01x03 - Cressida

It's been 11 years since I lost my virginity and what have I got?

Apart from Chlamydia.

You'll need to contact your previous sexual partners.

Would you like to... meet up?

Are you breaking up with me?!

We can still have s*x.

You think this is about s*x?

She is cute.

She's my best friend.

You could still say something. we have to start saving up again so you can all get drunk at the wedding!

Hey, Luke.

Hey, Susie.

We were at school together.

I don't know, half an hour... OK, bye.

Coincidence bumping into you here.

Not really. When you think about it.

Right, yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Well I've had worse.

I'm sure you have.

You've already had your results. Why are you back here?

We're waiting for someone.

(Music: "Fever Boy" by Femme Get up, pack your bags.)

What's going on?

It's happened, Dylan.

Why are you crying?

She's single. Ilona McLeod is single and she's having a party.

I need you to drive me to the Highlands.

Evie's coming over to see us. I'm not driving you out there.

What's the point of me buying a car if you're not going to drive me places?

Book your driving test!

Ilona is my 50-year storm, Dylan.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

What are you talking about? Point Break. 50-year storm at the end?

Bodie not coming back?

I've never seen it.

You've never... What the f...

What is wrong with you people?

OK, I'll talk you through it, but then we're leaving.

We open on waves. Titles across water, titles are in a lovely font.

A guy rips towards the camera, spraying us with surf.

And off that splash, we're somewhere else wet.

And it's raining at the FBI training facility, and standing there in that rain, is Special Agent Johnny Utah, as played by Keanu Reeves.

Utah blasts away at the targets - blam, blam, blam!

And want to have a little guess what score he gets at the end of target practice?

I don't care.

100% is the score he gets.

And he gets a thumbs-up from the instructor.

No-one gets a thumbs-up from the instructor.

"Back off, Warchild. Seriously."

And Warchild lets go, because if Patrick Swayze tells you to back off, you do it.

(He screams)

"This is such a f*cking ride, Utah!"

You know we could have watched the whole movie by now?

"We'll get him when he comes back in!"

"He's not coming back."

The waves are like... really big waves.

And Keanu stares into them.

What does Johnny Utah do now?

He throws that FBI badge into the surf as those waves pummel Bodie.

Jesus.

Yeah.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, doorbell.

Then what happens?

It's over, Dylan. It's over.

See you, darling. Call me for a lift home.

Tell your dad we'll have you back by ten.

Very good. Are you going to let me in?

Change of plan. We are going to the Highlands to party.

(Music: "We Sink" by CHVRCHES So who is this girl anyway?)

Who, Ilona?

You see, when I was in Lower Sixth everyone got into this habit of calling me Mumcut after someone took a photograph of me and my mum having the same haircut. Which we didn't.

Er, and that bothered you?

Er, yeah. Yes, it did, Dylan. I, I pretty much wanted to die.

But then you see, Ilona, who was easily top-three in the year for breasts and face, at the end-of-year party, she kissed me.

That night, I wrote her name on a condom in permanent marker and put Ilona on my list of things to do before I die.

She's item number 27.

When you say she's on your list, do you mean an actual list?

Oh, yeah.

I've been adding to this thing since I was seven years old.

Pretty much all the fun I've ever had is thanks to that bad boy.

"Number eight - Meet Sue Barker."

Sue's a special lady.

And what do you mean by "Climb near Everest"? What, not Everest itself?

f*ck, no. People die on Everest, man. I don't want to climb it.

I just want to have a clamber around nearby. See what the fuss is about.

Step on it, Dyl. This girl never stays single for more than a day.

Master origami?

Done.

Oh, somebody else got her a sports car too. That is embarrassing.

You're not actually going to use that condom, are you?

Nah. I always pack a spare.

Luke! You came!

(Romantic music plays)

I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up.

It's been depressing me.

Get a drink. I'm drinking my way through it and you should too.

This is my brother, Scotty. Can you do drinks for my friends?

Just because I live here, doesn't make me staff.

Hi, I'm Dylan.

Cressida Evans. I recognise you.

Are you in equities?

No, I'm in debt.

Oh? Management or restructuring?

Just personally.

Is something funny?

No! Sorry, um, it's not, it's not you...

I, I... It's just I find all business cards funny.

Well, I made a quarter of a mil last year by making new contacts.

What did you make being sarcastic?

Oh, I'm having all the fun I hoped to have already.

Hey there. I'm Luke.

We were all at school together.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I, I didn't mean to forget you.

Well I certainly remember you, Mumcut.

Oh! Wow, yeah! That was really funny, wasn't it?

I'd forgotten that. Oh wait, I remember you now.

You're Ivan the Terrible... In Bed!

Or was it a different Ivan who slept with Tracy Ellard and jizzed on her knee?

Different Ivan.

Oh, yeah?

Luke, let's go and get a drink for the ladies.

You've grown.

I've grown in areas you can't conceive of, pal.

A negative campaign hurts us both. Direct attacks off the table?

Agreed.

I've waited too long for this.

You've waited? I was in France when she broke up with Andrew Ashworth.

Ashworth wasn't even the last shot.

She had a trial separation with Grant two years ago.

Whoa, whoa, how did I not hear about this?

I left my own brother's wedding to get the last train.

Arrived just as they got back together. I nearly shat blood.

Hey, you still got the eye crinkle?

f*cking killer.

May the best man win.

Oh, wow, this is fun!

So, moving in with Mal?

Yeah. Got to put my stuff somewhere.

Winning romantic of the month.

And how is romantic working out for you then?

You've got a complete life going on. Housing. Career.

Boyfriend. You just need a dog and then you're done.

You've won, and you can die.

Look, we've driven a really long way to a party that doesn't like us.

And we haven't seen each other for ages.

And I spent most of yesterday ordering storage boxes and new cutlery.

So I just think that we can do better than moaning.

Well, go on, then. Have you got any ideas?

No, but Luke has.

We do everything that he hasn't yet done.

I'm in. Let's do it.

Yes!

We got back together and now we've broken up.

Again. Is it me?

He wasn't good enough for you.

Well, Ilona and Grant spent many years together.

Let's credit her with some judgment.

I'm sure he was good but was he good enough?

Let's take the trouble to be specific, shall we, Ivan?

I just don't think we should push Ilona before she's ready.

I should just hand over my brain to you two. You guys are smart.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. I'm here for you, Illy.

Like I've always been here for you.

Now, honestly, how are you, Ills?

Yeah, actually seriously, how are you, Ils?

You guys are pretty good people, you know that?

I try.

I am.

Has Luke really never cooked a meal?

It's not crossed out.

I'm thinking we should be a bit more selective with the list.

Well, it does gets better.

Next, we are building a moon base "on the moon".

Was he planning on doing that before or after meeting Sue Barker?

Why weren't the three of us close like this at school?

It feels like we should have been.

Is it crazy to say that?

If that's crazy then I'm my mother's cat.

Ivan, you nutter!

People assume you want to eat the fish, but carp tastes disgusting.

Not an eating fish!

No, no, strictly a sporting fish. but they're bloody cunning too and, and the big ones, you know, they're strong.

Great. Good to know.

Done! Next on the list!


Oi!

And now one from me.

Oh, my God. Amazing!

You've even got... like... family photos. How did you...?

Just whatever I could find online.

This one's from my camera-phone.

Um, you must have put that on Instagram.

I'm pretty sure I didn't, but... thank you.

I can't compete with that. Um, this is a very little thing.

Do you remember that school trip to Greece?

That little shop near the Acropolis that sold figs soaked in spirits and spices?

Well, I remember you eating one and saying it tasted like the whole country had been distilled into each mouthful.

And you just seemed really, really happy then.

Anyway, fast forward.

I was in Greece last summer and I was out walking and there it was, still there, still run by the same old woman.

I bought some figs and flew them home and now, this is the weird thing, because I love figs.

I didn't eat them. I just put them on a shelf.

It never seemed like the right time and then when I heard from you, I realised that was why.

They belonged to you, Ilona, and they always did.

And now, you have them, in your hands.

Chanting: Drink, drink, drink!

Oh, no!

Well, that was definitely amazing.

Right?

Is she trying to vomit?

She's got to "be amazing at drinking games".

It's on her to-do list for tonight.

All right, we're going again.

Thank, Christ!

I've got a to-do list for tonight. It's very short.

Right, you're up.

See you later.

Number 31. Jump out of a moving car, like James Bond.

Yes!

Five miles an hour?

No, ten.

Way too fast for how drunk we are.

Let's go!

And... now!

Why aren't you in the car?

Why aren't YOU in the car?! It was my turn.

No, it wasn't! Obviously, you were driving so I was the one to jump!

Wasn't obvious to me!

f*ck!

Is it fixed?

Yeah, yeah. It just needed a hair clip, and I happened to have one and now it's as good as new(!)

Luke will kill us.

sh1t, someone's coming.

We were walking nearby and we heard a noise.

Um, I mean... Look, look...

I saw it happen.

With us walking nearby?

And jumping out of the car. Why did you do that?

Please don't tell your sister.

Come with me.

Fair warning? I'm packing this.

Are you going to help us fix it?

I want something to buy my silence.

£5?

I want to see nudity.

I'm not showing you my bits.

No thanks, but I'm not at all interested in you.

(Music: Dance Wiv Me by Dizzee Rascal ft Calvin Harris)

Why would you want to see that?

Because I'm gay and I'm stuck in the Highlands, and I just thought this would be the only opportunity I'd get all year?

I thought blackmail would be a lot less argumentative.

Never mind.

I'd better go and tell Ilona.

Look, wait, wait, hang on!

How much do you need to see to make all of this go away?

This is some excellent blackmailing.

Oh, thanks.

Whose side are you on?

Well, blackmailing a girl's creepy. This is kind of endearing.

I definitely want to see the pen1s.

Less so now.

(Dance Wiv Me continues playing)

(Slow song plays)

(Traditional Irish music plays)

(Cheering)

(Music: She by Elvis Costello)

♪ She may be the beauty or the beast ♪
♪ May be the famine or the feast ♪
♪ May turn each day into A heaven or a hell... ♪

Have you got protection?

I've got a condom with your name on it.

This is already the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

Come on, get yer knickers off.

Why don't you just cram money into my waistband?

Can I?

No!

There. Satisfied?

Music: Gold Dust by DJ Fresh Greece must have been amazing.

Oh, yeah. Buying stuffed vine leaves for a few drachma... magical.

Do they not have the euro there?

Hey, do you remember that kiss at the school dance?

Yes. My friends gave me sh1t for that, but look at you now.

No, it was gutsy, I get it. Kissing Mumcut.

I was... I was grateful.

Your haircut was quite like your mum's though.

I mean, it was striking.

No, I had hair like Keanu Reeves at the end of Point Break.

I get Californian surf hair.

It looked quite like a bob.

My mum had very different hair. We both had follicles, that's all.

Hang on. I've got a piccie here somewhere.

Oh, yes! Here! Look.

(She laughs)

(She giggles)

I mean... come on.

You have to admit.

How come you've got the original?

What?

Well, people passed photocopies around at school, but this is...

This is the original.

It's not a big deal, is it?

I tried to make it up to you.

And I could have been climbing near Everest.

What?

The figs are from ASDA.

Now dance for me.

Oh, come on! It's just a car.

Do you know what a wing mirror costs?

I'll tell Ilona, I swear.

Do you know what? Send us the repair bill.

There's my card.

What does this mean?

Blackmail's over.

Oh. Well, that sucks.

Well, thanks for your help...

Cressida.

No problem.

Thank you for sharing.

You couldn't have thought of that card half-an-hour ago?

No.

Pass me my pants, please, Cressida.

What are you, like 12?

Come on.

(She giggles)

Leave me alone, otherwise they'll arrest you.

Come on!

Fivers in here.

Don't be a bitch. Please. Oi!

(They giggle)

No! Look, I'm trying to be helpful!

Music: Every Other Freckle by Alt-J You were magnificent tonight. I mean that.

You know something? You - more than Ilona - you were memorable tonight.

Come on. The River Dancing?

That was bold, bro. And the figs!

(He sighs)

I'll catch her in five years.

Don't bother. You can do better.

You know it was her who came up with Mumcut?

You and your mum both had great hair.

You just needed different great hair.

Thanks, man.

(Music: Let Me Down Gently by La Roux)

(Phone buzzes)

We shouldn't have...

No, it's not...

I'm not in a good place obviously or I... I wouldn't have... I'd have...

I don't want to f*ck things up for you and Mal.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

Sorry. I'm not, I'm not trying...

No, it's um...

Can you pass me my bra? Sorry, I can't reach it.

Can we have the radio on?

Music: Love Ain't Here Anymore by Take That.

Can we have it off again?

(Dylan turns off the radio)

Hello.

Hey, how was it?

Yeah. Yeah, you know.

I'm just going to take a shower.

Sure.

Cheers, Dil. Your very good health!

How do you manage with a cup that small?

We're not watering cans, Luke.

(She clears her throat)

Ah, you got the call, too.

You and Dylan did it, then.

No surprises there.

Yeah, good to see you, Jane!

If it comes back positive and I have to tell Mal...

Just tell him you sat on a dirty toilet seat.

That happens to girls a lot.

Evie, I didn't know I had it.

Yeah, well, that'll make everything better.

Music: Riverside by Agnes Obel How've you been?

I've had chlamydia.

Terrific.

Shall we?

You know, maybe I should have told you on the phone, but...

I'm glad you called me.

It makes sense of all the terrifying symptoms I've been having...

I'm kidding!

I got tested last year. Clean as a whistle.

You can relax.

Please relax?

Yeah, yeah. Let's do that.

I think I've forgotten how.

Just keep drinking. It's better than yoga.

Yeah. Good.

It's good to see you.

Let's order one of everything.

That ought to do it.

It's just like old times.

I want to talk to you about something.

Surprise!

All right? I'm Jonno.

What's up?

You. In about 20 seconds.

Guys, are you OK?

You have a very tense bum.

Not usually.

I've dated a lot of women approaching 30.

I'm not 30 for ages!

Mm, Happy birthday, Evie.

That's all I'm going to say about that one.

I did buy some p0rn.