01x16 - And the Broken Hearts

[bunniefuu]

Max, Caroline, I have announcement.

You're actually much shorter and are walking on stilts?

I have made a special menu for tomorrow's Valentine's night dinner.

Han, that's so romantic.

Yeah, romantic and wrong.

This place isn't When Harry met Sally.

It's "When Harry met Salmonella."

[Bell rings]

Max, Club Sandwich.

And heads up... I lost a band-aid.

Theme menu means I can charge one bigger price, like in top restaurants.

See? "Prick fix."

Oh, Han, it's pronounced "prix fixe."

Have you seen our chef?

It's definitely "prick fix."

Tomorrow night, Cupid will come to Williamsburg diner.

Didn't have the heart to tell him Cupid is dead.

Yep, hit by a mack truck crossing the Brooklyn-Queens expressway...

His fat, diapered baby ass splattered all over the windshield.

I love Valentine's Day.

That's your reaction? I k*lled Cupid.

You're either romantic or not.

I'm not even going to try to convince you.

Oh, he's dead. And the proof...

When's the last time you knew anyone who fell in love?

Real love, like Ice Loves Coco.

How about them?

They've been holding hands and romantic whispering all night.

Their romantic whispering goes like this.

"I own nipple clamps."

Plink! Cupid's not dead.

Plink! There goes his little arrow.

Plink, plink!

Clamp, ouch! Clamp, ouch!

Clamp, clamp! Ouch, ouch!

I've got something in here for you... guess what it is.

Well, judging from that smile on your face, I'd say it's a finger-sized hole in your apron.

Candy hearts! Here, hold out your hand.

Let's get our heart on.

I'm way ahead of you.

"Be mine"... classic. What's yours say?

"Caroline Channing is lame.

"I hate you for giving me this.

Valentine's Day is the worst."

Ooh, cinnamon. Mmm.

Good evening, Earl.

My, my, my, Sophie, seeing you in that dress makes my heart race.

Two scoops of ice cream in a one scoop cone.

[Giggles] Oh, Earl, you make me smile.

I wish we had black people in Poland when I was growing up.

Too bad.

We really would have enjoyed segregation and h*tler.

Oh, hi, building neighbors.

Well, I was just driving by, and since it was raining, I thought I could offer you two girls a ride home in my town car.

The last time someone offered me a ride, I ended up in a drainage pipe in Jersey.

Sophia, you rent a town car?

Yes, but only when it's raining, because, you know, I got hair extensions and nail extensions, and, you know, I... I'm too extended to walk.

Hello. I saw you from kitchen.

You turned pick-up window into painting.

Plink!

Velvet painting of nude at counter.

Clamp, ouch!

The girls tell me you own cleaning service.

I would like to hire you to clean my house.

Oh, yeah, this is possible.

I will send girl. What is your address?

I don't want some girl.

I want you to come clean.

Oh, you cannot get me to come.

Oh, I can get you to come.

No, I can no longer come anymore.

No, Max and Caroline can come.

Both: No, no, we're not coming.

So no one can get you to come?

Well, some people can get me to come...

Just not you.

Hard to get... I like it.

Go get the coats. I'll get this check.

Here's the last check, Earl.

Oh, Max, can you take care of that for me, please?

Sure. Why?

Uh, nothing pressing... Just having a heart att*ck.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Wait, you're having a heart att*ck?

Most definitely.

I've had three in my life. We're old friends.

Earl, you're having a heart att*ck.

I'll be fine. Have you seen my tangerine?

I had a tangerine set aside for my walk home.

Forget the tangerine.

Earl's having a heart att*ck!

Sophie, we're taking the town car to the hospital.

Earl, when did the pain start?

When I saw Sophie in that dress.

Oh, hell, no!

Why is this line so long? Did the new iPhone come out?

Let's just get him over there.

Max, anything you can do to move this along?

Move! Celebrity coming through.

Morgan Freeman having a heart att*ck.

He is having a heart att*ck.

On a scale of one to ten, what's your pain?

Uh, two, we were just in the neighborhood, looking for a place to have jell-o.

I was talking to Morgan Freeman.

Take him now!

Sir, he has a history of heart trouble.

All right, we'll get him in.

Earl, go with the nurse.

Damn, it's a man.

We'll be right out here, Earl. Everything is gonna be okay.

Have a seat and wait.

Look at me, Gingerbread. If anything happens to him, I will staple your nut sack to that chair.

That's right... it's me again.

For the tenth time, he's fine.

He had a minor att*ck, but he's in good hands.

I would know... I had both of my heart att*cks here.

I want to go back there and see for myself.

Family members only.

Well, I'm his daughter.

Oh, really? It says here he's 75 years old...

Well, he started late.

And African-American.

He started late with a h*nky. I'm one of those combo babies.

Here...

You need proof?

My last name is Black, see? Max Black.

He's black. I'm Black.

It'd be dumb if we weren't related.

Can I just get back to playing Angry Birds?

You are yammering on here about nothing while the love of my life is back there alone and scared.

You said he was your father.

Now he's the love of your life?

He's both. We're from the South.

Have a seat.

I got us two lattes. It took forever.

The guy in front of me missed his kidney transplant waiting for a mocha frappuccino.

Any news?

The same.

But they won't let me back there. I even told him Earl was my father.

[PA beeps]

Now's my chance. Nurse Chewbacca's on the move.

I'm going back there.

If you see anyone about to notice me sneak by, draw all the attention to yourself.

Max, I don't know if I can do that.

You're right. That's kind of my thing.

Okay, let me think.

You don't have time to think.

Just throw the coffees against the wall.

That's ridiculous.

I graduated top of my class at Wharton.

I can do better than that.

Paging Dr. Bender. Paging Dr. Bender, please.

Oh, my God!

Those were not nonfat.

Earl!

You in here?

Max, is that you?

[Chuckles] Ain't you sweet?

But you didn't have to wait around for me.

This is Narcissus.

She's from the Fiji Islands and gives one hell of a sponge bath.

Hi. Can we have a minute alone?

Earl, do you think this is a good time to have a sponge bath... I mean, in your condition?

Max, when they look like that, there's never a bad time for a sponge bath.

So are you doing okay now?

Pretty good.

The doctor said it was a mild one, but I'm going to have to stay here a couple nights.

Could you find out how much extra for me to get my own room?

A private room?

The last time I was in one of these places, the guy in the bed next to me thought he was a parrot and asked me for crackers the whole damn night.

Done. I'll get you your own room.

And don't worry about the expenses.

I got a little money stashed away for a rainy day.

I am not using your money.

But let me guess, "rainy day" is a strain of weed?

Now you're getting it.

I'll see you later.

Don't die, or I'll k*ll you.

So what, now you want a private room?

How's he going to pay for that?

Oh, so that old man has to be the only man in America who has to pay his medical bills?

Mr. Freeman's done a lot of successful movies.

I don't think your sarcastic attitude is very professional.

"Professional"?

Um, an hour ago, your little thug friend here threatened to cut me so deep, I'd have a vag*na.

That offer still stands.

She's upset. And vag*na's her go-to.

Well, the only reason I haven't called security is they were laid off two weeks ago.

What is your name?

[Mockingly] Tig.

And it's fake, so good luck with that.

Sir, you're representing the Shecter family wing of this hospital.

My family knows the Schecters.

In fact, their son David interns here, and if I made a call, he would not be pleased.

If you know them, why are we talking to this lump behind a desk?

Suck it, red face! We're going over your head!

How do you like me now, bitch?

Hey, get your phone.

See if he can swing Earl a private room.

I think I still have his cell number.

We went out a few times until I realized he was serious about going down that pro Bono route.

Did you two have sex?

No.

Sweet, that's what you can offer him for the room.

That's amazing.

Someone found a florist that delivers after midnight.

That's not so amazing.

I know a guy named "Sticky Icky" Ricky who delivers exclusively after midnight.

You know, I just realized this is the first Valentine's Day I won't get flowers from my father.

Aw, that's cute, with a big old side of creepy.

No, it's sweet.

Every year from the time I was a baby, and even when I had boyfriends, I'd get flowers from my father with a card that says, "You'll always be my Valentine."

I got a sweet Valentine from a guy I liked in high school.

It said, "I'll give you five bucks to lift your shirt."

Caroline... Hey, I'll be right with you.

There he is. Cuter than I remember.

Hey. Wow.

When I heard your voice mail, I couldn't believe it.

Yes, well, I wasn't sure you'd want to come down, because... you know...

You dumped me two years ago? [Laughs]

Well, "dumped" is a strong word.

Tore my heart out, shook it in front of my face.

That any softer?

[Laughs awkwardly]

Hate to interrupt the "perfect white teeth" convention, but we're in a hurry.

David, this is my friend Max.

A friend of ours was admitted, and we were hoping to get him a private room.

Oh, so you're not here to return my Dartmouth t-shirt you stole from me.

You gave that to me.

No, I didn't! I love that shirt.

I feel like I lost custody of it in a divorce, and now I'm like a deadbeat dad.

How about the room? Any chance?

Please. Pretty please.

Oh, well, since you said "pretty please,"

I'll see what I can do.

We should be clear. We can't pay.

We're broke... both of us.

But I'm sure you heard that somewhere.

Yeah...

Everywhere.

David, I hope your family didn't lose any money with my father. Did they?

Nope, still filthy rich.

And I can do my best to burn some filthy off that rich, by getting your friend a V.I.P. room.

I'll just drop some names.

By that, I mean my own.

Shouldn't be a problem.

I love Jews.

Yeah, we're generous. Spread the word.

Uh, if you wouldn't mind giving Narcissus my whereabouts?

Did you see the look on that desk lump's big, red face when I pushed you by him?

I did, but I think throwing him the finger was a tad out of line.

Wow, Dr. David really hooked us up.

Yeah, this is like an episode of Cribs: I.C.U. Edition.

So, Earl, what do you think?

Good lord, is that a Matisse?

I believe so.

Then, mama, I'm home.

Here, ladies, put these suckers in your station.

I think I might get a late Valentine dinner crowd.

You also think you might get a late growth spurt, but that's not happening either.

At best, you'll get three single girls waddling over at midnight to cry into some tapioca.

True. I need to cut the crap.

Valentine's dinner is bust.

And look, I have sacrificed my manhood for no cash value.

But your wings are adorable.

Yes, but matching panties are suffocating the boys.

Come on, close early.

We've only got one table of twi-hards.

I want to go see Earl.

Oh, what the hell? I love my man Earl, too.

So screw it. Let's fly over there.

Ooh, this isn't like the hospitals in Poland.

The lights are working.

Okay, sit down. I'll take you in one at a time.

All right, Cupid, you're first.

Oh, don't wake him. Go back out.

Angels. Oh, lord, no.

Thank God it's you, Han.

I saw the wings, and I thought heaven was filled with chunky Chinese cherubs and no jazz.

Oh, okay, great. I'll see you in five.

I'm gonna go meet Dr. David.

Oh, wait a second.

If you're going to go meet man, you need lip gloss.

Oh, thanks, Sophie.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Okay.

I have Valentine gift I want to give you.

Oh, hepatitis "C"?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Look at me. Now look at you.

Now look at me again.

Does this look right to you?

Hard to get... I like it.

Oh, hey. So how's your friend doing?

Good. And thanks for that V.I.P. room.

He feels like a million bucks, which I'm sure is what it costs, so I brought you a little thank-you gift.

That is not my Dartmouth shirt.

No, that's held hostage at the townhouse.

This says Williamsburg. That's where I live now.

No way. That's where I live.

Yeah, I moved there just to piss my father off, but I wound up loving it.

I wound up loving it, too.

Hey, maybe we could see each other there sometime...

You know, go out?

Yeah, I don't think so.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what?

Look, Caroline, it's been really great getting to reconnect with you, but...

I don't see this happening again.

Oh.

I mean, it's my parents.

With your father in prison, the whole scandal, I could never bring you home.

Not even just to piss off your father?

I mean, me dating Caroline Channing... What would people think?

I hope you understand. Oh, hey, thanks for the tee.

Nice of everyone to stop by.

Didn't see Caroline. She busy tonight?

Oh, no, she's here.

She's out there running around, trying to swing a boyfriend situation with her doctor friend who got us the V.I.P. hook-up.

What about you, Max?

No sweetheart on Valentine's Day.

I worry about you.

Be nice if you had someone special.

I already do.

Ah, Max, I'm only going to be around another 30 or 40 years.

You better widen the net a bit.

Visiting hours are up. Friends have to leave.

She can stay, nurse. She's family.

Earl, I'm family?

Yes, and the best kind of family. You don't want my money.

Hey, Earl. You look really good.

So did you and Dr. Dave do it in a hospital closet?

All very "Grey's Monotony"?

No, that won't be happening.

I asked him out and he said he could never date me, because of my father and "what would people think?"

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, what?

I feel like I was just hit by the same mack truck that k*lled Cupid.

Well, somebody's about to get hit by a truck...

A Max truck.

Hey, you, Dr. I-Forget-Your-Name.

How? It's written on every wall.

Okay, Dr. Exit.

What is wrong with you? Doctors are supposed to be sensitive.

I mean, it's Valentine's Day, and she has nothing.

Couldn't you be like every other guy on the planet and just lead her on and not call her the next day?

That is the decent thing to do.

And for the record, she is so hopped up on candy hearts, you would have gotten some tonight, fo' sho!

You just made the biggest mistake of your life.

Well, I guess nobody knows me better than you, girl I've never met before.

And now I would like to speak to the pro Bono part of you, who understands that nothing I just said should affect that man in the V.I.P. room.

That was actually a very cool thing to do.

Earl is fine. Don't worry.

And as far as Caroline goes, I'm sorry, but...

Her father hurt a lot of people.

Whatever you put out there comes back to you.

Ugh.

What now... you gonna thr*aten to feed me my nipples again?

No.

Actually, someone just said something about the things you do coming back to you, and I decided the smart move was to apologize.

Thanks, but it's not necessary.

Actually, you're the nicest person I've dealt with tonight.

Ugh. Rough job, dude.

Here, Happy Valentine's Day.

You want to go out sometime?

[Scoffs] Why would...

Yeah, give me your number. I'll call you tomorrow.

Sleeping in that hospital chair all night wasn't that uncomfortable.

No, the chairs weren't.

Your sad Valentine whimpering was.

So how you feeling this morning?

Pretty good, considering I survived the very first Valentine's Day I didn't get flowers from my father.

Ugh.

So you got one year under your belt.

Don't get so cocky.

You still have to make 23 more to tie me.

You know, all this time, I've been feeling sorry for you 'cause you didn't know your father, but after seeing how you took care of Earl...

I feel sorry for your father that he didn't know you.

You would have been a wonderful daughter.

[Knock at door]

Don't hold that thought.

I don't want to cry till after we break open the tapioca.

No, I didn't just win a beauty contest.

No, these were left on the front doorstep.

They're both addressed to Caroline.

Sorry, Max.

Oh, no, that's cool.

Wouldn't want to break my winning streak.

Oh, well, just look at it this way.

She got the flowers. You got the knockers.

All right, girls, well, I'm off to buy scratchers before all the Puerto Ricans get them.

[Door closes]

"You'll always be my Valentine.

Love, Daddy."

Aw.

The other one from Dr. Dave?

Change his mind after I tore him a new one?

It's from my father as well, but it's written to you.

"Thank you for taking such good care of my sweetheart.

M. Channing."

That is so sweet.

Roses from a man.

Now I'm starting to get it.

Is it weird that I kind of want to have sex with your dad?

Plink!