01x10 - And the Very Christmas Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Oh, you look pretty sharp tonight, Earl.

Going somewhere special?

Max, I'm free, black and 75.

Who knows what the night will bring?

Well, here's a twenty.

Can you break this the way you just broke my heart?

Pop-pop.

Look at all this.

People really tipped us well tonight.

Yeah, well, don't get used to it.

Thanksgiving is almost here, and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

I've always loved this time of year-- spiced pumpkin lattes, bringing my winter furs out, then bringing my winter furs to the dry cleaner's to get the red peta paint out.

For me, it was jumping into a pile of leaves and finding a used condom.

[Laughing]

What's up, children of the corn?

I will stay tonight and decorate diner for American holiday of Thanksgiving.

Wow. I'm surprised you got the right holiday decorations.

Last month, you put out Easter bunnies for Yom Kippur.

So many Jewish holidays, I cannot Wikipedia them all.

What, like I don't got a life?

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[Cash register bell dings]

My father and I had a very special Thanksgiving tradition every year.

Oh, let me guess.

You'd fly someplace like the Bahamas, lay by the pool, and he'd light other people's stolen money on fire?

No. We'd rent out the Waldorf Astoria ballrooms and feed the homeless.

Don't look at me right now.

And after, we'd fly down to our home in St. Barts for two weeks. beautiful hotel.

$50 for a hamburger?

For that money, it should eat me first.

Okay, ready to go?

Han, if you'd really like to do something in the diner to honor the spirit of Thanksgiving, you can open your doors and feed the homeless.

Yeah, put your money where your cornstalk is.

Caroline and I will work for free.

Isn't it enough that when I see them on the street, I smile and pretend to fumble for change?

No, it isn't.

You can afford to open the diner for one night.

You can't put a price tag on those kind of emotional rewards.

Yes, I can. $18 for 16-pound turkey, and I will need many of them.

There--price tag.

Here, I will pay for turkeys.

Jeez, dude, where'd you get that?

I sell cigarettes from New Hampshire to schoolkids in New York.

It is a good profit and beautiful drive.

I love the leaves.

All right.

I'm feeling y'all. I'll bring the pie.

My mother used to make the best chocolate pie.

I remember one time she got so mad at this white woman she worked for, she took this chocolate pie into the bathroom--

No, hold up. That was from The Help.

I know it's not Burberry like we're used to, but I'm telling you, used moving blankets are gonna be in this year.

Who's a trendsetter?

We're really lucky November is so warm.

Another thing I'm giving thanks for this Thanksgiving-- global warming.

I think the three remaining polar bears would disagree.

Max, it's time to teach me how to bake.

Okay, well, if we're doing that, first I have to go get baked.

I'm serious.

It's the beginning of the holiday season, and with all the potential Christmas cupcakes and festive gift baskets, you're gonna need as much help as you can get.

Festive holiday gift baskets?

No way.

I'm not into all that crap.

Oh, no. Are you gonna be one of those, "I am too cool to believe in the wonders of Christmas" type of b*tches?

I am so many types of b*tches, I've lost count.

And the only wonder of Christmas I'm aware of is...

I wonder how you're gonna keep up that attitude through Christmas this year.

Why, because this is my first holiday without any money?

Uh, yeah.

Money isn't what makes the holidays special, Max.

Uh, yeah.

The holidays are totally about money.

It's about spending money to buy things to stuff into the giant black sucking hole in the center of each of us that reminds us life is hard and then we die.

And that's my Christmas card.

Max, I'm aware this holiday season will be challenging, will I miss my 20-foot Christmas tree decorated by ten gay men? Yes.

Will I miss those ten gay men outing my cousin Steven before he was ready? No.

My holiday spirit is bigger than my money.

So come on, teach me how to bake.

We only have a couple weeks.

Fine. Pour a cup of milk into the mixer.

This will be fun.

When I was little, I used to make my father cakes in my easy-bake oven.

My easy-bake oven was repossessed.

So, um, speaking of your father, are you doing okay?

I mean, this is a hard time of year for people who have feelings, and just...

With your father in prison, how are you doing?

I'm doing great.

I actually just found out that since it's Thanksgiving, they're allowing me to come see him for the first time.

Well, that excitement will probably taper off after the full-body cavity search.

I don't know. I might like it.

It's been a while since I've had any cavities searched.

All right. Pour the milk, slut.

One cup milk.

There, how's that?

Good.

Now into the mixer.

There, how was that?

Uh-uh. We're not playing "Rich girl gets a trophy every time she does something normal"

Just cover the bowl with the towel so it doesn't splash out, and turn it on.

Oh, it's not plugged in.

Oh. Right.

No, not without the towel!

[Shouts]

Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did.

+

Wow. These high-end mixers are a lot of money.

I thought if we came to a big department store, there'd be a lot of them, and the prices would be better.

We can't afford these.

How much did you think they'd be?

I don't know.

I guess I'm not used to looking at prices.

I usually just point, pout, and it's purchased.

Yeah, I had a version of that, only it was more like, point, and when they look the other way, stuff steaks down your pants and run.

Come on, there has to be a mixer here we can afford.

There is.

Here.

A $5 spoon? That's what we can afford?

Yeah, if we put it on layaway, work hard for a few years.

I'm used to being poor around your stuff, but not around stuff that I want.

What happened to all your "money's not important" holiday spirit now?

Max, it feels like you want me to be depressed about the holidays.

No, no. I'm just saying that it's okay for you not to be all up and everything around me if you're not feeling it.

It's all right to let your dark side out.

[Deep voice] Come to the dark side.

Oh, my God.

Look, they're hiring elves.

Why would I go to the dark side when I could go to Santaworld?

Let's go get in line. I've always loved Santaworld.

Me too, as a David Sedaris story, not as an actual real-life option.

Come on.

If we get hired, we could use our employee discount to get one of the really good cake mixers.

[Gasps] And then it'd be like it came from Santa!

Come on, Max, we'd be great elves.

I have the holiday spirit. You're great with kids.

And we're both so desperate for money, we'll wear other people's tights.

Max, I've been coming to this store at Christmastime with my father since I was little.

I'd get all dressed up in my fanciest winter coat and hat and then stand in line to see Santa with my hands in my muff.

And they didn't throw you out?

There is nothing Christmas-y about this hallway.

It looks like the place Santa sends promiscuous elves to get the results of their S.T.D. test.

Okay, that's the kind of comment that almost got us knocked out of the first round.

You're lucky I edited your application.

Why, what was so bad?

You requested to work in Santa's sex toy shop.

Max, that's not even a thing.

Tell that to my candy-cane-shaped vibrator.

Max!

I call it "Santa's big helper."

Please try and get into the holiday spirit.

I know. If we get hired, we'll go right home and watch Miracle on 34th Sstreet.

It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this sl*ve ship without elf scurvy.

Hi.

I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street.

That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.

Mine too!

My second favorite is it's a wonderful life.

Mine too!

I've got Schindler's List on Blu-Ray.

Hi. I'm Mary.

I'm Caroline.

Hi. I'm Mary.

It's cool. We don't need to talk.

That's Max. She's kind of a Grinch about Christmas.

Oh, like my brother Patrick--

He's always teasing me about loving Christmas.

He calls me "Mary Christmas." [Laughing]

[Laughing]

Get it?

It's 'cause my name is Mary. [Laughs]

I can't help it.

It's my favorite time of year.

Mine too.

Yo.

Disconnect before it's too late.

Don't be so cynical.

Especially Christmas eve.

It's an O'Brien family tradition.

All seven of my sisters and brothers-- we line up on the staircase in our brand-new Christmas PJs and have our picture taken.

Bitch is 30.

[Cell phone ringing]

It's my father.

Hi, daddy. You'll never guess where I am right now-- applying for a job at Santaworld.

No, it's not depressing at all.

The man's in prison, and he thinks this is depressing.

Oh. Are you sure?

It's really not that far.

Okay. If that's what you want.

Call me on Thanksgiving. Love you.

He thought about it and doesn't want me to come.

He said he can't face having me see him in there.

You okay?

Fine.

Quiet, please, people. I have an announcement.

Everyone in this corridor has been chosen to be an elf.

Mazel.

Yay, we're elves.

Report to work at 3:00 A.M. the morning of Black Friday.

Ooh!

This is so exciting!

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪

Okay, well...

I'll see you both then.

Okay, Mary.

Great, 3:00 A.M.-- you, me, and definitely-a-Virgin-Mary.

+

Good night. Get home safely.

Ooh. Maybe I should not have said that to homeless.

That is it.

2:00 A.M.-- Freebie Thanksgiving dinner is now officially over.

According to my calculations, we served over 300 turkey dinners and only had two Kn*fe fights.

Thank you, Caroline.

This experience taught me that rich or poor, home or homeless, we are all the same.

Wait. Where's my wallet?

They took my wallet, those dirty sons of--

Oh, here it is.

Yes, we are all the same.

Well, I have two things to say.

First of all, I'm incredibly proud of us for spreading the spirit of Thanksgiving together.

And secondly, someone left an adult diaper in this booth, and I am not dealing with that.

What's with the sad face?

You saw the bathroom?

It's just--even though we fed the homeless, it doesn't feel like Thanksgiving without my father.

But you made a lot of people happy here tonight, and you should feel pretty good about that.

Yes, I do.

Come on, elf.

We better clear these tables.

We have to be at Santaland in an hour.

Why you have to be there in the middle of the night?

Because it's Black Friday, and the doors open at 5:00 A.M.

Yeah, we want to be there right on time to see the first person trampled to death by UGGs.

We have to work all night and then all day tomorrow.

How are we gonna do this?

I got the answer right here.

Max, I'm not doing cocaine.

If we could afford cocaine, we could afford a mixer.

Nine-hour energy sh*ts, aka elf juice.

I've never done these. Do they work?

Millions of wired-off-their-asses college students can't be wrong.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just drink that whole thing?

Yeah, why?

Nothing.

I'm sure it's not too much.

They suggest sipping it, but...

Who are they?

All right, we'd better go.

We got to go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, you should've sipped it.

How do I look?

Because I kind of feel like I look like a North Pole dancer.

You actually look cute. You look good in red...

And green-- red and green together.

You can pull off anything. You're so beautiful.

I don't tell you that enough.

Whoa!

Whoa, slow down, speed racer.

I know. I can't stop talking.

What was in that stuff you gave me?

I don't know. The ingredients are in Spanish.

Well, my corazon is b*ating muy rapido.

Okay, and why aren't you in your elf costume yet?

Because I was talking to those people over there, and there's a chance-- a slight chance, but a chance--

I could get moved to the strolling Christmas carolers.

I overheard their ethnic mix is short a token blond.

And I'm blond, baby! [Loud thud]

Forget it. You got me into the underbelly of the elf beast, and you are not bailing on me.

But those period costumes are so much prettier.

I will knock you from here to Rudolph's house if you abandon me.

We are in this together. Now go get your bells on.

Okay, I didn't want to tell you this because it's, well, gross, but the last elf who had the tights they gave me, well, let's just say her little lady elf friend visited unexpectedly.

Ew. Talk about a period costume.

You're right. It's disgusting.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm leaving. I don't want to do this anymore.

I feel tired and wired at the same time.

This was an awful, awful, awful, awful, awful idea!

All right, calm down!

Jeez, you're like a Christmas cr*ck monkey.

Look, we are not going anywhere, okay?

You got me all elfed up, and now we need these jobs.

So just go talk to someone and tell them why you need a new pair of tights.

I can't. It's embarrassing.

Look, either you ask her, or you rip out the crotch and risk showing six-year-olds your winter wonderland.

Now I'm sad.

You, the one with the dark hair, I need you to come with me.

Where?

And is there a drug test involved?

Change of plans. I need for you to be Mrs. Claus.

The other one had to leave-- blamed menopause.

Menopause, please.

I had my uterus yanked out on my lunch hour, and I was back at my desk by 2:00.

Follow me...

Unless, uh, you don't want that extra $2 an hour.

Oh, no. You are not leaving me here alone when I'm crashing on elf juice.

If I can't be an old-timey singer, you can't be Mrs. Claus.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm throwing you under the sled, sister.

That extra $2 an hour will bring us closer to the really good mixer.

And the way my life is going, this might be my only chance to be married to a rich guy.

I'd double-check those tights if I were you.

+

Ugh.

These tights suck.

Hi. Hi, elf.

I just got assigned to the front of the line with you.

Oh, crap.

It's me, Mary.

"Mary Christmas." You know, like...

My brother Patrick always says.

Yeah, you said that.

Look at how cute we look...Jingles!

I just named you Jingles. [Laughs]

Get it? 'Cause of all your bells.

Oh, listen...

Ah, this is my number-one favorite Christmas song.

Ooh! What's your favorite Christmas song?

Silent night. Get it? 'Cause I want you to be silent.

What's the matter with you?

You're acting like an elfhole.

Oh, hello, children! [Children giggling]

Who's next to see my husband, Santa?

I am so mad at you right now.

Oh-ho-ho!

Uh, hold on, children.

Mrs. Claus is just having an issue with one of her elf employees.

What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

You abandon me on Christmas the day after my father abandons me on Thanksgiving?

You have balls.

Christmas balls...

Like on Santa's tree...

Or a Hanukkah bush.

Look, I've got my own problems, okay?

Santa is kind of hands-y.

And you leave me here with this one when I'm coming down the bad side of nine-hour energy mountain?

I don't know what's at the bottom, but so far, not the miracle on 34th Street I was hoping for.

Well, elf--

Her name is Jingles.

One more word, Mary, seriously.

Listen, Bipolar Express, you need to jingle all the way up that mountain, because all these kids are looking at us.

Hello!

You got your list for Santa?

Yep. Got it right here.

Well, he's waiting for you, so go right ahead in.

Yay, let's go!

[Gasps] Hi.

Oh, you look so pretty in your hat and your coat.

Thank you very much.

I used to have a coat like that.

But she gave it to a reindeer because he was very cold.

Oh, you have your list for Santa?

Let's see what you want.

Ooh, a pretty doll...

Had it.

An easy-bake oven...

Had it.

A Barbie dream house.

Oh, had that, too.

Had all those things, and now I have nothing-- nothing to stick in my big hole.

Okay.

Jingles, what are you doing?

Tell them, Max.

No, no. I'm not Max. I'm Mrs. Claus--

Mrs. Beyonce Claus-- and I'm married to Santa.

No, tell them what you told me-- that it's all just stuff we buy to stick in our big holes.

I've been married for 50 years.

I don't even think about holes anymore.

Why is she talking to children about holes?

I'll get her.

Okay.

Caroline--

No, Max, you were right.

They should know the truth.

Mrs. Claus, have a little, uh, elf control.

Jingles, come into my little house.

No, Max. They should know.

There is no miracle on 34th Street, and it's not such a wonderful life.

If it were, I wouldn't be standing here in crotchless tights in the middle of Santaland, with a father in prison, too broke to buy a mixer.

Stop it, you're gonna ruin Christmas.

Christmas is all about money.

If you want stuff from Santa, you got to buy it, because there is no--

Merry Christmas!

Get her out of here now.

And you, put your knees together!

I hope I didn't ruin Christmas for all those sweet children.

No, you didn't.

All they saw was a crotchless elf freaking out.

But "Mary Christmas" will never recover.

They'll find her in her studio apartment in two weeks hung from the chimney with care.

Well, this is all kind of your fault.

You told me to come to the dark side.

I just told you to get in touch with your feelings.

I didn't think you'd turn into Darth Caroline.

Once I went there, I couldn't get back.

Yeah, and chugging that elf juice didn't help.

It wasn't just the drink.

Before those presents came crashing down on me, reality did.

I have no money and a father in prison who didn't even want to see me on Thanksgiving.

Yeah, well, there are a lot of people way worse off than you.

Yes, your father's in prison, but at least you have one and you know where he is.

And you have a home and a job.

And you have a freaking horse.

So...

Happy holidays. It is a wonderful life.

You're right. I am so lucky.

Well, since right now is the closest to the Christmas spirit we're probably gonna get, Santa wanted me to give you your Christmas present now.

It's our new mixer.

We're gonna old-school it.

Aw, you spooned me.

I feel bad. I didn't get you anything.

Max, you got me everything.

Before you, I was living on a subway, and now look...

I'm living near a subway.

So did you buy this?

No, it's from Santa.

Jingles, did you steal this?

Yeah.

I grabbed it when they were throwing us out.

Wow, Caroline Channing.

You keep this up, and you won't have to ask permission to visit your father in prison.

But I did give $2 of our cupcake-fund money to the Salvation Army Santa.

So God bless us, everyone! It's a wonderful life!

It's times like this I really miss Darth Caroline.