01x08 - Episode 8

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi, you've called Emma.

I'm not here. Honestly, I'm probably patting a street cat.

Anyway, leave me a message. Or don't. Do what you want.

Live your own life! Okay, bye. Whoo!

Em, it's 9.45 and you're still not here.

Can you please let me know if you're coming in or not today?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Morning, Emma.

Mrs Marsh.

Hey, Em, can I see you in my office, please?

You've...

Can we swap?

What?

Can we swap seats?

I feel like I'm in the Principal's office.

You're 45 minutes late. We've got an inspection at...

10am, I know. I have an excuse.

All right, let's hear it.

I wanted to sleep in.

That's not an excuse. That's what you cover up with an excuse.

Damien doesn't believe in alarm clocks.

That's rich, coming from a guy who owns 20 of them.

They're not plugged in.

Look, the reason I wanted you here on time, one, because it's your job and two, I've got something I need to talk to you about.

Are you firing me?

No, you're not fired.

By the way, showing up late isn't a great way to avoid getting fired.

You should be getting here earlier.

Or at least on time.

So I am fired.

No, you're not fired.

I've got some news.

You're not a natural redhead.

Yeah, of course I am. Look at me.

Mum's coming back to work soon and... when she does...

I'm going to move with Grace to the Gold Coast.

The... what?

The Gold Coast.

I-I just... Mum doesn't need me here and I feel like there'll be more opportunities for me over there.

Plus all the theme parks.

Good for you.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks?

I'm really happy for you. Grace is great.

Uh, good.

Great.

Are we... cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Cool.

I'm really cool. I'm probably going to freeze to death.

I'm so cool, a polar bear tried to live near me.

I'm so cool, if I stuck my finger in your drink, it would be ice cold from the coolness.

Please don't stick your finger in my drink.

Do you not like that? Because I do it every time you're not looking.

I'm glad we're cool.

8 Morebury Lane. This might be our last inspection together.

You're really heaping on the sad today, aren't you?

Yeah, sorry. So what are your plans?

Go back to Melbourne. Become Prime Minister.

That's a good plan.

Or I guess Flight Centre will give me my old job back.

You could buy this house, move in with a bunch of cats.

It'll save us having to find new tenants.

[BUZZING]

Nah, I'm good.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪
♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪
♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪
♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪
♪ If we find ♪
♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪
♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪
♪ I'll be coming home to you again ♪

There's mouldy food everywhere, and there's a melted basketball in the oven.

Oh, my God.

How are the bedrooms?

Eugh. There's more open milk cartons.

They must have done that on purpose.

And some vomit in the corner.

Great.

It's mine.

Em!

I'm sorry!

Damien and I challenged each other to see who could eat the most mie gorengs last night.

sh1t.

Eugh. What is it?

I've stepped in actual sh1t. Please be from a dog.

Oh!

Eugh!

What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

God, I can still smell it all over me.

Well, these clothes are going in the ocean.

Mum's going to kill me.

Why?

You didn't stick dirty undies to the wall.

Yeah, but I approved the tenants that did. They seemed fine.

One of them kept saying, "Cool bananas". Is that a... is that a thing?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Daniel McCallum's phone. Emma speaking.

What?

They told me we haven't been making the mortgage payments.

Bloody banks. All they think about is money.

They can't stop us working.

They have stopped us.

Have they?

Hey, mate!

Do you wanna sell your house?

Um, yeah. I was thinking about it, actually.

Great! Let me just get you a card!

sh1t!

Was it Stuart? I'll strangle him with his bow tie.

Did you really need to put a chain on the place?

We got it off.

Oh, and good luck trying that one again, because I'm sleeping with a locksmith.

I told you when I get back to work, I'll start making regular payments again.

All right.

Bloody Sue. I got her that job.

Mum, this is bad.

Your Grade 1 nativity was bad. This is fine.

That was a script, and I think failing to pay your mortgage is pretty bad.

I've got multiple listings ready to go as soon as I'm back.

New listings?

Yeah. I've got a mobile, you know.

Well, why didn't you send them my way?

We both know you're not the best salesperson.

I've got an investor coming down from Sydney on Thursday, looking to purchase some more properties from us.

So just let me handle it.

Fine.

We already manage one of hers.

She'll want to see it while she's here.

Okay.

You did the final inspection on it this morning. 8 Morebury Lane.

8 Morebury...

Yeah. How'd it look?

Both: Good.

It's fine.

We'll just call all the cleaners we can find, hire them all at once and pray they can finish the job before she gets here.

Why didn't you tell Barbara? You're leaving anyway.

Because I haven't told her I'm going yet, I can't just say, "Hey, Mum, I'm leaving and I stuffed up the only chance you have of not going bankrupt."

So we're in a rush?

Yes.

Great.

Ow!

Just get in the car.

One more time.

Ow!

[PHONE RINGS]

McCallum Real Estate, this is Daniel.

Yes. Did you have a look? Can you do it?

Okay, but are you sure it's blood?

It could be jam or sauce.

Okay, once you put gloves on, does it matter?

Please don't hang up. Please!

I called Tom's Reliable Cleaners but they've been a servo for three years.

Did you have any luck?

What about those guys that clean crime scenes and stuff?

I tried them. They said they're booked up until next week.

Oh. That sucks for us, and society.

We're going to have to do it.

Hm?

We're going to have to clean the house.

With what? Our hands?

Yes.

Uh, you might have blocked this out, because of how gross it was in there.

But it's really gross in there.

I remember.

Dan, I vomited in there, and I've slept at the tip.

What? Why?

It doesn't matter.

I'm just saying this is grosser than that.

You can't just say, "I slept at a tip" and then not tell the rest...

I was drunk, I was walking home, there was a mattress.

See, now you're disappointed. It's not a good story.

Look, Em, please?

This is the last thing I'll ever ask you to do for me.

Okay, guys.

First of all, thanks to Grace and Damien for coming to help.

They had to come because they kiss us.

I like your overalls.

Who wouldn't?

Anyway, we've got to get this place spotless before the landlord arrives, and before we start, can we do a quick supply check?

Uh, Grace.

OK.

I have gloves, anti-bacterial wipes, disinfectant, Band-Aids, and protein bars for all of us.

Oh, thank you. That's very, very kind. Um, Damien.

Uh, I brought my toolbox, so if there are any minor repairs needed, I should be able to take care of them.

I also brought pegs. There should be some blue ones in here.

Yeah, rubber bands, couple of those.

Thanks, Damien. Uh, Emma?

I've got all of the boring cleaning supplies you asked me to get.

Which are?

And... beer.

OK, well, let's save those till the end.

Let's get started.

And he doesn't drink creamy soda anymore.

It's his favourite and he told me he's never going to drink it again.

Because it's got too much sugar?

And he's putting frozen spinach in a blender for breakfast.

Oh, yeah. Is that good?

No, it's frozen spinach. In a blender. For breakfast.

And she showed up 45 minutes late, again.

Did she say why?

No. She doesn't even make up excuses anymore.

At least they were fun to hear.

She told me once that she got mugged, but they didn't take anything because she answered their riddle correctly.

You know what is good? Melted butter on fruit.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Don't quote me.

Oh, I won't.

Is she upset about the move?

I don't know. She says it's fine, a lot.

Grace, the fumes from this, they're safe, right?

Just don't spray it in your mouth and you'll be okay.

Check.

Yeww! Ahhh!

Oh, my God!

[LAUGHS] Can you imagine if I hadn't looked up here?

Em...

It just would have stayed there.

Forever. Oh, almost.

Oh, that was...

Why are you...

I found a trampoline. I'm keeping it.

There's a condom in the light. These guys were thorough.

Just use a stepladder so you don't hurt yourself.

I'm like a centimetre off the ground.

Grace, how many people do you see for accidents that could have easily been avoided?

Um, mostly just Phil because he refuses to walk around the dart players to get to the toilet.

Daniel wouldn't know what you're talking about because he never goes to the pub with me anymore.

I'm saying if a spring breaks in...

Damien will catch me.

He's not even looking.

What?

Or listening. I'll just get the stepladder. It'll be quicker anyway.

Got it!

Oh, God! Em!

It's like we've barely made a dent.

Milk cartons are gone.

The smell's not.

Em?

What?

We're going to have to stay overnight.

No!

Tonight, Damien and I are going to see if we can cook pasta in wine instead of water.

I'm sorry, but...

We were going to try red and white.

And port.

Oh, and the melted butter thing.

Okay, well, that all sounds really important, but we don't have a choice.

We've been doing it all day.

Could you please just hang in a little longer?

[SIGHS] Okay.

I should have brought more beer.

Um, Grace, Damien, you guys go home.

Thanks for today.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

Well, I'll go and get us some caffeine and then I'll come back.

Thank you.

Damien, no pressure.

I slept yesterday.

Oh!


Go team.

It's like my whole life has been scrubbing this toilet.

Take this twice a day.

What?

Daniel, if you want to talk to me, you're going to need to tap me on the shoulder.

Oh, God. Is this a stingray?

Oh, no, it's a fake.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Grace, don't, don't.

Get it away from me. Oh!

Daniel, just touch it.

No. No.

It's... okay.

Better?

No.

It's beautiful.

What are you doing?

Jealous?

Not now, Em. Can you please...

I'm going to paint over it.

We don't have time for this.

It is the same amount of painting time.

No, it isn't.

If it was, you'd see a bunch of half-painted houses covered in dicks all the time.

Just go side to side.

I'm just trying to make a shitty day, then night then day again a bit more fun.

Last time I do you a favour.

You're not doing me a favour.

Grace and Damien are doing me a favour.

This is your job.

Oh, right.

Well, who do I speak to in HR about getting less 24-hour shifts cleaning human filth?

Well, I don't know, maybe you could ask them what to do with an employee who keeps drawing dicks on the wall.

Keep? It's my first one!

Oh, Em, grow up!

Grow up?

Yes, grow up.

I'm not the one leaving 'cause things got too hard.

I'm leaving because I did everything...

Do you think I don't know what you're doing?

You meet some girl, sorry Grace, and you turn into some fit business jerk and you're using it as an excuse to run away.

Nah, he's just moving onwards and upwards, and you look really great, Dan.

I'm just trying to improve myself.

The whole reason you're here is because you ran away.

And now you're hanging out in some hoarder's den, sorry, Damien, throwing your life away, acting like a child.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with looking at the world with a child-like sense of wonder.

You actually think you're better than me, don't you?

No, I think you could be better but you're too immature and you're too lazy to do anything about it.

I am not the one who approved the worst tenants on Earth.

Just admit that you're leaving because you're sh1t at your job!

The only reason your mum doesn't let you do anything other than change the photocopier paper is because you keep failing.

Well, maybe I'd be better at my job if I wasn't always babysitting you.

All I've done is help you.

By showing up at my doorstep and sponging off me? Huge help.

Do you know what? I'm glad you're going. I'm glad.

You're unbelievable. You are... You're a...

Come on, Damien.

Sorry, Daniel.

Taking my handyman, too. Real helpful!

Interesting artwork.

Grace, do you mind if my son and I talk in private?

I actually think an independent third party would be beneficial.

Daniel, get in here.

Oh, being angry sucks!

Anything I can do?

Immature and lazy. He thinks I'm stupid. I am not stupid.

I'm fun. All I've done is help him since I've been here.

I'm going to listen and wait.

He thinks I can't do anything.

He thinks I'm running away. I am not running away.

Hey! Mick!

Hey!

Why did you keep this from me? Were you just going to let me find out when I brought Denise through today?

No, no, no.

Mum, no cleaner would touch this place. I figured if Em and I could fix...

I wouldn't find out that you didn't screen the tenants properly?

No.

You may not care what I do...

Of course I care!

Why do you think I've been scrubbing a toilet all night that smells like it's where the poos from all the other toilets ends up?

To cover up your mistake.

You think that's the only reason? Mum, this is why I'm leaving.

I... haven't told you that yet, have I?

I'm going to move with Grace to the Gold Coast.

She's looking to do a placement at a larger practice and I want to try my luck at a larger agency.

Plus all the theme parks.

I've been meaning to tell you...

It must be good to be able to come down here and play at this and leave when it's not fun anymore.

No, it's...

Daniel, this isn't like when you ate all the Vitamin Cs.

I can't send you to your room.

You're running a business, my business.

Now, I'm going to go and pick up Denise.

I want you to come and take responsibility as the manager you keep claiming to be.

Well, what about the house?

You were never going to finish it in time.

There's a melted basketball in the oven, for God's sake.

I really am sorry, Denise.

I've had this house for 10 years.

At least the windows aren't broken.

Uh, yes, that's... that's true.

I, um, I do have to warn you though, the smell inside is quite strong.

Let's get this over with.

Hi! You must be the owner. I'm Emma.

Denise.

Oh, actually, I wouldn't shake it, sorry. I've just run out of soap.

Please come in.

So, by damaged and revolting, you meant spotless.

There was a bit of wear and tear on the place, but nothing McCallum Real Estate couldn't handle.

Now, if you don't mind, I might leave you to it, because I'm, let's not beat around the bush, stinky and gross.

It was very nice to meet you, Denise.

I'll see you guys back at the office?

I hired her.

Em!

You saved me.

Fluke.

And a bunch of road workers who owed me a favour.

The ones who trashed our house?

Yep.

One trash, one clean. We're even.

I'm, um...

I'm sorry about what I said.

I didn't... I didn't mean it.

Yes, you did.

Okay, I did, but I could have said it nicer.

You're not sh1t at your job.

No, no, I... I am. You're right.

Come with us.

Hm?

Come with Grace and I to the Gold Coast.

I'll help you find work and you can stay with us until you get settled.

I don't want to hear you have s*x all night.

First of all, thank you for the all night thing, but I'm serious, Em.

It'll be nice having you in the same state.

You really think you're my babysitter, don't you?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Denise thought the house was perfect, because it was.

That's great.

Yes, it is.

It almost wasn't.

Look, Mum, I...

I didn't...

Can I have a job?

Both: What?

When Daniel leaves, can I stay working here?

I like it and I think... No, I am, I'm good at it.

And I'll get better.

Are you going to be on time?

Yes. I've got 20 clocks I can plug in.

You'd need to study.

I can't have you working for me without the proper qualifications.

I can do that.

I've always wanted a framed certificate with my name on it.

The ones I make myself don't cut it. Best Face? What's that?

I think we can work something out.

There would have been a place for you too, if you'd wanted it.

[KNOCKING] Are you m*st*rb*t*ng?

Yes.

You heading to Grace's?

Yeah, her parents are down.

I'm meeting them tonight.

Wow, that's big.

Don't fart on them.

That's a great tip.

I am happy for you.

This feels weird.

Yeah, it does.

I don't know how to make it better.

Me neither.

Murder suicide?

You're set on staying?

Even without me to change your nappy?

That's disgusting.

I'm... I'm really glad you were here.

Are you touching my butt?

Yeah, it was getting too sad.

Okay.

Emma?

Yes.

Have you been signing off company emails as Charlie's Angels?

Yeah.

No?

No.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

Mrs Marsh, hello.

Hello.

I'm back.

Have you had a haircut?

Ah, yeah, but, um...

What are you doing here?

Mum, hi. I, um...

I'd like to apply for a job.

Did you and Grace break up?

Well, thanks for immediately thinking that but, no, we're still together.

Look, I, um... I've been to all the theme parks now and had time to think.

I... I don't want to miss the chance to work with you.

For you.

Be here while you're here.

You've been running this place for a long time and, you know, when I take over, I want to...

Presumptuous.

If I ever take over, I want to learn from the best first.

You know, instead of...

Thinking you already know everything and messing up.

Well, I was going to say teaching myself, but... yes.

And Grace?

She understood. We're going to try long distance for a bit.

If you'll have me.

All right. Well, you'll need to pass the interview process.

The...

Emma?

What's going on?

Do you have time to do an interview with a potential employee?

Yes. Take a seat, please.

Okay.

So, what makes you think you're qualified to work at McCallum Real Estate?

Uh, well, I'm a team player, I work hard, my last name is McCallum, my mum is the boss and my best friend works here.

Mrs Marsh?

Yes, Mrs Marsh.

Well, I can't play favourites over the other applicants.

Oh, I had them all killed, so...

Did you?

I like your initiative. Any final words before I make my decision?

I've missed you.

Correct. You're hired. I'm Emma.

I'll be your boss...

No.

Okay, but I am employee of the month.

Did you put that up there?

Yes.

But Barbara hasn't told me to take it down.

Take that down.

So, what made you give up on the mainland?

Couldn't hack it.

I'm glad you're back.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

It's gonna be great. Every night will be like a slumber party.

Yeah, except now we're adults, so there will be no one to tell us to go to bed.

Go to bed!

Love you!