01x04 - Jane

Marry in a church, get divorced in a warm office with comfy chairs.

That's good!

Maybe this will be us someday.


You just said "No" quite firmly.

So, moving in with Mal?

Yeah. Got to put my stuff somewhere.

Pass me my pants, please.

No! Look...

I'm not in a good place.

I don't want to f*ck things up for you and Mal.

How was it?

Yeah, you know.

I'm just going to take a shower.

'It's good to see you.'

I mean... it actually is.

You were an excellent receptionist.

I think I put "prompt and courteous" on the little feedback card.

Oh, that was you?

I got Employee of the Month because of that comment.

(They laugh)

Well, you know, you earned it the hard way.

What happened to the girl from the wedding?

Helen, the bride? Yeah, she and Angus split up.

He's... he's on our sofa.

No, the one you arrived with.

The one who took your room.


I, er, I bumped into her recently, actually.

She's a character.

But at the time I thought, um...

I was really sure, for a while. You know?

Yeah. I do.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Not just friends.

More than friends.

Agh! Friends, but...

Friends, but more than that.

Oh, f*cking hell.

Say it. Say it. Say it.

You were gone a while.

Yeah, um, well...

Don't need to know details. Ha!

Well, apart from whatever that was, are you having a good birthday?

Yeah. Um...

But I want to talk to you about something.

Hey, hey - wouldn't it be great if more of your friends could've joined us?



There's something that I need to tell you.


What were you going to say?

Ah, Jane's here.

Hey, hey, you know how you said you didn't want to spend another birthday as a single woman?

I definitely didn't say that.

You said it with your eyes.

Well, here is your first present from me - a hot date with an actual human man.


Jonno, get over here.

All right?

I'm Jonno.

I read your profile, twice.

I think we could be really simpatico.

What's my profile?

You're on some dating sites.


To meet people, obviously.

But they were all weirdos, so I found Jonno by the photocopier.

I'm Jonno.



Angus was there, on his knees, asking, and the word "Yes" just popped out of me like a baby.

Two weeks till the big day. Nervous?

Absolutely not. Are you seeing anyone now?

I'm Jonno.

No, I'm not.

What about you, Dyl?

This is Jane. Er, we met a couple of weeks ago.

Oh. When you know, you know.

Know what?


Excuse me, I'm just...

So, Evie. You've got 30 seconds to blow my mind.

What are you leading with?

Has anyone ever proposed to you yet, Jane?

Excuse me, just got to, um...


(She knocks door)

Let me in.


What's up?

You. In about... 20 seconds.

Oh, erm... Oh, I haven't washed my hands.

That's dirty.

Um, yeah, but not in a good way.

Shall I just nip out and give them a quick rinse?

What, what, what do you want me to do with your pants?

There's no coat hook.

Not wearing any.


(Buckle clinks, zip)

That's um... that's a great answer.

I'll tell you what I want to know.

I'm sure you will.

What are you afraid of? Boom.

I bet no-one's asked you that on a date before, have they?

This isn't a date.

No - technically, it's a birthday party with a date happening inside it.

I say, let's make it a date with a party happening nearby.

Do you feel me?

This IS a surprise party.

Mm, I don't know why people bother with beds.

I mean, we've got walls, somewhere to sit, somewhere to flush the condom afterwards. I'm never...

(Heavy petting)

My hand's dirty too.


Ow, my finger!

My f*cking ankle!


Ow, my finger!

Guys, are you OK...?

(Ambulance siren)

It was a judgment call.

You've a very tense bum.

Not usually.

Well, my finger's EXTREMELY painful.

That's like blaming the ground for being hard if you fall on it.

Well, the ground wouldn't go all tense.

It might, if you stuck your finger in it without asking.

I was trying to do something nice.

Oh, well, er... breakfast in bed is nice.

Or... a book token.

Not a book token shoved inside me, just, um, you know, handed to me, perhaps, in a card.

Well, I'm learning a lot tonight.

Er, flowers are a nice gift too, you know?

But again, not given anally.

Favourite film. Just putting that out there.

Jonno, it's all right to go home. The evening's over.

Oh, no, no, no. I never abandon a date.

I once lost a girl at a party.

Took me two hours to find her again, but I did.

Happy ending?


Just give me one shot, OK?

Do you want to come back to mine?


Oh, that's a good choice. Excellent. It's just too early...

Is that your one shot?

No, no.

It's just a... general enquiry.

So when you get my one shot, you'll know it.

Can we talk... outside?

Yeah, er...

It would be a tragedy, if we were ill for our special day, and there are a number of sick people in here that could be contagious.

It's a hospital. I think that's clear on most of the signs.

Perhaps we could wait in our car?

I could give you our phone number and you could give us a call.

Like a hotel wake-up call?


Do you want to order breakfast?

Angus. You have to stay awake.

Head injuries can't go to sleep, can they?

Ask a doctor.

You'll be seeing one in... three hours.

Take a seat.

Angus! Do something.

I'm awake!

It's just the red wine. And it's late.

It's nine o'clock, dude.

It's bedtime for us.

Not last night!

We were up doing table plans till half-past.

Hey, er... You queue. I'll... I'll keep him moving.


Yeah, trust me with him for an hour or two.

I'll look after him.

You've got him for the rest of your life.

Keep your phone on, Angus. Shouldn't be longer than an hour.

Three hours.

We'll see.

I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

The limp suits you.

Ruining your birthday because my girlfriend stuck...

She's not really your girlfriend, though, is she? I mean, it's only been two weeks.

What would you call her?

A phase?

Um, anyway, look, I don't really care about my birthday.

I've got... some things that we need to talk about.

Hey, how's it going?

How's it going with Jonno?

Yeah, I don't really know why he's here.

I think he's waiting for me to wait for you guys.

He's your hot date. Introduce him to people. Show him around.

Show him the real you.

Yeah, the real me wants to kill the real you.

Ah, see, it's that kind of attitude that's keeping you single, Evelyn.

Look, I get it. I've dated a lot of women approaching 30.

I'm not 30 for ages!

Hm. Happy birthday, Evie, that's all I'm going to say about that one.

Look, just give Jonno a chance. You never give guys a chance.

Remember Matt?

Racist Matt or Matt who stole our frying pan?

Jonno's not like the Matts.

Ah, sh...

Jane Ansell?


Wait a minute.

How does a sore finger top a head injury?

Where are YOU going?

I'm coming with you.

Do you do joint appointments?

It's one at a time.

This is just what people do.

He's just said they DON'T do that.

No, I don't want to jump the queue.

I want to hold your hand.

My hand's injured.

The other hand.

Well, if it makes you happy.

(Evie sighs)

All right. We're on a date.


Give me five minutes.

You will not regret this... much... at all.

For f*ck's sake...

Can I just ask... are you contagious?

My foot hurts.

But are you contagious?

I trod on some glass.


So... you inserted the index finger of your left hand...

I wouldn't say "inserted".

Inserted is slow and deliberate.

Try "stuck".

The finger was PUT... into the anus of your boyfriend?

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.


I'll rephrase.

I shouldn't make those assumptions.

The index finger...

Wait. You, you, you do know that we're going out?

I thought we were seeing each other.

Isn't it the same thing?


There's no problem here.

One finger - yours - went up him, he fell and hurt your finger.

And f*cked my ankle.

The ankle was used in the sexual activity, or...?

HURT my ankle.

It's not your appointment.

No, this is fine. I think I'm clear.

For my records, I'll just note him as your sexual partner.

He's... A sexual partner.

Well, A sexual partner historically, but THE sexual partner at the moment.

This is why they don't like people coming in here in pairs.

Are you seeing other people?

I can give you two a minute.

I'm only "seeing" you.

But I am sleeping with a couple of other people.


Ah! Stop it!


Stay with me, Angus. This is important. Angus, stay with me! Huh?

Now...who is the fittest single girl invited to your wedding?

I'm not sure.

I'm cupping water, Angus.

No! Her Maid of Honour! Catriona.


So how does this help my head injury?

Ssh, ssh, ssh.

Is there a singles table? Will she be on it?

Yes, but Helen has final say over the tables.


Helen likes me now I'm saving your life.

You've half-drowned me!

Only half. Now - promise me you'll have Helen seat me next to the sexy girl.

I'll do what I can.


Ow! f*ck's sake! I just said I'd help!

Exactly. Now I've got to keep you alive.

Let's take a walk, buddy.

What is the plan here, Jonno?

Hot date at the X-ray suite?

Blood work then a movie?



It's like a picnic... but without a rug or much food.

But there's a view.

I'm not a big fan of heights.


Chimney stack. It's sort of having a log-burning fire.

Incinerating medical waste. But, yes, it is romantic.

Erm, the garage didn't sell much except chocolate and p0rn, and I didn't buy any p0rn, obviously.

Nobody pays for p0rn any more.

It's all online, millions and millions of pages of the stuff.

Snickers or Twix?

Can I have a Twix after you've opened that door again?



Whoa, this is really badly designed.

Uhhh, I'm really not good with heights.

Why aren't you opening it again?

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Ohhh, I'm feeling a bit tense.


Oh, my God, I'm not, I'm...

Just hold on. I'll get you a doctor.

Just all the doctors are on the other side of this locked door.

Just f*cking open... Help! Help!

This is very surprising.

Surprising like how?

Surprising like a, a finger shoved in the arse, but emotional.

Why are you being so awkward about this?

Because I like you!

That's not my fault!

That came out wrong.

Just forget it. I, I thought, you know, that we were a, a "something".

I, I liked it.


When I was dating in New York, you'd agree, and I mean actually verbally agree out loud, when you were going to become exclusive.

But here, half the time who knows?

It's wonderfully British, isn't it?

Sexual confusion and binge drinking.

I hated New York.

And I think we're done here.

So you're really saying there's not a single girl out there you thought might be a keeper?

Hmm... I don't know. There might have been one girl, once, but she was going out with someone else, so...


So you're getting married in a fortnight - tell me about that.

Well, um, what do you want to know?

You see, for me, the fact that half the entire planet is made up of women - four billion of them.

Literally millions of them, really, really smoking hot.

I mean, when do you decide to draw the line?

Well, you don't decide, you just...

In my case, it was a beautiful evening.

We'd had some wine and I was squatting, tying my shoelaces and she said, "Stay there, Angus, and ask me the question".

And it turned out she had a ring! I've reimbursed her for it, of course.


She said, "Well, what are you waiting for?"

And I thought, "That's a good point".

So I popped the question.

And I feel bloody lucky she said yes.

Yeah, if not in any way, at all, surprised but...

So... er, how many other people are you seeing?

Like, a number?

Er, yeah. Or, you know, or a collective noun.

Erm, am I part of a bevy?

Or a pack?

Could you muster a basketball team between us?


Three basketball teams?

I like you the best.

The other two guys are just sort of... ongoing history.

Try calling again.

Phone's got nothing.

Well, call down to someone.

They'll probably arrest us for trespassing.

Well, there weren't any signs.

Well, there was one, but I took it down.

I didn't want it ruining the atmos of our date.

I did buy some p0rn.

There's one thing I was meant to do today.

Was it sitting on the cigarette butts on a hospital roof?

Ah, good sense of humour, check.

I got nine GCSEs.

I'm very open-minded.

Even about gypsies.

Why don't girls ever go for me?

It's not you, Jonno. It's just...

I like someone else. To be honest, I can't even tell if you're attractive, my head's that full of this other person.

So you're saying you can't rule out being attracted to me?

In a very, very roundabout way.

And even then, not really.

Right, I'm going to remember it as - was attracted to me, but had issues.

Oh, my God, thank you!

Pass us that bucket, will you?

You know, that's very bad for you.

It's a bit late for that.

Come on, let's go.

Dylan Witter?

No, I'll be all right.

I'm coming to hold your hand. You startle easily.

As we know.

Look, most guys I've been with were happy just to...

You're... unusual.

You actually want to me to hold your hand and not just your...

I get it. I get it.

Let me at least try.


Dylan Witter.

If we call him, and he isn't here, he's no longer here.

We will still see him tonight.

You will see him now, without delay, other than the brief delay of him not being here in this specific second, which is just circumstantial.

You're a lucky man. Sincerely, I think she might actually kill for you.

Injured people need rest, even I know that and I studied geography.

He is not losing his appointment to red bloody tape.

You think she's um, The One?

And only. She's... words fail me.

Terrifying. That's it. Absolutely f*cking terrifying.

Can Luke sit next to Catriona?

Absolutely not.


I can stay.

No, you get some rest. I'll go and find the others.

Hey, do you want to go to Angus and Helen's wedding?

Because that's what couples do?

They do.

All right.


I've got a great feeling about us.

How's the ankle?

I'll live.

I think me and Jane are now more than an item.

That's good.

Oh, I forgot to say, um...

I did get you a card but I forgot to bring it.

But I did write in it, though. Do you mind waiting?


I can wait.

Jane was clearly a keeper. I think you've made a terrible mistake.

Yeah, well, you know, the world just wasn't ready for a love that powerful.

What about you and me?


Dylan, this has been fun, but it's not going to break my heart if this evening's all that it is.

I was curious about you.

And now I know.

I do want to see you again.

But I think that might be a terrible decision and...

I think maybe I shouldn't be allowed out of a box for at least a year.

Shouldn't you be having these thoughts quietly inside your head while you try and get me into bed?

That would make much more sense, yeah.


Can I buy you ladies some drinks?

Nothing from you, Luke.

I, I don't think so.

I just want my brother to stop worrying about me.

Wilkommen! Bienvenido! Bienvenuto!

Did you just touch my arse?


You have to relax. He'll like you.

He will like me?

As in, currently he doesn't like me?

How's the investigation going?

What did he do to Diana?

With Diana.

No, more like on Diana.

Why would not have brought the lenses?

Why would you take your eye off your camera in a sketchy bowling alley?!

Is there a problem here? If not, I'm having a difficult time, you know. Ooh... did I do Dutch mud flaps on her?


Nothing. Let's go in.