01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

[CORK POPS]

[CRASHING]

Nothing.

[GIGGLING]

Good start.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh.

Thank you.

Hmm?

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm.

Good?

Emma?

Daniel?

Can I just say... you look fat and your dress is terrible.

[LAUGHS]

So, you look great.

Thank you.

I got you something.

Oh, thank you.

A... necklace?

A locket.

Look inside.

It's you.

Yeah.

Okay, two things.

Thank you, um, and I don't want it.

Because it's a necklace? Grow up.

No.

Men can wear necklaces.

Yeah, but not with a photo of their best friend in a love heart.

What's Josh gonna think?

He has my real heart.

Eww.

Listen, you're going overseas.

Tasmania.

Your mum's dying.

Having a minor back operation.

You're gonna run her business and you're terrible at business.

Am I? Because she's asked for my help and she's never done that before so she must think I've got some skills, hm.

I just don't think you've prepared yourself for how this is gonna affect you.

What?

Missing me.

I'm not gonna miss someone spewing in my dishwasher.

Well, you shouldn't have left it open.

You're right. I was... I was asking for it.

You're acting really ungrateful.

Sorry.

It was just a little weird, is all.

You know what? Give it back.

No, give it back. You don't want it.

No, no, no, no.

You obviously don't want it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm being silly. It is the best.

Thank you.

So are you gonna wear it?

Yeah.

[GIGGLES] You put on a locket.

Okay.

I'm getting married, I'm not going to w*r, you idiot.

[CAR HORN TOOTS]

I thought there was a trap.

We gotta go.

Okay.

I just need your help with something first.

This is nice.

Are you peeing?

I think so.

You're being a really great bridesmaid.

Do I have to do this at the wedding, as well?

If you want to.

No.

Okay, I'm finished.

Well, what do we do now?

I dunno.

[SONG] ♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪
♪ I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ If we find ♪
♪ Somewhere we feel that we belong ♪
♪ If we can right all the wrongs ♪
♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

(MAN ON CD) Remember, you're not just in charge of a business, you're in charge of you.

The past is a picture. Now is a mirror.

The future is a blank canvas.

You could draw a lion, that's you as a lion.

[POLICE SIREN CHIRPS]

[CAR HORN TOOTS]

Danny McCallum?

It's Daniel.

Thought it was you. Welcome back.

Sergeant Hardwick?

[CHORTLES] Yeah. Oh, Greg, please. You're an adult now.

Remember I used to do talks at your school?

Uhh... yeah, bullying.

Stop bringing it on yourself.

Very powerful.

Never seemed to work with you, though, Danny.

Kids loved to bully ya. Especially my son.

Sorry about Bruce.

It's probably just... just the red hair.

No, I don't think so.

So, what happened? You couldn't hack it on the mainland?

Uh, well, actually, I've come to, uh, fill in for my mum at the real estate agency.

Barbara?

Yeah.

Ohh. Big shoes to fill.

I used to try my mum's shoes as a kid, so...

Ah, you wear your mother's shoes?

Not anymore.

Anyway, good to see you.

Yeah, yeah, look, uh, I'll let ya go. We'll grab a beer sometime.

Definitely, definitely. See ya later.

[SIGHS]

[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Sorry, did you want to get the beer now or...?

Uh, no, no. I... forgot to give you your ticket.

You were speeding back there.

I'll see ya later.

[CAR STARTS]

[CAR HORN TOOTS]

[DOOR ENTRANCE DINGS FLATLY]

Hello.

Hi, uh, Mrs Marsh. It's... it's me. Daniel.

I know. I used to babysit you.

Yeah, I know. It's... it's been, like, 10 years.

I've been... How are you?

Good. Good.

You've had a haircut.

Yeah, I've had heaps.

Anyway, good to see you.

Office looks... good.

Is Mum around?

Nope.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, do you mind if I get that? I'm keen to get started.

[TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Thank you for choosing McCallum Real Estate. This is Daniel.

Uh, Daniel.

Uh, Barbara's son.

Uh, no, no. Barbara's not here.

Um, is there anything I can do for you?

(MAN) Hey!

Hi.

You took your time.

Yeah, sorry. Uh, Terry. Daniel.

Don't worry about that.

Open the bloody door!

Yes. Of course.

[PANTING]

(MAN) Oh, Jesus Christ.

(WOMAN) What?!

What have you done?

[SLAMS DOOR]

Hi. I'm sorry, uh... who are you?

We live here.

Right. Uh, I... I assumed the place was empty.

Terry reckons because he's the landlord he can just come in whenever he wants and use the bathroom.

I'm sorry, what?

I caught him having a shower once.

Hm.

I had to throw out my loofah.

Yeah, we had his key taken away and you bloody let him in again.

How'd you get a key?

Uh, no, sorry. I'm, uh... I'm Barbara's son. I'm Daniel.

I'm the new real estate agent.

[DOOR OPENS, TOILET FLUSHES]

Whew. That was close.

You can't keep doing this, Terry.

It's my house.

Yeah. You don't live here anymore.

Well, tell him.

Terry, don't you have your own toilet?

On the other side of town but, uh, I fish down the road.

Where else am I supposed to go?

The bushes?

For number twos? Get real.

[BOTH GROAN IN DISGUST]

Terry, on the lease agreement it states you can't enter the property without giving the tenants proper notice.

I'm the landlord.

Yes...

I let them stay here out of the... goodness of my heart.

Oh, we pay rent, Terry.

I can't use my own toilet?

He pisses on the seat.

It's my seat.

I'm changing the bloody locks.

Uh, no, no, it's...

I'll break a window.

I don't care because they're my windows.

Okay, well...

Smash a window and I'll smash you!

Guys.

I feel another one coming on.

No, Terry.

Don't even think about it.

Babe. Babe!

Uh...

[SCUFFLING]

Stop, Terry!

Um, sorry, if you just...

Terry! Get off him!

[SCUFFLING]

Hello? Uh... guys... if you could just...

Terry!

Listen for one second. Uh...

[SCUFFLING CONTINUES]

All of ya, shut up!

Hi, Mum.

Um...

Thanks for your help in there.

You're not even supposed to be in the office until tomorrow.

Well, I was just trying to let someone into their house.

How was I supposed to know he's...?

You shouldn't have gone off without me.

Is your back okay?

Fine.

Ya eaten?

Uh, no.

Just head home.

I'll see ya there tonight.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Love you.

Did I tell you I was thinking about buying a mountain bike?

Yes.

Good.

I wasn't sure if I had... told you.

Looking forward to starting tomorrow.

I've got a few ideas...

You're just covering while I have the operation.

Yeah, but I just want to...

Your job is to answer the phone and make sure we don't have any ants in the kitchenette.

Yeah, I know, but if I'm gonna be taking over one day I wanna...

That's funny, I don't remember asking you to take over.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Do you have any other children I'm not aware of?

Daniel, I just need you to answer the phone and babysit.

No surprises.

Fine.

Oh, thank God!

The last three houses I went to thought I was a stripper-gram.

Is this where you grew up?

What are you...?

Wow. It looks so great. Oh!

Um, Em, what are you doing here?

Oh, Tasmania had a particularly nice weather forecast this week.

Hello.

Aren't you supposed to be in Bali?

I'm fine, thank you. Are you gonna introduce me?

Um, Mum, this is Emma.

Um, she's... visiting.

Emma, this is my mum, Barbara.

Daniel's told me a lot about you over the years.

Oh, it's all lies.

I certainly hope so.

[KNOCKS GENTLY ON DOOR]

Are you masturbating?

Yes. Over this.

You look like a mad scientist who's accidentally turned himself into a child. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

Very kind.

Um, can we talk about what happened now?

We can talk about what just happened.

Robert De Niro movie, which was, frankly, underrated.

Emma, you've had a fight and panicked.

You can't just run to me anymore. Does Josh know where you are?

Yes.

No.

You're married now.

He left.

He left me. Yes.

On our honeymoon, which turns out is a thing that can happen, that I didn't even know I was supposed to be worried about.

Um...

I'm sorry.

I thought the honeymoon period was supposed to last the honeymoon.

Apparently he's been thinking about it for a long time, which is humiliating.

Then... then why the wedding?

Well, he thinks he was in denial.

And I was so excited about the wedding that he c... I dunno.

And then we had this big fight, and, um...

Can I break this?

I actually had that since I was a kid.

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

[CLATTERS]

We were at this restaurant on the beach and they had these, um, tanks of live lobsters and I was drinking and I thought they looked so sad so I grabbed one.

Out of the t*nk?

Yeah, and I ran down the beach towards the water to, you know, set it free.

That's very good of you.

Well, I didn't make it.

The waiter att*cked me before I could get it there.

Anyway, Josh was furious.

He said I'd embarrassed him again, and he couldn't do it anymore.

Well, that sucks, Em.

And the lobster pinched me.

Can I do anything?

Uh...

Clothes? [SNIFFS]

My suitcase is mainly sarongs and lingerie. [SNIFFS]

My wardrobe too.

We'll sort something out.

Thanks.

That's fine.

If you need me, I'm right next door.

I know. Goodnight.

Goodnight, Em.

I'm not in bed yet.

Oh, yep, sorry.

Is that a glass of milk?

Yes.

It's for cereal.

It's also for drinking.

Are you Santa Claus?

I need to stop in at the doctors before we go in today.

Emma?

Yes?

What are your plans?

Uhh... I thought I'd come with you.

I'm going to work.

He's going to work.

Yeah, I know. Please?

I'll stay out of the way. I just need the distraction.

I just can't think about my life too much right now.

Well, you can't come into the office looking like that.

I feel like bunion is wasted on a foot condition.

It's a fun word.

Bunion.

Hm.

I'm sure one of them is... dying, or something.

All done. Congratulations on the baby, you two.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

Thanks.

Probably be a sh*t baby, I think.

If you have any more questions, Barbara, just call my mobile.

I know.

Grace.

Hi, Daniel.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry I'm not more excited to see you.

I've known for a few weeks that you were coming back, and for the last 20 minutes that you were sitting out here.

Um, wh... what are you...

What are you doing here?

Uh, my rural placement.

I can't wait to get out, to be honest.

No offence, Barbara.

I don't care.

Uh, sorry, this is, uh, Grace.

Hi.

Hi.

I haven't seen you since, um...

We broke up.

Yes.

Oh, you're Grace? Oh, I have heard so many...

Uh, it's good to... uh, stop.

Has he talked...

No, but... Stop, please.

Oh.

It's good to see you. You look, um... you look... look great.

I've lost 30 kilos.

Well, it is a lot of, um, kilos.

Well, it's just maths in the end.

You eat less calories than your body needs for fuel and you'll lose weight.

Uhh, it is maths. Um...

I mean, there's the number pi and then there's real pies.

I mean, you wouldn't want to eat 3.14 pies if you're losing weight.

I'm sorry.

Daniel, the surgeon will send through a list of instructions for Barbara after her operation.

Make sure she follows them.

I'm standing here.

I will. I will.

It's nothing.

No, it's not nothing, Barbara. It's a spinal fusion.

Will Mum still be able to go to the toilet by herself?

Jesus.

Yes.

You should come and see me some time.

Uh...

Yeah, I'd love to.

I'd, um... I'd love that, yeah.

You love getting a check-up?

Yes.

See ya later.

Nailed it.

There's two men in town both called Dave Gouling.

If one calls and he sounds old, he's one of our best tenants.

If he's got a high voice, it's the other Dave.

Hang up on him. He's prank calling ya.

Okay.

Sorry, is this the whole thing?

Yeah.

This is all of it?

Yeah, the whole town's like one supermarket aisle.

I love it! It's like a toy town.

Is that a craft shop?

How long?

Just a little while if that's okay.

Is it a drug thing?

Nope.

Is it normal her turning up on your doorstep?

Yes, but please do not ask too many questions.

She's pretty upset right now.

Did you see that guy in that car did a country "I know you" nod to a lady on the street.

Do you want one?

Yeah.

Seems upset.

Does her family know about this?

Uh, I'm sure they do.

Sorry, that can't be right.

The 24-hour emergency butcher?

Emergency butcher? That's so weird.

The woman who owns it, Liz out the back, says she keeps it open.

What's so weird about that?

Nothing.

It is weird, right?

Yeah.

The printer only takes paper from the blue tray.

The paper in the red tray won't work.

Why do we have that paper, then?

Make sure you use the white vinegar under the sink to clean the mould in the bathroom.

Yeah, Mum, that's more of a life tip.

Is there anything work-related I can help you with today?

An inspection? Follow up on a listing?

We're out of milk.

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

Hi, Mum. Um, Bali is lovely.

No diarrhoea yet, no.

Um, I know I haven't put any photos up yet but we're just... we're just really busy having a really good time.

Oh. Oh, you know, like, um, yesterday we were on the beach and had a coconut fight.

Yes, it was dangerous.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

McCallum Real Estate.

Hi, June.

You're sh1tting me.

I'll be right there.

Sounds like 40 Katherine Street's got a dog again.

I'm going round. I can handle this.

What?

The dog, let me take care of it.

Like yesterday?

Well, that was a bit weird but this isn't.

Just tell the tenant they can't have a dog. Easy.

Whoo, sounds exciting. Can I come?

Yeah, it'll be like work experience.

Aren't you a bit old for work experience?

Yeah.

Must be great having him here to help out.

Two real estate agents in the one family.

What are the chances?

What are the chances?

Fine. Let's see how you go.

Yes. Thank you. You made the right choice. Put 'em in.

Mum's not keen. Let's go.

Alrighty, who have we got?

Bruce... Nup. We're leaving.

What?

It's Bruce Hardwick's house.

Who?

Bruce Hardwick, he used to bully me at school.

I'm not... I can't go in there.

Are you serious? School was ages ago.

Yeah, but he was relentless. He stole my undies once.

Ohh, that's nothing.

I was wearing them.

Even got my safety pair.

He won't recognise you.

I can't risk it.

You told your mum you'd take care of it.

Well, she's probably forgotten. It was like 10 minutes ago.

Hey, do you know why I'm here?

Because of the honeymoon thing?

Well, yeah.

But also, to watch my best friend kick arse at real estate.

Have I wasted a trip?

No.

Yes!

All right, give me a sec.

[KNOCKS HARD ON DOOR]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm a lion.

You're a what?

[SINISTER MUSIC]

Hello?

Hello?!

What are you guys doing here?

[BOTH START]

Um, hi, ah, Bruce.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We're from the real estate agency.

Uh, y-y-your door was unlocked, so we just...

Oh.

Yeah, I always think, uh... locks are keeping me in rather than keeping people out.

Cool.

Yeah, we had a call you might be keeping a dog here.

No. No dogs here.

All right, thanks for your time.

Would you hang on? I mean...

There... there's a dog bowl right there.

So what?

Yeah, so what?

Could be anyone's.

Daniel!

You're not Danny McCallum, are ya?

Uh...

[CHORTLES]

I haven't seen you since school.

Where have you been?

Well, actually, I've been on the mainland. Came back to...

You couldn't hack it?

Well...

What did you used to stick up your butthole?

What?

Yeah, you used to stick stuff up ya butthole. What was it?

No, that was a song you made up about me. It never happened.

This guy could not take a joke.

This one time, we chucked him off this cliff...

Hey! It's awful those things you did to him back then, and it's awful you bringing them up now, okay?

So what if he used to stick stuff up his butthole?

Em...

He was young. He was experimenting.

I didn't stick anything up my butthole.

How is that helping?

You should be proud of yourself.

Bruce, we're here to talk about your dog.

Bones.

[DOG PANTS, WALKS INTO ROOM]

See?

That is the biggest dog I've ever seen.

[CLATTERS]

Not doing anything.

It's like three dogs in a dog suit.

Bruce, you can't have a dog here. It's in the lease.

What am I supposed to do? k*ll it?

No, isn't there someone you can leave him with?

No one will take him, he's a menace.

I don't think you could k*ll it.

We should call Barbara.

I'm not calling Barbara.

She might be able to help.

No, no, no, definitely no.

No, no, no. Not on my first...

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get some paperwork from the... the car.

[DOG GRUNTS]

Yeah, I'll miss him.

Thanks, Bruce. We really appreciate it.

I'll just need a couple more hours just to say goodbye.

Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever you need.

Thanks, Bruce.

How did you...?

Just kept being charming until he agreed to give it to a friend.

And he was fine with that?

Yeah. I mean, it's not like he can't visit him.

And I told him this way, he doesn't have to clean up after him either.

He just gets to do fun hanging out stuff.

You know, deep down, everyone just wants to be a weekend dad.

Okay, well... Great.

Um, good. Uh... thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, when we tell Mum...

Totally.

Bullshit.

It's true. Dan convinced him to get someone to take the dog.

Daniel?

Ah, yeah, yeah.

He came around eventually once I took him through the lease.

Impressed?

A little.

Put 'em in.

You know how this works, right, Mum?

I'll always be on my mobile.

You've got the number for the landline for the hospital?

Yes. Yes. Mum, I could've driven you.

Call me any time.

Yes.

Any time I have any questions about anything, I will.

Ah. Oh!

Sorry, you okay?

Yeah.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Emma?

Yes?

Stay away from the dishwasher.

Bye, Mum.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Shotgun your mum's bed.

Nooo. No.

I'm married.

Yeah.

Am I supposed to do something about that?

I mean, technically, right now, I am married but I am single.

What do you wanna do?

I... have no idea.

Well...

I was thinking, if you are gonna stick around a little longer... maybe you might like to work with me.

Hm?

If you hadn't been there today I never would've gone to Bruce's house.

You would've.

Nah, no, I wouldn't have.

I mean, how... how would you feel about helping me out at the office?

I don't want to do any work.

Well, we can discuss that but... it'll be more fun with you there.

Well, obviously.

Arrogant.

I'll need shampoo.

Pharmacy's closed.

I can get you a steak.

So you can stick it up your butthole?

I'm glad you're staying.

[CAR APPROACHES, HORN BEEPS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Bruce?

Hey.

Where'd you want the dog?

What?

We might have a dog now. Anything we should know?

Yeah, he bites and he hasn't had any of his sh*ts.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Oh, here we go.

Time to real estate.

(WOMAN) The locksmith's retired.

I do not want Damien Nedbit sneaking around my laundry, putting my pegs on himself.

Is there a code of ethics for locksmiths?

I just cut keys.

I like him. Upstanding citizen, completely trustworthy.

So ya haven't been breaking into our homes and stealing our things?!

He didn't take anything.

I did.

Dammit.

[DOG BARKS]

(EMMA) Why didn't you get a steak?

She only had sausages.

Did you get lamb and rosemary?

No.

You should've. Or pork and fennel.

It's for a dog.

[DOG BARKS]

Run.

[GROWLS VICIOUSLY]