02x03 - Hella Open

So, who initiated the s*x?

- Him.

- Have y'all spoken since?

- It's unclear.

- Bitch, are you a magic eight ball?

What that mean?

Does that mean he broke up with that girl?

What, what girl?

- I think her name is Tasha.

- It's not about her, and I don't want to be petty.


- You cannot sleep here.

- Tasha, I slept with my ex.

It was a mistake and you don't deserve that.

The apartment has two bedrooms, one bath.

You hear that, Brian McKnight?

Two bedrooms.

One for you sleep in and one for your feelings.

I know as black women it can feel like there's a lot - thing stacked against us.

- It's an all boys club.

Whatever I got to do to get in I'll just figure it out.

I just talked to Lawrence.

He found a new apartment.

Lawrence said that he's done.

I'm sorry, Iss.

- [music playing.]

- [Issa and man laughing.]

Issa: Ben, you're so stupid.

- You got a sexy laugh, you know that?

- Nuh-uh.


- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.



It tickles.



I'm sorry.

That's that sexy laugh you like.


You ain't gotta keep laughing.

Oh, I know.

That's that's the last time.


Are you you all right?

No, I'm I'm sorry.

It's just your fingers are It's weird.

It's so weird.


Um, I'm sorry.

Can we can we do this another time?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, I kind of thought this was, like, a sure shot, so.

Yeah, I I did, too.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.


You know what?

I'll get out of here.

I can never tell if it's inside out.

I got this from the swap meet.

You know what?

I'll just Thank you so much for your hospitality.

- [door opens.]

- Uh, it's your bedroom.

Heh, we didn't make it there.



I can't your finger I got real bitch problems I got real bitch problems I got real bitch problems Real bitch problems I got real bitch problems I got real bitch problems She got real quick problems I got real bitch problems Quit calling my phone You turned a soft bitch solid Ice cold Leave a real bitch for a thotty, you a ho Then call a real bitch when you tryin' Bye, Felicia, leave me alone.

Tsk, f*ck you, McDougan Management.

They ain't about sh1t.

That party was on, though.


You know, that sounds great, Hannah.

And discovery's complete on Sycamore, and I e-mailed Merrill about the summary judgment motion, but he hasn't responded.

Well, we all know how that goes.

Just hang in there.

I have to hop on another call.

- Quentin, can you fill Molly in?

- Absolutely.

Molly, I will see you when you're here next week.

And, look, I gotta go soon, too.

The sun is actually shining today and I'm going to the beach.

Okay, don't call it a beach.

You know it's not the beach.

See, you can get disbarred here for saying something like that.

Well, out here, you can get promoted for being an asshole, so.


Well, you better not let them hear you.

[both laughing.]

[kids chattering.]

[bell rings.]

Boy: Aw, man.

You stupid, fool!

You see this?

I'm so glad to hear you say that.

I've been thinking a lot about how we can balance the classroom's demographics.

Wait, what?


We're finally getting consistent numbers.

Yeah, but the numbers are all they're black.

Is this the Gotcha thing?

Yes, it is!


If you need a place to study or you need tutoring Mr.

Gaines sent us.

He said you had extra space.

Yes, we do.

But do you have any friends or, like, amigos, amigas?

Okay, listen, why don't you find a seat and we'll be by in a few to see how we can help.

All right.

So, Mr.

Gaines is is Trying to look out for us?


Yeah, he is!

And at least now we have students we can actually help.

It's not that I'm not happy that we have more kids, but the school's 86% Latino and the attendance doesn't reflect that.

Frieda, we have to start somewhere, all right?

I don't know why you're trying so hard to turn our success into failure, but just take the W!

Hey, you guys good?


What are you studying?

What do you need?


[crunching continues.]

Colin, enough with the chips.

They're not chips, they're Chirps.

- Made from crickets.

- Aparna: I don't care.

You know, I actually tried crickets once in Phuket.

- They're high in protein.

- You know what else it's high in?

f*cking crickets.

- [Aparna snickers.]

- Whatever.

I gotta go take a tinkle.

Is that what he said after you two?

Shut up!

- Did you - Hook up with a dude who eats bugs?

Yes, she did.

It was Startup Saturday, so f*ck you.

I don't know what that is, but that is not a good enough excuse.

It's some mixer thing.

Trust me, it's depressing.

All the guys are disgusting or lame as sh1t.

It's true.

You'd freaking clean up.

Uh, yeah, I don't know about that.

Actually, there is another one this Saturday.

- You should come.

- Yeah, I'd love to, but I promised someone that I would pick up some chairs.

It's for a family barbecue.

This just keeps getting sadder.

Next time, though!

Yo, I'm there.



Just use the note cards, Mom.

You don't have to memorize the vows.

He's already married to you.

You can wear your glasses.

Dad knows you wear glasses.

Mom, I have to go.

Mm-hmm, I love you.


Should I give the bookcase to him to load?

To who?

Oh, no, he's not We're not together.

- I got it.

- It's pretty heavy.

It's cool.

I got it.

[grunts, pops lips.]


Okay, um Just gonna Okay, mm-hmm.


Excuse me, do you mind?

Just move it, yeah, a little bit back further.

Thank you.


- Hey.

- Oh, I'm sorry.


- Thanks.

- Thanks, man.

Okay, baby.

And - All right.

- You wanna drive?

Issa: But, wait, you're putting therapy on pause till when?

Till I find another therapist.

I mean, Dr.

Rhonda was always putting her sh1t on me.


Just because we both got brown titties.


Okay, wait.


"Put shelf 25 in 7C"?

- I don't know - Hey, girl, you know what?

You do this part and I will do this part.

But, like, on the real, though, you gonna keep looking, though, right?

'Cause there's plenty of brown titties in the sea.

Oh, you got jokes?



Because there's plenty of brown dicks in the sea, too.

But you ain't got one.


Okay, first of all, trying to f*ck is hard.

No, it's not.

It's like riding a bike.

Yeah, I don't know how to do that either.

Like, I kept on thinking, "What if he's not good?

Or what if I'm not good?" And I don't know, I'm just stuck in my own head.

Well, what you think therapy is?

I'm stuck in my head talking to a stranger.

At least you get the option to f*ck at the end.

Yeah, but you chose not to be out here.

But it's not like I don't want somebody.

Then, girl, get yours.

I should.

We should.

I mean, we were supposed to do this ho sh1t together.

Girl, I always wanted to have a ho phase.

But then I met Lawrence and he made me fall in love with him and sh1t.

Tsk, yeah, y'all did get boo'd up real quick.

You know what?

f*ck love, okay?

f*ck getting to know these niggas.

f*ck feeling feelings.

I just wanna be on my Halle Berry sh1t, okay?

I just wanna feel good.

Cool, cool, cool.

Well, can you f*ck with my bookshelf, though?

- Mm.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey let's go somewhere tonight.

Can you teach me how to ho?

Bitch, that's rude.

And, yes.

[music playing.]

I ain't with the back and forth I ain't back and forth, like f*ck what you asking for, just back up off of me Look at all these hos all extra thirsty to find a dude.

- [laughs.]

- Uh, I'm looking at one right now.

Girl, I'm not out here looking like these When you put it like that, like that Like that, like that, U rite You know what?

We need to go somewhere where we're the exotic ones.


Like Des Moines?

No, like another country.

No, seriously, I've been thinking we need to get away with just the two of us.

We haven't done that since I was single.

Oh, hold up.

Green shirt.

That's all you.


I was gonna order the catfish basket.

Mama told me never hit it raw Certain sh1t a nigga pick up on You cannot trick me, the jig is up Girl, will you hurry your slow-walking ass up?

It's my sexy walk.

Evidently you don't know the boy ain't no chump Real nigga don't say nothin' I knew I shouldn't have f*cked with these wedges.

The lady ain't a tramp Just 'cause she bounce it up and down - Wow, that seems hard.

- Not really.

It's construction.

I bet you're you're really good with your drill.

- Excuse me?

- Hmm?



No, he had a phone call.

It was it was important.

A trampoline The lady ain't a So, if you had the chance to, like, get out of here and go home alone or go home with somebody here, like, what would you decide?

Look, my friend sent me over here just so he could get some time with your girl.

I get it, I get it, you in it to win it Do you have any other friends?

- You okay.

All right.

- No.

Saw you sitting by yourself.

I figured I'd come by and say hello.

I'm just I'm just looking out for my friend.

Well, you're a good friend.

Not a great listener, but good friend.


I can be both.

Can I get your number?


Oh, you're hitting me with the business card?

- Mm.

- Okay, all right.

Uh, I'll earn it.

So, girl, how'd you do?

I got these wings.

[TV playing.]

So, then, Eric gonna ask Shaniece, "Well, how come you not gonna make your potato salad?" Do you know what she said?


Wait, who is Shaniece?

Do I need to make you some flash cards?

- No, I'm good, I'm good.

- [laughs.]


[clears throat.]

Hey, did we ever finish watching that "Shark Tank" from last week?

See, I wish Daymond could be in every episode.

- Mm-hmm.

- I don't why they make him alternate with that Peter Pan-looking white lady.


Boy, stop!

Are you even listening to me?

- Of course.

- [giggles.]

- [theme music playing.]

- Ooh, ooh, ooh!


Get it, Viola.



[vibrator buzzing.]

[buzzing stops.]


[music playing.]

Hand down my pants, I flick the bean - My boo ghost, but I don't need him - f*ck.

Five digits gonna make me squirm and scream - This is all on me - f*ck!

All I need, take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand inside Take five, slip and slide All I need to go is one hand inside.


Molly: Yeah, no, it should be fine.

I can just look it over.

Plus, you know, I'm seeing Hannah in Chicago next week, so I can get clarity.

Damn, wish I could sneak vacations in Chicago, too.

Well, you already vacation here at work, so what's the difference?

- Ouch.

- I'm I'm sorry.

I'm just stressing.

All this extra work.


Good news, ladies.

I heard from Vice Principal Gaines earlier, and he could not have been more excited about the progress we're making at East 41st Street.


Um just curious.

Have you gotten feedback from anyone else?

No, but Mr.

Gaines did say attendance in your classroom has doubled.

It has, and it's beautiful.

All right, then.

Well done.

And, Issa, I gotta hand it to you.

You were right to hang in there.

Oh, well, it was a team effort.

You know, I couldn't have done it without Frieda.

You totally could've.

Things happen without me all the time.

Whatever you're doing, keep it up.

We will.

All the way up.

Man: So, I called this girl cute, told her how much I liked her dress, and then she threw spaghetti right in my face.

Oh, my God, your niece is so adorable!

- Thank you.

- And I wish one of my brothers would get it together and have a kid.

I'm ready to be an aunt.

- What, you like kids?

- Yeah, I do.

But right now, I'm mostly into borrowing them.


Yeah, me, too.

- Giving them back's always the best part.

- Right?

That, and they listen to everything I say.

Oh, my God, are they looking for a job?

Because I need a new assistant.

Hey, I'll work for you.



You own your own business doing what, marketing consulting?

- Yeah, it's kind of the best job.

- Hmm.

I tell companies what to do and then I get to leave.

[sucks teeth.]

It's not as sexy as it sounds.

Yeah, no, it doesn't sound sexy at all.

[both laugh.]

I gotta tell you how much I vibe with you.

I'm real glad we skipped this whole awkward first date.


This is fun.

Do you ever wish that you could just fast-forward to the part where you're married and settled and life's all figured out?


Tell me about it.

- [laughs.]

- Cheers.


I think I need your touch I think I need your touch - [sizzling.]

- [kids playing.]


I think I need your touch - I think I need your touch - Hey, Tash.


It ain't even started yet and I'm done.

- Thanks for coming.

- Ah, no problem.


- Yo, so these chairs?

- Yeah.

- Oh, they got it.

- Okay.

Oh, yeah ow, my finger.


- So, you Lawrence, huh?

- Yes, sir.

Oh, Lawrence, this my play uncle, Jesse.

Nice to meet you.

All right, now.

- Welcome.

- Uh, thank you.

Hey, bruh, help me hook up these speakers.

Oh, are we allowed to play music in the park?

Oh, you one of them rule-following-ass niggas, huh?

Nigga, hand me the plug.

Okay, yep.

This this one right here?

- Tasha: Oh, baby?

- There you go.

Mimi is here.

Could you help her out the van, please?

- Lawrence: Uh, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

- [music playing.]

- I got it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- The table?


- That's right, set it off Young Daz struck a match and the match went out But it wasn't no more lights in the house, check it out Speakin' of house, let's play a game of it, are you with it?

Hide and go get it, I bet you love it, baby I'll play the daddy and you can play the mama [laughing.]

- [laughing.]


- Hey.

- [phone buzzing.]

- Puddy-cat on the loose You good?

- Uh, yeah.

- Okay.

I gotta go do this work thing, but I'll be right back.



- All right.

- Mwah.

- All right.

All right.

- See you later.

No longer will I feed your Um, can I have a chocolate one and a caramel one?

Yeah, and I'll pay for hers.

Oh, my Dro, hey!

- Candice!

- Hey, girl.

I see you are still trying to work those ugly colors.

- But you're cute, though.

- Ha, okay.

You know what?

I didn't even wear this on purpose, but just like a Delta to hate.

- Mm.

- So, what, y'all just gonna roll to my cupcake spot and not tell anybody you in town?

- Both: Oh.

- That's my fault.


He was only supposed to be in town on business for a few hours, but I wanted to tag along and turn it into a weekend.


Yeah, and we coming up here again next weekend, right?

- For Kiss-n-Grind.

You going?

- I mean, I don't know.


I'll ask Issa.

Oh, you're still ordering one for "your friend" at home?

- Bruh, she only needs one fork.

- You know what?

Shut up!

How do you even put up with this?

- He's a full idiot.

- Yeah, but she chose the right one.

- [Candice giggles.]

- Thank you.

- Thank you for my cupcakes.

- Of course.

Good seeing you, girl.

Oh, tell your brothers I say, "What's up?"

- Oh, of course.

- Yeah.

- I'll see you guys.


- Candice: Bye, girl.

What you want?

What I'm gonna be putting on you?

Ooh, that Almond Joy look good.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.


Oh, ooh.



[water running.]

[no audible dialogue.]

Okay, Eddie.

I see you.

[phone buzzing.]

Hey, girl.

- How was your brunch?

- Um, it was good.

Whoa, that was some high-pitched fakeness.

What you mean?

You don't sound excited about him.

Lionel is great.

We want a lot of the same things.

I mean, he got a five-year plan, he's attractive, he's smart, he making money.


But I just don't know what it is!

It's, like, on paper, he's amazing, but I don't know.

- Well, what don't you know?

- It's like with Dro and Candice.

I just ran into them at the cupcake shop.

Ooh, which two did you get?

Bitch, who cares?

Chocolate and caramel?

Yes, but the point is, like, Dro didn't have no five-year plan.

Hell, he didn't even have a five-day plan.

Yeah, Dro was a mess.


But he just went with the flow and he found the perfect person.

With Lionel [groans.]

I feel like he was just checking off his boxes.

Get into a relationship, check.

- Hmm.

- What?

He sounds kind of like you.


I was out there like that?


- Issa?

- Oh, God.

I think I passed out real quick from these paint fumes.

Bitch, open a window.

Mm-hmm, you right.


- [laughing.]

- Colin: Even I feel weird doing this.


- Lawrence: Hey!

- Hey, man.

- You made it!

- Yeah.


Yo, I gotta say Startup Saturday goes pretty hard.

Ooh-hoo-hoo, wait till it gets dark.

That's when things get desperate.


'Cause everyone's drunk?

Yep, and drunk people make stupid decisions.

I'm gonna go find the stupid decision section.

[all laughing.]

- See you guys.

- Aparna: I'm just messing.

You can't have my joy.

- [faint music playing.]

- [gate slams.]

As long as we're here alone Tell me your, tell me your secrets I won't tell a soul I promise to, promise to keep it And I'll do things I know something only I know - [knocking.]

- I got superpowers Oh.

Oh, hey.

What's good?

Hey, um, I found this extra charger at my house and I thought you might've left it during my party.

Oh, oh, sh1t, yeah.

Yeah, that's definitely me.


Oh, you listening to KYLE?


You smoke?

- I love it.

- Well, come on in.

- Come on, Polio Boy!

- Colin: No way!

[phone buzzing.]

No, I tried to run five miles one time.

My legs gave out.

Okay, so what's your deal?

Uh, what do you mean?

- Are you single?

- Mm.

I'm dating.

Oh, so you're f*cking anything that moves.

- [laughing.]


- No.

Speaking of Can I get you anything?

Ooh, I'll take a White Russian with almond milk.

Um, no, thank you.

I actually have to take off soon.

Oh, that's too bad.

You know what?

Um I'll get a round for the table.

What do you guys want?

- Tequila.

- Shots.

[pops lips.]

There you go.


That's what we doing?

- If you're buying.


- That's what we're doing?

All right.

I've been watching "Gossip Girl.

" I'm almost done.

Dominguez Library is missing season 5, but luckily 6 still makes sense.

Oh, cool, yeah.

This seems great.

I should get into it.

You should.

Blake Lively's doing her thing.

Is that the white girl?

Oh, I guess they're all white.


Yeah, white people.

There's so many of them.

It's good to see them doing they thing.

[chatter and music on TV.]

Put your doubts to the side, get his ass in the bed Even if it's wack, you could still get some head Go for it, go for it, go Ho for it, ho for it, ho Do you want that dick or no?

You better go for it, go for it, ho.

[TV continues.]

- [thuds.]

- Oh, f*ck!


I'm so sorry.

No, it's It's all good.

- I'm so embarrassed.

- No, it's all right.

- Are you okay?

- Don't worry.


I actually like it a little rough.

[music playing.]

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah - Okay, I got it.

- I know you wanna love

- But I just wanna f*ck

- f*ck, are these buttons?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

- No, no, I've got it.

- I got you.

- Okay.

I know you wanna see

- I know you wanna be

- Okay.

Um, I was thinking, would you mind if I titty-fucked you?

Uh, I'd like to respectfully decline.

Okay, well, thank you for being so respectful.

I know you wanna see, I know you wanna be They're tapered cut, so.


Eh, what it is?

What you wanna know?

I done ripped about a hundred shows Oh.


Let's hold it right there for a moment.

You know, put these legs on up.

- Just like this?

- Yeah, in the ear.

- Oh, we're doing this?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Feel free.

- Just like?

You know, right around there.

Let me just just move my head right here.

- No, no, you good.

- Let me just prop up.

I'm sorry.

No, keep doing it.

- Yeah.


- [clatters.]

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I hope it wasn't I know you wanna love, but I just wanna f*ck Um, you know what?

You know what would be great?

If we tried another position.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

All right.

- Ooh.

- Bounce on it.




But I just wanna f*ck, and, girl, you know the deal I gotta keep it real I know you wanna see [phone buzzes.]


[phone buzzes.]


Man: Does this work for you?

Yeah, that's perfect.


1:00 in the morn', cell phone ring ring So I pick up, homeboy talkin' 'bout a party we should hit up Okay, and then if someone in your circle wants to join, you get a notification that goes "woot woot.

" - [sputters.]

- Oh, my God, I love it!

Hey, y'all wanna check out the patio downstairs?

Women: Woot woot!

- [laughing.]

- [phone buzzing.]

- Wait, right now?

- Yeah.

- Gary: No?

What just happened?

- Hello?

Lawrence, what What happened?

Hey, is that Rules?

What up, Rules?

Uh, yo, hang on for a sec.



Uh, sorry.

I'm still at this work thing.

I mean, actually, it's more like a work-drinks thing.

I guess I just had one too many, and I don't wanna get a DUI, you know.

If you didn't wanna come, you should have just told me that.

No, it's not that.

I just Honestly I'm just not looking to get into anything serious.

You know, I just got out of a relationship and Wait, hold on, hold on.

Are you for real right now?


My whole family was here and you just ghosted.

Do you know how embarrassing that was?

Yeah, all right, I'm sorry.

I know how much you wanted me to be there.

Quit acting like you give a f*ck about what I want.

Yo, Tasha.

You don't think I knew what this was?

I knew it wasn't nothing serious.

But, see, you fronted like it was.

Apologizing for sh1t you wasn't even sorry for.

No, I was sorry.

You you a f*ck nigga.

Yo, come on.

No, you know what?

You worse than a f*ck nigga.

You a f*ck nigga who thinks he's a good dude.

Aparna: Hey.

Coming back downstairs?

- Yeah.

- Come on.


- Yo, Gary's lit.

- [laughs.]

[crickets chirping.]

You don't gotta go if you don't want to.

I mean, you can stay over.

Oh, I'm good.

Thank you.


See you around.

Yeah, for sure.

[phone buzzes.]

[music playing.]

I'm a poppin'-ass bitch, let me remind ya Don't hide, I can always come and find ya Ain't no bitch in me, bitch, come proper In an Audi going fast, you behind us I'm a poppin'-ass bitch, let me remind ya Don't hide, I can always come and find ya Ain't no bitch in me, bitch, come proper In an Audi going fast, you behind us Hey, every day is lovely, every day is sunny I don't need your money, bitch, I got my own money Should have seen the sh1t comin' Seen that bitch start punchin' Red Audi fruit punchin' If we fight, you know my niggas gonna jump in I ain't scared, bitch, just a whole lot of gang sh1t I'm a bear, you a motherfucking reindeer Where I stay, you can't motherfucking stay there Yuh, and I had to make that sh1t clear, bitch I said I'm in a red Audi, bitches, fruit punchin' On a beat I don't punch in I'm a poppin'-ass bitch, let me remind ya Don't hide, I can always come and find ya Ain't no bitch in me, bitch, come proper In an Audi going fast, you behind us.