01x06 - Phoebe

You've tested positive for chlamydia.

You'll need to contact your previous sexual partners.

This... is a surprise party.

She's cute.

She's my best friend.

You went out with Evie?

So you're really saying there's not a single girl out there you thought might be a keeper?

Mm...

So, moving in with Mal?

Yeah. Got to put my stuff somewhere.

Are you going to talk to Evie?

That's the problem. You know, she's happy too.

Have to start saving up again so you can all get drunk at the wedding!

(Cheering)

Morning.

Who knows what you've given me this time.

Er, I can give you breakfast.

Or herpes.

I don't have herpes, I have... All-Bran, and toast.

Got to get to work.

You remember Angus? He's staying on our sofa.

Even though we've got a perfectly good spare room.

It's temporary.

I worked the bar at your wedding.

It was a lovely cake.

Um, they're having a bumpy time, so...

Shall we not wait another three years this time?

Sounds good.

'Abigail!'

A is for Abigail, first name on the list. You sneaky little minx.

Is this the idea with all the girls?

Yeah, chlamydia. My genius plan comes to fruition.

Have you heard back from everyone? What about girls like, um...

I don't know, Phoebe Morris?

Yeah, no. Not... not her.

Her phone's disconnected and her e-mail bounces back.

Well, did you try her parents? Didn't she live with them?

Probably just didn't feel like replying.

Or she's changed her number and your e-mails are going to her spam folder and she's living in ignorance of a serious medical condition, the consequences of which are on your head, Dil.

We'll take my car.

What, you're coming?

I'm here for you, man. You are not going to do this alone.

I have been doing this alone. And that's been fine.

Shh, shh, shh.

I'm here for you all the way. All the way, man.

Evie's test results came back clear, so officially I haven't ruined her life. I'm seeing her later.

That's cool.

Why do YOU look nervous?

About to call in at her parents' for news of a s*x disease.

You don't find that a little bit awkward?

Er... I was going to lead with, "Hello, is Phoebe in?"

Hi. Er, I'm Dylan. Er, this is Luke.

We were wondering if, er, we could get Phoebe's contact details from you?

I tried calling her old number but the line doesn't work.

It was only six months ago.

All her cards are up in her room if you want to have a look.

People do.

How did you two know Phoebe?

Phoebe's great, isn't she?

Yeah, definitely.

How's it going?

Yeah, good, good. Really good. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Get to the problem.

Yeah, well, you know, er something's not right.

But, um, I can't put my finger on it.

Is she secretly fat?

She looks good naked.

Does she have a pen1s?

She looks good naked.

Do you hate her?

Yeah, great, well done. You nailed it(!)

Um, four pints of lager, please. Oh, and what was Angus having?

Rum and milk.

He says it works.

How's that going?

Look, Angus is sweet and he likes me, and I can rely on him.

You sound like a proud dog owner.

That's the thing, breaking up with him would be like drowning a puppy.

Quizmaster: The final round of the quiz is about to start.

In what year did Prince William and his current girlfriend, Kate Middleton, first meet?

Ooh, I know this!

It was at St Andrews and she went there to meet him.

Angus loves the Royal family.

Meeting at uni. Starting as friends.

Becoming lovers.

Can we...

We are the Wills and Kate of our friends.

Yeah, can we...

Present company aside, I think, you know, friends becoming relationships, it's just settling.

Well, no, William and Kate...

Angus! You're disrespecting the quiz.

You have to prioritise the answer.

Otherwise we'll get behind and...

Question two!

Ah(!) ~ See?

Who replaced Peter Gabriel as the lead vocalist of Genesis in 1975?

See? Soon we'll be asking him to repeat the question.

Everyone hates those people.

Happily, question two was THE easiest quiz question of all time.

In his heart he will always be a drummer.

But by God he knows his way around a ballad!

What are you guys talking about?

Both: Er, Phil Collins!

Boom!

Oh, Dylan only likes bands people have never heard of.

Er, yeah, he took me to see this band from Norway. Nobody danced.

They were great. I loved that gig!

And I love that you loved that gig.

God, I love how he loves things.

(They both sigh)

Dil? We forgot the crisps.

Huh?

The crisps that we bought? We left them on the bar. Come and give me a hand carrying them.

Right, I have figured out your Phoebe problem.

Um, two packets of prawn cocktail, please.

OK, the thing with Phoebe... is she's Luke.

She IS Luke?

Yes. She is Luke with a v*g1n*.

Er, yeah, well, um, I like both of those things, but not together.

And anyway, look, that's crazy. What...

Look at them and tell me it's not true.

Look, even though you're wrong, now I'm going to have that idea in my head tonight.

Question three, what is the chemical compound C10H15N better known as on the street?

God, it's like they're writing us the cheque!

Is it carbon dioxide?

No, it is methamphetamine.

AKA crystal meth, AKA crank, AKA go-go juice.

These guys and chemistry! It's pretty impressive stuff.

Ah, prawn cocktail. Best. Flavour.

Ever.

Um, excuse me.

Oh, come on! Why is no-one taking this quiz seriously?

Dylan, you just sat down!

Going to the loo.

Ooh, me too.

Ah...

What?!

Do you need the loo?

No, I need some space to think.

Me too.

I'm going to have to break up with Phoebe. I mean, she's... she's funny, and she's nice and we get on really well...

Sounds intolerable.

Do you think Phoebe's like Luke?

Yes, I can see that.

Really?

They're basically exactly the same. I thought that's why you liked her.

Yeah, it's weird. Hey, hey, don't tell him about this, will you? It'd really hurt his feelings.

What, to have his female counterpart rejected by you?

Yeah. You don't get to dump someone's opposite s*x doppelganger and not seem offensive.

I don't know. Maybe it'll turn around in my head and be fine.

Do... do you think that can happen? Because, um...

Evie kissed me on the forehead.

The forehead instead of the mouth.

I think we're going backwards, back into when we were friends.

If I could turn it around... Do you think that can happen?

I've been working on the assumption that it can't.

Well, good luck to us.

Mm.

Shall we have a wee just to round things off?

While we're here?

Yeah.

I need to talk to you about something. Outside?

Seriously?

Our five-person quiz team has only got two players who can sit still for more than a minute.

Evie Douglas.

Angus, you're freaking me out.

I've... got to get this out, just give me a minute.

You're not going to propose, are you?

No! Do you want me to?

No! No, you're just... you're being a bit weird.

I'm taking a job.

It's a new job. And... it's good... um... but it's in a city far away.

Have you ever heard of Sunderland?

Angus, that is brilliant news! Congratulations!

(She sighs)

Oh, you're taking it better than I thought.

OK... No, it is good news.

OK, question while you were in the loo.

It's got us stumped.

How many colours on the Scottish flag?

Has it got a thistle on it?

It's blue and white.

No, dude. Tartan's always got more than two colours. It's...

It's not tartan. It's... blue and white.

No... It doesn't matter.

Um, I don't think you've... quite mastered the question of this.

It's OK.

It's fine.

Doesn't matter.

Angus got a job in Sunderland.

And you're taking it!

Course he is!

It's a brilliant opportunity doing... the thing that he does.

But over there now.

Guys, sorry to be the quiz fascist, but we are kind of stuck on the flag question.

Yes.

I think I'm done quizzing.

What?! There are rules about this sort of thing! You can't just...

I'll come with you.

Make the most of you while I can.

Who leaves a quiz at question eight?

Both: Unbelievable.

I'll... I'll see you back at the flat.

What?

She's too Luke.

Question nine.

Name the American holding the most Wimbledon singles titles.

Navratilova.

Sampras.

Ooh, good call. Changed her citizenship in 1975.

Yeah, came out as gay in 1981. Balls were ruled out forever.

I'll write it in the...

Yeah, let me see the que...

Yeah, no, it's definitely Navratilova.

Yeah, I think it is, isn't it?

It's only three-and-a-half hours on the train to Sunderland.

And only three changes.

Basically another country.

What shall I say to Phoebe?

I'm usually honest about break-ups, or it's not me, or they're French.

Tell her you're moving to Sunderland.

Hey, don't be sad. What we've had has been great. Really amazing.

We'll always remember it, it'll be a high bar for everyone else to reach.

You have to follow your dreams, Angus, you just have to.

I'm going to make a phone call.

Is it worse to break up with her tonight when she's a bit drunk, or should I go to bed with her knowing that in the morning I'll have to...?

This is Luke's fault, for not being different to her.

We have a tie between the Trainspotters...

And The Winner Of The Quiz is.

And, yes, that is their very annoying team name.

It all comes down to the tie-breaker.

I have never wanted anything more than this.

Other than a silver sports car.

Aw, nice. Something German?

Yeah. German and vintage.

Yeah.


You don't think you're overdoing it a bit with Angus?

What?

"We'll always remember the amazing romance that is us"?

I feel I like him a lot more now.

Now that he's going?

Yeah, but it's been really nice having someone.

It's coming up to a year since Da...

I know. But you're amazing.

And you deserve to have someone who makes you feel that and not just safe.

Like I should probably find someone who isn't just a photocopy of Luke with breasts drawn on.

Which is the kind of thing that Luke or Phoebe would do to a photocopy, isn't it, so...?

Closest answer wins.

How long did it take Apollo 11 to reach the moon?

It's a space question. I know all about space.

It's 250,000 miles to the moon.

Well, yeah, obviously.

Apollo's top speed was, what, 25,000 miles an hour?

But it definitely took more than ten hours.

How many Earth orbits were there?

And Lunar orbits. About 30?

Four-and-a-half days.

I'd say three-and-a-half. Why wait to touch down?

They waited.

I don't agree.

Trust me.

I had the Junior Space Commander's Space Annual.

I had that and the Final Frontier Encyclopaedia. The one with the...

Both: Command module blueprints.

Yeah.

Wicked. Four-and-a-half days.

I hope to God you're right.

Answers in please.

And the correct answer is...

4 days...

6 hours... and 45 minutes.

And so the winner of quiz is... And The Winner Of The Quiz Is!

You're amazing!

I love you!

Um.

I mean... quizzes, I love your quizzes.

Yeah.

So do you want to, er...?

I think we should focus on walking.

Yeah. That was a kiss.

No, it wasn't. It was an accidentally rubbing together of the faces.

Yeah, well, I sort of feel like we've been wanting to rub our faces together for a while.

What? Not even in the slightest, OK?

And anyway, we can't even think about that right now.

I am trying not to. But you said you loved me.

We have to put those thoughts in a box.

And then lock that box and pretend it doesn't exist.

Yeah.

How's that working out for you?

Pretty f*cking great, thanks.

Yeah.

Good quiz?

Oh, you didn't miss anything. Nothing happened.

Well, we won. There was that.

The, er... Scottish flag question?

You know your national flags, Dyl.

Right on the money there, big D!

OK, then.

Oh actually, we should probably give Dylan some money?

For that answer.

We should, we should.

Um, what have I got?

I've got a fiver here for the... for the D-man!

Yeah, no, I don't need a fiver. I just want to talk to Phoebe.

Yeah, course. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, course, you guys should... that'd be great. I'll just...

I'll leave the fiver on there for you, mate.

You are really beautiful, Dylan.

You've got the big soul. The face.

The whole package.

Um, thanks, but...

But the truth is, I'm not big on relationships.

Yeah, if anyone was going to change that, it was you.

You are quite compelling.

The hair.

The... spooning.

But it didn't work.

Hang on...

Breaking up is a harsh phrase.

I just can't be in a relationship with you right now.

Or ever again, even though you're beautiful.

Yeah. OK.

You know, maybe, if we'd been completely different people, it could have worked.

I know what you mean.

Yeah.

Hey, buddy. What's, er, what's up?

Phoebe just broke up with me.

Um, I'm really sorry, man.

Nothing to get over, honestly. It's...

Sure.

I'll get the vodka.

Evie, you're right. You're always right.

What have I done?

Well, you told me what we had was amazing.

You told me to follow a dream. And my dream is you.

Call one. I declined the job.

Call two. Confirmed tickets to Tenerife.

Two of them!

Surprise holiday! Can you believe it?

I can't.

Nobody can.

Angus, I think I've lost my passport though.

I needed it to book the tickets. I found it in your drawer.

I'm going home to get cracking on the itinerary.

Tomorrow, I am taking you for breakfast at the Bucchan. My treat.

I'm really sorry, man. I am.

So now I know how it feels to have Luke break up with me.

Very persuasive.

She was so confident, I barely noticed getting dumped.

Send me detailed notes, will you?

I need to break up with Angus as soon as I get back.

And in the meantime, enjoy a wonderful intimate week together.

Ohhh! How did I get here?

You were trying not to hurt his feelings because he's a friend and you just need to do that for a little bit longer.

Yeah. From now on, we only go out with people that we're not friends with.

That's what we'll do.

I kissed her. Just before she broke up with you.

Really?

You're not angry?

Not really. I mean, it was five years ago.

Why are you pissed-off?

You always do this.

Fall for girls that aren't right for you and then, because you're so picky...

Hey, what's going on?

Then you cry and you moan, and because of that, she's out of bounds to everybody for ever.

What are you talking about? I haven't done anything wrong.

Yes, you have!

Don't do that again!

What are you talking about?

Thanks, Mrs Morris.

We were both in love with her.

You should have said something.

You don't go out with your best mate's ex if he really liked her.

Everybody knows that.

I would have been happy for you.

Not at first maybe, but...

You have to say something to Evie.

That's different.

No, it's not. Don't be the good guy.

Dylan, you'll f*cking regret it for ever.

I will say something to Evie.

Liar.

And anyway, I'm moving on. Abigail.

Liar.

It really is a great car.

Do you want to go for a quick drink?

I can put Evie off for another night.

And another, and another.

No.

It's OK, there's plenty of light.

Oh, all right.

(Both speak at once)

You go first.

OK. Um... maid of honour.

It's meant to be your best friend, um... obviously, I wouldn't ask you to do the hen do.

And, you know, you can say no.

I just... I want you there with me.

Yes, of course. Wow. Um, amazing. Thank you.

Um, can't wait to shop for that dress.

Good. Thank you.

What was your thing?

I... I just want to say... this is good. Being here.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm in a really good place. Getting married!

Yeah.

And Mal is a... he is a really great guy and I feel like I can rely on him.

That's great.

The worst thing though is the wedding photographer.

I mean, obviously, I have to have one.

I just... I know I'm going to spend the whole time thinking about how they need to change lenses and how they could be using the marquee canvas to bounce light and it's just...

He's in love with you. That's why he's miserable all the time now.

And not as friends, Evie. I mean, he's in love with you and he's trying not to tell you, and if he doesn't, it'll be the biggest regret of his life and probably yours.

That's the truth.

Are you?