called, Issa?

Oh, someone told me it's the black Beverly Hills.

Is that true?

Listen here, you gent, Columbus m*therf*cker.

If you don't stay the f*ck away...

I don't know why I told you about this neighborhood because y'all take everything!

Can we have anything?! Leave!

Guys, I really don't know, but I do know we have a lot of work to do.

And this bench needs to go over there. Could you...?

Oh, but we just moved it here.

Oh, don't question my authority. Thanks!


Frieda: Hey, Issa!

I wanted to introduce you to Chef Babette.

So nice to meet you. Thank you so much for catering our event.

My pleasure! Anything to support the neighborhood.

My favorite restaurant is Stuff I Eat.

Thank you!

You've gotta tell me what's in your carrot croquettes.

I'm guessing it's turmeric. Is it turmeric?

[mouths words]


Oh, uh, Joanne, I'll be right back.


Hey, girl!


Thank you for making it.

What are you doing? It's not that heavy.

Let's go!

[grunting] It's too heavy.

Oh, that's heavy.

Patricia: Use your wrists.

Joanne: Keep going! Good job.

Kitty: Oh, my God.

Girl, did I just see two white families walking their dogs?

Since when did Baldwin Hills get all gentrified?

When white people were sitting up in their $4,000-a-month one-bedroom in Malibu like, "Them niggas ain't that bad."



Thanks for helping me, though.

Oh, my God, of course!

Is it going good?

No, it's going really good.

Like, tonight's about to be inspirational as f*ck.

Yes! Oh, my God!

Guess who I ran into. You remember Crystal?

Crystal with the f*cked up shoes or Crystal with the heavy-ass titty ring?

No, Crystal our RA from freshman year.

Oh, yeah!

She always had the hookup on extra cereal after she f*cked that... janitor.

... Janitor!

How's she doing, though?

She good.

She through hoing. But she's in therapy, though.

Bitch, shut the f*ck up!

You stupid!

I swear!

That's what she told me. Just all over-shared and sh1t.

What made her start going?

I don't know.

She was all on some, "When we was running the streets, "I was doing too much, not valuing my value."

Like you can't value yourself and f*ck at the same damn time?



And now she's all like, "I'm so centered and I'm so zen.

"I recommend therapy for everyone."

Tsk, girl, bye.

Did she say therapy was working for her, though?

I mean, I guess, but who wants to go broke paying for a fake friend?

But maybe talking through some sh1t with someone isn't the worst idea.

Bitch, you trying to say I need therapy or something?

Come on, no! Like...

But, I mean, maybe 'cause, you know, the stuff that you went through with Jared and... and even that lawyer nigga, maybe it could help.

Girl, even I would go.


Bitch, you mad now?

Why would I be mad when you wrong as hell, Issa?

Issa, where do these go?

Patricia, you know where they go.

[music playing]

Okay, hold. Great.

Hey, look who I found!

Oh, hey! Welcome, kids!


Look at you guys.


I bet a rapper lives here.

Actually, this house is owned by a dentist.

But, like, a rapper's dentist?

Rappers don't have dentists, stupid.

Besides, only white people live up here.

Uh, Dayniece, all people need good oral hygiene.

And this place is actually owned by a black person.

This is a black neighborhood.

For real?

Yeah, and it's only 10 minutes away from your school, so if y'all study hard, and y'all act right...

Dante: Whoa!

This dentists has a drawer full of extra batteries!

What he need these for?

Hey, guys.

We can't just open people's battery drawers.


And, kids, don't forget to hand out all your donation cards tonight, okay?

And don't be afraid to introduce yourselves and smile.

Yeah? Yeah!

Hi. My name is Markese.

How you doing? Nice to meet you. Hey.

Hi. My name is Markese. Very nice to meet you.


One of our big donors is here...


... and Joanne wants me to talk to him.

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't let the kids take anything.

That only crossed my mind once you said it. Okay.

All right, guys.


[music playing]

Here you go.

[chuckles] Yeah. Uh-huh, okay.

Kelli: You cannot come to my birthday.

I don't wanna be there.

It's girls only.

Well, I paid for it, so you used my money to do it.

Okay, you know...

Which I wanted you to do.

That's what I got you for your...

This is a birthday present... from us... me.

No. Okay.

It'll be a great time.

Guess who's rich, bitches!

All: Oh!

Not me, but I just got that guy to donate $5,000!

I have never said the word "disadvantaged" so many times.

Way to go, Iss.

And before I forget, here's our donation.


Just a little something.

Thank you.

Kelli: And since he doing it...


We gonna bam!

What, Kelli! 500?

Okay, don't cash that sh1t until next month. I'ma be homeless.


I love the dress.

Gotta work on the shoe, but still love the dress.

I will take that.

I can't believe there's only two bartenders back there.

Like, seriously?

Well, guys, I just wanna thank you so much for coming and for donating.

It just... it means a lot.


All: Cheers!


We got you, girl.

We got y'all!

You know, so... we're not doing that?

Cool, cool, cool. That was a joke.

I thought there'd be at least a couple good-looking dudes here, but it's just old and bald dudes.

That's my type.

Well, at least the view is fantastic.

Got my allergies acting up, though.

There's hella smog tonight.

Damn, Molly, really?

You don't feel that?

This is LA. It's a smog city.



Do you need a Kleenex?

Hey, yo, look at Lawrence looking like Eddie Murphy in "Boomerang."


Kelli: I see him!

What's up?


Look at my boo all suited up and sh1t.

What's up, y'all? Babe, this place looks great.

You killed it! Hey, you a genius.

You gonna tell them?

No, come on.

Tell them!

No, come...


All right, so I got this new job.

It's a tech company.

Okay! All right, I see you.

They got you benefits?

'Cause the first thing you need to do is get your eyes checked.

You know they can tell diabetes through your eyes?

They're like, "betes." Mm-hmm.

Hey, what are you gonna be doing for them?

Uh, it's really interesting, actually.

It's a company called Meridian, a few years old...

Issa, can I steal you for a sec? I'm so sorry.

So, there's a very important potential donor.

I just... I wanna introduce you to tonight's organizer, Issa Dee.

I've heard so many good things.

And a parent was just telling me about Beach Day...

I'll be right back, guys.

So much to talk about.


Yeah, no, we're so happy.

Thank you very much.


Daniel, hey. What are you doing here?

Right now, just trying to f*ck up this quesadilla.

Okay. Were you invited?



Did some work at Career Day.

Just here for the kids.

Oh, okay.

Well, you know, let's just make sure we keep it about the kids.


Bye, Molly.

Woman: I'm definitely making a donation tonight, because when I think about all the people who've helped me, I just have to give back.


It's just important that somebody... it's who I am.

Yeah. I am so sorry.

I think I see a child who's been left behind.

Excuse me a second.

Why is he here? What... what did he say?

He said he's here for the kids.

Yeah, but how did he say it?

Is this nigga about to start some sh1t?

I hope not.

At least him and Lawrence don't know each other, so...

f*ck this. Just keep things cool while I get him out of here.


Frieda: Yeah, good to see you. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks for coming.

Thank you for, uh...

Yeah, you really helped those kids out before.

It means everything...

Sorry, excuse me.

Hey. Sure.

I need to see you.

You need to leave.

Like, I know you're mad at me or whatever, but this is my job, okay?

This isn't the time or the place for drama.

Hold up.

I don't hear from you in three weeks and that's the first thing out your mouth?

After all the sh1t we done been through, like, for real?

I know stuff at the studio, it happened kind of fast, but why you acting like it wasn't something?

Okay, yeah, it happened, but I was confused and... and you've been texting me and pressing me all hard.


Daniel, you knew I had a boyfriend.

You're trying to blame me for what you did?

You're not a victim, Issa.

You're being real loud right now.

I didn't even come here for all this, Issa, all right?

I just wanted to look you in the eye and ask you why you were treating me like I'm some random-ass nigga.

You were just an itch I needed to scratch.





He is leaving.


Issa. This is so great!

The kids are thrilled to be here.

Oh, good.

Um, Justin, this is Molly. Molly, this is Justin.

He teaches at Thomas Jefferson.


Aren't you the lawyer from Career Day?

I am.

The kids could not stop talking about you.

Oh, well, I hope nothing I said went over their heads.

Oh, I only heard the best things.

May I get you a drink, Molly?

Or do you object?

No, I'm good. I'm not drinking tonight.

Okay, sounds great.

Um, I'll catch up with you two later.


Good to see you, Justin.

Okay. Yeah, okay.

Jackie Chan is too thirsty.

"Or do you object?" [scoffs]

Way to make it weird, bro. I'll be right back.

Check it.

Here you go.

Thanks, man.

Man: We'll bring that right out.

Man #2: Thank you.

So, what's, uh... what's your connection to We Got Y'all?

I don't have one anymore.

Gracias, amigo.

[chatter, laughter]


You good?

Everything's great. Thank you.

Girl, you all right?

I'd be better if they'd stop pouring these weak-ass drinks.

Okay, what the f*ck is up?

Nothing. I'm just over this day.

Yo, it's not nothing 'cause you were rude as hell to Justin back there.

And I have to work with him. Why you tripping?

Oh, so I'm tripping?

You're over there acting like I'm raggedy and sh1t, telling me I need therapy when your mess is all over the place.

So, that's why you've been pissy all night, because I vaguely suggested therapy might be good for you?

Clearly, I was onto something.

Oh, for real?

Like your sh1t ain't all f*cked up?

Like I wasn't just distracting your man right after schooling your side nigga?

What? What? Why are you throwing that sh1t in my face?

I made a mistake, but at least I can see the sh1t that I do wrong.

What do I do wrong, Issa?

Do you really wanna know?

Please tell me.

Okay, have you noticed, Molly, the common denominator in all your "can't find a man" bullshit is you?

Yeah, let's do the nigga rundown, Molly.

One minute, he's too thirsty.

The next minute, he's too distant.

The next, he's too gay!

And then when you do find someone that you actually like, you ruin it by doing too f*cking much.

You act like finding someone is supposed to be some sort of fairy tale, but it's not.

You're impossible to please!

I'm impossible to please?

You can't commit to anything!

Did I say sh1t when you were complaining about your job for five f*cking years like you can't change that sh1t?

You've been on the fence, whining about your relationship forever, but did I say a motherfucking thing about that?

Oh, shut up, Molly.

The-the sh1t that you said wasn't even all my fault, and yet you act like sh1t is black and white.

You f*cked another man when your man was fixing his sh1t for you!

Bitch, you don't even deserve Lawrence.

Are you mad that I can actually keep a nigga?

f*ck you, Issa.

♪ Don't give it all up... ♪

Um, oh, hey, can we cut the music?

Uh, Miss DJ, can we cut the music? Thanks.

Um, okay. So, if I could have everyone's attention.

The kids would like to... Dayniece and the kids would like to say a few words.

So, Dayniece, take it away.

[mic feedback squealing]


[people chuckling]

Where'd you go?

Get some air.

Where's Molly?

She left.

It's gonna... oh, there you go.

Thank you.

Um, we would like to thank We Got Y'all for taking us to this nice house in our own neighborhood, which I'ma buy someday.

[all chuckling]

When I grow up, I'ma buy me extra batteries.

Aim higher.

[all laughing]

And also, we'd like to give an extra special thank you to Miss Issa... [applause] for all her hard work.



Go, Miss Issa!



I promise I'm not drunk this time.

What are you doing here?

Look, I know you're over me.

Hell, I'm over me, too.

But I realize I was going about us the wrong way and I just had all these unrealistic expectations about relationships.

And, you know, when it came to us, I should've just lowered my standards.


Wait. No, I didn't mean it like that.

I meant, like, I can meet you on your level.

Not that it's, like, a lower level, but it's just...

sh1t, Jared, you were just different than what I thought.

Okay, look.

I can't hang my life on trying to date the perfect guy, so I should've just learned to be happy with you.

sh1t, I'm still not saying it right.

But, f*ck, um...

Look, I'm tired.

♪ 'Cause when I'm chillin', I be comin' down ♪
♪ Told him, "Roll me up a blunt, I need another round" ♪
♪ Niggas call me when they need it 'cause I be around ♪
♪ All right, 'cause when I'm chillin', I be comin' down ♪
♪ Told him, "Roll me up a blunt, I need another round"... ♪

Woof, my dogs are howling.

Yep, arch support is important.

I'm so glad we made our goal, though.

It was touch-and-go there for a minute.

It's always touch-and-go.

[both chuckling]

We find a way to make it work.

So, where do you see yourself in a year?

Uh, hopefully at We Got Y'all.

Wait, are you firing me?

No. You're doing a great job.

This is who I've been wanting to see.

Take it before they check.

Don't have to tell me twice.

Hey, babe!

Ugh, I am so glad... this night is over!

And I got us a present.


Who's Daniel?



That's who was there tonight, right?

Yeah, we went to high school together, um, and he volunteered at that Career Day we had.

He did this, like, music presentation for the kids, so they must've invited him.

Did you f*ck him?


Why would you ask me that?

'Cause I am.

Did you f*ck him?

You f*cked that nigga?!

I'm so sorry.

What the f*ck? Wait, you f*cked him?!

I'm so sorry! I didn't... I didn't mean...

You're not f*cking sorry!

Then you're just gonna throw that nigga in my face tonight?

I didn't know he was gonna be there!

[stammering] I told him what we did was a mistake.

Oh, so you f*cked up our sh1t for some nigga who's a goddam mistake?


Did you f*ck him more than once?

Did you f*ck him more than once?


You're f*cking lying!

Lawrence, come on!


f*ck, I thought we were in this, Issa!

We are.

I'm so f*cking stupid, man!

Lawrence, I'm stupid! Just tell me what I can do...

I need to get the f*ck out of here.

Lawrence, please!

Please don't go. Lawrence!

Get the f*ck out of... Issa.

Issa, get the f*ck out of the way.


Issa, get the f*ck out of the way.

Just talk to me.

There ain't sh1t to talk about. Get out the way.

Lawrence, I'm not moving.

I'm not going anywhere.

Issa, move.

Just talk to me.

Get the f*ck out of the way.

Lawrence, I am not...

Issa, move.

Come on! I...


f*ck! Come on.


♪ If ever you're listenin' ♪
♪ If heaven's a prison ♪
♪ Then I am your prisoner ♪
♪ When I close my eyes at night ♪
♪ Dreaming, surely you can find me by the shore ♪
♪ I'm singing so blindly ♪
♪ Can you hear me? Can you find me? ♪
♪ If you find me, wanna tell you I love you so ♪
♪ I wanna tell you that love comes and goes ♪
♪ That it comes and goes ♪
♪ I hear the footsteps in the water ♪
♪ And I feel the breeze ♪
♪ I open my eyes and no words, no words ♪
♪ I wish that I listened when I was in prison ♪
♪ Now I'm just a visitor ♪
♪ I came to the gates, but you turned me away ♪
♪ You asked me what am I waiting for ♪
♪ I'm waiting 'cause I f*cked up, ooh ♪
♪ I got thrown out ♪
♪ I don't know which way to go now ♪
♪ Don't know which way is home now ♪
♪ If ever you're listenin' ♪