01x05 - Bethany

[bunniefuu]

I've got... some things that we need to talk about.

Who is the fittest single girl invited to your wedding?

.. And that's why I love penguins!

(Laughter)

Argh!

Argh, my finger!

Are you OK?

You never give guys a chance.

All right? I'm Jonno.

I've had chlamydia.

Terrific.

What about you and me?

I do want to see you again.

It's not you, Jonno. I like someone else.

Do you mind waiting?

Yeah. I can wait.

Ha! The baby really goes with the garden.

And the mug.

It all sort of... bangs together.

How are you? Apart from the...

Yeah, thanks for being understanding.

Well, it takes two to tango.

I've always hated condoms.

And there's the proof.

Seems like a happy kid.

How's life?

You seeing anyone?

Not really. Er...

I went for a drink with someone who seems great. Maybe that's a thing.

But I did sort of er fall for someone... but she's getting married.

Evie's getting married? Are you going to say something?

Sort of let things drift and hope they sort themselves out?

That is my kind of strategy.

I know.

Are you sure you want to wear THAT shirt?

What's wrong with it?

Just... looks a bit... Canadian.

Well, you know. If I'm called on to fell a tree, I want to be ready.

I just want my brother to stop worrying about me.

You're evidence that I can be with someone nice and normal who I can have a serious relationship with.

Just be amazing tonight, OK?

That's quite a bit of pressure because I have to be nice and normal and... serious and amazing.

You're basically saying I have to be dazzling and now I'm using words like dazzling, which is just incredibly camp.

I just didn't realise that this dinner was that big a deal.

If you manage not to incite racial hatred, you'll be doing a lot better than my last ex.

OK. OK.

♪ One night, you came on over to me ♪
♪ Late night, we shared a drink or three ♪
♪ Night night, I read a proverb to you ♪
♪ That night, she left a room with a view ♪
♪ Take all the time, time that you want to ♪
♪ Make up your mind, mind how you go ♪
♪ Take me in time, time to the music ♪
♪ Take me away to the twilight zone. ♪

Just looking for that special ball. It's out there. Somewhere.

I feel your pain!

Yeah!

Can I buy you ladies some drinks?

No, thanks.

But I appreciate the offer and your ongoing friendship, as I'm sure your workmates do too.

Mandy, Naomi...

Diana?

Nothing from you, Luke.

Can I buy you a drink, Mandy?

Pint, please, Naomi.

No, no. I'll get them.

Yeah... I don't think so.

Luke, this is weird, me coming out to your office party.

You temped with us once. You count. How's the investigation going?

I can tell you that they all dislike you.

Yeah, I know that, but why?

Every girl in the company is freezing me out.

I don't remember the last time one of these frauleins let me buy them a drink.

The last time was the 21st of November, in the King's Arms.

You bought Mandy a tequila sunrise and Naomi told her to give it back to you...

That whole memory trick thing is not an endearing habit.

It's not a habit, it's an ability.

Let's agree, you shouldn't do it.

Yeah.

I've got to get to my job.

You've still got an hour. Please?

I need you. You're proof that some women still talk to me.

You could practise with me, Evie.

Practise what?

Being a woman.

Talking to a man.

I think I've got that covered.

It doesn't make any sense. One minute, I was their big cuddly Lukey-bear.

They were giving me sweet tea and biscuits, the next...

It's that Diana. She's turned them against me.

It's like a corporate Che Guevara.

I'll get the girls some drinks. I'll do some digging.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good idea. Tell them the drinks came from me.

I don't think so! I want them to like me!

So do I!

(Doorbell rings)

Dyl, Gareth. Gareth, Dylan.

Wilkommen! Bienvenido! Bienvenito! Bienvenue!

I'm saying "welcome" in many different languages.

Sure, I got that.

You can probably stop it though now, Dylan.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, shall I...?

Thank you.

Oh, I'll just move some of mine.

Wow! You have a lot of coats here.

Shall we get Gareth a drink?

Yeah. Let's absolutely do that.

Did you just touch my arse?

Yeah... Yes.

Why?

Um...

Well, my... My...

My hand just...

Erm... Went... Went there.

What's happened to us? Work used to fun. You know?

Good people, occasional nudity.

You had some very good days.

And those nights...

Those crazy f*cking nights!

(He chuckles)

The last time we came bowling, he did this whole big speech about how the ten pins were arranged to look like a woman's muff.

And the point of the game was to swing your big balls at it, aiming for the middle.

Which is where the vag*na is, at the bottom of the triangle.

I know where it is.

They talked about it for like ten minutes. It was funny at the time.

He's not nasty, is he? He's just Luke.

He used to be funny.

After what he did with Diana...

You're not meant to say.

What did he do?

Can't say.

It's a mega secret. Only us girls know.

Tits right here. I qualify.

Come on. What did he do to Diana?

With Diana.

No, more like on Diana.

In Diana?

I'm guessing he slept with Diana.

That would have been acceptable.

We've all done that with Luke, more or less.

I haven't done much with him.

I said, more or less. You're less.

Still too much though, now we know what we know.

Can I know what you know?

No.

No.

Wow! This looks really lovely.

Dylan's an excellent cook.

So, how long have you two been living together?

(He chokes)

Er... We're... We're not... living together.

He thinks we're living together.

I'm here quite a lot though.

Yeah, but you're... post doesn't come here.

That's the rule.

So, tell me, Dylan, you've been together five months.

Do you believe in commitment, marriage... monogamy?

Gareth.

What?

Just want to make sure my sister's with a man who's willing to fully get behind her.

(He laughs)

What?

You OK?

I...

Er, yeah... Uh... nothing.

It's just... what you said.

Oh, I get it. Get behind me.

So, you mean it sounded like I was talking about you having sex with my sister doggie-style?

Um...

Ye.. Yeah, yeah. But... not in a bad way, just... Um...

It's just the words.

I've got a theory. Diana likes you.

Yeah, it comes across like she strongly dislikes me.

Oh, yeah.

With the hostility and her refusing to eat lunch in the same room as you on the 3rd of May.

And she left the room quite pointedly on the 15th...

Samuels.

Yeah.

She's your big problem, right? Meaning you think about her all the time, meaning you're obsessed with her. You can't eat, sleep, you want to know why she's treating you like this.

And so, the spider catches her fly.

Buzz!

Bl-bl-bl-bl.

Treating you mean and keeping you keen.

Yeah.

Am I keen?

I mean, I would.

I definitely would.

She's into you.

She f*cking wants me!

Ha-ha! I feel so stupid that this didn't even occur to me!

Stupid boy.

No.

What are you going to do about it, Luke Curran?

It's time to go bowling.

Wait, wait, wait.

It's cool. I got this.

Ladies...

Yeah, we're not ladies. We're women. That's right, isn't it?

We've had our differences.

From day one, you've been cold, angry, but I get it now.

Oh, I am wise to your mind games. So, no more bollocks.

Let's settle this like men.

On the floor, naked, with all our clothes off, getting all up inside each other.

Too much?

Oh!

In my defence, I thought my theory was robust.

I heard the slap halfway across the room.

It's the wooden lanes, they amplify sounds.

Thank you for that, Samuels.

Apparently, you did something with, on, or possibly in Diana, before she joined the company.

What?! I'd never met her before!

Well, she told Mandy and Naomi that you did something terrible to her.

Ooh.

Did I do Dutch mud-flaps on her?

I don't know... what that even is.

Would I Dutch mud-flap on a woman like Diana? I don't think I would.

At the risk of sounding like a virgin...

Which you are.

What is a Dutch mud-flap? How do I get one?

Don't answer that until I've left the building.

I've got to be able to look at you in the eye tomorrow.

I've got to go. I'm going to be late.

No, it's k*lling me here.

I'm sure I didn't... Not with Diana.

Now, the Dutch part of it's easy.

I'm out of here.

Did anyone else feel that?

It's like me and her are going to burst into flames.

You have to relax. He'll like you.

He will like me?

As in currently he doesn't like me?

You just sang him an R Kelly song.

My camera!

Just be yourself.

It's almost impossible to be myself when I'm concentrating on being myself.

Most days, I don't even think about who I am, let alone focus on it really hard.

Dylan, please... Do it for us.

OK.

No, no, no!

(Mobile rings)

Excuse me.

Thank God, Evie.

Listen, is it possible to get into a serious relationship with someone without even realising it?

I... I'm very happy, it's just...

She's got products here. Very many products.

Dylan, my camera's been nicked.

What?

Can you please bring my other camera cos I'm going to be late for the sh**t?

It's not like I'm doing a brilliant job in there.

All the more reason to stay. This is important.

Look, I'll be back soon.

It'll give me time to gather myself and come back like less of a...

Complete psycho?

Yeah.

Well, I was going to say idiot, but thanks for the confidence boost.

Be serious.

Yeah.

That's it! That's my camera! Can you zoom in on him?

No.

No, you can't zoom in because we're at a bowling alley and you don't work for MI5.

Thank you, thank you. You're the best. Thank you so much.

OK...

Oh! Where's the bits?

Bits?

The lenses, the battery pack.

The stuff that makes this into a proper camera.

The stuff that was right next to it in the drawer.

Oh, Dylan.

Thank God you're here. Evie has been useless. The women still hate me.

Is that not a camera? It's a lot of a camera. Not enough?

I need your help.

Why would you not have brought the lenses?

I don't know, why would you take your eye off your camera in a sketchy bowling alley?

When you put it like that...

Dylan...

Here's how you do it next time.

You say - can you bring me the camera, the lenses and battery pack?

You're not a child!

Some kind of problem here?

If not, I'm having a difficult time.

I'm doing you a favour!

Dylan...

I'm not even meant to be here.

They made me hire shoes to hand over your stupid camera!

Dylan!

WHAT?!

Thank you. Now, women find you likeable. What's your secret?

Dylan!

Luke! Can we please just focus on me for a second because I've just lost a good job and a camera and my last chance to be able to pay my rent without turning to f*cking pole dancing!

You wouldn't be any good. You need a lot of upper body strength.

All I want to do is get out of this place and get a drink.

So, you've still got your wallet?

Please, can you buy me a drink?

I should really get back.

Yeah... Of course.

It'll be OK, I promise.

All right, let's get a quick drink. Luke?

I'd love to, guys, but I've got to fix my situation here.

Great hug though. Very timely, very warm, loving embrace.

The worst thing is I bought that camera with my dad's money.

You should get back to Bethany.

Can... can I just ask, did I ask Bethany to move in with us by accident?

Well, our fridge is full of her probiotics.

Don't people normally have a conversation before they move in together?

You gave her a set of keys. I just assumed...

No, no, don't assume!

I just let her use the spare set.

That's very, very different. Isn't it?

Well, do you want to live with her?

Why is everyone asking me that question tonight?

That's the guy that stole my camera!

Wait, hey! What's the plan here?

I want my camera back.

OK, but what's the actual plan?

I'm going to bite his legs off.

Erm, do you need me here for that?

Oh, OK. Are you even sure it's the right guy?

I mean, you know, stripy T-shirts are in fashion.

They've never really gone out of fashion, to be honest...

Dylan.

(Phone rings)

Come on, OK, I...

Dylan? No! Sh.

Dylan, where are you?

Yeah, sorry. I've kind of got my hands full here.

(She groans)

Dylan...

Where? Full of what?

Hang up. Let's do this.

No.

Look, Dylan, let's do this.

OK, something's come up. You should start pudding.

(He grunts)

What? Why not?

Please, please.

He's big. He's going to k*ll me.

Hey! I don't know what I've...

I don't know what...

I don't know what the...

I don't know what I'm supposed to have done.

Now, I vaguely remember wiping my penis on some girl's curtain.

I don't remember who the girl was and if it was you, I am sorry, and I will pay for the dry cleaning.

You're disgusting.

Ah, come on.

Disgustingly brilliant!

Let me tell you a few home truths about your friend Luke.

It was at the Transmedia Conference in Leeds two years ago in May.

We met at the bar and afterwards...

But I wasn't there!

Yes, you were!

Two years ago in May the whole company was in France building the primary app. It's all in the record.

We tried Pinot Noir. It's the red one.

Those were some crazy f*cking nights!

You weren't there?

Not even a little bit!

Erm, the Trans-M Conference is held once a year in Leeds and two years ago, the dates were the 18th to the 21st of May, and the delegate ticket price was £240.

We didn't go.

It's a gift!

Because we were in France, in Lyon, which is 290 miles from Paris...

Maybe enough now, Samuels.

Yeah, yeah.

He certainly looked a lot like you.

It wasn't me!

Well, this is awkward.

You told the girls that I...

I might also have added a few details that made it sound worse.

But in my defence, I was wrong.

They hate me!

Look, I'm not sure what else I can do to...

Can I just say, all is definitely forgiven.

Stop talking. You're ruining it.

(They moan)

Could... could we maybe offer him use of the camera on alternate weekends?

I've thought of a way to get it back.

Really? How?

Give me back my camera!

Brilliant plan(!)

Give it to me!

It's mine!

Can we be adults about this, please?

Ow!

(Loud slap)

Who slaps people?

It's my camera.

It's mine.

Let's take a little look. What's on here then?

You know... pictures? Of people and places and stuff.

Photos of various people.

Huh! Exactly what I said!

You see? Copying.

Here.

Thanks.

Huh! I want a lawyer.

I am so glad you're not that guy.

Me too. What did that arsehole do to you, anyway?

He called it his Dutch mud-flaps? I was pretty wasted.

And this... this was in Leeds two years ago?

Hm... maybe it was three?

♪ I never know what kind of day it is ♪
♪ On my b*ttlefield of ideals ♪
♪ But the way she touches and the way it feels... ♪

Thank you for staying.

No problem.

I still can't believe that you took a hit for me.

Well, a slap.

Well, if anyone asks there were three of them and you saw it with your own eyes, so...

Yeah, that's how I remember it as well, so...

What?

Nothing. Let's go in.

I'm really sorry about tonight. It's my fault.

I know.

I mean, I know you're sorry.

Glad you got your camera back.

Yeah, me too.

I'm sorry. We got caught up.

I know. Everyone's sorry.

I got punched!

He did. It was magnificent.

There's no bruise.

Well, you know, you've got to give these things time.

I'm going to go to bed. Good night.

Tonight was really important to me.

I know. I'm... I'm sorry.

On the upside I think your brother loves me.

I look back all the time now, going over and over things.

It doesn't help anyone but, you know, you've got to have a hobby, right?

Well, people do that.

Maybe not people with babies, that's only because we're too tired to remember yesterday, let alone...

God, what was it? Three, four years ago?

Four.

It's nice to see you happy.

Are you going to talk to Evie?

Well, that's the problem. You know, she's happy too.

And Mal's a good guy.

Can I give you my advice?

Don't hang around for someone who doesn't really sort of urgently want to be with you.

You might miss out on all the good stuff.

Here.

(Baby cries)

♪ It's real, it's real ♪
♪ Let your loving be the proof ♪
♪ I can tell it is the truth by the feel ♪
♪ By the feel... ♪

Have you heard back from everyone?

What about girls like, erm... Phoebe Morris?

You are really beautiful, Dylan.

Why do you look nervous? Phoebe's great, isn't she?

The thing with Phoebe is she's Luke.

Prawn cocktail! Best flavour...

Ever.

Evie Douglas...

Whoa, you're not going to propose, are you?

No! Do you want me to?

Evie kissed me on the forehead!

You're amazing!

I love you!

Good quiz?

You didn't miss anything. Nothing happened.

I'm getting married!

That's great.