01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Listen up, everybody. The clock is ticking. There's no time to waste. Every moment counts.

So... let's get those items into those boxes and let's try to make sure it's the right items in the right boxes, okay?

You with me?

♪ ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

It's gonna be a good day, Sal.

Your pep talk was deeply inspiring.

Hi, Kareema. I'm working.

Honestly, I don't know what's sadder: the utter meaninglessness of this job, or your attempts to imbue it with meaning.

Then I remember there is no sadness and we're all just specks of dust in an infinite universe.

Well, your hair looks cute today.

Thanks. I know.

Demon breath incoming.

Suck it up.

(all inhale)

So, I just fired Melinda.

Please inform Human Resources.

(sobbing)

(all exhale)

I don't know how you cover her desk all day.

Scuba diving lessons.

I mastered breath control.

Hey, if Melinda's out, that means there's a spot open on the Cyber Hugs team.

Not it.

What?

Traveling the world to research the charities the company donates to?

It's a dream job.

So why don't you apply?

I don't know.

I mentioned it to Deirdre once before.

(laughs) That's adorable, but no.

May I ask why?

Well, you're not a leader.

People don't listen when you talk, you're too timid, you don't motivate people, you lack confidence, you don't command respect, you're an inspiration to absolutely no one.

Whoa.

That's harsh.

Deirdre can suck my...

Weiner schnitzel!

Yum!

♪ ♪

So, listen, guys: big news.

I finally saw him again yesterday. Dream Guy.

I take it you're off with Timothy again?

Yes.

I really like Sweet T.

I mean, we do trivia night together.

First runners-up, two weeks in a row.

Okay, look: this other guy?

He's not your dream guy.

He's just a stranger that you've projected all your soft-core fantasies onto.

He's not technically a stranger.

Please don't tell the rutabaga story again.

I was at the farmers' market...

Excuse me, sir?

What kind of listeria precautions do you take with your rutabagas?

All of them?

Could I get mine dipped in E. coli?

Ew.

Hey.

(music plays faintly in background)

Oh, I'm Xavier.

With an “X.”

I'm...

I gotta go.

(laughs)

“Xavier with an ex.”

He was telling me he was single and I blew it.

Pretty sure he was just telling you how his name is spelled.

Well, either way, I want a do-over.

Hank: You want to find this guy, Evie?

Here's what you do.

You go on the Dark Net, you find yourself a Korean hacker to steal his address.

Is that legal?

It's effective.

For $35, I found out where Vin Diesel lives.

Why?

I like his movies.

Look, just don't be one of those women defined by the quest to find the guy.

It's boring.

Yeah.

You know what? You're right.

I mean, if he shows up on my doorstep, fine.

But in the meantime, I'm just gonna, you know, live my life, do my thang.

Yeah. Maybe don't say “my thang” anymore.

Hmm-mm.

Yeah.

I won't.

♪ ♪

No way.

Holy smokes.

I mean, how many Xaviers can there be in this neighborhood?

It's gotta be him.

And 1031 South Kensington?

What are the chances?

This is amazing!

I know! Right?

Joshie's having his first applesauce!

Oh.

That's great.

Anyway, it's not crazy to just go over there, is it?

Like, I won't go inside.

Oh, God, no.

No, no!

Relax, it's just...

Joshie is having his first applesauce barfie.

(Joshie spitting up wetly)

Maybe now isn't the best time.

Look, sis, just meet this guy already, okay, and deliver the thing.

But you get out of there if any alarm bells go off for you.

Okay...

♪ ♪

Okay.

Oh, wow, heavy.

(bottle clattering)

(panting)

You okay there?

Uh, not really.

Thank you so much.

I should really join a gym.

Well, this is it.

Thanks for letting me borrow your wheels.

(knocking)

Hey.

Hi.

I have for you, this...

They, um... they brought it to my house, but it should have been your house, which is where it is now, because of me bringing it. - Oh, brilliant!

That's my Carpe Diem beer.

You know, they only make a hundred cases of this a year.

You have to try one.

Sure, okay.

I'm... I'm Evie, by the way.

I'm Xavier.

I think we've, um, seen each other around the neighborhood, actually.

Really?

Huh.

So you like Whitesnake, Evie?

Yeah.

How did you...?

Oh! (laughs)

Right. I forgot I was wearing this.

I was wearing a lot of different things before, and then I was wearing this, and I still am, I guess.

You all right?

Oh...

Oh, the beer... it's turned.

It's real bad.

Yeah, no, it's sour beer.

Ugh. Ugh, exactly.

No, no, no, it's perfectly fine, it's just...

(laughs) ...it's just sort of an acquired taste.

Oh.

(chuckles)

Well, now I know why they only make a hundred cases a year.

Let me get you something else.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Wow, it's... it's like you live in a SkyMall catalog.

I know. Thanks.

Is this...

Did you hike the Inca trail to Machu Picchu?

Wow, I've always wanted to do that.

So why haven't you?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, traveling is expensive and...

Oh, thanks.

Work is really busy.

It just feels like there's never a good time.

Well, do you have some time right now?

For what?

Whatever you want.

(game dings, canned crowd cheers)

Evie, I've got a very serious question to ask you:

(laughs)

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the WNBA?

Oh, my gosh, your life is so much fun.

Right?

You must have a pretty good job.

Oh, no, no. Actually, I don't work.

What, so you just, like... you, like, rob banks or something?

Uh, no, I just don't think spending all day in a cubicle is the best way to live.

(game dings, canned crowd cheers)

Plus, I gotta live life while I can.

What does that mean?

Um... God, there's not really an easy way to say this.

Oh, my God. Are you sick?

No. No, no, no, nothing like that.

Then what?

What is it?

Um...

(sighs)

The world is ending.

Excuse me?

Humankind only has eight months and 12 days left on Earth.

You're serious?

Yeah. Yeah, the apocalypse is, um, you know... nigh.

(alarm blaring)

Yeah, well, it's certainly been interesting.

Hang on, hang on. Look, I get it.

You think I'm nuts.

No.

You're just, you're... you're not what I thought you'd be.

What's that?

Not... nuts.

Look, look, I used to be a regular guy, okay, with khaki slacks and a tie and a job.

Doing what?

Copy editing for a science magazine.

Xavier: And that's when I read about asteroid 2000 WX 354, and how it's gonna buzz past the Earth in eight months and 12 days.

But I believe, based on atmospheric expansion due to global warming, that there's gonna be an impact.

An asteroid is gonna crash into Earth?

Yes.

Then why hasn't NASA said anything about it?

Well, maybe they don't know about it.

Or maybe they do. I don't know.

They won't respond to me e-mails.

No, I think they would tell us if an asteroid was gonna hit us.

Would they? Would they?

Yes. Yes!

Unless they're scared everyone's gonna start freaking out.

This is preposterous.

No. Actually, it, um... it totally checks out. I, uh...

I did the math.

Oh, God.

Too much?

Yeah.

Too soon.

Why don't I show you?

Xavier: All right, you see that one in the top left?

It's just a little bit brighter than the others.

Yeah, kind of.

That's our boy.

Xavier: It's the size of Mount Everest, and it's headed right at us at 30,000 miles an hour, give or take.

Incidentally, have you ever climbed Mount Everest?

'Cause now would be the time.

If this is all true...

Which it is.

Well, then, why aren't you doing anything about it?

Why aren't you telling people?

Trust me, I've tried.

I've called everyone.

The White House, MIT, Oprah.

When that didn't work...

There's an asteroid headed towards Earth.

I don't know if you're interested in the apocalypse.

No?

Man: Yo!

So... we're all doomed?

No, no. We're all liberated.

No more flossing, no more separating whites and colors.

I'm racking up parking tickets and they're never gonna get paid.

It's great... I'm living life exactly on my own terms.

Wait, are you the guy that keeps parking on the sidewalk in front of the bank?

Yeah, I don't have time to wait for a spot to open.

We're all doomed. I mean... aren't there things you wish you never had to do again?

I mean... yeah.

Like what?

Like... wear a bra.

Love it. Lose it.

Deal with my obnoxious boss.

Sure. Yuck.

Go to a hospital.

I mean, if you're worried about your health, why would you ever go to the epicenter of germs?

All right, okay, I'll buy that.

What else?

And I would stop waxing, definitely.

Eyebrows, vag*na, moustache.

Sure. Yep, let it grow.

I mean, Tom Selleck's moustache made him a sexual icon.

(chuckles) Yeah.

The point is we have to stop doing all the things that we feel obligated to do and start doing the things that we want to do.

That's why I made this.

It's my apocalyst.

This is every fantasy I've ever had.

Every regret I want to fix, every wrong I want to right.

Every last thing I want to do before things go kaput.

I try and do one thing every day.

Pick one.

Pick one, we'll do it together.

(clears throat)

“Run with the bulls.”

”Try psychedelics.”

(laughs) ”Touch the North Pole.”

”Sleep with taco truck girl.”

”Sleep with other taco truck girl,” which is already...

That's crossed off, actually, yeah.

”Sleep with Andie MacDowell.”

Mm.

“Try to find hot rutabaga girl from the farmers' market.”

Wait a mi...

Am I “hot rutabaga girl”?

You remembered me?

Yeah, well, you make an impression.

(chuckles)

I mean, to be honest, I didn't even know if I was gonna see you again, and then you turn up on my doorstep like...

A statistical anomaly?

Well, I was gonna say fate, but... that's much more romantic.

So what do you say?

You in?

Let me, um... get back to you.

Hank, you're a conspiracy guy.

What do you think? He's nuts, right?

(laughing)

Totally nuts! All right?

An asteroid's not gonna destroy the world.

The Russians are.

Say again?

Nuclear holocaust.

I've spent the last four years hoarding office snacks that are high in preservatives to survive the fallout.

Gummies. That's your plan?

Yep. I also got a jar of pickles in the filing cabinet.

Now, you're heard of Jade Helm, right?

No.

On May 22, the U.S. m*llitary is conducting a massive so-called “training exercise,” code name “Jade Helm,” that involves ferrying all the government elite into deep, underground bunkers as “a drill.”

So?

So that's exactly what you do when there's a nuclear annihilation on the horizon.

And mark my words, I'm gonna fight my way up into that bunker... I'm gonna be all up in it.

Check this out.

I even got the day pre-approved for vacation by Deirdre.

Bam!

Hey, have you guys ever heard of Jade Helm?

Oh, is she the new judge on The Voice?

No, Mom.

I still think you should try out for that show, sweetheart.

No way!

Voice of an angel.

You would get a four-chair turn.

Mm, if she didn't faint from stage fright first.

Oh, or worse. Remember the fourth grade play?

Oh...

♪ Happy and... ♪

(retches, audience laughs)

Yeah, they called me Heavie Evie for years.

Oh, sweetie, they called you lots of things.

Blondie Blowchunks, Hurl Girl, Pukey Brewster.

Okay, yeah, great. That's probably enough.

Gwen Stebarfie.

That was a good one.

(laughter)

Mother: Is that Timothy?

I thought you two broke up.

Oh, I love him. But he is so quiet.

I wish he came with subtitles.

Hey there, Timothy. What a surprise.

What brings you here?

Anybody get that?

Yeah, he, uh... (clears throat)

He said he got a present for Tucker.

Oh!

Present!

(laughter)

What is it?

Kneepads?

What do you say, Tucker?

No, thank you.

(embarrassed chuckle)

Well, thank you, Timothy.

Tucker's mom appreciates it even if Tucker doesn't.

Thanks.

You are gonna make such a wonderful father someday.

Father: You're already one heck of a writer.

I read your article on crypto-currencies in the new issue of Wired there.

Didn't understand a lick of it, but I clipped it out and mailed it off to Evie.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

Yeah, he did.

It was sweet of you to get Tucker a gift, but people who are spending some time apart probably shouldn't be spending time together.

(clears throat) Unless one of them wants to spend forever together.

I know that sometimes I can be soft-spoken.

But today, I am not afraid to shout my love at peak volume.

(exhales)

(sighs)

Evie Marie Covington, your love was like a-a Trojan virus that snuck past my firewall and melted my motherboard.

I love you.

I-I love your kindness and your spazzy dance moves and your organized pen drawers.

But more than anything, I love the idea of-of you and I spending the next seven decades together...

Depending on advancements in biometrics, of course.

Will you make me (exhales) the happiest man in the observable universe and-and be my wife?

(quietly): Oh...

Oh, my gosh.

“Be my wife”" (chuckles)

I'm just...

Timothy!

That was so sweet, and such a surprise.

Uh...

Can you, can I... Just let me get back to you.

Okay?

Yeah.

Um... Yeah.

Sure. Y-You should, um... You can hold onto that Okay.

Un-until you're ready.

(quietly): I'm gonna stand up now.

What?

Uh, I said I'm gonna stand up now.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

(grunts)

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna head off.

♪ ♪

Let me get back to you? He's not offering you his extra ticket to a Mariners game.

Well, he caught me off guard, and I'm not saying no, I just need more time.

Well, what for?

He's kind, he's handsome, he's brilliant.

And he loves you just the way you are.

And if there's something you don't like about him, you can change it! That's what I did.

Now Chris just loves to vacuum.

And... if want to have kids...

I'm only 30!

Okay, I'm gonna break this down for you.

You're gonna have a whole year to plan the wedding, okay?

And then another year of good to decent married sex.

Three months, trying to get pregnant, nine months of being pregnant, and then, sweetie, suddenly, you're in your mid-30s!

Your eggs are basically cooked.

Scrambled.

It's like a three-day-old quiche in there.

Well, I'll freeze my eggs, then.

It's not now or never.

We just... want to make sure you're not missing out on something great.

(exhales)

♪ ♪

(phone chimes)

(phone clicks)

Hey.

(chuckles)

So, they mistakenly delivered this flavorless light beer on my porch, and I figured... must be yours.

Oh, right, yeah. Because you prefer the, uh, carbonated sewage runoff.

So, look... now you've had some time to think about it, what do you say?

Pick one off the list?

Why me, of all people?

(squealing playfully)

Hey, hey, hey.

(gasps) Boo.

(laughs)

Evie: Oh! You're so cute!

Aw, bye, honey bunny.

(chuckles) Mwah.

Excuse me, sir.

What kind of listeria precautions do you take with your rutabagas?

(chuckles)

Why you?

'Cause I like your bum.

Because you're charming.

And you're funny.

And you're awkward, which is also funny.

And I want to spend time with you.

And your bum. I want to spend time with both of you.

Come on. Just think of it as giving a dying man his last wish.

All right. Give me the list.

There we go. Okay, just... (clears throat) dive in, don't think about it. First thing you see. - Okay.

Mm...

♪ ♪

Uh... how about number three: “Talk to Dad”?

Um... no... okay. Not ready for that one.

Yet.

It's okay, just pick another.

We'll... we'll find one.

Okay, okay. Um...

Mm. Number 12:

“Go to the beach with Jesse.”

The beach... is in St. Croix and my cousin Jesse is... (chuckles) in federal prison.

For tax fraud.

But just now, maybe...

We'll... pin it. Pin it.

Yes. Okay.

Okay. Um...

“Take a joyride with Big Carl”?

Yeah, I think I've got an extra helmet somewhere.

(wind whistling)

(engines roaring)

Holy smokes!

Carl!

Y'all ready to eat some dust?

♪ ♪

Wait, this is safe, right?

Not if you're doing it right.

♪ That you're alive and have a soul ♪

(cackles)

(screams)

♪ But it takes someone to come around ♪
♪ To show you how ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪

(continues screaming)

(whooping)

♪ I'm on fire ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ Than I've ever been ♪
♪ And it takes a song to come around to show you how ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ I'm alive ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ I'm on fire ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ Take me higher ♪
♪ Than I've ever been ♪

Can we go again?

Carl, you heard the lady! Let's go!

(Evie screaming happily)

♪ I'm alive ♪

(giggles)

(coughs, chuckles)

♪ I'm on fire ♪
♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ Take me higher than I've ever been ♪
♪ My heart is my armor ♪
♪ She's the tear ♪
♪ In my heart ♪

Hank: Some Like it Hot?

Or was it Love Nest?

Okay, ten seconds left, folks.

What 1952 screwball comedy starred Cary Grant and Marilyn Monroe?

What?

It's Monkey Business!

Okay!

♪ Oh ♪

Point to Mumble in the Jungle!

(laughs) Oh!

You guys are on fire!

(chuckles) Sweet T, you are a rock star!

Yeah. Tell that to Evie.

Look, it's a big decision.

I'm sure she's just giving it some real thought.

♪ She's the tear in my heart ♪
♪ Take me farther ♪
♪ Than I've ever been ♪

(alarm blaring)

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Xavier: Hey.

I, um...

I discovered something last night.

Hmm?

Somehow...

“Sleep with hot rutabaga girl” appeared on my list like 14 more times.

(giggles)

I don't know how that happened.

I feel... like we better get cracking.

Wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait, wait.

Huh?

What time is it?

I don't know.

Morning.

Mm.

(gasps) Crap, I have to get to work.

(groans)

Skip it.

Oh, I wish I could, but I can't.

Come to the beach with me. I'll teach you how to surf.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

Perfect.

But my boss...

Ugh.

Demon breath.

Yep.

She hates when I'm late, or tired, or generally... human, at all, so I better boogie.

Okay, fine.

But tonight... we're going to do something off your list.

Well, I don't... I don't have a list.

Well, what's something you've always wanted to do?

Okay, um...

Mm. Okay...

I've always wondered... what would actually happen if you put aluminum foil in the microwave?

What's something else you've wanted to do?

Bigger than that.

What? That seems pretty big.

It's like, sparks, maybe a fire...

Okay, yeah, sure, but dig deep, something bigger.

I don't know, maybe try a pogo stick?

Okay.

What would you do if you only had eight months left to live?

Don't think about it, the first thing that comes into your head.

Just go.

Sing in public.

Sing in... yes.

No.

Yes.

No, absolutely not, no, no, no.

I wish, I wish I was that person, but I'm not, I can't do that.

I could not do that at all.

Okay. All right.

All right, fine.

But we're gonna continue this discussion tonight.

Over drinks.

Deal.

Okay.

Also, before you go, there's one more thing I want to say.

(game dings, canned crowd cheers)

(men laughing)

What is going on here?

Deirdre's gonna rip you a new one!

No, no, I realized something this morning.

Why can't work be fun?

So I told them that if they doubled their output, they could play basketball, and guess what?

It worked! They actually listened to me!

(chuckles) Uh, All right, everyone, time's up!

Finish the day strong and we'll see about badminton tomorrow.

Yeah? Whoo!

(excited murmuring)

(sighs happily)

Such a good day.

Are you feeling okay?

I feel great. I'm meeting Xavier at City Taproom for happy hour tonight.

Oh, cool.

Are you celebrating your engagement to Timothy?

I can't make a decision about that until I get this Xavier thing out of my system.

Oh, he's already been in your system?

(grunts rhythmically)

Don't be... Don't!

(rock song ends, patrons cheering, phone buzzing)

(whoops)

(phone vibrating)

Man: All right, party people, how you all doing tonight?

(cheering and applause)

The only thing I love more than rock and roll is a rockin' raffle.

And tonight's big winner is...

Evie Covington.

(cheering and applause)

Are you out there, Evie?

Yeah, she's right here!

No, I didn't, I didn't enter a raffle.

That's so weird. Right here.

Man: Get up here, darling, claim your prize.

Um, what did I, what did I win?

The right to rock!

Oh, no, no, no. (stammers)

(”Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake plays)

(whoops) You can do it, Evie!

You are familiar with Whitesnake, yeah?

All right.

(quietly): ♪ I don't know where I'm goin' ♪
♪ But I sure know ♪
♪ Where I've been ♪
♪ Hanging on the promises ♪
♪ Of the songs of yesterday ♪
♪ I've made up my mind ♪
♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪

Evie, I'm gonna keep on stripping until you start singing for real.

Which is, um, gonna be very embarrassing for... well, mainly me.

(crowd gasps and cheers)

(louder): ♪ Oh, Lord, I pray ♪
♪ You give me strength to carry on ♪
♪ 'Cause I know what it means ♪
♪ To walk along ♪
♪ The lonely street of dreams ♪
♪ And here I go again on my own ♪
♪ Going down the only road I've ever known ♪
♪ Like a drifter, I was born ♪
♪ To walk alone ♪
♪ And I've made up my mind ♪
♪ I ain't wasting no more time ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Here I go again ♪
♪ Here I go... ♪

(cheering and applause)

Here's to conquering your fears.

Evie, what the frickin' heck did you do?

Oh, Whitesnake! It was pretty epic. - No, this.

Deirdre forwarded this to me.

Oh, my God.

“Petty, vindictive tyrant?

I hereby resign from this hellhole.”

No...

She made me clean out your desk.

Your stuff is in my hatchback.

No, but I didn't write this!

Xavier: I wrote it for you.

You did what?

You needed a nudge.

Life's too short to waste in a place like that, Evie.

What the hell is wrong with you?

(gasps)

Thank you, Hank.

d*ck!

You know, you really are out of your mind!

You'll thank me one day.

One of the 248 we've got left.

(breathing heavily): Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so stupid.

I'm so stupid.

What am I gonna do?

Hi, um, can you ov...

(doorbell rings)

Just hang on.

You needed me?

Wait, so who is this guy?

How do you know him?

He's, um...

They delivered a package for him here by mistake and I returned it.

And he just... he just started stalking you?

Do we need to think about a restraining order?

I know a guy.

No, it's... more complicated than that.

I see.

It was a mistake and it's ovenow.

I just...

I need to get my job back.

Okay.

Okay, here's what you do.

Tomorrow morning just go into Deirdre's office and say...

As you can see, my computer has a different IP address than the one that sent you that nasty e-mail.

So, you're saying someone else sent this?

Yes.

Some wackadoo hacked my account.

Believe me, there is nothing I want more than this job.

Because it is such a great place to work.

And you are... an incredible and... inspiring person to work for.

So you don't think that I, quote, “Look like Judge Judy's birth mother”?

No.

Or that my breath smells like a loaf of freshly baked barf?

Deirdre, I find you and your breath just... delightful.

Good.

I am glad to hear that.

Because I would (breathy): hate to hear that you haven't been happy here.

Oh.

Fine.

Since yesterday was the most productive day your team has had all year, I will rehire you.

On one condition.

Anything.

I'm sure you've noticed I harbor feelings for Hank that go beyond appreciation for his ext eme competence as an assistant.

Oh...

Yeah, you two have a lot of, a lot of chemistry.

(toilet flushes)

Safe to go in there?

Uh, I'd give it a minute.

I appreciate your honesty, Hank.

The connection is palpable, yet he seems unaware of our potential.

So I will require your assistance to win his affections.

These are the HR guidelines for interoffice fraternization.

Study them.

Like all good love stories, our romance must be both passionate and legally permissible.

(loud bang)

(gasps)

(laughs)

(thud, Evie grunts)

(car alarm beeping)

Oh, my God.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

(car alarm continues beeping)

Um... uh, a pogo accident.

(monitor beeping rhythmically)

(exhales)

Well, this is embarrassing.

Just relax, please, ma'am.

You know what? I actually feel pretty good.

I-I don't really do hospitals, so I think I'm gonna j... I'm just gonna, um...

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have to wait for the doctor.

Geez, I feel like such a klutz.

How did I even get here?

Your boyfriend called an ambulance.

He's been out sitting in the waiting room for hours.

My...?

(indistinct announcement over P.A.)

Want me to go get him for you?

No. Absolutely not.

He's not my boyfriend.

He's a crazy person.

He's the entire reason why I'm even here.

Okay, Evie.

In terms of the fall, it's pretty minor, just a mild concussion.

Great.

I'll just... I'll just, I'll take some aspirin and just get out of your hair.

But we did find a problem with your heart.

What kind of problem?

You have Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome.

This means there's an extra electrical pathway in your heart that's causing it to b*at too fast.

Wh... How serious is it?

We're gonna need to get you into surgery immediately.

(monitor beeping rhythmically)

Man: Count backward from 100.

100...

99...

90... eight months... asteroid...

SkyMall...

(indistinct announcement over P.A.)

How do you feel, sweetheart?

I feel... really happy to see you guys.

You're out of the woods now, honey.

Doctor said you are as good as new.

And early detection is key in cases like this.

It's just lucky you're such a klutz.

Are you saying a pogo stick crash saved my life?

(laughs)

Here's a sentence I never thought I would say: Thank goodness you were not wearing a helmet.

(laughing)

Honey.

Honey.

No, I'm good.

All good. I am just gonna live my life.

Honey.

Do my thang!

Oh!

(laughing): As soon as the painkillers wear off.

I'm gonna do my thang.

Yeah, yeah.

(laughs) Yeah.

(quietly): Just four.

I'm sorry. What?

I...

Uh...

Hi.

You-you look... you look great.

Uh, you want a beer?

I don't want to get married.

So, no beer?

It's not because I don't think you're a great guy.

You are.

I'm just, I'm...

I'm not ready.

Is this because of that other guy?

The one who sent the e-mail?

No, it's-it's... it's not about...

I'm just...

I'm not ready to get married.

It doesn't mean I won't ever be.

I get it.

I'm not exciting, but I am reliable... and that makes me a great backup plan.

You're not a backup plan.

You're right.

I-I'm not.

And w-when it falls apart with this guy... and it will...

I'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces.

Okay?

I-I-I get to move on, too.

Even though it'll be unbelievably hard.

I have to move on.

Okay?

And... and I will.

Um...

I... but I did order food here, so... uh, s-so maybe... maybe you leave.

Oh... sure.

(exhales)

Hey, I was...

Shut up, listen.

I don't care if an asteroid's gonna k*ll us all.

No, I mean, no, of course would care, if it's true, but my point is, I'm the one who decides how I live my life, not you.

And I'm keeping my job.

In fact, I'm going to apply for a new position there that I'm incredibly excited about and I finally feel ready for and, yeah, maybe you helped me learn to seize the day, but I will be seizing it at my own pace, thank you very much.

Okay.

In addition, I like your... bum, too, probably more than you like mine.

(chuckles)

Man, I doubt that.

Plus, you... kind of saved my life.

So, now I want to make the most of it and I think we should keep hanging out.

You made a list.

Yeah, I did.

I happen to love lists.

And this way we can do one off of yours and then one off of mine.

It's only fair.

Honestly, I can't think of a better way to spend my last eight months.

Shall we do another?

Can I borrow your microwave?

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

(electricity crackling)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

(loud pop)

(screams)

(laughs)

Okay. You were right.

That was way cooler than I expected.

See?

I told you.

Yeah, you did.

Which leads me to a very serious question.

Okay, what is it?

What's next?

♪ You and I both know that the house is haunted. ♪

(pounding on door)

Jesse!

Cuz, we did it.

(laughs)

I need a change of clothes, I need hair dye and I need whatever tool takes these off my body.

Holy smokes!

What? We've only got eight months left to live.

He's not gonna waste it in prison.

(sirens wailing)

The fuzz!