02x20 - The Graduate

[bunniefuu]

♪ University.

JIMMY: Big day, Mick. How we feeling?

Huge day. I mean, are you kidding me?

Less than a year ago, this family was in total ruin.

Then Old Mick steps in and saves the day.

I'm so proud of you. I mean, what parent can say they got their kid into Yale?

Hey, you're not our parent.

Well, you're a bastard. Hey, guys, what's it like watching your big sis graduate?

I'm happy for her but sad for me.

I'm frickin' pumped.

Now with Sabrina out of the way, I can finally blossom.

The era of Chip 2.0 begins now.

What was wrong with the old Chip?

Ugh. He was no good.

I could do way better.

It all starts with the end of the year rager I'm throwing tomorrow. Normally, I'd say your nerd friends aren't allowed in my house, but I'm feeling particularly good today, so go nuts.

Terence Ogilvy, Emory University.

[SCOFFS] Emory. Sorry, Terence.

Hope your parents still love you. [LAUGHTER]

Excuse me.

We're Terence's parents.

Emory is a wonderful school.

Is it? Oh. All right.

I've just never heard of it. Where is your kid going?

Why don't you turn around? Maybe you'll learn something.

Sabrina Pemberton, Yale University.

[WHOOPING, CHEERING]

All right! That's how we do!

That's what I'm talking about! [AIR HORN BLARES]

[CHEERING, WHOOPING] Yeah!

[WHOOPS] Yeah!

It's weird to think at least a third of these kids are gonna be addicted to opioids at some point.

What are you talking about?

Guess who. [GASPS]

It's Farble, you stupid idiot.

Ugh, why are your hands so wet?

My palms sweat. Get over it.

I heard you're having a party tomorrow.

I'm coming. Quit it.

Let me know if you need help setting up.

All right. Who's that? Frickin' Farble.

We made out at Formal and now she won't leave me alone.

Well, what's the problem? Chick's into you.

Yeah, I know, and it's terrifying.

Oh, I don't know, man. I say you go for it.

No. Farble, she was just a detour.

I want a girl like Madison.

Look, girls like Madison are more trouble than they're worth, okay? Frabble, on the other hand...

Farble. All right, look. Whatever.

Okay, the two of you can form a partnership where you're free to explore each other's bodies in a non-judgmental way.

You know, does that feel good?

Does that hurt? What's that thing?

[GLASS RINGING] Guys.

We finally made it. The day has arrived.

And I think I speak for everyone at this table when I say we could not be happier to see you go. [LAUGHTER]

Oh. To the end of an era.

And to the beginning of a new chapter.

To the death of tyranny and to the birth of freedom.

From the fiery pits of h... Okay.

Okay, I get it. Yeah? You got it?

Hey, congratulations. Thank you.

[LAUGHS] Mmm.

I got something to say.

[SNIFFS]

Sabrina, I learned a lot from you this year.

I can only hope that you learned from me, too.

Because even though I can't... call you my little girl anymore, that... the... [GROANS]

[GULPS SQUEAKILY]

Need a minute?

No more toasts, 'kay?

Let's just eat. ALBA: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So, Sabrina, are you excited to leave?

Yeah, when you leavin'? Do you have an exact date?

No. I don't... I don't know.

Probably not for a while. Let's talk about something else.

Oh, not so fast. While we're on the topic.

Um, I was looking at the Yale Web site, they have all kinds of amazing summer courses. You brought a brochure?

Yeah, 'cause I thought you might be interested in spending your summer building robots.

I'm not. ALBA: Well, it's never too early to get acclimated to the campus. MICKEY: That's true.

You know what you could do is you could just pack up...

I'm not going. All right, fine, but, you know, y-you don't just build the robots, you also race them.

I don't care about the robots, I'm not going to Yale.

No, no, no. Y-You got to go.

The reign of Chip has already begun.

Right, and-and-and Pembertons go to Yale.

Isn't that, isn't that the family motto?

I don't want to talk about it. I don't care if you want to talk about it or not, I do, okay?

Because this is a decision that doesn't just affect you.

I didn't get in, okay?

Happy?

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

All right, I'm ready. [SNIFFS]

Sab... Where'd she go?

Oh man, college is so awesome. [LAUGHS]

Uh, bong rips and Hacky Sack and hung guys.

Oh, I would have been so good at college.

Can you focus, please?

I shouldn't have to remind you that the stakes are high.

You want Sabrina to live with us for the rest of her life?

No, that cannot happen. I won't allow it.

Hello. I'd like to speak with Dean Kirkland, please.

Do you have an appointment? Yes. Yes.

We are next. Great. What's your name?

[PHONE RINGING NEARBY]

Chang. We're the Changs.

Look, unfortunately, Dean Kirkland is completely booked up.

I can get you in the first week of August.

That's two months from now.

Sorry, it's the best I can do.

Okay.

Well, that's that. We're stuck with the bitch.

Uh-uh. I'm not leaving until I get five minutes with Dean Kirkland. What?

Give me a cigarette and some matches. Oh, okay.

What are you gonna do? I'm doing a hot foot.

I'm gonna stick this to her shoe. Yeah.

Once the cigarette burns down, the matches ignite and...

Kaboom. Bitch is toast. Yeah. What? No.

Not kaboom. I just want to create a diversion so I can slip in to the dean's office for a little face time.

Oh, genius. Okay. What should I do?

You just make sure Brian Chang stays as far away from here as possible.

What? Wait? How will I know which one he is?

Don't worry about it. I know a Chang when I see one.

Man, there-there are a lot of 'em, aren't there?

Okay. Uh, plan B. Okay, what should we...?

Chang! What?

Chang! What are we do...?

I... what are we...?

Uh... Oh, no. Uh, Chang?

Hi, I-I'm Brian Chang.

This is my mom, Susan. Hi.

Hi. I, uh, I am Alba... Smith.

I am an as-associate of Dean Kirkland.

She asked me to take you on a tour.

Oh. Okay. Mm-hmm.

So, right this way, please.

Uh, is this your first visit to Yale?

No. I-I visited last fall.

Oh, yes. So you are familiar with this building.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER] ♪ Bro, this house is sick. I could pee, like, 20 times, and still not use all the bathrooms.

Yeah. Never thought of it like that.

Still haven't seen any bedrooms.

Oh... look, uh, Emily... Farble.

[SIGHS] You call yourself that?

It's my name, you dip.

Okay, look. Farble, um...

I'm... I-I had a great time at the dance.

I'm just not really looking for a relationship right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to be your girlfriend.

You don't? I got a list of crap I want to try before high school, and I bet you do, too.

I do, but I... But nothing.

This will be our little secret.

All right. You got a deal, Emily.

Farble.

Hey, sorry. I didn't realize...

[CRYING]: He's such a d*ck.

Who-who are we talking about again?

Nico. I hate him.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

Oh, no, don't be. Don't be sorry.

You know... let it... let it out.

How many libraries are on campus?

Uh, 53. Yeah.

Wow. That's a lot. Oh, yeah. Nerds love it here.

[LAUGHS] Wha...

[LAUGHING]

Who threw this? Oh!

This is a Yale Frisbee, a quintessential college item.

You want to throw it back, Brian?

[CHUCKLES] That's okay.

Okay, tell you what.

You hit that big-ass tree, and you are in.

No applications, no interviews.

Just this toss.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[MUSIC PLAYING] _

Class of '98?

Oh, you know it. Yeah.

Find your name. Come on in.

Uh, here it is. Okay.

Have fun. Thanks.

Hey, screw Nico. He's an idiot for dumping you.

And I don't mean to speak out of turn, but...

I-I've seen his dong in the locker room, and it's... it's whatever.

Thanks for being so nice.

Let me go grab us some drinks. When I get back, we're gonna turn that frown upside down.

Deal?

Deal.

Hi. I just... I wanted to apologize for earlier.

You know, I was trying to help my kid, and I let my emotions get the best of me.

It's fine. I understand. Okay.

But I would love to take that August slot if it's still open.

I can squeeze you in on the 5th or the 15th. Oh, sh**t!

I'm so sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

I got it. Oh, let me... I can help.

Here. It's totally fine.

I got it. I'm so clumsy.

Oh, boy. Oh, sorry about that.

Okay, and thank you.

See you in August.

Okay. Oh, wait, I didn't get your name.

Is something burning?

Oh, my God! [SCREAMING]

Oh, Mrs. Chang?

No. But it does say a lot about your character that you didn't question that.

No, hi. I'm Mickey Molng. Oh.

Sorry, but I have an appointment. Oh, no.

Don't you worry about the Changs.

Changs are good. They're out there Chang-ing it up.

Um, Um, I need to talk to yu about a student that was rejected.

Sabrina Pemberton.

I'm sorry, but I'm not at liberty to discuss our ad... Just hear me out, okay?

Sabrina is incredible.

She's the smartest person I know. And resilient.

I mean, she's been through hell this year and still she manages to get good grades, keep a jam-packed social schedule, a-and look like a movie star while doing it.

It's infuriating.

She sounds wonderful.

Our problem here at Yale is we get too many wonderful applicants.

Yeah.

I-I'm gonna level with you.

She's the worst.

Excuse me? Sabrina. She's a d*ck.

Smart, sure. But cruel.

Nasty little mouth on her.

And I need you to let her go to school here, right?

Before she sucks the soul right out of my ass.

I'm sorry.

There really isn't anything I can do.

Why?! Can you just tell me why?

Ma'am, I'm going to ask you to leave.

And I'm going to decline, okay?

Because there's nothing that you or security or the cops or their dogs can do to me that's worse than what I got waiting for me at home.

So I'm not leaving this office until you give me one legitimate reason why Sabrina Pemberton was not accepted.

She got in.

She what now?

She was notified a few months ago.

Liar!

How many times do I have to tell you to knock?

I went to Yale, Sabrina. I spoke to admissions.

What? What is wrong with you?

Why did you tell me you didn't get in?

Because it's none of your business.

Okay. Well, then, I guess I'll just have to b*at it out of you.

Hey!

Why aren't you going to Yale, Sabrina?

I just don't want to go, okay?

Will you stop it? No!

Not until you answer me.

[SIGHS] Yale is pretentious.

You're pretentious. Try again.

It was built by slaves.

Your shoes were built by slaves. Come on, Sabrina.

I don't have to explain myself to you.

The least you can do is explain yourself to me.

I'm scared, okay?

What if I don't like it there?

What if my, my dorm is gross and I have to wear socks in the shower?

What if... what if the parties suck and... and everybody's nerdy and lame and way smarter than me?

What if I peaked in high school?

Get in the car. I want to show you something.

No. Get in the car!

Dude, there you are.

Where the heck you been?

You know, just dealing with some host duties.

Uh...

Well, whatever you're doing, keep it up.

This kicker is thumpin'.

Thanks, Farble.

T.J. Zappacosta just busted out some... sick, like, break dancing windmill move.

I wish I could have seen it. Yeah.

Then Nico Puccinelli showed up, and he and Madison started ripping each other's heads off.

What? When? Like, ten seconds ago, bro.

They're still going at it.

NICO: You weren't picking up your phone, all right?

And I get here, and someone's telling me you're off with some random guy?

MADISON: We weren't even doing anything.

You're the one that broke up with me.

[LAUGHING]

["GOOD" BY BETTER THAN EZRA PLAYING]

Beer, please. Sure.

Oh, college was crazy, right?

Best years of my life. Mmm.

[LAUGHS] Hey, you want to do a sh*t?

Uh, actually, I was just about to leave.

What? No. Hey, what are you talking about?

Hey, the party's just getting started.

Honestly, I-I don't even know why I came back.

This was a mistake.

Oh, no.

Only mistake you are making is not doing a sh*t with a fellow Bulldog.

What the heck? I'll do one.

Okay! [LAUGHS]

[SABRINA SIGHS]

This place is really bumming me out.

Why are we here?

Poodle ever talk to you about our mom?

No, not really. Yeah.

Well, she took off when we were both about your age.

Where'd she go?

Nobody knows.

She gave us each 5,000 bucks, and we never saw her again.

Geez, that's... dark.

Your mom used her money to move to New York City to follow her dreams.

Well, she became a stripper.

She was a waitress in a strip club.

So, what'd you do with your share?

I bought a samurai sword.

You spent $5,000 on a samurai sword?

It was, like, $4,200.

God, I don't know what happened to the rest.

But the point is, she took a big swing.

I never even left the dugout.

Because you were scared.

That's right.

Okay, I see your point.

Still don't know why we're here.

There she is.

God, she's beautiful.

Had to use her to pay a bar tab.

That's a big bar tab.

Well, I had quite a drinking problem back then.

Oh, yeah?

And now it just sits up there, mocking me.

If it bothers you so much, why don't you just buy it back?

Sabrina, that is a Fumetsu Katana, okay?

You don't just buy those back.

It's probably tripled in value.

Okay, so just take it.

It's all nailed up to the wall and stuff.

You know, that'd be, like, a whole thing. Huh.

I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

All right, don't do that. I see what you're doing.

Mickey, I'm just saying, it sounds like you're still scared after, what, 50 years?

There you are.

Where's Madison?

Fighting with her boyfriend. Great. Go defend her.

Are you crazy? That guy will k*ll me.

So what? All right? Sometimes you win a fight by getting your ass kicked. That must make you the heavyweight champion of the world.

Chip, who do you think Madison's gonna choose, okay?

The jerk that pummels some weakling and ruins the party?

Or the sweet, caring guy that gets decimated for her?

Now get down there and get your ass rocked.

Come on.

[LAUGHS] How do I not remember you?

Ah, I was invisible back then. [LAUGHS]

Hey, you're not invisible anymore, Melanie.

[ROLLING THUNDER] Oh!

[LAUGHS] Oh, wow.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come on, this way. This way. [LAUGHING]

[BOTH SIGH]

[EDWARD GASPS]

[MOANING]

What the hell is a hot foot?

How does nobody know what a hot...? Listen, doesn't matter.

Just distract the bartender. Pay attention.

Yeah, how am I supposed to do that?

You got into Yale. Figure it out.

How you doing over here? I have a question.

How much would it be to buy the samurai sword above the bar?

Um... 50 bucks?

$50? $40 if you got cash.

[SABRINA LAUGHS]

Hey, what'd I miss? Not much.

Just this kind gentleman telling me he'd sell me that samurai sword for $40.

Wait. What? BARTENDER: What the...?

Hey. Put it out! Put it out! Oh, God.

SABRINA: Oh! Oh! Oh!

MICKEY: Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. Oh! My foot!

Okay, what are you waiting for? Go grab it!

Are you insane? No.

I can't do that. I'm not wearing the right shoes, and it's on fire, and it's super high up.

Excuses. [GLASS BREAKING]

[GRUNTS]

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

[SIZZLING] [SCREAMING]

Mickey! Mickey?

Got it! Got it! Whoa!

God, I got it.

What are you doing?! That... Ah, you stay back.

It's my sword, and I'm taking it with me.

Mickey, calm down. What, are you crazy, lady?

[SABRINA AND MICKEY YELL] You cut my ear off!

Oh, yeah? Let me see. Hey, you nuts?!

Stay back. Okay.

No, no, it's good. I just snipped the tip.

You're fine. You cut my ear off, you crazy bitch!

What are you doing? Go!

Can we talk about it in the car?

You don't follow us. Stay away from us.

[CRAZY YELLING]

Shut up, Nico. Just shut up.

Look, I told you. I-I was at Carter's house.

Can I help you with something, bro?

Don't talk to him like that.

That's Chip. This is his house.

That is true.

Um, and house rule number one is, um, you have to respect women.

And if you can't abide by that rule, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Dude, get out of my face before I throttle you in your own home.

Here we go. Your brother's gonna get creamed.

I can't see. Oh, yeah.

Let's get you up on my shoulders.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

Behave yourself or... Or what? Hmm?

Huh? What are you gonna do?

[CROWD GASPING, GROANING] [THUDDING]

Chip, I can't believe you... Hands off him. He's with me.

You guys are together?

Cat's out of the bag.

Damn it, Farble. I thought we agreed.

Ah, crap, you're right. Sorry.

I can't believe you chopped my ear off.

Oh, all right.

Settle down. We all got a little banged up, all right?

You want to trade? Ugh. You lit the bar on fire.

That's on you. That's on the bartender.

I think I'm gonna try Yale.

Really?

Yeah, at least for a semester.

[MICKEY GROANS SOFTLY]

I want you to have this.

That's okay. It's-it's yours, you know?

Really, it's okay. You can put it above your bed, you know, in your dorm.

It's fine. I don't want to be the sword girl or anything.

What's wrong with being the sword girl?

Come on, it's a gift.

Mickey, I don't want your weird samurai sword!

Whoa. Uh...

[ROLLING THUNDER]

Oh. God.

Mickey, open the door! No.

[DOOR RATTLES] Oh, come on, open it!

No, not until you accept my sword.

Fine. Give me it. Are you happy?!

Oh, well, twirl it around a little bit, you know?

Come on. I'm getting soaking wet!

Okay, well, that's life.

You get wet, and then you dry off, all right?

Now give me a chop! This is ridiculous.

All right, how's that feel?

Pretty good, actually. Pretty good, right?

Yeah. All right.

Now you show the world you're not afraid!

[GRUNTS] Yes!

Now yell it! I'm not afraid of you!

Come on! I can't hear you!

I'm not afraid of you, world!

You hear that, you son of a bitch?

I'm not afraid of anything!

And I'm going to Yale...

[LOUD THUNDERCLAP] Oh! Sabrina?!

Sabrina, are you...? Oh!

Oh, you crapped yourself. Okay.

That's okay. I'm okay with that.

Oh, God! Hold on. Hold on.

Melanie? Where are you going?

Uh, I have to go home.

I want to see you again. Where-where should I...?

Shh.

I will see you at the next one.

Mmm.

[DOOR OPENS]

[RHYTHMIC BEEPING AND WHOOSHING] DOCTOR: Because the lightning hit the sword first, this is what's known as a "side splash," but her injuries are consistent with a direct hit.

The force of the bolt exiting her body blew off her big toe.

Ugh. Oh, my.

Also took a pretty good nick out of her ear, I see.

So, is she gonna be okay? Yes. Yeah.

Of course she's gonna be okay.

Right?

Sabrina's lucky to be alive.

Until she regains consciousness, we won't know how this affects her cognitive ability or her motor functions.

I'm very sorry.

♪ Come on, baby, let the good times roll ♪

♪ Come on, baby, let me thrill your soul ♪

♪ Yeah, come on, baby, let the good times roll ♪

♪ Roll on and on ♪

♪ Come on, baby, yes, this is real ♪

♪ Come on, baby, show me how you feel, yeah. ♪