06x17 - And the Jessica Shmessica

Last check Earl.

And my boyfriend Bobby will be here soon.

He's sleeping over again.

My boyfriend, Bobby, I mean.

You know that cute guy Bobby, my boyfriend?

Oh, I know your boyfriend Bobby.

You name-drop him like you're Gayle and he's Oprah.

Why don't you ever stay at Bobby's?

His place can't be worse than ours.

Unless he's what's living in our wall.

No, that's definitely a woman sobbing in there.

And I can't stay at Bobby's 'cause he lives at home with his family.

I didn't know Bobby lived at home.

(sighs) Wish I could move back home.

They don't make Pontiacs anymore.

The famous Bobby lives at home?

Sounds like you landed a real winner.

Actually, Han, Bobby only moved back home because his dad died last year.

H-E-double hockey sticks!

The one guy I take a shot at, ever, and he's the freakin' Orphan Annie!

(Peter Bjorn and John) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(cash register bell dings)

Hey, I'm Bobby.

I'm looking for my girlfriend Caroline.

You know that cute girl, Caroline?

My girlfriend.

Bobby. Now, where have I heard that name before?

Bobby, my boyfriend, stop.

Hey, before I forget.

My mom is throwing a party tomorrow...

Shhh!

Are you crazy?

Bobby, never discuss a party in the diner.

If the people we work with, and I'm using "people" in the loosest sense possible... if they hear about a party, they'll come to it!

We had to learn Navajo just so we could talk about our weekend plans without them overhearing.

And then they learned Navajo.

Now it makes sense that Earl asked me for wampum yesterday.

Okay, so my mom is throwing this party at our house tomorrow.

You want to meet my family?

(gasps)

I'd love to meet them!

Especially your mom.

It goes without saying, but she's gonna love me.

Why? Does she love people who spit a little when they talk?

I don't spit when I talk.

Nope, I saw it that time.

But that's okay.

Moms love me almost as much as truckers love Max.

You model for one mud flap, you're made for life.

You're coming too, right, Max?

My whole family's gonna be there.

Caroline's whole family should be there, too.

Aww, that's so sweet.

Sounds good.

What time should I bring the sacrificial raccoon?

Oh, is it not a birthday?

You could hear from back there?

And through the wall in my office.

Can't wait for the party.

Can I bring a Jell-O dessert?

I have a new Pikachu mold I've been dying to try out.

Is it the same Pikachu mold that you came out of?

Ah, so, about this party we're all invited to, is it open bar, or do we have to go through the cabinets again?

So what kind of perfume does your mom wear?

I need to know for when I tell her I've always loved it and can't believe she wears it too.

I don't know, but please don't wear it if you ever want to have s*x with me again.

(laughs)

Oh, uh, one more thing.

Don't tell her that I spent the night here.

She thinks I stayed at my friend Brian's.

She's kind of old-fashioned.

Can't be that old-fashioned.

She's cool with you sleeping with your friend Brian.

All right, I'll see you later.

I got to go help my mom set up for the party.

Uh, if I'm coming off as too much of a bad boy, I can tone it down.

(chuckles)

I'll be sure to do cheek kisses at your house.

So!

Is there gonna be weed at this party, or can I make some money selling?

Max, it is really important to me that Bobby's mom likes me, which is why I hid your weed and bought her a lovely gift to bring.

In lieu of gifts, I always just wear a low-cut shirt.

But I see why you had to buy something.

Look. (thick accent) Macaron.

(knocking at door)

Uh, you're maca-wrong, 'cause those are macaroons.

And I think I maca-ruined them when I ate the filling out of 'em.

Wait, you're going to Bobby's mom's party dressed like that?

Are you aware your husband is dressed for a canoe trip?

I Google Earth-ed the house.

There's a pool at the house next door.

And a short fence.

Actually, the party was canceled.

I'm so sorry.

You'll have to meet Bobby's family sometime never on.

Yep, party canceled.

There was a sinkhole.

Uh, still haven't found the house.

Everyone's dead.

That's horrible.

I pre-paid a sitter.

Oh, I guess we'll just hang out here then.

And since there's no pool...

Ahh! Okay! Okay, fine!

The party's not canceled. There's no sinkhole.

No one's dead. Come at 4:00.

Just please don't embarrass me.

Uh, I think that was directed at you, Max.

Awkward.

(upbeat music)

(doorbell rings)

Hey.

Hi.

We're here early, 'cause moms love promptness, and our Uber driver was on the front end of a police chase.

You're gonna nail it. My mom's favorite show's "Cops."

Oh, I'm a series regular.

Oh, nice staircase.

You get along with the folks that live up there?

Uh, sometimes.

Depends how my sisters are feeling, 'cause that is still part of the house.

(gasps)

Wow!

You didn't tell us you lived in a castle.

(exclaims) Look at the TV and chairs!

You guys must've gotten this stuff right after they laid it out on the curb.

Bobby, I found the program from your sixth grade play.

You were so good.

Like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Only not bloated.

[sighs]

Ma, I played a tree, and I still got booed.

Sorry, she likes to brag about me.

This is my mom.

Hi, Bobby's mom. I'm Max.

May I say you have a beautiful house?

And that's high praise, 'cause I've been in five.

And I'm Caroline.

Oh, that scent you're wearing is my all-time favorite.

I sat on a deviled egg.

I hope you like macaron.

You don't think I have enough food?

(chuckles) I know this sounds insane, but I don't know if she love-love-loved me.

Don't worry... she takes a little time to warm up, but when she does, you'll only notice a little difference.

Uh, Bobby... question.

How did you get Queen Elizabeth to sell you her throne?

Bobby, you only invited girls?

You knew I wanted a sausage-fest.

I did bring macaron.

You must be Bobby's sister, Denise.

I'm Caroline.

I'm Max, and I should have worn a diaper here.

Seriously, Bobby, if you never invite any guys over, how am I gonna find one?

Ma cancelled my Match.com account.

Teresa: I'm not paying $9.99 a month for you to be a slut!

Ma! Stay out of my business!

You treat me like I'm still in my 30s!

Well, if there aren't gonna be any guys here, I'm gonna go smoke a J and do my jigsaw.

Definitely popping by Denise's room later.

Bobby, I can't explain it, but somehow, when you stock the Tab in the garage fridge, it just tastes better.

Garage fridge?

How rich are you people?

You know who loved an ice-cold Tab?

Jessica.

Ma! Really?

I specifically asked you not to bring up Jessica.

Oops.

Who's Jessica?

She's my ex.

We stopped dating over a year ago.

Dating?

You were engaged to be engaged!

I'm sitting, but I'm lying down.

She was the only girl I ever thought was good enough for my Bobby.

No offense, hon, but look at her.

With that face, she could've been a dental hygienist.

She's on your wall?

Only to cover a hole that Denise punched in it... when I broke up with Jessica.

Chrissy: Did someone say Jessica?

Who is that?

And please don't say Jessica.

That... that's my other sister, Chrissy.

She doesn't come out of her room these days.

She's still in mourning.

Oh, over your dad?

Over Jessica.

She hasn't come out of her room since they broke up.

And she was this close to assistant manager at TCBY.

I'm over Jessica. My family less so.


Oh, my God!

This chair has another chair just for your feet!

Bobby, why didn't you tell me about Jessica?

I told you about my father being in prison.

No, you didn't.

My father's in prison.

Jessica's not important to me.

I think about her so little, she might as well be AOL.

I'm on AOL.

Oh, my God, we know nothing about each other.

Bobby, did you stock the kitchen fridge, too?

'Cause I'm getting that crisp, clean, bottle taste from a can here.

I took my shoes off. Hope that's okay.

Bobby, stop standing there staring at Jessica.

Give someone else a turn.

I'm doing a load.

Go up to your room and get your dirties.

I... I have to give 'em to her.

Otherwise she's gonna go through my stuff, and I have a check from my grandpa I don't want her to know about.

Chrissy! I'm doing a wash!

Chrissy: And fold everything in threes this time, Ma!

The way Jessica used to!

I'll try, but I'm not perfect.

That was Jessica's thing.

Chrissy: Got that right, Ma!

The woman was without flaws!

[grunts]

You might want to wash that alone.

Believe it or not, it's a white.

Max, what are you doing?

Relax, I have the other one on.

No one's gonna get hurt.

I just need to stay calm and figure out a way to win Bobby's mother over.

I have to! I have to!

You trying to get some of that sweet, sweet grandpa-check money?

(doorbell rings)

Chrissy: Somebody get the frickin' door!

Uh, I'll get the frickin' door.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have to win these people over.

I freaking got it, Chrissy.

Oh, great. This should help.

(snoring)

Earl's got five more minutes in that chair.

I'll bounce an old man.

Whose turn is it to see if he's breathing?

(snoring) HAN: Oh, no, he's okay.

He's just having a running dream.

You'll get that squirrel, buddy.

Well, clock's ticking.

Look, elephant in the room, but I got to see what porno looks like on that screen.

Oh, yeah, look.

I brought "Manchester by the Double D's."

You see why we had to learn Navajo?

It's all fine. My mother loves having company.

Oh, not kidding; they're really going to watch it It doesn't fit.

Heh, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.

Yeah, he's got that right.

Bobby, I told you.

You can't leave the front door open.

We live too close to the YMCA.

No, Ma, these are Caroline's friends.

They speak Navajo.

Okay, well, I hope they like Italian, 'cause that's what I spent all night making.

You know, I... I think she's warming up.

You see I'm dealing with a perfect ex-girlfriend situation.

I need you to be on my side.

Fine.

I don't think Jessica made people take sides, just FYI.

Yeah, I think it's time for me to switch my focus from the mom to Denise.

I forgot, I'm actually better with sisters.

I have to be! I have to be!

Well, you better be.

'Cause I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my old boyfriend, Missionary Steve: it's time to turn this thing around.

Denise, there you are!

Oh, look at you. I love a midday costume change.

And you said I couldn't wear my eating robe to the party.

Well, since there aren't gonna be any guys here, I figured I'd just get ready for bed.

Ooh, who's the hottie over there?

The one running in his sleep or the one fanning his underarms with a plate?

The muscular one.

Muscular? You're gonna have to point.

Is there a different "over there"?

Come on, guys, in the dining room.

You have to taste the sauce I made.

I used Jessica's recipe.

Chrissy: It's a frickin' delight!

Watch your mouth, young lady!

But she's right.

Hello.

(upbeat music)

Before we start eating, Max, would you like to say grace?

(mouth full) Thanks, God?

I'll do it.

We thank God and his mother, 'cause we know his mother does everything.

And he would never date a woman without getting her approval.

Okay, Ma, I don't think Jesus was a big dater.

He wasn't when I knew him.

(whispering) Han, I need you to flirt with Denise.

She likes you.

I got that.

Her hand is on my knee.

Oop, not my knee anymore.

Excuse my reach.

You like them? I got 'em for Christmas.

We all chipped in.

Jessica worked very closely with the doctor to design the shape texture of the nipples.

I got her a calendar.

I don't know who Jessica is, but I need the sauce recipe.

And my lovely wife and I wouldn't mind seeing those nipples at some point.

Well, there's no way they're as good as this sauce.

Mmm, mm-mm.

Anyway, Caroline owns a dessert bar.

What the hell is that?

Max, what do you think of the sauce?

Max, you can be honest if you don't love it.

What? More.

Mmm, mmm.

Okay, we get it.

You like Jessica's sauce.

Mmm, you know, I'm so full, but I can't stop.

You don't have to eat it.

Are you crazy?

This is a once in a lifetime sauce.

I'm gonna push my Spanx to the limit.

Could someone switch seats with me?

What's going on over there, Denise?

You keeping your hands to yourself?

Uh, I'll sit next to her.

I'd like to move down and sit next to Caroline.

Oh, so now you don't want to sit next to your mother?

I'm not hungry anyway.

I'm gonna go upstairs and take a shower.

(whispering) There's a big hole in our shower curtain.

Thanks, but I use a doctor-prescribed soap.

Thanks a lot, Han.

You couldn't just take a shower with her for me?

Chrissy: Ma! Where's my plate?

Could somebody take a plate up to Chrissy?

She's still too upset to come out.

You know, because of...

We know, Ma.

I'll do it.

'Cause I... I don't even like this sauce.

(all gasp)

No, I'll... I'll bring Chrissy her plate.

(chuckles)

She's my last chance.

And save me some of that sauce.

It's the best thing I've ever had.

Don't worry, I filled your purse with it.

Chrissy: Does anyone work here?

Where's my food?

Well, well, well, Jessica.

You may make a great sauce, but you can't stop me.

(shattering)

Teresa: What's going on out there?

I heard a crash!

Uh, everything's fine!

A truck hit a kid outside.

Max, can you come here for a second?

Chrissy: What's all the commotion?

I can't eat my frickin' feelings if there's no food!

Was the kid on a bike?

(gasps) Oh, my God! Look what you did to Jessica!

Why are you so jealous of her, Caroline?

You'll never be Jessica, okay? None of us will!

I didn't do it!

She just fell off the wall.

Max, she is trying to destroy me.

Chrissy: Where's my food?

I'm starting to scratch my arms again!

Okay, I'll fix the picture.

Give her my plate.

(whimpers) Hang on.

Let me just take one more big bite.

Give me a little of that.

Oh, damn you, Jessica!

Max, how did you fix Jessica's picture?

It looks perfect!

Wasn't easy.

I tried not to make eye contact with her, 'cause I was starting to get feelings.

Hey, there you are.

Are you okay? I know my family can be a lot.

No, I'm having a great time.

(gasps) You think your mom needs help putting out that macaron?

I noticed they're not out.

I also noticed one in the birdcage.

You know what?

If you're not having a good time, we can leave.

I'm a grown man. She's not the boss of me.

Teresa: Bobby!

Coming, Ma!

Caroline, relax.

Nobody likes you right away.

I just got there last year, and there's still a lot of red flags.

(upbeat music)

Thank you for letting me borrow Denise's Snuggie.

I feel like I'm back in the womb again.

But it doesn't reek of cigarettes.

Wait.

I think it does.

I like it.

I'm gonna like it even more when it's on the floor tonight.

Is that one still breathing?

(snoring)

All right, Ma, I'm going to karate.

Karate?

Well, well, well.

Tae Kwon Hello.

I happen to be a yellow belt.

Oh, yeah?

(exhales sharply)

Oh, yeah.

I got five of the macaron back from the birdcage.

I'll get your Snuggie back to you by tomorrow.

I'll give to Bobby in the morning when he leaves Caroline's.

You said you slept at Brian's.

You lying to me now?

Ma...

I was with Caroline last night.

But I didn't see him naked.

I did. Our bathroom door doesn't lock.

I see why he's your favorite, Mrs. F.

Uh, we're watching something.

Can you two talk somewhere else?

It's fine. I'll turn it up.

Where... where's the remote?

Whoa, Ma, I... I only got engaged to be engaged 'cause Dad was sick, and I wanted you to be happy.

But now I'm with Caroline, and...

Caroline makes me happy.

I do?

She does?

You do.

She does.

(glass shattering)

Max: (gasps)

Okay, it was...

Uh, it was a sign... that Jessica didn't belong there anymore.

You know what?

You make my Bobby smile.

And he's even more handsome when he smiles.

Chrissy, come down and meet Caroline!

Chrissy: She hot? Cause I don't like uggos, Ma.

She's gorgeous.

Teresa: She looks like me.

Just with a little more mustache.

Welcome to our home, girls.

Both: Oh, thank you!

Both: You have no idea how much this means to me!

Try and get out of this hold.

Who says I want to?

So same time next Sunday?

(cash register dings)