01x01 - Abigail

You've tested positive for chlamydia.

That doesn't sound positive.

Two tablets should clear it.

But left untreated, it can cause infertility.

You'll need to contact your previous sexual partners.

All of them?

No, just the ones you like.

Despite what they taught you at medical school, not everyone finds the sarcasm comforting.

It gets me through the day.

Right, next I need to examine your genitals.

Yay! How am I doing now?

(He coughs)

Chlamydia's a starter infection, man, it's the missionary position of sexual diseases.

You want to save your tears for permanent ones like herpes, penile cancer.

It exists.

I don't even care who gave it to me.

Look at these names...

Did they give you the little cards to send out?

Yeah, that's it!

They're like a bad Valentine's card.

"I love you so much it hurts...when I urinate."

Yeah, I'm not sending the cards, I'm calling them.

I'm thinking of visiting some of them.

Dylan, don't do this to yourself, let's just go to the party.

It's been 11 years since I lost my virginity and what have I got?

Apart from chlamydia, obviously.

I'm going to start calling them today.

In what, chronological order, marks of out ten for performance?

Bra size?

Alphabetical.

OK.

Mostly cos I don't want to call Tasha first.

(He shudders)

So who's first? A is for...?

(Dylan sighs)

Thanks.

If you need anything, just ding.

I'm on till 3am.

Don't you just love weddings?

Two people saying, "That's it, I'm done looking around, you're the one for me, I brought rings, let's dance."

She's not here for the wedding.

And I'm not religious, but a church wedding is just more... Maybe you need to be cold and uncomfortable to really listen to the vows properly.

Marry in a church, get divorced in a warm office with comfy chairs.

That's good.

Well, just ding if you need me.

(Bell)

Excuse me. Hi.

Could you reprint these two tables, please? Bride's orders.

Thanks.

Look at all these drawers!

We could sort our things by category with our underwear in the top one or...

No, I think I want my own drawer, otherwise our stuff will get all mixed up.

But this way my socks can dry-hump your pants.

OK.

My pants hardly know your socks, so...

Come on.

Seriously, I want my own drawer.

(Church bells chime)

Hear those wedding bells?

Uh-huh.

They're an air-raid siren, warning single people that everyone else is coupling off.

It makes them feel anxious and horny. And then the free bar opens.

Why would Dylan squander that on a chick he's been seeing for a month?

Argh! That's tight!

I imagine he likes her.

I like her, but blowing a wedding on a new girlfriend...

When instead you should ignore your feelings and...

Book a double room and arrive single. Unpack oils.

Try and think of a memorable safe word.

I'm very close to choking you.

Mmm!

Not in a sexy way.

(Church bells peal)

I want one good photo of everyone here. You've got the guest list.

It doesn't say what people look like.

You'll know after you've taken a photo of each of them.

Overall, I want a sense of giddy happiness, like everyone's really pleased for me. Catriona!

Yeah, I'm on it.

I haven't given you the task yet.

I know, I just mean...I'm ready.

Keep Angus off the champagne. I'm not having him get emotional today.

Right.

It's f*cking show time!

..forsaking all others, marriage is a sacred bond.

May this couple be prepared to continue to give, to be able to forgive...

Hey, maybe this'll be us some day.

No.

What?

It doesn't matter.

Helen and Angus...

You just said no...quite firmly.

Can we talk about this later? We can't really do this here.

What's "this"?

Are you breaking up with me?!

I'll tell you afterwards.

Tell me now!

What God has joined together, let no man tear asunder...

We can still have s*x.

You think this is about s*x?!

In so much as...

Dylan, I think half the church now thinks it's about s*x.

I'm being f*cking dumped here!

Yeah, I know, buddy, but the two people at the front are trying to get married, so maybe just hold fire till they're finished.

Unbelievable!

(Organ music)

(Cheering and applause)

(Church bell peal)

Stop pouting! It's not manly. Are you seeing this? He's pouting, in't he?

You guys look great together.

If anyone should be pouting it's me, I've got thin lips.

Really nice.

(Shutter clicks)

You know, other people are good at darts or speaking French.

My talent is starting relationships with women who don't enjoy my company.

Well, at least she didn't dump you tomorrow.

Because now you're single, Dyl.

Look around you...it's a s*x party.

I thought it was a union of souls.

Yeah, that as well.

Dyl, just rejoined the ranks of the single against his wishes.

What?! Already?!

I mean, sorry, Dyl, that's...that's really awful.

(Shutter clicks)

But here's the thing, man, here's the really, really important thing.

It is wall-to-wall snatch out there, Dylan.

Cheers for the chat. Really useful. Thanks.

Hey, Dylan, don't walk away from me!

Today could still be a very sexually satisfying experience!

Hey guys.

(Classical music plays)

I can't eat!

Erm...I've photographed the food.

Don't work all evening, Evie. You're a guest as well.

One of Angus's old pals.

He's been too nervous to eat so I've got him off the booze, or it'll be glug and chuck. You know Angus.

I do.

You all right, Angus?

Yeah, great thanks.

Met anyone fit on the singles' table?

Erm...no.

I think someone might have moved me.

And that's why I love penguins!

(Laughter)

Look, all I'm saying is if you're going to have a singles' table, why don't you mix us up a bit?

Is it too early to list everything about her that was really not great?

There was the thing with my socks.

Yeah. So she's sort of a terrible person.

Jemima, meet Evie and Dylan. Evie's just a friend.

He means you can sleep with either of 'em without me objecting.

I saw you in the church and you looked so overcome.

I thought that was so sweet.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

Dylan's very connected with his feelings.

Mainly rage and shame and feeling like a f*cking idiot.

OK...you have to put angry/sad Dylan back in a box and then lock that box and don't tell girls it exists.

What matters here, Dylan, is that you get back on the horse.

Promise me the horse is a metaphor.

Hey, guys. Enjoying the wedding?

Great job, Angus.

I counted as you did the vows, you didn't miss a single one.

(Laughter)

"In sickness and in health".

You can test that one with tomorrow's hangover.

Angus isn't drinking.

Oh, well... Your date's a keeper too, Dyl. Marry her.

We broke up.

What a waste of an invitation. We could have had Tim.

I didn't know we were going to...

Anyway, ladies, you look amazing.

Thanks, we're doing our best.

It's different for you guys, you're married, you know.

You knew you were meant for each other. Right, Angus?

Evie was never your destiny and today proves that.

But I'm in the dark.

You sound depressed.

I'm not.

Tonight, I'm going to have non-judgemental s*x.

Really share some orgasms around, you know?

Evie? You went out with Evie?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the bride and groom for the first dance.

(Angus laughs nervously)

Music: It's Not Unusual by Tom Jones She's an ex-girlfriend?

It's nothing serious. I'd forgotten.

How long did you go out for?

Er...I can barely remember.

I still believe in you.

I was just trying to be honest.

I know. But don't do that any more.

She didn't know me and Evie went out.

You really f*cked me.

Why would she even care? Your exes are ancient history.

You don't know her. And with what you were saying earlier, I think maybe I got my destiny wrong.

No, you didn't.

No...I think maybe I did.

Lovely.

Really nice. Yeah, big smile.

Evie, if it won't kill you to work faster, there are hundreds of photos in my head that I can mentally see but you're not taking.

Sorry, I was...

My friend Camilla has travelled from Australia, did you get her?

Erm...

Well, she's not on the list.

That's not her fault, is it?

I shouldn't. I said I wouldn't.

Cheers.

Ooh!

The wife doesn't like it that I ever went out with anyone else.

Were you her first boyfriend?

No.

Five of hers are here today!

Come on, Angus. Here's to the woman of your dreams!

I should go and find her.

It's not hard. Look for the girl in the big white dress.

(They laugh)

No, I mean Evie.

That went well, then.

Angus, you've got to help me. What does Camilla look like?

What?

Shall we do some couple shots?

Yeah.

OK.

Er...here's fine.

Drinking, are you? Having trouble with your emotions?

Well, I can have a drink.

(He laughs nervously)

OK.

Right.


(Shutter clicks)

Erm...Helen, could you maybe smile just a bit sort of wider?

Hmm.

Lovely.

Erm...just a little less?

What's wrong with my face, Evie? Too happy? Too sad?

It's your job to make me look beautiful, not to stand there staring at my husband!

Ow!

It's not you.

Maybe it is you.

What?

I've been talking to Dylan.

(He sighs)

I think I miss you.

(Evie moans)

You don't know Camilla, do you?

You don't know a Camilla? Any of you gentlemen know Camilla?

It's got to be her, man!

Short of shagging a bride, which is wrong in a bad way, the maid of honour is top of the wedding-sex pyramid.

How about you?

I've had a drink with the groom.

Oh! Fabulous, Dylan. That's wonderful. And did he suck you off?

If not, from now on give yourself strict rules, man.

You only talk to people with breasts, and only if they're younger than 40 and older than 16.

18, then. Whatever! Right, I'm going in.

There you are, Catriona. Got you a little drink.

Fizzy bubbles.

Having a good time?

Your friend is all about the pussy, isn't he?

Look at him go!

Well, he is!

Are you allowed to say that?

I'm just being honest. That's a virtue.

The free booze helps.

Cheers!

(Mobile rings)

Oh, wait!

Whoa!

Nowhere else to put it.

Pff!

I'm going to be calling that repeatedly.

I need to go. Angry bride duty.

f*ck's sake!

Hm!

Hey!

Vintage Luke.

It's like a sexual safety net.

Strike out with one girl, there's another pair of legs ready to catch him.

You could learn from him.

What's wrong with me?

Aw! Oh, nothing.

What about her? She's cute.

Yeah. Yeah, not her. She's my best friend.

Ah, yeah, that could be awkward.

Are you hungry?

Yes.

Come on.

Why would you deny Angus a drink?

Don't you dare talk about yourself in the third person!

He will if he wants to.

I am level three angry. Do you hear me?

Now apologise for inviting her.

Some dick just threw this at me!

Oh, so now I'm a dick as well?

I'm so...

Is this theft?

Don't want to get you in trouble with the Big Man.

It's a macaroon, not a war crime.

Mm-mm!

So, go on, then.

Why are you so crap at one-night stands?

Well, I think I'm meant to be more like a shark.

A cold, focused killing machine, headed straight for the seal.

But I like seals.

Seals are adorable. Women should like that about you.

Should, but...

Well, you know women. We're tricky.

You're fun.

I am fun.

Whispering: Everybody says so.

There you are! Jesus!

Oh, sorry. Erm, Dylan, I need you.

Now!

Bye.

Bye.

What did you say to Angus?!

He's drunk and he's been trying to...

Look, you have to help me fix this or they won't pay me and I'll have to speak to Grandma again and the bride might hit me and you'll have ruined a marriage in less than a day!

Find the bride. I will speak to Angus.

Did they have an amazing romance?

Maybe it's over.

I'll tell you what's over. Bad dates and heartaches.

Why would you assume I had bad dates? I am a catch!

There she is! The girl with the... attributes that Angus loves.

Forget about Evie. Angus stood up and promised to love you for ever.

Why didn't he tell me about her?

Because he knew you'd worry about it.

Because he knows what you're like and he loves you for it.

He does, doesn't he?

Yeah...

Yeah, he does.

There's a free bar upstairs!

I want a box of wine.

Boxes of wine in the corner, mate.

Look at these two!

They've got "it".

We had "it".

N-no, we didn't.

Er, ju...

Remember the missionary position, Evie? Hm?

The "Mish".

We did it in Tenerife once before you went for the papers.

Yeah, to get some time away.

No! Bullshit! You love the news!

Go and find your wife, Angus.

Definitely.

Er... Would you like the light on or off?

(They discuss)

Maybe off?

Yeah, let's have it off.

I'm really sorry, I can't find Camilla. I can't find her anywhere.

I made her up.

That wasn't very nice of me, but it's my wedding day and I was cross with you.

(Guests cheer)

(Guests groan)

Groom: I'm back! I'm back.

I love y...!

One more minute, she's off my hands.

Then maybe we can put the job title "Maid of Honour" to the test.

(Cans rattle)

Groom: Whoa! Whoa!

Get back in the car!

I need to go!

You...!

Put that tiddler away!

It's not a tiddler, it's a monster cock and she loves it!

Catriona!

Oh!

I'm done!

Let's get you pregnant!

Hey, you. Dylan, I'm really sorry about earlier.

Um, can I have the room key, please? I need it.

Let's not stay friends.

Yes, that would be nice, thank you.

Well, hey, you!

Hey!

You know what I said earlier about how you could learn from him?

I was going to come and find you.

Please don't.

OK.

Good luck, Dylan.

The vicar!

Yes! That, my friend, is definitely the top of the wedding-sex pyramid.

I love your ambition. I love where your head's at right now.

You stay in that good place, baby.

I can't stay in my room.

Is there a problem with it?

It's got my ex-girlfriend in it.

Well, we have got... absolutely nothing.

So I suppose your only option now is to find a bar and get drunk.

OK.

(She laughs)

Hi, are you still serving?

Absolutely, what would you like?

One of everything?

OK!

I don't think "till death us do part" applies in their case.

If Angus died without getting her explicit permission, she would dig him up and make him apologise.

I'm sorry about your girlfriend.

Thanks, um...

Abigail.

Well...

She wasn't the one.

Not everyone has to be the one, do they?

Only one can be the one if we're being pedantic.

So then the question is, what do you do while you're waiting?

Maybe these girls will know what I should do next. I think...

Maybe I didn't see things clearly back then.

Come on. Let's just go to the party.

I don't want to go.

You two! You're the last here!

Shameful, we know.

You look nice.

Thanks. Erm... Grab yourselves drinks and...

(Someone taps a glass)

Thanks, guys! Um... Don't worry, I'll be brief.

Evie and I just want to say how happy we are to be here, celebrating with our friends.

♪ Under a sky ♪
♪ No-one sees ♪
♪ Waiting, watching it happening... ♪

So, have a drink on us before we have to start saving up again so you can all get drunk at the wedding!

(Cheering)

She looks great.

You could still say something.

♪ Give it time ♪
♪ Still life, you know I'm listening ♪
♪ The moment that you want is coming ♪
♪ If you give it time. ♪

Hi, Abigail. Er... It's Dylan Witter here.

You probably don't remember me. It's been three years. Er, yeah...

♪ When you wake up, when you wake up... ♪

She thinks I'm an iceberg, like there's 90% more to me below the surface.

But it's just fish and ocean down there?

Yeah.

I want to go on a date.

You're too young for me.

They've gone to have s*x in the loos, haven't they?

They'll be at least four minutes.

Now she's coming to motherfucking dinner and there's going to be "conversation".

I try to get to work before taking a crap.

That way they're paying me to take a sh1t.

That's like something out of Jane Austen.