01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

[Chews loudly]

I can't stand it.

What?

The way you eat.

What do you mean?

I hate the way you eat.

Why?

You sound like a horse walking.

[Mimics horse walking]

I never know whether you're having a sandwich or there's a cowboy coming.

Well, you've never had a problem with it before.

I know, and I hate that I do now.

Is this what happens when you spend too much time with someone.

No, it's... it's fine. When... when you drink your tea, you go, "ahh!".

Makes me want to throw the tea in your face.

That's a bit harsh.

I'd wait till it cooled down.

Thanks.

Ah!

[Chews loudly]

Ah!

Om nom nom! Nom nom!

Ah! Oh, yeah!

Nom nom, nom nom!

Nom, nom, nom!

Ah!

Nom, nom, nom! Nom, nom, nom!

Oh, that's good tea!

♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ even if the pace is slow ♪
♪ oh, I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ if we find ♪
♪ something to feel that we belong ♪
♪ if we can right all the wrong ♪
♪ oh, I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

Mum, are you sure you need to come in today?

You're supposed to be resting.

I did, last night.

No, that was sleeping. You rest during the day.

Is Emma coming? We need to get going.

Emma: I'm coming!

Small disaster.

I dreamt I ironed this, but I didn't.

We need to get going. You can meet us there.

No, I just need to iron it. I'll be super quick.

It's fine. You can take Daniel's car.

Please don't crash it.

I mean, I know you wouldn't do that on purpose, but just please be careful.

Also, please don't change my seat settings or radio settings. Okay? Thank you.

Hey, do you know where there are any sick jumps?

Funny!

[Slides door closed]

[Knock at door]

Morning.

Yeah, sorry to interrupt I'm just working down there on the road.

Could I use your bathroom?

Oh, of course. Come in.

Good.

It's all right. It's just on the right.

Right.

[Door closes, shower curtain rustles]

[Shower runs]

[Whiteboard marker squeaks]

Daniel: Come on.

Barbara: Where's my stapler?

Hm?

Don't move it again.

Mum, are you... are you ready?

For what?

B-bace.

B-what?

Okay, it means...

What's this?

Oh, that's Emma.

She says if you smile while you talk, people can hear it on the phone.

Listen.

Thank you for choosing McCallum real estate. This is Daniel.

Thank you for choosing McCallum real estate. This is Daniel.

She... she is helping.

How?

Well for starters, she's part of this.

B-bace, boosting brand awareness through community engagement.

The marker ran out before I finished.

I'm going to take your silence as excitement.

It's not.

Okay, two ideas.

First idea, Em and I are gonna go door to door, offering free appraisals.

Good.

Hm?

Good. It's about time you got a bit more proactive.

Okay, sorry. Your support, uh, threw me a little.

Uh, second idea, I've booked us a regular spot on the regional roundup.

Just once a month, talking real estate.

Might bring a few new people our way.

Good.

Hm?

I don't like talking on those shows, but if you do, go ahead.

Grace does that slot.

Grace?

Mm. She talks health stuff.

That's where I learned if you've got a migraine, you should sniff an apple.

Is that...

Just don't be surprised if none of it works.

Not everyone wants to be bothered at home, and even less like having their music replaced by people talking about real estate.

Oh, Mum, it's going to work.

I'm, uh, turning up the B-bace on this one.

Had that in my pocket all morning.

Where are you going?

[Sighs]

I'm gonna go sniff an apple.

[Phone rings]

Emma: Hello?

Daniel: Em, it's 10:00 AM. You still haven't left yet?

If you want to impress Mum, this isn't a great move.

I know.

Did you tell her about B-bace?

Yeah. She liked it. She said, "good".

Did she?

That's great!

Yeah, but you're supposed to be doing it with me.

I don't want to doorknock by myself.

Yeah, I know. I'm coming.

Oh, and Grace is doing the same slot on the radio.

Are you going to strip to your undies and try and kiss her again?

Mm, good one. How far away are you?

I am trying. It's just... there's a road worker in the shower.

There's... there's a what?

He asked to use the bathroom, so I assumed he meant the toilet.

Oh, no!

He's been in there for half an hour.

Em, everyone knows you do not let council workers in.

What?

What are you talking about?

If you let one in, they think they can all come in.

They're not vampires.

You seriously don't know about this.

No! Is this some weird country rule no one's ever heard of?

Em, everyone knows about this, okay. Just... just tell him to leave.

Fine!

But... but don't piss him off or he'll park a bulldozer in our driveway or something.

What?

Last time I visited, I tripped on a traffic cone.

I got angry with them, and they glued it to the top of my car.

Well... how am I supposed to get rid of him, then?

Just... politely.

[Door opens]

Oh, thanks. Great pressure.

Isn't it? Anyway, I've got to go to work.

So if you don't mind...

[Knock at door]

Man: Hey!

Where did you come from?

Sorry. I knocked, but...

Mick, did you just have a shower? You're the worst.

Sorry about him.

Uh...

Oh.

I hate to ask, but do you mind if I just heat up my breakfast?

I forgot to eat before I left because I'm an idiot.

Oh, I've gotta go.

Yeah, it'll just take a second.

Oh, the kitchen's over there.

That is really cool of you. Thanks.

Hey, put the kettle on, will you please, mate?

Yeah, mate!

[Tap runs]

Woman: Hello!

Hi.

What's happened?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing?

No. Sorry.

Uh, I'm from McCallum real estate.

We're offering free appraisals so you can know the value of your property.

What? Hang on. Are you selling something?

Uh, no. Well I hoped you would be.

Your house, that is. Have you had an appraisal recently?

Look, can you just give me a minute?

I'll get my husband. He'll love this.

Oh, if he'd be interested. Yeah, that's great. Thank you.

He really likes saying no to people selling things. Graham!

If he's not interested, that's fine.

It won't take a second.

He's really good at confrontation.

I don't want a confrontation.

What's happened?

Nothing.

He's offering free appraisals.

Oh, okay.

So, instead of just leaving a flyer in the mailbox, you're knocking on people's doors?

Yes. Uh...

You know what you are?

Human junk mail.

Okay...

Walking spam.

Right.

Uh, you're like a 3D... talking brochure.

Okay, I might get going.

No, you're like a strip-a-gram, but instead of taking your clothes off you're taking off layers of my patience!

Strong finish. Thanks for your time.

[Couple giggle]

[Knock at door]

Hi. I'm from McCallum real estate.

We're offering free appraisals so you can know the value of your property...

[Knock at door]

Hi. I'm from...

[Knock at door]

Hi. I'm from, uh, McCallum real estate.

We're offering free appraisals, so you can know the... value of... of your property.

No. No, no, no! No, no, no!

sh*t.

[Phone buzzes]

Em?

Emma: Oh, hi.

How's it been going?

Not great. Have you got rid of him yet?

They're just on their way out.

They?

Two.

Another one came in to heat up his breakfast, and I assumed he meant microwave, but he meant stove.

And then the stove stopped working, so one of them's fixing it.

Okay, well, just get rid of them as soon as you can, after they fix the stove.

How long's their break, anyway?

They've finished for the day.

[Groans]

Please get them out of the house, nicely.

Fine. I'll charm them.

This has escalated.

Ha! I think that's done it.

It's fixed?

Yeah!

Great. Well, guys, new guys, this has been great.

Oh, no! Is this chamomile?

Emma: Are you okay, Joe?

Oh, allergic.

Gives me nausea.

Allergic to what?

To tea?

I just need to...

Hey, you need to lie down.

Nah, you probably want to walk it off outside.

Yeah, okay. Is the bedroom through here?

[Coughs]

Hang on. Sorry. I'm gonna need that Phillips head again.

You're kidding.

[Closes door]

Em, I'm at the radio station. We're going on soon. Where are you?

I'm gonna feel bad if you've been in an accident, but otherwise you're supposed to be here.

Ah, Daniel.

Hi, um... Grace.

You're here to do the, uh... Do the... do the radio?

Yes. And you're here to do the...

Why are you here?

Uh, real estate. I'm here to talk about, um... real estate stuff.

Okay. Yes, that makes sense.

Sorry about trying to kiss you, uh, yesterday.

Um... in my underpants.

It was really bad timing.

It's fine. It's not like anyone schedules a kiss.

Yeah, yeah...

Other than a wedding ceremony.

But that's the only officially pre-planned kiss I can think of.

Yeah, or a, um... a play.

Uh, any sort of scripted, um, performance. Anyway, I'm... I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm glad you brought it up.

Oh?

The mole scan found a few actinic keratoses.

Is... is that horrible-sounding thing good news, or...

Sunspots.

Oh, okay.

Very common in someone with your complexion.

Great.

Ugly, but fine.

The spots, not you.

Thanks.

You guys ready?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes!

So, Scott, how many... how many people listen in nowadays?

Almost everyone here and in the surrounding areas.

[Exhales shakily] Good.

Remember when we used to go on school excursions here?

Yeah, I remember it being pretty frustrating, actually.

Yeah, I know. That's because it was two hours of showing children buttons they're not allowed to push.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

It's cruel.

It is. It is.

That said, I'm actually pretty excited to meet, um, Pete Notch.

Do you remember "Kick it up a notch with Pete Notch"?

Uh, he just swapped over to the morning shift.

Oh, okay. Who... who hosts now?

sh*t.

[Workers chatter indistinctly]

Okay. Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Elka, stop reading that atlas!

Everyone, listen to me! Thank you.

First of all, thank you to Mick for fixing the stove.

Oh, don't mention it.

I was hoping to reset the element back into the...

Sure! Whatever. But the thing is, I really need to go to work and this is getting out of hand, and someone's brought beers now.

And without being rude, it would really help me out if you could leave, please.

Oh, we... we get it.

Listen, I don't want to do this.

This isn't me.

I like all of you.

I want to hear your stories about traffic cones and play cards and drink beer.

Why can't you?

Because, Matt, work.

My friend's mum doesn't like me as it is.

Totally understand.

She thinks I'm out there doorknocking right now.

Nah, fair enough.

This is all terrible.

I'll have one beer.

All: Yeah!

So, just to be absolutely clear, eating tofu will not turn you into a woman.

[Bruce snorts]

[Phone buzzes]

Sorry, it's a patient.

Hello?

No... no, Mr Johns, don't take it out yourself.

All right. That was Dr Howlett taking a phone call mid-interview. Let's, um... let's go to a song.

[Acoustic guitar plays]

Um, Bruce, I've been meaning to apologise for the other night.

Um, I'm... I'm sorry about the pub.

No apology needed. It was funny.

Uh, okay, great.

I can't believe it. You look exactly the same.

Seems like a lifetime ago you were here.

Yeah, yeah. It's been a while, yeah.

All right, you ready to go?

Yep. All good. Yep.

Right.

And we're back. That track was... me.

A little guitar ditty I put together about a week ago.

It's getting a lot of airplay on the show.

Are you ready for our next guest, Bruce?

Born ready.

All right.

We are joined by ex-Rosehaven native Daniel McCallum.

Uh, thank you for having me. It's good to be here.

Not a problem.

So you're here to talk about being a redhead?

Uh, no.

Being a virgin.

Uh, no. No. Real estate, actually.

Oh, okay.

So how hard it is to rent a property when you're a redhead and a virgin?

Uh, no. We're offering free appraisals.

Now, our listeners might not know this, but we all went to school together before Danny left for the mainland.

It's Daniel.

Now he's back!

Couldn't hack it.

What did bring you back, Daniel?

Well, uh... Rosehaven is a lovely place.

Why wouldn't you move back here?

I don't know. If you moved away and d*ed.

Like Tina did.

That was tragic.

Tetanus.

Shout out to Rodge and Ange, her parents, if they're listening.

Daniel, you were saying something?

This week, McCallum real estate is offering free appraisals.

Okay, Daniel, genuine question, if I had enough money, could I buy a cave?

Follow-up question, if the listeners at home have a cave, would you be able to tell them what it's worth?

Well, I mean, you can't really own a cave.

I mean, maybe if you owned a block of land that a cave was on...

Would the block of land be worth more if you had a cave?

It would be if there was something valuable inside the cave.

Guys, can we bring it back to appraisals for a second?

No, I think we should throw this one out to the listeners.

If you're listening at home, do you have a cave?

If so, what's inside it? Give us a call.

You allowed to have any pets in your cave, Danny?

That's right, he took your dog, didn't he?

Yeah, he was gonna sh**t it.

Oh! No, I wasn't.

And you know you weren't supposed to have pets.

Ooh, hang on. We... we have a caller on the line.

Hello?

Emma: Hello.

I'd just like to say, I think Daniel sounds like a legend, and I would love to get an appraisal from him.

Uh, thank you, caller. We'd be happy to help you out.

No, thank you.

Sounds like you've got a good business, and a big penis.

That's fine, thank you.

[Laughs] Oh, Danny!

You've got a fan there, mate.

Hang on, hang on. Who's this?

Oh, just a concerned citizen who thinks Daniel's the best and you guys stink.

Emma?

Nope.

That's fine, caller. Thank you. Get off the phone.

Yes. I will. Go, Daniel!

Oh, and the council needs to allocate more safety wardens to night roadworks. Whoo!

Righto.

Well, we do actually have another caller.

Hello, Andrew.

Man: Hello. I've got a cave.

That's great. Can you tell me what's inside it?

Just me.

Thanks.

No problem.

You looked like you needed a drink.

Although, technically, alcohol is a depressant.

Yeah, well, it's my fault for not knowing enough about... caves.

I would've come to your rescue, but my knowledge of caves is limited to...

You know what? I don't know anything about them.

Um, I'm sorry again about yesterday.

I don't know why, you tried to kiss me and I didn't kiss you.

Yeah, yeah, I remember...

You just leaned forward and I leaned back.

Yes, I was...

And you've kissed me before so I knew the look.

It's just that this time, we didn't kiss, because we're not together now.

And I was at work.

Yes.

Um... Grace?

Yes?

Two questions.

Um, first question, is there any one food or drink we can live off for the rest of our lives?

Human breast milk.

Really?

Yeah.

The hard part, I guess, would be donors.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be...

Um, I mean, I'll put the word out. Uh...

Second question is... would you like to kiss... now?

Are you asking me rather than leaning in because of what happened last time?

Yeah. Yeah. Um...

And also I've... missed kissing you.

I've missed kissing you too.

Well, that's good news. Um...

So...

So... yes.

Great.

Great.

Okay, well, I'll come sit next to you.

Yeah.

I'll... I'll pull the chair out for you in a gesture of goodwill.

Uh, thank... thank you.

Okay. Um...

That was nice.

Yeah. It was... better than my last attempt, definitely.

[Phone rings]

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I'm so sorry.

Em?

Emma: I thought I could do this, but I can't.

I think I'm one of them now.

Hang on, what are you talking about?

The council workers!

There's so many of them. I think I'm their leader.

Hey... ! What? Why do you need superglue?

Hang on, I thought there were only two.

I... I'm coming around. I'm coming around.

Uh... I'm sorry, I have to... I have to go.

Emma-related?

Yeah.

Were you guys ever... ?

Oh, no, no. No.

Uh, I mean not that she's not great, but... is she behind me?

Um, no. No. Um...

Thank you, uh, for... kissing me.

Um, that's a terrible finish. Thank you for...

Help.

Go.

Thank you!

That's a really nice colour on you.

Yes. I think so.

[Phone rings]

McCallum real estate.

Daniel: Mum. You're using the smile technique.

Anyway, uh, you're still there. That's great.

Oh. Lucky I am. No one else seems to be.

Yeah, sorry. Just got a few things to take care of.

I'll... I'll pick you up at 5:00?

Fine.

Tea?

Read my mind.

[Phone rings]

McCallum real estate.

Man: Oh, hi.

I heard some redhead on the radio.

And I was calling about getting an appraisal.

Matt: You've gotta give people a second chance, I reckon.

Then he robbed a petrol station...

That's great.

And I'm still like, nah...

Guys, seriously, I really need you to help me put everything back how it was and then get out.

Get out. Get out, get out. Get out. Get out!

We've just discovered Elka's done circus training.

She's gonna show us some new tricks.

That sounds so awesome, but no! No! No circus!

Please... Wow.

My friend Dan is on his way and he's mad, and Barbara's going to be back soon, and she is... scary lady.

Wait, Barbara McCallum?

Yeah.

You need to get out...

This is her house?

Yes!

Oh, sh*t, everyone, it's over!

This is Barbara McCallum's house.

The mean machine's house?

Woman: Move it if you ever want to work in this state again!

Hey!

[Clattering]

Wait, are you gonna help me clean?

Mick. Mick.

We were never here.

You were everywhere!

[Plastic bag rustles, bottles clink]

What happened?

I thought they were my friends.

I'm never wearing this again.

Or slowing down for roadworks. I'm gonna speed up!

No, I will slow down, so I can give them the finger longer.

Are you drunk?

I was earning trust.

Like you said. "Very politely," you said.

Well, it was too polite, Em.

They found out it was Barbara's house and then they ran.

They talked about her like she was some kind of... monster legend.

She's gonna put me in a tower.

No, no, no, it's fine. I'll just...

I'll pick her up from the office after we've cleaned this up.

[Car pulls up outside]

Oh, sh*t.

What happened?

I... had... a party.

The theme was... "Be messy".

It was me. But it wasn't a party. At the start.

Daniel, can you join me in the kitchen for a moment?

It's worse in the kitchen.

She's not from here. She didn't know the rules.

Where she's from, is it normal to allow strangers to trash your house?

That girl, actually no, grown woman, she's taking advantage.

It's not like that...

I think you should tell her to leave.

Look, if... if you want her to go, that's fine. It's your house. But... if Em leaves, I will too.

Don't be so dramatic.

I'm not. We'll stay at the hotel or something.

It's reasonably priced and they have the muesli that I like.

I can't have my son stay in a pub.

What would that look like?

Well...

Fine.

But she can't be left alone in the house from now on.

Well, that won't be a problem because... you'll be here.

Will I?

Yes. You can't just pop pain pills all day.

You can call the office as many times as you like, but just... stay here for now.

You'll heal quicker at home and you know it.

Also, love you.

It won't be time off. It'll be working from home.

Of course.

If you don't pick up in three rings, I'll come down.

Agreed. And we'll...

We'll clean all this up.

No. Emma will.

Your mum doesn't like me, does she?

She... does...

Oh. What did she want to talk to you about in the kitchen?

Small talk.

Small talk? With your mum?

Em, I'm...

I'm gonna go to bed.

It's half past four.

Well, it'll be dark at some point.

I'm really sorry.

I did try. You know that, right?

Jess from the op shop rang. She says you may have a stalker.

That's my husband.

Emma.

Hello.

Hi.

He won't leave until I forgive him. So I guess he's moved here.

Hey! Damien. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm home tomorrow, Emma.

Okay.

He seems nice.

Yeah.

Maddrick: All right, that was a track from bash teeth, that's Rosehaven's premiere smash mouth tribute band.

You're here with Maddrick at midnight.

We've got a ripper show to get through, but we actually have a caller on the line. Hello?

Daniel: Your show's sh*t, mate.

Danny?

Daniel.

No. [Hangs up]